arrested
Once got arrested for being a thieving little bugger (not guilty BTW) on a sunny Sat morning in June, went quietly as you do. Got let out again a few hours later after a good chat with the solicitor, and decided to go to the pub to drown my sorrows and was sat in the beer garden of the local crusty pub when who should walk outside but my good old friend the arresting officer. He promptly sat down with his pint and proceeded to skin up, i waited til he had finished before i made my presence felt. Needless to say next time i get in the shit I'm going to get let off as i had filmed it all on my phone. Cops -0 Lord of innocence- 1
(tompot Ian Beale can't catch oranges, the tit., Sun 25 Sep 2005, 23:22, Reply)

Euro-Cops
Bit of a vague QOTW, so make of this what you will:

As I've watched a bit of football overseas, inevitably I have bumped into Euro-Plod on most occasions. Two of the fruitiest continental OB are...

Italy - Will quite happily allow home supporters (in this case Inter Milan fans) to urinate / vomit / throw coins on visiting supporters. Even better than that, they'll gladly batter you over the head with their truncheons if you have the audacity to complain to them about it.

Norway - While strolling back to our hotel, down a pedestrianised shopping street in Oslo, singing various ditties in the early hours, the Norwegian Police used a 'hint' tactic to make you go home quietly. They do this by driving at walking pace about two feet behind you with their fog lights on in what can only be described as a Norwegian monster truck. Another interesting fact about them; they all have grey moustaches.
(Fatty Thornton, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 21:50, Reply)

pedantic but,
whats the question?

If its "do the police take the piss?" then IMHO yes. Recently, Having been attacked by a loon, we called the police for help. Got put on hold and eventually got told someone would be attending soon. After an hour of hiding from the loon in a church yard, we rang again and got told they were all busy. Fuck this for a game of soldiers! we went home. Only to woken at 3AM and giving a bollocking for leaving a crime scene. Tossers.

Come the revolution,

I'll be near the back somewhere
(paranoidvisions only in it for the money, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 21:39, Reply)

going for a piss
apparently, late one night a copper knocked on our front door.. and asked to use our toilet! what a cheeky bastard.. at least he didnt piss on the car
(carpetburns, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 21:31, Reply)

Great interrogation!
I live in the same village as George Micheal. One day I noticed 3 police helicopters above his house with their search lights focused all round the village. Me being inquisitive, I strolled down to see what was going on. As soon as I got anywhere near his house a helicopte beam started tracking me and before long I had two policemen with dogs telling me to get againsed the wall...as I willingly did. They then asked "Have you broken into this house tonight?" To which I replied "No!" and they let me go...... Yeh, I'd really admit it if I had
(mr.BIG I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 21:10, Reply)

I've only ever had one run in with the law
and I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for the pesky milkman.

After a heavy drinking session at the university in lancaster, I started the long walk back the the town of lancaster where I lived. Alcohol turned me into THIEF EXTRAORDINAIRE.

Actually, it turned me into a fuckwit. Wandering past the newsagent, a pile of newspapers had been delivered sitting outside. So I had myself one o'them for the morning.
Impressed with my dangerous living(and lightheaded from the cold air), I came across a rather pretty stone owl in a backgarden, and yoiiiiink it was in my pocket.
Now I was on a roll, a rampaging stroller of CRIIIIIME. I was thirsty, and I happened to note the milk had been delivered. Excellent.
I nabbed a bottle of milk and carried on my way, all in all I decided that enough was enough and I should quit while I'm ahead as a buzzing in my head turned into a slow whine.
Louder and Louder.
NYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Suddenly a milk float came out of nowhere(well, kind of) and a wrinkly fist shot out of the cab yelling a victory shout of "Gorra!" which I think is greek for "Boo!".
I was caught! This 70 year old milkman had me by my shirt and I was trapped. I was unafraid, whats the worst that can happen for a pint of milk? On the other hand, I had a stone statue of an owl in my pocket which could conceivably be expensive. Donning my thinking cap, I sneakily chucked it under the milk float making a rather clever *clunk* *clunk* *thunk*. Yes, my evil genius mind told me, theres no way he noticed that. Evil Genius told me to offer to pay for the milk and be apologetic, surely he could see I was just a scabby drunk student who regretted his crime?
Sadly, No. With a radio message to get the police and with pointy finger treatment I was informed that milk had been gone missing along this street for almost a month and the milkman had lain in ambush(Because Milk Floats are the ambush vehicle of choice naturally). This was perhaps bad, I was now Bovine Enemy Number One, I was apparantly the Don Giovanni of black market milk. I was getting a bit worried now(I should point out I had never stolen anything in my life up to this point), and morally I had reached a crossroads. OAP Milk Vigilante had a strong grip sure enough, but a good pull or push, and perhaps I could be away. However, looking at the guy, who seemed to be a bit sepia toned already, I decided that there was at least 25% chance milk theft would be Murder 1 and I couldn't face myself.

Suddenly, Raaaaaaarrrrrrrr Lancaster Constabulary had seen fit that the Don Milkovani needed the sodding RIOT VAN treatment, metal caged van tears up and I'm handed over to the police. I'm sure I heard the milkman cackle a bit as he mentioned there was something thrown under the van.... aah bugga.

The copper manhandles me a bit, arm behind the back treatment and lobs me in the back, and I was so frightened a tiny bit of wee came out.

Off we drive... and frankly, I'm a bit of a wuss, and I'm in tears in the back, thinking I'm going off for life imprisonment, and soapy showers. We get to the police station, and I'm processed, and the contents of my coat emptied, newspaper, 8 cigarettes and a lighter.
I sit in the holding cell for about an hour first, as the officer chucks in a rather nice prostitute called Vicky(name not changed, because I'd be protecting the guilty) with me. Prostitute gets pulled out 10 minutes later, signs something, and tells them she's gagging for a ciggie. Police officer shouts over to me "Oi! Is it ok if we let vicky have one of your cigarettes!".
Thinking its not a good idea to be selfish at this point, I reply with an affirmative girly whimper and nod.
Then they gave a ciggie to a member of the nighttime admin staff for their break.
Homeless guy gets the rest of my ciggies.

2 Hours Later...after a bit of an interview(where I absolutely agreed with everything he said, whimpered some more) and fingerprints taken, nicotineless, policeman drives me around to the house where I nicked the owl and tells me to put the owl back from where I got it.
Relieved he opens the window and tells me "Now don't do this again!" and drives off... leaving me pretty much the same 4 miles away from as when I started this whole business.

I went home and passed out.

Would do a length joke, but it'd be a bit lame by now.
(NoMoreFaith can believe its not bloody butter, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 21:00, Reply)

Ma favourit
Its rare that some punter outwits us smart alec coppers but it happens :)

Nicked one guy last month and read him his rights etc. He asked to clarify that we had to take note/record everything he said and we agreed. He thought about it then said, calmly, and orderly..

"Ow, ow, stop that, oh god it hurts, you pigs are really hurting me, ow ow no god not my eyes ahhhhh"

Made us laugh.

We kicked the shit out of him in the cells later.

Last bit not true, calm down.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 17:49, Reply)

Been mistaken for a copper once...
I was walking through the shopping centre in my town, wearing my sharp sixth-form suit, when i see a little kid (about 4 or 5, early school age) point at me and say "look mummy, Policeman!"

Fair play to him, but it was his mother who made the moment. She replied: "No, don't be silly, that's a security guard"

Also, plod can be plain daft. My missus was the victim of distraction burglary of an iPod recently by 'friends'. Upon realisation, she informs the police of who did it, what they stole and when, and so far they have done bugger all, useless bastards. Also, when my mum reported some chavs for criminal damage of a fence up the top of the road, complete with photos (yes she does read the Daily Mail), they took 10 days to even bother coming round, ane even when they did it was on a sunday morning at 9am. Ah well, the childish look of excitement on their faces when presented with a burned CD containing photos was priceless, obviously they were overjoyed at someone having done their work for them.
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Sun 25 Sep 2005, 16:44, Reply)

STUSUT79
Each week u never fail to amaze.....

Weird or genius?
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Sun 25 Sep 2005, 13:46, Reply)

On the other side of the coin . . . (yep, another long one! I can keep going all night.)
(I originally posted this on the "Toilets" QOTW, but it was ever-so-slightly off topic! Maybe it'll go better in this QOTW.)

I was recently on a camping weeking in North Wales. We camped about 3 miles from the nearest town and decided to get a lift from a mate who lives there into town for the evening.

Left the pub about 11:30. Tried to get a taxi but the earliest one would have been about 1am. "Come on", I said to my mate, "we can walk back to the campsite in an hour". So we did.

About half way there I really needed a piss. Obviously there were no facilites as it literally was the middle of nowhere. So I went up a little path while my mate waited by the road.

We were half-heartedly trying to hitch a lift from passing cars, so while I was relieving myself my friend was putting his thumb to good use. Unfortunately the only car that came past was a police car. It stopped up the road and reversed back down to him.

I had finished pissing by this point and was walking back. From where I was I could see a car with a light on the roof. "Great", I though, "he's managed to flag down a taxi." When I got a bit closer I could see how wrong I was, but it was too late to go back.

As I walked past the older copper said "Oy! What have you just been doing?" After attempting to explain the situation away, I finally admitted what I'd been doing. Long story short, they took my name and address (the younger copper gave me a bollocking because, frankly, I wasn't being very respectful, but they were being patronising jobsworths.)

Anyway, the upshot was I got given a warning, of which I am strangely proud. But come on, I ask you, where else are you supposed to take a piss in the middle of nowhere? Honestly!

So, who else has an ASBO then?
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 13:42, Reply)

V2002 (long, rambling post alert!)
At the V festival in Staffordshire, 2002.

We got there quite late and had no choice but to set up our tents at the back of the field, near one of the huge completely ineffective metal fences.

We set up camp and had an amazing day. We got back to the campsite on Saturday night. We couldn't help but notice a few campers nearby complaining about the "fucking Scallies" who were inhabiting a tent not far from ours. We had seen a few them earlier in the day blantantly wandering around the campsite with obviously stolen boxes of beer, stereos etc. Just basically living up to the Scally stereotype. Also we heard that they were letting their mates in over the security fence.

Anyway, late on Saturday night a few of us were still sitting around drinking and chatting when out of nowhere two blokes came running through the middle of us. The first was a Scally who was being chased by an irate camper who had just caught the cheeky scamp making off with some of his beer. The Scally stopped running, picked up one of the poles that were holding our windbreak in place (we do proper camping, us!) and WHACKED the other bloke over the head with it. There was blood everywhere, but luckily the bloke was okay and we managed to disarm the Scally and persuade him off to bed. (I'm 6'1" and I'm the shortest of my friends!)

Well, after that we had no choice but to go to the security blokes and explain the situation. It turned out that they were aware of what was going on and the police would be arriving the next morning. We felt it would be a good idea to stay awake until the police arrived, so a few of us stayed up the rest of the night.

At about 6 the next morning the police arrived, en masse. What followed can only be described as a game of "hunt the Scally". They had (at best) a 4 man tent. When the police arrived about 10 people came streaming out of this tent and went off running in various directions. They were all rounded up quite quickly, and the police spent quite a bit of time bringing various possesions out of their tent. I'm not exaggerating when I say that as well as the usual beer and stereos, one of these possessions was a massive plastic camping table with benches.

Anyway, the rest of our party were up by then (us having woke them up so they wouldn't miss the always gratifying sight of a Scally in handcuffs). Seeing we were awake the Sergeant decides to come over for a chat. We give him a cup of tea, offer him a bacon sandwich and he sits down with us.

(The only slight problem with this was that my mate had just rolled a joint and spent the whole time with a manic grin on his face, and his arm tucked behind his back!)

This Sergeant made one comment that will stick in my mind for ever. "Bloody Scousers", he said. "If I had my way I'd take a bloody flame-thrower to the whole of Liverpool!"

Staffordshire Police. Gotta love 'em!

Woo, that was a long one. Brought tears to my eyes, etc, etc...
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 13:31, Reply)

Heard it before...Sorry...
So my mate, we'll call him "Blackie"...Well, because he's black you see...

Anyway, we were at school one day (quite young, 5 or 6) and the teacher asks me "What noise do chickens make?" and I reply "cluck cluck cluck"...

She asks Blackie "What sound do pigs make?"

"GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR, PUT YOUR HANDS ON THE HOOD MOTHERFUCKER AND SPREAD 'EM".
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Sun 25 Sep 2005, 12:18, Reply)

Not mine but..
A work buddy of mine "Jon" was telling me a story of him and a few friends.

It goes like this:

They have a few beers, and decide to go to the pub, problem: not enough seats. Solution: Jon gets in the trunk of the car.

Caught speeding and for drunk driving everyone gets hauled to the station, except Jon, who spent 12 hours in the car on the side of a road where the cops left the car. He finally got out when the boys were let out.
(Human, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 9:35, Reply)

Bald tyres
Today I refused a Hire Van from T@rg€t Vans because both front tyres were bald on both outer rims, 1" wide and as smooth as my arse.
The 'manager' informed me that they were legal and they were supplying two vans (today) to the Police in the same condition and they did not complain, ever.

It seems that theres one rule for the peasants and another for our boys in blue.

Having pulled people out of crushed vans and about to venture onto the M25, I refused it and was asked to leave when the next two customers also refused the vans having overheard.
When I got to Thrifty Vans, Voila all the other customers were there too and the chaps there guessed why too!

The two vans went to the local Police without complaint!
(chrisjw, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 5:57, Reply)

Silly prank
The one story I have involving the police is an interesting one. At least, it is to me, and I want to tell it, so sod you if you don't find it interesting!

At about 2am on Thursday the 19th of May this year, some friends and I snuck into school to play various pranks, because it was coming up to our last day. We were originally going to do it the next day, but felt the need to do it that night because we knew that some other friends were doing a prank that night, and we didn't want to be outdone.

So we snuck in, the Mission Impossible theme tune running through our heads (or maybe just through mine) as we ran along the playing fields. Their mission, should they choose to accept it... fill in as many locks as possible with PolyFilla. My mission - stick post-it notes on as many windows as possible. The post-its had things like smiley faces :-) and musical notes on them. Silly things. Also, some toilet paper was strewn about and some Brylcreem was spread on a seat.

By 3am we had finished, and started to drive away from school. But remember that some other friends had planned a prank that night? They'd executed it just before we had, and had been seen by a member of the public. The police were called. Who saw us pulling away...

The blue flashing lights pulled us over, and after some brief questioning (in which my mate almost shat himself), we were arrested on suspicion of criminal damage and burglary.

Now, for some reason, I was the only one out of four lads who thought "Hmmm... in trouble with the law... legal representation might be a good idea" so I, and I alone, asked to see the duty solicitor. And she told me to say "no comment" to everything they asked me. Which I did.

"Do you know anything about these post-it notes?" "No comment." "These locks are filled in, did you do it?" "No comment". "Is this shaving foam on the bench"... you get the idea. But then came the question I'd been looking forward to the most....

"Do you recognise this room? The cleaner went in it this morning. Do you know what she found?"

"No comment"

"Twenty two chickens. Did you have anything to do with that?"

*Barely suppressing laughter* "No, but I wish I had."

Apparantly all four of us had the exact same response. For you see, the police had been called by a member of the public who had seen our mates carrying boxes of chickens up to one of the rooms. Twenty two of the buggers. The police were desperately hoping we could tell them where the chickens were from so they could return them, but alas, we knew nothing.

Funnily enough, lunch the next day... anyway...

The "no comment" stuff paid off. While all the others got cautions and criminal records, I got let off entirely after a month. It still took me another month to get my clothes back though. For the record - spending a night in the cells in blue police clothing is not something I want to do again.

Flash forward several months later. It's a week before Reading Festival, and my mate has given me her tent because I'm going up a day early, so I can pitch hers. Unfortunately, she gave it to me while I was a little bit wasted, and somewhere between hers and home I managed to lose it.

Given that it was a brand new tent I really wanted to find it for her. Someone suggested trying the local police station, and I thought "Can't do any harm".

So I wait in the police station while someone hands in a phone they've found. And as I approach the window...

Officer: "Hello... hang on, don't I know you from somewhere?"

Me: "Err.... yes..."

"It was that night, wasn't it, by the school!"

"Yup, that's it! Criminal damage and burglary."

"I remember that mate. Oh, and over there (points over his shoulder) is the arresting officer!"

So, having given the officer details about the tent, I then had a nice conversation with the lady who arrested me about how I'd done in my A2 levels, and how I was meant to be camping but had lost my tent.

It was rather surreal.

*Some witty comment about length*
( Detrius521, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 2:23, Reply)

To people....
like Dr.Whogivesaratsarse... while stusut's stories are, to be totally honest, bordering on the clinically insane, it shows some sort of imagination and I for one enjoy reading his loony ramblings. You are entitled to your opinion for sure, but I don't think anyone gives a rats arse about it.

The only run in I had with the police was back in South Africa in my school years. A few friends and I were in the local school yard at the age of about 15 smoking the local herb. We all kinda forgot it was halloween (not hugely celebrated in SA as we see some fucked up shit most nights of year). Cue us all stoned running around the rugby field talking utter crap. Cue blue lights and 4 cops running onto the field. We all split up running for any sort of hiding place we can find. Only one of us got caught and dragged of to the station. In his statement he was very eloquent as he described what we were all doing there on halloween (they thought devil worshipping!) by upchucking all over the sergeants shoes. He did apologise though which I thought was quite nice.

Luckily it was all forgotten about and my mate was allowed to carry on doing what we all did best!

All respect to the cops... nasty job to do and I've never been caught so I harbour no ill-feelings towards them.

[relurk]
(shoe pastry, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 1:56, Reply)

French fuck ups
In Paris Gare du Nord station with my dad aged about 12 and there was a bomb scare so loads of policemen and bomb disposal chaps turn up. They don't evacuate the station though, cos it is only a leetle bum, instead they just move everyone back 30 yards or so. Out comes one of those cool bomb busting robot things which trundles over to the suspect package (a plastic carrier bag) picks it up with its jonney 5 style pincers... and drops it. I have never seen so many people wince at the same time.

Luckily it was only a plastic carrier bag, dangerous only to otters and small children. But still.
(donksta, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 1:34, Reply)

Kicked out of a street by Dublin Coppers
In Dublin one night, while falling up the road home after a jolly evening out with some chums, about 5 of us decided it would be hilarious if we linked arms, and skipped heavily along, screaming "la la-la, la-la" over and over. Eventually, we collapsed to the floor, on Grafton Street, screeching with laughter. We look up, and see a copper staring down at us. We looked back at him, good naturedly, waiting for the inevitable "had a few drinks, have we?" or the " having fun, lads?" trademark copper quip that would precede us agreeing to get up and stop messing about. But no. The first thing the cop says is a stark "Fuck off out of Grafton Street."

Not a "hello", not a "what are you playing at", no foreplay, no messing around. We stared at him. I said "Eh?"

And he said again "Get the fuck off of Grafton Street." We all stopped laughing, quietly got up, and got the fuck out of Grafton Street. He actually kicked us out of a street. Humourless cunt. If we'd been English wankers on a stag night, I'd have understood it. But we were Irish. We could have argued our case, but he'd probably have shot us in the head, and raped our mums.
(ralphyk, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 1:17, Reply)

To people like stusut who make up weird shit for no reason
One thing to say.


(Dr.Whogivesaratsarse, Sun 25 Sep 2005, 0:30, Reply)

Two stories
No. 1: As a hospice nurse, I have to report any death at home to the Medical Examiner (coroner) and the local police. One time I went to pronounce someone and amidst the sobbing relatives, I call the dispatcher and explain a lady had died. "Fine, we'll send a car right out." was the reply.

Somehow the message had not been passed along. The police only heard 'dead body on site, perpetrator still there' and came with lights, sirens, guns drawn and screaming "GET DOWN! GET DOWN!"


All of them but the rookiest officer left in a hurry when I explained why the dead body was a 99 year old lady comfortably ensconced in a bed.


No. 2: A certain person in the military police told me this story. (I'll deny it with my last breath)

An Iraqi had been caught on the streets after curfew. The MP was teaching the Baghdad police standard interrogation techniques and got exasperated with the prisoner. The guy tearfully stuck to his story and they couldn't shake him. (Amazingly enough, he was telling the truth and really had been trying to get home from his brother's house when he was caught. Imagine that!)

The MP says, "You guys sit here and chill. I'm gonna get a cup of coffee." When he returns, he walks in on the prisoner hanging by his knees from a pipe with his hands trapped painfully under his legs as the police are screaming at him and hitting him with sticks. The Staff Sargeant explodes, "What the FUCK are you doing!?" and cuts the poor guy down saying "Aseef, aseef!" ("Sorry, dude.")

He worked for a time in the Abu Ghraib police station, not the prison. He was transferred before the horrible shit came out.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sat 24 Sep 2005, 23:03, Reply)

Cops pulled us over
We were pulled up because the car we were in had expired tags... They wound up CONFISCATING the car's license plate and towing the car, but only after making us sit around for two hours in the car park, panicking. We had to walk all the way back to our point of origin, but fortunately it wasn't a LONG stroll - we'd only been driving for five minutes when the pigs pounced.

And to add insult to injury, our driver was ticketed for the wrong fucking offence - the officer who wrote him up put the wrong code down on the ticket, and as a result he narrowly avoided being charged with a felony instead of a misdemeanor. Had he not contested the ticket in court, he would have gone to jail.
(Dr.Whogivesaratsarse, Sat 24 Sep 2005, 22:16, Reply)

your all gay !
Aged early 20's I guess, decided on a beer fuelled night of camping. Ten of us set off in cars to the local beach where you could park your car, walk along the beach to a clearing with a pond. But the tides in - pond / clearing unreachable. Cars loaded with ale / tents etc. not wanting to waste the night we end up on a grassy area at the top of a local wannabe middle class housing estate. Pitch tents, drink beer, be merry. Friendly bloke like banter, rather loud at times, bit of drunken wrestling, then some lad gets his pants pulled down whilst somebody grabs a stick to whip him. All harmless fun lit by torches. Then a voice is heard (talking into hi radio) "YES, SARGE, I'VE FOUND THE NOISY BASTARDS - LOOKS LIKE A BUNCH OF BOTTOM BANDITS INTO S&M" He and his colleagues then light up the scene with their torches, tell us to pack the tents and they're gonna take us all home and tell our folks we were found in a gay S&M moment! On the way down from the field with the coppers following us taking the piss, we all break for it and run in different directions - while the coppers spend the rest of the night playing "hunt the gay" -we all escaped !
(b3tan generation, Sat 24 Sep 2005, 21:05, Reply)

Actually officer...
Just to give this story a bit of context, it was a couple of weeks before one of my mate's 18th, and being skint we knew we couldn't get him a present. He told us that no present would be necessary, but we would have failed him as friends if he didn't wake up on the day of his 18th with a traffic cone in his bed.
We soon located a worthy cone, and to make it look more celebratory, a couple of days before the event, we tied balloons to it.

Fast forward, and its the day before his birthday, as his actual 18th was to be spent in the pub, but he wanted to include the underage folk in the festivities. We arrange to gather at a beach shelter-type thing. I bring the birthday cone, but for fear of all things illegal, decide the best course of action would be to bring it in a bag, a bloody big camping rucksack to be precise.

Upon arrival I present him with his masterful present, but he leaves it in the bag for safekeeping, and also I give him another balloon with "I'm 18, get me booze" written on it, in biro, which he ties around his neck (not in a deadly way, he just needed somewhere to keep ot out of the way for his drinking). My own, limited, stash of pre-bought booze is placed somewhere in a random backpack. At this moment the police decide to appear from nowhere, and ask us all to empty our bags. The older ones of the group claim the alcohol is theirs, so as to avoid trouble. Then they see the big camping bag.

Thinking they are obviously going to get somewhere with this they pompously ask my friend what is in the bag. Or more to the point they assume the bag is brimming with alcohol. My friend, not wanting his birthday ruined simply replies:

"Actually officer its a traffic cone with balloons tied to it, and the some of the alcohol is mine, see it's my 18th birthday!"
He shows them the balloon, and according to Hampshire constabulary this is sufficient identification of age, so they plod on their merry way.
( Trijian, Sat 24 Sep 2005, 20:17, Reply)

Tossers!
When I was at college, I was walking down the street with my best mate who was talking about the driving leson she just had, how her instructer told her she didnt indicate when she did.
Just then we saw 2 policemen in their car zoom out of the road, cliping the pavement where we were and drive off without indicateing.
Now my mate is a bit of a drama queen and things stir her alot, so she was yelling and shaking her fist at them as they drove off.

2 minutes later the police were tailing us very slowly all the way up the road to freak us out. Then they drove off, narrowly missing the roundabout
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Sat 24 Sep 2005, 19:59, Reply)

Over the summer...
I was wandering to the pub with a mate, when we saw that the air ambulance had landed on the cricket field we had to wal past. then i heard running behind us, and this plain-clothed police officer came running up behind us, and flashed his badge at us, asking if if we could take him to some houses the other side of the field because he was confused by the one-way system.

so, me and my mate are put in an unmarked Ford Focus estate, and off we go with blues and twos, proper ace i've never been driven so aggressively anywhere in my life. Quite what happened to the poor bloke with severe internal bleeding i'll never know...
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Sat 24 Sep 2005, 19:49, Reply)

the price of death
i was merrily cycling my way to my first job, in the pitch dark at 4 in the morning.
whilst darting off the pavement i cut up jam sandwich, who quickly pulled me over. out steps the obligatory fresh faced young cop and old jaded tosser cop.
"why dont you have any lights fitted to you bike?"
"because i cant afford them. i havnt had my first paycheck yet"
"well, can you afford... TO DIE?" he says over dramaticaly
helpfully, the young pig makes a fair counter point-
"dying is free, mick"
(furey, Sat 24 Sep 2005, 17:14, Reply)

Good Essex Cop !
Amazing - I lived in Sussex, worked in Essex. Prior to family moving to Essex I would visit them at weekends, but son was ill so drove to see them, drive back to Southend at 4AM - the A127 - dead straight of the M25 in my car.. no other cars, then some flashing lights..
'know how fast your were going'
'erm, 80'
'try 112'
Turns out its a dog cop and i get let off ! What a absolute gent of a copper - told me mates at SoS and informed 'you f**king lucky c**t'.
Rah for doggy cops
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Sat 24 Sep 2005, 15:59, Reply)

Railway Decapitation
My old housemate's father is a detective for the Bristol area. one day he was called out to a railway line leading out of the city where there had been a death on the railway line as a train hit someone (suicide or foul play not known) As a result the body was now minus a head. to do all of the forensics stuff they like to do, they had to close down the line for a while with the train due to leave being stuck in the station.

the search for the head wasn't going too well as the train had been going at some speed when it hit the poor bugger.
After an hour it is agreed that the trainline should be opened up again, with the trains moving slowly past my friend's dad and the other officers playing hunt the head.
Just as the first train to leave the station pulls along side one of the officers he turns around holding a severed head shouting "found it".
Apparently the look of horror on the passengers' faces was priceless.
( sudo is bored, Sat 24 Sep 2005, 15:26, Reply)

Never been done by the cops, but there's still plenty of time...
My dad has though.

Having refreshed himself with a few gallons of cider in Bournemouth, he was just cruising home merrily (in his Ford Cortina, bless him), when he clipped a parked car and broke off the wing mirror. Being an honest soul (I suspect I might have just floored it and made for the horizon), he knocked on the owner's door and apologised, and because he is such a charming bloke, got everything sorted out. After saying goodnight and shaking hands, he got back into his car.

Then the "filth" arrived.

It turned out, some nosy neighbour had actually witnessed my poor dad "vandalising" the car, had called the boys in blue, who promptly showed up en masse. Handcuffed, he was driven to the copshop, where a lugubrious sergeant wrote out a report of the incident. Handing this to my father, he simply said "Sign there"; my dear old drunken dad did better than that. When the sergeant got the report back he had fit - dad had gone through the whole thing correcting the near illiterate sergeant's spelling mistakes, and giving it a D minus grade ("Must try harder - see me after the lesson").

After a night in the cells, he was woken by the viewing grate opening, and a grunted question "You want some breakfast?". "Sure," replied dad, "What's on the menu?".

Slam.
( alcuin, Sat 24 Sep 2005, 15:23, Reply)

Georgia on my mind
During our carefree, sobriety-free college days, Dave, Jim and I decided that a drive to Florida would be a good idea. Since we were young and knew everything we knew that driving through Georgia at 90mph would get us there rather quick. Unbeknowst to us the Georgia troopers are ever on the lookout for cars with northern plates, especially ones that are going faster than 56 in a 55. It wasn't long before we were being persued by the local gendarme. We knew that the best course of action was to pull over. The cop approached the car wearing his broad brimmed hat and mirrored sunglasses. Jim, sitting in the back seat, looks at him and starts laughing saying that the guy looks like something out of "Cool Hand Luke."
The cop strolls up to the window and asks, "Boy, do you know how fast you were going?"
Dave, who was driving at the time, replies "I guess we were speeding."
"Boy, you were doing 92 in a 55."
We were all silent.
The officer states, "Boy, nobody goes through Georgia that fast."
Jim, ever the joker and never knowing when to keep his mouth shut, suddenly remembers his US history and pipes up "Sherman did!"
The officer has us get out of the car. He thoroughly searches the vehicle and finds nothing illegal. He begins to give us a stern lecture on safe driving.
At this point, Jim has had enough of the cop's antics and asks him, "What is your problem? Did you go to prick school?" The cop just stares at him. At least we thought he was behind those mirrored glasses.
"Graduate cum laude?"
"What did you say son?"
"Did you go to prick school or did somebody piss on your donut this morning?" are Jim's final words before the cop makes us pile into the back of his car. He drives us to the local station where we are forced to spend the night in a cell while they do a "background check" on us. We all had clean records (at the time) and were finally released in the morning.
(StinkyCheeseMan, Sat 24 Sep 2005, 14:57, Reply)