Qu'est-ce que'sup motherfuckers
Firstly, today is my B3taday, not that you can tell as I'm too much of a tightarse to contribute to the running of my favourite online abuse hub.

Secondly, I found out last night that I'm going to be on The Weakest Link - filming on December 2nd. No idea yet when it'll air, and if I don't win I won't be telling anyone either.

But I will win.

I hope this morning finds you in as offensively good a mood as I am. Anyone received any news that's brightened their world despite the thoroughly depressing English weather?

Alt Q - anyone ever been on TV in any capacity? Crimewatch doesn't count
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 7:57, 299 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Ey! Congratulations x 2
I'm just happy as always, despite a bad nightmare yesterday and my general tirednes, but in a month and 3 week I'll be on holidays for almost 4 months, and that thought keeps me pushing.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:07, Reply)

Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice
That is all
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:11, Reply)

What happened last night in your shared bed?
I need input.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:15, Reply)

Nothing
We both slept like too little angles.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:20, Reply)

:(
A couple of (a)cute angles.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:21, Reply)

Thanks?
Sorry you're not happy, but I needed some good sleep.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:32, Reply)

Perhaps tonight then?

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:35, Reply)

We'll see
I think she needs a bad day in the office followed by high amounts of wine to get frisky.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:38, Reply)

:)

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:42, Reply)

I can help with the wine
But not with the bad day at the office, so don't get too happy.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:50, Reply)

HAPPY NO-CANDLE BITCHTITS
If you look closely during episode four, series two of What Not To Wear, in the bit where Trinny and Susannah put their mark in the 360-degree mirror, if you look closely, you can just see me waving from inside Trinny Woodall's arse crack.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:07, Reply)

POTD
Although there are still very few contenders
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:11, Reply)

Happy B3taday!
North West Tonight and Eggs n' Baker are my claims to fame.
Oh and my voice has been on the Bigger Breakfast (I won Bigger Break) and a programme hosted by a young Sacha Baron Cohen on Granada Talk TV (I lost that time.)

Well done on the Weakest Link btw.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:07, Reply)

Fucking hell you get around woman
I mean that in the nicest possible way
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:11, Reply)

Happy B3ta day skinflint.
pay up and you get a candle, so you won't need to whore around for congratulations.

Good luck with the weakest link, and remember to give the ginger haridan a tough time.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:13, Reply)

Thank you kindly sir
Am thoroughly looking forward to giving La Robinson as good as I get. I reckon the tabloids would pay good money for vivid details of a wild bedroom escapade starring the Queen of Mean
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:18, Reply)

Do you receive a dress code?
Like no mankinis or no sponsorship labels on your teeshirt?
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:24, Reply)

Not yet, which they may come to regret
But I've only had the phone call, I'll probably get something in the post with that sort of detail. Am very much open to suggestions as to what I should wear
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:26, Reply)

Don't forget to mention the near-terminal alcoholism
and that it destroyed her family, the hatchet-faced old witch. And that her mother was a chicken dealer to the City of London.

Do the 'drinky-drinky' hand motion, accompanied by her 'trademark wink'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:28, Reply)

Yeah ask her why her daughter hates her
and tell her she's not a fucking scouser either.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:30, Reply)

So, not being a scouser, is an insult?
*ducks*
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:32, Reply)

Oi!
Gerrarovit!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:35, Reply)

That's what I'll wear
A T-shirt that says "Roota calls bullshit"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:32, Reply)

Hahah
I did once start a rumour that she was born male and her name ysed to be Peter. Some people believed it.
I am not accusing her of being any B3ta mentals though.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:34, Reply)

I could refer to her as Peter throughout if you like
That'll shut her up
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:36, Reply)

Yes!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:37, Reply)

I vote this
just doing something that's inoffensive but weird as hell.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:15, Reply)

Really? You're asking that here?
I hope you don't regret it. Are you going to talk about your dancing? I'm sure she'll mock you for it.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:33, Reply)

If it's anything like my audition
The Ballroom will be mentioned in detail, as will all associated gay stereotypes - rest assured you'll all find the grilling I get most entertaining. Am going to have to practice my pirouettes as well cos she's bound to ask me to do one.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:35, Reply)

I want to see it
I hope you record it because I might not be in England when they show it (and even if I am, I don't have a TV license, so no TV for me)
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:37, Reply)

Whether or not I record it, or even inform people of when it's on
will depend entirely on how I do
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:39, Reply)

That's not fair
I can't watch it every day to see if you appear on it!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:41, Reply)

Its on i player so you can just check it out, then stop watching.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:45, Reply)

That's a good advice
I'll watch until he gets sent out. Can you watch iplayer outside the UK?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:51, Reply)

At least your time on here will help as a rehearsal.
'I get called a bender all day Anne, keep it coming'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:42, Reply)

That is almost exactly what I said at my rehearsal
"How will you cope with Anne's acid-tongued putdowns?"

"I've heard it all before. ALL of it. Repeatedly. Today, in fact"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:00, Reply)

haha

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:15, Reply)

Alt: I was on the news in Ireland
when I DJed for a band at the Guiness Jazz Festival in Cork. This was primarily because we had a b-boy (breakdance to lay people) crew dancing for us, and were therefore the most television friendly act.

I'm in an offensively bad mood as I have now had neither television nor broadband at my house for eight days now, due to a 'network problem caused by a fire' (smells bovine to me, TalkTalk), and I have to spend this evening with my ex doing a photoshoot of old baby clothes for Ebay. And I don't feel very well.

You can and undoubtedly will stick your candle up your arse, DF, so enjoy it with my blessing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:27, Reply)

I only got my Talktalk back last night but it was off this morning.
Bastards.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:30, Reply)

Damn, ebay photographing is uncompromisingly dull.
I've got a stack of sixty dvds and games waiting to be put up. I might actually get around to it today.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:30, Reply)

I'll take 'Neigh-bours Omnibus: Horse Porn 9' if Al hasn't already bought it off you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:31, Reply)

I left TalkTalk because they are a gang of tramps' foreskins
Lying twats the lot of them
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:31, Reply)

Eight fucking days, Roots. Eight!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:33, Reply)

Have you chosen your new provider?
How many clothes you need to picture?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:35, Reply)

Not yet.
The problem is I am paying £15.99 a month for shitloads of cable channels, a phone line and perfectly adequate broadband (when it's working) - everyone else is way more, right?

There are probably 50+ complete outfits to photograph, but I am getting a free meal and brownie points (not a euphemism) for helping.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:39, Reply)

I'm not sure about that
I recently got my Virgin fee halved when I said that O2 was offering me better price and quality. I think you'll have to bargain. However, even if you pay a bit more, it'll be worth if they have a better service. I'm very happy with Virgin media and mobile.

50 is not too much. You should see some of my friends' wives, buying like mad cows and then having to sell almost straight away and without using the clothes, as the baby grows too quickly.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:44, Reply)

I confess I plucked that figure from the air.
It's several binbags full. I have plenty of experience of running photoshoots so I know how to get through it quickly - plus there will be no styling as such so it should be over reasonably soon.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:47, Reply)

Several binbags?
Did she get a different outfit everyday?

A friend of mine used to buy baby clothes from ebay at £1/kg. I'm sure you can get more than that, but with this method you'll be done in seconds.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:53, Reply)

In two and a bit years that's not that excessive, I think.
That's a good tip, selling by weight. I shall pass that on to Der Fuhrer.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:57, Reply)

Maybe, I've never had a baby
But baby clothes take vary little space.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:59, Reply)

I recommend you do, it's great.
Maybe you should buy some clothes just in case?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:04, Reply)

Hahaha
I'm hoping to have one (or more) once I get married. Not because I think it has to be done on a particular order, but I don't want to be all sick and fat in 3 months for my wedding.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:13, Reply)

I'll bet nobody in a position to fix this even KNOWS you have no service yet
They click a few buttons and tell you it's being passed on but it isn't.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:37, Reply)

^This

( girlinthehole, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:35, Reply)

I have heard nothing but shit about them.
I'm tied to BT for 17 more months but if I find a better deal with someone who doesn't relentlessly throttle torrent bandwidth I'll pay the get-out money and jump ship.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:38, Reply)

The only good thing about Talk Talk
Is that they refuse to hand over customer details to lawyers in relation to piracy charges.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:25, Reply)

On excellent form as ever I see Monty
Very sorry to hear of your provisioning woes. I suggest you find a provider with better taste than to associate themselves with The X Factor
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:34, Reply)

why do you have to do the photoshoot thing?
since you don't have internets, give her a camera and tell her to do it her fucking self
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:16, Reply)

Kitty have you considered advising the Israelis and Palestinians in their latest round of talks?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:45, Reply)

I already did
that's what got them in that mess in the first place.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:56, Reply)

Avigdor Lieberman?
She taught him everything he knows about compromise and diplomacy.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:01, Reply)

Happy Birthday.
When I was a kid I was in the audience of some early seventies pop show. The name escapes me but Dana and The Stylistics played.

I had my finger on the pulse from such an early age.
( girlinthehole, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:34, Reply)

Oh god, I've heard of both of them
Good morning honey
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:36, Reply)

*waves*

( girlinthehole, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:37, Reply)

I'll bet you have.
Dana was a Eurovision winner. Case in point.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:40, Reply)

I actually couldn't remember where I knew the name from
Thank you for using your superior agedness/knowledge of homosexual stereotypes to help me out. Are you sure you're not confusing Dana with Dana International, the tranny who won it for Israel despite it clearly not being in Europe?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:43, Reply)

No, she was a paddy.
Now a major Irish politician (and probable terrorist and potato farmer).
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:45, Reply)

Your knowledge of Eurovision winners is vastly superior to mine
Re-read that sentence, think about who wrote it and let us know how long it takes you to involuntarily recreate Munch's "The Scream"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:58, Reply)

I saw her on the news in a political context,
they said she was an ex-Eurovision winner. This was unusual, I remembered it.

You're the bender round here, not me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:02, Reply)

Had to think about it though, didn't you

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:19, Reply)

All Kinds Of Everything was the song
It was as twee and wholesome as the title suggests. There's a version on youtube by Sinead O'Connor and Terry Hall, which given her reputation for spikeyness and his downbeat personality amuses me somewhat. It's actually quite sweet.
(Cave Duck, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:30, Reply)

Wow
I'm really going to have to turn up the camp levels today to reclaim my crown
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

One can only say such things when wholly secure in one's sexuality.
*Looks mean & does loads of bicep curls*
(Cave Duck, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:40, Reply)

That argument doesn't work for me
although you probably stand a better chance of getting away with it
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:47, Reply)

I'm as intrigued as fuck as when I woke up I had a text from my housemate saying she wouldn't be back in time to take the bus to college
at 7.30am. We went to bed at the same time. She was knackered.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?

EDIT: I have been on the radio quoting Voldemort at a vicar though.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:38, Reply)

which quote?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:47, Reply)

The magic is everywhere, isn't it?
Me and my flatmate went to bed together yesterday, and this morning, when the alarm rang at 6am, I got out of bed and she couldn't move. She needed another 30min, a lot of loud radio and light to start functioning.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:47, Reply)

What the fuck was she doing out of the house before 7.30am is the important question...

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:49, Reply)

Oh, I see now
Right... She clearly has a busier life than you.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:55, Reply)

maybe she's a werewolf

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:27, Reply)

Blimey.
The credit crunch is hitting hard if flatmates can't even afford separate beds these days.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:53, Reply)

You clearly weren't here yesterday morning
Where you, mighty mighty?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:54, Reply)

I have to do work, sometimes. It's a curse.
What, were you discussing the shocking UK bed shortage, or something?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:00, Reply)

Steamy Euro-lez action, more like.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:03, Reply)

*drops monocle*
I say!
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:03, Reply)

It wasn't steamy
it was a misunderstanding. She was very apologetic yesterday.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:06, Reply)

They always apologise, just before they go for kill;
French women. IME.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Je suis désolé
mais je veux toucher vos seins
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:27, Reply)

Hahaha
Froglolz
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:30, Reply)

Quite so, dear boy.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:06, Reply)

I've been on MOTD, Look North once visible
and once when my theft of a JCB was reported.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:42, Reply)

Please tell me you said something incredibly derogatory about the sheep shaggers on MOTD
Morning by the way, haven't spoken to you for aaaaaaages
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:44, Reply)

How's tricks
I thought I'd have a little look at O/T -QOTW isn't too hot right now.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:16, Reply)

Not bad sir, thank you
Apart from Forest's disturbing refusal to beat anyone despite clearly being better than all the team's they're drawing against. How about yourself?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:20, Reply)

Much the same re the footy
But I now get corporate tickets for them - my neighbour knows Rob Earnshaw.

I have also had corporate tickets for Norwich a lot recently...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:24, Reply)

Interesting
when are Forest playing at Carrow Road?

Actually, scratch that, the way Norwich have been playing they might batter us
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:31, Reply)

been & gone

( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:46, Reply)

Not this season
We played them at home, according to my Dad they're the only team to outplay us all season. Obviously it finished 1-1. All our games finish 1-1.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:48, Reply)

Ah, my mistake
Fancy going to the Carrow Road game then?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:15, Reply)

Yes. In theory
If you can arrange for half their team to get flu before the game, definitely
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:31, Reply)

You stole a JCB?
Props!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:48, Reply)

Yup
The story is on the best of the "appearing on TV' QOTW
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:25, Reply)

Since I assume that my 1st year haven't been wiped out in a freak Tuesday snakebite poisoning
then I'm still going to have to teach them for the next 3 hours, so no.

Alt A. For some reason people keep trying to interview me to present new science shows. Fuck only knows why they think I'd want to do that.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:43, Reply)

buy an icon you cheap whore!
happy candle day. I was on the really wild show at school. It's so early.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:45, Reply)

I've had a handjob off Chris Packham's cousin, confusingly called Michaela.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:45, Reply)

a
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:49, Reply)

What's a 'hndjob'?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:50, Reply)

a mong elvis impersonator

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:51, Reply)

Please explain why you posted that.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:58, Reply)

shant. have to get up.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:00, Reply)

is it supposed to be hounddog in a mong accent?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:29, Reply)

yes and I'm still laughing now when I sing the first line to myself.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:36, Reply)

oh god that means I speak bobese

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:59, Reply)

We all feel for you

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:07, Reply)

the funniest line in 'Th mportnce of Bng rnst'

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:33, Reply)

When the going gets tough, call her an alcoholic pisscan who wets the bed
The Tosh Lyons of the Quiz world
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:52, Reply)

He threatened to punch a mate of mine
who laughed at him when he fell off his barstool in a pub, once.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:55, Reply)

He was brilliant, and will forever have a place in my heart.
You’ve also pre-empted me with the alcoholic abuse for the cunt I’ve just noticed = ( fucksticks
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:01, Reply)

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to pip me to the abuse post.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:07, Reply)

Local news laughing at Teresa May when I was at sixth form.
Then I was on the Pepsi chart show, Trisha and the Weakest link audience while at uni.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:58, Reply)

You lolwaki student, you.
Plus, as has been expertly pointed out here, only Australians go to 'uni'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 8:59, Reply)

I live by my own rules.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:00, Reply)

We've all been to Trisha!
Were you at UEA?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:17, Reply)

No, Reading
but I had a mate who was living in norwich at the time.
(PsychoChomp, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:18, Reply)

A girl I work with used to be the researcher
and purposely wind guests up before the show.

God knows how they provoke the idiots on Jeremy Kyle
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:19, Reply)

They say that appearing on the show will affect their benifits.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:22, Reply)

Often it does - they are forever getting caught fraudulently claiming invalidity aren't they?

( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:27, Reply)

Not quite all of us.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:19, Reply)

You mean you haven't?
You've missed one of the great cultural experiences of the millenium.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:20, Reply)

I've lived in Norwich so long
that I was in the audience for Vanessa Feltz' show
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:21, Reply)

I've lived in London since the mid-90s
and have never once been on any mongoloid television programmes. I did once get tickets to see Harry Hill but didn't turn up.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:23, Reply)

being in the audience is fun
it's guilty fun, but fun nevertheless.

and you feel horribly superior when you leave.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:26, Reply)

I feel horribly superior all day, every day, anyway.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:42, Reply)

Why in the name of hell would you or anyone else want to see Harry Hill?!
Also, what disasterprone said
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:32, Reply)

Because he can be quite funny, based on TV Burp which is as much as I know of him

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

He's fucking hilarious and a very clever surrealist, in stand up.
That's why.

I saw a serious BBC2 documentary on surrealism once and he was interviewed so I am not alone in thinking what I do.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:43, Reply)

His stand up is really good
He often has several joke strands running through the show and switches between them without warning, it sometimes takes a moment to realise a joke refers to something earlier.

Also, he made a really tired format like You've Been Framed watchable.
(Cave Duck, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Precisely. These people just cannot cope with
(or are blissfully unaware of) the complexity and cleverness of his writing, preferring instead the 'oh wow, they just mentioned Star Wars' student shitness of 'Spaced'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:01, Reply)

Harry Hill
the only man who can successfully pull of 'wacky'
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:17, Reply)

seriously?
you knock my taste in everything and you like Harry Hill?! I remember children's joke books with better humour in them.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:00, Reply)

You only dislike it because of the Badger Parade

( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:16, Reply)

I was on Watchdog about 9 years ago
when I was marketing director of an internet service provider that wasn't very good at providing an internet service.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:05, Reply)

Was it cambell or Robinson?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:09, Reply)

Robinson
I had received media training from a PR agency beforehand. They told me that a researcher would ask me if I had been media trained. I was told to say no I hadn't even though I had, as apparently they go a bit easier on people who haven't been trained. This made fuck all difference. She was still a witch.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:11, Reply)

*rubs hands together with anticipation*
Can't wait to meet her
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:40, Reply)

Once filming is complete please kick her in the cunt on my behalf.
and get yourself a candle you tightarse - you can't have a candle day without a candle!
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:41, Reply)

We can't all be CEO of our own company with a separate "Justgiving" slush fund
how much do you have to chip in anyway?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:49, Reply)

You can donate whatever amount you like - I think there is a minimum to cover the merchant fees. Read the FAQ.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Good morning denizens
What a wonderfully soggy morning this is. However, I have Steppenwolf cheering me up.

As for TV, I was on Songs of Praise when I was younger and a Swedish Documentary show called something like Brainmash.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:07, Reply)

I love Steppenwolf
'Magic Carpet Ride' more than 'Born to be Wild', though, I think.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:10, Reply)

Precisely the song I have on
It's summer in a song.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:15, Reply)

Big fan of 'The Pusher' too.
Funny that.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:19, Reply)

You've shocked me Boyce
For the first time ever.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:24, Reply)

shocked gently massaged with baby oil

I'm assuming that you named your penis after Monty

EDIT: Oh, very good. Fine... me my

Doesn't work as well now
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:40, Reply)

I've shocked myself.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:41, Reply)

do you know the Curtis Mayfield track
Pusher Man?

great tune
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:18, Reply)

Don't ask silly questions Vippers.
I can't believe you asked me this.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:36, Reply)

nor can I
what was I thinking?

I can only assume I meant something like "you know that tune? it's great" assuming you do know it and that you agree it's great
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:45, Reply)

I was deemed to lame by Scuzz music channel to be on TV
I was at Download last year and I was absolutely leathered. Some guy from Scuzz TV came over with a cameraman and a microphone and was all "THIS IS SCUZZ TV AT DOWNLOAD!" and I think I was supposed to flash him or do something exciting, but I looked at him in drunken bemusement. He sat down next to me and said "are you really drunk or really high?" and I said "a little from column A, a little from column B" and started giggling. Then a guy with no shirt on came over and screamed "WHAAAASSUP!" into the microphone and mooned him, so he turned to me and said "I'm going to interview this guy instead" and left. My friends called me a loser. I was wearing a corset so it would have taken at least 20 minutes to flash him.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:11, Reply)

You escaped with your dignity intact. You should be relieved.
I'm sure you managed somehow to piece your life back together after the disappointment of not being on 'Scuzz TV'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:18, Reply)

just about
I only had to change my hair, eye colour and name and then everything was fine.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:31, Reply)

But would it have been worth the wait?

( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:19, Reply)

prolly not.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:31, Reply)

nothing worse than getting a girl home, building up the excitement through 20 minutes of undoing clasps and bows and laces
then finding out she's a man
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:34, Reply)

Genocide?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

genocide doesn't come close
unless it happens to me
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:39, Reply)

Stop going to Thailand to pick up girls then!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

Good plan!

( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:39, Reply)

Why the fuck were you wearing a corset at Download?!
InFest I'd understand. I take it that if breathing was an issue you stayed well clear of the Slayer pit
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:22, Reply)

I've seen plenty of people wear corsets
at Download. It's a fairly acceptable female fashion item in the Rock and Metal community...
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:24, Reply)

I agree
And wearing a steel cage protects you from spinal injuries in the pit
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:33, Reply)

I'm well aware of this
I'm just surprised that anyone would want to be that uncomfortable at a festival. Possibly it's my age. Then again I suppose Kitty has a ridiculously tiny waist so may not have been too put out by the corset
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:34, Reply)

Corsets are proper comfy.
Seriously. If they fit properly then they support all your muscles and keep your spine straight. The only time I don't have backache is when I'm wearing a corset.

I've made corsets for men before now. Jus' sayin'.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:36, Reply)

Maybe you should put a broomstick down the back of all your tops

( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

are you calling me a witch?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:41, Reply)

No.
More a scarecrow.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:46, Reply)

I don't scare crows
ask him later.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

I was only there for the Saturday
I didn't go in any pits that year, I bruise easily. Plus I was too drunk to stand for a large portion of the day. I was so excited about seeing Dragonforce it was all I talked about for a week, but in the end I missed them beacuse I was unconscious.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:33, Reply)

Sorry
You were excited about seeing Dragonforce?

In an ironic way, presumably
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:35, Reply)

No I really wanted to see them
Mostly to see how they manage to play 20 minute songs without getting tired.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

I don't like it when we agree,
but fuck me they're shit, eh?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:38, Reply)

I find a state of our agreement disturbing at best, so let's make this quick
Yes they're fucking godawful. It baffles me that a band can clearly be so obviously technically adept and yet have no bloody idea what a decent tune should sound like. No need to illustrate what I dislike about them as you've done so beautifully below
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:42, Reply)

But why?
I watched them on YouTube and found them to be comically bad. Terrible widdly harmonised guitars, weedy gay vocals, and fast but not really heavy.

I can see the appeal of Slayer or Metallica or whatever but that lot I do not get the appeal of for a second.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

I think they're fun
and I like watching bands at festivals that are entertaining. I wouldn't buy their album to listen to at home but I was looking forward to seeing them live.

We've talked about this Monty, remember? Other people are allowed to like things that you don't like.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:42, Reply)

They are indeed.
It was a genuine question. Some things aren't for me but I can see the appeal, but not those tossers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:46, Reply)

I just think they're fun, I enjoy the mental guitar riffs and they're good to dance to
Although as I mentioned, I was unconscious and missed them so I don't know if they were entertaining or not.

Slipknot, who I never really liked that much, were absolutely fantastic. They headlined and they were awesome. I don't really like their music much but they were really good.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:53, Reply)

What is the appeal of Slayer?
I don't really understand really heavy metal. It all seems very shouty and angry to me.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:47, Reply)

That's pretty much exactly the appeal
Shouty, angry music for shouty, angry people. Most metal includes decent harmonies and hooks but with louder, crunchier instruments. Slayer are the pinnacle of Thrash metal, a genre aimed at people who like throwing themselves bodily around their bedroom and headbanging instead of masturbating or meeting women.

They're still ace though
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:53, Reply)

As I see it,
it's extremely aggressive, heavy, intense and fast: quite an experience live, I am told.

As opposed to a bunch of homos in tights widdling away like toddlers in a paddling pool at 200bpm but with no bottom end and zero menace.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:53, Reply)

that last sentence doesn't really make much sense
and there are typos Monty, TYPOS.

Ninja edited typos apparently.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:54, Reply)

I think I can be forgiven solely for coming up with
'widdling away like toddlers in a paddling pool', personally.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:59, Reply)

3/10.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:01, Reply)

I think I'll stick with my happy joyful raving!

( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:59, Reply)

A fairly important one time contributor to the thrash scene in the 80s
and a must see experience live. There's nothing quite like it. Only bother once, and hope they play Hell Awaits/Reign in Blood songs.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:07, Reply)

just this
I was amazed at how good Slayer were live and it has changed how I view heavy metal (again)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:14, Reply)

My brother is desperate for me to go, reckons I'd love it.
Mind you he said that about Rammstein and I've seen a terrible live DVD of them, so I know his judgement is fatally flawed.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Rammstein are certainly entertaining live
because of the almost martial quality of it and the pyrotechnics

as a band though Slayer were absolutely superb. If I hadn't seen Bigelf, Slayer would have been the best thing at Sonisphere.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:30, Reply)

My main problem with Rammstein is the keyboards.
My second problem is the silly costumes.
My third is the short hair /shallow
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:33, Reply)

keyboards is fair enough
they haven't really gone in for particularly silly costumes when I've seen them. Especially not when compared to some of the other bands.

Are Germans allowed long hair?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:35, Reply)

Dragonforce
they are obscenely cheesy, and widdly, but I find them hilarious and an amusing listening experience.

The songs are all about the same stuff and are very formulaic, but they aren't bad as such.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:13, Reply)

I was interviewed on live Spanish tv
at Live8. I'm fairly sure I made a tit of myself, to be honest.
(berk, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:19, Reply)

You went to Live8, so that's a definite.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:29, Reply)

I'm in a crappy mood.
chemistry sac was awful. Disgusting. Fairly sure I flunked it. The last part of my assessable coursework before I have my last exam for the year in 4 weeks, and it's just gone right out the window. There goes the score I need for uni.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:24, Reply)

Unlucky, mon.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:30, Reply)

to say the least.

(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:33, Reply)

don't get too despondent yet, you won't know for sure until you get the results so try not to worry about it too much.
Can you do resits if you did fail?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:34, Reply)

nope, can't do a resit. I'm really hoping I didn't fail.
Failing a sac means I fail the unit. Failing a unit means that the whole subject is dropped from my potential uni applications which is CRAP because I need chemistry to get into Biomedical science. If it had been an essay, I would have breezed through it, but it was on Faraday's Laws and Avogadro's number, which is maths based, and isn't my strong suit.
fingers crossed I haven't failed it.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:39, Reply)

My sac has been failing for years now.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:40, Reply)

thanks for the mental image there mate.
really...not one I required.
(Poppet some assembly required., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:41, Reply)

so no pressure then!
You don't know for sure you've failed it, so we'll just cross our fingers for you. I always thought I did worse in exams than I actually did, I think everyone does.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:44, Reply)

I remember my friend thought she failed her grade 8 piano exam
But she got a pass with distinction. I was a bit annoyed with her.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:48, Reply)

I had a friend who used to start revise for hours every day
and she always got As but after every exam she would be all "OH MY GOD I'VE FAILED WAAAAAH". I usually know when I've done well on an exam and when I've done badly.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:03, Reply)

You'll be fine, just concentrate on your exams now.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:39, Reply)

Happy B3taday old boy.
As a young teen I appeared on a Saturday morning children's show called TISWAS hosted by celebrity twat Chris Tarrant. I got to throw stuff at Elvis Costello and Cozy Powell as well as have a lusty look down Sally James' cleavage. (She was the hot presenter that used to wear basques and wet t-shirts, much to the delight of hormonally charged teens across the nation.)
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:37, Reply)

I am extremely jealous of this.
I would have loved to throw stuff at Costello and have looked at Sally's tits. The extent of my jealousy has put my in a seriously bad mood. You lucky bastard.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:40, Reply)

My family watched it and said...
...it was totally obvious that I was gawping at her boobs. She was sat at a desk and I was standing behind her with a massive grin, leaning forward and trying to cop a nipple.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:52, Reply)

You are GRATE AICMFP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:54, Reply)

Excellent work.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:55, Reply)

That has knocked my forthcoming TV appearance into a cocked hat
An expression which I've never understood but enjoy anyway
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:44, Reply)

I speak to my brother every morning before work.
Today, for some reason, we were laughing about Ron Davies’ Clapham Common disgrace, where he was caught bumming a Rasta and claimed he was ‘looking for badgers’. I remarked that the Rasta was obviously not a particularly strict one, seeing as he was caught bumming an MP in a bush.

I dubbed him ‘Ras Bandit’ which we both found to be hilarious.

Why have I posted this?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:39, Reply)

especially as you weren't gonna be on today!
I feel shortchanged mother fucker.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:41, Reply)

Wasn't I? First I've heard.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:44, Reply)

I was sure when you signed off last night
you said you wouldn't be around today due to technical difficulties or something. I was looking forward to an abuse light wednesday!

"Night all,
Won't be on 'til tomorrow unless TalkTalk have sorted their fucking lives out.

I know, I know, no-one cares....
( Monty Boyce : the man that time forgot, Tue 5 Oct 2010, 18:07, Ignore, Reply, I like this!)"
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:45, Reply)

Lack of Monty surely wouldn't reduce your abuse that much?

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:47, Reply)

It would knock off a significant chunk I reckon. What's this about you might be job hunting in Bris?
any developments.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:50, Reply)

Well:
- There's a job in Bristol
- I need a job
- I am mostly qualified for the job in Bristol
- I applied for said job
It all seems fairly self-explanatory really.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:53, Reply)

You sad stalker. You'll be setting up a fan club next.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:49, Reply)

You're just upset no-one remembers your posts!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Don't forget - I am an "internet prankster" according to the The Sun, The Guardian, The Observer and Channel Five.
*awaits strikethrough*
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:58, Reply)

yesterdays news mother fucker!

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:02, Reply)

Thankfully.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:06, Reply)

Your stupidity really is remarkable.
'I won't be on 'til tomorrow', posted yesterday?

You do know what 'til' is an abbreviation of, please God tell me you do?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:50, Reply)

yeah where you put the cash in shops innit bruv
didn't see the til.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Suffer the little children (you'll be teaching).

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:56, Reply)

Dear Monty
I hate people who just write 'til' without an apostrophe, or even worse, 'till' when they don't actually mean that. What should I do about this?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:55, Reply)

My advice
is to slice the ends of their noses vertically with a scalpel, and then rub a 50/50 mix of salt and sand into the wound.

They will then have a 'penis-nose' for the rest of their lives and adequate justice will thus have been served upon them.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:57, Reply)

I feel this seems like a suitable retort really
Will it teach them not to do it in future?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:59, Reply)

you need a threat of further retribution
the 'penis nose' shows that you are serious. you need something else to prevent repeat occurences
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:05, Reply)

The next level is the double-bladed Stanley knife
down the middle of the top of the head - creating a permanent 'penis head' effect. particularly striking on bald people wearing pink roll-necks.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:13, Reply)

very good

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:14, Reply)

I always wondered what kind of people come up with the bizarre injuries and deaths
on films like Saw and Hostel. It's people like you Monty.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:04, Reply)

morning my dear
you've turned out very nicely
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:06, Reply)

erm, thanks?
Is this an insult I don't understand?
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:09, Reply)

no :-(
I was trying to be nice
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:11, Reply)

too early for nice my man
next nice shift commences about 11ish.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:13, Reply)

sorry!
It confused me.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:13, Reply)

nae bother
I'm in a remarkably chipper mood today
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:14, Reply)

After a home game once a Sky Sports bloke was doing a piece to camera reporting about the game.
I ran behind him and shouted 'FULHAM FC - MORE DRUGS THAN BOOTS'. It was a live thing because he told us after and called us wankers.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:49, Reply)

Hahaha
Fucking nice one, sir. You just leapfrogged Lily Allen to become my second favourite Cottager, as it were
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:55, Reply)

You do leave yourself wide open, don't you?

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:58, Reply)

too... many... comments

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:01, Reply)

Hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:05, Reply)

Without me your heads would explode
from too many unused gay jokes congesting your brains
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:06, Reply)

never happen
I know a lot of quasi-benders who need mocking
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:11, Reply)

mocking blow jobs.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:20, Reply)

We are an increasingly common breed

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:20, Reply)

You really are frightfully common.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:25, Reply)

I was hoping you'd be pleased that I was starting my TV career
on BBC1 instead of ITV
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:33, Reply)

If WankWank haven't restored my service by the time it's aired
it could be on CBeebies for all the good it would do me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Nice one.
I once managed to disrupt a newsreader who was reporting live by shouting 'scrubbers' (Witnail style) from a passing car. It probably lost a lot due to the Doppler Effect
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:57, Reply)

i've never been on tv
i would hate it anyway. the hair and makeup and camera angles would never ever be right.

my dad and my brother have been interviewed after various man utd matches by sky, though. this irritates me intensely.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:55, Reply)

You've probably been on CCTV with your automotive dough-related masturbation antics and a few lorry driver's mobile phones have probably got footage too.
edited by request
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:59, Reply)

you forgot the bread
it's not the same without the french roll
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:00, Reply)

Bonjour

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:03, Reply)

hello favourite boy
how's your wednesday?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:03, Reply)

Not bad my darling, not bad.
I have so much to do that I am doing none of it and arseing about on here instead...

How's your day looking from here?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:10, Reply)

my day is looking depressing
meeting at 8am, meeting at 12pm, both tres dull. counsel has picked up on something in particulars of claim that i really feel i should have spotted, which is always a bit lowering. gash!

but you have cheered me up a bit.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:19, Reply)

That is my aim.
My father was convinced I should have gone into the law but I am way too slapdash, despite my prodigious talent for arguing and brow-beating.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

^ this is me ^
it is sometimes an obstacle!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:40, Reply)

edited.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:04, Reply)

I think I saw her on "Dogging UK"
homemade footage - from pervs, for pervs
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:00, Reply)

and you were watching it because........

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:03, Reply)

i hoped to catch a glimpse of you
and i'm a perv
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:21, Reply)

John major came to our school
and I was on TV during a swimming lesson. It was rather embarrassing as I was a very skinny, scrawny kid and was filmed picking up one of those rubber bricks that they throw in the pool and you recover from the bottom. As I walked pool side carrying this brick John Major said "He's a strong lad isn't he" My P.E. teacher replied "He's the strongest lad in the school Prime Minister"

It was broadcast on national news that evening. I was beaten up lots after that. :( I'm no longer skinny or scrawny but they could all still beat me up. I'm not weak I've just never been able to fight anyone. I prefer, like brave Sir Robin, to bravely run away.
( Peej, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 9:58, Reply)

Did you have an erection?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:02, Reply)

Maybe but I was 8
so it wouldn't have looked any different to flacid
( Peej, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:16, Reply)

A few times.
1) Blue Peter; demo'ing STIGA table hockey.
2) A few pilots that I don't _think_ air'd.
3) Club Reps Uncovered: I made a complete disgrace of myself on TV and maintain that their crew incisted that I get wrecked and _then_ sign the paperwork; and that they have many iligal practices. It taught me that just because something is on telly, even if it's proporting to be a 'documentary', that a lot of it can be so manipulated or fake... and as such, I feel sorry for people who look a tit on TV/media when in reality, they're normal people. Not all cases, but it happens a lot.
4) Big Breakfast, same as above without the booze. Was in a boxing ring wrestling inside sleeping bags. I was there to open my dad's shop with the ring for them, and "nobody turned up", yeh', right. Took 4 months to get the £100 I was origionally promised for opening up the shop for them, never saw the additional £100 they promised. They feed what I had to say, and when I said "Don't ask me what 'sport team' I play for 'cus I don't and I don't wanna lie and say I do; and them see it and I'll look like a twat" First question he asked was that, and I froze. I wish I said "I donno, I'm just doing what your producers told me" live on telly.

I don't think I would go on telly again unless under cirtain circamstances.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:02, Reply)

In terms of work I've done with telly, well, my dad did mostly but I was involved...
... my Dad owned a shop called Skate Attack which was a really major skating/hockey shop, where we sorted out (from what I can remmeber)

- Pretty much any skating show you can think off, or show where padding was required (Ice Warriors, Starlight Express, disney on ice, The Mighty Ducks*... and loads more)
- Pretty much any Blue Peter like show that had skating, we were involved somewhere, at least a few times a year.
- We sold Micheal Jackson, Sulton of Bruni, the cast of eastenders.
- Most of disney's UK promotional stuff, for example, inside those costumes they needed padding.

* For these ones I went to a private screening and took my entire class to the premier down central.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:19, Reply)

How much did you get for Michael Jackson?
Did you have to mark him down as 'damaged'?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:21, Reply)

We did a lot for him, but the main one was his skates that he used reguarly (apparently).
It was a pair of bright gold bouars (bowers? ermm.. you know, the brand that begins with 'b' that I can't spell). I have an A3 photo somewhere in my mum's attick of him with the skates, signed saying something like "Thank you Skate Attack" followed by his signature.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:44, Reply)

Those lowest common denominator shows
do indeed exploit the stupid - not that I'm saying you're stupid Gonz. You realised it, most of the hapless cretins making arses of themselves for the amusement of others have no idea that they are doing so.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:20, Reply)

They do, but it's not just the stupid, and I think it that however bad we blame the presenters for this sort of thing, the production team are far worst.
America is worst, they even get them to do reinactments and act things out.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:46, Reply)

I got de lurgy

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:21, Reply)

awww
morning BFF
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Mornin' 'andsome!
I'll be ok because my bezzy mate in here has just given me his stash of Beechams and whereas before I enjoyed being ill because it meant I could stay off or lounge a bit, now I'm determined to shake it off because I'm enjoying all the hard work.
SHOCK HORROR!

How's you?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:24, Reply)

nice one
I'm grand today. feeling very good about things
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:41, Reply)

That's boss that is
I am going to break my cafe boycott and get toast
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:42, Reply)

*toast fives*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:44, Reply)

bad luck chief
I assume that means I'm on point today. Hot lemon water and honey is meant to be good maybe with added chilli for a boost.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:23, Reply)

I had curry with green mofo chillies last night
I am deterrrrmined to kick this
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:25, Reply)

awww, cold + freshers must suck ass.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Freshers = colds!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

colds bastards
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Aw, they're mostly ok

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:35, Reply)

I dunno, I am one.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:45, Reply)

I imagine Monty wil extol the virtues of chimichurri momently
hope you feel better soon! I had Friday and Monday off with Can'tBeArseditis. I feel a lot better now.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:35, Reply)

Sometimes it's necessary
Are they called Mental Health Days now?
I call them Toast and Bed days.
Also, I didn't think Monty like Dick Van Dyke.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:36, Reply)

Mental Health Days sounds a bit American but I like it
also Poppinslolz
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:45, Reply)

Happy b3taday!
I've been on TV a few times, none terribly interesting: a film crew from Anglia News came and filmed a group of us wandering around our prep school, and I've appeared a few times as a singer (Songs of Praise, BBC Proms etc). I'm seriously thinking about applying to be on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire though.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 10:42, Reply)