MY CLIENT HAS NO FURTHER COMMENTS AT THIS TIME.
www.b3ta.com/talk/6208225
(INTERNETLAWYERMAN QC: Ace Attorney, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 15:20, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Re.
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/cornwall/8077101.stm

Just in case anyone cares. Stuart Cullimore didn't suffer from the slur and actually won beating the Yellows, Blues and Reds.

I didn't vote for him though, He's a greasy haired twat.
( Peej, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 15:18, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Argh! Another annoying website annoyance
Those self-contained flash ads that pop up in front of the browser, or float in from the side. And it's not immediately obvious where the close button is.

Oh, and banner ads that enlarge like a roller blind as you mouse-over them. Particularly bad when you have to move the pointer from the top of the page, over the banner to get to a link halfway down the page and the banner ad FUCKING GETS THERE FIRST!! causing you to click the banner by mistake.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 15:13, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yes!
Blind people being attacked by animals is normally hilarious, but when it's THIS blind man, it makes it even funnier:
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/8089498.stm
( Cawl, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 14:59, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Massive tools
So, good people of b3ta, when was the last time you got to see, interact with, or just touch a massive tool.

Last week my neighbour was fixing the pump in his pond so I leant him my Stillson. But it wasn't big enough and he had to go and find something else to tighten the nuts.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 14:59, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If you have a life expectancy of 75
Then you split out your life exactly into three; young, middle aged, and old aged.

You are middle aged at 25 and old at 50.

I am middle aged which would explain my love of Radio 4 and the Sunday papers.

So are you a hoody wearing stab bastard, a past it emabarassment of middle age or a piss ridden old codger?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 14:27, 36 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Has anyone heard anything from Bert recently?
He seemed to have a bit of a nervous breakdown and then vanished...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 13:15, 52 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Lunch o'clock
Toasted bagel with generous amounts of cream cheese.

Is there anything better than this?
Well, is there?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 13:08, 30 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've just been canvassed by two Jehovahs Witnesses
I'm at work.

They are walking round an industrial estate trying to hand out their shitty magazines.

What a bunch of fucking stupid cunts. I really have no patience for Jehovahs Witnesses at all.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 13:02, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

YES YES YES YES !!!!
O2 have given me credit to cover that huge bill (222mb @ £6mb) =DDDDD

GET-IN-THERE-MY-SON
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 12:38, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

DiT in a skirt
in replies
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 12:08, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What's the deal?
Sorry for beating about the bush a bit, but:

I completely fail to understand this massive "class" difference with QOTW and Talk Board.
I joined B3TA and fannied around QOTW for a while, then went to Talk Board to explore the site a bit. The convos over there are fun and whatnot and everything was great.

Here is where everything went Royaly tits up.

As usual, being a computer spaz, I encountered a simple computer error with massive difficulty so I seeked the advice of people on Talk Board. A few were gracious and offered solutions, which I used and the problem was destroyed. Going back to the Board to say my thanks to the people who helped, I found myself up to my arse in comments such as "you stupid fuck", "hey dumbass, way to use a computer" and "fuck off you spacker".

How very rude.

Would you kindly help a fellow computer user with a problem? You probably would, as would I.

Then came a comment which disturbed me: "Why don't you fuck off to QOTW, they'll love you there."
Now I'm confused.
They seem to hate QOTWers for some unknown reason, while QOTWers don't talk about it. There needs to be a giant internet handshake and a "sorry for your troubles".

Or a COLOSSAL WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whichever is funnier.
(S.I.M.O.N. wants a piece of your coopcock., Mon 8 Jun 2009, 11:47, 80 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've spent the last three weeks...
/whinge on

...emptying my sinuses hourly, feeling like shit and coughing like an old man to the point that it wakes me up at least twice a night so it's been made official - I'm sick to the fucking back teeth of it.

I'll whore out my peachfuzzed arse to anyone that can make it stop, and the BF will prob give his blessing to boot.

/whinge off
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 11:27, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A North London job centre plus will be receiving a flaming bag of shit by the end of the week
unless Belfast let me know that they've received my backdating dolemoney booklet that I spent an hour filling in 3 weeks ago and another hour today. They are cunts and cuntesses of the highest order.

As you were.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 10:39, 41 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Website annoyances
When I click on a link on IMDB, it opens another window with an advert in. Not content with that, when i follow another link, it'll open another window, even if I don't close the first advert. It'll keep on opening windows on nearly every link.

Another is eBay with their "Keep me signed in for today" which never works.

What website 'features' do you find annoying?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 9:37, 16 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I work on a showground
and this week we are having the National Funeral Show, with LIVE events on the weekend. It's all very exciting I'm devestated I won't be here.

I hope they have Honda Accord Hursts Hearses - fine I can't spell are you fucking happy now?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 9:23, 33 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Something to get your teeth into.
If you could only take one drug for the rest of your life, what drug would it be?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 9:22, 39 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What's all this
Honda Accord references recently?
(knackerz is skinning up, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 9:09, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Shamelessly taken from today's Guardian
but this site is very funny:

Texts people sent when drunk

Well, some of them made me laugh.

[EDIT]. Sorry for the fucked link. I think I should be very concerned that I screwed that up *and* just did a major site update this am. For a commercial site. Used by thousands. Doh.
( I_Was_Mordred, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 8:57, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning peeps.
Thight I'd enquire as to how your weekends were.
Me? I had a lovely time hitting children with sticks* followed by chinese food and an awful Wesley Snipes film on channel 5.

*This part may be false
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 8:56, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Rafe's latest attempt for the Darwin Award...
My dog is clever. Too clever.

His latest attempt for the Darwin Award was yesterday, when he worked out how to open a pedal bin. And devoured the cooked chicken bones inside it.

Am keeping an eye on him, but he seems ok for the moment. Stupid dog.
(Psyche finishes work at the end of June! Yay!!!, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 8:31, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have been listening to the rain bucket down all day long
and it is winter and I'm wrapped up snuggly warm with my duvet. Our tanks are overflowing (which is EXCELLENT) and we have enough water to get us through all winter and spring.
I have chocolate and a fuzzy orange moggy trying to shred my arm for his share.

how has your day been made so far??
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 8 Jun 2009, 6:55, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Disappointed with later episodes
When did Family Guy jump the shark?





( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 8 Jun 2009, 0:33, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Blackberry users
How do you send a picture message or is it just not possible on a Blackberry pearl?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 7 Jun 2009, 19:58, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!
Hello my name is Dave and I'm just 16 years old and last week I had an affair with a 95 year old woman. She lives in the flat upstairs and my curiosity got the better of me after spying on her big old tatty grey knickers hanging out to dry. You see if I tie myself on with my belt and hang over the edge of my balcony I can see her washing quite clearly, and the aid of my binoculars, I can even see where the manky old fanny batter and piss drips have rotted holes in the gusset. As you can imagine, this got me hornier than Johnathan King in Mothercare. [Phwoor, back in a sec]

I was determined to have my way with this little beauty. I would imaging her tits hanging pendulously like spaniel's ears with her nipples touching on her wrinkled belly. This would make my cock like a car jack in seconds. I used to go down in the lift to the cycle shed and sniff her saddle, masturbating furiously like a caged chimp.

I then began popping up to her flat to borrow a cup of maggots or sugar or anything I could think of just to stand close to her and breath in that wonderful aroma of piss and stale biscuits. Ahhhhhh I can almost tatse it. [Hang on, back in a sec]

Where was I, oh yes. One night I had drunk a litre of whiskey and was getting a bit tipsy. I plucked up the courage and took the lift to the next floor. I rang the bell, it was leaking a bit by now, I knocked on her door and there she was. Doris was wearing a lovely matinee dress with a high collar and a body warmer. She didn't have her teeth in which really gave me the right fucking horn, I can tell you. Oh for a long lingering gumjob off Doris. [Hang on back in a sec]

Where was I, oh yes. The booze was helping to calm my nerves, my heart was beating 10 to the dozen and then I faced her, stood as close as I dared and asked her, in a calm, yet assertive manner, "Doris? Would it be alright if I tongued out your baggy clunge?" To my delight and surprise she said "Yes." I nervously entered her flat. I got this lovely warm feeling in my feet as I had trod on one of her many cat's turds, all adding to the wonderful feelings that were stirring in my loins.

She lifted up her dress, I was drooling at the image of her bony fingers sliding up her thighs and there, at the top of her support stockings was the adorable sight of her knickers. They were once white, I imagine. There was a pale yellow map of Cyprus on the front and a shyte-stripe on the back. It looked like someone had drawn a pear on her arse with a Mars Bar. That was it. I stripped off all her clothes, ripped of my trousers and leather spiky pants and porked her right there and then. My mutton dagger was pumping in and out of her saggy old twat. I pulled it out fast making the sound like the last drop of ketchup at the burger van, and rammed it up her dung funnel. My cock was bigger than ever and that's saying something. In fact on the up stroke I swear I could feel her heart beating on the tip of my womb ferret's purple helmet. Just as I spuffed, her back broke with a resounding 'crack' which increased the pleasure ten fold. I politely left her a Cleavland Steamer on her chest and fucked off to work in as a primary school teacher. I'm quite into kids too, but that's another story for another day. Right hands up who came? ...1...2...OK
Now hands up who vomited? Aaaaaaand the vomit takes it.

Cleavland Steamer? See Urban Dictionary, It's on the internet. Oh and while you're there mine are
a. do a diana
b. squid's beak
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Sun 7 Jun 2009, 19:37, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Evening fuckers
I trust you've all had lovely weekends?

My mum was very lovely and bought me stuff to make cheesecake with today as I left all of mine back in Buckinghamshire when I left the ex. So I now have a bright and shiny new cheesecake tin and mixing bowl type stuff...and a lot of oreos to make the base.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 7 Jun 2009, 19:07, 106 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

ALTHEGEORDIE!
*sniggers*
( thealternativefact, Sun 7 Jun 2009, 10:56, 49 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I would like to say
a very happy Bastard Day to Porkylips. I for one will be raising a glass of cider with the roast this afternoon.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sun 7 Jun 2009, 10:12, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

They say HSH is dead...



so have a spooky sunday one ;-)

edit: maybe it actually IS dead after all...
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sun 7 Jun 2009, 8:17, 44 replies, latest was 16 years ago)