Must've Osama Bin Dun
A large but local independent hostilerly of the family variety in my home town, got taken over a couple of years ago by the treat that is known as Harvester pub chain...

They did their usual, replacing home cooked meals with microwave crap, getting rid of the authentic old shit nailed to the walls to purchase shinnerier newer but faker pub tat...to nail to the walls.

After a while they realised that their make-over and trippling of prices possibly wasn't attracting enough of the old custom back...

So they erected a large stand sign on the side of the road -

'Get a Spit Roast on Sunday - £12.95'

How I chuckled every time...
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 12:17, Reply)

Sexual Harassment?
Working at a different bank several years back, the women I worked with were crowding round the windows watching the fire brigade at work on the building over the road.

"It's a disgrace", I tutted.

"Why?" asked my friend Amanda.

"All you women - you just like ogling men with big shiny helmets...."

It took a while for the penny to drop.


[Mind you, we're still friends 13 years later]
(Steve The Monkey, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 12:16, Reply)

reminded me off
Downhill without brakes reminded me of a song that was popular in the Carribean a few years back.

The lyrics of the song explain how a young poultry farmer lost his prize hen and cockerel and goes searching for them. He asks people along the way....
If you see my birds "please hold my cock and pullet"
(bugboybeast, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 12:08, Reply)

The joys of Rowing
Row as in boat, not as in fistycuffs.

Actually I don't think any of this counts as accidental, seeing as we know perfectly well what we're doing.
But if you've been doing it long enough you generally don't notice the dodgy sayings and instructions that come out of the cox's mouth...

Rhythm & Length are the main amusing utterences. But also we have do a lot of strokes, and I myself have stroked a boat on a number of occasions.
So a good stroke with nice long length and rhythm is pretty much what you're after.

And of course boat transportation involves using strapping the boat to a trailer. Hence the last few months of schoolboyesque giggling "Let's get the strap on!"
Oh how we laugh.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 12:05, 2 replies)

isn't
there a place near bristol called wooky hole?

snigger.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 11:51, 11 replies)

Off topic.
I was driving past Cambridge yesterday and I came accross a village called 'Lolworth'.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 11:35, 4 replies)

Just remembered another one (first 2 posts in 1 QOTW)
I was at my ex's house a few years ago, when I had my motorbike, sitting in her lounge with my helmet next to me.

In walks her little brother (prob about 7) looks straight at me and utters "Benny you have a really big helmet"

Oh how we laughed
( P, Benny P, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 11:15, Reply)

Lorry drivers
Working in a warehouse means there is never a shortage of innuendo here, especially from the lorry drivers. Heard this morning alone include

"Yeah, whatever mate, i'm in your hands."
"Can't you take it round the back"
"Can you get someone to pull me off?"
(AQ, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 11:10, Reply)

I absolutely promise that this is true!
A couple of years ago Mrs Downhill decided she wanted to keep a few chickens - Pekins and Bantams - as they would be nice pets and we could eat their eggs. Anyway, I'm married to her so I couldn't say no.

We found a group of black Pekin hens and a cockerel, which we duly bought and installed in an enclosure here at Downhill Towers. All was well (apart from the cockerel crowing at silly o'clock every morning) until one day when the kids opened the enclosure to get a better look at the pets. Of course, once they'd got bored of them, they left..leaving the gate open so all the chickens escaped.

Because Mrs DWB is a soft hearted sort, she'd been cuddling and handling the chickens, so rounding up the hens was easy - the cockerel was, however, fond of his new freedom..he gave it toes and disappeared into the mist. Mrs DWB wasn't happy and went to look for it around all the neighbours' gardens. She eventually found the escapee and returned it to captivity where it lived for another couple of weeks before the fox found it and ate it.

Anyway, the day after the chicken was returned I heard the neighbours sniggering and laughing - not unusual as all of our neighbours are great friends and often share jokes - so I popped my head over the fence to see what the joke was. It turned out that My beloved wife had gone to my neighbour and told him that "I'm looking for a black cock, about 'so high' [imagine her indicating about 8 inches high with her hands]. I had it earlier but it slipped out of my hands and now I can't find it...maybe it's in your back? The kids want it, too, so I can't go home without it"

She hadn't realised how it sounded until I told her...still makes me laugh now...
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 9:54, Reply)

I wish...
Just the other day, Mrs Crackerjack was trying to squeeze a spot on my back - something I didn't want her to do, due to the pain involved.

"But if you leave it, I won't be able to come near you in bed, in case it pops all over my face", quoth she.

I had to explain why I was giggling like a schoolboy. Bless her.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 7:25, Reply)

gay kittens
i recently got two new kittens, and being a little unsure of their surroundings they hid in the closet the first few days. i was outside having a cigarette and my roommate came out and asked, 'how are the kittens?' i replied, 'they're fine but they won't come out of the closet.' now he feels very sorry for the poor gay kitties who can't accept their sexual orientation.
(arcadia179, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 5:52, Reply)

probably too late,
but a repost from years back:

My ex

I was round at her house when we were younger, about 17, and knowing both of us were knackered from exams etc. brought round some energy drink. Lola*, being lazier than I, told me to go and get the glasses from her kitchen. So I went up and encountered her mum:

Me: Hi Anne, erm, where are your glasses?

Anne: Oh hi Lannes, right there, are you wanting a drink of something?

Me: No, it's ok I brought round an energy drink, Lola's terrible, all she does is lie there!

Cue Anne looking a bit embarassed and leaving, me not knowing why (I was tired also remember).

Once getting down to Lola's room I realised what I had said. Needless to say it was rather awkward the next few times I encountered them.
(Lannes, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 4:27, Reply)

Two brilliant ones
My ex stomped in to the living room one beer soaked afternoon as I was watching the football with some mates and shouted:
"Right! Who left the toilet seat up? I'm having a crack down on that!!"
Oh how we laughed.
AND
Reading the Sunday papers with my housemates, one of them (a lady) says "(Local TV celeb) has been diagnosed with bowel cancer... what's that then? I mean I know what breast cancer or lung cancer are, but I wouldnt know my bowel from my arsehole".
( difficultchild, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 3:53, Reply)

At work, couple of years ago..
Little Indian Girl (Literally 3' nothing), ducks under Large English Man's (5'9") desk to steal a cable.
LEM returns, sees her there and sits down, pinning her under said desk.
LIG tries to bite LEM.
LEM lets her out after a while.

Her first words after being released?
"I couldn't find anything small enough to put my mouth around".
(BHB, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 1:50, Reply)

At a boy scout meeting last night,
two of my friends had brought some French fries from the pizza shop across the street. They sat down at a table in the church basement where our troop meets every Tuesday, and, predictably, the rest of the troop descended like hungry vultures upon them. One of the kids who bought the fries, Matt, said, "You guys can have some. But me and Epharaim get the main... access." (No, that isn't the joke.)

Says I, "Well, I get side access."

Subconsciously, we all saw it coming.

Paul, the oldest of us, says, "I get rear access."

We lol'd.
(guitarzan fought the wall, and the wall won on, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 1:26, Reply)

today, having a discussion about the relative merits of "the shining" and the simpsons version thereof...
"willy should really be black"

ALL: "that's what SHE said"
( charlie?, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 0:38, Reply)

Woman at work was watching as a fellow colleage
wiped his 'motorcycle head safety gear' with a cloth, and proclaimed:
"Do you polish your helmet all the time", in total innocence.

Furthermore, there is a cake from Gurnsey called Gaishe, - pronounced "Cunt".
( empty_personality, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 0:20, Reply)

cream egg
Its not innuendo, and I suspect it wasn't entirely accidental, but it looks a bit rude so I thought was worth posting

www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL8I7A-Yx-s
(G-Lo, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 0:16, Reply)

Microsoft
Microsoft were selling the MICROSOFT HOME ESSENTIALS for $105 way back in 1998.

listen carefully
www.youtube.com/watch?v=6u7ze96Xqwk
(lordy lordy, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 22:36, 5 replies)

Tool Hire
There is a sign outside the Beaver Tool Hire shop in Portsmouth, that reads:

"You can't lick beaver for tool hire"
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 22:35, 1 reply)

A late entry...
I was playing on the xbox with a friend of mine, and he mentioned that he'd recently got a High-Def TV to play his on.

A asked if it made much difference, to which he replied:
"Yes, the 1080p-ness is fantastic."

I managed to reply by saying "That's a whole lot of cock", before I collapsed into uncontrolable giggles.
( Cawl, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 22:34, 14 replies)

In church too.
After a church meeting one of the dear ladies, aged 80+, very smart, very refined is asking the young people about a youth weekend they have recently been too. It is winter and one youth mentions that it was rather chilly. He was left on his own when she replied "It was almost cold enough for a muff."

How she knew where I had kept my hands at night I will never know.
(jvz, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 22:03, Reply)

There's soemthing about....
A couple of years ago, the trendy "team building" activity where I work was to make everyone take Myres-Briggs personality tests. These categorise your personality in a four character code, made up from a series of alternatives: you are either an internalist (I) or an externalist (E), you are either judgemental (J) or perceptive (P) etc.

Note that all these are named to avoid negative connotations, but basically J means you jump to conclusions and P means you can't make up your mind. Why people think that having it scientifically proven who's a chatty mess and who's an anally retentive geek will build team harmony I don't know, but we played along... One of the interesting (in the very loosest sense of the word) findings was that our team was mostly Ps with only two Js out of 20-odd.

Anyway, after the big day we're looking through the results in the office and one of our directors comes over. He quickly scans the screen, looks thoughtfully for a moment and says: "you know, there's something about your P-ness...".

Cue the whole office rolling about laughing (if you don't get it, try saying it out loud)
(Inchworm, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 21:07, 2 replies)

I had my pal round for dinner years ago
and we were going through what there is to eat. My mum said to us "How about chicken breasts?" to which my mate so innocently asked "How big are the breasts?"

She went flush red and then he realised what he'd said, and looked so very ashamed of himself.

Good laugh for me, mind.
( McBadger COW, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 19:20, Reply)

Make your mind up
ozzfest '99. my mate, having returned from watching a complex metal band with a cry of "lads, i fucking love Tool!" he didnt seem so keen later when he recieved a full 3" of my stinking, semi-erect cock in his bumhole. some people, eh?
(biscuit bill, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 18:59, Reply)

My housemate and I were up til late the other night
Trying to get some drivers working on his computer. His mate asked us the next day what he was doing.

When the housemate's mate came in, he reckoned he could fix it. 'Impossible', declared the housemate, just as his girlfriend walked in. 'Just ask Sammi. Me and HER were at it all night!'.
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 18:39, Reply)

At School - and this isn't a pun by the way,
there were two girls in our class, one called Sophie Titwank and the other called Nicola Tipbank. We always used to refer to Nicola as "Soapy" because she was always really clean.

As in regularly washed, sexually she was as depraved as a Spaniard after six bottles of Rioja , there was one time when she let this guy do her up the arse while she sung "Girls and Boys" by Blur, and then she squatted over him and crapped on his chest once he was done. Like I said, filthy.

But I digress. The incident in question occurred during our fifth year. It was the inter-tutor football finals and my class had made it through. I was the team captain, and in order to make sure everyone got involved, you had to field a new team for each game.

So I was out on the pitch with the class in front of me, and each captain would call out the name of the person they wanted, and that would your team. Now I reckon you can guess what happened to me, and you'd be right.

You see I meant to call out Sophie Titwank, cause she was ace in goal, but instead I shouted out "I want Soapy Tipbank" and got Nicola instead. And she was crap in goal as she normally played left wing.

And we lost 7-2. I was gutted.

Still, we all had fun, and afterwards old Soapy let me finger her round by the bike sheds while she sucked off Jonny Deacon. Good times them, good times.
( Bazongaloid, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 18:37, 3 replies)

My mum
always comes into my room (yes, I still live with my mother) and asks me if I've got any "darkies" for the wash.

I tell her not to refer to the dark-coloured washing as "darkies" when she's out of the house.
(Hanargh, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 18:25, 2 replies)

At school...
...there was a teacher called Mr. Dear, and a pupil whose surname was Darling. Needless to say, one day, they passed each other in the corridor with the exchange: "Hello, Darling." "Hello, Dear."
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Wed 18 Jun 2008, 18:19, Reply)