Wascally Weasel
I want to see the song you made up. I command it in the name of pretentious bollocks.
(Mad McMad, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 10:38, Reply)

Mulholland Drive
i sat through this piece of pretententious art wank - thats 145 minutes of my life i'll never get back! All the way through i was saying "this is shit", but my girlfriend assured me it'd make sense in the end - did it fuck!

If by any chance you're reading this Lynch - i'm having that 145 minutes from your life, you cunt.

Oh yeah - and people who liked mulholland drive - it got 7.9/10 on imdb's user ratings. Nobody knows what it means, they just dont want to look ignorant.



ps. got to see nudity though!
(basshedz2, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 10:36, Reply)

And at the risk of making myself a B3ta hate figure....
...stusut79.

I, for one, can't even be arsed to read those epics anymore.

My loss I suppose, still at least they're vaguely on topic, unlike the slew of bumkissery that always follows.
(this is a shit username, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 10:17, Reply)

I've got so many of these...
I'm a designer by nature and (used to) get invited to lots of exhibitions and art-crap stuff. The best by far was in Derby above a swanky noodle bar.

Picture the scene: two DJ-ists in the middle of the floor area both armed with a personal CD player hooked up to a mixer and a PA, they both take turns ejecting a CD, drilling holes in it then putting it back in the machine and mixing it in with the other. This continues with both of them finally drilling through the actual CD players in a sparktastic, arse-baffling-electro-noise crescendo.

Just as this happens a tramp walks in and stands directly in front of them, as the noise stops the tramp says very loudly 'What a load of ode' bollocks' in a broad Derbyshire accent and walks out.

The audience politely clapped as proceeded to spit my beer out and piss myself laughing.

Art wankers, I ask yer...
(cherry B, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 10:12, Reply)

U2
Anytime in the last 15 years.

Made all the worse by the fact that they used to be good.

You know where to start looking if you ever find the edge (I refuse to capitalise such a ridiculous name) and Bono in a bloody heap....

(edit- I should have typed "bono" obviously- the cock named shitdip)
(this is a shit username, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 10:11, Reply)

Stusut79
I have started dreaming about him too!!!!! I dreamt we were going on a date and I was really scared because he woldn't let me see his face! Glad it's not just me then... Stusut79 you are seeping into the B3tan consciousness......
(Mad McMad, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 10:08, Reply)

Oi Emadex
What's wrong with a prosthetic bollock if you lose one to disease? Not like anyone can *tell* is it? (Even the scar would get lost in the folds - arf!!) I think any woman would be be more concerned if you got your kit off and bingo no bollocks at all....

Mine are fine btw :)
(InfiniteZenMaster, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 10:07, Reply)

But is it ART?
Has anyone else started having dreams about Stusut79's posts?

I have a recurring one where one of his/her more disturbing offerings chases me down a long brown tunnel, its tentacles banging a drum made from human eyelids and its own excreta while its gibbering lips chant the Necronomicon to the theme tune from the Antiques Roadshow. I wake up just before it reaches me. But every night it gets just a little bit closer.

Two questions:
1) has anyone else had this dream?
2) how long before some performance artist rips off b3ta.com and enters it for the Turner Prize?
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 10:05, Reply)

Jelly
I was in Bristol a few weeks back and saturday morning there were two girls wandering round with plates of jelly on their heads.

I don't know what the fuck it was supposed to mean but they were lucky not to have had them ripped from their bonces and cast into the fucking canal

Pretentious self-satisfied fuckpiggery titwank arsicle shitbiscuit CUNTSSSAHHHH!!!!!!!11111one!

And if it was an advertising stunt then everything above bastard squared.
(InfiniteZenMaster, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 9:58, Reply)

Mars Volta
Manchester. Two fellas basically wanking with guitars for 2 hours. It was about 7 deep at the bar.
(bluebiscuit, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 9:57, Reply)

The Towers of London
Pretentious, fashion-mulleted, trying so so so so hard to be "rock n' roll" that me and most of the audience wanted to be sick.
(weirzbowski, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 9:57, Reply)

Pretentious Technical staff.
Working in a lab with pretentious bosses with doctorates in some obscure area of chemistry. They feel they are superior in every way as they spent wasted more time at uni.

Also those little bastard kids at gigs that are more hardcore than thou, without a fucking brain cell between them.

Pricks I went to school with who are still living in the same area doing sweet FA with their lives that look down at me when I go back for a week to see my Parents.

Finally this post

/length, girth and size innuendo
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 9:46, Reply)

Oh dear
Pretentious boorlorks

I am obliged, when I mark the work of students, not to present them with any negative feedback whatsoever. So - instead of writing "You are quite clearly stupid" on the marked work of a particularly dim student, I am expected to write, "This work demonstrates that you still have a number of knowledge opportunities available to you."

Thank you. I'll be in a tower block above a university campus with a powerful rifle and sights all week :-)
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 9:39, Reply)

Bollocks pretending to be...bollocks.
I used to work with a guy in Brisbane who had his balls removed due to testicular cancer.
The surgeon replaced his rotten nuts with "testicular prosthetics" - basically a pair of non functioning silicone testes.

That has to be the ultimate in "pretentious bollocks".

Except perhaps for this ambiguous double entendre post...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 9:07, Reply)

Salvador Dali
the life of.
(teasus likes tea, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 9:04, Reply)

Axe Hero
Dragged to the Hammersmith Odeon (as was) by my hard-rockin' friends to see Al di Meola ("The greatest guitarist in the world, man. It'll rock HARD"). I paid far too much on the door, and got in just in time for the man himself to walk on stage, perch on a stool and treat us to two hours of rambling jazz odyssey on the acoustic guitar.

One guy at the front was going ape-shit-mental to Meola's random noodlings, and the bar was packed.

No refunds.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 8:02, Reply)

art students
A friend of mine, while studying fashion at a london art school, often came across truly pretentious wankers. The weirdest was Rachel, a girl who had fits whenever she wasn't getting enough attention. One day, Rachel decided to have a fit in the middle of a busy courtyard. So while she's convulsing on the floor of said courtyard, rather than seeking medical assistance, a wanky art student proceeds to strategically place rocks around her, then stand back and admire his ground breaking work. Pretentious cockmonkey.
(something clever about willies and sex wee, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 7:45, Reply)

Pretentious? any job description
My job description is:
Airfield meteorological observer / support staff.

What does this mean?

It means I get paid to look out of the window to see if it's raining, play with balloons and do some colouring in.

Also a few years back my employers started an award scheme for "Innovative suggestions / implementations". This was one of the winners in 2003:

Purchase and Retrieval of second-hand Radars from Botswana and Ghana. Savings of £600,000+ have been made by recovering radars from Africa. This has saved time and effort in having to train up technical staff to support new radar technologies which has had an impact on response times for fixing operational faults, a primary target for service delivery to external customers that can effect bonus payments under the contract terms. This project was also significant for it’s cross-organisation team effort.

My take on this?:

We buy obsolete equipment from third world countries.

Apologies for length etc
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 29 Sep 2005, 7:38, Reply)

I went out to a keg party
with my ex girlfriend and her scabrous new girlfriend. I was tripping on mescaline. The people had a carpeted stage in the basement and some ugly girl was on it playing a guitar and singing wretched original songs.
The performer stopped and asked me and scabrous new girlfriend to stop talking. She actually asked us our names first and then asked us by name to stop disrupting her performance.
Ex girlfriend, who was the butch type, said [isoscles brown] is going to sing now and took her guitar. We played Angel From Montgomery and then I spent the rest of the night in a corner with two guys telling me about some zombie movie they'd rented from the store I worked in.
I meant to say the shushing guitar player was pretentious but reading what I wrote five years after it happened makes me realize I'm pretentious too. Tee hee!

P.S. Did anyone else get a pop up from the Cloaca site with animation of Mr Clean with no torso or legs and exposed intestines telling you to buy one of these machines to improve the look of your home's interior; I believe he also mentioned something about it being a good investment. I shit you not!
(Hannah_Fruit, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 7:09, Reply)

Musical Saw...
A local coffee shop hosted a prom-type party where everyone dresses up, and much merriment and coffee ensues.

Standing in the line 10 minutes before the doors open, I begin to make conversation with the man behind me, who is holding a saw.

"Oh...you must be the opening act!"
"Of course! Haven't you ever heard of musical saws?"

I took this for sarcasm, and we had a good laugh about it.

The doors open, everyone goes in, and I forget about my saw-carrying friend.

Until the music starts.

For twenty minutes, this man rubs a bow against his saw, creating something akin to the sound of cats fighting, while 100 or so dancegoers look on in disbeleif.

It was truely surreal.
(sponch!, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 6:50, Reply)

Another
My girlfriend worked as a script girl for some independent Korean movie. The actors were all second-rate soap actors and a few TV commercial actors.

One such actress shows up on set, and someone asks her for her name. She throws a big hissy fit: "Don't you know who I am? I'm that girl who was in that commercial!" As you can tell I don't know which commercial it was.

Sometime later, she sits on my girlfriend's sunglasses, crushing them. Someone told my girlfriend who did it, so she went to confront the woman. Once cornered, the actress confessed she sat on my girlfriend's glasses, so she started pulling out money to pay for them. Yeah, she's a big successful actress. Truth be told, I bought her the sunglasses for around 5000 won, which I assume is roughly 2 or 3 pounds. Basically what it would cost for a Big Mac Meal.

So my girlfriend refuses the money, and says "Use it to bribe another director into letting you be in another commercial."

/pwned.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 6:15, Reply)

I go here
www.nida.com.au/

And although we have a lot of great great stuff going on, pretentious wank is rife. Just see most things that happen in the name of 'Movement'.
( The Togaboy The world will end on, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 6:09, Reply)

Pretentious art wank
I got flown over to Tilburg in Holland to work for 3 months for Acer computers (yay!) and apart from the gruelling 12 hour days the night life was great, what a surprise!
I went to this club to see Ganja Krew(hard drum and bass) and had a great time, was mashed and enjoying myself.
However, the venue was built like a stadium, with the dancefloor on a slope, and in the middle of all these mashed ravers was a 5m square cube with 2 fit girls and a guy in it. They were doing mime and acting and shit.
I watched them for what felt like a lifetime and then wandered off for some less cultured fun.
Thankfully, on my return, they had all got their kit off and were rolling about, so got a good view of tits and bush. Oh, there was a cock too for the ladies.
Nice.
You can tell how minced I was as I just wandered away and ended up going home. Apparently the peak of the set was full on shagging, which I got told about by everyone the next day.
Bah.
( gadjie, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 6:05, Reply)

Industrial Design
My sister used to be an ID student at the University of Alberta. Oh, the good old days when ID meant other things.

She had a crush on this fairly successful ID grad student. He won an award for designing sunglasses that fasten to your face without arms. The secret: a magnetic implant in your nose between your eyes.

You don't have to know much about the human body to know why this would be incredibly unhealthy. And let me repeat: he won an award, as well as a good deal of grant money, for something that will never be manufactured or commercially sold.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 6:03, Reply)

Pretentious bollocks
I live on an island whose main product seems to be artists. Our local gallery ran an exhibition featuring a local artist whose paintings were mostly...well, just black. Though there were a couple of white ones. And a red one. The local paper's arts column had things to say about how very profound this was and how the viewer is drawn in by the reflectiveness of the surface and thus invited to reflect upon themselves (ie. "they're just plain black, but it's nice shiny gloss paint."). A friend made repeated visits to the gallery just to mock them. On his final visit he found a woman taking photos. "Gee, won't THAT be an interesting picture." he said and expounded at length. Of course, she turned out to be the artist.
(scuttlefish is drifting into the arena of the unwell, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 6:01, Reply)

Protest Training Course
I worked at an entertainment magazine in Canada, and the editor sent me on assignment to photograph some sort of protest training session shortly before a G8 demonstration in Montreal.

The day was spent mostly with training sessions about what to do in case of police attack and all sorts of safety tips, including home remedies for pepper spray. I saved my camera for the final thing, which sounded like it would be more photogenic. Some kind of demonstration.

So the demonstration comes, and they put on hippie music, and everyone starts moving around the room, dancing, walking, skipping, whatever their weird little hippie hearts wanted. It's apparently an exercise where you're supposed to explore your boundaries with other people. I backed out of the room and took off running.

My editor was very displeased with me.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 5:38, Reply)

I'll probably recall a bunch of these during the week
I do a zine in Korea. So far we've only had one issue, but the next one is around the corner. It's mostly English articles about Korean underground music, because we had so much trouble getting the damn things translated.

So one American friend who's been in Korea since 1999 decides to write a piece in us for Korean.

When I asked him what it was about, he said, "Bastards who don't speak Korean."

I look at the thing and it's written half in Chinese (as Korean newspapers tend to rely on Chinese characters for certain things). But at the amount he had in there, it just looked pretentious. So I asked him why he wrote it that way. "To make it harder for them to read."

Yeah, thanks. So I gave it to my girlfriend to translate. It's a very rambling piece that talks about the importance of Koreans learning English and Westerners learning Korean. The thing is fraught with mistakes and the writer looks down his nose at us whiteys as well as Korean culture a little bit.

So what did I do with it? Headline story, unedited and as submitted.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 5:14, Reply)

Had to be watching Incubus play. How they got the status they seem to have is beyond me
So very tedious. Either that or listening to Metallica give interviews. I fuck ye not when I quote what one particular member said: "There were bands doing songs about X, Y and Z so we couldn't do that."
(Guineapiggy Fuzzeh!, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 5:13, Reply)

Fucking Hunter
So I was talking about what makes horror movies successful with my "friend" Hunter. It read as follows:
"You see, Digitdean, people go to horror movies because they're a reaffirment of life."
"The hell?"
"Yeah. It makes people feel better about their lives."
"Hunter, I don't really think people have that much time to think about shit like that."
"Look, Digitdean, I've taken classes. I'm going to be a filmmaker. I know what I'm talking about."

No you fucking don't, Hunter. Oh, and by the way, I'm going to be a "filmmaker" too. The only difference between him and I is the fact that I won't be afraid to get my hands dirty, go down to the lowest common denominator, and make fucking millions. Fucking Hunter can film me pissing on him. Fuck.

Yeah. How pretentious is that?
(Digitdean: Disappointing Fans Since 1989!, Thu 29 Sep 2005, 4:08, Reply)