well, they did cancel the simpsons for it...
Guilty of vile fornication during the last popes funeral(it was on tv in the background at the end of the bed - muted naturally, im not sick or anything). twice.
(Fake Spaniard, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 19:07, Reply)

Hellbound, moi?
I used to covet my neighbours ass.


He had a really cute ass.
( girlinthehole, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 19:06, 3 replies)

I wrote
"Hugs and Kisses! Love Jesus x" on the inside cover of a Bible and left it at a church camp.

Been done, I know. But I'm still scared they'll know.
(sparkly_penguin, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 19:06, Reply)

I was clearing out some of my old stuff from school
When I found my copy of Gideon's bible. Now I'm not ever going to have a use for it but rather than just throw it out I took off the plastic cover again gave it as a toy to my rabbit.

She loved it was a digging and chewing at the pages for ages. I love my satan bunny.
(fluffytail, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 19:04, Reply)

i am seriously going to hell...
My 5 year old neice was being a little cow this evening, she said she hates me, and wishes id go away. Im just learning to drive, and I thought I would use this to my advantage in the battle that would shortly ensue.
me: Fine, well you should know that you arent getting any Christmas Presents ever again!
Cass: yeah I am, Santa loves me, he will bring me presents!
Me: No he *wont*, I just ran him over in my driving lesson, but on the plus side we have venison for tea!
Cass: (through tears) w w w whats venison?
Me: Rudolph! Now get to your room and think about what you've done!
Cass: YOU! you KILLED SANTA, I HATE YOU, YOU MURDERED CHRISTMAS!

its been 2 hours, and she is still in her room sobbing :S


im REALLY going to hell.
(santas_lil_hohoho is packing her vibrator suitcase, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 19:00, 5 replies)

I think
Many of us are going to hell after this...

back in school, after an assembly some christian nutters came in gave bibles to all the kids in our year promoting the 'good faith of our lord, jesus christ'

...bad move..

most of the bibles ended up burnt, ripped up, grafftiti'ed on, or used as bog roll.
a lot (or maybe hundreds) of bibles (which were given to us for free) were vandalised... our field was like a 'bible graveyard'
(Lord Chode, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:53, 3 replies)

Body of Christ or Chips
I once had a strange craving for those round crackers they give out in mass (you know the ones, they symbolise the body of christ? you have them with wine?) Well anyway, as a long converted atheist there was no way I was going to church to get them, so I managed to find a supply shop on the internet. Long story short, I bought a box of 50. Ate them during my break at work. Had them with ketchup..... Jesus tasted good.
(silkysean pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:43, 2 replies)

Been there. On a motorbike.
It's on the E6 in Norway. Just past a town called Moria. No dwarves though. I wrote about it in a magazine. Length? 3500 words. Not paid by word, sadly.
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:42, Reply)

I'm looking forward to hell...
...I wouldn't know anybody in heaven.
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:40, Reply)

According to someone, somewhere
who believes differently to someone else, I will be going to hell for choosing not to believe in their God. They would probably die in the attempt to prove this to me. In fact, according to someone, somewhere you'll probably go to hell too, as will all your family.

I take solace in the notion that according to someone else who believes differently to them they'll be going to hell too. So we'll all be in hell. I reckon it will all be pretty much the same as now, but warmer.

And everyone will know they were wrong.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:36, 1 reply)

The Racist Priest - or - How I Realized There Is No God
Canadian Priest, preaching afternoon mass: "...and let it be known that all good children attend mass, and church on Sundays, for such is the will of our lord."

Me, five years old: "But Mr. Priest, not everyone goes to church!"

Him: "No, son. Our friends of the Jewish faith attend synagogue to pray, and our Muslim friends pray to Mecca on carpets wherever they find themselves."

Me: "And our friends in Africa pray for the harvest by chanting around a camp fire!"

"WHAAAAAT?! THAT IS A DISGUSTING COMPARISON! How daaaaaaaaaaaaare you?!"

"But...what's wrong with--"

"Go! Fifty Hail Marys on the chalkboard, NOW!"

---

Later that evening:

Older brother: "God doesn't actually exist."

Me: "Ohh, LOL! That makes much more sense!"
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:26, Reply)

Take that priest!
What with not believing in fairytales and all, I know that no-one, including myself, is going to hell. But I can fully appreciate the kind of behaviour that would piss off a supreme deity, much like the behaviour in the following story featuring my mate, D.

It was a wintery December evening, and to stave off the cold and boredom, D was out drinking with a few people. The night bore on, more drink was consumed, last orders were called and eventually they began the journey home.

En route home there is a church, and ordinarily it wouldn't be occupied at such an hour, but then again, it wouldn't ordinarily be midnight mass either.

It is unclear at this stage whose idea it was to enter the church, even more unclear as to who suggested a quick foot race around the church and it's occupants. Yet further unclear is who managed to knock over the font, and the most unclear of all, is who challenged the priest to a fight. Yes, that's right, one of these heathens was actually squaring up to a priest. However, when said priest actually seemed keen on giving out a little catholic justice, the group realised their error and made for a hasty retreat.

And retreat they did, followed not too closely by the "he can run fast for an old fella" priest. This being a wintery night, there was ice on the ground, and in particular a few patches between our heroes and the church gates. It seem's that although the priest was fairly light on his feet, he wasn't paying much attention to the ground, so whilst D et al managed to jump the patch and carry on running, the priest didn't. In fact, the priest hit the ice, slipped over, and hit the ground "like a sack of shit".

So to recap, a group of men enter a church, hare around it like a bunch of twats, knock over a font, challenge a priest to a fight and then leg it. Already fairly hellbound, my mate ends this particular story by, when seeing the priests predicament, shouting after him "WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW?!".
(ShiftyBastard won the World Cup on World Soccer Champs 2010!, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:21, Reply)

Jamie 1-0 University Christian Union
I'm not a fan of godbotherers, especially the evangelical ones. Saying that, the Bible does advocate wanking. Seriously. Psalms 16:11 says "In your right hand there are pleasures forever".

So when a friend moved in with her boyfriend and got booted out by the CU who accused her of a lack of judgement because her boyfriend is an immoral heathen so and so I went ballistic and demanded a hearing of the University's Student Union executive.

Each side put their argument forward to the executive. I went after the godbotherers.

Wearing my Black Sabbath long sleeved shirt I went Jamie 3:16 (to quote Jack Regan "I'll kick your arse up to your shoulderblades") on the CU arguing a) that the CU hadn't even met the guy before casting wrong judgement on him and b) this completely and lubelessly buttfucks the "equality for all" policy the SU had. In light of this the CU must be suspended from the SU until they have lifted their ban on my friend, rewritten their constitution in line with the equality for all policy and proven themselves able to work in line with the SU regulations.

The decision was a no-brainer. The CU were suspended with immediate effect. They were stunned and could not believe the decision. They left saying that they "would pray about this".

Two days later an apology was forthcoming to my friend but it took quite a while longer for the rewrite to happen.

One of the executive was heard in the bar afterwards saying "What balls wearing that top and taking on the CU!"

Well, I am the guy who used to ask the CU guitarists who sang little songs outside Rock Society meetings if they'd play "Angel Of Death" or "South Of Heaven" for us when the jukebox was broken...
(Jamie and his magic bat You can bump n' grind, it is good for your mind, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:12, 5 replies)

As an anarchically minded 14 year old
who'd just bought "never mind the bollocks" wearing baggy jeans (with the obligatory chain attached) I am ashamed to say, whilst on a visit to a cemetery with parents I slunk off to take out my impotent rage (at the world in general/at not being able to get a girlfriend)on a rather wobbly gravestone.
The said memorial smashed into about 6 chunky pieces, instantly filling me with powerful sensations of guilt and satisfaction in equal measure.
( Fitznicely into a thimble, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:07, Reply)

when i was a youngin...
i used to watch blue peter (shut up you all did!) i remember this dance troop were on once and there was a girl who had half an arm, just dancin away swingin that stump round and round! i laughed and laughed and laughed until a little wee came out.
(fernbrittonsexcessskin will give a shit later, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 18:07, 4 replies)

I don't believe in God.
I do, however, believe in dinosaurs.

Jack Chick seems to think that's enough.
(Big D, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:48, 5 replies)

Oh dear.
Right. Well, in my family there is a priest. By default this means I am a 'ahem' strongly devout (Read as 'Christmas and Easter') churchgoer. Thankfully he's not a fire and brimstone type, and is generally just a lovely chap and altogether not forceful on the whole 'COME TO CHURCH, HEATHEN!' front. Which is nice.

By default this also means that whenever he has a celebratory dinner such as a birthday, there are invariably several members of the clergy, including nuns, as well as my family and my own, rather idiotic, handsome*, self.

Anyone who knows me will undoubtedly know that on such outings I have a tendency, in so much that every time I put my foot in my mouth, it is to replace whichever one was there previously...

I can remember on one such occasion, there was a happy gathering round the table, and much vino had worked its ways into our collective gulliver (This being a Catholic priest, we were drunk as... well.... Catholic priests....).

As we were gathered, the talk turned to religion and in particular, how religion was so popular/enforced many hundreds of years ago and 'wouldn't it be rather darned good if we still had the same sort of devotion to church nowadays, lol' etc.**

At this point in the conversation I felt the great need to put in my two cents, now worth at least double that in my sozzled head.

My logical, well thought out argument for the popularity of Jebus:

'Yeah, but I suppose the real reason church was so popular back in the day is because there was bugger all else to do.....'

Cue silence.... Stoney faces.....

'What do you mean?' piped up one of the nuns.

'Well, there was bugger all else to do but fear God. They must have been bored as hell, you know.....'

More silence....

'So you think the reason they went to church was because there was literally nothing else to do.....?'

'Erm...... Yeah...'

It was roughly two minutes after that I fujlly realised I'd just basically implied that their chosen profession was made possible through the collective boredom of previous generations. By that time it was too late to do anything but giggle inside and drink more wine....


*Handsomeness changed to protect fugliness.

** for the record, this was a jokey situation, not a God bothering plot to enslave us all.
(Scrumpy does not negotiate with terrorists,, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:46, Reply)

Laughing in the face of someone else's adversity
I took a phonecall in work from a customer who had a very clear and comical stutter.
"Hi you're through to Jeccym how can I help?"
"I-I-I-I-can't get ont-t-t-t-t-to the ininininininin-browse the ininininin-webpages, gives page cannot be displayed."
*GRINS*
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that sir, can I take your details please?"
So after 18 attempts I get the correct post code and I confirm his name etc. As I start looking at the previous notes on his account he says;
"I-I-I called beforrre wi-wi-wi-wi-wiww-with this prob. I didn't mean to hu-hu-hu......hu-hu-hang up on thu-thu-the guy though, me-me-me.....me...me-me-me....me-me-me......me credit run out on me phone."
My fucking silent mute button on the phone was flipped on so quick as I practically fell off me chair laughing at that.
Single to hull please :)
There was another one; some elderly guy phoned in to do with problems with his internet. So I ask him a few basic details and start fixing his issue (by walking him through it).
I first ask him to click the "Start" button (as he's on Windows, non Mac-user-discriminating, me).
He says "ARRRGHHHHH! Right, clicked that."
Eh? "Um, ok, can you click run please?"
"OOOWWWW, yeah clicked that."
"Errr, everything ok sir?"
"Well what it is lad is that when I was in me teens I served in the British Army and got stationed in Africa."
"Oh, are you aggravating an injury?"
"No, no, no. I was meant to be out there for two years, but a few weeks in I was bitten by a wee rare snake. This li'l bastard though was a rare'un. His venom reacts with me nervous system so that when I touch anything it makes me feel pain."
"Ow. You don't mind me asking how old you are now sir?"
"56."
Forty years this guy's put up with this. Christ.
2 seconds of remorse later, ah well, lets have some fun.
"Right, very sorry to hear that but to fix this issue I'm going to need to get you to type some more things."
So it went a bit like "Do this" "arrgggh blah blah" to "Ok, I'm going to need you to rewire your modem" "ARRRGGGGHH FECKING HELL OH GOD ARRRGGH" to "Type this..." "MMNNPHPHHAARRGGGHH nope still not working" to "unplug the router and wire direct" and "OHFUCKINGOWOWOWARRRGHH" etc etc.
I dragged the call out to about 20 minutes of this. By which time I'd managed to get half of my team to listen in and wet themselves laughing at this poor sod.
Oh well, better than killing patients I suppose.
Oh and soz for length, [INSERT WITTY REMARK HERE]
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:42, 5 replies)

Getting three fingers inside the girlfriend
in a side corridor off the main stairs on the way to the roof of The Vatican.

I'd say fingering your unmarried partner within the walls of the Pope's house is blasphemous enough.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:41, 6 replies)

I'm going to the hot house because...
When i was fifteen i did my work experience at a local junior school and soon discovered why i am not suited to teaching.
Without being longwinded about it i lost my rag with the schools problem child and told him i was going to "Beat the shit out of him" if he didn't behave.
It gets worse.When the child threatened to inform his teacher of my foul language and intent to do him harm i leant over and said as slyly as i could "You can tell your teacher if you like,but i'll deny it and who is he going to believe,me or you?".
I know this isn't strictly blasphemous per se,but i'm pretty sure it's earned me my ticket.
(yob soddoth happiness is a Dane called Hamlet?, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:37, 1 reply)

I've been to Hell
It's where they built Trondheim Airport, in Norway. Not much there, although it does regularly freeze over.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:28, Reply)

Is it wrong
To instead follow Christ, I follow The Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster and how it has scientifically proven Global Warming (by linking it to the global number of pirates!) ??
(One_Winged_Angel Ich Dien, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:24, 3 replies)

Grandad's Funeral
Ignoring 95% of backstory, my grandad was an utter legend and if I was old enough to do so at the time when he kicked the oxygen habit, he would have been my number 1 drinking buddy.

Come the day of the funeral, his war veteran senile mates all arrive at the crematorium to bid him farewell. Ceremony starts, dreary organ music chimes in and sets the somber tone as the man of the cloth takes to the stand(this is why I'm going into the flames to the Magic Roundabout theme; far more fun.) Being 9 years old at the time, I'm crying worse then than I did at the end of Terminator 2, as are the rest of my family, although I think that was because of the funeral though and not the whole Arnie thumbs up in molten steel thing. Senile gits are whispering among one another, which only angered me and made us all cry harder.

Quoteth the father:

'The late Mr FoxyBadger McAwesomeness Sr., who bravely fought for his country in two world -'

'HOLD ON!' pipes senile old timer #1 'The cheeky bastard is late? What selfish turd turns up late to their own funeral'

'It's just like that Mr FoxyBadger!' screams senile old timer #2, in agreement with the rest of the coffin dodgers 'I don't know why we bothered turning up to this fucking place if he won't grace us with his presence! Sod this, we're leaving this guy to burn'

All at once, senile gits stand up and form an orderly line to the door. My jaw was still enduring the strong gravitational pull of the carpet when every over 65 in the room does a U-turn and travels over to the casket to give their farewells before returning to their seats like nothing had happened. Not a word was said.

It was a pact among their war survivor group that the first one to shuffle off the mortal coil gets their sending off ruined for dramatic effect. My grandad was a hero, but is probably still burning now.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:22, 4 replies)

I deserve to go to hell.
When I was a kid I used to regularly play a game with my Down’s Syndrome cousin who lived a few blocks away.

The game was ‘Swapping Money’. This entailed me convincing him that copper coins were worth a lot, and the silver and gold ones were relatively worthless. I told him it was a secret and he couldn’t tell anyone.

So I used to top up my meagre but ample pocket money with pound coins and fifty pences whilst he revelled in having loads of low denomination coins. After a few months of this however the parents got involved and I was in a lot of trouble and my pocket money was paid directly to him by my parents. At the time I resented my cousin for having told his parents and breaking the secret but I realise now that he was such a poor trusting soul that his parents must have just asked him about where his money was going.

I felt really bad about it then and still do now especially as my cousin passed away a few years later. I give a portion of my salary to Down’s Heart Group but it’s still not enough. I don’t think I will ever feel good about what I did and I probably deserve to go to hell.

*penitent*
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:11, 3 replies)

i once had
i once had bumfun in a vicarage, but not with the vicar.

had a sore bum for days :-)
(imallamallama looking forward to llamageddon on, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:10, 2 replies)

The epic tale of a Czech boy.
Growing up I lived in a tough neighbour hood. Like really fucking tough. I didn’t know anyone who didn’t carry a knife. Or anyone that wasn’t in a gang. People think gangs are a lifestyle choice - they are not. You just get swept up and carried along. Sometimes fantasy and real life blurred at the edges. But this was the cold reality of my existence and there was no escape from it. I looked up at the same sky as everyone else but we were shit poor. I didn't ask anything of anyone. I learned quickly to accept the ebb and flow of things. Some of the times we had were great others were the lowest points of my young life. I learned to just go with it, whatever happened – to be honest I didn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything.

Until that is, the day I had to break it to my mother I had committed murder. She couldn’t accept it, simply refused to believe it. The worst part was when she demanded to know how I had killed the poor bloke. Having to tell my own mother I had shot another young man at point blank range is still to this day indescribable. He died instantly of massive head wounds. Pulling the trigger was simple, but I hadn’t any idea of the consequences. She was distraught. She told me I had thrown my entire life away. I have never seen anyone cry with such gut-wrenching pain. I didn’t want this for her. I didn't mean to make this happen. I did to do the only thing I could. I ran. The following day i was gone but my mother had to try and pretend she knew nothing of this terrible thing and continue life as normal.

But all too soon the game was up. By the time i was caught i was in a terrible state, I was petrified and every part of my body ached. I waved goodbye to my life, my mother, I didn't want it all to be over but frankly by this time I wished I’d never even been fucking born.

In court I looked at the judge, a little thin wisp of a man. He was a joke, a fucking buffoon. We danced around the whole stupid legal process. Being in remand was terrifying. The first night in prison there was a huge storm, thunder scares me but the banging of doors and the clatter of hundreds of other men terrified me. All at once my place in the gang – the security of it meant nothing. I was just another dirt poor fucker trapped in a hole. My family was skint, there would be no fancy lawyers to come save me from the inevitability of the situation. But my attitude was still – who gives a fuck?

Clearly there was no way out of this one, but then, on a technicality I got off. Reluctantly they let me go, well got off for now that is - if there is a Hell then there is surely a place set aside for me.

You can think what you like of me. Some people call me scum others just turned their backs on me. But when it comes down to it I have realised in this life that if you look closely enough, nothing really matters, anyone can see. Nothing really matters to me.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:09, 26 replies)

A native hunter...
...once asked a missionary, "If I did not know about God and sin, would I still be sent to hell for not accepting Christ as my saviour?"

The missionary replied, "No - not if you didn't know. That would be unreasonable".

The hunter considered this and asked, "Then why did you tell me?"

And that's why all proselytisers need to go to hell - because they have done more to swell Satan's ranks than anyone else.

Oh - and of course I'm going to hell because I am a lapsed Pastafarian.
(Guizmeaux, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:08, 4 replies)

Every time I shop something for b3ta, it has to be hell-worthy
I very rarely fire up photoshop these days, and I'm not around b3ta enough for any of you to give a shit about me. But every time I post an image here, it has to be sick. I don't know why, I'm a very mild-mannered nice guy really.

I was there on that fateful day that the Quo meme began (was it 2001? 2002?). Everyone was in a rush to shop the Quo standing in inappropriate places. I put the Quo in front of Dunblane school.

I've only ever won one image challenge. It was "Inappropriate greeting cards". My card was a baby's birthday card saying: "Your baby would be 1 today! If it hadn't been a stillbirth."

For the past few years I've been obsessed with Ian Huntley. No idea why. If I can find a way to put Ian Huntley in the image challenge, I'll do it. My first thought when I see a new image challenge is: "How can I put Ian Huntley in this?" It's a sickness. As evidenced here:
www.b3ta.com/board/7127940
and
www.b3ta.com/board/8438390
for starters.


What has B3ta done to me?
( SqueakyG, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:01, 1 reply)

I know for a FACT that I am going to burn in hell!
I know this because someone told me so!

One evening in my Uni's bar, I casually popped to the pisser, while washing my hands a black guy of similar age (and perhaps a little intoxicated, but possibly not at all) informs me that "Yeah, you're going to burn in hell".

At this point it's worth pointing out that I was wearing
this t-shirt.

I cheerfully replied "But Jesus loved Dinosaurs!" He chuckled, nodded his head and said

"Maybe, but if you mock the lord, then you will burn in hell."

Me: "How is this mocking anyone?

Him: I'll pray for you *leaves*


So there you have it, I should abandon all hope of becoming fellow with God, and look forward to an eternity in hell.

Oh well, they have better music and I'll know people there :)

Will there be a B3ta-Bash in Hell on Judgement day then?
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Thu 11 Dec 2008, 17:00, 3 replies)