We had the decorators in - hmmm possibly a joke there somewhere
We had a couple of guys in to rip out our old kitchen and replace with a new sparkly one. Charlie must have just been shy of 7 foot and everytime he went in and out of our back door *cough cough* he would hit his head on the hedge that grew along side it. My Mum decided to do something about it and next time she saw him proudly announced

"Did you notice? I trimmed my bush so you won't keep hitting you face on it"

Utter silence all round .....
(la la la la, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 9:27, Reply)

Poborsky lobbing Seaman
every five minutes on BBCi since EURO 2008 started.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 8:59, Reply)

My favourite one
But off the TV. Apparently a Fanny Craddock programme was teaching people how to make doughnuts. Roll credits.

Continuity announcer - "And I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's."
(sabre-tooth monkey, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 8:47, 2 replies)

Innuendoooo
While still courting with mr cupcake...many moons ago,
I would travel by train to Plymouth to see him. Once we
stopped in the station's spar shop to grab a ploughmans
sandwhich and was met with a queue.

'Joan, can you cum on the till please'

Cue mr cupcake shitting himself and me having to escort
him from said spar.....then I knew it was love......
(sexual cupcake, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 8:47, 2 replies)

The Hoobs
i had fallen asleep leaving the tv on again and woke up to the children's show The Hoobs blaring at me. unable to find the remote, I realised that the whole programme is a long, elaborate sexual innuendo. for example, this conversation:

iver: tula, do you want to ask a question?
tula: actually, i haven't thought of one, i've been too busy giving groove his "sparkly present"
groove: and i've been too busy "getting it"

plus an entire episode dedicated to 'how do we use our hands?'

and the episode about "chocolate" shows the furry threesome taking some very powerful acid.

i thought creative programme making for kids was dead. shows what i know.
(threadkiller, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 8:46, 1 reply)

In court (and off topic)
I often have to read out a statement, or deal with a witness giving evidence when something is said that would ordinarily reduce me to giggles. I have to hold it together, obviously, or risk being held in contempt. Some are innuendo, some are just plain funny.

Examples include:

"What did you do after the incident?"
"I went home, got into bed and just sorted myself out" -- victim in indecent assault trial


"When he had taken the items, I then saw him go straight for the chocolate aisle" -- security guard in shoplifting trial


"Any reason your DNA would be on the trainers?"
"No"
"Well they'll be sent off for insemination, ok?" -- officer interviewing suspect


"Do you know what you were hit with?"
"No, I didn't see, I just know it was long and hard" -- victim in an assault trial


"Another male, about 5'11", with short brown hair, was present, I will refer to him throughout my statement as ARSEHOLE" -- witness statement in assault trial.


"I knew it was Dean because he had "DEAN" tattooed on his neck" -- witness in assault trial


We have a folder with copies of the best ones, I'm going to publish it one day, and retire on the proceeds. Which I'll probably have to spend avoiding all kinds of legal action!

Oh, and our CCTV compilation would win You've Been Framed any day of the week -- a collection of the finest trampfights, pissheads, and inept thieves that the world has to offer, most of whom suffer some sort of extreme pain at some point, either at the hands of the local constabulary or fellow members of the criminal underclass.

I actually like my job.
(Exiled Youth [witty comment], Fri 13 Jun 2008, 8:29, Reply)

TV News Bulletin
heard this report on a news bulletin a few years ago and wondered how they couldnt have picked up on it before it got on air.. "tragedy strikes a group of vietnamese fruit pickers, 2 are in hospital and one man is dead after being hit by a minivan, the driver lost control of the vehicle as it drove down a slope."
(BirdFlu4Bush -----{|||only users lose drugs||==((|), Fri 13 Jun 2008, 8:27, 5 replies)

One must always check one's undercarriage....
Many years ago in a galaxy far,far away - or Leicester, to the uninitiated, a pathology class was dedicated to genitourinary tumours - lumps in one's undercarriage - and one particularly unremarkable specimen was asked to describe a disembodied nad, which happened to contain a rather large seminoma (not a pudding, btw).
Not really understanding the question, our hero looks flustered.

"Well, is it enlarged?" asked the lecturer.


"I dunno, I've nothing to compare it to..."


/ I'll get my scrote
(Ted Cunterblast, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 8:13, Reply)

If it's an innuendo that you want...
... I'll give you one.
( calibrax loves teh hamsters (not in that way), Fri 13 Jun 2008, 8:12, 3 replies)

German class
At school I was well known for messing about with toys in class (Nintendo Game & Watch, paper aeroplanes, you name it). German class was the worst - as I was living in Germany at the time, I got bored easily, as I already knew much of what was being taught.

There were only three pupils in the German class (that's public school for you) and one day I was, as usual, messing about with a new toy - this time a variation of the Rubik's cube.

The German master, who was a bit camp to say the least (he shared a flat with the Geography teacher - I'm still not sure to this day if he was gay or not) became very frustrated by the fact that I wasn't paying much attention to him.

Eventually he stormed over to my desk, snatched the toy from me and uttered the immortal line :

"Honestly! If we stripped you naked and stood you on the desk, you'd still find something to play with!"

It took a moment for him to realise exactly what he'd said... I've never seen anyone turn such a lovely shade of crimson as we pissed ourselves laughing...
( calibrax loves teh hamsters (not in that way), Fri 13 Jun 2008, 8:03, Reply)

Sorry
Personally, I always thought innuendo was an Italian suppository...
(Ted Cunterblast, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 7:57, Reply)

Good old Rogering
Our school had the name St Francis Xavier College. Now it used to be shorten to S.F.X to save spittle.

During an induction speech given by the always drunk Brother Roger (thats his name no joke).

He said this clanger "Welcome to your first year of S.E.X."
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 7:50, Reply)

Subway sandwiches
It doesn't matter how many times I've gone to Subway, or how often the staff have seen the badly disguised smirking, I can't help it but it's likely that I'll laugh. Not at someone offering me 6 inches, but at the idea of the foot.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 7:45, 2 replies)

I've been trying to think of a rude pun.
It's harder than it looks.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 7:31, 1 reply)

At school
When i was back inthe 5th form a mate of ours came out with the immortal line one morning.

" I couldnt sleep last night . i was tossing all night long"

Cue much laughter and a new nickname. I now think he may have been suffering from insomnia at least i hope so.
(welgar, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 7:26, Reply)

Woo - excellent repost potential
School assembly one morning. Usually some ageing god-bothering vicar guy is wheeled in front of us to try and persuade us that "Jesus is Trendy" and "Hey kids, don't be cnuts". Instead (and this is about the time that women were starting to be ordained) a tall, young, redheadded female vicar enters the hall; dogcollar and vicar-robes n'all.

We stand up dutifully as she processes to the lectern and once there she bids us sit.

Her opening gambit? "Well, I bet you've never had a woman up the front before..."

500 teenage boys and not a few members of staff simultaneously wet themselves with laughter which persists for the remainder of her lecture.
(absurdistan, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 7:21, Reply)

Sexy Balls and Childrens TV
My 3 year old daughter burst in to the living room saying she wanted "Sexy Balls". The discussion ended with us still convinced she was asking for Sexy Balls, until we nervously asked her to show us what she meant.

We went through everything on CBeebies until we heard her say "That's it!" and started watching "64 Zoo Lane"... as she began singing "Sexy Balls, Sexy Balls, Sexy Balls, Zoo Lane!"
(kna has forgotten everything., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 7:19, Reply)

Puppets!
During one college theater class, we were preparing to march in a huge parade with some giant puppets - the kind where one person carries the head, and two others manipulate the giant hands. One guy wanted to carry the head of his puppet rather than the hand, and shouted across the noisy room with perfect innocence: "DAVE! DO YOU WANT THE HAND JOB?"

Could have heard a pin drop.
(tinyninja, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 4:51, Reply)

Teacher gets owned by a 12 year old
Unfortunately the teacher was me.
A couple of years back I was teaching in a rather deprived area to say the least. Most of the kids had unemployed, junkie parents who spent a lot of time in court. Funny enough, they were nice kids at heart, but rough as fuck, stoned in class, breaking windows, nicking stuff etc. Most of them, if they came to class, had no books or paper and were spazzed out hyper.
You can imagine my delight when over the course of the year, I get them to settle down and actually take interest in the lessons. They were even doing work that wasn't assigned, craptastic but nonetheless it brought a tear to my eye.
I had spent a week teaching them about verbs, "action words, something you can do", I explained this in very simple terms and I was pretty confident that they had it nailed down.
I decided it was time to see my shining scholars demonstrate their new found knowledge, perhaps followed by standing on their desks and declaring "O captain, my captain." Sorry if this goes on a bit, but feel free to skip all of the poem after the first stanza. (I just thought you might like the poem)
Me: Ok, read the following poem and underline the verbs.

Digging


Between my finger and my thumb
The squat pen rests; as snug as a gun.

Under my window a clean rasping sound
When the spade sinks into gravelly ground:
My father, digging. I look down

Till his straining rump among the flowerbeds
Bends low, comes up twenty years away
Stooping in rhythm through potato drills
Where he was digging.

The coarse boot nestled on the lug, the shaft
Against the inside knee was levered firmly.
He rooted out tall tops, buried the bright edge deep
To scatter new potatoes that we picked
Loving their cool hardness in our hands.

By God, the old man could handle a spade,
Just like his old man.

My grandfather could cut more turf in a day
Than any other man on Toner's bog.
Once I carried him milk in a bottle
Corked sloppily with paper. He straightened up
To drink it, then fell to right away
Nicking and slicing neatly, heaving sods
Over his shoulder, digging down and down
For the good turf. Digging.

The cold smell of potato mold, the squelch and slap
Of soggy peat, the curt cuts of an edge
Through living roots awaken in my head.
But I've no spade to follow men like them.

Between my finger and my thumb
The squat pen rests.
I'll dig with it.

Looking around the classroom, the little unchins were really making an effort, a whole generation of underacheivers sticking it to the man and rising above the shit. The head hyper nutter was buried in the poem, tongue hanging out the side of his mouth, eyes focussed, smiling like a mong, hands grubby with ink, even his lice were behaving. Suddenly he sits upright, looks straight at me and beams "finished sir! ask me."
Me: Alright Sean, what's the first verb?
Sean: "Finger" sir.
Now you can see where this is going, but I had put blood sweat and tears into teaching these chavs verbs, and by fuck, verbs they will learn. The blood pressure went through the roof.
Me (eyes popping out of my head, veins in my neck): Sean, what in the blazes is a verb?
Sean: An ackchun word sir, summit' you do sir.
Me: Then how is "finger" a verb? Have you ever seen somebody fingering?
Sean: Yeah, I saw me cousin fingering that slapper Jenny from number 27
You can imagine the uproar. I cut the insides of my mouth trying not to laugh.
It broke my heart to give him detention, genius.
(knackerz is skinning up, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 4:44, 7 replies)

my Kiwi cousin
When he was about 10 or so my cousin Stephen gave himself the nickname Stiffy and made everyone use it.

I think he died of shame a couple of years later when he realised what he'd done, or at least wished he could.
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 3:41, Reply)

Every
year or two (I can't remember exactly) my school would all troop out on to the playing field, arranged in rows of years, and clamber on to a rickety set of scaffolding to have the school photo taken.

When I was about 14 the photographer was a flouncy arty man of about 45. He spend several minutes organising us, chivvying and shouting, generally getting the set up for the photo correct.

So, 800 immature teenage boys ('twas an all boys school), a photographer, and all waiting for the moment when the picture would be taken. The photographer pulls the lever thing... and nothing happens. He tries again, and nothing happens. We start to fidget.

In exasperation he shouts out: "ABCD School! I can't pull!"

Much hilarity ensu... well... some people laughed.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 3:32, Reply)

The knob.......
A fair few years back when my older brother was still at secondary school, he was sitting in a geography lesson, taught by a mr.williams (whom i call baldylocks for obvious reasons). But anyway that particular day the tannoy speaker in the room was broken, in that the volume was stuck at maximum and the volume knob had broken off. So after multiple deafening tannoy anouncements, baldylocks said out loud to the class: "If I had a knob I'd screw it back on!" Cue much laughter from the class of course (don't know how long for).

Length? I try not to think about it.......
(Howling_Mad Gave God the finger on:, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 3:23, Reply)

A couple from a friend...
...who used to work in a hospital as an OT.

They had a whiteboard for all the OTs to write their names on when they were in the building, to make it easy to keep track of who was where. Upon leaving for the day, you were supposed to erase your name. However, several people had been neglecting to do so, which lead to the posting of a sign reading "ATTENTION: WILL ALL STAFF PLEASE RUB THEMSELVES OFF BEFORE LEAVING."

Another time, someone (I can't remember the names, so we'll call him Gerald) was being rotated out of the ward into another one, and a meeting was being held to introduce his replacement (who we'll call, say, Martha). The person speaking farewelled Gerald, and then welcomed Martha, saying "Now, remember to be nice to Martha, as she'll have to take Gerald's load on her back."
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 2:02, Reply)

fast food fun
the future mrs 1574 has worked at several places whilst she earned her degree...

taco bell drive thru - asking people if they wanted hard or soft (tacos) insured much hilarity

she then went on to a subway - and had to keep asking if people would like a 6' or the whole footlong

this stuff writes itself some days....

length? she likes them hard and a footlong but shes been spoiled since shes been with me
(Paul1574 dont mind me im just lurking...., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 1:48, Reply)

the what?
my daughter, trying to read to her younger sibling asked if he wanted to hear the story of "the tortoise and the whore"

im STILL trying to explain why i turned bright red, fell on the floor and almost coughed up a lung laughing
(Paul1574 dont mind me im just lurking...., Fri 13 Jun 2008, 1:36, Reply)

We get through a lot of innuendos at work
The woman who sits opposite me at work has a great knack of opening her mouth and putting her foot in it. One of my favorites was when there was a lot of noise coming from the street outside the office, she got up to see what was happening and we asked what the noise was, she said....

"oh it's just some blokes sucking out a man hole"

Queue us laughing for 5 minutes
( JimmyD I let my best ideas go to waste, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 1:09, Reply)

they do come in different sizes
The attractive new teacher calls me in my classroom to tell me some little snot has stolen her mouse ball.

She knows I've got a rather large box of them up in my room and she asks me if I can take a ball from one of my mice and bring it down to see if it will fit.

Without missing a beat i blurt out -"Let me get this right, you want me to come down there and see if I can fit one of my balls in your mouse?"
( teknikl, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 1:07, Reply)

Email exchange
Back before we became a relatively successful organisation, afternoons would be livened up by exchanges between the entire company on the "Team" email. These were typically banal, ranging from where we'd have a drink that evening to mocking a member of the team. Innuendo did feature at points but was entirely intentional.

The relevance to this QOTW stems from the sudden and unexpected responses from a sales co-ordinator to one of these email exchanges when she hit reply all and uttered the immortal line- "Stop it guys you're jamming up my box." Cue a 500% step up in smut.

Length? Eight words gave us a few hours of mirth. I'm not in a position to comment on the capacity of said box though.
(Leonard Hatred briefly did some work on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 0:50, Reply)

I was such a doormat in college
I had this mega crush on this German guy, Tomas and I used to do his laundry. (yes, yes, I know, I was an idiot) I even folded it and put it away.

One day defending him against the accusation of slobism, I uttered the immortal line, "Oh yeah? Well, fat lot you know! I've looked in his drawers, and I've have you know he's very neat and lovely!"

I never lived it down.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 0:45, 2 replies)

I was in a shorthand class a few years ago. About 15 of us, mostly in their early 20s.
I was 30-odd and the oldest, most should-know-better-ish in the room, bar the tutor.
We'd just taken down a bit of dictation, using our half-learned squiggles as best we could.
The tutor was going back through the passage (nudge) and making sure we'd all got the right squiggles down.

TUTOR: Did everybody get 'would'?

ME: Christ, Pat, it wasn't that exciting...

Poor ol' Pat was the only one in the room who didn't have a clue what all the laughter was for...


(Oh, and a bonus feature: the top dawg in our local horticultural society seems to see nothing wrong with calling himself Dick Eaton.)
( Sea Tramp the thinking woman's 8 Ace, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 0:37, 1 reply)