Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
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rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Your Mumor indeed your Dad. Tell me about your parents. Are they a bit "menkle"? Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief?
Alt:
Colleagues. Are they good or bad?
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 9:53,
173 replies,
latest was 14 years ago)
I don't know about my mum but your mum is a right goer.(
girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 9:55,
Reply)
Alt: Colleagues can be put into 1 of 2 categories'good guy' and 'wank'
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:02, Reply)
there is a third category - 'would'(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:02,
Reply)
As did I - my wife and I met as she came to work for me. We don't work together anymore.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:11,
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haha!She says the same about me
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:20,
Reply)
Eh?My ex wouldn't shag you?
I don't blame her, Once you've had prime fillet you're not going to settle for cheap cuts.
Although having said that, she's definitely traded down since we separated. He is over 50% older that her - and looks it.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:30, Reply)
Well, most people on here know about my Mum, so there isn't really anything to say about herMy Dad is ace. He's an ex teacher and part time minister, and one of the friendliest people I'll ever meet. His public speaking is fantastic, I've seen rude waiters become absolutely engrossed in his speeches, despite only being there to serve drinks. If I grow up to be half the man he is, I think I'll have done well enough.
Alt: Most of my office colleagues are excellent, as are many of the bureau staff. However, I don't think much of the MD here, and I'm not too fond of the Sales Director either.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 9:58,
Reply)
Mum: dead.Dad: not dead. Disorganised as fuck, but thankfully free of his second wife, the money grabbing, brain dead fuckwit.
Colleagues: non existent these days.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 9:59,
Reply)
let me put it this way - none of my family were invited to my wedding and I have not told them that I have a daughter.Colleagues - great - they are either people I have hired or people who purchased my company earlier this year (so I like them for buying it).
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:02,
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I'm guessing "they're all cunts".(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:08,
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Exactly.Won't say more as others here have been bored before about me going on about it.
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:09,
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This is the well known b3tan wedding affliction known as 'Craigism'(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:09,
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Edmund.When he married his missus, whilst still being married to his other missus, none of his family came. And his best man died suddenly so couldn't make it either.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:11,
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AhhHelicopter crash? Wolves?
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:12,
Reply)
Google Craig Colclough.I can't remember the specifics.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:13,
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i wish he and bert and roger would all come backfor one last fiery meltdown.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:13,
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I think it would break the internet permanently.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:14,
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That's the trouble, whenever they do, some prick runs off to the mods crying WAH WAH WAH, and it's normally before I get to see any fun.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:17,
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^ ThisOMG someone who's actually interesting is posting, FUCK TO THE MODS we'll never discuss my lunch plans at this rate
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:20,
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do people actually gaz the mods about something as insignificant as a Return of the Bert?although admittedly his latest reincarnation as the Pun Fairy is not the best at all times. "blue pizza". "hartbean". "dogtanian and the three must-get-beers".
that was just fucking spam! AND the 3 i just made up were miles better than any that bert came up with...
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:22,
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I wouldn't even know how to gaz a modOther than clicking on Rob up top^
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:24,
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I reckon so, the mods are generally quite negligent unless someone points osmething out.There was a prick on /talk who was there for weeks going around deleting threads and actually making the place unuseable.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:24,
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Fuck yeah, why is beyond me. It's a misguided knighting instinct that takes over the weaker minded forum posterHow many sexes have ever been achieved from running to the mods on behalf of a damsel in distress. Fucking none, yet it still goes on.
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:25,
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Some of that made sense...Don't think I didn't see that ninja edit.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:26,
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Soz, on the phone and posting(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:28,
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Well, don't do it again.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:29,
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RIP Nakedape he was my favourite poster eva(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:23,
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Oversensitive little darling throwing my toys out of their prams.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:23,
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www.arrse.co.uk/wiki/Craig_Colclough
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Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:15,
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Edmund had nobody whatsoever at his wedding, friends or family they had all died or somesuch(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:11,
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My 'best man' has suddenly, ummm 'died' soz(
Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:10,
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I am amazed that I found one woman to marry me - there's no way I would find another that foolish.(
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:12,
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After 3 years I think the same!(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:13,
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I married you?I was not aware of this. Titgaz immediately wench!
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:16,
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you think my titswould fit on my silly little phone screen?
you'll have to wait til i get an ipad.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:21,
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It's my birthday at the end of next month, you should totally buy me one of those new ipads pre-loaded with naked photos of yourself.I think it'll be fair to say that would be the best birthday present I'll ever get. Wait, second best, first best would be if you let me take the photos on the ipad myself.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:33,
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You've gone from cute and funny and verging on creepy here Gonz.(
girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:40,
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Really? Oh, I just wanted the free ipad, I dont' really mind if the warrenty is invalidated due to obscene content being on it.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:52,
Reply)
Wait a minute....you can buy iPads pre-loaded with titpics of Swipey?
Steve Jobs has maybe jumped the shark there.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:42, Reply)
He's retired, it's all about Tim Cook now, he's the new Steve Jobs.(
G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:53,
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Yeah', I know how your family fills, the postmen lost my invite too. I donno why the postman hates me so much that he would always hide invitations to weddings and christmas meals, donno what I did so wrong to him.
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G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩€, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:22,
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Good Morning!I have a reverse hangover this morning, which, given what I was drinking last night makes my rather smug. I may have a Qwazont later on.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:03,
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Stealth hangover is comingMy bet is at 12.30pm exactly you will start to feel like shit
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:08,
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It's coming!The worst hangovers have a lie in first
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:16,
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I bet it's not.The sun's shining and everything's lovely, I think meff and I discovered a magic elixir last night.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:15,
Reply)
^ thisthe last time I got fairly drunk I had just started to feel smug about the lack of hangover when I realised I was actually just a bit pissed still and it kicked in with a vengeance later on.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:16, Reply)
Want to bet?I'm an annoying cunt and I'll probably prove you wrong.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:17,
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ALsoyou know you're wrong. I am a Man of Steel.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:19,
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Nope, steelMonty has commented on it many times, it's his little nicky name for me.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:28,
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No, not at all.Honestly woman you have gay on the brain. not surprising really.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:41,
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Oooooooo! Comrade and Monty
sitting in a tree
Along comes Blousie
Because it's all about me
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girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:32,
Reply)
If it wasn't so floppy in the first place you'd find it much easier to marmalade it in.(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:43, Reply)
If Monty's anus were not so tight and virginal my massive member would enter more easilyis what I think you're trying to say.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:47,
Reply)
Not quiteMonty spent so much of the 80s off his tits on MDs that he's probably been unknowingly bummed by so many mangy junkies that his rusty sheriff's badge resembles the Channel Tunnel.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:53, Reply)
And still it's a tight fit for me at least.
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:10,
Reply)
Nonsense man, it would be like opening the window and shagging the night(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:31, Reply)
you'll be a man of fucking raw mangled fleshif you don't change that fucking sig.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:26,
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I'm sorry?Are you not a fan of Shakespere?
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CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:40,
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i'm confusedto which thread am i meant to be replying? which party has all the cool kids?
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:09,
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As I started this one, I'm guessing t'other one(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:10,
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There's nowt but tumbleweed in the other on now anyway.(
Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:16,
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where as this one is a hive of frantic activity?(
CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:18,
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It is a bit slow today.I should probably bugger off and get dressed for the day and do stuff.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:22,
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My mum, although I love herdoes my nut in due to her being a complete window licker, and my father was a cunt. However since he's also a dead cunt I don't really feel I can complain anymore.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:15, Reply)
My parents are lovelypretty old scholl so we don't have the closet relationship in the world, but they have never been anything but extremely supportive.
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Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:19,
Reply)
Enough about their footwear!(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:20,
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lets not mention your mum's hush puppies(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:20,
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Yes we wouldn't want to tread on her toes. (
Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:22,
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Everyone has seen my Mam's puppies(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:23,
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Hush puppies?The noise they make slapping together as I do her vigorously from behind is enough the wake the dead.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:23,
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My mother is on her own planet and one sister is making her way there as we speak.My father is lovely but not had that much to do with him and my step-father is a pain in the neck but would do anything for family. My maternal grandmother is a cunt and my grandfather is not as much of a cunt as he used to be.
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girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:22,
Reply)
I saw Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy last nightIt was brilliant. Thoroughly engrossing and preposterously well-acted. Oldman should be frontrunner for that long-overdue golden baldie.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:23, Reply)
I want to see thatit's supposedly very good, but you're the only person I know that's seen it.
Sadly I suspect it's a bit too intellectual for tennis boy so that might be one for the lovefilm list.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:25, Reply)
It really is excellentCompelling and tense throughout. Keeps its cards close to its chest without losing the audience. Does require concentration and a brain, you'll have to decide whether TB can provide one or both.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:29, Reply)
And Oldman is your father or mother?(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:25,
Reply)
i had tickets for the premiereand drinks in the champagne bar first, with the boy.
we decided to spend the evening (it took 10 hours. this is why vodka is a bad thing. i think we repeated ourselves for 9 hours and 50 mins) discussing our relationship and his issues instead and never made it to the feckin film.
this is why the next few events together are alcohol free. especially alton towers next week. alcohol and rollercoasters do NOT mix.
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:28,
Reply)
Christ Swipe, I go away for a fortnightand you've already checked out of AMAZING SEX Central and into Tedious, Unending Relationship Discussion Street?
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:31, Reply)
TURDSThat is the boy's problem. He wants to check in there too
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:32,
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CheersI'll have a pint of Peroni
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:36,
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Were his issues that you were a girland not a boy?
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:32,
Reply)
Hey, you can't call him a bender just because he runs and works outI run and work out, so does Badger. And we're... ah.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:36, Reply)
I think its the preening, rather than the running(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:37,
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His issue being she doesn't sleep on her front(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:35,
Reply)
Mum has just retiredshe was a departmentl head at a secondary school.
Dad is about to retire has was/is a director at an engineering firm.
One of the reasons that I do the things I do is so that I don't have to work with people who are idiots or dickheads.
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WormuIus, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:28,
Reply)
Instead you come on here to get your idiot and dickhead fix?(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:31,
Reply)
I've got an unhealthy obsession with sex-lies, boasting and being needy.(
WormuIus, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:42,
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What do you do Mr. Sewell?(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:33,
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unless you've changed your career dramaticallysince we last gazzed, i have to dispute the last sentence.
(
rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:34,
Reply)
wank yourself to a bloody stump over that sliver of what might possibly be breastin the shower section of the argos catalogue?
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rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:00,
Reply)
Story of my life Sporto(
tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:05,
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And what is it that you do so you don't have to work with idiots or dickheads?(
girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:34,
Reply)
Surely the people who hire you must be a bit dickheady or idiotic?(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:38, Reply)
ong rambling story about being raised by my aunt and uncle, meeting my biological father and him cutting my hand off*/QOTWlols
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:31,
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Needs more sister fancying ala Bert(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:33,
Reply)
Alt: They're not too bad at this placeThe amount of pettiness and sniping that goes on, particularly as it's a small company, amongst a group of 'adults' is amusing. The perennial 'should we have the radio on/what station/what volume?' debate never seems to end.
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Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:43,
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Yep, that's my solutionAlso means I get away with not answering the phones.
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Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:47,
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Wish I couldSadly, these are the only headphones I own, not exactly subtle.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:01,
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Buy some shitty in-ear ones(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:02,
Reply)
Even if I did, I'd still be noticeable with headphones in my ears.I sit directly in the MD's eyeline, and next to my line manager. Don't think I could get away with it, sadly...
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:04,
Reply)
They can't see my screen, I always have google open in a seperate tabAnd over time, I've become very quick with Ctrl+Tab, Alt+Tab.
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Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:07,
Reply)
We were never allowed to have the radio onexcept when doing overtime at weekends. Then it was always Galaxy FM or some such crap. Seven hours listening to the same twelve fucking records being played in a loop... oh how the long hours just dragged by.
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Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:48,
Reply)
Heart FM was the culprit at my last workplaceThey should rename it Bublé FM
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Bill Clay a.k.a. Claudio, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:50,
Reply)
The Prodigy's controversial new .....(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:19,
Reply)
Alt: I've just moved deskswhich has taken me out of earshot of the single most annoying girl I've ever met, and in close proximity to the legion of curmudgeonly bastards and their hygiene issues.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:46, Reply)
MARTIN, 32, TELECOMMUNICATIONS ANALYST FROM NORWICHAND I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE IN THIS LIFE, OR THE NEXT.
I have no idea where I'm going with this, but it sounded funny in my head.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:50, Reply)
This is the perfect thread for you to tell us about your creationist father(
Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:57,
Reply)
What's to say, my dad's a born again christian, I think it was his mid life crisis.(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:01, Reply)
MY NAME IS MARTIN DARTH FOXTROT, ANALYST OF THE TELECOMMUNICATIONS OF THE NORWICHGENERAL OF THE FABULOUS LEGIONS, HUSBAND TO A MINCING QUEEN, FATHER TO A TIRED MEME, AND I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE IN THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:14,
Reply)
I think this is the best one yetMartinsimus Orallius Foxtrotius
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:16,
Reply)
CheersI liked it.
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The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:18,
Reply)
The good thing about this is on b3ta you will be forever 32(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 10:51,
Reply)
My mum is amazing.She's lending me my rent money until Student Finance pull their finger out. Also I got woken up by a knock at the door half hour ago, she'd ordered me a ton of food without me asking or even mentioning that I needed food. She supports me and my brother single handedly, she really is ace beyond words.
(, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:00, Reply)
Are you back up in Newcastle now then Barry?(
sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:01,
Reply)
Then go and give her a kiss on the cheek.But no rimming.
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girlinthehole, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:02,
Reply)
My folks are part of the baby-boomer generationWhich means they are currently spending their retirement far wealthier than I will ever be. Much of their life has been spent eating croissants and drinking wine on balconies.
Alt: Bad - boring, uneducated oiks. Nice enough people, you just wouldn't really want to talk to them ever.
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tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:11,
Reply)
Hmmmwww.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-15014133
Kilospoons ahoy!
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sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:22,
Reply)
In theoryi think this is fantastic idea. I'd love to read first drafts of autobiographies before editors and agents and PR teams have had their hands on them.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:25,
Reply)
Alright Scarpe, I've been looking for my favourite Twitter account and I can't seem to find it. I know I only followed it for one day, but it was the best (and only) one that I've read so far.
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Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:28,
Reply)
Aw, bless you RoryI'm sure you can find it if you want.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 22 Sep 2011, 11:35,
Reply)
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