I always seem to attract the fat weirdo
A year a or so ago i was not in a rather happy place as I was going through some mental health problems. It had taken me most of the week to get up enough umph to go into town, brave the crowds and get some much needed soap from Wilkinsons.
I grabbed what I wanted spotted the nearest till by the exit and made a bee line directly towards it.
Standing in front of me at the till was a fat Janner (Plymouth's version of a chav), she had 5 kids with her and an extra sprog in a push chair surrounded by bags of Iceland pizzas and pies. Being a typical Janner she was screaming and shouting at the kids, who all had names that had recently been featured on an episode Eastenders, or named after certain cars. Her language was blue, dark blue with little specks of black around the edges and all said at the top of her voice.
She turns round to me and says "I can't believe 'ow s'pensive this back to school shoppin' is, I ad to get Harley, & charline some books and stuff 'nd som' choclate and nappies for the young one" and on she rattled a bit more to me about the high prices that feature in Wilkos and having a large litter of kids
Being that it had taken me a lot to get to town and to cope with people somewhere in my mouth came this sentence...
"Maybe you should stop breeding then?"

There was no reply.......

Another incident....I don't know if this a put down but I'll add it here
One day I was in the train station in Plymouth, I was at the front of the queue, there was a oldish guy about mid 50's huffing and puffing behind me and complaining
"Why haven't they got more tills open, where are all the staff, I'm running late, my train is about to go" etc etc....
This was in the days where I had a job working for Laithwaites/direct wines and worked in the customer complaint department. For people who don't know Laithwaites do all their business by telephone. So I would sit on a phone all day long handling problems, generally from members of the public who haven't bothered reading the small print of the advert.
Anyway this was my only day off in the middle of a long long stint of work as it was coming up to Christmas and we had been really busy sorting out distribution problems as it had snowed rather heavily.
Suddenly something just snapped inside me I turned around and said
"Look mate, I have a job dealing with complaints from members of the public, most of the day I get shouted at, complained at and sworn at
because of some little mistake that has happened. This is my day off, its not my fault or the person at the desk's fault that you haven't got here on time to buy a ticket for your train, so do us all a favour and shut the fuck up"
I turned around and calmly walked to the next available window, with a sound of deflation behind me

I don't know if its a put down but it put him in his place...

Wherever I go the fat weirdo always seems to follow me be it trains, planes, boats, buses, in shops etc they have a habit of telling me their life stories and problems... I'm now have a job as a mental health counselor, so as soon as they begin to ramble their issues to me I produce a card with my 0870 number on and a price guide of my services. Most of the time I listen and chat to them but somedays I just do not want to know...

last one...
My sister and I have seem to have great sibling rivalry, generally featuring words such as "You smell"
One day I decided to tell my sister that she was adopted from Peru and her family were llama farmers, it became an ongoing joke, including documents birth certificates and photos being produced to back up my claims...
This year in May she got married, I asked if i could do a speech (The only way i could do one was if it got vetted by our mum). There I was in front of about 80 people warbling about the last time there had been a family wedding and that morning she had electrocuted me (I was 2 at the time) and other stories until I got near to the end of my speech. I rounded it up by presenting my sister's husband with my sister's green card. On the pretext that being that she had now got married she was legally able to stay in the country....
( The invisible ham Fig rolls are the best, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 0:38, 4 replies)

er, yeah...
"Pull my nightie down when you finished..."
(entropydave hates unnecessary commas on, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 23:43, Reply)

customer being served by overweight serving-type person, who is taking an excessively long time

owstp: here you are, sorry for the wait
customer: no problem, I'm sure you'll lose it
(weaselinajetengine, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 23:33, Reply)

Sadly not witnessed personally
But a good mate was asked by a drunken City boy if she'd like him in her knickers that night. "I've already got one arsehole in there thanks, no need for another," was the reply.
(paxvobiscum, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 21:54, 1 reply)

Bit medical but there you go...
By way of background, my anaesthetist Chris does another list with a cardiothoracic surgeon who can get a bit stressed when it's all getting a bit bloody. One of the tactics is to artificially lower the blood pressure to allow the blood clot around the stiches at the end of the grafts to stabilise. Another would be to do a decent job of sewing them on in the first place.

Surgeon to Chris: "for fuck's sake, can't you do anything about this fucking bleeding?"
Chris:"Well, I could, but who'd keep him asleep while I scrubbed up?"
( da5id <YOUR SIG HERE>, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 21:23, 9 replies)

Not so much a put down as a witty exchange, clumsily ended by me
whenever you stop just to buy smokes at a petrol station you are usually asked "any fuel?" to which I always reply "no-im trying to give it up" - making a hilarious joke of the irony of buying cigarettes instead of something one might actually need from a petrol station.

Usually the response from the cashier is a blank stare, however on one occasion I did get the response "well you wont get far with that" - which was so unexpected that I didn't even have a decent retort to keep the joke going, answering instead with "wow-that was a great answer".

So if you are going to be a smart arse, make sure your smart, is probably the moral here.
(dontmesswithmytoottoot, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 21:12, 6 replies)

Eddie Harvey
was a horrible kid who picked on me at school, along with his horrible mates. Luckily, they were mostly talk, but it's still no fun when you have to share your classes with a trio of obnoxious kids constantly prating on...

Anyway. One day, we're out in the playground and I'm with a couple of kids who were friends of mine from another class. With them about, I knew Eddie and his mates would keep their distance. Nonetheless, Eddie shouts across the playground 'Watch out, Snowy, we're going to get you on the way home.'

I knew I had to impress my mates with a riposte of such breathtaking wit and insouciant panache that everyone would realise I was too cool to be bothered by such threats.

'Oh yeah,' I shouted back, 'well you'll have trouble, because my Mum's picking me up in the car to go help her with the shopping.'

That put them firmly in their place, I can tell you.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 21:10, 1 reply)

ARTHUR: Camelot!
GALAHAD: Camelot!
LAUNCELOT: Camelot!
PATSY: It's only a model
ARTHUR: Shh!
(Don't tell him Pike i'll probably just stay in, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 20:27, 1 reply)

Comedians! Heckling! Banter! Victory!
I'm very proud of this. Unjustifiably so, really, but it represents one of the few moments I've got the better of someone who is officially funny.

A few years we were at the Red Card Comedy event, watching Miucky Flanagan. He ended up walking off stage early owing to some dickheads that were really just ruining the show, but prior to that I was involved in a little back and forth.

My colleague, Graham, looks a little like Jesus. He's also a hopeless alcoholic. He was in his customary pose, standing behind the tables, swaying gently. I was seated at the front with my missus. I'm unsure of how the subject came up, but the erstwhile Mr Flanagan pointed at Graham and called out "Oi, Jesus, where's yer kaftan?"

Graham was in no condition to respond, so I intervened;

"Leave him alone!" I cried, valiantly. "You're hardly well dressed. Look! You've missed a button on your shirt, you scruffy bastard."

He looked down, amid laughter, saw he had a problem, and fixed his shirt. "I'm not wearing a tie either," he spat. "Does that offend you?"
"Not at all, you just look like an oik," I responded, expecting to receive a verbal kicking. It never came. There was a moment's thought, and Mr Flanagan hit me with "Where are you from?"
"Sheffield"
"Got any cutlery?"
"Yup" I said. "Fork off!"

I raised two fingers, sat back and basked in the audience's admiration, and he moved on with his routine.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Mon 28 Nov 2011, 20:26, 2 replies)

Two musicians were recording in a studio where I worked many moons ago. They started having an argument over something. It got quite heated and a couple of punches were thrown and one got his nose bloodied before some big bloke got between them to stop the violence. So instead they resorted to lots of abuse and name calling until one chap called the other a blockhead, adding insult to Ian Dury.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 20:24, Reply)

REALLY old school
Ben Franklin was a little stout later in life and it was said that in Paris a young woman, tapping him on his protruding abdomen, said...

Young Woman: Dr. Franklin, if this were on a woman, we'd know what to think.

Ben Franklin: Half an hour ago, Mademoiselle, it was on a woman, and now what do you think?
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Mon 28 Nov 2011, 20:18, Reply)

Not so much as a putdown...
....as a shut the fuck up, but it worked beautifully.

In a rather rough little bar in a beach town in Florida. Locals only, a mix of older fishermen, younger surfers, and a few basic drunks. Most of whom lived within walking distance of the place and knew each other at least on nodding terms.

One evening, our quiet descent into alcohol oblivion was interrupted by the entry of a stranger. A man who was obviously well-oiled, and had probably driven past and decided to come in for a nightcap. He starts to harass the bar maid into giving him a drink. She refused, and offered to get him a coffee and call him a cab. He continued to escalate his harassment. The entire bar is now watching attentively, and protectively of our barmaid.

He then proceeds to try to demonstrate his sobriety, by raising his hands above his head and exclaiming "Couldah drunk pershon do THISH??!! " among other things.
"Probably" says the barmaid.
"THATSH IT!!! I'm calling the policesh! screams the drunk.
"Don't worry, sir, I'll do it for you..." replies the barmaid who then turns around...
"Hey Pete?"

Cue arrival of the Chief of Police, and a couple of his colleagues who were sitting in the corner enjoying a quiet after work beer.
Cue departure of drunk to jail across the street.
( gp_guineapig, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 20:18, Reply)

Can't really say it was a put down but a quick response.
Dirty Charvers: Here mahhhhnn is that Stihl gear on the trailer leykk?

Me: It hasn't went very fucking far has it?

Thats how the charver would say it with their slow elongated words.
(iLLmatic, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 18:52, 6 replies)

Annoying lad I worked with
was going to a fancy dress party but didn't know what to go as. So he asked a few of us if we had any suggestions.

I pipped up "Paint yourself pink so everyone will see you as the fucking cunt you are."

My one and only decent putdown.
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 18:39, 8 replies)

Struggling one night to smuggle home a large cardboard box
We were moving soon so all boxes were handy.

I only drove a mini at the time and was having a bit of a wrangle to get it into the back seat. Tried it with the seat forward, with the seat folded back and various combinations of the two when a wit walks by and utters...

"Be easier to put the car into the box..."

Oh how we laughed.
(karnuvap, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 18:14, Reply)

Back in the school yard
After some devastating insult, Rick Hilder came back with:

"Can you clap?"

Young Maclir: "Yes, of course."

Hilder: "So clap a cow's cunt over your head, and let a big woolly bull root(1) some sense into you."

1. Root = Aussie slack for fuck.
(Maclir, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 17:48, 7 replies)

This is WELL fucking meta. Or - get this - m3ta. I know, right?
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1449569
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 17:20, 17 replies)

I've waited years, but so far it hasn't happened
Walking along with a cigarette. A janitor shuffles up, pointing at the "No Smoking" signs. "Oi! Can't you read?"

"Yes, that's why I'm not sweeping up for a living."
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 16:53, 12 replies)

Bully gets owned.
Back in high school I'd often attract the attention of the school bully for reasons that I'm not fully aware of. My mom always said he was just jealous because of how good looking I was. He would constantly pull the braids out of my hair and throw away my gluten-free lunch before I had to chance to eat it and I was sick of it. A rage was slowly building inside me.

It all came to a head one day after sewing class when I saw him make a B-line towards my locker. He got out a permanent marker and started drawing genitalia (testicles and penises) on to the heads of my Bros stickers and I just lost it.

"Can you please stop doing that," I said with rage.
"No, fuck you," replied the bully.

I took off my spectacles and pinched the bridge of my nose. It was my time. I am George McFly's angry fist. I am legend. I am B-rabbit, standing tall above the crowd. I am Neo, rising from the dead.

"No...why don't you go and fuck you," I said, polishing my lenses.

There was a deathly silence in the corridor, interrupted only by stifled laughter. Our eyes locked. A bead of sweat ran down my face and over my mascara. No-one knew who was going to crack first. As it happened it would be my ribs.

He beat the shit out of me that day, and for many days more, but not before I verbally slayed him.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 15:42, 2 replies)

Not mine sadly
and I heard it secondhand so it may even be complete bollocks. It certainly smacks of the sort of response that you think of a couple of hours later and go "That would have been a BRILLIANT thing to say if only I'd thought of it then and not now"

Anyway. Friend of mine was (or so he claims) in a conversation with a god-botherer about the god they so liked to bother other people with - the Christian one, as you're asking. They were foolish enough to bust out the old "created the world in seven days" bullshit. The response ran as follows;

"The claim that god created the world in seven days might have seemed really impressive once, but with hindsight it just looks slapdash. You can't help but think that if he'd taken his time over it he could've done something about nettles."

Regardless of veracity, this is a fucking good point.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 15:35, 21 replies)

In primary school I got the answer to a question wrong
and Paul Harvey said "You're stupid!".

Quick as a flash, I responded, "I know YOU are, but what am I?!"

He was totally dumbfounded and I instantly became the most popular kid in school.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 15:23, 4 replies)

Oh dear oh dear oh dear....
In the office car park earlier, one of the women workers was parking up in her special car. Nout unusual about that in itself, but she is rather heavily crippled (some kind of nasty spinal disorder) and not really a nice person to boot.

So she parked up, slid herself into her electric chair that's still in her car (it's a big people-carrying thing modified for her) and positions herself on the lift, getting slowly lowered down to the ground. While she's sitting there waiting for this, some other worker is walking towards the main doors and his mobile happens to go off, playing an old tune which makes her look completely down-trodden, even though the tune itself is completely harmless but just fitted the moment perfectly.

Why is this a devastating put-down then? It was this piece of classic music no less.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 15:22, 3 replies)

A self-inflicted put-down
Back when I used to play World of Warcraft, quite near when it was first released, I think. We used to play as a fairly large group, but this was before we started using Skype and just used the text chat.

Some of the others were going on about quitting smoking and how long they'd managed (usually measured in days or hours). Until one guy piped up...

"I once managed 4 gays"

Quite clearly a typo, but oh, how we laughed and then never heard from him again.

Sorry, that was a bit shit.
(anonymousreality tickled your fancy on, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 15:20, 1 reply)

Acid tongued
Relayed from a friend, working in a hotel at the time. Couple out for dinner in the restaurant, gentleman diner unhappy with particularly poor and surly service from waitress.

Waitress (having taken order): "Anything else?"
Diner: "Yes. A lemon for you to suck on"
( The Vomiting Hitchhiker Mephistopheles is such a mouthful in Manhattan, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 15:15, 3 replies)

Couple of weeks ago at a pub quiz...
Question: "What part of the human body doesn't grow from birth?"

One team conferring loudly: "Well in your case James..."

(Please note, it's actually the eyeballs)
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 15:04, 6 replies)

My mate and I trying to get into a Student Club in Glasgow one thursday night
Bouncer: are you two students?
us: yes (a totally obvious lie)
Bouncer: oh aye, have you got anything to prove that you are students?
my mate: I've got chlamydia, does that count?
Bouncer: in ye come boys (pissing himself laughing)
(dontmesswithmytoottoot, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 14:38, 4 replies)

Rapier wit

One Easter I went to a point to point race meeting for a bit of a flutter. The 3rd race came and walking around the show ring was a prancing, light footed beautiful thoroughbred among a load of stocky lumpy looking horses. I went to a bookies there appeared to be some mistake because no one else seemed able to see the fact that this horse was like Usane Bolt against the national team of asthmatics because it was on at 5/1. So I put every bit of mine & my girlfriends money on the horse, which won by about 2 miles. Loaded up with cash we celebrated with a fair few drinks.

Now a bit pissed I decided to have a look at the other stalls. There was a outfitters, I tried on a ridiculous hat. There was a pet supplies I scored some cat nip for my cat. Then I came to the next stall, it was a stall all about fox hunting I was appalled (I naively didn't know a point to point race was for hunting horses) I was looking through the leaflets & books with a sour look on my face when I was approached by some ruddy faced git in tweed.

"Interested in fox hunting?"
"No I think it's disgusting, Oscar Wild said it was the unthinkable in pursuit of the inedible. I say it's cunts......." I struggled to think of any thing "being cunts" I finished triumphantly and left.

That told him
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 14:29, 1 reply)

I was doing a stand-up comedy gig and this bloke heckled me.
"Why don't you tell some jokes?!" he said.

"Don't tell me how to do my job!" I retorted, "Do I come to your place and teach you how to sweep up?!"

He was completely floored and everyone laughed and said how funny and cool I was and how shit and unfunny he was, and how they all hated him.

The end.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 14:10, 9 replies)

I recently met Grace Jones at a music festival in London.
I asked her what her favourite part of the UK was, to which she replied "Dover!"

And that was most definitely a diva stating port town.
( Muns, Mon 28 Nov 2011, 13:44, 6 replies)