Apologies
How many babies does it take to change a lightbulb?

-Depends how you stack them

How many babies does it take to paint a room?

-Depends how hard you throw them

How many babies does it take to wallpaper a room?

-Depends how thin you slice them

What's the difference between your grandmother and a dead baby?

-I only fucked your gran once!
(CaptainProfanity, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 20:07, Reply)

a few from my fone
that i keep getting sent, again apologies if any of them have already made it onto this!

My dick is big
Her ass is tight
I poked her anus with delight
But halfway there i hit a bump
The bitch forgot to take a dump
********
3 holymen on a sinking ship at sea.
The minister shouts " save the children!!". The rabbi shouts " fuck the children!!", the priest shouts: " Do we have time?"
********
Man goes to the doctor after being raped by an elephant. The Dr says " funny, your ass is 10 inches wide but an elephants cock is only 3 inches wide!" To which the man replies " well the bastard fingered me first"
********
Due to the success of the last cockle picking trip, the invite is extended to pakis, wogs, gays and chavs.
********
and finally....
The US police dept. were said to be quite happy that Michael jackson dangled his little boy over a balcony. One officer said " normally he just tosses them off,"
(i see red people, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 20:06, Reply)

Sick Jokes
A Policeman is driving down the street when he sees a man pouring petrol over a bunch of Paki's. The policeman screeches to a halt, jumps out the car and shouts: "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

"Oh about fifty to the gallon!" replies the man

...


In todays news, Police in Alabama found the body of black man, hanging from the tree, his arms and legs had been cut off, he'd been set on fire and shot seven times.

The Sheriff said it was the worst suicide he'd ever seen!

...

You are woken in the middle of the night by a noise downstairs in the sitting room. You grab your baseball bat, carefully and quietly you make your way along the landing, down the stairs, through the hall, you fling open the sitting room door, you can just make out IN the darkness the TV floating mid air, what do you say? . . . . "DROP IT NIGGER!"

...

How many Vietnam Veterans does it take to change a lightbulb?

"You don't know man, you weren't there!"

...

What do you call a Paki with a piece of meat on his head?

Hammed

What do you call a Paki with two pieces of meat on his head?

Muhammed

What do you call a Paki with two pieces of meat on his head, standing in between two houses?

Muhammed Ali

...

Name a famous Jewish Baker?

Adolf Hitler
(TheGords, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 19:53, Reply)

and more
What do you do if your husband is stumbling around the yard?
Shoot him in the other leg!

what's yellow and green and covered in flies?
A dead girl scout

How do you make Paris Hilton cry twice?
Wipe your shitty cock on her Louis Vutton purse.

What's the difference between an Aremenian and a Gorilla?
A gold chain and 4 chest hairs.

How many Aremenians does it take to change a light bulb?
2, one to change it and one to spray colonge on it

Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
Her Boyfriend was blond too!

What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
A jack-hammer!

that's all that i can think of!
(La Chockita, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 19:47, Reply)

Last one for now!! but I'll be back
Q. What goes plink, plink, Fizz?

A. Two babies dropped into a bath of acid
(MadPeeps, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 19:27, Reply)

Nursery rhymes are so quaint!!!
There was an old women who lived in a shoe
She had so many children
she could stretch her c**t over the gas stove...
(MadPeeps, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 19:25, Reply)

The old ones are the best
Q. How do you teach a spastic to swim?

A. Weld him to a submarine!

Q. What is transparent and lies in the gutter

A. A Paki with the shit kicked out of him!

Q. How do you make a pakistani girl pregnant?

A. come on her shoes and let the flies do the rest!

Q. Why do women have legs?

A. Have you ever seen the mess a slug leaves!
(MadPeeps, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 19:17, Reply)

Sorry if it's already there.... beat you to it if it's not
A bloke who is getting very close to the vinegar strokes with his girl friend... Says to her

"Turn over I'm nearly there and I want to finish off up your a**e!!!"

"Don't be a perv!" comes the reply to which he smacks her....

"Why did you smack me?"

"You shouldn't know what a perv is you are only 7 !!!"
(MadPeeps, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 19:13, Reply)

Can't be bothered looking to see if it is already there
The 12.15 Euston Express grinds to a halt as somebody has pulled the emergency cable....A distraut guard runs up and down the train twice and can't find the culprit... Very annoyed he arrives outside a toilet door which is locked... He bangs on the door and asks the occupant if they had pulled the emergency cord...

A screamed "YES" was the reply

"Why?"

"BECAUSE I'VE GOT PILES!!!"

"That's no reason to pull the emergency cord" replys the guard, "I've got piles and I haven't pulled it!"

"YES, BUT YOURS AREN'T WRAPPED AROUND THE AXLE"

Wah, Wah, Wahhhhhhh!
(MadPeeps, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 19:07, Reply)

Sorry for repeating
Q. What do elephants use as tampons?

A. Sheep

Q. Why do elephants have trunks?

A. Because sheep don't have strings!
(MadPeeps, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 18:22, Reply)

Sleeper Train HAS NOT BEEN POSTED HERE YET
A man and a woman, who didn't know each other, were sharing a carriage on a sleeper train. In the middle of the night, the woman taps the man on the shoulder, and says

'I'm cold, can you get me a blanket?'

'I know', says the man, 'why don't we pretend we're married?'

The woman does like the man, and is in a good mood, so she agrees.

'Good', says the man, 'get your own fucking blanket!
(Mr_Jums, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 18:00, Reply)

There once was a vampire called Mabel
Who's periods were really quite stable
Every full moon
She'd get out a spoon
And drink herself under the table

sorry if bindun
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 17:48, Reply)

tramps
This blokes walking back from the pub. On his way home he goes through a park and finds a tramp passed out on a bench. He looks round, sees there's no one about, whips down his trousers and shags the vagrant right up the shitter. He feels really guilty, so leaves a fiver in the tramps pocket.

Next morning the tramp wakes up, anaware of the previous night's uninvited sodomising, and finds a fiver in his pocket. Great, he thinks and goes to the offie. "A bottle of your cheapest whisky please." and he's all set.

The next night the same phantom sodomist is walking back through the same park, and finds the same tramp. "I can't," he thinks, butthen does. This time he feels even more guilty and leaves a tenner inthe tramp's pocket.

Next morning same thing happens, tramp wakes up, puts his hand in his pocket and finds a tenner and heads straight off to the offie. "2 bottles of your cheapest whisky please" and he's happy.

Next night same bloke's walking back through the same park and finds the same tramp. "Fuck it, last time" he thinks, does the deed and leaves 100 pounds through guilt.

Tramp wakes up the next day, finds 100 quid in his pocket and is straight down to the offie. "A bottle of your finest whisky." "Eh, finest" Says the attendant "don't you mean cheapest"

"Nah," replies the tramp "That stuff makes my arse bleed."

Sorry for length, and possible repetition. Also, if that tramp's reading, sorry.....
(Mong-the-Merciful, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 17:27, Reply)

Mongs
What's The Difference Between A Mong And A Rotting Corpse?

...............................................

One Dribbles Rank, Disgsting, Horrific, Vile Ooze. And The Other One Has No Pulse.
(GiantSexySpaceMonkey is having a hat party........... with hats, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 17:23, Reply)

What does an Ethiopian say when she goes down on a bloke?
Fuck me I'm hungry...
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 17:05, Reply)

bintold?
A woman is walking down a quiet beach when she suddenly hears someone calling to her.

She turns round and there, lying face down on a beachtowel, is a paraplegic. He says,
"Miss, oh miss, i don't suppose you could turn me over could you? I'm getting terribly sunburned over here."

Being a compassionate woman, she happily obliges.
"Thank you, oh, thank you", he says, "but while you're here, could you do me another favour?"

"Ok" says the woman

"You see, I've been a paraplegic all my life, and I've never felt the soft caress of a woman's lips. I guess what I'm asking is, could I have a kiss?"

Taking pity on the poor legless, armless freak, the woman agrees. They kiss and the man is overjoyed.

"Well," says the paraplegic, "you seem pretty much up for anything. I've never been fucked either. What do you say?"

She thinks about this for a minute, then says, "Ok, why not."

So she picks him up by his stumps and hurls him into the sea, shouting after him,
"You're fucked now!"
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 16:32, Reply)

Probably been done in one form or another*
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Gestapo.

Gestapo who?

VE ASK ZE QUESTIONS!!!
::SLAP::

* but if you think I'm searching manually through 36-odd pages of filth, you've got another thing coming ... or ... ah.

/shuffles off to browse aforementioned filth
( badg3r :: what are you insinuating, you equity ponce? last considered changing his board sig on, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 16:29, Reply)

Sorry if these have been done already
... I've read a lot of them, you know...

Some Essex girl jokes (not really that sick though)

Q. What does an Essex girl and a washing machine have in common?
A. They both dripped when they're fucked.

Q. What does an Essex girl use for protection?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. How does an Essex girl turn the light on after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Sorry if you're female and from Essex. Replace the word with Chav to bring the jokes up to date.
( heyrudi has just found this setting, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 16:22, Reply)

I am so very sorry 3
Can't remember if this has been posted on b3ta before; might've been in the grafitti thread.

There was a young man from Cowes,
Who liked to suck shit from old women's bowels.
When he couldn't do this,
he drank prostitutes' piss,
and nibbled scabs from sanitary towels.
( Bob Todd whee, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 16:20, Reply)

I am so very sorry 2
When you were only sweet 16 and had a tiny quim,
you stood before the looking glass and popped 1 finger in,
but now you're getting old and grey and losing all your charm,
I can get 5 fingers in and half me fecking arm!
( Bob Todd whee, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 16:19, Reply)

I am so very sorry.
'The time has come,' the Walrus said, ' to speak of many things,
'of piss, and shit, and sodomy, and the buggery of rings,'
and as he spoke 1000 whores in purple drawers came marching down the strand.
'Do you suppose,' the Walrus said 'that we could raise a stand?'
'I doubt it,' said the carpenter, 'but would it not be grand?'
and all the time the filthy sod was cumming in his hand.
( Bob Todd whee, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 16:18, Reply)

Works better 3 years ago
What's this?

*hand moves in circular motion on the floor*

A Manhattan window cleaner.
(Shake, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 16:05, Reply)

Hi there repeat offenders
So much for 'original jokes'. Mr/Ms apple/dead baby... Done about 10 times. Mr/Ms Pitchfork truck, babies... Done more times still... And Mr/Ms concentration camp... done at least 5 times...
If you dont know if your joke has been done, go to page 34 and read my summary, OR read the pages yourself...
We dont need to contest the 28 year olds shitty joke for repetition do we? Grrrr
(Dogmatix, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:59, Reply)

School day one day...
..and Ms. Jones was talking about how the Jews were persecuted in the Second World War. Suddenly, Jimmy burst into tears.

"What's wrong Jimmy?" Asked the teacher.

"My great grandad died in a concentration camp." Jimmy replied.

"Oh dear! I am sorry to hear that."

"Yeah. Fell out of a guard tower. Broke his neck."
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:51, Reply)

dare
whats the difference between babies and water?

you cant use a pitch fork to get water out of the back of a truck.
(forkboy, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:51, Reply)

Whats the difference between a golden delicious apple
and a dead baby?

....
I don't cum ALL OVER a golden delicious apple before I take a big bite out of it.

Find one thats worse. I double dog dare you.
(this joke is too bad to keep in my profile, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:48, Reply)

Little girl to her Mum
"Mummy, Jimmy next doors willy is like a peanut"
"Because it's small?"
"No, because it's salty!!"
(The Fixer, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:45, Reply)

Not sure if this has been done yet....
Little Johnny's late for school again, and sidles into the classroom just before lunch.

"Oh, Johnny!" cries the teacher, "This is the third time this week."

"Sorry I'm late miss," he replies, "But my dad got burnt this morning."

"Oh, not too badly I hope?" asks the teacher, suddenly losing her anger.

"They don't fuck about at the crematorium, miss."
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:41, Reply)

How do you fuck 300 kids in one day

Send them to school in Russia
(The Fixer, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:40, Reply)

Not hohum
Mummy, Mummy can I have spoon?

Why dearest?

The cat's been sick and me sisters getting all the big bits!
(Wrecked Tums, Tue 14 Sep 2004, 15:33, Reply)