So, I was in Edinburgh airport recently
and as I walked by I heard a snippet of conversation. An American voice said, "Aw, I never did have one of those deep fried Mars bars".

What conversational soundbites have you eavesdropped on recently?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 10:18, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This place has become spectacularly bad without me
I'm not going to be here much today, but in the meantime try and write something interesting about why you deserve the last place on the last rocket leaving earth when it all comes to an end in 2012.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Sep 2009, 7:48, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Some of you may be aware of the battle I'm having with my neighbour over his evening singing bouts.
He's been quiet for a while but has now started these affronts to my eardrums again.

Having quite an eclectic music collection, I have introduced into my evenings a re-discovery of my drum and base collection, acquired whilst I was a bit of a clubber many years ago.

Of course one must play these CDs loud to get the full on effect of the base line reverb.

Bliss!
( girlinthehole, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 21:47, 41 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Home Sweet Home

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 19:29, 46 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

NSFW The long-awaited (by some) sequel to Hitlercock NSFW
By request from CHCB, I give you, Bert Reynolds:

NSFW Stiffy and the Bandit (minus the Bandit) NSFW

Also by request from an anonymous B3tan (not sure whether they wanted their identity to be known), I am proud to present, Logan:

NSFW Wolverine NSFW

...and yes, I do find it as disturbing as you do.

EDIT and if you're looking at Stiffy, wondering why he seems to be red on top, but covered in blue splotches on the bottom, it could be down to my compulsive masturbation combined with hepatitis B, or it could be because I tried, and failed, to draw jeans and a red shirt on my cock.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 15:43, 46 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

alright?

( Lisette von Falcon, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 14:40, 33 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bad parking spaces
www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1215476/Revealed-The-worst-parking-spaces-Britain.html

Or just people who don't know how big their car is?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 14:15, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

still sprogless
and midwife has arranged induction for next friday, so I'm hugely unimpressed - local healthcare authority won't even consider it beofre then. midwife is fairly sure I'll go as far as next friday without having him.

so I have probably got 9 more days of getting bigger and angrier, just in time to welcome my child into the world. I plan on throttling the little bastard as soon as he's out.
( ascorbate, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 13:10, 24 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Tragedy?
Just reading there about a 4 year old boy who died in a Somerfield in Liverpool

"Harry Blackmore, was swinging on a small steel rail when he fell in the store in Liverpool."

So, like any 4 year old, unsupervised in a supermarket, he was dicking about, doing stuff he probably shouldn't have been doing.

"This is a working class neighbourhood with lots of children. We say that parents should be able to go shopping with their children in a safe environment."

What the fuck has 'working class' got to do with it?

So the parents are suing the supermarket, for what exactly....you could walk into ANY supermarket, even in upper class neighbourhoods, and count a 100 ways a 4 year old could seriously injure or kill themselves.

Maybe she should have had the kid under control, maybe a bit of introspection wouldn't go amiss, maybe she should sue herself....Yes it is a tragedy, yes it is devastating for the family involved and they have my sympathy, but all this aggressive kneejerk stuff can be a bit much.

Alternatively they should watch the brilliant 'The Sweet Hereafter', brilliant film that explores, blame, guilt, shame, responsibility.

But, you know what, sometimes accidents DO happen.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 11:29, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Shattered icons
That bloody advert with Stephen Fry and Paul Merton and their cunting insurance company, is rapidly destroying their iconic status for me.

What have your personal icons done, which disgraces them in your eyes?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 10:36, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Did anyone see Lost Land of the Volcano last night?

Bloody amazing it was, new species abound, incredible scenery and more moths than you could shake a glow stick at.

I loved the part where they found a new GIANT rat, that was completely tame as it had never seen humans, "it's like a little puppy!" they explained, much to the indignation of Musophobics across the land.

Anyway made me wonder if I'm wasting my life in this office, so what would your dream job be?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 9:08, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What sort of cheese do you use to disguise a horse?
Mascarpone
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 9:07, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

In an attempt to prevent Off Topic turning into some kind of fucking Which? magazine or RecoverYourLife
If you had to fuck an animal, which animal would you fuck and why?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 23 Sep 2009, 8:59, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm off to Dublin tomorrow
so any Dublin b3ta'ers, gaz me and I'll see if we could meet up if you are interested (20th anniversary trip with my wife). I'll drink a LOT of Guniess for the people here.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 23:22, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Holiday ideas
Hi folks, as the brightest people i know (depressing isnt it?) can sum1 recommend a holiday destination for christmas.

1. warm
2. cheap
3. not too far

i'm thinking spain or turkey but its been years since i've had a european break and dont know where's good these days.

suggestions on a postcard please?
(bugboybeast, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 22:52, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Is metcheck working for anyone else?

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 20:24, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Home Sweet Recovery

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 18:56, 30 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Heee heee
This has been making me giggle for the last few hours!

I'm also in an awesome mood today, and am making stroganoff for dinner with leftover steak.
What you fuckers up to today?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 18:13, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

A moment of silence please
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/8269057.stm

Chas and Dave have split up.

I proper love them I do.
I've been to see them lots, I've met Dave three times (and have had my photo taken, with his MASSIVE hand around me.)

Don't start going on about crap old Snooker Loopy. They are brilliant musicians and There Ain't No Pleasing You is one of the best lovesongs ever.

What bands do you adore that other people laugh at?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 16:57, 33 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just out of interest.
What is the usual time it takes to get over a broken heart?

It's been five and half months. I figured I'd be fine by now but I seem to be getting worse.

Luckily I can blame the suddenly breaking into tears on my middle-aged hormones.
( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 15:33, 115 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I've just been made permanent
so I can keep my house and won't have to sell my daughter in to slavery and my wife in to prostitution.

I must celebrate somehow.

Also, What's your favourite musical number?

See that fascinating creature, with perfection stamped on every feature, she was plain little Nellie the kid from the deli, but mother of God look what happened to Mabel.
( Peej, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 15:29, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My missus has tasked me with compiling a playlist for our wedding reception on Saturday
so in the spirit of mischief I've planted this little beauty in amongst all of the tunes:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6ljFaKRTrI

There will be about 4 people there who'll get it but that's more than enough for me.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 14:55, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

We need a new thread
So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank those of you who un-friended me when I left, but re-friended me on my return. I have no idea who you are as the list is too long for me to know who has gone and who hasn't, but cheers anyway.

Those of you who haven't re-friended me are all bum-spanking, mongified, loose-knickered anal lice.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 13:11, 74 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh, I can't believe I forgot to share this
The pie people rang me this morning!

More details in replies.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 11:24, 65 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

still no baby
so I'm sulking.

I've got Viz and Private Eye to keep me amused though, so am enjoying what has to be the best top tips/letterbox section in many many years.

Look out for another 'thrilling' update on the morrow...
( ascorbate, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 10:57, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning all!
Following on from my QOTW post I have a question... was there ever a toy that you really, really wanted when you were little but didn't ever get, if so what was it?

Or was there some toy that you wanted when you were a kid, brought as an adult and realised that it was actually quite shit!?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 22 Sep 2009, 10:26, 42 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning
wassup?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 9:27, 38 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Need Help
As some of you know my missus is a doc and she needs some help.

We're looking for cute/funny images or posters we can download and print. They need to be suitable for kids as they're going to go on the wall of the plaster room so kiddies will have something to look at while the scary doctors plaster their shattered limbs....

So when I thought cute, I thought of b3ta...

So help me out please and post the images or links in the replies.

Go on - think of the children......

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 7:58, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I ahve just naired
myself.. it smells like a perm... and stings.... anyone else puttingn chemicals into the atmosphere?
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 1:55, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)