Absolutely genuine brand names.
Nothing to do with me, but...well...they're fucking priceless, so that's my excuse.

Chinese glue: Ass Glue
Chinese sofa: Libido
East Asian fish sausage: Homo Sausage
Ghanian pepper sauce: Shitto
Czech laundry detergent: Polio
Japanese towels: Cat Wetty

There are also skyscrapers in Thailand called TIT Tower and PMT Mansion, and a Finnish lock de-icer named Super Piss.

But my absolute favourite has to be an IKEA bed for young kids marketed in Germany. It was called Gutvik.

And what does Gutvik mean in Lederhosenese?

Good fuck.
(JoeyJoeJoeSnrShabadoo - happy now?, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 17:28, 1 reply)

Riding
Way back in the days of yore, I was a young gal of about 14 in the computer room of my school. The whole class had been instructed to type out a page about their hobbies. So far, so boring.

Until the two teachers, upon reading over my friend Karan's shoulder, burst into fits of laughter.

Karan had typed "I love horses, and I love riding them even more." Except she'd left out the first "s" in "horses".

Rofl.
(posage As I turned the corner I felt muscular and compact, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 17:27, 1 reply)

what what (in da butt)
my boss just came in with something and kept saying "what... what".

which kept putting that awful samwell song in my head (i can't do clever linkys, but it's on youtube if you are very bored. and alone in your office).

so i kept thinking "you wanna do it in my butt?" instead of "you wanna charge an additional quarter's service charge?"

which is mildly less entertaining......
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 17:05, 7 replies)

And then I get a job description through the post...
..."you should be ready to work for a line of business in a global enterprise – for example, with lubricants in Downstream"
(croxley, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 17:03, Reply)

Taken at that Guiness place in Dublin.


Some wee scamp making brewing an even more pleasurable experience.

I've also just noticed the cryptic deity reference at the end... what does it mean?
(Fully Goyle what?, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 16:58, Reply)

On discussing favourite swear words...
...many years ago, a friend Cath remarked "I really like 'wank' because it rolls off the tongue"...
(croxley, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 16:55, Reply)

PJM's guide to safe mountain biking.
When taking part in any extreme sport, it's advisable to inspect your equipment and ensure that it's in tip top condition to minimise the risk of breakage and injury whilst on the trails. A negligent rider experiencing a mechanical failure will tell you that there's nothing worse than coming off suddenly and ruining an otherwise excellent ride.

Here's a list of things to look out for on your mountain bike before you take to those gnarly trails.

Gussets and frame damage

A bicycle frame is manufactured from either aluminium, steel or carbon fibre. The weak points of the frame are usually the areas where one tube has been welded to another and is usually the point where fatigue is likely to manifest itself by cracking. Some frames feature small reinforcing gussets to strengthen the joints. Because they're under stress, it's absolutely essential that you make sure that your gusset area is carefully checked for signs of an obvious crack. The gusset helps reinforce the head tube area of your frame and because this particular part of the frame is subject to frequent stress, cracked metal here may be a sign of imminent frame breakage, sudden gusset failure can have extremely messy consequences if you are thrown head first over the handlebars without warning.

Any hint of gusset damage should be taken very seriously before you attempt to swing a leg over the saddle.

Suspension Settings

Suspension forks are usually filled with damping oil which dampens out impacts which would otherwise be felt by the rider. it stands to reason that a buttery smooth stroke action will reward with less strain on the wrists, so careful maintenance will pay dividends. Likewise, making sure that the rebound is controlled will prevent the fork from bouncing repeatedly into your face during a strenuous ride.

Forks themselves are generally robust, depending on the manufacturer but inadequate sealing can mean that oily fork fluid is forced past the fork seals themselves. The tops of the legs should always be checked for signs of dampness before mounting the bike.

If fitted, rear suspension needs attention too. The rear shock is responsible for keeping the wheel in contact with the ground and maintaining traction/braking. The diligent mountain biker will therefore carefully inspect the shaft of the shock before weighting the saddle and pounding it firmly a few times. Although a small amount of fluid leakage at the end of the shaft is perfectly normal if the oil seepage is excessive then your shock may require a rebuild.

Like the forks, the rear shock features rebound adjustment to ensure that the bike does not buck and writhe underneath you too much whilst riding vigorously. You should ensure that your suspension is adjusted so that the saddle isn't pummelling you from behind and throwing you off balance .

Brakes

Your brakes are the most important component of your bike and should be in tip top condition at all times. With hydraulic brakes, fluid forced along a tube is responsible for pressing the brake pads against the rotor and slowing your down. If your bike has stood unused for a length of time, it's worth buying a brake bleeding kit which works by sucking the fluid out of the end of the hose until not a drop is left of the old brake fluid. The brake is then refilled with new brake fluid, pumped a few times until it becomes firmer in your fingers and you're ready to go again.

Wheels

Spoked wheels maintain their strength by virtue of the fact that the wheel is under considerable tension. A tired wheel may well feel disappointingly floppy when you grasp it with both hands and twist it from side to side. A loose wheel is going to buckle sooner or later, but there are remedial actions you can take.

The spoke is joined to the rim by small metal nipple. Extreme caution should be exercised if you should happen across a buckled rim, make sure that you use a high quality nipple tensioner and gently tweak the nipple quarter of a turn at a time. Take it slowly and you'll last the distance with a stronger and more responsive wheel.

Lubrication

Selfishly grinding away without ensuring everything is carefully lubed first is a no-no. The cassette in particular should be oiled so that each of the gears spins smoothly. Check for lubrication by running your finger along the length of the chain. If the residue is dark and gritty, then you'll need to clean the drivetrain and relube everything. Likewise, too much oil attracts dirt and can quickly damage a chain. Tell tale flecks of oil on the frame itself can be a giveaway that you've been overdoing the oiling. Many a time I've seen a considerable amount of lube dripping from the flange between the chainstay and the bottom bracket.

Final preparation

Your clothing should be up to the task too. Always wear a cycle helmet and make sure that your helmet is never dropped or subject to weakening impacts. Some riders use an old pillowcase to cover the helmet with a protective sheath while not in use.

That's the important points covered. Your trusty steed is now ready for the outing so mount her quickly and enjoy an exhilarating ride before you go off the boil.

Enjoy the ride, but try not to take too many risks out there. Only last week I fell off balance and almost forced it into a nearby crevice unexpectedly . It gave me a fright I can tell you! However, I yanked back hard and avoided ending up in the dirt track which headed in the wrong direction.

What?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 16 Jun 2008, 16:53, 17 replies)

you guys need some groupies
after my mates band played their very first gig on sunday, the lead singer exclaimed to us "this is a perfect night. played a great set to a big crowd and now we can all get drunk, go home and have sex". i assume he meant individualy.
(furey, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 16:37, 1 reply)

music innuendo (this is true i swear!)
our school music teacher once gave us some piano music to learn. The following dialogue ensued:

Me: Sir, why have you written numbers underneath the notes?

Mr G: Oh, Yes, well I'll occasionally give you all a fingering from time to time.

we never did get much work done after that.....
(General Arfarfarnarf He who hesitates, Masturbates!, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 16:21, Reply)

I have just this moment finished
proofreading an English translation of a Polish business newsletter, for a colleague.

At one point, she inadvertently used the word 'bargle' as a past part. of 'burgle'.

"What a charming word!" I thought, and was dreaming up meanings for it, Uxbridge stylie, when I decided to google it just in case.

Jesus Hippogobbling Christ on a Sybian!!

My apologies to any chaps for whom this is normal practice, but this had a similar effect on me as the 2Girls1Cup film.

The question is, should I pass this info on to my (female, Polish) colleague?

Quandary time....
( blyerkit e k trilby, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 16:18, Reply)

Bestiality
Discussing www.manchesterpride.com/competitions/pridepooch with a colleague.

She said, "Are you going to enter your dog?"

He's cute but not that cute.
(Fully Goyle what?, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 16:16, Reply)

oh forgot about this( sory if bindun)


(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 15:57, Reply)

a better sporting headline
www.theregister.co.uk/2001/09/11/eurosport_com_scores_headline_profanity/
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 15:55, Reply)

Tiger Woods on being interviewed about his golf game yesterday:
"I played probably two holes outside right. Just take it back and make a pure stroke, because once it starts slowing down there ... you don't know what's going to happen. All I could control is my stroke."
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 15:51, 2 replies)

A fine headline from the BBC
Apologies if a repost: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/7390109.stm
(davywavy, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 15:47, Reply)

Manchester
There's a rub-a-tug shop in Fallowfield which has a sign in the front window reading "Rear entrance now open".

I think they mean a back door...er...a back alley...er...I mean...gosh...er...
(davywavy, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 15:46, 1 reply)

Guitar Hero 2
One of my sisters is called Jessica. The Allman Brothers Band have a song named Jessica which features in Guitar Hero 2 (it's used as The Top Gear theme for those who didn't know but do now). I'd been practicing the song on expert in my bedroom for a few hours like the sad twat that I am. I'd finally taken a break from my twangs and kerplunks of ineptitude and helped my dad get some stuff down from the loft. I'm waiting at the bottom of the ladder when he shouts down conversationally "so have you nailed Jessica yet?". A full 10 seconds of "wtf?" passed before I realised.

Probably says more about my sick mind really.
(Sul, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 15:45, Reply)

My Mate was in his office a few weeks back
he was talking to some of his team mates when a young sexy dressed women approached them an started to chat to them. Behind the women, 2 contractors where trying to work the photocopier but failing miserably hitting and banging the thing to try and get it working, attracting attention by being generally noisy, in the end they gave up and walked out the office.

Shortly after, the sexy women heads back to her desk, when my mate turns to his male colleague and says very loudly

" did you see those pair of tits then?"

(meaning the contractors)

the women shocked gave a horrible stare towards my mate.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 15:41, Reply)

I need TP!

I was wiping down the steel surfaces in a restaurant kitchen, when a female colleague pointed out that I'd missed a spot.

"What! That's bloody clean!" I wailed, sick to the death of the mind-numbing monkey task.

"Clean, my arse!" she responded.

I stared blankly, marveling as the pigment of her skin reddened in harmony with realisation kicking in.

I could only offer a 'Well, bend over then.' to her retreating form as she fled in embarrassment.
( Regger, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 15:28, Reply)

Driving through London with my mate porky...
...and discussing pr0n, and he uttered a line which will forever be burnt into my mind:

"I have to say though, I do like a nice big cock"

I felt my face go slack with shock as I tried to process my good (married with a couple of kids) mate tell me that he was in fact gay.

After what seemed like forever he went on to explain that he meant if the guy in the porn film he was watching had a small cock he felt cheated.

=D
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 15:22, 3 replies)

I had an email from my best friend in reply to the one I'd sent him telling him me and my wife had split up...
"You don't have much luck with women, do you? Have you considered men instead?"

It was quickly followed by another email, saying:

"That was just a suggestion by the way, not a proposition"
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 15:19, 1 reply)

Work-related fun.
Being a lifeguard and working with other similarly immature reprobates there are obviously a lot of innuendos flying about.

The best one that springs to mind, however, was entirely accidental on my part. We often have to dish out plasters to fools who cut themselves on the bottom of the swimming pool (which is apparently very easy but i've never managed). The standard protocol is to clean the wound with an antibacterial swab-thing, labeled "Moist Wipe", before putting on the plaster. Easy.

One very hungover tuesday morning a rather attractive female approached holding up a cut finger and demanding a plaster. "Certainly!" I replied, probably trying to 'get in', "oh and i better give you a moist wipe too."

I was thanked with a slap in the face, and she was thanked by being barred from the swimming pool.

It was funny at the time...
(TheVeryReverend, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 15:16, Reply)

I used to work in a factory with my dad
making confectionary products.

I was doing a small presentation to my new co workers in a meet and greet at a new job.

Everything was going swell until i told them i used to pack fudge with my dad.

It took approx 4 seconds for the penny to drop for me.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 14:59, Reply)

Back in the days...
...of school I remember my mother shouting to me from across the street "It's okay, I got your rubbers!" (as in erasers). That got some pretty strange looks. Cheers mum.
(TheVeryReverend, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 14:58, Reply)

It rained this morning.
My helmet was shiny and dripping when I got into work.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 14:51, 2 replies)

bit off topic
but i did get my very proper nan to play 'fuzzy duck' around the xmas dinner table.

queue 10 muinutes later my drunk nan almost having a heart attack and my 60 yr old dad who, in all his years, never heard her swear run out the room because he was 'going to wee his pants'.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 14:46, Reply)

My lonely hearts ad caused some confusion....
...when I mentioned my love of wind-surfing and free form jazz - I received an enormous array of questionable replies.

My ad read "Male, mid 30s, into water sports and scat".
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 16 Jun 2008, 14:37, 4 replies)

The "Down my trousers" game - bindun?
Any phrase can become innuendo with the "Down my trousers" (US - In my pants) game!

Examples:

Gillette, the best a man can get (down my trousers)

Every little helps (down my trousers)

I can see the problem with the 65mm shaft (down my trousers)
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 14:36, 4 replies)

PE teacher
There is a set up here, all true, which explaings the note...

When messing about with me sister, we decided to see how many stairs we could jump down. i regularly didn't use the bottom 4 stairs on the way down and decide that 6 steps (out of 13) was pretty decent. So did it a few times until i landed with al the skill of Les Dennis on the Games. Flat footed and really badly bruised both feet. i couldn't walk without walking on the bruises.

Come PE day, there was no way i could play rugby ( called that but really was lots of cross country running in the rain ).
At last, a legit reason for a note. Mum dutifully writes one and puts in an envelope.

I hand in the note. He moans and walks off and i set about the 1 hour 20 minutes of double PE and the skiving in the warm with applomb. About half hour in he comes over to me pissing himself laughing and asking if i was lying? I said no my feet really hurt. He then probed deeper, and enquired exactly how i did such damage to myself? i explained i jumped down the stairs, and he just said "well how the f*ck did you hurt your testicles then?"

I was confused. Really confused and started to get a bit scared. I stated again i jumped down the stairs and landed heavy.

I then thought to ask to see the note. Well done mum.

" Dear Mr Davies. Barry cannot do PE today as he has jumped down the stairs and hurt his balls and heels of his feet."

Mum 1, Grammar Fairies 0
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Mon 16 Jun 2008, 14:28, 3 replies)