Millenium Falcon
It was my birthday,11 or 12 and I got the Millenium Falcon for my Star Wars figures,Yays! I eagerly un-packed it and started to put the stickers on,you know lights,computery stuff,and even the board for the chess game thingy.However I stuck the stickers anywhere I thought the may look good, only to find the instructions of where to put them so it looks more authentic,not just a piece of plastic with random stickers on it!
( Mstandot I suppose I should post more often., Sun 7 May 2006, 19:49, Reply)

Employee of the year
Not my story, but my uncle's. He worked in a factory where the job was very easy - connect the red wire on object 1 to the red wire on object 2. Connect the white wire on object 1 to the white wire on object 2. Connect the...you get it.

Except one of the men working alongside my uncle got kind of bored with this whole do-what-makes-perfect-sense thing. He decided, I'm gonna connect the red wire to the white wire, the green wire to the yellow wire.

By the time anyone realized what he was doing, several shipments had already been packed and sent off. The man was promptly sacked, but everyone had a good laugh at his stupidity.

When asked why he did it: "I wanted to see what happened."

He didn't apologize for length and neither will I.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Sun 7 May 2006, 19:38, Reply)

o how i should have listened
at a house party last september. got rather close to this allreyt looking bird with massive bangers. only it turned out that she was a disgusting fat beast with massive bangers and that in my rather crate of strongbow induced drunkness i thourght she looked rather nice. i did not heed my friends warnings and walk away instead i got my tongue down her throat and got my hands all over her rather large chesticles. it was only when i drove to her house to meet her for some premarital fun a week or so later that i realised that my friends had a point and that i should have listenend still boned it just didnt tell the slags that i like to call my buddies.
(fwack bang on it, Sun 7 May 2006, 18:35, Reply)

DRINK RESPONSIBLY
Pfft!
( Jimvin dropped plates on your arse at, Sun 7 May 2006, 18:13, Reply)

When people don't read the instructions...
...you can wind them up no end.

1. My brother once used my Mum's, "Ebony," hairspray. Picking up the can I pretend to read, "Ebony. For beautiful afro hair." Cue much hysteria and frantic concern that his hair was going to end up a curly minge of afroness.

2. My friend once sprayed his hair with fun party colour spray, the kind you get from fancy dress hire shops. Picking up the can I pretend to read, "Last four to six weeks." Cue much hysteria and frantic concern that he was going to go round like a red-headed munter for a month.

I laughed until I stopped.
( Jimvin dropped plates on your arse at, Sun 7 May 2006, 18:05, Reply)

Just stupid
Also...

When I was very young I remember asking my mum what would happen if I put my hands in the toaster. Ignoring her advise that I would hurt I did it anyway and suffered nasty burns. Apparently about a year later I repeated the stunt with a car cigarette lighter.

I have since grown up and wised up. I am now a fireman!
(Vapour Trail, Sun 7 May 2006, 17:59, Reply)

Indoor Fireworks
When I was 7 I was at a friends birthday party. It was the usual affair - party games, jelly, cheese and pinapple cocktail sticks etc.

At the end of the food the hosting adults placed a small brightly coloured pill on our empty plates, then left the room for a minute. Being young kiddies we assumed they were sweets and promply scoffed them. The adults return to the room and looked horrified that we had eaten the little pills - they were indoor fireworks! Cue much frantic screaming and cursing from all the parents present, and violent vomiting from us kids. 9 of us went to hospital and I heard the hosts were nearly sued several times over!
(Vapour Trail, Sun 7 May 2006, 17:54, Reply)

mosquito repellant
I used some mosquito repellant in hongkong which smelled a bit like Tiger Balm, but stronger.

When I. inevitably, scratched my gonads without having washed my hands, they felt like they were on fire.

Which was a bit crap really.
(teasus likes tea, Sun 7 May 2006, 17:44, Reply)

And another one...
Not one of mine, but the honour belongs to a mate of my dads. Him and my dad used to work in a fruit and veg market, and one day they got an order in of Chillis. This guy unpacks the order, and my dad tells him he should go wash his hands. He doesnt. He goes for a slash instead. Cue hysteric wailing
(The Who Bird is eating Jaffa Cakes on, Sun 7 May 2006, 17:42, Reply)

Cooking mishaps
When my parents went on holiday, i was left to cook for myself (i was old enough to know how to cook, 14 or so - but never really had as my mum had fulfilled her task properly).
I was given strict instructions that if i was to use the toaster, i had to pull it away from its "resting place" flat against the wall. I was given no reasoning, just told i had to. Anyway, i wake at the crack of noon and think some toast is in order. In goes the bread, and i go up for a slash while i'm waiting. Come down the stairs to find foul tasting and smelling smoke filling the living room and kitchen. The thermostat on the wall had melted due to my lack of following instructions. As a result, molten plastic had also dripped into the toaster, rendering my delicious meal inedible.
Bollocks i think, and set about opening all the windows in the kitchen and living room to get rid of the smoke, whilst covering my mouth with my sleeve (foolproof smoke filter).
Still hungry, i decide to use to oven to grill myself some toast up. This time i recalled the instructions "if you use the oven, make sure you take all the other trays and pans out first (for some reason my mother keeps all that shit in the oven when its not used, because our kitchen is tiny). So i set about taking all the pans out, banged the grill on and went upstairs to open the bedroom windows too. Come down about 2 minutes later and think "fuck me, the smell and smoke isnt going!". Walk into the kitchen and open the grill for my delicious toast. I had left a plastic egg poacher in the oven, which was now melted to the bottom of the oven; once again acrid smoke filled the house, and the jumper had to be employed to filter out the harmful toxins.

Had cereal in the end.
(Nyphur, Sun 7 May 2006, 17:24, Reply)

Fudge...
My mum and dad once bought some fudge, and told me I wasn't allowed to eat it. Which of course, when you're eight years old, means you're going to eat it and not tell them. 3 hours later I chucked up all over my aunty's carpet, and noone could work out why, that is until my mum found her depleated stash of fudge. First alcohol induced vom...yey me!!
Edit: Just realised that I didn't mention it was Irish Cream flavoured fudge. Very strong Irish Cream flavoured fudge
(The Who Bird is eating Jaffa Cakes on, Sun 7 May 2006, 17:16, Reply)

They told me
to finish writing before I press 'pos
( Lightguy hail satan, Sun 7 May 2006, 16:59, Reply)

Well,
Chuck Norris quotes or references simply arent funny any more are they. On a note more relative to the subject in hand, I once took 13 allergy tablets as a child in half an hour. The limit was 2 every 24 hours. I was a sick, sick little boy.
( HelloIamAdam and Adam is my name, Sun 7 May 2006, 16:46, Reply)

mmmm, smoky
Disposable BBQ. Do not use indoors. Especially not in your 2nd floor apartment kitchen.

PAH!, I'm Australian. I can BBQ anywhere I like. Light BBQ. Place on stove top and turn on exhaust fan, that will take all the smoke outside where it won't be intrusive.

20 minutes later a knock at the front door. It's the german neighbours saying that the building is on fire and the firemen will be here in a few minutes.

Errr, I might know something about that. I..um..well you see...er..BBQ...kitchen...sorry. My bad. I make it stop now.

I finished cooking about half an hour later because I basically hate people.

It was tasty.
(unclehunty, Sun 7 May 2006, 15:38, Reply)

Emadex said not to put a CD in the microwave, shiny side up.
And especially not to cook it on high for 5 minutes.

So i didn't.

Curiosity got the better of me, and I stuck it in for 20.

Bought a replacement microwave yesterday.
( Lord Aerixis, Sun 7 May 2006, 15:17, Reply)

My Father once told me...
Don't piss off Chuck Norris!

I am now writing this through the use of a medium.
(One_Winged_Angel Ich Dien, Sun 7 May 2006, 11:00, Reply)

Always wise in hindsight...
A friend of mine once sagely told me that if I ever was seriously considering the kidnap and sexual assault of a child, I must kill them and dispose of the body in quicklime afterwards.

It is only now, after being bum-fucked for the thousandth time in the prison showers, that I regret leaving so much living, breathing evidence.
(misteroz, Sun 7 May 2006, 6:03, Reply)

Two ovens. Two smoke filled occasions.
When we moved one time, we got a new fancy schmancy oven. My mother went to 'test it out' and proceeded to bake the INSTRUCTIONS. Plastic bag, paper, and all. Smoke filled kitchen number one.

We had that oven for a few years..until it broke or something. We got another new one. Cue my mom using it for the first time(was a flat topped one) and BAKING THE INSTRUCTIONS yet again. Smoke everywhere and a bonus plastic coating to be BURNED every time the oven was used for a while.

Now we always make sure to check for anything that might be inside appliances that includes heat. Including toasters which somehow allways seem to have bread wrapper plastic 'decor' on the sides.




*sigh*
(gingerdeadgirl, Sun 7 May 2006, 2:26, Reply)

In reference to my previous post...
I decided to wash the bile-encrusted organism that was once a small rug, as the smell was making want to give it some friends.

Anyway, it turns out there IS a good reason why it says hand wash only.

Because it will clog up the washing machine with red bits of fluff.

And it'll will end up a small, red, circular 'rug' which doesn't sit flat, and which will shed EVEN MORE fluff on your nice new carpet.

So I go from small vomit-monster to what looks like an extra from 'The Muppets do Menstruation'. Yay.

EDIT/ Apparently you're meant to leave these things out to dry. Bah
(Quantum Sheep was going to type something clever here...but...oh, Sun 7 May 2006, 2:21, Reply)

CDs
Do not, under any circumstances, place an unwanted CD in a microwave oven (shiny side up) and do not then proceed to cook it on high for about 5 seconds.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sun 7 May 2006, 1:41, Reply)

Blue Nose
In a chemistry lesson at school, my friend's little brother, at the tender age of eleven was cheerfully heating up copper sulphate in a beaker over a bunsen burner.

"Careful!" warned the teacher, knowing that he was working with a group of curious, over-enthusiastic and overwhelmingly idiotic boys "Don't any of you stick your fingers in the copper sulphate, it'll turn them blue.."

"Hmmm," thinks Jonathan (for that was his name), "I wonder what happens if I stick my NOSE in the copper sulphate?"

He turned up to choir practice that day with a blue nose.
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Sun 7 May 2006, 0:51, Reply)

Oo I got another one
Working with dangerous machinery without following the safety instructions is bad enough, now imagine you are thick as shit.

This is the story of a colleague of my boyfriend's when he was working in a factory job to support himself at uni.

The guy was working on a machine that cut cardboard with a big fuckoff blade. In order to save time a lot of the workers would routinely flout the safety instructions by leaving guards up on machines etc. The inevitable happened and this guy managed to lop a finger off in the machine - house red everywhere, a month off work recuperating, finger could not be reattached so he was left with a little finger stump.

On his first day back he is having a sickness review with his boss. 'So you're feeling better, all ready to come back to work?', 'Oh yes' says the stump fingered guy.

'One thing I still don't understand' says the boss, gesturing at the machine, 'is quite how you managed to cut your finger off in the machine!'.

'Oh, I just did this' he says...

and sticks his hand into the machine.
(Kazza , loathing myself so you don't have to, Sat 6 May 2006, 23:48, Reply)

When I was about 7 or 8
My dear daddums got me a plastic model boat kit as a birthday prezzie. As he left for work he promised to help me put it together when he got home, but he didn't bargain on my impatience.
Having some spare time before going to school, I decided to show him I didn't need his help or even the assembly instructions, and reached for the glue. The first two parts which appeared to fit together were quickly smothered in plastic cement and pushed together firmly - perfect! Right then though time ran out and off to school I toddled, mighty pleased with myself.
For some reason I can't remember, I didn't carry on with it when I got home from school - just as well really, because when he got home from work, dad had to spend quite some time trying to cut free the battery compartment lid that I'd stuck down!
To this day I still use the phrase "You stuck the battery lid on, didn't you?" when anyones impatience gives me extra work to do, although I do have to explain it most times.
(Technotrousers is a caffeine-based lifeform, Sat 6 May 2006, 22:51, Reply)

Don't watch this film while stoned....
...is an instruction I frequently ignored during my student days. Got my come uppance when a friend lent me a copy of David Cronenberg's "Videodrome", with strict instructions not to watch it while stoned "...and this time I really mean it." Yeah, whatever, pass the spliff, puff, toke, hit Play...

...and end up curled up in a ball on the armchair watching through my fingers, not daring to turn the player off as that would involve moving closer to the TV (remote control long since missing presumed dead).
(lolwhites, Sat 6 May 2006, 22:44, Reply)

The message I'm getting from most of these posts...
Parents and teachers, telling children not to touch something means they will touch it. Perhaps if you take the extra few seconds to tell them WHY not to touch said object, eg. because it'll burn your c**ting fingers off, a lot of pain would have been avoided.

But you're all going to carry on and ignore that, aren't you...
(Dyslexic Pidgeon, Sat 6 May 2006, 22:22, Reply)

DO NOT
Do not pass go
Do not collect £200

Do not take the piss :-P
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 6 May 2006, 22:21, Reply)

DO NOT read this post
DO NOT post a message about reading this post
DO NOT title your post "DO NOT read this post" and include a copy of these instructions, thus creating a viral meme thingy
DO NOT allow this message to remind you of 'The Game' like it reminded me of 'The Game'
DO NOT Lose 'The Game' like I just did
DO NOT click 'I Like This!'
(Plyck, Sat 6 May 2006, 21:39, Reply)

True
I notice there's not many of the obvious one.

Women don't have instructions so we men technically ignore them.

And we wonder why we get slapped a lot - well, I don't wonder - I know I'm a jackass.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Sat 6 May 2006, 19:38, Reply)

HF Welding for making swimming pools
In england some people are stupid enough to buy an outside swimming pool, with the faint hope of using for 1 week in 52.
I used to work in a factory that made swimming pool liners, these went between the concrete and the water, giving a pleasing visual effect of tiles/nice painting,etc.
Now some uber rich cnuts would order a 'special' of having a dolphin or some stupid motif in the middle, how did this reach in the middle of the liner, well, imagine all the THICK HOT SWEATY PVC between the HF machine, the welding bar and some stupid dolphin layout, which had to be welded with robotic prescion else the whole liner was f**cked.
So the instructions were, dont lean under the machine, you could hit yourself ont he HF feed going into the copper bar.. But when you half an swimming pool liner behind it there isnt much choice.
So of course press the button weld.. head clips on the MAIN FEED to HF welder with the bigest fucking flash i have ever seen in my life. Thankfully no perm damage, apart from the appertite never to have a shitty external swimming pool with a crap liner..
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Sat 6 May 2006, 19:01, Reply)

Lord Christopia...
Yeah, mate of mine did the disposable barbecue thing too. But even better. She put them on plastic tables. Just imagine the fun.

And she was a physics student. You'd think... oh well.
(littlesunshine licked your blinky diodes on, Sat 6 May 2006, 18:30, Reply)