a couple more....
There used to be a car wash place in Elstree with a sign outside proudly offering "Hand job - 5 quid"

Theres an IT company in Milton Keynes that I sometimes have to ring up from work called 'Beaver Solutions'. Apparently, Im the only person in my office that thinks it's funny.
(Lionel Tiger, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 9:18, Reply)

I didn't get a free lei in Hawaii...
But I got a cheap one
(GSM, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 6:14, Reply)

Sly Nintendo bastards....
Look Very careful and only read the letters with a gold star under them.




(For those too lazy/blind/stoned - U-R-MR-GAY)
(Churba, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 5:45, Reply)

Culinary Innuendo
A Mexican place I go to came up with a brand new dessert menu. So as I was flipping through the pages, I came across this one. Please note the description as well! If ONLY it came in magenta!



I actually took this picture THIS evening! Needless to say, I skipped the dessert course.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 5:32, Reply)

Quite an offer...
I was in a market in beijing last night and several different girls asked me if I wanted to give my girlfriend a pearl necklace. Seemed like a good deal all round...
(Bob the Scutter, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 4:50, 1 reply)

Not exactly accidental, but...
When overtired I suffer an unfortunate lack of restraint in the general department of inappropriately salacious and sarcastic remarks. I'm neither particularly caustic, nor sleazy, so the surprise of this has got me a lot of friends over the years, but does get me into trouble on occasion.

I was training as a record store clerk, my trainer - a girl with whom I'd become immediate pals - was demonstrating the procedure of issuing a voucher to me. Enter item code, print out slip, staple to inside of voucher card, put in empty CD jewel case, open plastic bag and...

"Just slip it in there."

"Oh, I bet you say that to all the boys."

"Excuse ME!" said my pal, mock-earnest.

"Excuse ME!" said the rather prim looking middle-aged lady we were serving, very earnest indeed.
(Ladyfingers is in your wardrobe,, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 3:31, Reply)

My Grandmother...
It seems, cannot construct a sentence without accidentally including a liberal dash of innuendo.

Some of the more memorable ones - after my missus went traveling
Grandmother - "So, Where's Salubi Now?"
Churba - "Just outside of Sydney, I think"
G - "I bet you're getting lot less exercise without her"
(The missus is a bit of an exercise nut)

After a long roadtrip with a group of friends (many of whom brought girlfriends) -
"Now, be Mindful, you boys like traveling, but the girls don't do that sort of thing, I bet they're all terribly knocked up."
(Later, in the same conversation)
"Well, I know you boys are a naughty lot, Did you get the girls in trouble?"

More to come.
(Churba, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 3:17, Reply)

Childcare gone wrong
My sister is the anxious, controlling type (and is a bit on the stuffy side), so it took a good few years for me to convince her that maybe, just maybe, I was trustworthy enough to look after her daughter for brief periods of time - like changing her nappy whilst my sister was on the phone in the next room.

Anyway, my niece was about three, and I'd been finally trusted on my own with her for a few precious moments at a family get-together, whilst my sister and her husband had gone to fetch drinks. My niece is excited about her juice. At this stage, it is worth pointing out, any drink that is not water or milk, is juice, and is terribly exciting, and highly desirable.

She's talking about her juice:

'my juice'
'yes, your juice'
'I have orange juice'
'yes, orange juice is nice'
'all gone'
'good girl, more juice later'

The usual exciting exchanges ... It's at this point that she spots my beer. Or juice as she likes to call it. Hey, I can get on board with this mentality, they do share a lot of similar qualities ...

'More juice' (pointing at my pint glass)
'No, this is my juice'
'I have your juice'
'No, this is special juice'
'Children's juice that you like?'

It is at this point that my sister returns. Having heard none of the previous conversation. And that I utter the immortal line:

'No, I like lady juice'


Why do these things come out of my mouth!
(cherrynicola, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 3:11, 1 reply)

ME and my friends used to play this game
basically you walk down the street having as normal a conversation as you can and as someone walks past you say something suggestive but as long as its relevant to the conversation at the time.

For example

Me:Today sucked
Friend:why ?
Me:Well i had this really stupid idea to put a pen

(someone walks past)
in my mouth and then i sucked on it really hard.

Give it a go see if you can put in such classics as

"And i swear to god that's the last time i put my fist in hole it doesn't belong"

and

"It was 12 inches long as went down a treat with my gooey yoghurt"
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 2:38, 1 reply)

At Long last... my first post
... but it's true, nonetheless.

Returning to my home town of Redruth to get drunk with my former schoolmates (there's sod all else to do there) I wandered into my old local. There behind the bar was a pint sized firecraker of a young barmaid. All of five feet tall but a real raven-haired beauty. Smiley, friendly and a cute little face that's just begging to be spaffed over.

Gazing in awe upon seeing me, she asked
'My God, how tall are you?'
'Six foot seven' I answered (cos I am)

Her next line makes me smile to this day
'Wow! could you give me seven inches?'

I grinned like a skinned badger, my mates nudged each other whooping 'wha-hay', and the barmaid turned bright red and ran away. Bless.

I won't apologise for length, cos it really is that long.
(HarvsPenzance was tired and confused at, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 2:25, 1 reply)

It must have...
already been stated... but I really really do get a chuckle from the sign outside our local carvery/family pub....

'Enjoy a spit roast on Sunday - £14.95'

My ex isn't quite as competitive with her pricing, nor does she hold it to Sundays only... 'I'll be an escort and not shag them', my arse... but that's another story and probably way to much information...
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 2:16, Reply)

Pumping
I work in the process pump industry and all of its glamour. Anyway, 15 years ago I worked in a cubicle farm office...phone rang in the guy's cubicle next to mine. Guy liked to use his speakerphone...caller wanted to put olive oil into his machine that made bread on an industrial scale. He said, "I want to pump olive oil" whereupon my coworker said, "Does Popeye know about this?" Thank God for speaker phones.
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 1:44, Reply)

Length
Well let's try it for size and see shall we?

WE'RE ALL ON PAGE 28 NOW. LOOK FOR THE WELCOME MAT

Edit:

EVERYONE is welcome to join us for a chat here
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 1:23, 211 replies)

Extra tongue, please
As a journalist, I often have to get in touch with people in a hurry. Often, this involves having to deal with the sub-human species known as PR people. This time, I was trying to reach a senior economist at a bank, via the flak. The flak decided she'd get in touch with him via mobile e-mail device. Rather than saying (like a normal person) that she'd e-mail him, or even blackberry him, she chose to pronounce the acronym of the manufacturer of said device.
``You should hear back this afternoon. I've just RIMmed him.''
I spat coffee at my keyboard, and it was about a half hour before i could breathe normally again
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 1:07, 2 replies)

More of a double entendre really
Jim and I (both snowboarders) are on a lift with an American girl who is a skier, and we're watching the young snowboarders in the terrain park below us trying to make jumps landing on their backs and lying in the snow, stunned.
"Don't you guys get sore asses?" asks the skier.
"Nah, we're just good friends." I reply.
(vicarius, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 0:21, 1 reply)

ONE I REMEMBERED IN TIME
My friends back in school:
Sophie: Connie Wonnie, would you pass me a ruler wuler?
Connie: Here you are Sophie Wophie
Sophie: Thank you wank you.

Length? 30 centimetres.
(stuckficks, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 0:17, Reply)

I nearly killed my best friend
After a heavy night out on the town, the only solution to fixing cat-litter throats and alcohol-dazed minds was hair of the dog and stodgy food, so D and I trudged to the local Wetherspoon's.

It was a grey day, neither of us had pulled the night before, and so conversation was sparse on the way there. Scanning the menu, I saw a new addition which was truly too horrific to conceive: the "Gourmet Burger" - a burger with blue cheese sauce, bacon and 6 onion rings. 6 ONION RINGS IN THE BURGER, FFS. It sounded so disgusting I had to see it to believe it. So, naturally, I ordered it, with a pint of lager to wash away the pain. D had made the slightly more sensible choice of Chicken Burger.

After an extended period of non-conversation and floor staring, it arrived. Jesus. It looked fucking awful in the menu, but on the plate... it looked like Elvis' final bowel movement.

I started to eat - it tasted exactly as it looked, except that the meat in the burger turned out to be little more than an over-inflated grease balloon. I bit into it, and instantly my chin, cheeks, even my eyebrows, were saturated by a searing hot jet of oil.

Apparently, the sight of me doing this was the funniest thing D had seen that weekend. He proceeded to piss himself laughing, with a mouthful of reformed chicken eyelids and arseholes. I was unhappy.

Struggling to stay on his seat, D, now in hysterics, managed (in a near soprano voice) to ask the very nearly fatal question. "Nice, is it?"

Trying to wipe the slick of my face with a napkin, and stuggling to get control of my gag reflex, I replied, "It's a bit greasy on the whole".

D actually fell off his seat, and turned an an alarmingly dark red colour, laughing so hard that he started to choke. I had to smack him hard on the back and he spat a semi-masticated blob across the pub. Wheezing, breathless and now sweating, it took D a couple of minutes before he could speak again.

The first words out of the mouth of a near-30-year-old father of one who'd probably just had his nearest near death experience of his life?

"You said, 'it's a bit greasy on the hole'."

Length? It flew through the air a good two metres and landed on a pensioner's shoe.
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Sun 15 Jun 2008, 0:05, Reply)

Freudian slip and slide...
I work in a tech support centre blabbing on to all sorts of foreigners and brits alike to find out the best way to resolve their computery fluck ups.

The best conversations usually involve hardware issues and quite often I find myself talking to Aussie women (mmmmm). Unfortunately, all my innuendo tends to spill at when talking to blokes which just makes it a hell of a lot worse (as I'm also a bloke).

I usually manage an accidental innuendo at least once a week and it usually goes something like this:

'It's the thick black one'
'Push it all the way in'
'Is it nice and tight?'
'Pull it out and and push it back in again'
(kettle lead)

Obviously colleagues are in stitches by the first bit and I quite often have snot blasting out of at least one of my many orrifices from failed attempts at stifleing my laughter.

I also managed another one earlier today - customer was giving me e-mail address, I went on to say 'That's a long one' AND 'it's a bit of a mouthful' in the same sentence!

Oh yes
( Chicken Skin Bag Making pearl necklaces since, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 23:59, Reply)

It came out my nose!
My gran was visiting so that she could watch the football on Sky. Three of my mates were round also and although numerous cans of falling over water had been consumed, everyone was on their best behaviour. In wandered my two cats and knowing a soft touch for a stroke when they saw one both made a beeline for my Gran's lap. I'm sure everyone can imagine the resulting fountains of spray as four blokes all choked on their mouth fulls of beer when my gran uttered the imortal line "i've got two pussys"! It was nine years ago and i still snigger about it to this day!

Lengh? Be gentle it's my first time
(Fraz1172 Speak Softly but wear a loud shirt, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 23:10, 2 replies)

Accidental Innuendo, eh?
Well, like in most northern families, my family tends to shorten the phrase "spilt Ocean Spray cranberry and blueberry juice" to the single word "shit", and likewise, we replace the word "laptop" with the two words "massive" and "penis", together of course, as a mighty phrase.

Needless to say, my cockney girlfriend was awful shocked when she came to stay and my mother screamed that I had "SHIT ON HER MASSIVE PENIS".

Even more shocked when I explained my family slang, and then explained again that the statement she made had nothing to do with juice and portable computers.

LOL
(Purple Jessop Jessoping Purple all over your father, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 22:55, 2 replies)

Not said by me, said by my hot lecturer.
During a statistics class, the lecturer was noting down how many fair haired blokes, fair haired wimmins, dark haired blokes and dark haired wimmins were in the class so we could do statistical analysis on it. He said "would the dark haired girls put up their hands so I can have a feel"...
(ToysForBigBoys would spread her legs for Nick Clegg., Sat 14 Jun 2008, 22:52, Reply)

Far too many to count.
I'm a dentist, which does give a certain degree of latitude in the innuendular department. My favourites all come from little old ladies. The two finest:

1) "Ooh Mr Lenny.. I'm having terrible trouble masturbating with them new teeth you made me.."

I say it was an accidental innuendo. I hope she meant to say masticating. You never know..

2) "Ooh Mr Lenny.. I'm having terrible trouble with my front bottom.."

?? Would madam care to elaborate ??

"Oh yes. This front tooth at the bottom has been terribly painful.."

I don't know who was more relieved; me or her.
(lennylaw, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 22:41, Reply)

Wimpy restaurants
Im not sure if they sell them anymore but wimpy restaurants have a curly cumberland style sausage in a bun called a bender in a bun.could never bring myself to order one though.actually, just found it.Got to be some kind of joke?

www.wimpy.uk.com/menu-bgr.html
(trapdoorberk, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 22:34, 3 replies)

First of many
On my first week on a building site as the only female on site I shouted across the site when surveying: "You're going to have to push that staff in harder, it's not long enough" when trying to take a reading on a dumpy level and was interpreted in totally the wrong way.
I spent a good two weeks hiding in the cube shed after that.

Length? 5m unfortunately, not enough.
(Smelon, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 22:10, Reply)

On Penetrating Wagner's Ring
As implied by the title, this collection probes deeply into Wagner's vast Ring piece. Accusations of anti-semitism make Wagner's Ring a sensitive area today, but it continues to offer pleasure to many. This is a masterful work of musical scholarship that deserves a place on any sturdy shelf. No doubt it will influence appreciation of Wagner's Ring for many years to come. Among the highlights is the revealing chapter on the many characters than Wagner has managed to cram into his Ring- from fearsome giants Fafner and Fasolt to dwarf-brothers Alberich and Mime. Also covered are the brass instruments that Wagner designed specifically for insertion within the Ring. There will always be those who are opposed to musical analysis (just the same as there will always be those who resort to juvenile humour, regarding the title). They may suggest that Wagner's Ring is 'violated' with excessive force of scholarship. For this reviewer, however, Wagner's Ring remains quite intact and is indeed tightened by the exploration. In short, this stimulating venture in and out of Wagner's Ring has resulted in a seminal, fluid output.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 14 Jun 2008, 22:06, Reply)

"That's not the first thing people will think of"
From time to time my clients hold what they (and a lot of other companies) refer to as 'Blue Jeans Day'. Although a lot of them do it once a year to symbolise clearing out old files and dumping anything they don't need any more, on this particular occasion they decided to do it once a weekly over the summer, and collect a donation to be sent to a local worthy charity.

So the dear middle-aged executive assistant who came up with this wholesome idea sent a company-wide email announcing it, and inviting everyone to join in for this worthy course.

The email header?
'Every Friday is BJ Day! $10'

Apparently the sound of laughter as one person after another received this email was a sight to behold.
(Thomas_The_Spankengine, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 21:55, 1 reply)

My G String
A couple of years ago when I was in my final year of school, I was practicing for my GSCE proformance, when the string on my violin snapped.
Me being the young innocent minded student in a stupidly short skirt and fitted shirt decided to to run into the next door 6th form music cass, with alot of men in it, screamin
'Miss! Miss! have you got a spare G string! I've snapped mine!"

Needless to say the whole class found it very funny including my teacher, I didnt live that down for a while.
(snugglesacks, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 21:54, Reply)

"But it's what turkeys do!"
In case anyone just landed from Mars, here in the US of A the big, wholesome family holiday each year is Thanksgiving (family-wise it's their equivalent of Christmas, but since it's non-religious it's the big event for the entire country).

Because of the traditional food that's pretty much required by law, a lot of Americans - including Mrs Spankengine - call it Turkey Day.

Imagine my delight when she showed me the nice seasonal greeting she sent to her clients. At the end she signed off: "Happy Turkey Day! Gobble Gobble!"

My friends and family back in Blighty are, of course, wonderfully amused by this.
(Thomas_The_Spankengine, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 21:47, Reply)

Ah Sports Day...
A few years ago when sports day still existed and wasn't primarily a paedophiles haven, my school held one.

It was a brilliant affair with everyone getting the afternoon off no matter if they were competing or not. This meant the geeks got to finish their homework early instead of watching, whilst the sporty kids were lucky enough to avoid their homework altogether with a conversation along the lines of:

"I pulled a hamstring at sports day yesterday and was in too much pain to do it."

"You look fine now."

"I pushed it back in." (A genius retort.)

Anyway it was customary for the results to be read out over the speakers, and the male teacher (Deputy Head no less, in classic cricketing umpire hat) that day had also taken it upon himself to atempt a bit of amateur commentary. Needless to say he soon stopped after the boy who was winning the year 10 hundred metres was described with this gem:

"And now in lane 4, Boughton is spreading his legs and showing his class."

The only other memory I have of that day was my buxom English teacher sucking on a Callipo. Ah memories...
(Foz, Sat 14 Jun 2008, 21:18, 1 reply)