New QOTW vote is up.
www.b3ta.com/board/11080448

Irrational beliefs could be fun, such as irrationally believing that placing the vote on a board which the target audience doesn't necessarily visit is a good idea.
( Muns, Thu 29 May 2014, 11:20, 8 replies)

Dry spell LIKE A BOSS
I had a mate who just couldn't seem to get laid. He was a lovely guy, nothing wrong with him at all in either looks or personality, apart from being rather shy when it came to women. His "dry spell" had built up to a soul-crushing 8 YEARS, which obviously didn't help when it came to self-confidence.

He had no problems being friends with women, however, and was a popular member of our group. Eventually, to everyone's delight, one of his friendships became something more, and he finally broke his drought. I imagine the cheers and whoops could be heard down the street, that first night.

The woman in question was also delighted, as it turned out he was hung like the mutant child of King Kong and Rasputin. And since "tact" and "discretion" were not concepts she had any time for, he didn't have much trouble after that...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 29 May 2014, 11:11, Reply)

Has George! thrown his sextoys out of the pram?
I can't find his forthright and insightful post anywhere.

Probably deleted it accidentally whilst using his laptop to fight off all that predatory minge.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 29 May 2014, 11:10, 5 replies)

She had a knife, "just in case".
She slept clutching it.

In my bed. The knife came from my kitchen.

Mental.
Apparently I look a bit rapey.
( gone, Thu 29 May 2014, 9:55, 3 replies)

I've been in one of two relationships almost constantly since I was 18
I am nearly 36. It has grown back.

Also I munt.

Thanks, bastards.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 29 May 2014, 9:24, 4 replies)

Not having more sexy times
was in a hotel room in Luton with a now ex the night before we were to fly to France for our hols we had made the beast with 2 backs a couple of times since checking in and now we are both relaxing on the bed after having dinner, a couple of drinks, a shower and she is there in her pj's and myself in my boxers.

"is there something you would like me to do?" she enquired a smile and a glint in her eye.

"you could brush your teeth, your breath smells a bit" said I.

cue her getting suddenly getting a bit arsey and not speaking to me for a good half an hour.

it was not until some time later that i realized that she was offering me the very rare (for her anyway) opportunity for a blow job.
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Wed 28 May 2014, 22:17, 7 replies)

I could have had lots more sex
after I had given birth to mini-me I still lived at home with my parents.
When his dad came to stay, they thought it was reasonable to put us in SEPARATE rooms!
For gods sake we had already had a child! He had seen me poo myself while pooing out a tiny human! How close do you want people to be? What was wrong with them? We had clearly already 'done it'. Why not let us do the do? Allow us to get frisky? Stolen seconds gettin' jiggy and low down and dutty under the sheets? I was hormonal and womanly and fertile and incredibly responsible and 18.
For gods sake MY PARENTS MIGHT HAVE HAD A POINT.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Wed 28 May 2014, 21:23, 5 replies)

Alcohol and loosening
A good few years back, I'd been good friends with a girl and she was off to work overseas for a year, so she decided she'd have a bit of a do for some of her friends to say goodbye. I was invited.

I was also the only person other than her who was at her house that night. Oh-ho, thought I, getting a distinct good feeling.

"So", she said, "Do you want to go out, or will we just stay in with a drink and a video?" I opted for the latter option. Fewer opportunities for interruption, I figured. So we went and got a few bottles of wine, and sat down to watch a film with drink and some food. All good so far.

I don't remember much about the film to be honest, although I do recall seeing a nice pair of tits in it. Unfortunately that was the only pair I was going to see that evening. I seemed to have consumed rather a lot of wine, and by the time bed was suggested, I eagerly stood up, then sat down again in a hurry as my balance wasn't all it should have been. I stood up again, more carefully this time, and just at that point, my innards started to rumble a bit.

"Bugger", I thought. "I'm going to let rip with a big fart, just at the critical point". And as it happens, I did. There was no holding it in, and out came a serious expulsion of gas.

That was bad enough, but I then felt a damp, heavy warmth not normally associated with simple gaseous emissions. Yes, for the only time I can recall in adult life, I had shat myself.

"I think I need to go to the toilet", quoth I.

"Yes, I think that would be a good idea", she agreed, having guessed the nature of my plight (possibly by the vile aroma emanating from my nether regions, and my now very odd gait).

I slept in the spare bed that night. Never did get any from her.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 28 May 2014, 21:11, 2 replies)

I don't have much to tell personally
So instead I shall give you the tribulations of my good friend Dom "Thirteen Times" Johnson.

At the age of nineteen, he is still a virgin. Now, I would never normally mock someone for that. Hell, I was older than that by a couple of years when I lost my virginity. No, the thing I mock him for is that he has ~almost~ lost his virginity.

Thirteen times over.

And failed every single time.

Now the first six are not really his fault. As an extremely keen cyclist throughout puberty (he was probably the best junior in the country at one point), his development was slightly affected by long hours in the saddle. To cut a long (or not - we'll come to that) story short, if he's been cycling any appreciable amount the day before, he can't get it up.

Six times denied by his own penis.

Which, apparently, is not particularly large. To the extent, in fact, that women #7 and #8 saw him naked, laughed, and left the building.

Make that eight times denied by his own penis. So far so unfortunate, but now we come to the bulk of the stories.

#9 - After pulling a girl in a seedy club, they took the bus back to campus, where he lived at the time. The bus trip was so long (at least something was) that she got bored of him on the way and on arriving, promptly took a taxi back into town again.

#10 - Same club, same situation. About to get into a taxi (he did learn something from the previous experience) the girl leans in and whispers "Do you want to go back to mine to have sex?" He then has a twenty minute giggling fit at the word "sex". During which the girl gets into the taxi and leaves, alone. Apparently he didn't quite learn enough.

#11 - He manages to get a girl into bed this time, but she passes out almost instantly. Desperate as he is, he has to draw the line somewhere, and spends the night on the floor. Upon awakening, the girl tells him that he has "until the taxi gets here" to do whatever he wants with her. Alas, twenty seconds proves to not be quite enough. Even for him.

#12 - This time, he manages to get back to the girl's flat instead of his. Alas, he's eaten a rather dodgy curry the night before, and asks the use the bathroom. As he told me "It was like a volcanic eruption. Noises, screams, flowing rivers of awful".

Her bedroom was right next door to the bathroom. She heard EVERYTHING, and made him sleep on the floor. Again.

Unlucky #13 (and my own personal favourite) - He pulled a girl at the students union during freshers week. "Do you have a condom?" she asked him, in a sultry voice with only a trace of impending unconsciousness. "No" replies our hero "but I'll go get one". So off he trots to the toilets and procures not one but TWO (ooh, ambitious) whole condoms. Sadly, when he gets back out, she's gone. Perhaps understandably (or perhaps not) he hunts high and low throughout the whole building for her. She's nowhere to be found.

Now, most people would give up at this point. Some would go back to drinking, some would go for a walk and bemoan the fickleness of womankind and some would simply go home for a wank. But not our hero, oh no.

Because he decides the best course of action is to wait for her to come out of the union.

By hiding outside the union.

In a bush. The leafy kind.

In the rain.

Clutching his condoms.

For four and a half hours.



He remains, to this day, a virgin.
( MatJ LOOK, Wed 28 May 2014, 21:00, 10 replies)

Drove about two hours to meet a real live woman

...who I thought was a definite goer. Quick pub meal, nice chat before a cheesy movie, another movie at home with drinks and getting close.

"Well I only have one bed, so I guess you can sleep with me, but don't try anything funny" she said. I played the gent until the morning, and then, very horny, started coming on to her and by that point she was well up for it. Kisses, down to the nips, and then went down on her (well, it's only polite for starters, isn't it?). Job done - I gesture her hand towards my now desperate-to-get-on-with-the-job cock and she gets up, puts the kettle on and says she's expecting someone to arrive to work on the kitchen shortly.

I drove home and had a wank.

The end.
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Wed 28 May 2014, 17:35, 4 replies)

Filth freak.
So, I hooked up with a geezer from the now defunct Penny Farthing gay bar in Hammersmith. I was a little bit drunk and the guy said we should walk back to his house. Glad we walked and did not get a taxi because on this walk he explained to me how he liked smelly bodies, how crusty pissy shitty underwear was a real turn on. About his daddy issues and just about everything else about his tragic psyche. So, like all the great News of the World reporters I made my excuses and left but not without some caterwauling from him. Perhaps if I had been sober I would have found his chat, "sexy as fuck!"
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 28 May 2014, 14:41, 13 replies)

I was on the internet, seriously impressing some nerds with my credentials as a fanny magnet,
and there were all these big boobed bitches around my home-office chair, rubbing my chest and balls.
I was clearly only moments away from being fellated on an industrial scale.

However, I accidentally deleted the thread which proved my manliness, exactly as the Lynx Voodoo ceased to work its magic.
My subterfuge uncovered, they blew raspberries at me and I had to sneak on back to my parents basement to wank dejectedly.
Oh well... at least those stupid nerds think I'm a fucking stud.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Wed 28 May 2014, 14:30, 3 replies)

A number of Ann Summers lingerie
models want to have sex with me......Unfortunately that number is zero.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 28 May 2014, 14:02, 2 replies)

I'd found the perfect woman, she was tall, beautiful, and obviously interested in me. i felt certain we were going to have sex
But it turned out that even for a hand job I was still 20 quid short
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 28 May 2014, 13:42, Reply)

Big car
but not big enough. My first car was an old 60s model. Steel dashboard. Huge bench seat in the front as well as the back. The steering wheel was enormous and had a big shiny ring in the center for the horn.

The young lady and I were making out in the front seat at a popular site for such activities. There must have been a dozen cars nearby.

As we started to get a bit more into it and taking shirts off, ANNNND my elbow becomes wedged in between the steering wheel and the horn ring.
HOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
Took almost a full minute to get my elbow unstuck.

Certainly put a damper on the mood and probably for the rest of the cars parked up there that night.
( id10ts WTF happened, Wed 28 May 2014, 11:37, 4 replies)

While we're under my parents' roof, anything pertaining to the possibility of sin is disallowed. So we're segregated during the hours of darkness.
When we stay over at my folks' place I have to sleep in a different room to my partner, despite us having been together for over 4 years and me clocking up 43 on the birthday meter next time around. Fairly sure we've not been saving ourselves for our wedding night but something to do with 'out of wedlock' and some bloke called God's crazy theories about evil doings spoiling it all, so we must be separated. I just think my folks must be well jel but are hiding behind religion.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 27 May 2014, 23:34, 14 replies)

I once didn't have sex for a reason other than being a loser.
My then girlfriend and I were staying in a rather "quaint" bed and breakfast in the very exciting city of York! We had only been together for a few months so we were still getting to know each other and, since it was a long-distance relationship, we hadn't yet met the other partner's family.
The room was decorated in period style which was a little overboard on the flowers and lace but very fitting and very well maintained. They also had one of the largest shower cubicles I've been in since my time at grammar school (which is another story). So, as people do in this situation my intended and I decided to share the shower... Shower gel was applied, various bits stiffened, cuddling lead to excitement almost ready to burst on my part.
Then, in that way only women can do she asked me "So, when will we meet your mother?". Things didn't recover, sadly.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Tue 27 May 2014, 18:48, 6 replies)

One way to guarantee not having any sex...
is to take your intended to a cheap hotel miles away in the middle of Germany. I won't bore you with the details other than the name of the hotel so you can look for yourself! To cut a long story short... Ibis in Mayen South.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 27 May 2014, 18:18, 18 replies)

Haven't seen any stories about interruptions by children, this week.
Is everyone worried about being called out as a nonce?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 27 May 2014, 15:35, 14 replies)

When drunk, it is inadvisable to slow down to a "slow n' low, sexyyy" rhythm ...
.. and gradually fall asleep, particularly if while doing so she asks you what you're thinking of, and you respond that you're thinking of your mate Tom playing the banjo underwater.

It doesn't improve things.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 27 May 2014, 13:48, 3 replies)

Most of my life, now also married.
'nuf said
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Tue 27 May 2014, 10:17, 5 replies)

lol deletion
"The Game: Undercover in the Secret Society of Pickup Artists" by Neil Strauss is available from Amazon £6.29 with free delivery in the UK
http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Game-Undercover-Society-Artists/dp/184767237X
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 26 May 2014, 23:17, 3 replies)

50 shades of Tampax
Saturday night she's on her period but she's obviously kind of horny anyway, so she starts grabbing my dick and making out and we decide we're gonna bang anyway. So I put a towel down to keep from bloodying the bed, put a condom on, and I'm ready to go. I pull off her panties and immediately I notice there's a pad attached to them... a little off-putting but I ignore it and toss it to the side.

I'm right about to stick it in dat when she says "wait, I still have a tampon in." I'm like "wtf, go to the bathroom and take it out!" Then what she says next truly, deeply shocks and disturbs me: "I want YOU to take it out." At this point I'm stunned. How can she possibly think this is something acceptable to ask of a man who's already going out of his way to have sex with you despite your sickening, bloody vag? I first think she's joking, but she makes it clear she's not only turned on by the idea of me removing it, but expects that I should be turned on too. Then the following exchange occurs:

Me: "How could you POSSIBLY think this would be something I'd want to do? Are you insane?"

Her: "But that's what they do in the book!"

Me: "WHAT BOOK???"

Her: "FIFTY SHADES OF GREY!"

Now I realize she's gotten the idea from that pornographic book she's reading. What the Twilight series did for women's romantic expectations, this new series has done for their sexual expectations. She tells me she just put the tampon in like 20 minutes ago so it should be pretty much clean. I swallow my pride and, still wanting to have sex despite it all, I pull the string. The thing is drenched in blood. It's like a horror movie. I go flush it down the toilet and sit back down on the bed, my erection completely gone. I tell her I don't think I can do this now. She begs for a couple of minutes still wanting that heizenberg wang and eventually she manages to arouse me again and we do it.
(Daw the Cunt Deffiency in keeping Wind since 1970, Mon 26 May 2014, 22:00, 12 replies)

Her mate got falling-down drunk and pulled all the house plants to the floor with her
So, she reluctantly bade me good night. Learned shortly thereafter she had a whole range of STDs - a veritable arsenal of bio weapons - so maybe a blessing in disguise.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Mon 26 May 2014, 18:46, Reply)

European Teen Bukkake Queen (Vol. 18)
Hello sweeties!

It’s me again, your lovely newly-regenerated super SEXXXXEEEE Doctor Skagra!

When I first saw the title of this week’s Question of the Week I did chortle in anticipation of all the heeeeee-larious stories that it would provoke. And then I did pause, and sigh woefully, as I realised that I would not have a story to post. Because, my fine fondant ferrous fans, I have ALWAYS got who or what I wanted and have NEVER ‘blown it’ – at least, not in *that* way. Oooh – errr!

But then I sighed again, more deeply this time, my small (but pert) breasts heaving. [Because, as you know from last week, my current incarnation – my ninth – is female!!! Wunderbar – and, indeed, Wunderbra!!! Full story is here

www.b3ta.com/questions/neardeathexperiences2/post2287114

in case you didn’t read it (as if!)]

I sighed again because I remembered that – lucky you! – I DO have a story to tell this week. I did once fail to have sex, I did once ‘blow it.’ And not in that way etc.

It was when I was in one of my male incarnations. I’d just come out of a disastrous relationship with – funnily enough – River Song, and I was still in love with her. What a fool I was! It was OK at first, and the sex was fantastic, but after a month or so I began to realise that she was obsessed with that other Doctor – you know, *him*. She talked about him constantly and when she came she would scream ‘Doctor, oh, DOCTOR!’ This pleased me at first because I thought she meant me – Doctor Skagra – but one fateful night as we basked in the warm afterglow of our love she confessed with an evil gleam in her eyes that she meant HIM. I broke off the relationship shortly after that because, though I still loved her, I hated the Doctor and couldn’t stand the thought of stirring his porridge, and it galls me to this day that I am ‘custard cousins’ with him.

Oh and whilst I am on the subject, River Song nicked ‘sweetie’ from me, sweeties. Or rather, she will do, as she told me that she met me in my future and her past, when I was / will be in my current incarnation. Apparently I am to have a drunken lesbian one-night stand with her quite soon, and I can’t avoid it as it would mess up the Web of Time. I can hardly wait.

Anyway, after I chucked River Song I entered a period of depression and started drinking heavily. One particularly bad night I found myself in a seedy bar in Cologne, drowning my sorrows in expensive German Pilsner lager. I wasn’t interested in any of the women in the bar, not even for casual one-night rebound sex, as my hearts still belonged to River. However I could not fail to notice this slim young dark-haired woman giving me the eye and smiling across from where she was propping up the bar with a load of other women. I tried to avoid eye contact and give off ‘leave me alone’ vibes but I must have accidentally given off the wrong signals as she eventually strutted over and plonked herself down at my table opposite me.

She smiled at me and said, ‘Hi, my name’s Elena, I’m from Electric Climax Productions and I am scouting for participants in our new movie, it’s called “European Teen Bukkake Queen (Volume 18)” – are you familiar with the series?

‘No,’ I replied, ‘but the title doesn’t leave much to the imagination.’

She laughed. ‘Yah, you’re right. It’s basically a massive fuck-fest at the end of which one lucky girl is crowned European Teen Bukkake Queen.’

I sipped my lager, wanting this woman to go away, but at the same time a little bit curious. ‘What would the “participants” be required to do?’

‘Okay, there’s eight girls and about twenty guys? The girls are all hot and all aged 18 or 19. You’ll get to fuck each of the girls and then cum all over her face with all the other guys. Are you a heavy cummer? Can you cum like ten times in one day?’

I replied to the affirmative – we Time Lords, with our superior biology, have immense sexual prowess and cum like racehorses.

‘Okay, yah, well, if you’re in, there will be a strict 30-day non-ejaculation clause in your contract. You have to promise not to cum for at least thirty days prior to the shoot. And there’s a special diet you’ll have to follow to maximise your payload of semen. So – are you interested?’

I looked at her eager face, imagined it covered in semen, and then thought of the lovely River Song’s face. ‘Er, no thanks… thanks for asking.’

Elena looked disappointed, but then nodded and smiled, and went away.

Later, of course, I kicked myself for turning down this opportunity.

So, there you go, I completely blew it – I could have drowned in poon, teen poon at that, and then drowned that poon with my Time Lord jizz. But I didn’t.

Never mind! It was ages ago and I am over her now. And at least it gave you all a lovely story to read, eh, fans?

Laters, sweeties!

XXX
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 26 May 2014, 18:18, 20 replies)

Repost
A few years back, I was going out with a girl who was tremendously filthy, but was also in RAF training. She'd swallowed the propaganda entirely, to the extent that when we walked past a Lib Dem election poster she hissed at it and angrily explained how they wanted to cut military funding. Our politics did not match.

Anyway, I went to a formal meal at her RAF base and it was quite an eye-opener. A bunch of otherwise intelligent people wearing ludicrously elaborate formal dress and making the sort of anti-foreigner statements that I'd previously assumed only belonged to Jeremy Kyle contestants.

I met a girl there who was closer to my views than any of the others (she'd come as her friend's +1), and we hit it off quite well. She had a guest room in the barracks and as we were quite drunk it didn't take long before we decided we should slope off for a sneaky shag.

In her room and we're both standing up against the wall, she's topless and I'm entirely naked by this point, and there's an angry-sounding barrage of knocks on the door. OH FUCK, the missus has come looking for me, and all of her friends are here, and all of her friends are psychotic paras.

So I scrambled trying to hide myself, first diving under the duvet but Rachel made it clear that this was not a good disguise. Being a military base there were not such things as en-suites or walk-in wardrobes, in fact the room was entirely square with nowhere to hide.

In a flash of inspiration, I realised that the window sill was about 18 inches wide, so I leapt up behind the curtain and stood there as Rachel answered the door.

"No, I haven't seen him, I was just getting changed", I heard as I cowered three feet up on the window sill.

Satisfied that I wasn't there, my midget right-winger fucked off.

Much to my distress, this had put Rachel out of the mood and so she suggested I get dressed. This I did, then I went out of a random door onto the base. I wandered about for a bit and then returned nonchalantly to the feast room. Laura the miniature racist asked me where the fuck I'd been, and I entirely got away with telling her that as a drunken person, I had wanted to get some fresh air.

Never did fuck Rachel though. :-(
(Eukanuba, Mon 26 May 2014, 16:24, 9 replies)

The Evil of Drink
She was gorgeous. We had been drinking a lot. She was unmistakably interested, in a naked kind of way. I said "I'm going to fuck you until your head falls off." She indicated her approval of this simple but brilliant plan.

I fell asleep.
(Don Jaime, Sun 25 May 2014, 19:24, 5 replies)