OK I am really fucking bored now.
Suggest to me either comical or helpful ideas for a new career for me. I fucking hate my job. I get almost no satisfaction from it at all and it's sapping my will to live.

Alt: What's your dream job? Do you have your dream job?

Alt alt: What's made you proud recently? On Sunday morning my daugher said to me 'I want to die like Jimi Hendrix, daddy' and then mimed smashing a guitar up. Fair brought a tear to my old eyes, I tell you.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:09, 190 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

What key skills do you have?
Alt: I'd like to have been an architect, if I had the talent.

Alt alt: My wife's dedication post birth to get fit puts me to shame.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:11, Reply)

She's having plastic surgery?

(Bazongaloid, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:13, Reply)

nah, just good old fashioned excercise and healthy eating

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:13, Reply)

Urgh, sounds shit.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:15, Reply)

I am great at communication.
I have lots of experience of copywriting - dull though it is, it's probably the most fun I get out of work. A lot of my job is tedious admin and I am the last port of call for complaints as I am so utterly charming. My job is managing an online and catalogue retail operation so I can do and have done lots of different things from print management to people management - the problem is that it's dull as piss and I hate it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:14, Reply)

Sounds like a decent range, leasving more avenues than you might imagine open to you
It is always worth remembering that when a job spec asks for "5 key skills" they'll often settle for less if you can be trained in the others and bring other qualities, such as charm.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:16, Reply)

I'm overskilled and overqualified it would seem.
Even for jobs that are carbon copies of roles I've already fucking carried out for several years. I feel plan B may come into operation if I don't get this job on Friday.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:23, Reply)

I fear your part bof the country has suffered more in the last few years with job cuts
If you are over qualified, then aim high, CEO DG.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:25, Reply)

It has indeed.
Nah, don't fancy that to be honest. Also I've had management responsibility for staff in the past and I really didn't enjoy it.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:33, Reply)

Is plan B to "do a moaty"?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:26, Reply)

Nah, self employment working from home.
the only thing putting me off at the moment is space; the flat would need a major rethink in order to give me sufficient room to do what I have planned.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:32, Reply)

Build daleks?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:53, Reply)

Nothing that ambitious.
Besides there's already a company out there licensed to make then so I've kind of missed that boat a bit...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:54, Reply)

You can do cheap knock offs
and call it Doctor Whom and the Darlecks
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:56, Reply)

*click*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:26, Reply)

Dr Wog and the Darkies

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:33, Reply)

My friend works for M&S copywriting, I can ask her if there's any jobs going.
What salary are you expecting?
(PsychoChomp, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:25, Reply)

You should be a police sniffer dog

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:14, Reply)

I don't think the sniffer dogs get to keep the drugs they find.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:18, Reply)

Ok how about the officer in charge of contraband at the MET?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:20, Reply)

I think Monty could possibly make a great bent copper

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:25, Reply)

He's dangerous, but has a heart of gold and nothing to lose

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:26, Reply)

Lord Mayor of Middlesborough

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:14, Reply)

Middlesbrough? Fuck that shit, fuck that shit.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:15, Reply)

You should be the lead singer in popular rock group "Combichrist"

(Bazongaloid, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:16, Reply)

I feel I have the necessary angst for this role.
Plus my 'fuck it' attitude when it comes to 'that shit' would also be beneficial.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:19, Reply)

DJ obviously.
Or maybe an author? Daily Mail Columnist?

Alt: I don't have one. My current one's not bad, not the most exciting but the money's OK and my employers are decent, I'm happy with it.

AltAlt: Something son-related that is boring to everyone but me I expect.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:15, Reply)

I have thought about writing historical novels.
When I am unable to sleep, wired to the tits on MDs I try to come up with plot ideas but they are all without exception a) shit and b) accidentally nicked off someone else.

Another problem is paying the bills whilst I would write such a thing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:16, Reply)

I have this problem.
I wanted to be an author, but while I could do characters and worlds I could not make up plots to save my fucking life. I'd have ended up using the basis 'fantasy' plot of travelling halfway across the world to accomplish X while overcoming Y and meeting Z on the way. Damn my pride.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:20, Reply)

Neither of these hindered J K Rowling

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:29, Reply)

This^

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:33, Reply)

What Ape said.
I nearly thought about jacking in the Jobcentre years ago and retraining as an architect. The cost involved put me off, though. And the length of the training.

Alt: I wouldn't say my last job was my dream job, but I certainly enjoyed it and wouldn't mind doing it again. No idea what my dream job would be though.

Alt alt: Fuck all really. I suppose the missus being recommended for a potential job is a measure of how much experience she has, but it would appear that the head of the school is already moving goalposts which are now making an attractive option appear less viable.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Wha? What's going on, I thought she already started the new job?

(Bazongaloid, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:17, Reply)

She's doing a trial, two days a week as she currently works 3 days and has to give a month's notice.
The head was off sick on Friday when she went in for a chat, and yesterday has decided that she will start on £3.5k less than the other learning support assistants and be employed on a month by month contract in case the kid she will be responsible for moves on again (he's been chucked out of two schools in a short space of time already). This is not what she was told last week. Therefore it's a case of does she accept this role, as it's still a lot better money than she's on, and leave behind a relatively secure if crappily paid job, with the risk that it could only last a couple of months?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:21, Reply)

That is, as Monty would correctly summize, "Fucking Shit".
Can you give her a big smoosh from me please.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:25, Reply)

It is, and I will.
I've told her to call his bluff at the end of the trial. They're desperate for qualified and experienced autistic support, she fits the bill for this perfectly and the assistant and deputy head both think it stinks that the head isn't willing to pay her on a comparable salary because the other LSA's take on additional responsibilities such as coordinating school clubs etc. But giving intensive 1-1 support is a full time, mentally draining job in itself so why should she be penalised for not having time in the working day to do other things?

She really needs to say at the end of the trial "If you want me you need to pay me the going rate same as all the others, and offer a more robust contract, otherwise I'm not willing to give up a secure job and salary. Plus my husband's a massive sponging doley and if I end up losing my job as well we're fucked."
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:30, Reply)

I think the last line may need to be edited

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:33, Reply)

You reckon?
Hmm.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:35, Reply)

I feel it weakens the argument somewhat

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:36, Reply)

Possibly a more carefully chosen turn of phrase then.
Plus my husband's a massive sponging doley and if I end up losing my job as well we're REALLY fucked."
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:37, Reply)

GIZZA JOB PAL

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:38, Reply)

That's shit.
I am going to write an angry letter to smeone.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:57, Reply)

I reckon I know what he's thinking in all this.
Which is that she's so badly paid now that she'll be grateful for any increase in salary. Yeah, OK, it is a much better salary she's being offered, but if every other LSA starts at a certain level why should she be any different?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:03, Reply)

I agree with your plan.
Call his bluff. I would assume it's not a job groaning at the seams with suitable applicants.
( girlinthehole, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:05, Reply)

She's got nothing to lose.
At least if he refuses to change the terms of the offer, she's still got a job. If she wasn't employed at the moment I'd say go for it. But we just can't take the risk right now.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:12, Reply)

Also, they are desperate for someone to come in for this kid
as he has huge behaviour problems that none of the other support staff can handle, and it's a special needs school, ffs.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:28, Reply)

The pe teacher should batter the little cunt
he can touch him up as well if he really wants
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:30, Reply)

Tie him to the wall bars
and flick his nuts with a skipping rope.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:33, Reply)

But is she dangerous with a heart of gold?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:29, Reply)

Childrens TV preesenter

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:17, Reply)

Hi Kids, it's Sweary-Grumpy Man here...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:18, Reply)

Well most of them get caught with MDs at some point so you're a step ahead

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:19, Reply)

Smackerjack

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:20, Reply)

Going Wired

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:22, Reply)

Why Don't You?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:22, Reply)

Boozeround

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:23, Reply)

This would actually work quite well.
Most kids shows have quite a psychedelic element these days and he's actually pretty sweet with kids. Uncle Monty's Magic Hour...
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:21, Reply)

Hour Mushroom hunt: Join Uncle Monty for laughs aplenty as he forages in the woods for fly agarics and other psilocybin treats.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:31, Reply)

It would work I tell ya.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:33, Reply)

I'd watch that.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:48, Reply)

It is possible that your best option is just to allow your will to live to drain away.
Alt: Always musician. I'm not greedy, I don't want fame or riches, just enough to be able to live on without having to work 9-5 as well.

Alt alt: Slip her some barbiturates in her milk at night.
Soppy answer: my son constantly makes me proud, they just seem to have that knack.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:23, Reply)

You're not supposed to get a massive stonk on at bath time you know.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:24, Reply)

You think bed time would be more appropriate?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:26, Reply)

Well a nice warm drink just before sleep does help, you know

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:31, Reply)

I think you'd make an excellent celebrity chef
Alt: I don't have a job at all *weeps into her cup of tea*
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:23, Reply)

That's a great idea.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:48, Reply)

NO IT'S NOT, YOU'D BURN THE CURRY

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 14:16, Reply)

What do you actually do at the moment?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:24, Reply)

MASSIVE DRUGS! LOLOLOLOLOL.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:25, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1459825
(Bazongaloid, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:25, Reply)

what Al said

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:45, Reply)

What I said in reply

(PsychoChomp, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:51, Reply)

i want to write award winning screenplays
and novels from my balcony in the caribbean. please.

you should come and write them with me.

i am proud of myself for my creative writing masters results, esp as i did it alongside my job. and my nephew got man of the match in his rugby match on sat, which was cute.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:50, Reply)

Well done indeed.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:54, Reply)

muchas gracias!
still wondering whether to appeal the distinction - to miss it by 0.4% has gutted me a bit!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:57, Reply)

I missed getting a first by two points when I did my degree.
Most people would be gutted by this but considering I did my course at a time of really major upheaval in my life I was as chuffed as a dog with two cocks. I expected much less.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:59, Reply)

my first degree was the same
but i was an english student, i did fuck-all work and missed a first by about 1%. my 2 best mates, who did law and clinical sciences, worked like a pair of bitches all year, and i still beat them. when i whined about just missing a first, i thought they were actually going to kill me. kill me dead!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:01, Reply)

After a great deal of thought,
I think you would make a top notch school crossing attendant.
Only about 1 hours work per day, and a smashing dayglo coat. The rest of the time you could write the great english novel.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:52, Reply)

My brother wants to be a postman.
He is not joking.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:18, Reply)

My neighbour's a postie.
He loves it. Mind you he wiped old people's arses before he started at the Post Office, so I guess anything's an improvement after that.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:22, Reply)

Pub by lunchtime every day, This is what my dear old bro dreams of.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:24, Reply)

It's a fair enough aspiration.

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:25, Reply)

I just want a job where I only work five days a week and I have a nice window to look out of.
I don't think this is too much to ask.

Oh and pays at least what I earn now. Maybe account management stuff WOO EXCITING. But I did enjoy doing that
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:55, Reply)

I'd like to work for a charity of some sort.
I need to feel like my job is worth while.

I haven't felt proud about anything or anyone for quite a while now.
( girlinthehole, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:56, Reply)

Oh and I think you'd make a great pimp.

( girlinthehole, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:58, Reply)

ha, this looks like a note to yourself!
and i agree with it.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:01, Reply)

If only 'being a massive bigot' paid well.
I'd be sorted.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:17, Reply)

Daily Mail Columnist!

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:30, Reply)

Oh yeah!
I could fire off a page of outraged bluster by nine each morning, leaving me free to pursue my real love - enebriation.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:32, Reply)

Hopefully the sub-editors would sort out any spelling essues

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:34, Reply)

I wish you well if you do decide to go looking for another job, Monters.
This is an example of the sort of job descriptions I'm encountering at the moment:

"You will deliver outrageously brilliant customer experiences by developing great communities which are tailored to individual needs."

Really? Outrageously brilliant? I don't know whether laugh or cry at the utter wankery of phrases like that.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:57, Reply)

I hope the person who wote it was taking the piss
If not I hope Monty ends up working with someone who uses that kind of phrasing
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:58, Reply)

You are a mean-spirited harridan.
I think I'd be outrageously brilliant at that job.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:15, Reply)

I reckon it's ironic.

( girlinthehole, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:58, Reply)

Don'tcha think

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 12:59, Reply)

*Wades through spoons*
Sadly, I think it's entirely serious.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:00, Reply)

This is the first time I've pitied your situation

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:00, Reply)

It's more than a little bit soul destroying reading drivel like that.
*Holds head in hands and weeps*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:04, Reply)

Don't really want customers to be outraged at all.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:02, Reply)

Reading that, I think my best job might be 'hermit'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:13, Reply)

Open a second hand record shop.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:02, Reply)

Yeah they all make money!

(PsychoChomp, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:03, Reply)

'I'm sorry sir that one's not for sale.
Neither's that one.

ERR!!! WHY DO WANT TO BUY *THAT* ONE? IT'S FUCKING BENT - YOU IDIOT'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:08, Reply)

Basically you would be the guy in Hight Fidelity, but less bent and with more drugs. sounds good to me.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:11, Reply)

Terrible, terrible book.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:13, Reply)

Hornby really is an awful cunt, isn't he?

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:15, Reply)

Entirely without merit.
He would best serve society by donating himself to a pig farm, as fodder.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:16, Reply)

I quite liked it.
I also didn't hate the film which amazed me. Still you'd expect nothing less/more of me.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:16, Reply)

You oaf.
It was ghastly. What upset me most was the number of people who thought I'd like it, simply because the malfunctioning Deacon at the centre of the tale 'likes records'. For God's sake.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:23, Reply)

OH HAI JEFF!
You look lovely today
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:21, Reply)

???

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:55, Reply)

I have my dream job, tee hee eee. Well, one of them, anyway.
I reckon you should sale the flat and fuck off out the country.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:03, Reply)

Maybe you could do one of those jobs where you go around schools and the teachers point at you and say "listen up kids, this is what happens when you don't study and do drugs".

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:05, Reply)

If I didn't have my daughter I would love to.
For £35 I could get a Canadian passport and try my luck over there - but as father I could never do that.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:06, Reply)

How olds your daughter?
Isn't she of the age where she'd be over it by the time she's a teenager? It might be for the best, that.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:11, Reply)

Thus speaks a man without kids.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:12, Reply)

Well yeah', I'd rather wait until I'm in a long term loving relationship before creating a child.
Haha, only joking, I've not been laid in years now, not always through choice.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:18, Reply)

I just meant that walking away from your hcild is not physically possible if you have any more decency that a Jeremy Kyle guest
WHicj Monty, bless his little black heart does.

But it's not a thing you're aware of until you spawn.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:20, Reply)

ugh still don't get why people spawn
I mean you can't even sell them nowadays.
I reckon if I could get 20k a kid I'd pop a few out
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:22, Reply)

I figured atheists need some reason to exist.
Passing on my genes was the best I could come up with.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:25, Reply)

I'm going to save all the money I would have spent on kids and buy a ridiculous supercar

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:26, Reply)

Good plan.
Going rate seems to be about £4k a year.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:38, Reply)

Personally I didn't plan to.
Evidently my semen are persistent little blighters. It's not something I plan to repeat either, this does not change the fact that the little bugger is part of me and I'd die for him.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:32, Reply)

^ this

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:35, Reply)

Ahh, Monty
We are like twins, innit?
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:37, Reply)

I think it's fair to say both your lives have been blighted by the tretious decetefullness of a women you trusted with your penis....
... but it can be undone, if you kill each other's kids, you'll both be even, and you both can go ahead and lead decent lives again.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:43, Reply)

Not really in my case.
I genuinely loved the nutter and while the kid was a mistake it seemed like a good idea at the time, in the haze of love. He remains the best thing to come out of the relationship. WHile it was not what I would have chosn, it's not something I'd change either.

I hate it when parents say stuff like this, but it's hard to understand if you don't have kids. The bond is something it's really hard to understand, it's like falling instantly in love with someone, but with no sexual element and the knowledge that it will never end.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:47, Reply)

Only the lucky few experience sexual urges

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:50, Reply)

Nah', I can imagine it, like if I had a dog like a labrador.
I once heard someone describe their child as "The best mistake I ever made", which I really liked.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:58, Reply)

Have you considered
Selling your child for medical experiments, not only would it free you to travel to Canada but you would get some useful spending money to tide you over.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:23, Reply)

I nearly clinched a deal with some ex-pat Germans working out of Bolivia
but it fell through at the last minute when they found out she wasn't blonde.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:30, Reply)

Well, that would be stupid, you wouldn't exactly key your own car, would you? Go nick the neighbour's kids.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:32, Reply)

Curse those Germans
and their exacting standards
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:34, Reply)

Have you considered working in a box factory?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:09, Reply)

Now you come to mention it, no.
Hmmm. I like boxes - I like manufacturing....THIS COULD WORK!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:14, Reply)

Don't bleed over the boxes
They don't like that
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:17, Reply)

I ain't got time* to bleed
*money
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:19, Reply)

OMG I'm going to find a job wrapping presents
I love wrapping presents
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:17, Reply)

I wrapped about 8 last night.
The mountain has begun
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:18, Reply)

I'll give you a tenner to wrap mine.
I hate wrapping presents.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:18, Reply)

DONE!
You need to supply the paper
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:20, Reply)

I have paper and ribbon and sticky bow things
and sellotape. you'd need to come to New Cross though.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:21, Reply)

I have nothing else to do and a bus pass!

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:23, Reply)

Does 'The Venue' still exist in New Cross?

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:32, Reply)

I suppose I could just google that actually.

( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:32, Reply)

Well it appears that, yes, it does.
But all it does these days is put on tribute acts.

Including a Kasabian tribute act. Who the fuck likes Kasabian enough to go and see a Kasabian tributue act? I bet even Kasabian don't like Kasabian enough to go and see a Kasabian tribute act.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:33, Reply)

People who live in New Cross, innit?

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:36, Reply)

Sadly, yes.
Mostly cover bands, going by the posters.I have not ventured in there.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:33, Reply)

Yeah, that's what I just saw.
Shame, I liked it there. Saw Carter The Unstopabble Sex Machine there a couple of times.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:34, Reply)

I don't know, but 'The Will To Live' certainly doesn't.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:33, Reply)

I'm getting to quite like it there lately actually.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:35, Reply)

I jest.
When I went to Stunned's house I found the area to be rather nice in parts. Paying nearly £40 for a black cab home was not, however...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:49, Reply)

Yeah, but the locals would take one look at you and realise that you really weren't worth mugging

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:51, Reply)

Stunned lives in Lewisham
On the one hand Lewisham proper is worse than New Cross, on the other he actually lives out of the centre in nice but and I do not. Where I live is a shit hole, but I enjoy the element of having 3 or 4 distinct communities on my doorstep, depending which way I turn.
( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 14:20, Reply)

you could get a job
working at the final process of a sweet factory, placing Thorntons finest into its containers
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:25, Reply)

Hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:30, Reply)

Or perhaps start a landscaping business in a hilly area.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:32, Reply)

Or get a job operating a machine-gun in the back area of a bomber.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:33, Reply)

Hahaha

(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:38, Reply)

Or maybe take up as an armed robber in the land of 'Bum'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:34, Reply)

I don't get what's going on here, I don't get it at all.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:35, Reply)

Fudge packer

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:36, Reply)

Well, fuck you too, then. It was only an innocent question.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:39, Reply)

Y'know, 'chocolate wrapper' nudge nudge

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:38, Reply)

Are you coming onto me?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:39, Reply)

No, and I'm not talking about crazy golf either you dirty old cunt

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:40, Reply)

HAHAHA, coming onto me AS FRIENDS, hahaha, yeah' right, as if I would..... with you.... with me.... hahahaha.... yeah' right. coming onto me AS FRIENDS.
Oh roots, one day I'll learn to say "Hello, how are you?".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:45, Reply)

I'm fine thanks, P Pops.
How's yerself?
Any truffle choc/recipes?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:46, Reply)

Not bad thanks, not bad at all =)
I like the modern ususal way of doing things, using ingredients such as wassabi, chili or salt. I think if you want something really unusual. In terms of unusal flavours that I think would work, I think a jellfied puree of Sharron Fruit would be nice.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:53, Reply)

Should I put fresh chillis or chilli flakes?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:54, Reply)

Neither, if they're coming our way.
I slept in till 10 o'clock this morning. It was well ace.

How are you today?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:56, Reply)

Don't worry, you'll get traditional stuff, like my Rocky Road bars.
My uncle Nicolas would love the chilli.
I have my already tried-and-tested ones on standby too.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:59, Reply)

Considering it's raining in stair-rods outside
how can the sun be shining right in my bloody eyes?
British weather is just weird.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 14:01, Reply)

I'm fucking shattered

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 14:04, Reply)

Personally, I think fresh, but naturally they won't last as long. The fresh ones have a sweetness that dried ones don't seem to have.
Another idea would be to jellify a mulled beverage such as cider or wine.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:57, Reply)

I had some mulled wine jelly the other day, it was surprisingly good!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:57, Reply)

Oh man, I wanna make some of that now.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:59, Reply)

yeah I might do some jelly fillings.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 14:00, Reply)

I made lemon infused treacle tart with vanilla salt last week, you would have liked it

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:57, Reply)

Oh wow, I bet that's good.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:59, Reply)

Probably, dirty whoor that she is.

( CQ Knows the truth, all of it., Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:40, Reply)

The jokes are, in order
Fudge Packer
Uphill Gardener
Rear Gunner
Bum Bandit
Arse Mechanic etc etc
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:45, Reply)

I read this as Brum
But it doesn't really make much difference
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:40, Reply)

Kipper tie?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:46, Reply)

'You fucking Brum Bandit'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:50, Reply)

Or get a technician's job in a garage that specialises in 'Arse'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:34, Reply)

or help dung beetles push their wares
or creep around at night to partake in the theft of feces
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:40, Reply)

Get a job at a sewage farm
where your duties are to use a long pole to dislodge feacal matter when it become stuck.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:41, Reply)

HAHAHAH
omg you're so witty and clev.... chompy?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:41, Reply)

Oooo, sick burn dude.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 13:44, Reply)