A few years back...
... Snickers were doing a promotion for Predetor football boots and I really wanted some. As my parents insisted that Hi Tech were 'just as trendy', my only chance of actually getting Predetors were to eat Snickers and instantly win a pair. On a school trip I ate 8 in one day.

It smelt nutty.

Never did win mind.
(Dave_of_the_Dead, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:12, Reply)

after
going to see the last lord of the rings and drinking a bucket of diet coke i was sitting on my mates bed and farted. i felt a slight follow through and then discovered i'd passed water. it was the purest water as well, like evian, didn't smell or anything. it was the single weirdest thing ever. well, there are probably weirder things.
( krang, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:11, Reply)

well
one time in Ayia Napa, went to some rediculously cheap club, and decided to drink SpringBoks. these comprise of a shot of Baileys, and a shot of creme de menth (minty stuff). Its the best taste in the world, and all for about £1.50!
anyway, next morning, having endured a rather prolonged session of these drinks, decided id best remove the crap that had accumulated in my bowels, and gues what?? my shit was bright green!
no shit! (excusez le pun). never did get photographic evidence...
(MadPhish | Not a clue, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:08, Reply)

College trip to Dublin...
... and almost all of us came down with food poisoning, some more severely than others.

I got worse and worse, lying in bed sweating and gibbering. I woke up with my English Lit lecturer concernedly mopping my brow. Embarassed, I leapt from the bed and staggered into the toilet to take a dump.

As the dump came cascading out of my tea towel holder, I realised I was going to speak Welsh. I decided to swivel round 180' and sink to my knees in the classic "white telephone" stance.

Only, as the bile rose through my throat, I couldn't stop the fizzy gravy from pouring out of my rusty bullet hole.

What transpired is best described as a "360 degree fountain of vomit and faeces". I coated the toilet, the wall behind it, the floor, and my clothes as I tried to point both ends in the same direction, failed, and rotated in a devastating poo and spew spiral.

Having emptied both ends, I crawled into the shower and tried to clean myself up. I then somehow got back into bed and passed out again.

When I next came too, my roommates were standing over me looking concerned. Sympathetic? Hardly. "Clean up that mess you left in the toilet you dirty bastard"

So I spent the next couple of hours pathetically sponging my poo spray and technicolour yawn off the walls of the bathroom.

I nearly had to go to hospital, but thankfully recovered sufficiently by late evening. A health inspector arrived and asked for stool samples. I tool the little phial, not really knowing what to do with it (I was still pretty delirious). Did I just dip the plastic probe into a big log to take a sample? Did I heckers.

I positioned my business end over the tube, and let rip an enormous poo. It was too big to fit in the tube, so I poked it in with my fingers and screwed the cap over the whole smeary mess.

When we went to give our samples in, they had thankfully given us little brown bags to hide our anal shame. Thank goodness, because I wouldn't have wanted the other guys at college to know that I was a dirty bastard who had just been pooing into his own hand!

gavD has never returned to Dublin.
(gavD, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:06, Reply)

Watersports dump across the pond
A friend of mine, Edward, is a talented airchair rider, and has travelled to the good 'ol US of A a couple of times to enjoy a holiday with some of the folks who invented the sport.

Whilst out on their boat he suddenly found he needed to defecate. With no toilet on board he jumped in, dropped his shorts and preceeded to give birth to a family of small brown trout. His new "offspring" decided to stay close to their creator and he had a swim backwards, legs open, on his back whilst dropping more kids off at the pool.

The enduring image of him desperately trying to escape his own progeny keeps me amused!
(Big Chief Dumpalot, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:05, Reply)

SHITE!
I once ate about 300 aniseed red candy ball sweet things at the cinema. Not only did I look like a 6 year old with a red lipstick fetish I shat out red turds for 3 days.
It wasn't piles and its not bullshit. Try it and enjoy visitors complimenting you on your lovely smelling toilet after they have just paid it a visit after yourself.

I also got caught doing a jobbie at school by the years bully. I never did a poo in school again.
(Cowabunga, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:03, Reply)

At college, many moooooons ago...
somebody had laid an extremely large turd in the sink in the gents toilet - it really was quite impressive.

2 days later it was still there, except someone had cut out a circle of paper, drawn a smiley face on it and stuck it on one end of the turd. Then they had made a little cocktail stick flag with its name on : "Dougal"
(Daveybaby, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:01, Reply)

Bicycle poo
I was with a group of friends on a bicycle ride once. We were headed from Croxley towards Lees Wood in Watford.

Del was in the lead for a change. Unfortunately he managed to ride through a large, wet pile of freshly laid dog egg. This flicked up from his front wheel and into his gaping mouth. I heard an exclamation of utter digust and he turned round and spat out the offending log.

Even more unfortunate was Lee riding behind Del with his mouth open to get a good lungful of air (we were pushing it a bit!). Del's projectile globule of doggy poop, spit and mucus landed straight in Lee's mouth. The torrent of abuse and exchanged expletives would have made A. Trooper blush.
(Big Chief Dumpalot, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:57, Reply)

A sales rep i once worked with ...
had traded some samples for some sugar free sweets from another rep. On a particularly long journey he had consumed several packets of the confectionery delight (loaded with xylitol). However push came to shove when stuck in a traffic jam on the M25 as he had to shit himself in his car seat, completely unaware of the laxative effects of xylitol!

Ah, how we laughed! He joined a new company shortly afterwards....
( Fetid Cheese, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:48, Reply)

greece again
My brother and I were on a beach in Crete, pissed again and in need of a dump, we swam about 200 yards out to sea and then in a curious "arms only" breastroke swim, released vast quantities of runs (remember this is Greece and having the shits is de-rigeur) Any way what made me laugh is his description of the water borne poo cloud as being like a Tiger Slurpee (a mixture of coke and orange fanta flavoured slush)
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:47, Reply)

i went to my future flatmate's house
once. one of them had got the train home for christmas earlier that day. the guy i was with got a text message saying there was a present in the fridge. it was a margarine tub with a poo in it.
( krang, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:46, Reply)

salt and vinegar love ?
When i was at infant school i had a dicky tummy and did a trump and followed through, i remember the teacher escorting me to the lavatory where i did a minor clean up, and she gave me this horrible big pair of 'lost property box' pants to wear. So as i leave to walk the short distance home the teacher presents me with the shitty pants wrapped in off white paper, looking exactly like 'cod and chips wrapped please mate'
so i'm walking home and these older bigger kids (10-11 yr olds) are going '..giz a chip kid....' '..giz a chip yer tight get..' i ignore them and speed up, one catches me up grabs the 'chips' and opens it up, he gips and drops my shitty pants on the floor. served him right the bastard.
( slight wiff of cabbage, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:42, Reply)

Not exactly shit based, but seemed to fit the question
When I was at school, my dad always managed to get free sweets and chocolates from a friendly corner shop owner. He collected a mass of sweet goodies for me to enjoy. One sunday I managed to chomp through six packets of blackberry Hubba Bubba bubblegum. On the next Monday morning in my maths class i let out an enormous (and thankfully quiet) fart. Moments later the kid behind me said,
'Anyone smell blackcurrant?'
The whole classroom stunk of ribena. The teacher then spent the rest of the class looking for the kid eating blackcurrant sweets.
(syrtismajor is comfortably numb and has been worrying the populace since 1982, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:42, Reply)

Housemate's friend...
...At the start of the uni year, back in September time, we had us a little house party, my new housemates and I.

This involved... Well, bugger all people, really. Nobody turned up apart from one of my housemate's brothers, and a few of his mates from home. Turned out nobody had bothered inviting anyone, but anyway.

The guy in question, who shall now be named Chris, as that may have been his name, killed off sixteen cans of Stella and a few pints down the local within three hours, and promptly fell asleep.

Fast forward to that night. After Chris makes an attempt to get into one of my female housemate's beds, along with her and her boyfriend...

My housemate's brother wakes up, to see Chris squatting over a chair and a turd emerging. Not quite believing his eyes, he woke up my housemate.

"Er. Is Chris taking a shit on the chair?"

My housemate looked over.

"Chris, are you taking a shit on the chair?"

"Yes."

"...What the fuck are you doing! Stop it, you dirty bastard."

"At least let me finish."

By that point, he had indeed finished.

Fast forward to... that night, again. A bit later on.

My housemate's brother again wakes up, to find Chris squatting. Over a bin, this time. The kitchen bin, which he had apparently fetched from downstairs for the sole purpose of shitting in. A trip which involves walking past the bathroom.

Again, the brother wakes my housemate up, and they both watch mutely as Chris unleashes the full watery wrath of his innards into the bin.

Fast forward a week or so, as I carry one of our many bin bags around to the front of the house for collection. What's that I spy through the huge rip in the side of one of the bags I'm carrying? Shit coated pot noodle pots? Oh, yes indeed.

The binmen come, and go, and the bag remains.

I depart for uni, and as I leave a nurse from the veterinary surgery next door walks over and starts moving our rubbish to their skip. Did I warn her about the shit filled bag with a big split in the side, just waiting to rip open?

Did I fuck.

I turned my headphones up, but the music wasn't quite loud enough to mask the sound of plastic noodle containers clattering to the ground, and the scream of terror.
( gone, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:41, Reply)

Drunk Poo
When I was 15 I'd been out somewhere and was on my way home when I bumped in to my brother and all his football team who were on their end of season do and all very pissed up. Anyway a couple of them bundled me in to their car and took me up to the local shit-hole of a nightclub and proceeded to ply me with beer. Feeling a little worse for wear I mae my way to the toilet to throw up. Now this is where it gets a little hazy. Obviously whilst I was hugging the bowl I fell asleep with my head down the pan. This is where a now very irrate brother found me and walked me home. What we soon realised as we were walking home was that a) I was fucking hammered and b) I'd shit in my pants whilst throwing up. There was nothing I could do other than carry on walking. When we got in I was that pissed that I just took my trousers and pants off, left them in a shitty heap on my bedroom floor with a note to my Mum left on them saying "Sorry I got pissed and shit my pants".

Still gets talked about to this very day.
(Joons, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:40, Reply)

As a student in Manchester ...
we were playing 5-a-side footie in a park in Moss Side when my house mate went up for a scissor kick, hit the ball into the back of the net and then walked off the pitch and left (leaving his bag and coat).

About an hour later I returned back to the house to find him there. What happened was as he went for the kick he farted, followed through and thought it best to leave (half mile walk to house). Unfortunately, he left his bag and coat which had house keys in so had to climb in a window - got stuck had to take trousers off leaving a slug trail of poo down the window for all to see!
(sorry for length)
( Fetid Cheese, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:35, Reply)

I love those shits...
... where you just do the most anal tight fart that echo's through out the bowl before unleashing this high pressured slop, that completely paints the dunny while being interrupted by compressed pockets of fart that rupture the sloshy turd during the whole experience....

More fun in the office toilets, while whispering "sweet jesus".
(BurningFeetMan, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:28, Reply)

Hamburgers
McDonalds was kind enough to give my mate (who owned a shop) a discount card for his staff that offered free drinks/fries with a burger. Also one month there was a 2 Big Macs for £2 offer on the back of bus tickets. You could just pick up a discarded one near a bus stop.

Obviously we ate more burgers and fried food than is good for any human being on several occasions that month. Being suitably full I decided to use the toilets.

...and to my horror someone had stuffed the toilet with a brown takeout bag. Placed a big mac on top of this, but removed the burgers and replaced them wih a turd for all to see (with gherkin on top).

I have rarely felt as sick as I did then!
(garfi3ld, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:26, Reply)

For the Millenium..
Mrs Cyril and I, decided to visit my Aunt and Uncle in Bermuda. Well it was a few days into our visit and I hadn't crimped one off, so I thought eating a load of fruit would help, and help it did. The following morning we were sat in the garden having breakfast when I felt some movement. So I grabbed a copy of the Bermuda Times and dashed to the khazi. What left my arse can only be described as a shit the size and length of a large packet of Sainsburys Value Digestives. So I duly wiped and flushed except the bugger wouldnt flush, no it blocked the system, which then proceeded to back up and overflow, leaving the bathroom floor covered in shit and diluted piss, everywhere. After the initial panic I picked up what solid pieces of turd I could, then grabbed a couple of bath towels to "mop" up with. Mrs Cyril obviously heard me having a good old swear up as she came to investigate, so I opened the door to her, she was nearly sick with the smell as was my aunt who had followed her....haven't been invited back since
(cyril spawned a monster, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:21, Reply)

I once drank
an entire bottle of port in a day. At the end of the day, i went to the shitter absolutely smashed and strained myself halfway to a heart attack. When I got up to wipe I noticed that the lumps in the bog were all dark red and oozing. For a minute I honestly thought I had just shat out an organ. I was almost speechless with horror.
(Willboy:, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:20, Reply)

Now Italian toilets are a different matter...
especially the gents toilets in Milan train station.

A few years back me and a mate backpacked around italy for a bit, whilst attempting to leave Milan by train I had an overiding urge to shit and it got to the point where it was beginning to cripple my very movement. I waddled over to the gents and found the only unoccupied cubicle and opened the door.

Now i feel i must descibe what the italian public toilet is like, it is basically a hole in the floor surrounded by a porcelain footplate on which you can squat and aim.

In this particular toilet someone had definately squatted, but was a tad off on the aim. It basically looked like someones arse had exploded in there, the back wall of the cubicle was covered, i was assuming this was where the first salvo had hit because the was a brown stain on the wall plus a streak where it had run down onto the floor and into the hole. The rest of the mess was probably due to the explosive force of firing a particualry messy shit approximately a foot and a half into a wall.

Needless to say i held the shit until i had got on the train and used a proper toilet, and i never used an italian public toilet again
(northern seth back is giving him jip again, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:20, Reply)

My friend's uncle "Jim" had every ailment known to man.
One day, he found himself unable to shit. Several days passed, and he went to the hospital.

The doctors tried everything over the following months... enemas, laxatives, probing... they were unable to clear his bowels. After a while he was no longer allowed to eat or drink, and was put on an IV while he waited for a shit.

After FIVE MONTHS of being bedridden do to extreme constipation, his doctor told him to go home. Jim was expected to die within days, so they figured he may as well do so at home with his family. Jim asked the docter if he was going to die anyway, could he please eat something? The doctor said yes, there was nothing more that could be done so he might as well enjoy a meal.

Jim stopped at Burger King on his way home from the hospital. He sat down to eat his Whopper, and halfway through it he felt his stomach start to rumble. He managed to make it to the toilet just in time to have the largest shit ever known to come out of a human being. He made a prompt recovery, and to this day his family jokes about Burger King being "Home of the Whopper".
(ghettobooty, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:18, Reply)

red cheeks, brown legs
After a physical education lesson, a guy in my year had a serious bout of the shits. So, being either very brave or very stupid, he wrapped a towel around himself and tiptoed to the lavs down the other end of the school main corridor. There, he began a mammoth squits session. However, half way through, tne bell went for lunch and the whole school evacuated into the corridor.

Panic.

He got up, threw the door open and ran, full-pelt down the corridor hoping to make it back to the changing room before anyone saw him.

He lost his towel, ran nekkid and shat all the way up the corridor in full view of almost everyone in the school. On top of that, he ran into the PE teacher's office to find Mrs Parsons there instead of Mr Pavey.

Funnily enough, he didn't show for a couple of weeks after that.
( emergency_pants Today I smell of... tea tree, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:18, Reply)

Two dreadful moments....
Typical festival toilet gag. Phoenix Festival 1994. As everyone knows the Phoenix festival was the My-Mum's, Own-Brand Box Of Broken Biscuits of Festivals. Someone on site didn't know quite how to work the toilet : and instead of sucking it all away, all the toilets in the network pushed it all back. Fine. Excepting they all came up through ONE toilet : the last one in the queue. Which I opened. Hungover. On the Monday Morning. I was looking at a 5 day old pyramid of shite taller than a man, blacker than midnight, and with the appopriate sense of awe that only comes from seeing a modern miracle with one's own eyes. It was almost a work of art.

The other one happened at Christmas. We recently got a rabbit, who would eat anything. After two solid weeks of eating pine needles, the poor fella began walking funny and leaving blood spots on the floor. He was shitting the needles, undigested, and had developed, a huge, distended set of muscles, on his arse thanks to the super-rabbit effort he was making to shit out the pines. It was like a huge, fleshy, second tail. I didn't even imagine in my worst nightmares I would ever face Rabbit Piles. Let alone having to douse his rearend with cottonwool covered in something I couldn't pronounce from the Vets three times daily until his second tail has shrunk again, weeks later. Oh. My. God.
(domesticterrorist, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:17, Reply)

The shame......
A friend of mine who has seemingly made a career out of wee/poo surpassed himself last year. He had gone out with his long-suffering girlfriend (he had by that stage pissed in her bed and in her best trainers), and ended up very very drunk in a club. He bumped into someone who offered him a pill......

2 hours later as he was staggering home with his lady, he announces "I need a shit", and then proceded to walk into the middle of the road, which isn't exactly a country lane put it that way, drop his troosers and curl off a length.

Oh, she must be so proud of him. I mean come on laydeez, how could you resist such a suave gentleman? We got a lot of mileage out of that one.... he he he he
(fried gold, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:13, Reply)

Heres one about me...
At my nans *Again, i only go there once a year!!!!! And shes a fantastic cook!*

My Mum borght 4 little glass piggies for my grandparents on holiday when i was a baby.
They go out the room and when they come back id got then and bitten the tails off. First my mum thought id cut my mouth open, but then took me to hospital to see if id swalowed them. Doctors couldnt find anything so my mum had to go on poo watch...I play with those piggies every time i see em.

When my mum was out and dad (when living with us) was in the garden my sister decided to change my nappy..... shit all over the walls cause she *wiped it to clean it*.

Another baby shit story. Friend of my parents whos alot like Garth in waynes world's earliest memory was when his parents where holding a party and he was stuck in a cot pram in a mood. He needed changing and his parents wernt there so he picked out his poo and threw it at the door.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:09, Reply)

Hiding the shitty pants...
A couple of years ago my department at work were awarded a reward and recognition weekend up in Edinburgh, trainees, workshy gits, managers the lot. Well after being out on the sauce all day, we arrived back at the hotel somewhat the worse for wear. I thought I was about to fart, how wrong I was. Not wishing to put my soiled underwear in the bin, I took them off and tied them in a carrier bag, the intention being to throw them away on the following morning. So I showered and went to bed. The next morning I forgot about the shitty pants and another day was spent on the razz, getting drunk much to the horror of a Manager who was a right cow. Anyway the morning we were departing back for London, I suddenly remembered the offending pants, I opened the cupboard but they had gone.. I asked my room mate Frammers if he'd seen them and he started chuckling and refused to comment. So I let it go. Anyway we were all checking in at the airport, when aforementioned manager went to get her ticket out of her hand luggage to find a shit laden pair of boxer shorts in her bag.....oh how we laughed. To this day she has no idea who did it, a fact that causes me and frammers no end of smugness when we're being berated in a meeting by her.
(cyril spawned a monster, Thu 6 May 2004, 14:09, Reply)