Air pressure
I'm not entirely sure if this is normal but I suspect many b3tans will be writing answers this week with that exact same thought in mind.

I've never really seen the appeal of anal myself. But nonetheless, an ex of mine was eager to try it and I agreed.

Now I wasn't so uneducated to not realise that some...preparatory work was required for this, and I carried it out with due dilligence and care. So the mood was good, the time was right, the music was kinkily sappy, it was time to go intestine-fishing.

But as I finally managed to find my way in, I heard a loud pop. Then, a stingy pain on the end of badongism junior. I retreat from brown town to discover a large tear in the end of the condom. I figured it must have been a dodgy one and so donned a new coat of arms and went on the attack. The exact same thing - loud pop, sharp pain in cock, tear in condom.

To this day I have no idea what happened but I have one theory. The air pressure inside the tip of the condom was greater than the air pressure in poo bay, this causing the condom to inflate and burst.

I think I should teach physics actually.
(GONEism, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:22, 13 replies)

Boys and Jiss - the misconceptions!
Aged about 12, 1 lad pipes up in our class (probably to brag - oh how it back fired!) to tell us triumphantly "I had a reet good wank last night and cum half a pint" ... "really?" someone asked "what colour was it?"

"Yellow" he told us

half a pint AND yellow?!?! how wrong could he be?!?!? Anyways, we called him 'Mellow Yellow' for years afterwards. There was a butter out at the time called that and we'd all cruelly sing the words from the advert only slightly different...

" He thinks his mellows' yellow!"




ALSO - 1 of the bigger lads (we were about 8) told us "If you spit on your willy then massage it, it's like you're having sex". I think 4 of us sat around the back of my mates garage spitting like crazy but not having a clue what we were doing.....
(TheManofScience, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:14, Reply)

Blow jobs!
I mean jesus, why didn't they ever call them suck jobs like they should be!

Hence an embarrassed young powervator wondering why getting his first gf to blow down his ding-dong didn't do a blind bit of difference to his state of horn.

Stupid non-ronseal names... and as for chilli dogs! Fuck's sake!


EDIT: Shit shoulda read below!
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:13, Reply)

Oooook...
When I was but a wee lad I assumed that whenever a lady hurt herself and screamed in pain, a baby came out. I don't think this is a completely screwy logic - I'd seen women giving birth in soap operas and I assumed that pain = childbirth, not the other way around.

So anyway, I was in infant school at the time, and one afternoon my mum fell down 3 flights of stairs in coming to pick me up. I come out of class and see her in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, screaming in pain and rather bloodied up and surrounded by people. My response?

"Noooo! I don't want another brother!"
(GONEism, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:12, 5 replies)

A couple of games

Spidermanning - When tenderly rooting a girl from behind and you get to the point of potential spuffing, pull out and cum in your hand.

Whilst doing this spit on her back so it feels like you came there, then tap her on the shoulder and flick your cock web onto her face whilst singing ,"Spiderman, Spiderman, I just filled your hairy clam!"


Supermanning - As before start in the postion that dogs are overly fond of.

This time when your single barrelled pump action yoghurt rifle is about to go off, pull out and fertalise her back.

Them simply roll her onto the sheet so it sticks like Supermans cape!

Rodeo - Very simple, stick with good old missionary as you can get extra purchase, as the pace increases simply shout out the name of your playmates sister/mother/bestfriend and then see how long you can hold on for.


Apologies to women everywhere, for everything
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:12, 18 replies)

EDIT: Poo Baby and BJs
Being young and odd, I didn't realise that babies come out of...well,you know. The thought of how that could stretch open for my head confused me no doubt. So I naturally assumed that people come out of the bum hole. I now realise it's the other way round.

EDIT: Oh, and also as a child, I thought that blow jobs involved blowing gently on the penii for a while. Why don't they call it a suck job then?

So yeah, I was messed up mentally early.
(The Blue Brony Flogging a Dead Horse Since, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:07, 1 reply)

I was lead to believe
that women are attracted to blokes that are funny.

Turns out funny looking doesn't count.
( Moey, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:06, 3 replies)

oral sex
My parents, bless them, bought me a book when I reached a certain age - it contained all the important facts a young lad needs to know about "growing up".

It helpfully explained about puberty and adolescence, and even included some useful definitions of a variety of phrases of which I had previously never heard. The language was a bit dry though.

"Oral sex" was described as being something along the lines of "stimulation of the genitals by the mouth".

I honestly assumed that it was referring to the experience of receiving a kiss (on the mouth) that was so pleasant that it gave you an erection.
(baz, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:05, 1 reply)

Another one
For years I believed that "oral sex" meant French kissing.

At the time I'd only heard the term used in the Red Dwarf Space Corps Directive "No officer with false teeth shall attempt to perform oral sex in zero gravity".
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:04, Reply)

At primary school I read that sperm look like tadpoles under a microscope
so I assumed spunk was black.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:03, 2 replies)

Asterix
When I was younger, my parents used to throw a huge costume party about once a year. A hundred or so of their friends would invade our house dressed in ridiculous outfits, while all the kids were shut in a bedroom to watch videos and get utterly buzzed on caffeinated soft drinks (sometimes even staying awake up until the heady hour of two in the morning!).

One year, when I would have been about nine or ten, the APs were discussing the theme of their next bash. Now, at the time, I had just been reading an Asterix book - specifically, Asterix in Switzerland. This features a Roman official who periodically throws large parties for all his Roman buddies, except they aren't called parties - they're called orgies.

Of course, since Asterix is a book for kiddies, these "orgies" don't actually feature any sex - just drinking and music and, because it's set in Switzerland, fondue. My parents happened to own a fondue set (a wedding present, which they didn't actually end up using for the first time until their silver wedding anniversary).

So it came to pass that, armed with my misconception, I in all innocence walked up to my parents and suggested that for their next party they could invite all their friends over for an orgy.

It was another six or so years before I figured out why they both went bright crimson and stifled laughs upon my suggestion. I didn't get it at the time. After all, who doesn't love fondue?
(oball needs Satan more than he needs me, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:00, 5 replies)

Aged 7
"Homo Satchel"

I thought he was insulting my school bag...
(Professor Yaffle now with added sodium, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:59, 3 replies)

Front bottoms
I've met loads of otherwise intelligent men who are absolutely convinced that women wee out of their vaginas. It took me a long time to convince one boyfriend that I could still have a wee while wearing a tampon. Mind you, he also thought gravity was caused by the Earth's atmosphere so I probably shouldn't have been surprised.
(Mary Mandolin still had it on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:59, 5 replies)

Aha, there it is
I used to think that all men had 1 testicle.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:56, 5 replies)

Apparently you have to ask first...

"I wanted to surprise her" is not an excuse.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:54, 1 reply)

Oh God
I used to think that women came blood.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:50, Reply)

Drugs are bad and whips are a instrument of medieval punishment
That what I thought when I was just a wee minipickle

I then discovered the delights of coke and multiple leather strips as an enhancement to adult activities.

As a little tip for those thinking about maybe trying a bit of whipping - get a proper leather one (nine tails rather than crop) as they're much better and nicer than the plastic ones.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:49, 7 replies)

I used to work as a warden in a women's prison
There was a woman who was doing eighteen months for diddling her work out of £170,000 of expenses and buying herself a house with the profits.

When she arrived at the start of her sentence, she took a position in the kitchens where she proved quite a talent in culinary skills, raising the bar as far as feeding the scum of society is concerned.

We gradually got to know each other as one of my responsibilities at the prison was what we used to call a "mess minder" - a trumped-up dinner lady with handcuffs. We would make sure all the cutlery was returned and they behaved themselves during meals.

As the months of her sentence passed, we grew closer and closer. I knew there was sexual tension there - she wasn't unattractive and I am always gagging for it. Plus, it was obviously totally against the rules which made it all the more tempting.

And it came to pass - an opportunity to meet up in the kitchens during downtime and have ourselves an illicit fumble and hopefully a chance at a sodding good shag.

I shaved extra-close that morning, making sure I looked and smelled great, and once I got into work, I headed over to the kitchens to meet this pretty temptress.

As I entered, there were a few other girls there preparing dishes, and my potential lay wandered over and informed me the date was off - she'd been tasked to cook two-hundred stuffed mushrooms.

So that was that. My...

Sex Miss-con cep shun.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:49, 11 replies)

Cubs
When I was in cubs, Matt Robinson found a thimble shaped and sized thingy (thinking back it was probably one of those things post office and bank clerks put on the end of their fingers to count paper or notes) and he told me it was a condom and went on the end of your willy.

For years I believed that was true (at the time, it was anatomically possible). Years later he showed me a real one (found under a bush) but I didnt believe him that time. I was never going to fill that!
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:43, Reply)

My daughter uses 'the talk' as a way to avoid going to bed
I'm convinced of it - she's worked out that if she asks a leading question like 'doctors can always tell if it's a boy or a girl when it's born, can't they' while she's brushing her teeth, she gets a free twenty-minute bedtime pass, with diagrams.

We get a bit carried away with the lectures. I've explained X and Y chromosomes to her and everything.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:40, 2 replies)

Happily Ever After
I thought that when people fell in love they'd have wondrous sex and be all happy and bluebirds would sing around their bedhead as they consumated their beautiful relationship in sunlit sheets and glorious passion. They'd live happily ever after as best friends with a hot sex life.

The reality...

Scenario 1: you meet someone, you have drunken sex; later you have sober sex, it's okay - nice, and you have all those new relationship hormones buzzing around; you like them, you fall in love, the sex is okay; it tails off, you have a very loving but asexual relationship. Touching them feels wrong because you're so close to them it's practically incest, and not in a good way. You can't do sex but you can do love.

Scenario 2: you meet someone, you have drunken sex, it's dirty as fuck, it's hot and it's amazing; later you have sober sex (though it's better drunk); your relationship is a trainwreck, you can't call it love, you don't know what's happening emotionally but you can't be in the same room as them without tearing off their clothes; you exhaust each other in a perpetual state of mutually assured destruction, but the sex is AWESOME. You can't do love but you can do sex.

My psychiatrist is making a fortune.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:39, 33 replies)

Wow
You are all a crazy bunch. I could actually see the lights dim across England as B3tans stopped idling their Thursday afternoon away, and started furiously adding stories as this Q opened up.
Office productivity=down.
Fast typing and random giggles amongst coworkers=way up.
(w4I4q1O1 was hard at work on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:38, 1 reply)

Clued up
How about a misconception on the part of another on how much knowledge a 7 year old should have...

My mother used to visit the elderly mother of her ex, Mrs Marshall. This lady, although old and frail, was very sharp and always ready for an argument about morality or religion, she was a spritualist who had lots of people come to her for teaching.

One afternoon when I was 7 or thereabouts, we were at her house drinking tea and eating biscuits. The old dear, talking about two of her female friends mentioned that they lived together. Awakened from my boredom, I chipped in with a question: "Are they lesbians?".

We then had about half an hour of her telling my mother how to bring me up, that I shouldn't even know the word, don't blame the kids at his school, etc, etc. Sorry mum!
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:34, Reply)

I tried sex once.....
and it was horrible! Got my head stuck.....

/coat /pier all week /etc....
(Lord Blumpy is mildly off-topic on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:34, 3 replies)

condoms
i thought the stuff inside a used condom was the skin of the outside of the penis.

This used to come away during sex and these flakes then made women pregnant. almost like a snake shedding its skin.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:32, 4 replies)

Before my nads dropped.
I couldn't understand why anyone would want a girlfriend! They are just such a waste of time and money and they nag at you as well!

I now realise I probably had more sense back then.
(Miggyman, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:31, 1 reply)

cat
Whilst a student I used to while away most of my days smoking copious amounts of weed and watching crap afternoon telly. My companion for many of these wasted days was Cat, a stray tortoiseshell who often came into the house ostensibly to keep us company, but most probably because we used to feed her copious amounts of tuna and pickled onion space raider crisps.

Cat was special in that she seemed to be completely bat-shit insane. She'd walk in and fall over randomly. She'd rub herself with a little bit too much enthusiasm on anyone and anything, was always dribbling, and her behaviour often seemed, well, sexual. It was almost like some weird bestial foreplay.

I thought I was wise to the ways of the world, especially concerning sex, but it was only when I woke up from a stoned and highly erotically charged dream on the sofa to find Cat attempting to hump my nose that I realised I knew nothing.

Yes, I was raped in the face by a cat.
( rofl harris, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:30, 6 replies)

my special area
Being a swotty young kid I read "The Colour Purple" at a young age. In it there is a scene where one of the characters explains to the other woman how to 'pleasure herself' with extensive use of the word 'button'.

I made several attempts to, ahem enjoy myself by rubbing, you've guessed it, my belly button. As that was the only button I had heard of. I duly concluded that stretchy feeling was what sex was like and remained completely uninterested for the next few years.

I have since been re-educated.
(naranjita, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:29, 1 reply)