This was told to me, but as I wasn't there at the time I'll leave it to you to decide if it's lies or not.
The names have been changed to protect the guilty.
Jim and Cara worked at a certain popular scuba diving site in England.
He was a surfer dude type and she was a hippy chick and they seemed to hit it off quite well. After a few drinks and with not much else to do when living on the coast they ended up spending the night together.
During their nocturnal activities Cara reaches under the pillow and pulls out......a knife. According to Jim it was a machete but it probably wasn’t the first time he’d embellished the true size of a chopper.
Anyway it transpires that what gets Cara off during the horizontal Tango is to be cut. This somewhat freaked out Jim but Cara was getting quite agitated that he was unwilling to perform said act on her and so did as she requested (probably just to get the knife off her so she didn't use it on him).
She left work shortly afterwards after he used the adage 'a problem shared is a problem halved' and told everyone about it, which as this is a popular dive site, could well have been a few hundred people.
( TitanLX, Tue 22 May 2012, 17:25, Reply)

Just had this conversation with the missus
Me: Qotw this week is sex toys, but I can't think of any stories we have about them, can you?

Her: Well there's the time we stayed at your parents house and afterward they gave us a duffle bag of vibrators.

Me: What? They did what? I don't remember this...
were they ours?
or did they give us a bag with their vibrators in it?

Her: Yeah, totally. everything was ours

Me: Why did they have a bag of vibrators?
of *our* vibrators I mean?!?

Her: We left them behind

Me: ...

Her: It was our bag too.

Me: Oh. Well then
That makes perfect sense
... Do we normally travel with a bag of vibrators and I just never noticed?

Her: They weren't together. That just happened to be what we left at your parents house. A bag. And some vibrators.

Me: that does sound like us
I don't remember this at all

Her: I was embarrassed enough by the whole thing that I don't think I'll ever forget it, but even then I don't really know how it happened

Me: Is the fact that this whole event didn't register enough in my head to be memorable a good thing, or a bad thing?

Her: ...

Me: Maybe, in the future, you shouldn't leave your vibrators at my parents house darling.

Her: ya think?

Me: well I would think it would go with out saying ... but apparently...

Her: =p

--------------------------------------

Apparently I do have a sex toy story.
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Tue 22 May 2012, 16:27, 3 replies)

Repost from, ooh, years ago
A friend (not me) tells the story of a girl he met who seemed fairly nice and conventional. Until, that is, he went back to her place for the first time. He opened the fridge and discovered it was full of Cadbury's Creme Eggs. It turns out that her fetish was to insert one of these eggs and get the man to eat it out of her.

They dated for a while but he had to end it because, as he put it, "there's only so many Cadbury's Creme Eggs you can eat".
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Tue 22 May 2012, 15:13, 8 replies)

Back when ZX81's were new
Aged around 11 or so a couple of friends and I were playing at a mate's house, messing with his ZX81. In walks said mate waving around a white vibrator.

"It's my mum's!" he proudly announces, like it was likely to be anyone elses

"Ewww! Do you know where that goes?"

"Yea. She only uses it to massage her tits and stuff."

"How do you know that."

"I've seen her."

We left it at that.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Tue 22 May 2012, 15:09, 3 replies)

Red rocket!!
Red rocket!!
(The Luggage is haunted..., Tue 22 May 2012, 14:13, 1 reply)

once i posted a revolting story on the internet, exposing my cuntishness and demonstrating a total lack of ethics
and then lots of people called me out on it and i deleted it.

also, electric toothbrush.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Tue 22 May 2012, 13:57, 28 replies)

Cynthia stood in the middle of the laughing crowd somewhat shocked. As she surveyed the scene betwixt her legs she was at first struck by the crimson mess. Then, by the mysterious piece of blood soaked fabric which had landed on her best ballroom shoes. It was a good few seconds before she recognised it; it was, of course the gusset of her finest bloomers.
Struck, though she was, by embarrassment that the state of her intimacies was revealed to the whole room, she could not help but join in the raucous guffawing of the assembly.
"Oh Dr Haversack!" she exclaimed, for it was he who had procured for her the exploding tampon which had provided such mirthful devastation.
Also her pubes were all burnt and her clit was blistered.
(The Personality Horse www.tinyurl.com/perhor, Tue 22 May 2012, 13:38, 3 replies)

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

(KarlToOnZ feels like crap on, Tue 22 May 2012, 13:37, 2 replies)

Just when you think you've seen it all
I once had the dubious pleasure of seeing a collection of Japanese sex toys. The one that sticks in the mind was a severed foot, hacked off at the ankle, complete with torn flesh and blood dribbles. The idea was that you pulled out the protruding stump of leg bone, and fucked the resulting hole...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 22 May 2012, 12:44, 5 replies)

I stuff a cactus up a disabled child's arse.
And if you think that's wrong, then you're a cunt.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 22 May 2012, 12:05, 15 replies)

This is 111% trufax and anyone who says otherwise is a virgin and a cunt.
I was shagging this well fit supermodel and she wanted to do a bit of dp. Well, I don't keep no motherfucking dildos or any of that shit in the mansion as I'm not some sort of gay. Well, she kept pestering me as I penetrated her with my penis and it was getting well annoying so I did what any man would do.

I shat in a condom and froze it. Yes, that's right you cunts, while shagging her I shat into a condom and froze it before sticking it up her arse. She fucking loved every moment of it. In fact she loved it so much that when I'd dun my cum in her fanny she shoved the poodildo up her clunge while I screamed SHITCUNT in her face.

Unless you're a virgin or something you should try this with your boyfriend, you bunch of fucking bumcunts.
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Tue 22 May 2012, 7:47, 22 replies)

never try to get off by using a frozen pilchard up your arse
as it thaws, the scales will open up making it extremely difficult to get back out - Rick Stein’s Seafood Odyssey, 1999 (ISBN 0-577-33874-0)
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 21 May 2012, 22:37, Reply)

It's a
repost, but it is from five years ago

I used to work in a bar on Oxford Street, and we had a rather unpleasant australian chef, to whom I shall refer as Oz.

He had worked for my boss at a number of different places for a number of years. My boss, a cockney chap referred to as The Whelk, for some reason maintained his employment despite his mediocre ability and unpleasant personal habits, which included, and I quote, shagging 'literally dozens of whores'.

I heard this tale second hand from a few people, and from both Oz and The Whelk. Imagine, if you will, a tatty dirty pub in a provincial town to the west of London. It is morning, and The Whelk ambles through the kitchen towards the back door, greets a hungover Oz. Oz grunts back. The Whelk is about to go outside.

"I brought a whore back last night and used one of the big snags on her. I put it back so it won't effect the stock.", says Oz

The Whelk looks puzzled. He is easily bamboozled by exotic slang. 'Snag'? Still, it didn't affect the stock, so didn't matter.

"Yeah, whatever Oz."
The Whelk ambles off, liberally slopping his coffee, as was his wont.

Later that afternoon, the Whelk enters the kitchen, for several meals need to be delivered to a table. They were a Lasagne, a Toad in the Hole, and an all-day breakfast, consisting of eggs, bacon, a jumbo sausage, beans, fried bread and a tomato. The Whelk takes the food and goes to leave

"that is the last of the big snags for the breakfasts, so from now on they'll have to get two small ones"

The Whelk nods and leaves. He deposits the food with the diners and walks away. Then a penny dropped. 'Snag'.

The Whelk re-enters the kitchen.

"Oz, what did you say this morning? About Snags."
"That I used one of the big boys on a hooker last night. Put it back though."
"Used?"
Oz explains, in detail, how he had used a seven inch frozen sausage to masturbate a middle aged prostitute.
The Whelk's jaw drops.
"You put it back?"
"Don't worry. I used it."
Oz pulls the empty cardboard box from the freezer, that had contained the large sausages.
"Sold the last half dozen today. We need to order some more."

The Whelk's jaw drops further. His brain stores a grotesque story for after work drinks.

At some point, on that day many years ago, a diner in that tatty pub somewhere to the west of London received a breakfast which included a sausage garnished with the juices of a lady of the night's vag. And they probably ate it.

I would make a poor joke about 'batter' here. But I won't.
( cs1ca, Mon 21 May 2012, 21:01, 2 replies)

This is the grimmest thing the internet has ever done and I hope it leads many of you to a humiliating suicide.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 21 May 2012, 20:16, 9 replies)

SF dildo kicker
A mate of mine lived and worked in San Francisco for a while a few years ago and I went over there to visit him.

One night, returning from an evening on the piss in a state of advanced refreshment, we spotted a strange object in the centre of the street near his apartment. Closer inspection revealed this to be a large purple dildo, which was pointing skywards.

Childishly, I pointed and laughed at it, having never seen a large purple dildo pointing skywards in the middle of the street before. My mate, however, retreated up the street, took a run up and booted the dildo like he was trying to convert a try in an important Six Nations game.

I recall watching in amazement as the dildo sailed through the air and down the hill for what seemed like miles. Unfortunately, I didn't see where it landed, because I fell over laughing.
(square go, Mon 21 May 2012, 20:09, 2 replies)

too young?
There's no innocence anymore. How many of these products will be on the shelves this Christmas?

My Little Boner - fun-size latex erection with a refillable reservoir. Agitate it perpendicularly until the built-in speaker hyperventilates and pearly gloop jets or dribbles from the end (depends on model). For pre-pubescent boys or young slappers-in-training.

Fanny in a Tin - No more worries about "What it will feel like"! This anatomically-correct and artfully-coloured silicone vagina (full bush or shaven haven) is supplied in a standard tin with a tube of 'crazy lube'. Just pop the top and penetrate for hours of solitary amusement. Built-in speaker randomly plays audio loop of: "Ooooh! ... Aaah! ... Is it in yet? ... I've got the clap ... Your dad was bigger."

Facial Target - a mixture of the 80s' favourite disembodied head 'Girl's World' and a dartboard, this plastic female head has closed eyes, an open mouth and a protruding tongue. Concentric circles are marked faintly on the face, with the mouth as maximum score. Just whip it out and start shooting!

Titty T-shirt - a t-shirt in many sizes with a pair of 34DD latex tits attached. Girls wear it to get a sense of what puberty might bring; boys put it over a pillow and fuck it from behind all night long.

Naughty Mister Mole - Mr Mole is long and thin with an inexplicable lack of limbs. All he wants to do is get back down his dirt hole and snuggle into the darkness, vibrating with contentment at the touch of a button.
(Fothermucker, Mon 21 May 2012, 18:51, 33 replies)

stay dry
due to this qotw, i recently found myself discussing sex toys with an old friend of mine.
"i don't need sex toys," she said, "i've got something much better!"
there are two things i knew for certain right then:
she doesn't have a boyfriend and
there are some things you really shouldn't know the answers to
nevertheless, i said "what have you got that's better?"
"my power shower", she replies.
i am NEVER getting a shower at her house
*shudders*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 21 May 2012, 16:14, 22 replies)

I hope nothing sexy happens.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 21 May 2012, 13:29, 6 replies)

Batteries!
Wavy lines back to about 17 years ago. My now wife was a student nurse, living in nurses's accommodation, four people to a flat. For the record EVERYTHING they say about nurses is true, in my experience anyway.

So the walls were paper thin, me and the (then) GF are watching the telly. From next door we start to hear moaning that gets faster, louder and more insistent. Suddenly it stops and we hear a muffled "fucking hell" through the wall. Cue door opening, foosteps coming down corridor, knock on the GF's door. She opens it and one of her flatmates is stood there, looking a little flushed and asks "Have you got any AA batteries I could have, my walkman has gone flat", to which I responded "Walkman eh?.....WTF were you singing along to then, it sounded terrible?". Flatmate blushes, grabs batteries now being held by GF, and dashes off.....she did have another go though, it was more muffled the second time around.
( repooc, Mon 21 May 2012, 12:46, 5 replies)

I have a chastity device.
Well, not so much a device as a personality.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 21 May 2012, 11:53, 14 replies)

A request...
Speaking as someone who works in a microbiology laboratory at a large hospital, please can I respectfully ask that people do not use aerosol bottles with detachable lids for anything other than their designed purpose?
We received one a lid which had become detached from the bottle while being used for more pleasurable purposes. The lady in question had attempted to remove it, but it was too far in. She left it for a while (ie - a couple of weeks!) in the hope it would work its way down. It didn't. She then visited the hospital, who removed it, and sent it to us for bacterial testing. In fourteen years of working there, I have only once smelled something worse - and that was a necrotic anus.
The black plastic had actually degraded and was discoloured. The test we perform requires it being placed in a liquid, and incubated for a fortnight to encourage a type of bacteria called actinomyces. We didn't get as far as two weeks - after 8 days it had produced so much bacteria that the resulting gas blew the lid off the airtight jar! Despite much cleaning, the incubator stank for over a week!
God alone knows what state the woman's bits were in!
(Captain Coffee Break, Mon 21 May 2012, 7:07, 10 replies)

Im really bad at making myself a bit to comfortable around peoples houses.
Il take swigs from the milk carton, nibble the cheese, use their body butter (depending whether or not its expensive) ,use their toothbrush; and if they do have one of those vibrating razors, I will take it in the bath and have a nice ol wank.
(shezam slouching towards nirvana., Mon 21 May 2012, 0:10, 5 replies)

Jayne Mansfield, lobsters.
Do I win £5?
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 20 May 2012, 23:41, 12 replies)

I once had an entire Moroccan street market,
flown to England and installed in my bedroom, just so that I could do it doggy-style whilst browsing for tagines and throw-rugs.
Don't judge me, I can't help my bazaar fetish.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sun 20 May 2012, 23:19, 4 replies)

Does this count as a sex toy?
I will soon be spending close to £400 on a customised sex toy, and it won't make me orgasm. It will do the opposite, as is the purpose of an MCD.

In doing so it will drive me insane with desire.

I've played with male chastity devices for a few years. From knowing nothing of them, it has become an addiction on a par to the masturbation it prevents. The difference is the feeling is more intense and longer lasting than any orgasm. The device attached to my cock is a constant reminder that my cock is there and I cannot touch it, you are aroused but cannot get a full erection. On average men think about sex 19 times a day. Whilst in chastity it's just once and it doesn't end. Concentrating on anything else is almost impossible.

Your other half, who holds the key, has the control. Can decide when you get a release, can take advantage and encourage behaviour they would like of you. When you are away from them, they are all you can think about.

And then there is the release. After 12 days of this, the orgasm is incredible.



Apologies for length, but it's not getting any longer any time soon.
(Louis Tully, Sun 20 May 2012, 23:00, 26 replies)

Really am enjoying the tales/instructional videos this week but this topic has really
shown us all up to be a bit of a bunch of wankers.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 20 May 2012, 21:45, Reply)

Great Unfortunately Named Car Diagnostic Tools Of Our Time Number 173(b)
I bought one of these recently. It's really useful, but it doesn't half take some wiggling to get the plug properly in. Perhaps I need to use more lubricant.

(ubergeekian, Sun 20 May 2012, 19:27, 1 reply)

I don't care what you think.
But I once got a woman off using nettles. Yes nettles.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Sun 20 May 2012, 14:50, 10 replies)