At Uni me and my housemates...
were all sat around in the living room drinking when my mate Steve farted a really smelly wet-sounding one. He pelted up the stairs to the loo and after about 15 minutes and lots of flushing later he ran downstairs, through the living room and we heard the back door slam and was gone for a few minutes. We all though carried on drinking without giving it a second thought. Steve then comes back in, running even faster, holding this great big stick. Doesn't say a word to any of us. At this point, our curiosity got the better of us so we all followed Steve upstairs to the loo where we find him stirring this couldron of stinking brown man-porridge with the huge branch. He had shat so much the loo would not flush and it was almost overflowing the rim. Needless to say, he managed to dislodge the offending blockage and threw the stick out of the window into next door's garden.
(freshtonic, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:57, Reply)

At MCI Worldcom in Reading
I don't work there by the way, but heard form an employee. It's a goddamn huge building, brand new. Anyhow, they come in to work as normal one morning to discover that someone had done a huge messy shit in the dishwasher in one of the staff canteens (genius disgruntled employee antics!). Upon further investigation they also found urine in the comunal orange juice and cornflakes..
(mr pete, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:55, Reply)

New girlfriend....BIG shit
when I was 19 odd I managed to cop off with a rather charming bit of Posh totty from one of the posh girls schools near me...she was 16...gorgeous big boobs tucked into a tight white shirt and looked a wee bit like Helena Christiansen...anyway after regulary giving her a bit for about 3 months she finally plucked up the courage to introduce the rather chav like me to her mum and dad...I turned up after a night on the pop needing a MASSIVE shit..so I made my excuses and ventured into their downstairs W/C...I tried in vain to baffle the impending huge splash with some toilet paper however i was in a bit of a fix as there was only enought to either wipe my underneath or baffle the splash..I chose the former and let IT go..the resulting splosh must have been heard in france as a fucking CABLE slithered into the toilet accomapnied by the most revolting stench Id ever encountered. It took at least 3 fucking flushes to get rid and then there was the state of the bowl..it looked like the starting grid at monza and no Brush to get rid of the evidence, no airfreshener to hide the stench, the window wouldnt open and the radiator was on....I beat a very hasty retreat shortly after emerging from the scene of my crime.....
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:55, Reply)

Yes, but is it art?
Many years ago...

In the 6th form common room during morning break, I was approached by a mate of mine who pronounced that I "HAVE to come and see this".

I followed, only to curse my judgement as he led the way to the toilet.

And there it was.

In front of one of the cubicle doors was a "Vive la France" French textbook, topped by what can only be described as a Mr Whippy. It was coiled, with a point for christs sake! How the protagonist managed it without the aid of a piping bag I'll never know.

Anyway, this silent, pungent protest against the French language became the 'must see' attraction of the break-time until the janitor cleared it away.

Genius.
( B00gle-H00ps Looks like a horse, in a man costume..., Thu 6 May 2004, 16:55, Reply)

Possibly an urban legend
A friend of a friend of my brother (good start) went to Glastonbury several years ago and sampled more of the festival's culture than just the music. When he went to sleep at night he became paranoid about his stash of cannabis and decided the best place to hide it was up his arse.

His tent-mates were woken up in the middle of the night by his giggling, and repeating to himself "I can't get it back in". They turned on the light to discover their mate had had an anal prolapse (google for it - I dares ya).


PS: Please stop saying "Needless to say".
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:53, Reply)

This WASN"T me
A girl I knew was in some shoddy London uni halls, and it was the end of term. She laid out all her clothes on the bed ready to pack them away, and went off with her mates.

When she came back her whole room was covered in shit.

Literally, every surface peppered with ground crap. This of course included ALL of her clothes, laid on the bed. A locked door, locked windows, no loo - and no idea what happened. *Slightly* upset, she got the halls manager in.

Turned out some bloke in the room above her had been shitting in the sink for the whole year, backed up the system, and it all came whooshing out of her sink on the last day. Poor cow.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:48, Reply)

Very short story..
When i was little i was wearing shorst sat ontop of the staires when a poo the size of a pea poped out when i farted.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:42, Reply)

impressing girls
walking home from school, aged about 14, me and two mates were proud to parade in front of these two girls that had taken a liking to our cheeky scamp knock-a-bout ways. in a bid to impress them, my two mates started punching each other, getting each other in headlocks and the like. then it got a bit rough and turned into a full on grapple with them both rolling around slapping each other on the floor. only after they'd rolled about 15 meters down a grassy slope, and stood up with smiles that said "i bet you fancy us now we've shown how hard we are eh girls?" did it emerge that they were both plastered head-to-toe in dog shit. the air was chocolatey that day. as far as i am aware, they are both still virgins.
(pb4ugo2bed, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:40, Reply)

what the hell is that?
first time i was at reading festival. I did well not to shit for the whole five days, except for one instant.

i felt one was coming and nothing was going to stop it. so i went in one of the portaloos, dropped my pants, and began. trouble was, ntohing was comng out. I thought while i was there, I may as well make the most of it, so i forced with all my might to produce something which to this day remains a mystery. It didn't resemble shit in any way or form, it was just strip of maybe 2cm long of pale green paste.
(bunny_333, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:38, Reply)

Art poo / Nag poo
2 stories -

Whilst an art studend, I did one of those massive, unshiftable turds. That's when I discovered the long-distance slicing properties of the long handled paint brushes (not the bristled end, of course, that would be disgusting)

After getting horribly drunk in town with my sister one Christmas (on Guinness), I staggered home and belatedly decided to phone my gf and explain why I had failed to meet her as I had apparently arranged. She launched into a marathon moaning session, but I was so pissed I simply slumped by the phone (which is in a communal hall), and proceeded to ruin a brand new pair of 501s, before eventually realising my plight and ending the call. Ah, Christmas...

This is the funniest thread I've read, by the way. Good job the office is empty...
(kitfisto, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:34, Reply)

Shitty Snuff
Whilst I was at uni, my friend and myself got into the habit of doing snuff. On this occasion, being winter, we had a menthol one that looked just like a white powder...

We were both in a club pissed up, chatting when my mate suddenly says to me 'yeah, yeah...anyway I've just shat myself.'

Laughing we both go off to the toilet. My mate goes into a cubicle and starts cleaning himself up and using a broken bottle starts to cut off his shitridden pants.

Laughing outside the cubicle, I decide to have a bit of snuff. So there's me snorting white powder off my wrist - when 3 blokes walk in and see me. They start demanding I give them some 'coke' and things get a bit nasty when they dont believe its only snuff. A scuffle soon ensued, ending with my mate flinging open the cubicle door - standing there naked from the waist down, with shit on his legs, shit on his hands, a broken bottle in one hand and a pair of shitty pants in the other "Leave my f*cking mate alone you c*nts!!"

They did. Quickly. The expression of horror and fear on their faces was priceless.
( ashurek, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:33, Reply)

Frogger
The horror, the horror.

I went to a grammar school, and we had a lad placed in our year by the local council, in the hope that we would have a positive impact upon his behaviour (last I heard, he'd just been sent down for credit card fraud to fund his heroin habit, so that obviously worked).

Three of us were out one Sunday afternoon, when we 12, hanging around on this old railway bridge over a quiet backroad, when we found a frog. So this lad invented a game: let's drop the frog over the bridge (about 20 foot to the road below), and then take turns having a crap over the edge of the bridge to see who can get closest to the frog.

Well, there were no Playstation 2s back then, we had to make our own entertainment...




PS: I was a non-starter, Bad Lad hit the frog square on the head, which makes me think he'd been practising.
(Steve The Monkey, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:29, Reply)

SOOooo many stories of poo
Starting with most recent...
In halls at Uni we had a Phantom Shitter who terrorised our fair building for about a week. Each day he'd poo somewhere new. It started with the showers and went on to the flower pots outside, the canteen floor and finally, his crowning achievment, pooing on the "brown spot" of the snooker table. He was never caught.

As a young scamp in primary school, my friends and i were slightly intrigued by poo. One day my friend decided to bring a crap into school wrapped in toilet paper. It was very funny. Then the next day my other friend, who was more odd than most, said he had done the same. He then produced a poo from his pocket that wasnt wrapped in anything. We ran away.

Another time at rugby (we were forced) i decided to take a shit on the changing room bench - it was a sort of ploppy dropping type. Some older boys then came into the room and proceeded to laugh about how "some cat has cacked on the fucking bench".

Thats all for now. Oh except that the odd boy who brought the unwrapped poo used to put a rubber pig up his arse and throw it at the girls in our class. Ugh. I wonder where he is today?
( MrUppity, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:27, Reply)

uh oh
Me and my girlfriend had just come back from this indian.We had sex that night and it was great. well during the night she found it hard to sleep and went for a shit(without telling me). I woke up before that moring and went for a shite when this god awful smell came out the toilet that was a shite to be reckoned with. Red like florescent lip stick, and smelt like 200000 day old turd.
(chazwuzza, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:26, Reply)

I've got irritable bowel syndrome
Every poo is funny. I get poo-paste, poo-mucus, poo-pellets. Poo Poo Poo.

In fact I just got back from the hospital, where a lovely receptionist lady told me she liked my t-shirt (Maroon Furtive). I have just spent 40 minutes telling my doctor about my poo. In the most horrendous detail. I've had all kinds of fingers up my bum.

I once had to have a camera up my bum. They call it a flexible sigmoidoscopy. A foot and a half of cable laid in my bum. Then I had to travel for 9 hours on a coach. I could still feel it there for days afterwards.

And yet in all of this, I have never shat meself or squirted poo across the room or slipped in poo and banged my head really hard. I feel a little bit cheated by that really.
( Bud Muhnquai Update your profile or fuck off, Thu 6 May 2004, 16:09, Reply)

i once ate a £20 bag
of skunk in a pot noodle and my shit was green! hehehe and kinda sloppy aswell

hehe
(eleusis, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:51, Reply)

Dr Poo
In my last place of work we used to have a phantom shitter who we named 'Dr Poo'. Over a period of a few weeks he proceeded to produce some truly mind boggling messes in our work toilets. He must have taken great pride in them because he never flushed the chain leaving everyone to view his turd sculptures(like a Turner Prize entry).

Dr Poo's creations were usually heavy skids or (if we were particularly unlucky) a piece of poo on the toilet seat. If the latter happened, you'd vow never to use that paticular cubicle again (although after a couple of weeks most people forgot and used it anyway).

At the time, I was part of a group of mates who found Dr Poo's actions hilarious, but the hilarity soon turned to paranoia as, in turn, each of us accused the other of being the turd releasing villain. It was like one of those films in which a group of friends are trapped somewhere - they start off in good spirits but then their moods worsen as the situation becomes grimmer and they end up killing each other (you get the drift).

Dr Poo's 'Piece De Resistance' happened not long after in trap 2 of the fourth floor toilet. On entering said trap, I lifted up the toilet seat to be greeted by what can only be described as the most extreme pebbledash shit you could imagine - It was as if Dr Poo had a sprinkler attached to his arse.

Naturally I walked out, told a mate and then decided to wait for our other friends to discover Dr Poo's delights for themselves before rolling around on the floor laughing (a la Bart Simpson after making a crank call).

Eventually, we took to taking prolonged shits in trap 1 and 3 to listen to the reaction of other people as they lifted the lid of the toilet in Trap 2. The best reaction was from a tall American - On lifting the lid he proceeded to scream 'Good Lord!!' before running out of the toilet door.

Dr Poo's sprinkler shit stayed in it's natural pebbledash state for nearly 3 weeks (it wouldn't even flush away from the porcelin). Eventually the office manager jobsworth got the post boy to dress up in a radiation suit type thing and scrub it away.

Not much was heard from Dr Poo after that. Although we were introduced to his evil twin 'Dr Blood' not soon after.
(raymeister, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:51, Reply)

just remembered one from school days..
we'd been doing PE, which was rugby on a wet and muddy field. we were just taking our boots off to go indoors and shower, when a friend of mine (who was very much the 'class clown' type) knew it'd amuse us all to smear lines of mud across his cheeks and pretend to be a red indian.
which was all very well until someone noticed a smell.. yes, you've guessed it, he'd actually wiped dog shit on his face.
(moik, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:51, Reply)

Not so much a story, but a way of describing
A particularly nasty dump, usually after eating a lot of spicy food.

“It was like dog food in battery acid”

Credit to my brother for that one.
(Pandaemonium, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:42, Reply)

Another dog poo story (I hope)
I live in a very large apartment building with a number of elevators. One morning, I went off to work, bleary-eyed and exhausted, at about 5 a.m. I called the elevator, and when the doors opened, what did I see but an enormous, rank and obviouly fresh turd steaming in one of the corners. I can only hope that it belonged to one of the resident's pets and not one of the residents.

Edited to add that the resident I suspect of allowing their animal to do this has also been letting her dog go poo on her balcony all winter. Needless to say, her neighbors aren't pleased at having an adjoining balcony 6 inches deep in dog crap.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:41, Reply)

Blue!
A friend of mine told a story to me which i found quite interesting.. .. .. Once while on a night out in university she saw and offer for WKD (not being much of a lager drinker)she decided that as they were cheap she would take up the offer and the only colour of the sickly drink they had was blue......well ater this particularly heavy night of drink she woke up and went about her usual business when it came to the business of emptying her bowels she found what she could only describe as a Big blue poo!

So there you have it Drink loads of WKD blue and shit blue the next day.
(gezza, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:39, Reply)

Riot poo
In the early '80s, some mook thought it a great idea to place student nurses on the locked men's psychiatric ward at the Veteran's Hospital. The real nurses there were all giant men built like refridgerators, so they kept us wee girls in the office and played cards/flirted with us.

One day coming in to work, we heard a scream and saw a little tiny guy run through the ward stark naked and dripping wet with shitty feet. He was followed by a lot of other naked men and a riot started. The nurses locked us in a closet til it was over.

Turns out one of the big 300 lb murderers there had shit in the shower and made Tiny Guy stomp it down through the drain. In return, he wiped his feet on Big Murderer, squeezed his balls hard and ran away. Everyone else joined in the naked riot for the fun of it.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:33, Reply)

Proud to be British (My Mate)
My Mate a lorry driver, on his way to deliver his load (fnar fnar) stopped off at a diner on route to Paris, went to the toilet did a monumental shit on the shelf like toilet, only to realise the sign on the door in French was toilet don't work, at this point he went back to his cab and got a union jack cocktail stick and stuck in the top of his Everest dump, then called me in to look at it i nearly shit meself laughing
(joeyjojo schabadu, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:31, Reply)

Not my own faecal matter but...
...as a paramedic I was called to a lady who had "collapsed". Entering her house I found her laying on the floor covered in you know what. She had taken a large amount of anti inflammatory tablets (she was not used to them) *and* eaten some fruit recently sprayed with a pesticide known to cause bowel upsets. The result was what can only be described as many Mars bars floating in tomato soup.

Once went to drunk guy on a boat who had passed out after ringing the ambulance - on my arrival he was covered in diarrhoea. There was no-one else around and my partner and me didn't want to touch him so we rinsed him off with a hose. When the E.D. nurse asked why he was so wet, we heroically told her he had fallen out of the boat into the water and we had rescued him. She never asked why our uniforms were so dry.

They teach us to breathe through our mouths and not our noses when confronted with foul smells, but all you can taste is shit/vomit/etc for hours after...
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:30, Reply)

when I was in India
I managed to pick up Giardia - a nasty parasite which makes you shit water and lasted about a year, but I digress...

Whilst out there we met up with a sikh friend of my wife's who was there with her family. We went shopping in Simla which was all very nice and we all had a chortle over the garish orange toilet paper that we bought.

Later on, in a swish restaurant where we were being bought a delicious meal, my intestines did a flip flop and demanded emptying as soon as possible. I excused myself and rushed upstairs to the only toilet in the place, where I proceeded to pebble dash, well sandblast actually, the bowl. I wiped myself and then accidently dropped my garish orange loo roll in the toilet, forgetting that the Indian sewerage system can't take paper. The bowl was frankly an unholy mess.

As soon as I got back downstairs, my wife's friend's mother, a small, serious sikh lady, popped upstairs to use the loo before we left, not really expecting to be confronted with the orange toilet paper she had seen me buy, peppered with the slimey brown contents of my guts. She couldn't look me in the eye for the rest of the trip.
( thorpe www.voodootrombonequartet.com, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:23, Reply)

Weapons of Mass Defecation...
After a huge bender with some military intelligence guys I was contracting with abroad this year, I ran into them the next day having lunch. Once of the claimed to "Not remember a fucking thing... apart from going for a shit in the night... and not getting out of bed..." His colleagues thought this was hillarious and declared "We can't find the WMDS but we've got the Weapon of Mass Defecation right here" Classic.
(DrGonzo, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:16, Reply)

oo..oo..oo..oo..oo..oo
After two days of need at last years Reading Festival, i finally gave in and marched to the dump shack to relieve my aching bowels.
After taking a full 20 mins to summon the courage to open my sphyncter, i reliquished power of attourney to mother nature and proceeded to give birth to a 17" monster......

As we all know, festival toilets are a little full after 3 days of beer/acid/dog burger tomfoolery, so i had to stand up on the toilet to let gravity cut the cord (so to speak....), anyway, there was a half in / half out situation and then someone opened the door, and i was stoned, and i started laughing, and they didn't understand, and it was all bad....

God bless Stoner logic!!!!
( The Armchair Vandal, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:15, Reply)

Not me but someone i knew
Decided to swallow one of those rubbery cock things that swell up to about 15x their orignal size.
Anyway when it came to having to shit it out he describes it as having anal sex but backwards.
(project-2501, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:15, Reply)

An old work colleague insisted this was true
He lived in a truly vile all-male student house where many foul pranks were played. One game was called "Find the Turd". It involved one member of the house hiding one of their turds in the house and the house members having to find it over a period of time.

The ultimate winner was the guy who scooped out the contents of the family sized Flora margarine tub in the fridge, deposited his turd, and replaced the marge and put it back in the fridge. Suffice to say no-one found the turd for weeks until the marge started to go brown as the tub got used.

I think this was the last time they played "Find the Turd"...
(timostheenchantoth, Thu 6 May 2004, 15:15, Reply)