I just managed to spill a 5 gallon bottle of water
all over my kitchen floor. 5 gallons is a LOT and I've used all my bedding, all my towels and 5 of my boyfriends towels to mop it up.

What dumbfuck stuff have u done today?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 19:33, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Just taken delivery of 5 boxes of CDs
fortunately the printing looks the shit, and it sounds good too!

very exciting!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 19:03, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Home Sweet Home

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 18:53, 87 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

just putting this out there
ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/images/MentalComfortZone3.jpg

I don't know how to get it to just show the picture and not the link.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 18:19, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

After going through a few friends profiles today.
(I know Facebook and such) I came across a photo that was taken in 2004. It was taken by a friend who I have always wanted to get the photo from, but kept forgetting, or he kept forgetting. You know what its like. Now, that might not be remarkable, but the content to me is. It is truly heartwarming, and of some who I met.

www.b3tards.com/u/4e9c9e427c4d52f871cc/peel_and_me.jpg

The one with the grey beard, John Peel. Thats me in the green waterproof. It was wet at Glastonbury that year (no surprise). It was taken on the 25th of June, exactly 4 months before he passed away. I am both lucky and saddened.

I just thought I would share this, and hop you guys might have familiar stories.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Tue 20 Oct 2009, 17:55, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

I wonder why?
Glasgow has the unfortunate moniker of being the 'stabbing capital of Europe'. OK, some might say it isn't as bad as the shooting capital, but nonetheless, a pretty horrific accolade.

Personally i haven't been stabbed myself, but my brother-in-law was, he survived despite dying 3 times on the operating table and was only saved by the kindness of a passing driver stopping to take him to hospital.

My point is this, if Glasgow City Council was keen to rid this this badge of horror from the city, then why don't they clamp down on the dodgy shops that sell a terrifying range of weapons, all of which can be browsed comfortably, as they are on display in the shop window. I am talking specifically about a shop called Victor Morris in Glasgow city centre. The sell all manner of 'stuff' from electric guitars and binoculars to crossbows and machete's.

I was in one time, buying some fluid for my smoke machine when in walked 2 textbook neds. What did they want, they wanted 'the big machete in the winday mate'. yes, that's right, they must have been going to Peru for a yomp through a rainforest or something similar....they certainly did not want it to terrify or maim. No way. So what were the security precautions in place to STOP dangerous people buying dangerous items...none. The guy behind the counter merely asked them their name and address, they didn't need to prove anything, and that was it, off they went with a 16" machete. I was absolutely horrified.

Why don't the police shut them down, why don't the council refuse them a license, why don't the just stop selling this stuff out of public safety. it truly boggles my mind. There are a couple of pics in the replies of their chilling 'wares'
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 17:11, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Stalky & Co
I've recently been seeing the mad mother of my little girl once again.

I'm fucking not now.

It has come to my attention that when I lent her my keys the other day to do some washing (her machine is *apparently* broken) not only did she try to get into my laptop but she went through my shredder and has pieced together my last mobile bill. Creepy or what?

There's a backstory too. When I was first seeing her she

a) took a secret extra copy of my doorkey
b) accessed my mobile records by ringing up with my password
c) accessed my Myspace (I know, I know) email history

When I lent her the keys last week i made her promise not to go snooping and she had the temerity to act outraged at the idea.

How fucking scary is all this? My blood is chilled....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:20, 57 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

CHCB and Catface make it legal
so wear a nice hat:
www.b3ta.com/calendar/event/21157
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 13:05, 65 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Who is in the wrong here?
A middle aged female friend from the States posted some pictures of a hen night on her Facebook site. One picture showed one of her girlfriends kneeling down on the floor playing some "hen party type" game picking up ping balls with her mouth.

Although the dress-top the girl was wearing was quite conservative, her posture and camera angle revealed a fair amount of cleavage.

The first comment on the picture was "XX being a good sport but failing LOL"

I wrote "nice cleavage tho"

Within hours the comment was removed- I got a severe dressing down from my friend and i had recieved dozens of very aggressive comments from my friend's mates, thier mates' mates and about a dozen strangers who felt the need to lambast me.

Now had I wrote;
"nice cleavage- fancy a tit wank?"
I could understand the commotion - but the girl DID have a nice cleavage- I was simply making an observation.

So who is in the wrong here ?-

(I know using Facebook makes me a twunt regardless)
(bugboybeast, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 12:47, 45 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dear Al,
I know you put a lot of time and effort into finding the campest bicycle you possibly could, so there's a part of me that's sorry for bringing this to your attention.

Please don't rub all the skin off.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 11:02, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Made an offer on a house.
Got it accepted with disgusting speed. Now the real fun begins, I believe (never bought a house before, so not really sure what to expect). This grown-up lark is slightly scary.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 10:32, 38 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning OT
Really didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Is it acceptable to call an agency and have a temp sent in to work for you instead? Then have another one sent to your house to bring you tea and biscuits?
(stimpy, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 8:57, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Well its that time of year again....
Ive been scouring the net for crimbo prezzies and Ive just bought a shed load of these for my nearest and dearest...

www.jumpinjammerz.com/pajamas

toasty.
(i should have joined myspace, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 22:51, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh dear...
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/8314125.stm

Agree? Disagree?
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 22:49, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

i had to walk out of the room
my wife was getting slightly agitated earlier with my little boy while getting him ready for bed. (he's three and a half) she was asking him to hand her something and he turned with the most innocent little face and casually informed her;

"i can't"
"give it to me NOW!"
"i can't"
"why not"
"because i have no hands"

I had to walk out of the room. my wife was livid. but you had to admire the wee fellas cheek.

at the risk of sounding like an ITV 'send in your videos' pile of crap:

what's the funniest thing a child has said to you?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 22:21, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Al and bert will be pleased to hear that I'm making a retraction
school of comedy isn't funny. Don't know what I was thinking on my first viewing. Unless the first episode actually had some funny bits in it.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 20:14, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Home Sweet Home

( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 19:38, 67 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I love shopping.
A few months ago I was at the checkout in Tesco and was loading my shopping onto the conveyor belt. I took out a 12 pack of canned dog food and a large bag of mixer. A woman standing behind me said, "Ahhh, do you have a dog?" I turned to her and replied in a calm way with a straight face, "No, I eat it myself. I can't afford meat and I make pies with it." She looked shocked and didn't answer me. By now the customers behind her were either shocked or ammusued so I played to them. I turned to her again and said, "Trouble is last time I ate Chum, I ended up in hospital. Drips out me arm, the lot but I thought I'd give it another go". She looked amazed and asked if I had been poisoned to which I replied, "No, I was sitting in the road licking my bollocks and got run over".

EDIT: I piising myself laughing here at you lot. Lighten the fuck up for fuck sake. There are many places where you can be serious. b3ta isn't one of them, you sad bunch of shitwhistles.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Mon 19 Oct 2009, 16:39, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hey there Fatties. I was just discussing this latest terrible attack on /talk by your fuller selves over at the better internet page.
So I thought I best come sort this silly little charade out before it gets out of hand and ultimately a small island on here blames me.
I think the best way to see this through is by having one of your more popular liars say "Sorry" to me, and I shall forward it to the silver-backs on /talk.

Please.
Feel free to go right ahead.
More apologies the better.

No fat birds.


I feel I should point out that they're all making fun of YOU, and I'm not joining in.
You people should also say thank you to me. As whilst on one hand I'm incredibly popular and generally in charge around here, I do not join in with everyone else who makes fun of you.
Please don't come in if you can't handle this. I've no time for QFTW's sympathy seeking types.
( Jam Master Geordie Hero of B3ta., Mon 19 Oct 2009, 16:15, 33 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Elephants
what's up with those knees then?
And mice - are they really scared of them?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 16:02, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bloody Bureaucracy
Why the hell do I need to guessknow my cost centre to fill out an expense claim? YOU'RE the finance department, it's surely YOUR sodding job to know what my cost centre is! I've just asked three people and got three different answers, mostly qualified with "Isn't it...?" or "...I think?"

I'm just going to leave it blank and hope they phone me so I can vent at them.

What's pissed you off at work today? Alternatively for dolescum, what's your favourite Jeremy Kyle episode?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 15:47, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sorry, but this is hilarious:
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/north_west/8313108.stm
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 14:33, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Since everyone thinks I'm sex mad I might as well admit that since hitting 40 my libido has hit the roof.
I now have an idea what it feels like to be a 16 year old boy.

I hate it. I don't want to have lots of meaningless one night stands that will make me hate myself in the morning.

Bring on the menopause please!
( girlinthehole, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 14:21, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What happened?
I was working this weekend, so can someone summarize the threads for me? Were there any more Honda sightings? How are your pets? Did workboresme have her arm amputated? Did BGB put out for her date? Enquiring minds want to know.
(ragged, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 13:16, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

For those of us in favor of a green earth and reduced global warming instead of death to all humanity
I think all Honda attacks should now be carried out by Honda Hybrid's instead of Honda Accords. We must embrace the new era!
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 19 Oct 2009, 12:23, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)