Another two come to mind
"piss up a rope"
and
"shut your cum dumpster"
( phatotis while ($hair < $clean) { lather; rinse; }, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 1:06, Reply)

My favourite insult
Me and my mate Neil had a massive drinking session, and we had retired to my flat for more beer. I should explain that I've known Neil since we were kids, and that he has a mother called Hilda who I've always been very fond of.

Neil had recently obtained a new phone - the first he'd had with a video camera. So he drunkenly starts filming, asking me random questions and talking shite, while I try rolling a joint while drunk (which requires herculean powers of concentration). As I was slowly adding the tobacco, no doubt with my tongue sticking out, I looked up and whispered "Neil, Neil" until I got his attention. I then motioned him closer. He came over, with the camera focused on me. I waited til he was right in front of me before I leaned in, waved my fingers up to the camera and whispered "Smell Hilda"

I'm truly amazed I still have friends.

EDIT: I just remembered - last week he had jumped onto the computer to check his bebo page (similar to myspace), and had forgotten to log out. When I discovered this, being quite stoned at the time I decided to change his profile. I changed the names of his favourite films: examples include changing "Igby goes down" to "Hilda goes down", "Some like it hot" to "Some like it Hilda", "Dick Tracy" to "Dick Hilda" (can you spot the pattern?) or my personal favourite, "Beetlejuice" to "Hildajuice"

Good times
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:53, Reply)

One from school..
"Your mum's so stupid she got locked in Tesco and starved."


Possibly use Lidl to add further insult to injury.
(jakesomething, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:48, Reply)

Maddiefucker.
Possible usage:

"Fuck you you fucking Maddiefucker"
(Cerne Big in Dorset, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:47, Reply)

Scrabble
Let me set the scene, me and some friends had been driving round scotland as a bit of a camping holiday, one night we had booked into a cottage so much drunkeness began.

We then cracked open the scrabble box and set about having the most offensive game of scrabble ever imagined, with such fine insults as "wogfacerapeaids"

Rather than waffle on, here is a picture of the board.




*pop*
(Brocko, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:36, Reply)

Ten years ago, when my little brother and sister were 6 and 8,
I came in one day and they were standing there grinning. Then they turned to each other as if to say "Yea, lets do it!" and then proceeded to sing the following to the tune of an ambulances nee-naw siren:

"YOU'RE IN GAY" [repeat]

More hilarity ensued.
(A Hospital Carpark, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:35, Reply)

Gender-bending fun
I've got a mate, who we'll call Tom (as that is his name) that has a rather mannish mother. She's small, skinny, and has short hair. Her name's Freda, so we've taken to calling her Fred.

Every time he comes into the village pub he's greeted with cries of "Tom! How's Fred?" He pretended to find it funny the first few times, but now just tells us to "Fuck off" every time.

Anyways, one time a group of us were sitting at the bar, pissed as farts, when Tom walks in. After the obligatory "How's Fred?", we ask him how he's doing.

"Not bad, but I've had a bit of an argument with my Dad this morning..."

And, in a ray of drunken creativity, I come out with "Which one?"

Cue the pub bursting into laughter, with Tom sitting there, going red, and unable to think of anything to say.

That was about 6 months ago, and we're still bringing it up. I think he may hate me for it.

Ah well
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:32, Reply)

A couple that I use
'Go and choke on your dead dad's cock'. When they reply 'he's not dead', the reply of' he killed himself rather than be associated with you' soon shuts them up.

My fave is 'your were a reject from Porton Down' which is always a good one to use as not many people realise it's where the government test various chemicals on humans in the name of research and they're confused at what they're being insulted by.
(Chuckman, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:29, Reply)

I knew a guy at school....
who was a total messer in class.
One day,the English teacher was delivering a big long speech about something and then asked "Any Questions?"

To which he got the reply: "Yeah, what time is it?"

This drove the teacher mad for some reason.
He went across to the guy,lifted him out of the seat and up against the wall, before calling him the immortal phrase:

"You Feckin' Sparrowfart"

Before sitting him back down,and then carrying on with the lesson.
(Lil' Alan, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:29, Reply)

My personal favourite...
Cock-Juggler

can also be coupled with other insults..

Cock-Juggling Knob-Jockey
(Pimp my Clown is going back to the future on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:27, Reply)

me and slimtallgoth
sitting on the bean bag i like to ding him round the head and call him shit head or fuck face...or sometimes i sit there dangling my foot near the fire devising new ones - 'specially long strings of words like shitmotherfkcockfacetwatpants (these words come out when I'm annoyed/frustrated - which is a lot of the time when at work or trying to do cooking or making things work)

He is nearly as good at them as me, but does NOT ding me round the head. Yet.

It's all good practise for when we get married.

PS! My kids had the BEST one ever, that really made me lmao which was mash head - for someone really bizarre/freaky/scary/loon

they call me the wicked witch of the east (midlands)'nuff said.
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:27, Reply)

I remember
watching a match at Cambridge united. there was a foul and the usual shouts and whistles echoed from the stands. Just as it calmed down someone shouted "CUM SPONGE!". Hilarity ensued.
(A Hospital Carpark, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:26, Reply)

graffiti in a toilet. motorway M6 knutsford.
"my mother made me a homosexual"
underneath someone had written,
"if i buy the wool can she make me one?"
(brussellsprout Im a fucking genius. official., Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:25, Reply)

Big Fat Curly Ball
I was walking up Northumberland Street in Newcastle in a little world of my own when I accidentally accepted a couple flyers for a crap club that I would never go to. I did the obvious thing and shoved them into the hands of the next stupid student flyerer up the street. I got about 3 paces and heard him shout "FUCK OFF YOU BIG FAT CURLY BALL" after me.
In fairness, it's actually a fairly accurate description, which made it all the funnier. Over a couple of pints with a mate later on I decided to get a t-shirt made with BIG FAT CURLY BALL on the front, and BOUNCE ME TO FIND OUT on the back.
I've still got it somewhere.
(DrBurkstrom, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:25, Reply)

Shouting - 'Cock nose'
followed by the action you would normally do for 'nob head' but on the nose area
(dr-kill, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:15, Reply)

I'm going to hell
Not long after my Dad had left (I was going through my difficult teenage years) me and my Mum were having a massive row about my underage drinking. It was hard to hide - I once came in so pissed that I fell onto my bedside table and broke it. There was a bowl of crisps on the table, and when my Mum came upstairs to see what had happened, she found me lying in the wreckage eating crisps off the floor.

Anyway, she said something like, "If you keep this up you'll get addicted and die young." And, to my eternal shame, I shouted back "Yeah, well, if you keep this up you're going to die alone!"

She cried for hours.





I did win the argument though.
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Fri 5 Oct 2007, 0:12, Reply)

About 3 years ago....
Got called a 'tennis ball molester' by the chef in my old local.
(Mensa Reject has gone out, I'll be back on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:59, Reply)

Black Country insults
You can't beat a good old fashioned Black Country insult.

(For our fellow 'Merkins' the Black Country is in the heart of the UK and was called so cos of all the black soot and shite that plastered the area during the industrial revolution. It is not Birmingham though people from London think it is or have never heard of it. Other people think it is a slur on the multi ethnic population of the region but it ain't. We are proud to have a host of glamourous celebs born in the Black Country such as Lenny Henry, Frank Skinner, Julie Walters, Noddy Holder... We have a shit football team called West Bromwich Albion and most people have children with their cousins).

Anyway, we Black Country folk have many ways to tell you how ugly you are.

"Yow gorra feace lark a bulldog chewin' a wasp!"
Meaning you have a face not unsimilar to that of a bulldog who for some reason is consuming a wasp. Chewin a wasp may be replaced with "lickin piss of a thistle".

"Er's gorra fayce loike a bostid boot"
Meaning she has a face like a broken boot.

"Yow gorra feace lark a trod on chip"
Meaning you look like a chip (french fry) that has been stamped on.

"Er's gorra fayce loike a bog o sponners"
She has a face that looks like a bag containg spanners.

Still, we Black Country folk are simple and humble people who will happily insult ourselves as much as we will you. A traditional Black Country joke:
I was so ugly as a kid, our Mom had to tie a pork chop round me neck so that our dog would play with us.

(Not that funny I know).



Sorry for being boring. Love you bye.


***Edit*** Just remembered I invented an insult as a young child. Plibley - meaning a foolish person.
(Just a girl., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:57, Reply)

In Italy...
a bad one between feuding women is something along the lines of "may your sauce never stick to your pasta"
(Carling in a Stella glass Sky high and six thousand miles away, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:50, Reply)

quite frankly the best insult i've heard in a long time
a guy i know in work was arguing with another one of the guys i work with he then said something to him and ended it with him saying 'stick that up your mother's cunt and smell it'. i pissed myself laughing at that

also i made a new one up today as i was off to see the missus today, it goes along the lines of...

'shut your asshole, your talking shit'
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:46, Reply)

Particular favourite of mine...
I hope all your children have tiny penises.

Especially the girls.
(animal252 last activated his kitten hammer on, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:41, Reply)

Old skool
At school, back in the day, we had a sponsored swim for the local spastics. The headmaster announced this proposal in assembly but, instead of saying 'Plunge for the spastics' he said we were going to have a sponsored 'Sponge for the plastics'. My mate Anne and I fell about and we forever referred to mouth-breathing types as sponges.

Also on the list for our spaccy brethren are flid, spacker, Joey (after the legend that is Joey Deacon en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joey_Deacon) and belmer.
(Filthio, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:40, Reply)

best asian insult ever!
walking past a japanese person, i accidentally bumped into him

he yelled at me "watch where you're going, you ROUND EYED FUCK!"

Now i need counselling.. apparently i must have eyes like fuckin overcoat buttons!
(brotagaia, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:38, Reply)

@Mrs Liveinbin
When I was about ten, some pikey kid from down the road kept trying to bully me. I say trying, cos all he ever did was talk to me like he was going to beat me up, but never actually did anything.
Anyhow, before I realised that he was all mouth and nothing else he used to really get to me.
One day I'd had enough and in my rage shouted "Poof off".
Even as I said it I knew my mouth was betraying me (and even I would take the piss out of anyone saying that). Needles to say, when he'd finished crying with laughter, he told everyone we knew.
Still makes me cringe...
(EvilMeister, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:28, Reply)

Tit Factory
Always makes me smile.
And Fuck nuggets for some reason.

And FuckShitCuntWank BallsBumPooPiss shouted as one expletive covers most situations
( Smithlick is often seen at the bottom of threads, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:25, Reply)

your mum is a bus driver
enough said

if that little extra is needed "your mum is dead" fits the bill
for the combo "your mum is a dead bus driver"
and that got me through sixth form
(you lose the game, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:25, Reply)

Father in law
Just remembered, my missus has a dad who's an ex English school teacher christian type dude. He ended up with five daughters and has managed to give them all massive hangups (apart from Mrs Evilmeister who is lovely).
Anyway, he can be a complete bastard on the phone and after ranting at her for 20 minutes about something, she slammed the phone down and screamed at it (I presume in her mind she was screaming at him):-
"You Cunt of a Goat!"

nuff said
(EvilMeister, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:24, Reply)

See written on a wall....
Gay off sniffle fairy.

Sadly this has since been painted over.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:22, Reply)

I kinda liked it
I was once descibed by an old lady as a "Lovable arrogant bastard"

Don't know why, but I like it.
(EvilMeister, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:17, Reply)

my brother
when somebody (usually me) does something utterly stupid he comes out with...

"well done bright eyes"
(lei, Thu 4 Oct 2007, 23:10, Reply)