right you suckers
I'm off on holiday (again). Skiathos with my little'un and her mum. Should be *interesting* to say the least.

play nicely whilst I'm gone, won't you?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 13:43, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just got reminded of this
the other day I was in the car with my other half when we drove past my mate's house. He was outside loading up his van. As we slowed for the junction just past his house my other half winds down her window to talk to him.

Naturally I inhaled hugely ready to bellow "Scrubber!" at him, but before I got a chance to do so my other half had shouted "Slag!" at him about as loud as she could and sped off.

It shocked the hell out of an old man pedestrian, but I was so proud of her :-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 13:40, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Went to the sex doctors last night with my girlfriend
We're trying for a baby and what with her having some lady-related medical history its proving a little harder than these things normally should be. The doctor made a suggestion, and I kid you not.

He suggested my girlfriend needs to drink more of my spunk.

Not sure on the medical value of this, something to do with antibodies - if I put more of my junk in one orifice its more likely to work in the other. Weird. Is this medically-speaking correct, or is my doctor a big perv?

Also, if you could star in a remake of any Hollywood movie what would it be and why?
( SpankyHanky, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 13:32, 33 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Don't you just hate those twats who have a 'LAST' compo every week over there on the main page?
What silly and petty things annoy the living bloody shit out of you?
(Slip Digby is a meat puppet, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 13:10, 123 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It's good to know I'm not alone
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/8246313.stm

*awaits flaming from Beatles' Arselickers*
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 12:13, 29 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Update On Casey
It looks like the site admins from Victoria's Secret have cleared out a load of votes that looked like they've come from bots and now Casey is the clear leader with more than twice the number of votes than Miss Vapid...

www.bodybyvictoria.com/#/Gallery/880

It looks as if they might have closed the contest early as it now doesn't give you the option to vote. Either way it looks like she's won.

And a lot of it is down to you lovely people from QOTW and /links.

Thanks everyone - I'll keep you posted when the news is official.

Cheers

Edit: If she has won I'll know which hotel she'll be staying in, and when, so I think I'll send over a teddy bear wearing a Union Jack with the message:

"Best Of Britsh From The B3tards"
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 10:54, 48 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So, lets keep today short and snappy
This evening I can either go to the gym, get my sweat on, get home tired yet happy, eat dinner, watch Hollyoaks, watch whatever else is on afterwards and then go to bed.

Or

I can go home, fit the small piece of wooden cornice below the front doorstep which I bought yesterday, varnish the beading I put round the fireplace and then sand part of the worktop and start re-oiling it.

So b3tans, you can decide for me, unless I don't like your decision.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 10:44, 39 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So
How did Derren Brown predict the Lottery outcome last night then?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 10:06, 59 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

where are you all
you bunch of benders
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 9:42, 49 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

If you value your life then stay away from the custard creams.
news.uk.msn.com/odd-news/article.aspx?cp-documentid=149601784
( girlinthehole, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 8:32, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm fucking drunk!
I had therapy tonight, then went straight to the pub!
How wrong is that?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 8:07, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

probably anal
possibly obsessive

certainly sad

definitely too much free time

i just weeded out three b3tards from my friends list

purely because they were not on my fans list (they had their fucking chance)

yes i will burn in hell (but i at least have attained friend/fan symetry)

that is all

this message was brought to you by spimf™ offering a virtual reacharound to b3tards since 2003
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 2:15, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

I made a shirt from calico (untreated and coarse cotton) today!
it's only a first draft and more of a learning attempt than anything else, I'm going to make a better one tomorrow.

Do any of you make your own clothes?
Tell us stories! If there are any to be had, really... 'cos... it's quite a dull subject unless you do it, really, I suppose... bollocks.
(Frozen_Banana Shaved against the grain; thoroughly unrewarding., Wed 9 Sep 2009, 23:52, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So how the fuck
did Derren Brown just predict the six numbers for the Wednesday lottery main draw? It was completely live, in sync with the live BBC draw broadcast, and I can't imagine how he's done it. Of course, it's a trick, but I'm suitably impressed.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 22:49, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

End of Summer my arse
I'm going to Sennen (arse end of Cornwall) for a week next week, the weather looks like it will be cracking, the surf should hopefully be ok, I'll have my band with me and we'll have an ounce and a half of the good stuff.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 19:58, 30 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Home Sweet Home

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 19:34, 58 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I had porridge for breakfast this morning and I have to wear a cardigan in the house at night now.
How has the end of summer encroached on your life?
( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 19:29, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Mrs SLVA is a medical lab assistant
and had to make up some solution or other. A bio-medical scientist (BMS) told her it's a 1:2 solution.

Wife: "So, 100ml of chemical to 200ml of water?"
BMS: "No, 100ml of each"
Wife: "But that's a 1:1 solution"
BMS: "No, it's a 1:2 solution, you use 100ml of chemical and you get 200ml of solution"
Wife: "That's not how ratios work. 1:2 means 100ml of chemical and 200ml of water"
BMS: "no it isn't"
Wife: "Yes it is."
BMS: "No it isn't" (with an air of I've got a degree in medical science and get paid way more than you do.)
Wife: "Ok, so what amounts would make a 1:1?" (with an air of I know what I'm fucking talking about and I've only got a C at GCSE Biology and a D in maths)

Mrs SLVA face-palmed so much that she's actually beaten her face into the shape of a wok.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 18:09, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My wife has slept with 4 people including me and has told me I have an average penis.
Until now I was sure I had a fantastically amazing lovestick

What truths have you been told that stung a bit?
( Peej, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:48, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just went to ride the porcelain bus
to find that a previous passenger had left something unflushed.

I kid you not, this turd was a sphere about 3 inches across. The guy must have been reamed by a fucking elephant's trunk to be able to pass something of that magnitude!

Felt I had to share it with you lot.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:16, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So, almost two years after my 17th birthday
I'm finally applying for my provisional licence. But not because I want to learn to drive, oh no. Just because most clubs don't accept the ID I have.

What have you finally gotten round to? Or, if you're fucking perfect and do everything straight away, what's the most embarrassing picture of you like?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:14, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

CONTROVERSY ALERT!!!
I know I'm going to get pilloried for this by some B3tans but fuck it, I'm a big girl and I can take it but....


Am I the only one who can tell the difference between good natured ribbing and piss taking of each other on here and those B3tans who get off on being a cunt under the guise of, 'Oh I was just having a joke'.


I'm off home now so can't reply to anything for a while.
It's quite plain to me the difference in the posts. I wonder if anyone else notices?
( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 16:07, 104 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Arse
just been made redundant. Anyone need an exceptional IT manager. (yeah yeah so exceptional they made me redundant). But their loss. I'm very good.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 15:15, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Alright?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 14:48, 51 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hello all!
I'm really, seriously, fucking annoyed.

I had my bank card stolen at the weekend, and they emptied my account. I've no idea how they got hold of my PIN, but that's not my main problem.

I've cancelled the card, and put in a fraud claim. I was just on my online banking, and I've seen which cash point they used to withdraw the money. It's the one round the corner from my house, the one I use on 4/5 of my cash withdrawals.

This considered, with the amount I'd been withdrawing beforehand doesn't put me in the best mood. I think the bank is going to turn down my claim, and I'll be fucked.

ARGH!

But this brings me to the question, what is your favourite dish to cook?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 12:17, 146 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Feeds
What fun, exciting, thought-provoking things do you have in your Google Reader/bloglines/RSS reader? I follow a few blogs and comics and an F1 site, but I'm looking for diverse and interesting things to waste more time reading. So, what are your favourite web feeds?

Edit: for the kaoltards, what blogs/comics/sites do you read every day?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 11:46, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm getting too old for this.
I had an evening meeting to attend last night in the arse end of nowhere. I got home at 10:30, feeling suitably knackered after a 13 hour shift at work.

Did I kick off my shoes, have a mug of cocoa and then hit the hay? Or did I sit for another 3 hours drinking wine, talking to the missus and watching videos on rathergood.com?

I really should learn to listen to what my body is telling me rather than think I can still hack the pace these days. What can you no longer do that never used to affect you when you were younger? Or, if you're still young, why aren't you at school/college/university, you skiving scrotes? And turn that bloody music down.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 9 Sep 2009, 11:29, 36 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

dead babies
The girl next to me has come back to work after a long absence that was initially maternity leave...however her baby died soon after being born with a condition she herself suffered from when she was born.

Within 5 minutes of sitting herself down, she pulls out a photo in a frame, of her now deceased baby. A decent photo, nicely lit etc. But the question is, would you draw strength from looking at a picture of your baby that only lived for a week or two. Open yourself up to the 'oh, is that your baby' type observations that will inevitably come from folk as they see the picture. Personally, i would have the photo, but i wouldn't bring it into my work, i think grief is something to be suffered in private.

I don't have a problem with the picture, but i can only imagine that in the long term it would bring or at least prolong the emotional turmoil.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 10:49, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm going to be out at a meeting for most of the day
what are you doing that removes you from the relative comfort of your desk?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 9:04, 40 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What should I watch?
As most of you probably already know I'm currently "between employment opportunities" at the moment and as such have quite a bit of spare time and not much in the way of spending money. However what I do have is a nice fast Internet connection so have been watching an awful lot of downloaded TV however I'm starting to run out of ideas of what to watch next so what would you recommend?

In the last few weeks I've watched/rewatched The Wire, The Shield, The Sons of Anarchy, Space: Above and Beyond The West Wing & Journeyman. I have Without A Trace and The Job waiting in the queue but at the rate I'm going those wont last me long so any suggestions from my lovely b3tans?

Or for the alternative question when did you last stay up all night? *Finally goes to bed*
(bill, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 7:09, 45 replies, latest was 16 years ago)