I have a lot of reasons
I say god damn it all the time, god damn it. And I also say God fucking Jesus damn it sometimes. I fwap at all sorts of porn, including hentai. I never have gone to church, and I think evil is cool. I think lesbianism is love, I look at yuri and the real thing all the time. I also draw pictures of the devil all over tables in public places. And I think Harry Potter is awesome, but for some reason, religious people think you go to hell for reading Harry Potter.

So if Christianity was true (i think christianity is a false religion) I'll go to hell, and be with all of the other people who like Harry Potter, swear, draw pictures of the devil on everything, fwap at porn, fwap at hentai, and think that evolution is where we come from. Hell can't be that bad.
(NERDYLURKER is attempting to divide by zero, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 18:30, 3 replies)

Having been close to death this weekend with the flu.
(Yes I know, I'm a drama queen).


I've decided I don't want to go to Hell.


As soon as I'm better I'm going out to find the first nun I can find and give her a big hug.




May have a slight fetish for nuns.
( girlinthehole, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 18:25, 4 replies)

I am such a twat
I am ashamed.

My best friend lived next door to me but was a little bit older than me. He sometimes teased me a little bit because of my naivety but never too much I suppose. I was nine or ten years old and he was in secondary school.

Once when we were building a tree house, he lost hold of a plank of wood and it almost hit me. I shouted at him and told him that I wasn't surprised that his original parents had put him up for adoption (he lived with his adopted parents).

I was totally surprised at this and immediately wanted to unsay it but the damage was done. He looked devastated and then went home. I hadn't realised that there had been this bile building up inside me. Maybe I was jealous of him as well for being older and cooler.

I never really saw him again much after that as he went to a different school and the only time I would see him would be outside school. I bit the bullet and went to call for him a couple of times but his mother always answered the door and told me he was busy doing his homework.

I have often thought what I would say to him.

I would probably just say

"Sorry, Phil. I was and still am an idiot. You were a good friend and I never meant to say what I did."
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 17:36, 1 reply)

I am most definitely going to hell.
Only a small one, I think I have others but I can't remember them very well.

When I heard Princess Di had passed away I laughed and laughed a little more which could on its own be enough but wait theres more! About 2 days later ,while bored, me and my brother made our own little game where when playing any Burnout game make sure you choose a level with a tunnel and a car similar to Di's, then try your best to recreate the crash. You also get points for how many cars and walls you hit as well as total damage to the cars.

Try it yourself if you want, I tell you its fun!
(The Console King is losing the plot....., Sat 13 Dec 2008, 15:58, 12 replies)

...and the bottom part of his leg fell off!
when i was in middle school, i was shy (not changed much) and i kept to meself. this one incident bought unwanted attention to me.

there was a lad called Phil, a couple off years younger than me. didn't know him personaly, but knew he had part of his leg from the knee downwards missing.

one day i was meekly hanging around a set of stairs only 6 or 7 steps high when phil ran up them. all of a sudden he tripped and HIS LEG FELL OFF!

i laughed. could'nt stifle a massive belly laugh. probably the first time i made a noise at the school in 2 years. tears streamed down my face.

then some kids that bullied me saw what happened and started beating me up but the thing was i couldn't stop laughing really loudly!

for months after that kids at the school would look at me with disgust and tut as they walked past me which brought up the memories of this incident in my head and would have me biting my hand to stop meself from laughing!

sory Phil.
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 15:19, Reply)

Charity Shops, 'the good christian, and tea pissing..
When I was eighteen, young, naive and fucking stupid, me, along with three other friends ended up in a bit of a street brawl with some local pikey’s. The police came, read us the riot act, and slammed us into the back of the old pig wagon. The whole thing was caught on CCTV and the long and short of it is, we ended up going to magistrates 3 times, before being adjourned to crown court.

Anyway, we ended up getting a hefty fine and 150 hours community service. I was quite pleased with that as the whole process lead me to believe we would all be doing porridge, systematically getting arse raped by ‘the daddy’

The probation officer could see that me and my one friend in particular friend had decent jobs and we were really sorry for what we had done so she put us on a nice placement. By nice, I mean 25 shifts in a charity shop ironing various bits of unwanted clothing ready to sell in the shop. In fairness, we had a right laugh in there. Me and my friend would get there at 8am on a Saturday, try on all the hats and dresses and play all the wank vinyls that came through. After the shift we would go to the boozer down the road that sold woodpecker for £1 a pint. We’d just get twisted in there and go home to bed and wake up sleeping with a KFC.

Generally it was brill. But, the ‘Good Christian woman’, who worked there for free made our lives hell. She was the single most, horrible, nasty, corruptive bitch I have ever met, and I’ve met some pretty fucking horrible people. She would look down at us as if we were shit on her shoe. Essentially we were criminals, but we were polite, and helpful to her. She was fucking horrible, and I wouldn’t mind but her son, who had about two teeth in his ugly fucking head was a complete waste of a wank. No job, lounging around on the ‘criminal’ tax money. He was like an advert for Farmfoods. He was a cunt.

Over the course of the six months, the pair of these ‘good christians’ repulsed me to the point of nearly punching the fuck out of her son. On the last day, her parting comment was ‘make me a cup of tea before you go threatening society again.’ I made her a fucking tea alright. I pissed right through that tea I made. My mate was so pissed off by this comment he did a shit in a towel and the smeared a discreet amount all over the sons car handles.

I must admit, i felt a bit bad for doing this to a ‘good christian’ until about a week later when the lovely probation officer called me to wish me well in life. She said, did the woman in the charity shop let you off with the ten hours like I told her, as you were behaved. I was fucking sieving, i nearly went back just to make her another cup, the silly old cunt.

In fact, I reckon that bitch will be in hell before me. I don’t mind the sound of hell though, the women are much dirtier and the weathers much warmer.
(Sir_Digby_Chicken_Caeser [email protected], Sat 13 Dec 2008, 13:49, 2 replies)

Mormons
I, being on the left side of the Atlantic, used to get regular visits from those nice boys with the ties and the pamphlets about Jesus. Now, for some reason, when someone delivers a spiel, I can't help but listen to the whole thing before telling them thanks but no thanks.

So I got into a conversation with them.

It started with "yes, I actually own a copy of the Book of Mormon" (which surprised them), and gradually I led them off topic until we were chatting about mundane things. They eventually said they had to leave, invited me to attend their next service, and went on their way.

About a month later, I get another visit from the same young men, again we chat for a while, and again they leave without actually delivering the message they had intended. After that, I never saw them (or any other Mormons) again. I think they got in trouble for allowing themselves to be led off-topic by a heathen (I mentioned having Pagan beliefs, they got a bit excited at that. Apparently converting an honest-to-God Pagan is, like, the jackpot for them) twice, and I got blacklisted from their rounds. Let alone the fact that I was flirting more than a little with one of them.

What? He was cute! Actually, I might pop into the temple someday to see if he's around, further cementing my position in the lake of fire by trying to hook up with someone at their church.
(Morgan is a damn dirty hippie, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 12:37, 2 replies)

At uni
we had a lecturer who was blind.

We read newspapers in his seminars.
(Axeman Jim, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 12:23, 2 replies)

If Catholicism is the one true religion, I'm fucked
Two years ago, I went for a trip around Europe, on a 18-35 holiday for people who hate dance music & sitting on the beach.

About half way through the trip, we were in Rome, home of the Colosseum, roman ruins and it's own Microstate, the Vatican City, the birthplace of Catholicism.

Now, if you've ever tried to get into the Vatican City, you'll know what an arse it is. There's a huge queue, with people who believe in this religion bollocks looking on death's door praying and begging outside it. Furthermore, I was called American by a guy with a gun, as some lying relgious cunt thought I pushed in.

Furthermore, one of the most gorgeous girls I had ever laid my eyes on, who was on the trip with us (friend of a friend), rejected my amorous advances the night before, so I was in a little of a bad mood, plus it was raining.

Eventually we got in, but I was miserable. It didn't help how pompous I thought the place was. I couldn't get out of my mind how many people had died to build this place, and the worst thing was that every 10 meters or so there was places you can buy souvenirs. I wasn't enjoying myself upto then.

We ended up in the Sistine Chapel, arguably one of the most holiest places in the world. It's also got a roof painted by Michaelangelo, which you probably have seen billions of time (Google "Flying Spaghetti Monster" for a picture). I thought "Well, there's picture of it sold outside as overpriced souvenirs, so I'm sure I can take a picture."

How wrong I was.

After taking a photo, I find my hand immediately behind my back, and some guy screaming Italian in here. I thought I was being mugged, so I automatically elbowed him in the face.

Turns out it was a Swiss Guard, the people appointed by the Pope to keep the city holy, and I had broken their law.

Immediately I was placed in a headlock by another one, and this guy spoke English. I can't remember exactly what he says, but he told me I'm going to hell, I've desicrated this holy place, etc.

I was marched to the most unholy emergency exit, and thrown out of the Vatican. Technically, I've been deported.

Plus three weeks after returning, I did deflower a catholic girl who was due to get married in 4 weeks later.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 12:22, 3 replies)

I'm going to hell for microwaving a cat for 10 minutes
in fairness, it was already dead and had been in a chest freezer for two days. It needed to be warmed up a bit as the owner wanted to take it home to bury it in the garden and their son wanted to cuddle it one last time. *shudders a bit*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 10:35, 10 replies)

My dad
laughed like fuck when Princess Di got mangled.

I was only 9 at the time, but I did too.

Does this make me evil? I still don't feel any remorse.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 8:29, 3 replies)

I was riding along
and I noticed a snail slowly travelling across the bikepath. So I rode back, picked it up, and put it down at its destination off the path, so it didn't get run over.

Unfortunately animals are soulless automata, and in treating it as if it wasn't I'm no doubt going to hell.

(unless the snail religion is the true one I guess).
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 5:20, 1 reply)

Just thought of a good one
My friend Karl was recently diagnosed with Pancreatitis and was told by the doctors that unless he wanted complications (i.e. possible death), he had to stop drinking. Full stop.

1. Karl is 18.
2. Karl works in a pub.
3. Karl likes a drink even more than me (which makes him borderline alcoholic).

I had forgotten by the next day, and sent him this, by email:
http://www2.b3ta.com/drink/

Along with this:
http://www2.b3ta.com/beer/

And this:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=JsI4327l87w





I am so doomed.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 5:02, 7 replies)

worst 'your mum' joke ever.
My friend Craig said something about having sex with someone else's Mum.

"My Mum's dead" he replied, stiffly (not in that way).

So I did a little 'bit' about Craig moving the skull so it looked like it was talking, and saying "Aw Craig, you *nasty*" in a high-pitched 'black lady' voice [the guy wasn't black, I think I was thinking of the scene in Fritz the Cat where he has sex with a big black crow/woman]

Craig thought it was hilarious, but I realised that how offensive it was only after I'd said it.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 5:02, Reply)

Also
Me and my mates were bored/drunk one night and decided to play a game of Name That Mong. Like Name That Song, except you went through the alphabet and said a name beginning with that letter with a mong voice. When it got to L, my mate said 'Liam'. In our drunken state we were pissing ourselves and since then, Liam has become our name for mongs. The joy we felt when we saw that someone had written 'Liam' on a disabled seat sign on the train was equal to winning the lottery, probably.
(Visionaryofthe1980s www.myspace.com/visionariesofthe1980s, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 4:22, Reply)

If my little boy had been born just a couple days earlier...
I was going to go to a Hallowe'en Party dressed up as St. Elizabeth (mother of John the Baptist) toting my 2 day old infant son with a red dotted line around his throat.

My husband managed to explain how poorly it would be received by our Catholic host.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 4:22, 2 replies)

This could get me there
A few years back when I worked in a popular video rental store, me and the other lads there got to know a few of the regulars pretty well. We once made a list of every regular customer's nicknames that we'd given them too. There were some gooduns on there. Here's a few examples of why the lot of us in that shop are on our way to hell.

Mr Lafferty (Laffo): An elderly deaf man who rented shitty action films and soft core pornos. He was 100% deaf. We'd sneak up behind him and fart, then run away leaving him to wonder what that god awful smell was. We'd be across the other side of the shop by then. We'd also cover our mouths and see how much we could give him shit before laughing. And most of the time we'd film it on our phones. We'd also announce on the tanoy when he was in that there was some awesome new blueys in if he wanted them.

Blong: A child who was black and a mong.

Mr 'I Like Kids' - whenever he'd come into the shop he'd greet us with 'alright kid'. He mumbled and so we turned this into 'I like kids'. We once made a banner out old school printer paper with the words 'He Likes Kids' and an arrow pointing to him. My mate stood next to him with it for about 5 minutes and how he didn't notice is beyond me.

There was a fella who would come in who was wheelchair bound. He brought some films back late and was rightly fined. Que his brother coming down kicking off that his disabled brother had been fined. We explained that films brought back after we closed incurred a fine. He then went on to say that our sign with the opening times on the door was too high for somebody in a wheelchair to see. So I went outside and sat on the floor to show him how a person's neck can bend in a way that allows them to look upwards. In front of his brother in the wheelchair. And the boss. And all the other customers.

There's more nicknames (we had an A4 sheet full of them), but it was years ago so I can't remember them all.
(Visionaryofthe1980s www.myspace.com/visionariesofthe1980s, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 4:18, 7 replies)

Musical Evil
My Family is very musical, as I am the eldest brother I got the guitar bug first, and had a beautiful Les Paul Custom for having 'talent'. My little brother started to play, and being 14 and clueless played my lovely instrument, and dented it all up the neck.

Still, revenge is a dish best served cold...

A few years later, brother is in a 'hair metal' band, all shiny shirts and pointy guitars. Dessie had a 'Nuno Bettencourt' Washburn (nice axe) I had a Ibanez 540 Radius (nicer axe), which I had retrofitted with "reflex reds", the most powerful pickups on the planet.

Dessie "can I lend your Guitar?", "yeah, sure" says I, with malice. My scheme was born "anything I should know?" "Yeah, those pickups are a bit toppy, so wind up the mids" "Thanks"

Their first song was "purple Rain', that turgid lump of shite that Prince warbled. It required a very very 'clean' sound, 'glassy' in fact.

But my pickups gave 2-3 times the output of the Washburn.

I could barely stifle my glee as Dessie stood, legs akimbo, chin pointed skywards, blond hair flowing down his back in the most guitar heroic pose ever, a rock God, if you will, he rised his arm and......

KERRANGG!!!!

His eyes opened in shock, confusion and horror, as he wheeled around to adjust the amp he tripped on the lead my axe, propelling him into the bass player and falling into the stack behind him.

In my defense, I later laughed in his face about this, and to his everlasting credit he laughed back. In my family, that means honors even.
(micmac is happy as a pig in shite, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 3:19, 3 replies)

Not me but my aunt & uncle...
My mom grew up in south Florida, in the sixties with a very dark complexion. My aunt and uncle used to tell her she was an illegal Cuban baby left on the doorstep by dirty communists. They had her convinced that communism was a genetic trait, and because she was born of dirty communists, it was only a matter of time before the federal authorities showed up and hauled her away.
It wasn't really bad until my uncle decided to to take the joke further and call the police station to tell them that they had an illegal Cuban living in their house.

Cue police swarming my grandparents home, demanding papers for my 7 year old sobbing mother and a very long talking to for my Uncle Dale.
To this day you still can't joke with my mother about communism, she didn't talk to me for three weeks after I declared Russian history as my major.
(blackkatt82 likes cheese!, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 1:58, 1 reply)

I haven't seen...
...The Dark Knight yet.

Just telling this fact to almost any member of the general public seems to cause them some physical discomfort. It seems to genuinely upset some people and I feel this great sin may cast me into the depths of hell. I must have missed the last memo from the great Space Pope himself that said everyone had to see this piece of cinematic genius.*

And how ever good the film is, I get the feeling that it won't cause me as much pleasure as I get from shrugging my shoulders and saying I haven't got round to watching it yet.

*So I hear.
(rich.cicatriz should be doing something more constructive on, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 1:46, 9 replies)

i'm going to hell
I told some guy he was going to die. He didn't hear me coz there wasn't a speaker on my telescopic sights. Poor fucker.
(pottyonetoo, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 1:05, 2 replies)

I used to work in Sydenham Library
'Twas a Saturday job. Good money but dull. As a teenager, it was the place where I discovered just how viciously competitive old ladies could be.
Any time a new Catherine Cookson / Barbara Cartland etc (this was many moons ago) book was due out there'd be the same clutch of angry old biddies insisting they were the first on the reserve list.
If there was a delay in publication it was my fault. If the old cow was in hospital and missed her reserve date then it was my fault if some other biddy got the book.
So, fuck it, it was the right thing to do to swap the covers so instead of some romantic shit as promised on the outside, they started reading a Sven Hassel or James Herbert, the bitches.

I also used to draw tiny cocks in the pages of large print books.
( FishNChimps Achtung! Spitfeuer!, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 0:51, Reply)

Original sin
I poke badgers with spoons...


/coat
taxi!
(Bo Nidle Coming back in from the cold., Sat 13 Dec 2008, 0:20, 2 replies)

I think I might go to Hell for prefering Reservior Dogs to Pulp Fiction.
Seeing as how everyone on Earth sees it as some sort of mortal sin.
(chrisdood Why yes, I am the shizzle, Sat 13 Dec 2008, 0:00, 9 replies)

I'm certainly going to Hell for this one...
I've just practically begged one of the most powerful people in the country for a job.

In retail.

I feel so dirty.
(guyie failed to be witty on, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 22:28, Reply)

What the heck is "Hell?"
So, I failed miserably as a Christian. I mean I tried, but it just didn't stroke me as even being real. I even tried to make the hell thing work, and nothing wrote itself out for me.

So in the tradition of the Lakota, I found truth in the mythology there. Now I ask questions like, "Are you going to Heaven?" Cause, you see, if you HAVE to go to heaven, you HAVE to go to hell too.

I can pick this argument apart without thinking now, point out that this concept is actually an expression of Sadomasochism (Jesus is a Masochist!), the basic concept of "getting all the answers" when you get there seems like a fools game when you consider the magical law of infinite data (There's always something new!), and the afterlife is just a factor of the physics of the universe (Hello Neopagans!).

All I can say is if you are going to Heaven/Hell, it's not like the Dentist was just finding out how to fix your teeth while he was working on your mouth! I just don't see selling my soul to anyone.

Here's hoping you change yourselves for the better, and remember what we call mistakes are later "chalked up to experience."
( CapnChkn I would rather be flying elephants., Fri 12 Dec 2008, 22:26, 4 replies)

Halloween 2004
I dressed up as Jesus. I thought it was a very clever costume, as I'd heard of no one doing so before. I was bored of the usual sexy witches and fairy tale charecters and wanted to do something out of the ordinary. I spent months constructing a giant cardboard cross and a crown of thorns and applied some fake blood (subtly, not too liberally). I was in high school then, so I spent my day not learning but pulling this huge cross up and down the halls behind me, wearing a flowing white robe, with a pained yet stoic expression slapped across my face. I thought it was harmless and ingenious and didn't expect the storm of righteousness that would fall upon me from the school's Christian Club.

I found myself, before lunch even started, being chased by an alarming group of kids who days before had been spouting concepts of Christian Love, but were now carrying large rocks and a megaphone. The leader of the group bellowed into the megaphone shouting, "Help us catch this sinner!" I ran, but was soon cornered by the group in the school's courtyard. The teachers on duty turned a blind eye as the Christian Club surrounded me, pelting me with rocks. And what did I do? Did I cry? Did I apologize? Or did I pick up on the incredible Biblical irony and proclaim with raised arms, even as rocks hit me square in the face, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”?

Dear reader, I don’t think I have to tell you the answer.
(BrainSurgerysFun, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 22:23, 5 replies)

Field Trip to Mallorca
A long time ago, we were doing fieldwork in Mallorca and sharing a hotel with a bunch of German holidaymakers. The morning after a particularly raucous evening, a group of Germans went up to my Prof. and said 'Your students kept us awake all night'. He replied in a very posh accent 'So what??? You kept us awake for four years during the blitz....'. Definitely worth the trip to Hull.....
(Lord Blumpy is mildly off-topic on, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 22:03, 1 reply)

I've found a good reason to keep the Somalian pirates in business.
We need them to fight global warming.



( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 12 Dec 2008, 21:45, 3 replies)