Moving on.....
They say everyone has one good [book/film/video game/whatever] inside them, tell me about yours !
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 15:49, 206 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

a hundred chapter ones
and ten "act I, scene i"s to date.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 15:51, Reply)

How many start with something really cheesy like
"It was quiet... too quiet"
(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 15:52, Reply)

none of them
they are brilliantly incisive and not remotely bitter pieces of chick lit all about men and relationships.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 15:55, Reply)

"It wasn't what he said it was how he said it"
"he didn't reply to my text for 2 hours, he's cheating on me"
that sort of thing?
(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:02, Reply)

I think it might go like this....
"There is these bloke, right, yeah', and he's like on the internet and stuff, yeah', and he goes by the name of Gonz or Pauly Pops or something like that, I donno, depends on the day, innit. Anyway, yeah', he's this geezer, yeah', and you know I quite like him, yeah', you know what, I reckon I should totally pay his mortgage and stuff, 'cus he might send me bumhole pictures, yeah', and I bet it's alright, I'd like that."
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:09, Reply)

I wish internet "women" would pay my mortgage.
I'd love some more disposable income. I need to fix my roof.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:10, Reply)

I never really thought that it would be a guy sending a girl bumhole pictures, always thought it would be the other way 'round.
Times are changing, al, it's a whole new world out there.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:11, Reply)

I'm hoping it's chaging
into a world where two guys can high five over a ladys back without having that awkwardness when they catch each others eyes.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:12, Reply)

One day me and you will rent out a midget, so we can be even closer than last time !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:19, Reply)

the excitement never stops eh?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:28, Reply)

it would have done once
but after your tender emails about him holding you in his arms last night i know that you two belong together, and i don't want to be that sort of a homewrecker.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Can I have my bumhole photos back then please?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:26, Reply)

does
a 2 hour delay on texts mean he is cheating? christ, what does it mean if he leaves it 2 days to reply?

other than that he will shortly be wearing his balls as earrings.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:14, Reply)

Well Gaz someone chapter 1
And let them write chapter 2.

They in turn, can pass chapters 1 and 2 on to someone else.

OffTopic could have a finished book by Friday.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:12, Reply)

It would be fucking awful though, as well you know.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:12, Reply)

Your point being?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:13, Reply)

that doesn't mean it won't get published
cf. twiglight, anything by dan brown, stephen Baxter, any celebrity's work
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:34, Reply)

I keep thinking of a film idea called Cliche
Where the plot is all cliched ideas from films (i.e. the DA wants my badge, etc), but done really well and in a cool way
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 15:52, Reply)

PostmodernLOLZ

(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:04, Reply)

Yeah
something like that. This may be why I'm not a writer!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:18, Reply)

just watch The Wire.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:30, Reply)

I'm actually writing a game script
I was looking to make it into a Choose Your Own Adventure style app for the iPhone, as the basis of a portfolio for applying for game design jobs. I have a LONG way to go.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 15:55, Reply)

looooong job.
I've semi given up on iPhone App development, and moved to iPhone Web App development. There is only _one_ thing lacking in the APIs, and that's the ability to upload pictures.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:10, Reply)

what happened with Cafe girl Gonz?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:12, Reply)

Tomos ! deffo, gonna go there for a breakfast and see if she fancies a drink sometime.
I fell into the trap of thinking about it too much, sad times, built it up a bit and it came scary and I chickened out. I sometimes wish I had a bit more self esteem, like, in real life.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:14, Reply)

Make sure you do pal
If the firework shop redhead is there tonight when I take my grinder back I think I will do the same. She is lovely.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:17, Reply)

Nice one !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:19, Reply)

You borrowed a grinder from a ginger girl
And you now want to take her our for a pint?

Brilliant.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:21, Reply)

I bought one and the thread went
I'm a sucker for a ginger.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:22, Reply)

Are you saying that you want Mick Hucknall's cock in your mouth?

(Cave Duck, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:24, Reply)

gobble gobble

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:25, Reply)

Is she 'proper fit'?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:26, Reply)

I think so
but my track record has been slated by my friends. She is pretty skinny, pale, long red hair, wore cool shoes and I liked her hat.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:27, Reply)

Does she time travel
In a blue box?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:31, Reply)

Very long job, especially as I can't code for shit.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:13, Reply)

Do it as a web-app, would be so much easier in HTML and some sort of server-side-language, than C#.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:15, Reply)

Good idea
I know a wee bit of HTML, and what I don't know I can likely wrap my head around.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:20, Reply)

Do you know javascript at all?
This thing is fucking amazing, I've managed to do things I couldn't dream of doing before: jquery.com/
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:22, Reply)

In my mind, jQuery and HTML5 has killed Flash.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:28, Reply)

My book is called.
'Whatever happened to the blone haired girl?'

Set in modern times, it's the story of a man who enjoyed being served in a coffee shop by the same girl everyday. With warm smiles of both sides and the occasional free muffin, the flirting was subtle but noticeable.

Then, one day, she wasn't there anymore.

You'll be delighed to know the story has a happy ending.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:05, Reply)

I hope when this is published your nom de plume will be JeffTheDogFucker - I think it will help the book stand out on the shelf

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:07, Reply)

Me too.
Granted, I have to write the book first - but I want my own section in Waterstones. I want people to come into the shop and say, 'Have you got the new one by JeffTheDogFucker?'
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:09, Reply)

When you get interviewed,
Will you let the reporter call you Jeff, or will they have to call you Mr TheDogFucker?
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:27, Reply)

I'd not considered that.
I think I'll have to have 'Jeff' as a first-name and 'The' as the middle name.

Meaning reporters can call me Mr DogFucker. If they get offended or owt, I'll tell them I'm part German.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:34, Reply)

But you'd be so famous that you'd just be known by your last name.
I can just imagine Tom Paulin* on Newsnight Review "Of course the thing about DogFucker is..."


*Is he still on? I haven't seen it for ages.
(Cave Duck, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:17, Reply)

God rest her soul.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:14, Reply)

It'll be a tale of missed opportunities,
Romance and love.

I might add some dog fucking if the story needs padding out a bit.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:17, Reply)

arn arn arn!

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Brunette, but i hope it ends well =)

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:32, Reply)

I've written the music to my song
but it's really hard to record it well using my amateur skills and equipment
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:10, Reply)

I can record it alright
but I need better mixing abilities to make the end product sound better. Actually, even the recording isn't that great, I'm hampered by my lack of ability.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:13, Reply)

it's a weird song which makes it hard to record.
odd time signatures in places, and it's the sort of thing that sounds great when played live, but awful and thin when recorded.

I might try it on my new electric 12 string and see how that comes out.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:19, Reply)

any good studios in Exeter?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:17, Reply)

bit lacking
been to a great one in Plymouth though
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:18, Reply)

still it's not ideal though is it.
I thought Bris would be closer for you than Plym?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:20, Reply)

naa, plymouth takes like 45 mins to an hour
brizzle takes an hour 15 or so depending on the shitty stretch of the M5.

I've done a load of adequate recording at my mate's place, but there's something about my song that just doesn't come out right.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:28, Reply)

Captain Hood Butter has one in his garage near Ely.
If he likes your stuff he might help you out, find his account and gaz him.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:20, Reply)

But you should watch out as he'll be having a dreadful mid life crisis
posting about it on the internet and then pretend he was being ironic.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:21, Reply)

probably shouldn't mention that in the gaz.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:23, Reply)

I couldn't work with him
he looks like he drank from the wrong Grail.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:26, Reply)

I have this idea for a book,
I'm going to call it "Dusk" Or something mysterious and romantic like that. And it'll be about this plain, normal girl who moves to a new school and has no friends and totally won't be based on me at all, but everyone will think she's dead hot and then the mysterious, handsomest boy in school will totally fall for me- I mean her - and whisk her off to the woods and it turns out he's a vampire - but not a scary vampire, a beautiful one who sparkles in the sun, because no one like people catching on fire and horrible things like that - and he's all broody and totally like the perfect man and will love me til the end and NEVER LEAVE ME. And then I'll make loads of money AND THEN YOU'LL ALL SEE!!!
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:19, Reply)

I have to end you now

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:20, Reply)

It's ok,
I would rather gouge out my own eyes with a rusty spork than wath the films or read the books.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:24, Reply)

I've watched them
Because I'm that good a boyfriend to the missus.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:33, Reply)

Wow.
You're a better man than I ever could be.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:37, Reply)

I sacrifice my own enjoyment for others
Sad but true.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:38, Reply)

I'm far too self centered for that.
Sad but true.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:41, Reply)

Sometimes I wish I was more selfish
It's not like I always enjoy being selfless.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:43, Reply)

Then it ends with you fucking a dog right?

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:21, Reply)

No, it just gets started with that

(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:22, Reply)

Tsk.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:22, Reply)

Plenty of bitches to go round homez

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:24, Reply)

That's the next book.
I'm totally going to have two mega-hot guys fighting over me. Isn't that every girl's dream??? But there'll be no fucking because sex before marriage is WRONG and you'll go to HELL.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:22, Reply)

I don't know I haven't met every girl yet.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:24, Reply)

met raped
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:29, Reply)

hilariously unnexpected.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:30, Reply)

unexpected surprising sex
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:31, Reply)

surprising bad
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:32, Reply)

I've never been involved in bad sex
Thank you very much.
(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:43, Reply)

bad consensual
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:46, Reply)

check the mouseover predictable

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:47, Reply)

Well, I didn't want to disappoint.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:51, Reply)

Well, you do.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:51, Reply)

I had this thought two minutes ago.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:31, Reply)

Michael Buble's disappointing follow up single.

(Cave Duck, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:30, Reply)

fighting over me up my arse at the same time.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:28, Reply)

Ssshh Al.
I'm not being me at the moment. I'm pretending to be someone else.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:30, Reply)

Don't worry
if it had been you, they would already be up there. And your typing would be really bad.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:31, Reply)

Ah, is that your theory for why my typing and spelling sometimes suddenly goes to shit?

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:33, Reply)

It's my excuse, so I just assumed it was everyones
That's why TGB is always making mistakes.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:34, Reply)

Every single poster on /OT
Actually simultaneously has two cocks up their arse. Interesting. I like your thinking.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:39, Reply)

*checks*
Nope, just the one here.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:42, Reply)

Labs!
You're letting the side down. Shove another one in quick.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:46, Reply)

So sorry
*grimaces, strains, then sighs and smiles*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:49, Reply)

Much better.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:50, Reply)

apparently in the fourth book
The vampire fucks the girl so hard she needs a new fanny. For srs.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:33, Reply)

Yeah
Totally bonestorms the HELL out of that gynee. Leaves it looking like a cross section of the Large Hydron Collider, but covered in offal.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:35, Reply)

He also bites a pillow
Seriously. He has sex with her and it makes him bite a pillow.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:35, Reply)

HA
It's almost like Stephanie Meyer is a lurker.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:37, Reply)

shit, my cover's been blown!
*Glitters*
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:52, Reply)

How did I miss that?!
All those time's we've met, I'm so ashamed of myself.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:08, Reply)

.... but there is no dog, there _was_ a dog, but he died, 100 years ago to this day.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:33, Reply)

I'm not sure I understand the question
but I've started two novels and finished a few short stories
apparently I suck because literotica totally rejected me
less to do with topic, more to do with writing style
I need to take a course or something

The first which has the most work is about vampires, which I completely abandoned because lets face it, everyone and their mother has written about vampires.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:20, Reply)

change writing style
or just find someplace that likes your style
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:32, Reply)

I apparently write incorrectly and have shit punctuation skillz

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:56, Reply)

What I wrote recently
b3ta.com/questions/beautifulmoments2/post818034

Several people have suggested that Mrs Lardy and I write our story. We've thought about it, but aren't really sure that we'd be able to make it that good, although it's got everything you could want; one of us having a fairly dull existance, the other having a rotten time of it, then our chance meeting, whirlwind romance and what should have been a happy ending, which actually turned out to be cancer, then family tragedy, trials and tribulations, stinking divorce and lots of arguments, before finally getting our happy ending.

Just writing a few paragraphs seems like so much hard work and going over what were some fairly miserable times doesn't seem like it would be that much fun.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:25, Reply)

Get someone else to write it.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:29, Reply)

Alright there Jeff?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:30, Reply)

Alright there Monty?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:32, Reply)

Not too bad, old boy, not too bad thank you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:40, Reply)

Wonderful.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:42, Reply)

Yeah, but...
That still relies on me and the missus dragging up plenty of misery. I'm sure it would be cathartic and that, but not sure that's quite how I want to spend my leisure time just yet.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:33, Reply)

Well don't do it then! :-)

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:36, Reply)

Cheers Jeff
Next time anyone mentions it, I shall tell them you said I don't have to do it and subject closed.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:38, Reply)

Glad to have been of service.
But it's true. If you don't want to drag up all that pain and misery. Don't.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:41, Reply)

'Sausages of the World' by Monty Boyce

I'm considering a companion volume on mustards.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:27, Reply)

This is a fantastic idea!
*I LIKE THIS*
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:31, Reply)

I am deadly serious.
I've been thinking about it for years. I also considered writing a Roman army novel but there are millions of them and many of these are doubtless better than anything I could write.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:35, Reply)

Well if there are millions of them
Then the definitive one has yet to be written.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:38, Reply)

I suspect it won't be by me, sadly.
As a child I believed 'Eagle of the Ninth' by Susan Cooper to be the best, but there have been a number of excellent ones in recent years.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:46, Reply)

man, I had to read that book when I was about 8
for the county book quiz. We won, but the book was DULL
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:31, Reply)

I would buy both of those
I fucking love sausages and mustard

I went to Exeter Sausage and Grill the other night. Some very fine sausages, a good selection of mustards, and some excellent homemade chutneys.

You'd love it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:42, Reply)

I hope you'll take me there one day.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:50, Reply)

indeed I will
I just hope it can stay in business. It's opened on a cursed premises.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:53, Reply)

Chutney > Mustard.
There, I've said it.
(Cave Duck, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:50, Reply)

You swine.
I do love chutney (my WI market mother is a champion preserver) but no fucking way is it better than mustard, you bounder.

There. I've refuted it.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:50, Reply)

they have their place
but I could do without chutney more easily than without mustard without a doubt.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:54, Reply)

Be sure to include this fine variety of skinless sausage in your tome
yankeepancake.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/dsc00539.jpg

Also, would it have a chapter or two dedicated to Black Pudding?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:42, Reply)

Of course it would!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:49, Reply)

Sausage Jockey.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:54, Reply)

You have a most irksome habit of making me 'lol', young Jeffery.
Kindly desist forthwith.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Why don't you do a book about salt cellars?
I think you'd do that fantastically.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:01, Reply)

Now you are just being obtuse.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:10, Reply)

I thought you'd take that
As a condement!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:11, Reply)

*shakes head in disbelief*

You should be peppered with buckshot for that.

NOW I'M FUCKING DOING IT.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:15, Reply)

Have I gone too far?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:17, Reply)

'peppered'
Pfft.
(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:18, Reply)

asSAuLTed.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:20, Reply)

I find salt cellars to be quite erotic.
Reading a book on them would have me on the vinegar strokes in no time.
(Cave Duck, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:21, Reply)

To the Mayo Clinic with you.

(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:27, Reply)

I've developed an obsession with mustard
Yum.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:37, Reply)

Fox's Spices do make-your-own kits
in a myriad of styles, from Spicy Tomato and Country Garlic to more traditional ones. Easy to make and delicious.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:41, Reply)

I totally want that
you've mentioned it before
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:42, Reply)

You can get a box set of about six packs. Brilliant.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:46, Reply)

I know a couple of people who'd love it as well
if I wasn't so fucking skint I'd order some.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:50, Reply)

Spicy tomato mustard?!
I love grainy stuff. Had it with everything in France.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:42, Reply)

much as I love all types of mustard
you simply cannot beat proper hot English mustard
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:43, Reply)

I've only had "proper hot English mustard" that was very old and tasted of petrol
My god I want welsh rarebit now
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:44, Reply)

Colmans English is great stuff
I like to feel it searing my nostrils
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:49, Reply)

Any mustard
that doesn't immediately remind one of its role in WW1 simply doesn't cut the, er, mustard with me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:54, Reply)

Agreed.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:49, Reply)

The Fox's ones are grainy -
unless you blend them, then they are smooth. I am a smooth man, so to speak, and favour the English and Germans over the French - in so many ways.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:49, Reply)

You're smooooooth as, sweetheart.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:50, Reply)

....as the north face of the Eiger, sadly.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:54, Reply)

Or your scalp.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:55, Reply)

the an g d


you're as smooth as a duck?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:55, Reply)

Was that really worth the effort?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:59, Reply)

it took more effort than you know
and it was very much not worth it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:04, Reply)

One learns as much, if not more,
from one's failures as from one's successes, I believe.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:09, Reply)

too true my friend

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:17, Reply)

What about smooth Dijon mustard.
It's lovely.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:08, Reply)

It is.
But it's more like German mustard than most French. I do like 'La Favorite' as a French brand.
MmmmmmMMMMm
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:13, Reply)

I usually get Grey Poupon.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:16, Reply)

You can get treatment for that these days, you know.
There's no need to suffer in silence.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:17, Reply)

You must include a chapter on the pork, sage and pepper sausages I had on saturday.
From my local farm shop.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:06, Reply)

A whole chapter?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:17, Reply)

OK, a paragraph.
but the shop is worth a chapter. I raided it on saturday to fill my new freezer. My kitchen looked like Dennis Nilsen's bathroom for a while.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:25, Reply)

Do they do mail order?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:29, Reply)

Here's a link
www.evansbutchers.co.uk/
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:33, Reply)

Is it run by a chubby woman who lives on Albert Square?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:37, Reply)

No, by a bunch of butchers who.......
I see the connection now.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:40, Reply)

Are you anywhere near Leighton Buzzard?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:40, Reply)

Luton, about 8 miles east of Leighton Bastard.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:51, Reply)

My brother lives up there
so I visit reasonably frequently.

Perhaps a pint at a half way location, at some point?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 18:02, Reply)

I'd be honoured.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 20:10, Reply)

I bought some posh saussages from Marks on saturday.
I put them on a bed of onions in a ceramic dish, and put some blacksticks blue cheese on top.

The dish was 3/4 full of fat after an hour of cooking, I couldn't believe it, I poured out the fat and put it in some ciabatta, but the thought of all that fat, putting that inside me, made me feel well sick, and I couldn't get past more than 3 bites of the stuff. I couldn't even see the onions through the fat.

I'm not going to buy supermarket saussages again, rank.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:11, Reply)

Be more selective
The Black Farmer and Porkinsons are good brands, and not too fatty.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:17, Reply)

Porkinsons are especially nice, I think.
Their seasoning is superb.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:22, Reply)

I like the idea they were invented by Norman Parkinson the photographer.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:31, Reply)

As a veggie I'm unfamiliar with his sausages, but he does seem to have been a great character.

(Cave Duck, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:36, Reply)

I can't help feeling he shares a few genes with Monty.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:38, Reply)

I was going to say
'dear God, it's like looking into a mirror!'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:40, Reply)

You can just imagine him telling Bowie to fuck off and get his picture taken by someone else.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:43, Reply)

'No I cannot 'do something about your eyes in post-production'
you insufferable oik'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:47, Reply)

...before he tragically invented Parkinson's disease*


*WARNING: may contain traces of lie.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:39, Reply)

I would have thought Marks'n'Sparks ones, their 'finest' or whatever it's called 'pork saussages' would have been good.
Sad Times.

I picked up some nice serloin stakes and some black bacon from the butchers, I can't wait to get my cooking around them, I think I'm gonna do a carbonara.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:33, Reply)

That sounds good.
I've got part of a casserole I cooked yesterday.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:36, Reply)

damn it
I want sausages and mustard RIGHT NOW
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:32, Reply)

my mother gets some pork, chilli and chocolate sausages from a local butcher
fucking amazing.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 18:04, Reply)

Ohh they sound excellent.
*notes down for 'the book*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 18:09, Reply)

I've got an idea for a book about a centipede who befriends a millipede
I reckon its got legs
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:27, Reply)

Arf!
I laughed.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:33, Reply)

Pay it forward man
pay it forward

(and I don't mean watch that shitty film with the little bastard from 6th Sense in it)
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:37, Reply)

What do you mean then?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:39, Reply)

i bloody love this
and will use this wherever possible
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:30, Reply)

This is my one....
-------- BOOK ONE ---------

There is an old man and a young writer in a bar in the middle of nowhere, a right dive of a bar, but it's not bassed in a forrest, I don't get films and books based in forrests. The old man tells stories to this young writer, all sorts of amazing tales of when he was young, stories involving magnificent acts, extraordanry words that people think are 'magic', but he tells the writter how he does it. Things like how he ran a soup-kitchen for the homeless, and managed to feed 100s on just a few chickens and a few carrots. Stories of how he managed to walked across a river to save someone, but it was low tide so his feat could touch the water. Stuff like that.

The writer plagurises these stories, it becomes a best seller, cultish like behavour, akin to Twilight fans or harry potter, come to him. He makes millions and before long everyone knows this man's stories, how these magical things were just normal acts with good timing or situations. He's a bit of an arrogent cock about it, the writter.

-------- BOOK 2 -----------

Debates start rising about this ordanary fellow, who can do things like David Blane or David Copperfield. They compare him to a modern-day jesus, and debate happens along the lines of "Well, if this guy could do this/that/other, maybe jesus was just an illusionest too?".

---------- Book 3 -------------

Religion has fallen, and although there is chaos in some respects, there is a new age of reasoning in the religious parts of the [current] world, and quality of life improves for a lot of these people, but without the religion, there are people who lose fear of god, who do horrible acts because of it, they figure because there is no hell, they can do what they want. On the other hand, things such as homosexuality and fround-apon-by-religion-acts-which-aren't-that-bad become fine.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:48, Reply)

Or, slightly differently, same idea of a writer and old man.
But the old man's stories are the bible told from "the devil"'s point of view, that the bad things that have happened in it, such as the judus outting of jesus, that it Judus's family was at risk if he didn't. Things like the phairos mentioned in the bible who enslaved the jews, that the guy was perpetuating generations of abuse handed down from father-to-son, and that really they should be pitted rather than thought of as evil.

... and that leads onto the religious debate, "The Third Testiment", and a new age for mankind.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:52, Reply)

Or ignore the old man and writter thing, and just tell the bible from 'the devils' point of view, only in modern time.
"Every trillogy needs a third book", would be the tag-line.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 16:54, Reply)

you could call it 'The Jeffrey Archer Story'

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:02, Reply)

there's a book about a queue
a book about timetravel and photography
and an over ambitious photography project (still in the concept phase, I thought about it too much)
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:29, Reply)

oh lol
cgi.ebay.com/BOOTY-ENHANCEMENT-Spell-Cast-Powerful-Wiccan-Witch-/220496575102?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0#ht_6847wt_1165
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:43, Reply)

Is that your day job Gonz?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:45, Reply)

Look at her other stuff, fucking gold mine.
shop.ebay.com/moonstruck9000/m.html?_nkw=&_armrs=1&_from=&_ipg=25
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:47, Reply)

I don't know why I didn't think of this.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 17:49, Reply)

Wanna buy this off me?
cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=180548080169#ht_739wt_1139
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 18:25, Reply)

Only if I can bid with homeopathic money ... !

(BrianHequator was stretching owls, on, or around, Mon 16 Aug 2010, 18:45, Reply)