CVs!
I occasionally have to do the technical interviews for people who want to come and work with whatever company I'm at so I see a lot of CVs.

Sadly, I've yet to meet a boss who'll take any notice of my suggestion that we should randomly split the pile of CVs into two equal piles and throw one pile in the bin so that:

"We don't employ any unlucky people by accident"

I swear that one day I'm going to get this policy through.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 16:23, Reply)

More weaknesses
I was interviewing a bloke once and asked him what his weaknesses were.
"Pork Products", he replied, "and women with big arses"
(LunarJim, Tue 11 Jul 2006, 12:14, Reply)

I gave him the job...
I have had the pleasure of giving a job to one of the most inventive guys I've ever met...

The interview went really well, we got on like a house on fire... and he had good abilities and knowledge... amongst his many interesting jobs, one was simply noted as "Marine Coating and Heating Technician". With mental pictures of clever boat power-systems and oil rig designs, I asked for more details...

He smiled and said "Summer job at the local Chippy"

Pure Genius.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 7 Jul 2006, 12:04, Reply)

Thats a bloody good point Dobby...
...about employers lying on job descriptions.

It took me 2 years to figure out that "Exciting opportunity in the financial services" means "Soul destroying admin shit"

"Challenging Role" means "Impossible work load aimed at causing your imminent mental breakdown"

"Flexi-time" means "You work when we fucking tell you to work fuckface"

"Competitive industry standard wage" means "You're a monkey, here are some peanuts, DANCE MONKEY, DANCE"

"Working in a close team" means "Complete cunt of a manager telling you 8 hours a day that your work is not good enough, you will need to work late, and that I own you man-bitch"

Oh dear, I made myself sad.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Sun 9 Jul 2006, 14:44, Reply)

I told them I was eleven feet tall and made of solid bronze.
I couldn't back it up.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Wed 12 Jul 2006, 17:48, Reply)

Not really a lie, but damn unfortunate...
When I was 16 I was desperate to get out of the shitty job I had as a table scrubber in a local resturant, so I looked around and applied for other jobs. A Trespass shop in town were looking for weekend staff, so I walked in and they told me to just hand in a CV. Needless to say, as soon as I got home, I began working on it.

Being 16, I didn't really know much about writing CVs, so I told my parents what I wanted on it, and got them to write it for me. A few hours later, I went downstairs and went to see what my parents came up with. They had written the worst CV imaginable, as a joke, with things such as "The shop is opposite Blockbuster so it will be easy to spend my wages" and "I think till work will be a peice of piss" on it, my current job listed as "Table scrubbing bitch who sometimes makes sandwhiches in kitchen"....and my hobbies as "Lazing about and wanking". After I read it, they showed me the REAL copy, which was perfect. Next day, I shoved it into an envlope and handed it into the shop.

When I got home I discovered the real, proper CV lying on my desk.

I think you can work out for yourself what happenend. I never heard back.
(LiquidRogue Powerful tiny fists..., Tue 11 Jul 2006, 14:43, Reply)

Trying to hit the big time...
...as a teenager I was rather interested in becoming a TV presenter so I thought the best way to do this was maybe try getting a job somewhere behind the scenes, and maybe I could work my way up somehow with the aid of a lucky break.

So, I applied for a job as a 'runner' on a popular late night BBC chat show. I assumed by entering, regular marathon runner, keen fitness enthusiast, orienteering, and rock climbing under my hobbies would be a great help.

Now I may have told a couple of white lies there, but I went to the interview thinking nothing of it. Anyway, my time comes, I hear "Send the next one Katie" come across the intercom, my name's called out and I'm told to go down to the room at the end of the hallway for the interview.

As I got to the door at the end of the hallway, the manager must've been reading my CV at the time, because as he heard a knock...knock...knock at the door, he said "Come on in Mr Johnson".

I tried, but couldn't get in, so I knock...knock...knocked again, and once more I heard "Come on in Mr Johnson". This went on another 4 or 5 times, before I started to hear a far more agitated and angrier voice calling to me "COME ON IN MR JOHNSON".

I was trying but all my efforts to get into the room were to no avail. All of a sudden, I hear what seems to be the sound of a chair being 'back of the knees' sent backwards rolling across the room, thump...thump...thumps getting closer towards me, and an under the breath muttering of "ffs".

It was then that I felt I'd blown my chances of getting this job even before the interview had started. The door swung open right in front of me and I was greeted by the manager and "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?, WHY DIDN'T YOU COME IN WHEN I TOLD YOU?, ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHI...".

This is when he looked down at me and felt guilty as he noticed I was in a wheelchair, had no legs and I was really struggling to get up the step into his office. He then, like the gentleman he was, picked me up, and carried me into his office and sat me down upon his chair. He sat down opposite me, with a look of pity upon his face, promptly ripped my CV up, and asked me how the accident happened. We talked as if we'd known each other for years, but I left feeling I should have been more honest in my hobbies section.

Anyway, I got a phone call a couple of days later I had got the job, and after working there for a couple of weeks I learned that the boss suffered from alzheimers.

I have now worked there for 6 years, however, a current employer on my behalf is currently locked in a human rights battle to get a little ramp built to get me into and out of his office on my own accords, but it doesn't bother me too much because I'm still happy to have the old chap carry me in and out of his office on a daily basis (he's even painted a couple of white stripes outside his office for me to park my wheelchair, and there's talk of getting a door knob put on 1 foot up so I can open it for myself and simply crawl in should he be out).

Apologies for length, but they do only go down to the knee after all.
(Lt Columbo, Sat 8 Jul 2006, 0:04, Reply)

Please vote for me...

...I am an efficient hardworking go-getter with a no-nonsense professional attitude and a strong desire climb straight to the top. I am very smartly dressed, clean shaven and my personal hygiene is second to none, I also own a verity of different colour biro pens.
(Minty Hit, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 16:44, Reply)

Lies on my CV
How about claiming to be in the project team for a large defence civil engineering project in Scotland, only to find out the guy interviewing me was the project manager for said project who only agreed to interview me so he could expose my lie and laugh in my face.

Not my finest hour.
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 15:15, Reply)

I've seen tons of CVs...
... 'cos I used to work for a recruitment agency.

Some selected highlights:

- 'HOBBIES: Collecting Action Men' (got a job, great guy actually)

- 'REASON FOR LEAVING LAST JOB: Lack of promotion prospects, leading to assault conviction'

- ACHIEVEMENTS: 'four children'

And, the best of all, all from one CV:

'I have not threatened any former employers. This is not in my nature. I only handle rejection unsatisfactorily if I am taken advantage of. In no way do I have a problem in my behaviour with women (lecherous, harassing,etc.) I had a problem in my personal life in Spring 03 with a girlfriend which I have learnt from and am completely over. I am not prone to this problem. If I was earning £50k a year I would probably be one of the most interesting people around.'

Oddly enough, he did not get a job through us.
(The Moai, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 14:35, Reply)

Not on my CV, but on the CV of someone I was interviewing
I sometimes get involved in recruitment at my company and on this occasion I was interviewing a guy who had listed "Grappling" (which incidentally when I was at school was a euphemism for wanking) as one of his interests.

So i asked him "You've listed Grappling as one of your interests, can you tell me a bit about what that is?"

He looked me square in the eye and said "I don't talk about Grappling"

Cue uncomfortable silence.....

Not wanting to lose face I carried on "Well, as you've listed it as an interest, has no one ever asked you about it before?"

Again he just stared at me and said "No, never."

I was baffled, but I offered him the job anyway as I didn't like the prick he would be working for.

6 months later he was sacked for attacking said prick (presumably with some sort of Grappling move). I'm sure there's a moral there somewhere - probably don't let me interview for positions in your team.
( chronic And he doesn't know I licked his back!, Wed 12 Jul 2006, 17:38, Reply)

Temp agency 'reformatted' my CV for me
I applied for temp work through an agency after i graduated. I had to go for an interview for some boring admin role.

The interview was going as well as expected, when towards the end, the guy started asking me questions about my time as a travelling minstrel.

My brain went into it's reflex mode of 'I must have told a lie.... tell more to cover it up', but even with my L337 sK1lls at bullshitting, I was truly stumped at that one.

After a lot of confused glances bounced round the room, we managed to figure out that the 'tards at my temp agency had decided to reformat my CV before sending it, and had somehow removed the full stop and line break between two of the entries in my 'interests' section:

Spent 6 months travelling round the Middle East and the Far East.

Playing the guitar.

We all had a good laugh about it, and I even got offered the job, but turned it down because it was rubbish.
( HoratioFellatio Taking the the out of psychotherapist, Tue 11 Jul 2006, 4:45, Reply)

They didn't get the job
A few years backI worked in a recruitment department. We kept a record of CV own goals. Some of which are:-

'I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms'
'It's best for employers I don't work with people'
'I was working for my mum until she decided to move'
'Let's meet so you can ooh and aah over my experience'
'Marital status: often, Children: various'

and my favorite

'References: none, I have left a path of destruction behind me'
(ElGatodeBarco, Sun 9 Jul 2006, 12:40, Reply)

Me and my big mouth.
Well not me exactly, but some twat with no concept of 'good things to say in an interview' and 'bad things to say in an interview'.

This nervous young lad pitched up for an interview for the post of Junior Admin Assistant or some such low-level drudgery. He wasn't too impressive, either in experience or interview technique, but I felt he really let himself down when he volunteered that he had been given a couple of verbal warnings in his last job for "staring at girls' tits" and that he was an early suspect in the Jill Dando murder case.
(se8card, Sat 8 Jul 2006, 6:55, Reply)

My Curicilam viaeto says...
...my 5 strenhgts are my speling, my taemwork and my acountintcy skils
(Lt Columbo, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 18:34, Reply)

I didn't lie. I was just unqualified.
My current job involves termites (termites|setimret, imagine that!). Problem is, I had never seen a termite before I interviewed for the job.

On the interview, they took me out to the woods to show me their field site. I kicked over a piece of wood, and there were all these white bugs crawling around.

I looked nervously at my hosts, and I thought "I'll bet those are termites."

One of them said "Oh, look, there's a soldier running around."

"Ah, yes," I said, "look at him go!"

I had no idea what a soldier termite looked like.

I've been on the job for five years now.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 16:22, Reply)

Duke of Edinburgh Bronze Award
my cv states that i got a d of e award. this is a lie.

as those of you who have done d of e may know, you have to complete 4 sections: a 2 day trek, physical, skills and community service.

so my friend and i chose care for animals. we worked in a petshop at weekends. one day, the owner left us alone for 5 mins. my friend, whom we shall identify correctly as sam, decided she could cope with cleaning out the canaries.

she could not and one made a desperate bid for freedom.

there followed about 10 mins of benny hill-esque panic as sam chased the terrified feathery little twat around the shop with a net. eventually i told her to leave the poor thing alone. at which point it perched obligingly on the top of the display board in the window. sam could not resist. she pounced once more with the net...

... and shoved it, beak first, into the window, where its poor little neck snapped. there it was, for all the world to see, stuck between the glass and the display board, a dead bird with a broken neck. that only works for a butcher, not a pet shop.

needless to say, we were both booted off the course. but having done the stupid walks, in derbyshire blizzards, with a tent pitched on a 45 degree slope, with a mad cow mooing in pain all night right by my head; having sat through tedious hours of skills to learn criminology; having gone to months of aerobics, i am damned if i am not getting any credit because of sam and a net!

apologies for length, it lasted longer than the canary.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 10:51, Reply)

Tipp-ex fun
Knew a girl from school who bunked off all her exams. When the certificate arrived in the post, every single subject had the word "Abs" for 'Absent' where the grade should be.

A little work with a bottle of Tipp-ex and a colour photocopier later, she presented a certificate boasting straight A's to a prospective employer, and is now the manager at a large high street bank whose name rhymes with "Shabby". If only they knew.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 15:12, Reply)

Well.....
......turns out if you claim to have a forkilift licence they might just ask you to drive one. One day.

Or in my case on my first day....

Still, i only managed to write off £5000 worth of stock and embed the bugger into the wall.

....silly rear wheel steering. Tsk.

Lenght? Girth? Both...in cold steel. Gotta love fork-lift-forks...
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 23:18, Reply)

I've had a checkered life
But my cv contains no lies - I have though had I think 21 jobs since I left school at 16, and I am only 37 which is not too bad - thankfully commitment has never been a problem with prospective employers - after all you can always tell them it was a contract.

I've been in IT since 1987, with a couple of moments away, including being a cabinet maker for Trace Elliot (they make bass amps for the rich and famous), A musician in the BRitish Army and a photographer to some famous rock bands (which have got me interviews just because people want to know what Alice Cooper is really like - How would I know from shooting thre songs from the photographers pit?). But I can list people like the European Space Agency, Coca Cola and Nike amongst my previous employers, so that carries some weight.

I'm not here to boast of my lies, but to maybe offer some advice - when I was out of IT I got back in by being a recruitment consultant and learned about how or how not to write a CV, so if I can help those out there searching, I'll sleep better.

1. Never short sell yourself - be proud of what you have done, no matter how insignificant it may seem - authority, responibility and accountability are things any employers love to see - even if it is when you are trying to get on the career ladder and have worked only part time at threshers.

2. Relevance - there is the rule of 5 - if you think you are not good enough for a job because although you can program in C, have a degree in microbiology, speak fluent swahili and can ride a unicycle but don't have experience of cooking mufffins that's fine - most job specs want the perfect candidate and of they list the above or similar most ridiculous things, mention in the cover letter that I can a), I can b) I can c) and I can d) (maybe dropping examples of each) but then write I am lacking in knowledge of e) but I am willing to learn - that will get you oin for interview - normally by the third yes difficult employers will be overawed you have 60% of the requirement.

3. A willingness to learn is often far more important than a lack of experience - just back it up with examples

4. Pride - if you have done something, something you may think is irrelevant but you talk with pride about it on your cv or in an interview, the passion will win you points.

5. Lying - DON'T. If you are a year off a degree be honest, but back it up by what you have done that is relevant - Liers get caught out and believe me there are networks and forums that will name abnd shame you.

6. Be yourself! Don't worry about going into and interview and not getting the job - there are plenty more out there that are better, and believe me what may look like the perfect job can actually turn out to be pure hell (I'm there right now - but I am getting out of it on my terms)

7. Hobbies and interests - true stories - I used to list Playing the guitar, travel and photography as my hobbies - one interview I was asked if I really went out on a Friday night and travelled afar to take pictures of my guitar - my response? "No Dave Mate, I go out and get wankered with my mates"- I got the job on the spot (and at a city company in the IT sector attached to the insurance industry) - this is a rare example but sometimes putting something as broad as "socialising" on your CV will get you a lot further than pretending you enjoy knitting - remember the people accross the desk may enjoy a pint as well - it also shows that you do not have problems with mixing with people and communicatinm, if even after a pint.

Well I am sure that is more, but for you young'uns I hope that helps - good luck in whatever you chose to do with your life - I hope it takes you to half the places I have been or am going and you always have a couple of quid on your pocket for a kebab and a beer because of it!
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 22:19, Reply)

I was the "Young Captain Birdseye 2000-2001"
just for the hell of it in an application for a job I did not want all that much.
( gaijintendo Regular Member, Mon 10 Jul 2006, 23:36, Reply)

I have never lied on my CV
But if I had a quid for every time a prospective employer has lied on a job description, I could employ Sir Alan Sugar to wipe my bottom.
(><(((">, Sun 9 Jul 2006, 7:07, Reply)

Not so much a lie on my cv,
as a lie on someone else's.

My first ever job was with a recruitment agency called 'Sal-Tech' and being the 'boy' in the office was underpaid and generally treated like shit. My boss was a semi retired woman of nominal sanity and an insoucient alcoholic bent.

On my final day, I vowed revenge and, naturally, got drunk at lunchtime. When I came back, I picked the first cv I could find on the database - a Mr R Putta if my memory serves me well - and set to work.

'Our candidate has an absolutely enormous penis', it began, his hobbies including such activities as 'child abuse' and there was mention that should any prospctive employees offer him the job, he would suck their helmets 'to full completion'.

I printed off some copies of his cv and posted them, along with a Sal-Tech compliment slip to such companies as Marconi, Glaxo and a number of telecommunications companies.

A few days later I received a letter from Sal-Tech asking if I knew anything about some cvs and that they were taking the matter further.

I shat myself - but managed to type up an unsigned letter, effectively blaming it all on the backward girl who worked in accounts.

To this day I wonder what ever happened to Mr R Putta. Bet he's earning more than me...
(ccc, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 19:47, Reply)

Legless, that application about breeding prizewinning clams...
I have seen it on somebody’s Friends Reunited page. An Irish guy I knew at uni called Collum, I thought he was being wacky & creative but he obviously just nicked it off a viral doing the rounds.


Anyhoo, sticking to zee question;

I know a man in his 70's who put the letters "FSC" after his name whenever he applied for a job; it was the qualification he was awarded at the end of grammar school in the late 1940's. Always seemed to impress apparently.

"Guess what it stands for,” he says to me,
"Financial Services Charter?" Nope.
"Fellow of Science?” Nope.
"I give up, what does it stand for?"

FAILED SCHOOL CERTIFICATE
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 12:41, Reply)

I have qualifications
...according to my CV. Not true. I'm just experienced.

See, I wrote my CV on my dad's computer, years ago, and I'd lied to him about finishing that college course. I figured after dropping out of university for being a lazy cnut, he'd be angry if I failed as miserably at my HND.

So he never knew I was just an 'A' Level guy. I needed his help getting the CV in order, so he was going to see what I'd written, and I was living at home for this jobless period, so he got to see the printed versions I sent out too.

I got a job, and no-one checked.
And another one.
And another...

It still says I have an HND on my CV. It's stayed firmly on the file, no matter what other updates I've made over the years.
I'm used as a consultant on all matters legal and scientific due to my "qualifications".
Bollocks - I've just got thirteen years of work in the field.
( no cake for the impuritay Patrick Stewart hasn't aged since, Thu 6 Jul 2006, 16:14, Reply)

I may have inadvertantly given the impression

That I wanted their fucking job.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 13 Jul 2006, 2:47, Reply)

Apt...

As I was fired yesterday for writing on my Blog that a server engineer was a fuckwit, this question is quite apt.

Have to dust off the old CV and start looking for another contract. I've never lied on my CV before but, as I don't want to put down that I was fired for saying that someone is an incompetent fuckwit, looks like I'll have to bend the truth a little this time.

And as the guy in question reads B3ta, he'll be proud to know that all of B3ta knows he's an incompetent fuckwit.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 12 Jul 2006, 11:41, Reply)

Just the man for the job!
Many years ago, I had left my previous job with a sweetheart severance package that included eight months full salary, or half-salary if I should happen to find employment during that time.

(It was so generous because it included a condition that I not take them to the labour board for a blatant violation after they had the union certification that I'd organized overturned through some illegal jiggery-pokery.)

Although I felt obliged to take full advantage of a 2/3 year paid holiday, I was required to demonstrate that I was indeed looking for work. This meant sending out a lot of resumes that had "Please don't hire me, as I am mentally unbalanced!" written fairly large between the lines. I had a lot of fun being creative with them.

I accidentally got called in for an interview though once. "How did it happen? What can they be thinking?" I asked myself. I decided to have fun with the interview portion of the charade as well. I prepared myself with a small amount of a central nervous system stimulant several orders of magnitude more efficacious than caffeine in order to better put off the desired vibe of "skeevy undesirable."

When the interview began, the H.R. drone skipped by everything in my work experience, commented not at all on the numerous deliberate mispellings designed to make me appear as incompetent as humanly possible, or any of the other inappropriate elements that I'd included in the body of the resume. Instead, she skipped to the end. "Under 'Hobbies and Interests,'" she observed, "You have written 'I enjoy repetitive tasks.' What do you mean by that?"

Oh, crap. It was only meant to suggest an IQ in the mid-twenties -- she was reading it as an asset. I bluffed my way through it, saying that doing the same thing over and over put me in a trance-like state that I enjoyed a great deal. "Almost as good as sleeping, which I like better than anything."

On the strength of this, she was prepared to hire me on the spot -- no amount of twitching and fidgeting would dissuade her. I eventually had to call back and explain that I'd accepted a position elsewhere to get my head out of the noose.

I have a feeling that job would not have been the most challenging or stimulating employment one might find.
(Larry_Mudd, Tue 11 Jul 2006, 8:05, Reply)

2 lies on 1 CV (2-for-1)
Before that security license thing came into force, I applied for some great job in security which paid big time, so I really wanted to get it.

At that time I had a mate who worked at his Dad's security firm (the Dad actually owned it) that have previously been hired by celebrities and famous people for personal protection.

Basically I persuaded my mate to allow me to say that I'd previously worked for this security firm so I put it on my CV.

Not only that, I added that I'd previously worked for MI5 too.

At the interview, they were very impressed with my CV and the question came up about my MI5 job. My answer to the first question was "I cannot go into detail about this job under any circumstances", then my answer to the second question, "Again, I cannot go into detail about this" and you get the idea. I also mentioned that due to strict security reason, they couldn't contact MI5 themselves to get a reference and that I'd have to do it for them.

A week later I got offered the job and took it.

:-)
(Timmeh I am Timmeh and Timmeh is me!, Sat 8 Jul 2006, 23:50, Reply)

Not quite but almost
I was six and had heard the word 'prosititute' asked my mom, who was one of life's good guys, what it meant. Her explanation of it as being 'someone who loves people who have no one to love them' - made me think they were like nurses or something and this was therefore a calling or vocation.
Hence my resonse when we were asked in class group discussion what our parents did and what we wanted to do when we grew up....
Young Siouxfan, "My dad is an engineer, my mom is a teacher and I want to be a prostitute"

My poor mom had some majot explaining to do to my intenseley Catholic school head teacher...
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 11:22, Reply)