A while ago
on holiday I was ambling past a dojo when I heard what could only be described as insane Morris dancing, with lots of jangling and clunking of wood.

(im going to crash on, even though the punchline rumbles towards us like the portable midnight that is a morbidly obese goth)

I stopped at the rice paper wall to listen to this noise but leaned too far forward and crashed through the wall onto the floor.

Rolling over to be confronted by two armoured warriors gripping big poles i blurted out

"im sorry, i seem to be accidentally in your Kendo"

gets coat, opens tent flaps (arf) "im just stepping outside, I may be some time"
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 13:16, 3 replies)

Work based cracks...
Was out having a cig outside work (a Uni) last week with a colleague when another walked past and shouted that they'd missed her message about some signage. She yelled without thinking "It's ok, I've stuck it up myself with Blu-tac". The realisation took all of three seconds to kick in, whilst I and a good number of students sniggered.
(badgermonkey007, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 13:13, Reply)

Subway = Mirth
Anytime I go into my local Subway shop, I give my order to the very pretty Polish girl working behind the counter. Leaving out the size of the sandwich encourages her to ask (everytime, never gets dull!) "Is that a 6" or a footlong?" at which point I reply with a grin on my face "We'll I don't like to brag!". Much hilarity ensues, I should get out more often.
(Krizla6.9, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 13:10, Reply)

Moving swiftly on from innuendo....
Can we have next weeks Q along the lines of chinese whispers and spoonerisms?
Much more scope I reckon..
Fork handles a go go...
(Countryslicker, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 13:08, 2 replies)

John goes to the off-license
No more of these - I promise!


Today, John is going to the village off-license because Janet has had 'one of those days' at work and has run out of cream sherry.

Janet gives John the money and tells him not to talk to any strange women.

See John skip down the road.

The off license is next door to the Hare and Hounds pub.

John is not allowed to go into the pub. Do you know what barred means? John does.

'Ring-ring' goes the shop bell.

See Mrs. Davies behind the counter. Mrs. Davies is from Wales. See the consonants.

Mrs. Davies is looking for something.

"Hello Mrs. Davies", says John.

"Hello John", says Mrs Davies.

"Have you lost something?", says John.

"Yes", says Mrs. Davies, "It's a piece from an old wooden chess-set. I can't find it anywhere, and it's an antique. I've been looking for weeks. Anyway, what would you like today John?"

John says, "I'd like a bottle of dry sherry please".

See John give Mrs. Davies the money, and put the change in his pocket.

"Thank you Mrs. Davies", says John.

See John start to skip home.

John has not gone far when he remember that he should have asked for cream sherry, not dry. Silly John.

See John run back to the off-license. "I'm sorry Mrs. Davies", says John, "I asked you for the wrong sherry. Could I have a bottle of cream sherry instead?"

"Of course", says Mrs. Davies. "Perhaps you can help me? Mrs. Bickerdyke told me that you are very good with your hands. Could you make me another chess piece? I would be ever so grateful".

See Mrs. Davies give John a chess-piece. "Yes", says John, "I can make one of these". John knows what a spokeshave is. Clever John.

John says, "I don't play chess much, but I do like a game of cards".

"So do I", says Mrs. Davies, "Next time you're passing, call in for a drink and a game of seven-card-stud in the lounge-bar".

"Goodbye Mrs. Davies", says John. "Goodbye John, and thank you", says Mrs. Davies. What fun!

John skips home to see Janet. Janet is waiting on the doorstep. See Janet take two or three big mouthfulls from the sherry. Thirsty Janet.

"Sorry I was so long", says John. "Mrs. Davies asked me to copy this pawn for her when she gave me some cream for the dry sack. Mrs. Bickerdyke told her that if she was short of a piece, that I had no trouble getting wood, and she said that next time I'm passing I should call in for a drink and Poker in the snug."

See sherry come out of Janet's nose.

Do you know how to pull someone through a letter-box by their beard?

Janet does. Poor John.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 18 Jun 2008, 12:53, 8 replies)

erm
the initials of my name.

A.R.S.

Esquire
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 12:47, Reply)

Innuendo Lolcat visual pun

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 12:28, 3 replies)

Footy Fun
Back in the day, when I was making my debut for the football team I was playing with, I informed our manager that I wasn't 100% fit. He replied, "That's okay, Seeing as it's your first game I will probably pull you off at half time".

Which beats a slice of orange any day of the week.
(Kia Ora it's 2 orangey 4 crows, it's just 4 me and my dog, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 12:20, 3 replies)

Collected Footballisms
Sliding in from behind
Handling in the box
Dribbling around the area
Jostling for the ball..
Going in hard
Putting long ones down the wings
An athletic lunge before going in deep and probing for weaknesses
The big one up front
Shooting straight in to the keepers hands.
Heads up for the big punt over the top
Squeezing one in from a tight angle
Hammering one home from the edge of the box.

Feel free to add.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Wed 18 Jun 2008, 12:08, 8 replies)

Not sexual, but still an innuendo
It was another German lesson, and another opportunity to see how far I could push Ling with the morbid curiosity of wanting to know what it's like to just see someone- SNAP. Cruel, yes, but to a bored child with a 'friend' whose overreactions and feeble comebacks were legendary, it was a pasttime with great appeal.

We'd spent the lesson applying the old favourite:

Teacher: (following half a lessons worth of telling us what we had to do) "Now, does anyone have any questions?"
(I put my hand up)
Teacher: "Yes?"
Me: "Sir, Ling doesn't understand."

Queue a classroom of kids cracking up as a seething Ling goes "NO! I DO understand, actually!". Ah Ling, if only you realised you were just making it funnier.

As the buzzer rang to signify the end of the lesson and we started packing our books and pencil cases away, I'd reached over and tapped on the opposing shoulder of Ling one too many times and, well, he snapped. His eyes were bulging, his frame was shaking and he shouted out

"WERE YOU BORN CHILDISH!?".

Despite his obvious stress levels, I still couldn't resist pointing out that being born, as a child and being child like, or childish if you will was actually quite a natural occurance.

For weeks after all it took was some old-man Daily Mail speak in a baby voice to kick him off again, but as weeks became months, the phrase "were you born childish?" was enough of a retort to trump anything Ling said.

Poor Ling, I was such a bastard on reflection.
( ma0sm, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 12:01, Reply)

OSR
OSR for those not in the agricultural community is short for Oil Seed Rape - the yellow flowered crop you see in the fields from about March onwards in the UK. It often causes hayfever when in flower and as the pods set afterwards and the plant begins to die back it can smell of cabbages.

Anyway, enough of all that....

Rape

A couple of years back when I lived on the farm our agronomist (the expert chappie who would tell us what to do with the crops to increase yield and so on) came to visit every few weeks to check on things in the fields.

One week he couldn't make it out to us so rescheduled the visit for the following week.
Coincidentally that was the highlight of the week - it's not all exciting like The Archers you know....

When he eventually visited he told us he had managed to embarrass himself in the local town the previous day.

How? We asked.

"Thought I saw you." He said.

He'd walked up to a man, clapped him on the back and boomed out,

"So, how's the rape going?"

Except it wasn't a farmer he said this to....it was a normal person.


But at least it wasn't as embarrassing as the time he was caught with the sheep in his Travellodge room.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 11:58, 8 replies)

A difficult decision...
One of the guys in my office has to give a talk next week on his work. Jokingly, he suggested people might pay more attention if he came up with a swish acronym for what he was studying. He's studying Carbon Dioxide Concentrations.

I of course explained to him the connotations of such initials. Now, fellow b3tans, since the devil on my left shoulder has distracted the angel on my right with bubble wrap, I ask you: should he consistently and repeatedly use this abbreviation in his talk, eliciting sniggers only from the other b3tans who might be secreted in the room?
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 11:54, 10 replies)

I've just been out food shopping with a normally very straight laced male friend of mine who has a partner of 12 years called Michael,
I was buying Bananas and he informed me (without any intention of double entendre I swear) that the last time he got some bananas from the market, 'I'd never seen such big ones in me life, and now whenever I give Michael one for his lunchbreak he tells me when he gets it out in front of all his work mates they keep commenting upon this huge banana, and sometimes it's so big I can't even get the bloody thing into his lunchbox!'

It was made doubly funny that he evidently had no idea what he'd just said till I creased up in the middle of the supermarket, and then we could both hardly stand for about 10 minutes, with all these perplexed shoppers wandering by, while we had a proper Carry On moment of delivering more innuendos to one another about it in Kenneth Williams style voices and such...

Ooh Matron, take them away!

I of course, immediately thought of you lot!

*still sniggering...*
( ..wil, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 11:20, Reply)

ENGLAND RUGBY STARS FACE NZ PROBE
The BBC are at it again.
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7460362.stm
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 11:10, 1 reply)

On th subject of Spoonerisms
Let;s hope the offspring of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie never suffers the dreaded Spoonerism for they are called:
Shiloh Pitt...

Poor kid
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 11:05, 2 replies)

Enough about your hobbies.......
Many years ago, Wellington used to host a street car race in the summer. As the event grew they included a celebrity race - some of the national sporting heroes, minor A&B list celebs, and even our fat Prime Minister racing each other in Ford Lasers!
The best line ever was from Sportscaster Peter Williams who was mic-ed up in his car - this is before racecams - who was at that time being tailgated by a famous NZ musician.
When asked how it was going by the race commentator, Peter replied enthusiastically:
"As you can see I've got Dave Dobbyn right up my backside!!"

Length? About 3 inches between front and rear bumpers....
(Sebulba continues to fight evil with evil....., Wed 18 Jun 2008, 11:00, Reply)

rigging in the entertainment industry
Quite often up high , in the dark , trying to create erections that will impress , frequently having to shout ' Is it in yet ? Can you find the hole ? Try waggling it then putting it in ' Oh what a laugh we have
(happyjoy last changed sig on, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 10:41, 2 replies)

A winning CV
A Japanese friend of mine had updated her CV so as to apply for a job as a model maker with a design firm.

She has a wealth of experience in related fields and was keen to draw her potential employers' attention to her manual dexterity. Unfortunately she described herself as being very good at hand jobs.

As one of her referees I could only concur.
(infantile disorder, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 10:33, Reply)

Yey, literally happened 5 minutes ago
Walking through fixing a customer's email issue with the customer on the other end of the phone.

She says "Sorry I'm typing so loud, my son's made the keyboard all sticky."
"Oh....errrmm..."
She then panic-shouts "Oh god no, he's only 6!!!"

...and we proceed to laugh throughout the entire call. Excellent, start 'em early.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 10:26, Reply)

Accidental Spoonerism rather than Innuendo
When i used to work with children i was playing a game with a group of 3/4 year olds. I wanted them to close their eyes so asked them to 'keep your eyes tut shite'!!

Thankfully none of them noticed
('O' She's my rolemodel!, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 10:23, 2 replies)

This one time, at band camp!
We were setting up for a gig, psyching ourselves up with some Tenacious D style clichés, when suddenly our guitarist pipes up with this beauty: "yeah! Lets fuckin' stick it in a man!"

The show was shocking, on account of our unrelenting laughter.
(ShitBitch, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 10:15, Reply)

I used to work in Chicago
Before we all get very bored, and before rachelswipe's Wednesday starts to drag too much, I think it may be time for a fresh free-for-all of a thread. Much as I loathe the mentality of uni/college sports teams, I must concede that they are expert peddlers of puerile innuendo, and I did pick this one up from one such collective:

I used to work in Chicago,
An old department store,
I used to work in Chicago,
I don't work there any more

A lady came into the store the other day and asked for a Kit-Kat.
A Kit-Kat from the store?
A Kit she wanted - four fingers she got!
I don't work there any more...

...

A lady came into the store and asked for a German form of coal extraction.
A German form of coal extraction from the store?
A German form of coal extraction she wanted - Mein Shaft she got!
I don't work there any more...

And so on. You get the idea. Feel free to add your own. Or, feel free to ignore this post if you think the idea is pointless and entirely twattish.
Apologies for length, I just thought I'd try and inject a bit of life into what is shaping up to be a very dreary Wednesday for me.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 10:05, 8 replies)

Rings...
The extremely camp deputy head at my alma mater did not cope well with the school changing from a boys grammar school to a co-ed comp, but it did facilitate this assembly announcement:

'Ear rings are not permitted, but finger rings are'.

Collapse of the entire upper year groups.

Oh yes, and 'pop'.
(Jack of Diamonds, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 10:03, Reply)

Chinese bakeries
A couple of years ago, I went on a business trip to Taiyuan, China, where I was hoping to secure a very lucrative deal with a company called Yuen Bakeries. Everything seemed to be going extremely well, until we were invited to inspect the impressive machinery. As I was leaning over to peer into one of their large mixing machines, I lost my balance and toppled right in.

No harm was done, as the machinery was switched off, but it was very embarrassing being an Occidental in Yuen dough.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 9:55, 7 replies)

long ago
back in the prehistoric era when i was at school, or the 1990's as we called it then, and a loooong time before the legalisation of gay marriage, two teachers at my school enjoyed weddings over the summer holidays. one to an ex-pupil, the other, less scurrilously, to his long term girlfriend.

nothing odd or funny about that. i agree. but it was rather odd and very funny when the terribly posh, fierce headmaster stood up in assembly, formal black robes billowing around his tall frame, and barked imperiously:

"and let's all congratulate mr french and dr chemistry, who got married over the summer."

he literally could not understand why everyone dissolved. we also had a proctor, who used to baffle us all by saying at the end of every assembly:

"in a moment i shall ask you all to stand. please stand."

pointless, pointless, pointless.

much like this post, really. ah well. i fucking hate wednesdays, they always drag...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 9:54, 13 replies)

I couldn't play football with my peers
At my school, there had been some problems with kids playing football, basketball and tennis in the same yard at the same time. A couple of people got injured by getting a basketball in the face when they were trying to return a serve.

This ended up with the headteacher making an announcement in assembly along the lines that: "Any boys who have big balls should congregate in the top yard, whilst those with smaller balls should play in the field. People without balls may stay indoors". It was a dream come true for the 11 year olds amongst us.
( Norbert Lightowler, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 9:35, Reply)

oops
When i first started high school it was an all boys school however they changed things and the 6th and 7th forms were to be mixed and a whole new senior college set up. The year i was in the 6th form was the first year for girls to attend our school and the first year of the shiney new senior college.

To try and get across the idea that we were now young adults and diffrent to the rest of the school they changed a few things. Uniform options , class options etc , but most importantly a new type of discipline.

Instead of a normal detention you now got a detention where you could do your homework and ask teachers questions if you wernt sure of something. These were proudly named Study Tutorial Detentions. Or as they were refered to in official school publications STD's.

spot the fuck up?

So when the detention list was read out it went something like this " Sally Jones has been given an STD by mr jones"

Can you immagine the schools laughter and not just from the pupils either.
Unsurprisingly STDs only lasted one term before they found a new name for them.
(welgar, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 9:17, 1 reply)

London to Brighton
A friend of mine who is of the homosexual persuasion recently completed the London to Brighton bike ride. Me and Mrs Elegante met him for a pint last night...

Mrs E: So Paul, been up to anything exciting lately?
Paul: Yeah, I did the London to Brighton cycle last weekend.
Mrs E: Wow! You must have such a sore bum!

Hilarity, of course, ensued (from me at least, they thought my sniggers were both immature and insensitive.)
(Chester Elegante ........ladies., Wed 18 Jun 2008, 8:42, 1 reply)

No animals were harmed...
(Reposted, but it was a while ago, and it's even more relevant here than the last time if that helps?)
...my faux pas was just down to stupidity. Bear with me, it is worth it...
Before cars in the UK all had Catalytic Converters I had heard one imported from the USA which had a very broken "cat" fitted to it. It made a very distinctive rattling noise.
Fast forward a few years and cats have recently been made compulsory in the UK, and I wander into the workshop of the Saab garage where I worked one morning and all the staff are gathered around a customer's car which is making a familiar (but only to me) noise. They're all scratching their heads and looking a little lost. Before my brain has a chance to take control my mouth has blurted out a phrase that it obviously thought had the right balance of technical knowledge and nonchalence, "haven't you lot heard a cat when it's fucked?" (About 18 months if you're wondering).
( A Lurker jacked up on B3ta on, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 8:34, Reply)