Goldfish Samurai....
I hear you about the depression thing! I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and my M.I.L is convinced that my diet is solely to blame. Half cocked advice from the underinformed really doesn't help does it?
(LunarJim, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 14:04, Reply)

1s and 2s
So, not really a scary MiL story, just extremely embarrassing for both of us... 5 weeks after I'd first starting seeing my new lady, it was suggested that we go home to see her folks for the weekend, and not wanting to put the cat among the pigeons off we went to her sunny hometown.

First night we were there I discovered that they don't normally close the bathroom door properly at their house.... by walking in on her mum sitting on the loo...

I ran straight off to the missus and told her and she laughed her socks off! Meanwhile her mum and I have both never been so red faced and have never spoken of it again...
(monkey see, monkey do, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 13:59, Reply)

Current MIL Is Lovely
Being an almost cradle snatcher (the GF is 21, I'm 28) and my MIL being a teen mum, I am in the potentially enviable position of there only being 9 years between me and MIL - this does mean that she takes me seriously and doesn't patronise me. But the best bit is that when Mrs Og is away with work or something she always makes sure I am well fed while she is away. Being half-asian, MIL can cook a decent curry, and I like curry.

Lovely.

Apologies for absence of humour - need to finish writing the rant about ex MIL who was far from lovely.

(Insert length/girth joke here)
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 13:54, Reply)

Not a mother in law
but a mother none the less - and boy do I feel sorry for the poor girl that's going to end up with this woman as a MIL...

...I was about ten and was invited around a mates house. He's half Jewish and half British, so I never realised he was part Jewish till I met his mum. And oh boy do Jewish mother's live up to their reputation...

...We were watching TV and it was a bit loud, cue screams from the next rooom to "turn that racket down if you know what's good for you!" So I tried to turn down the volume but must have hit thw wrong button. I pressed again and held and watched as the colour drained from the screen. I tried turning it back but his remote was full of weird symbols and I was used to my remote which simply said "colour". He grabbed the remote off of me, and at the time I didn't realise why he was so panicky.

So the mother comes back in because it's still loud and she sees the TV is now black and white. She looks at my mate holding the remote:
"What have you done!?"
"Buh-buh-buh"
The poor kid was bricking it. And, with good reason. She marched over and walloped him around the face in a brutal backhand that literally knocked him off his chair and left him face down on the floor clutching his cheek. whimpering. She continued to yell something incomprehensible and then turned to me. She said completely calmy "I think you should go home now". Being ten and an abject coward, I wasn't about to disagree. I left and could hear the screams continuing from indoors. And to add salt to the wound, my mum wasn't due to pick me up for another three hours. I was in the middle of nowehre, not knowing which way was home and had to sit on the roadside for three hours. I've never been so glad to not be Jewish.
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 13:34, Reply)

my lenth is but two lines,
my girth would block the chunnel...

i'm waiting baby ;)
(unlawful odour i dunno..., Thu 8 Sep 2005, 13:30, Reply)

Vinegar tits
Thought it was a good idea to go on holiday to the South of France with the in-laws, reasoning that they're the cheapest babysitting service there is.

The MiL (no MILF at all - imagine the curmudgeonly elephant Lisa Riley in 25 years time) spent almost the entire fortnight parading around with her tats on display to demonstrate how liberal she is. First time she took her top off I felt the shiver of someone walking over my grave. By the end of the second week (and a couple of full monty displays later) I needed therapy.
(Rex_Mundi, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 13:27, Reply)

My ex’s mum was hot-....
fitter than her daughter in fact! *sigh* I like the more experienced ladies… forty is indeed naughty!

And to all you first place desperados and unfunny posters (you know who you are) I simply have this to say- What. The. Fuck? Time and a place eh?

And I’m going to come round and dry fist the next person to make a length joke. You have been warned.
(this is a shit username, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 12:48, Reply)

I'm lucky enough to suffer from re-occurring depression -
I am told by my born again christian m.i.l. that it's the devil and his cohorts clinging on to me and dragging me down. I should find god and I will be cured.

This advice does not help.
( Goldfish_, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 12:45, Reply)

Current GF's Mum
Seems to love telling me things neither of her 2 daughters know. Once she's had a drink she's unstoppable.

Latest updates:-

"I haven't taken speed in a long time, but I used to love it"

"When I was pregnant with the girls, their Dad was a junkie"

"I only have cocaine twice a year"
(FiftyFour, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 12:44, Reply)

Mine is a born again christian
and she likes to recount the dreams she has where I am drowning and she is on a boat - she wants to save me but she can't because I lack faith. The only way to get on the boat is to believe in our lord. I am going to hell.

Besides, the only person who will be in heaven is her at this rate, so I'd rather not bother, thanks very much.
( Goldfish_, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 12:41, Reply)

Mother In Law's car
My mother in law has personalised number plates on her car: KLGRFA

Almost nobody understands what it means, even in this age of SMS text message abbreviations. She fancies herself as a bit of a calligrapher, you see. In fact, she is quite good at it. Still, that is no excuse for number plates like that.

Also, my wife is dead embarrassed of those plates. So when our car was broken for a month, which car do you think they lent to us?
(Skippyfillet, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 12:34, Reply)

My Mother-In-Law
has a Borderline Personality Disorder. Strictly that doesn't make her mad, under existing Mental Health Law, but it certainly makes her a RIGHT CUNT.

Glad I got that off my chest...
( collapsibletank procreates, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 12:17, Reply)

I don't have a MiL but this anecdote was told me by an old boss.
He was drinking with 3 mates in his local (Welsh valleys) working men's club, and they started a conversation about their respective mothers-in-law.

One said his was an old dragon, another said his was overly snooty and house-proud, and the ex-boss said his couldn't boil an egg to save her life.

The last guy turned to them and stated, "I won't have a bad word said about my mother-in-law. She's a lovely lady, cooks a wonderful Sunday roast, I've never felt anything but a warm welcome in her house and she'll baby sit the kids at a moment's notice. They all love her and she never forgets a birthday or an anniversary."

Then he paused and the other three felt a little guilty.

"No, she's a fine woman, my mother-in-law." he continued and then added with venom, "It's her bloody daughter I can't stand!"
(Doctor Evil, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 12:13, Reply)

After the birth of my son....
... my mother in law came to stay.. 2 weeks later I had a nervous breakdown and was rushed off to the emergency doctor in floods of hysterical tears. Had to explain to her that I was suffering from depression and 'needed some space now'.
Lucky to, my wife was on about having her stay on another week before that.
(LunarJim, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 12:10, Reply)

My sister's Mother-in-law.
Their surname is "Hawes".

Upon informing her in-laws that they were expecting their first child, my sister, the card, told them that they were planning to call the child "Randy".

After a moment's contemplation, her mother-in-law exclaimed, "Over my dead body!".

It would be amusing to say that she died shortly before the birth of Randy, but that wouldn't be true.
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Thu 8 Sep 2005, 11:51, Reply)

Poetry
On announcing our engagement my future MIL piped up with this little ditty:

"Change the name but not the letter
Marry for worse and not for better"

And as both our surnames start with W I can only assume she thinks we are doomed.

But then again she also believes that burying a steak in the back garden can cure a sore throat.
(Sameranda, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 11:45, Reply)

Questionnaire
Again, not technically MIL, but long term girlfriend's parents subjected me to a three page questionnaire. It was partly jokey but but you could tell they were deadly serious about it. Sample questions:
What woman from history do you most admire?
Are you in love?
Have you ever been unfaithful?
What's your idea of a perfect date?
What do you look for in a girlfriend?

To the last one I obvously said 'big tits'.
(kidcamel is due to call your mum at, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 11:25, Reply)

She's a teacher
The first meeting was terrifying as I really liked this guy (still together 6 years later) and I wanted it to go well. I was in college studying English. When she found this out she was asking what books I'd read (none of the ones she's read), whether I knew what very long, English language words meant and where they come from (I did know but rabbit in headlights syndrome made me forget how to speak).

Both his parents seem to like me. But his mum rattles my cage when she unexpectadly sneezes (imagine a bomb going off in a library), you make her a cup of tea and she will fall asleep with it on her lap and also when she says "I'm so tired. I was doing my marking and got to bed at 2am and dya know what? I was up at 5am doing the washing. I'm so tired" WELL GO TO BED THEN instead of watching your stories on TV!

Love her really.
( Joliet, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 11:16, Reply)

School?!?
Upon meeting my (now ex) BF parents for the first time, there was some sort of confusion and I was not properly introduced as his GF (lots of people around etc).

About an hour later his father and I start talking and he asks why I'm out so late and don't I have school tomorrow?


I'm 20 and BF is 31.


I didn't laugh. And we have since broken up. I don't think he fancied explaining to his parents that he was, in fact, a kiddie fiddler.

Apologies for not sticking strictly to the QOTW, but I feel that I am a little to young for that kind of commitment.
( Argh. There be scallys in the ranks., Thu 8 Sep 2005, 11:15, Reply)

Mother-in-law
Not technically my M-I-L:
Keeps refering to digital cameras as "diagonal" camera ... bless her :)
(roet, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 11:02, Reply)

Thanks Mother-in-law (GFs mum actually...)
About a month or two into our relationship, my then girlfriend's mum kicked her out of the house, stating that "If she's going to spend more time with 'that boy' than to come home, she can spend every night out!"

Sex was pretty much on tap after that point, until she decided it was "cruel of her to not let you back into the house"
Bitch
( Insane Maniac musically inclined (about 45°), Thu 8 Sep 2005, 11:02, Reply)

I was 15 or so
and used to go up Diane Jones's house and finger her in the front room (of the house!) listening to Toyah.

Her mother was always making excuses to interrupt - which would have been fair enough if she was just trying to delay becoming a gran, but the fact is she started wearing increasingly low-cut tops and obviously giving me the come-on.

Again - fair enough, a teenage boy's fantasy you might think, except that Diane knew it was going on and seemed to approve.

Eeuuww!
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 10:53, Reply)

Not married, therefore not technically my mother in law
But, on my first meeting the parent, O won some affection from them - they'd questioned me on my politics, familly, religion, job, life etc. The conversation turned to autobiographies; I exclaimed how i'd probably never write one, to which they said - well you'll never have enough material will you? - yes i said, especially if I have any more nights like this...

On the return leg (bread knife meets my parents) I warned her we have a pesky do that likes all things smelly (tissues/socks/pants), I went for a shower in the morning, dog comes in grabs the nearest tissue and runs out in to the dining room... what was in the tissue??? cue mortified girlfriend and rather embarrased mum. DOH
grith and nehlt?
(GBDennis, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 10:27, Reply)

Take my mother-in-law.....please.....
After the somewhat traumatic birth of our first child, I went outside the hospital for a well needed cigarette and to ring everyone and tell them the news that I wouldn't be sleeping for the next five years or so.... On ringing my mother-in-law, I was informed by her partner that she was already on her way to our house.....a fact that nobody else seemed aware of, least of all me.....
When I finally left the hospital later that night, I arrived home to find her sitting next door with the neighbours drinking tea. WTF???

She then proceeded to spend the next five days expecting to be waited on hand and foot, whilst I was back and to the maternity ward trying to prepare for the arrival home of our little bundle of joy. I took her into the hospital the following morning to introduce her to her my first born, where she was greeted by my better half saying "Hello mother, hasn't your son-in-law given you a lovely grand-daughter...?" To which she replied the now immortal line "Well Helen, there is always the sperm-bank, you know...."

How we chortled as I laughingly felled her with a forearm smash..... (warning: this last sentence may contain traces of untruth)

To make matters worse, on the day they were due home from the hospital, she very kindly(!) stayed at home to prepare the house for the impending arrival. At the time we had a very old, and very infirm cat, who could no longer negotiate the cat flap, and had to have a litter tray. We arrived home - the proud parents and the beautiful baby - to be greeted by a smell second only to some of last week's QOTW answers, because the cat had be-fouled itself, and the mother-in-law felt she was above such menial tasks as emptying a litter tray. The following row was a joy to behold, as my wife - bless her - basically and somewhat succinctly pointed out to her mother that it might be best for all concerned if she re-mounted her broomstick and fuck off into the sunset, which , I am delighted to report, she did......

Now who said there was no such thing as a happy ending?
(Desolation Angel, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 10:20, Reply)

Bad Mother-in-law joke...
Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My MIL is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."

hehehe
(Danzo, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 10:13, Reply)

Where do I begin...
When I first went round to tea...

Sitting there being all formal I hear her shout at Mrs YC "YOU MUST WASH YOUR HANDS YOU'VE BEEN STROKING THE CAT".

Ah it was me she was shouting at, and things have just got better and better...
(Yellow Car is now red, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 10:08, Reply)

Tragedy
Well I can't for the life of me think of a funny mother-in-law story - I actually really liked mine. Hated my wife, but got on great with her mother.

So in lieu of a funny story I'm cheating and going for the sympathy vote. This qualifies as a MIL story as she was there for most of my own personal tragedy.

I wrote this story 1n 1999 before I got married. In retrospect, a lucky escape - but it didn't feel like it a the time.....

Enjoy....

First Posted Feb 1999

A couple of weeks ago I posted asking advice on wether to attend the
forthcoming birth of my first child. Well, I did, just not the way I
intended. My GF dropped the ball, and my kid, on Sunday night.

~~~~~~~~~~
wavy lines
~~~~~~~~~~

On Saturday night, the GF started complaining of severe lower back
pain. I wasn't too concerned as she'd been complaing about this for the
last couple of weeks and the docs didn't seem concerned. Then she went
to the bog and came back, white-faced, and said there was a little
blood. So I called the docs, got directed to the out-of-hours service,
and eventually got to speak to a doctor who advised us to come into
hospital as soon as possible.


As we live on a farm in the middle of nowhere and I'd had a couple of
bottles of wine so I couldn't drive they sent a car with a paramedic
to pick us up. ( We do this sort of thing in the country. If it's a
serious incident, an ambulance is dispatched, if it's not so serious, a
car is sent for you. As the GF was ambulatory and not bleeding very
much, a car was the quickest option. )

Car arrived and we eventually ended up in the local casualty department
of our hospital. We were seen instantly ( another advantage of living
in the countryside ) and the doc had the GF on the couch with her legs
spread in a flash. The doc ( a female ) stuck this weird metal device
up my SRs snatch and then twisted a few buttons and this clamp-thingy
opened it's jaws so the doc could get a good look. We were told that
there was a very slight bit of spotting, but the cervix was tightly
closed and there probably was nothing to worry about. If it got any
worse or if we were worried in any way, she asked us to call the
hospital straight away and they would bring us back in. So off we went
back home........

Sunday passed without incident. The GFs pain had gone and we had quite
a pleasant day. Sunday evening came and went and we went to bed around
11. And then the fun started.

At around 4am, the GF woke me complaining of very bad pain. I tried
rubbing her back, comforting her but to no avail. She then went to the
bog and came back saying the bleeding had started again, only heavier
this time. I ran downstairs and phoned the out-of-hours service and
waited for a doc to call me back. In the meantime, the GF was having
more and more pain and now had a bathroom towel jammed between her
legs. I checked up on her and said " Fuck this. We're getting an
ambulance." She didn't want me to as she didn't want the neighbours
disturbed ( women are bloody weird! Here she is bleeding to death and
shes worried about waking the neighbours! ) but I went for the phone
and called the emergency service ( 999 in Britain ) and her mother.After about 10
minutes, the ambulance arrive follwed closely by her mother.
Bloody good going considering where we live. The paramedics didn't
seem too concerned at first - I think they
thought we might be over-reacting. Then her eyes went wide and she
said "Oh fuck! It's running down my leg" and there was a flood of blood
darkening the towel. Shit I was scared! I knew that shouting and
screaming would just be counter productive so I just stood there,
crapping myself. - Thats the worst thing about situations like this.
There's absolutely fuck all you can do except keep out of the way and
let the pros do their stuff. My GFs mother had her arm round me and
I was just shaking desperately trying to think of something I could do.
I hate feeling helpless.

After a few minutes, they got her to the ambulance and started an IV.
Then we set off to the nearest big hospital with a Maternity Ward. This
was around 35 miles away. By the time we got there the SR was fairly
well out of the game on gas and air and we were quickly taken to a
private room where the midwives and docs got to work. As they lifted
her onto the bed, there was another gush of blood and she screamed with
the pain. I'd never seen so much blood. And then, before anyone could
do anything, there was another contraction, a flood of bright red, and
my kid was born. At fourteen fucking weeks. Dead as a fucking door-
nail.

Not a lot left to say now. These things happen and I'm just glad that
the GF is OK. She's back home now and we're both recovering. The most
tasteless thing about the whole affair was after we had lost the baby
and the GF was resting, a midwife came in and asked us if we'd like to
*see* the baby and say goodbye to it! For fucks sake!

Legless
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 10:05, Reply)

Perfect Timing
A mate of mine got married last weekend, and only said to me the other day " I could do with a load of Mother in Law jokes"

Yet again the master that is B3TA comes to my aid.

Better think of an anecdote...
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 10:03, Reply)

She was great......
I took your mother in law.......She was a beast.....Could not get enuff....talk about fist thirsty........

Come on......
(cripps-zoid The rabbit buffer, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 9:58, Reply)

I don't currently have one
But I felt like posting the first answer.
( azerty, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 9:55, Reply)