Accidental innuendo
A couple of years ago we from the local fire station decided to go out and get some dodgy takeaway for lunch. I decided on a Subway sandwich from the local shopping centre, and was standing at the counter trying to decide when the young girl behind the counter asked me if I had decided what I wanted. I couldn't decide whether I wanted a 6 or 12 inch roll, so, I asked her "If she ever found that 6 inches wasn't enough, but 12 inches was too much."
(Firemansam, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 13:56, 1 reply)

Pizza
In my first year of uni, when I was living with the five twats from hell, and we were all still in the cosy getting-to-know-you stage, we often used to order food in on a Friday night, and one night it was down to me and the three boys to get everything in because Fat Katie and Stupid Faye were on another detox diet or something. Browsing the menus and deciding what we wanted, the boys opted for 12" pizzas and moved the conversation on without me noticing.

This is why about five minutes later I mused "yes, I could manage nine inches", which caused the three boys to erupt at first in giggles and then in disgust at the idea of their "weird" housemate getting sexy tiem from something that lengthful (or at all).

They continued to make jokes about it till the end of the year, especially as one of them was prone to taking jokes way too far and making increasingly disgusting additions to the story.
( Maladicta, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 13:43, 10 replies)

Knobs and Knockers.
This is a real company:

www.knobsandknockers.ie/Home/Home_Page/index.html
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 13:32, 4 replies)

You want to do WHAT??
Not so long back I was working on a production where the load-in had been crap, the venue was shit, we were under-staffed, it was turning into the job from Hell. We worked through the night and as the appointed show-time neared, everyone was mucking in, taping cables down and tidying up.

I was on hands and knees picking up rubbish and debris from the stage, dumping it into a large cardboard box, when the agitated client decided to show some solidarity and piled in with a dustpan and brush.

After a couple of minutes, she had filled the dustpan, and came over to where I was, head down and arse in the air :

"Can I put this in your dirtbox?" she trilled.

Bearing in mind we were literally minutes from the show call, and the client was extremely snooty, I bit my lip. Hard.

In slo-mo, I could see my boss' face pop up over her shoulder with a look of horror, he knew I wouldn't be able to resist that one. However, difficult though it was, I was in control, by a hair's breadth.

Then I heard from behind me a loud rasping from a colleague who had also realised the folly of laughing at the client, and was so clenched up he had farted.

The floodgates opened, both of us collapsed, and the boss had to whisk the bewildered client away. He told her we were delirious from lack of sleep!
(Rsoles, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 13:31, 4 replies)

My girlfriend
has a lovely pair of tits.


(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 13:29, 4 replies)

I was talking to my friend on MSN
and asking him if he could give me a lift to East Grinstead later on in the week. He worked out he couldn't so I said "Never ming, I'm sure I can cope with the trains even if I moan about it". His reply? "I'll put up with your moaning and not complain".
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 13:28, Reply)

Oh, does he now?



Hope it hasn't bindun.
(Oben, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 13:22, 1 reply)

Making my sandwich today.
And making sure that the chicken tikka was spread over every bit of the bread so that my lunch wasn't uneven. At that point after watching me for several minutes my Dad exclaimed "You're so fucking anal!"

I was offended to say the least, I was only making a sandwich there was no need to say that I was involved in some kind of sex act.
(RDFCRob Please God let Obama win!, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 13:20, Reply)

You haven't heard of Linford Christie in Malaysia then?
While at Uni, I was in my final year, and having done a placement year the year before, hardly knew anyone in one of my classes. There's a group project, and I end up working with a guy from London, a girl from Hong Kong and another from Malaysia. We would often meet in the cafeteria thing, and I had a lunchbox of food with me (the cafeteria food was pretty horrendous).
So, one group meeting, out comes the lunchbox for me to get at my sarnies, and the Malaysian girl said: "Vince, that's such a big lunchbox!" Cue me and (tall black) London bloke, lolling all over the shop, maybe even a few rolfmayos as well.
As the tears were drying out, she looks at us in all innocence and asks why we're laughing. We had to explain, in detail, the other meaning of the word lunchbox. Cue then much asian girl giggling, and they didn't look at me in the same way again.....

Another I've just remembered - while on a cadet camp one year, we were in tents as opposed to billets (always nice on a flying station!). On the orientation, the officer showing everone around said: "Girls, remember to keep your flaps shut after dark!". The poor bloke didn't realise he was talking to the dirtiest squadron in the wing.....

(that's my head over the parapet for long enough, lurky time again).

Knob joke: Insert yours here (oo-err)
(vinny, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 13:19, Reply)

My mother
is not really cut out for the modern world. I once had to expain to her what "bisexual" meant, she was horrified and rather confused as to how people could "like both".

Anyway, my ma is a teacher, and she once attended a meeting at another school. It was lunchtime and all the teachers were already assembled in the staff room. In comes my mother, who says to a tall muscular black man sitting next to her "Oh my goodness, what a big lunchbox!" An awkward silence follows, the other teachers stare in disbelief and lunchbox man looks downright offended.

Over dinner that evening, she casually asks me if "lunchbox" means something else other than a sandwich container, and tells me the above tale. Needless to say, she is still mortified to this day.
(trickbaby, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 13:08, Reply)

Never had it fried
Just got back from Thailand, dontcha know. Amused to see, on the room serivec menu of my hotel, the delicious sounding 'Stir-fried morning glory.' Mmmmm.
(Mandroid, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 12:12, 1 reply)

I have 2
i) Mother-in-law at a swish bank reception (and not your local NatWest - rhymes with hoots). Proclaimed someone to be a complete Wanker. She honestly thought it was a term used to say somthing was pants, based on the fact that a rotary (wankel) engine is rubbish.

ii) Mum and Dads party when I was mid-teens. Next door neighbours are there (him, building society manager called Robert (not Bob, Robert), Buddy holly glasses, very stiff. Her proto-MILF primaryteacher. Their young son was playing up, so the telly was put on to occupy him. Programme was some sort of David Attenborough bollocks showing a great big whale. 'Robert' says: 'Look, Michael, that great big whale just feeds on orgasms off the sea floor'
(Captain Dispensible, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 12:12, 1 reply)

The Rainbow Effect.
Not so much Accidental, but hey...

Back story, part one. I'm sure everyone has seen the rainbow vid where they go on about twangers, and playing with your friends ball. I used those lines on a few on my friends.

Back story, part two. A few friend and I were sitting in one of my female friends garden, eating a varity of food items. Her dad walks in and starts talking to her. I'm not really paying notice until I hear "Dante will tell you about the birds and the bees" Everyone looks at me. I then comment with, *picking up a pencil* a man has a long thing like this, *picking up a donut with the other hand* and a woman has a hole like this. I then simulate the act with the both items. Result she can't eat donuts ever again.

Real story. Year and a bit later. We was at a small football game thing, and they had buffet thing while you watch the game. My friend, who I had to explain the BatB too, and myself were picking out our food.

Her: *as she is picking up a banana* I'll have to have this because I can't eat donuts thanks to you.
Me *laughting to myself, because I knew she would be too weedy to open the banana if she got embarrassed. I had a plan*

We went back to our table with the rest of our friends; and I waited for her to struggle. Just as she picks it up, I comment about the donuts on the buffet, and everyone starts laughing. She gets embarrassed, she throws the banana at me. Activating plan.

Her: I can't open this you do it.
Me: Hey has any of you she that video about rainbow with all the innendos. My favourite one has to be Zippy and the banana.

I then do the one skin, two skin, etc. She didn't want it afterwards.

Length? after two yearsShe still can't eat Bananas, or Donuts to this day.
(Dante licked your nipple on, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 12:08, Reply)

BIt of a French Language mixup...
Was sat in a nice café in Marseille looking at the menu when I exclaim to my French friend "J'aime la Moule" at which point she stared at me with a look of horror on her face her face before breaking down in hysterical laughter...

Anyway, took a little while for me to get to the bottom of it but she finally explained to me (while wiping tears out of her eyes) that, in France a euphemism for 'teh lady bits' is Moule (mussel) and so if you are going to exclaim something like that in public it is best to make sure you always say 'mussels and chips' (moule et frit) less there be some kind of unfortunate misunderstanding...
( weekendsession, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 11:53, 3 replies)

MSN Status
Got into work this morning, logged into MSN, and a friend's status line informed me that 'Jim Davis is loving himself at the moment'. He only sits a few desks away from me. Gaaaah.
( the_other_jeff_lebowski Croutons on my tits, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 11:43, 21 replies)

Can't believe I'd forgotten this until now...
My form tutor in Years 10 and 11 was the most anally retentive bitch I have ever had the displeasure of dealing with. She realy looked the part of an uptight teacher as well - huge glasses, blouses buttoned up to the neck - as if she'd never had an orgasm.

As well as being the head of RE (infamous for making kids meditate in her lessons) she was the head of health education, but was uncharacteristically disorganised about it, making members of her form do lowly admin tasks for her. Cow. Anyway, one lunchtime she cornered me and gave me an important task - sorting a load of jumbled up STD leaflets into piles. I'd been working on this for a while, when she came up to me and uttered the immortal line, "I've got herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphillis. What have you got?"

I couldn't help laughing like a maniac at this and said, "I haven't got anything, I'm not that sort of girl!" thinking that of course, she couldn't fail to see the funny side of it. Wrong! After being stared at inomprehensibly for several seconds it dawned on me that she actually had No Frickin' Idea what she'd just said. Her sense of humour must have been surgically removed along with her personality.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 11:43, 2 replies)

I feel this QOTW
may have peaked to early,

having read every innuendo in the book over the last few days i fear the next two days will just be a barrage of 'binduns' or 'off topics'

*Groans coz works is very slow at the mo*

:(

*types 'innuendo' into google for inspiration*
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 11:32, Reply)

the football tonight
The Dutch go into the match at the Stade de Suisse Wankdorf with the luxury of knowing they have already secured top spot in the so-called 'group of death'


i would like to get wankd orf as well
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 11:26, 3 replies)

I have the builders in.
"A bit more length, Dave! Is that as far as it'll go?"

"Ah fuck, you've split it!"
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 11:26, Reply)

Intentional on their part, I'm sure...
I used to work for the NHS part time in the Medical Records department. My job mainly consisted of filing and the like, but also collecting patient records for Outpatients and Theatres.

The hospital had one consultant who I fervently hope never gets his hands on me. His name?

Dr. De'ath.

It gets better though - the Staff Nurse who is in charge of hs ward is called Nurse Freake.

Dr. De'ath and Nurse Freake? No thank you!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 11:06, 10 replies)

Heard last night
Colleague telling someone else about his game of golf...

"I did pretty well, but I did have one shitty hole"
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 10:53, Reply)

Accidental? Wind-up bastard morelike
Me mum went to a Parents/Teachers night in me old school one year, and after seeing other teachers and being happy with the praise of a quiet intelligent lad we are led to my Biology teacher called Mr Mainwaring. Me man and I sit down opposite him and after a quick discussion of what grade I got he says "You see, your son's main problem is that he locks himself in his room at night and plays with himself."
Me mam immmediately shouts "I BEG YOUR PARDON???!?!?" just as Mainwaring answers "He's always on computers isn't he?"
"Oh...errrm, I suppose so...."
Wind-up twunt.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 10:50, Reply)

Quick (and dirty)...
Working as a temp in a long-since-taken-over building society back office. One of the permanents is on the phone to a customer when her computer crashes.

"Oh, the computer has just gone down on me!" - cue stunned silence, muffled laughter, hysterical laughter and the phone being slammed down...
(McVitie, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 10:49, Reply)

french innuendeux
i went to an all boys school and back in the days of GCSE french my petite tutor was throwing one of those spongey footballs about the classroom.

She'd ask a question in francais then chuck the ball at someone randomly, that person would have to answer the question in french(meaning only that person could speak)... first few times, went smoothly, then chatter began between the class...getting louder and louder...and she shouted..."there must be a lot of balls in this class room"

she was mortified and had to leave the room. :D
(intellectualmoron, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 10:22, 1 reply)

Tennis
When I was younger, my mate and his dad used to run a Sunday Morning Tennis coaching session for under 18's. One of the girls was standing at the net looking totally unprepared for the point, to which my mates dad says, "Come on Katie, legs apart, racquet up"..

None of the kids had a clue why my mate and I were pissing ourselves with laughter.
( glubglub should be working on, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 10:18, 1 reply)

Shakes and ladders...
The warehouse at my work is a Health & Safety nightmare mainly due to the 35 foot of racking either side of the warehouse and no forklift on site meaning that ladders have to be used to get to anything.. our ladders however are only 30 feet tall and so to get to the top rack involves climbing... and as we don't feel the need to adhere to health and safety laws, most of the time employees use these ladders whilst alone the warehouse...

Que last Wednesday when I hear a large metallic crash and a very loud shout coming from the warehouse.. running out of my office door I am presented with the sight of one of our trusted employees dangling 35 foot in air from the top rack, his ladder laying down on the floor.. I then head straight into action mode, run to underneath him and shout the immortal words..

"JUST HOLD TIGHT DAN! I'LL GET IT BACK UP BUT I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO SLOWLY LOWER YOURSELF ONTO IT"

You've never lived until you see a middle aged man dangling and holding on for dear life whilst giggling like a prepubescent school boy... and I wasn't much better.. once it hit me.. lifting the ladder suddenly became a huge task...(o-er obviously)...
(nothing-is-forever ...What happens in Hull, stays in Hull..., Tue 17 Jun 2008, 10:07, 2 replies)

Forgot this.
For obvious reasons, Coke is hard to find in Iran. Instead, there's a home-grown alternative. It's really not all that bad.

It's called Arso Cola.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 10:02, 1 reply)

My boss again
He's infamous amongst my friends for his comedy but totally inappropriate one liners, but yesterday he managed an excellent one...

Was asking me about my pets.

'So what do you have, now?'
'Oh just a cat - the other one died last week'
'No rats? I thought you had rats?'
'No, they died ages ago'
'Oh that's a shame, I always wanted to see your rat'

o_O

I then had the delightful task of explaining precisely why I spent the next 5 minutes trying not to wet myself.....
(Beklet is inexplicably angry, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 9:55, Reply)

mate at work
was trying to get her outlook to 'send and recieve'

at which point she shouts out in anger...

"my box just isnt refreshing"

hmm, try using vagisil?
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 9:36, 1 reply)

Not me but a friend
Was out in Japan and was at a formal meal with students and teachers.

As the night wore on she was chatting to the students who were asking her to say cheers in different ways so she starts off simple with:

Cheers
Bottoms Up

and other such ones and then says:
Chin Chin

The whole room falls silent, apparently, at this formal meal she'd just said penis, quite loudly...

Not sure if this is true as my Japanese extends to very basic stuff such as hello and thank you but can someone confirm?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 17 Jun 2008, 9:26, 5 replies)