I very recently returned from Leeds Festival
Where I was sharing a compartment for the weekend with a lovely gentleman friend I have been getting along with rather well.

Along comes the third night I was getting bored with the slow pace and suggested he take a subtance and soon find myself back in the tent, rather naked and bored as he tries in vain to finish what he started.

I find out he is a virgin and also wanks in his sleep...

not feeling or groaping, full on wanking.
( Wiggle nom, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 22:58, Reply)

my partner has suffered from sonambulism since childhood. Usually it isnt a problem as i am a very light sleeper and can keep an eye out, but if i have to go away for work i never know what i will come home to.
In 4 years of living together there has been:
*using the cloak room as a toilet, the only use of this was that i realised more dietry fibre was needed. I couldnt bare to part with one pair of boots that got a direct hit, and they are now called 'The Shat-In Boots'.
*shredding my best linen and making knotted rope and hanging it out of the window (bedroom is ground floor)
*arrested for trying to get into our old house naked at 5am
*redecorating the living room with bright red car paint, haivng actually covered all furniture carefully in dust sheets

we have tried clinics, meds, the only thing that works is tying the mad bastard to the bed.
Not very funny, but true and cathartic.
( lady_delirium, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 22:53, Reply)

Not so much sleep walking
I was on a youth group holiday and i ended up sharing a double bed with a mate of mine, not too much of a problem. Anyways, i was having a dream about a girl I was seeing at the time and as i rolled in my sleep I found a warm body next to me. As a sort of reflex action my arm wrapped around him and I moved to make out with him, only to be woken up with his fist in my chest. He doesn't let me forget.
Didn't get far enough to find out about length
(alpha doesn't have a witty phrase to write here, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 22:16, Reply)

Facepaint and sausage rolls
My mate has just reminded me of the time I stayed at her house when we were younger. Her elder sister also had a friend staying over and the four of us had a mini sleepover going on in the lounge. After the usual junkfood and cheesy film, me and my mate had fallen asleep and her sister had decided to decorate our faces with lipstick. Apparently when they were halfway through, I opened my eyes and just stared at them. They froze for a minute, thinking I'd woken up and caught them, but when I didn't say anything they just carried on painting my face whilst I stared on. Odd.

On another occasion, I was at a friend's birthday sleepover and woke up the next morning to find a sausage roll in my sleeping bag. They all tried to convince me that I'd sleepwalked in the night, gone to the food table and brought it back to bed with me. I didn't fall for that one funnily enough.
( El Lazarus is calm now, Ish,, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 20:04, Reply)

Wedding night surprise
One of the most lovely guys I know is the spitting double for Family Guy. Not just having that burden to bear in his journey through life, he also sleepwalks when drunk.

On tour in Czechoslovakia with our soccer team he set about drinking himself into a stupor. Leaving the assembled pals to go to bed at 3am, by 5am he found himself in the hotel lobby, naked at the reception desk banging on the table top demanding a taxi to take him back to Vienna (where he was a career diplomat). The giggling girl and male receptionist were enough to wake him and realising his embarrassment he looked around and grabbed the only thing he could to give him some dignity. An A6 Amex promotion postcard was his chosen figleaf. Apparently with some space to spare.

The next day it was clear he hadn't just turned up at reception but had peed in every stairwell all the way down from the 5th floor as well as in his briefcase and over his cell fone in his bedroom. The fone didn't work anymore it was so badly soaked. No doubt some primevial desire to mark his territory whereever he was.

We all travelled together the next day in a Eastern European train to his home in Austria where we were to stay a few nights - the faint smell of urine from his bag was cloying in the heat and a reminder to him and us of his antics. After hours of teasing he made us all swear we would not tell his wife when we met her what he'd done.

As if. Over weiner schnizel's the size of elephant lungs, we chatted with his charming spouse until it was time for him to go for a pee and the inevitable joke at his expense. His wife immediately sussed what we were going on about - clearly a long-suffering victim of his nightly walkabouts. After giving him hell for a few minutes - and did she give him hell - she turned to us and confessed that on his wedding night he'd got so pissed that she had woken up and found him peeing on her leg from the side of the bed. His excuse was he thought she was an urinal.

Poor bastard. He's only not called "pisshead" because he's ginger and there's better nicknames for the bugger.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 18:19, Reply)

New York
Was on a holiday with two mates in NY. On the second night we went out and had a few beverages. Anyway, we make our way back to the hotel. The way the rooms worked was that the room was split into 2 bedrooms, almost like a suite. Me and one other fella were sharing one of the rooms and we got rudely awaken at some stupid o'clock time by someone hammering away at the door. We had no idea who was at the door or for what reason they were banging away. We got up and answered it only to be greeted by our friend standing there in his pants not knowing how he got there.

It turns out, via another guest, that he had gone into the hallway and pissed all up the wall. The kindly guest waited for him to finish and then approached him which subsequently woke him up.
Why he left the room I have no idea. The toilet was right next to his room.

We checked out that morning
(Clivicus, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 17:19, Reply)

Space Cadet.
.
When I was student me and a bunch of mates were caned off our tits on weed. One guy, John, climbed on top of a wardrobe and promptly fell asleep - for about ten minutes. Then, for the next hour he entertained us with:

"PEW! PEW! PEW _ BOOOOOOOM!!! - That's another inter-galactic battle cruiser that won't bother the federation"

To this day, 20 years later, he's still known as The Space Cadet.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 16:53, Reply)

Noises from hell.
Slept with this girl once. Really nice girl, petite blonde. Really quiet shy cute voice. You know the type. Was woken up at 3am by a noise which could only be compared to that of a rhino in severe distress emitting from this girls nasal passage. It was the most rivolting sound ever heard. I mean the bed shook. The bed physically shook. It probably woke the neighbours up. This wasnt snoring, this was some kind of nasal fit back passage clear out to the extreme. I thought the woman was dieing!

Next day she told me she always does it but has no memory of it. Yup not sleeping with that one again!

Length? Went on for a bloody hour but didnt have the heart to wake her up.
(Miggyman, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 16:35, Reply)

When my mate was sleepwalking as a toddler
he pissed in the fridge.
(Keiths Dad, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 16:12, Reply)

‮I talk backwards in my sleep ‮
(THIRTY-TWO - Sputnik -, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 15:52, Reply)

A spooky one
I just remembered this. A few years ago I was asleep at home with Mrs. Gobbo. she woke in the middle of the night and as she came too she looked up into the darkness to see my silhouette hovering over her peering down into her face.

When I didn't talk to her she thought I must be sleep-walking and, not wanting to wake me suddenly, backed away to get out of bed on the opposite side. She freaked out completely when she bumped into me and found I was still in bed. Glancing back again she saw I was still standing beside the bed as well.

This was all too much for her and she threw the covers over her head and stayed like that till dawn, shaking like a leaf.

It hasn't happened since. I should add that neither of us had been drinking or messing with drugs.

Spooky.
(gobbo, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 15:10, Reply)

One November a few years ago...
Myself and my flatmate (Neil) were out drinking. We'd consumed a vast amount of booze, but managed to get ourselves home (via a kebab shop, naturally). We got home and headed to bed. I went to sleep easily, due in no small part to the levels of alcohol in my system.

My next memory was of a cold feeling in my feet. I was standing outside my flat. I thought for a moment I was dreaming, but that faded quickly as I turned to see my front door was firmly shut. So there I stood outside the flat in my boxers, feeling cold and confused.

Easy enough to sort this out I thought, I'll just knock and get Neil to open the door. Unfortunately Neil was catatonic and wouldn't wake up. So after quite some time knocking and shouting through the letter box, I wandered outside to see if I could climb up to the flat (it was only first floor). I quickly realised that climbing would be stupid as I was still pissed, never that good at climbing, and concrete would be my crash mat. So, I started scrabbling around for stones to throw at the windows to wake Neil up.

Nothing worked, so I resorted to bellowing through the letter box...I'm sure my neighbours must have thought I was going nuts.

Eventually Neil woke from his slumber and opened the door to be greeted by me in my shorts with muddy feet, looking cold and deeply unhappy. He said he'd heard the stones hitting the windows but thought the noise was in his head!

I haven't been sleepwalking since (as far as I know), but now I always wear a bit more to bed when it's cold outside.
( trebor_minty, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 14:01, Reply)

Several years ago...
...myself and my girlfriend of the time went out on the piss, and subsequently went back to her flat for the night.

Come the early hours of the morning, I shook her by the shoulders to wake her up, in a sleep-like trance, urgently saying "Wake up, wake up! I need a piss!" Her response, naturally, was "Go to the bathroom then..."
Me: "Are you sure, are you sure?"
Her: "Of course, go on!"

So I threw my legs over the side of the bed, pulled out my cock, and pissed all over her bedroom floor.

She screamed at me asking what the fuck I was doing, which I apparently replied with, "What, just cuz I'm a guy I can't sit down to pee?"

She laughs about it now.
(God_of_the_mind, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 13:30, Reply)

Not really on topic, but
it is about pissing, so I suppose that qualifies.

Anyway, I was reminded by Sir Pigeon Nipples' story below about sitting down in front of the oven to take a pee, about an incident that happened on my mate's stag weekend in Prague several years back.

Anyway, as happens on such dos, we had been taking in the cultural side of the city, you know, the museums and art galleries, and had stopped for a glass or two of sparkling water at a local hostelry (ahem - this may not be exactly the way of it...). One of our number had to go to the toilet and noticed that stored outside the door was a number of swivel chairs, the high ones like you find at workbenches and posh bars.

He had the bright idea of taking them into the bog and setting one in front of each urinal.

The next one of my mates to go in witnessed an English bloke sitting on the chair with his knob out, peeing into the urinal, and making a comment about those "zany Czechs" and their bizarre toilet habits.

I have never peed whilst sitting in a chair, but I can't imagine it would be a favourable position, as when the pressure dropped at the end the last bit of the stream would probably end up all over your trousers!

I will make no apologies for length, and I'm sure the bloke in the chair didn't either.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 12:35, Reply)

I too....
...have had many experiences of sleep activities.

One time I dreamt (is it dreamed?) that i got up, walked down the hall, went into the bathroom and started my business, only to wake with a puddle in my bed.

Bloody annoying that one's brain would play such cruel tricks.

I wish i'd sleepwalked to the bathroom.
(Scoopfoot loves lamp, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 12:03, Reply)

One of my friends...
on a rather usual night on the town decided to wake both myself and another friend by screaming, then got up, stood in the middle of the room and shouted "I am a turkey, basting in the oven" and then climbed back into bed.

Was slightly bizarre.
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 11:19, Reply)

In Wales on a canal boat
there was a set of bunks I shared with my mate. I was on the top bunk, he on the bottom.

I woke one morning to be in excruciating pain emanating from my right leg, and upon further investigation found an 18 inch by 4 inch bruise containing all the colours of the rainbow.

I was thus confuzzled until at breakfast my mate couldn't keep a straight face, I questioned this act of paranoia-enducing smirking and his reply:

You fell out the top bunk at 4am, shouted at me for moving the bed, then screamed "How the F**k did you get my bed up in the air like that?"

I got my own back when he fell into the canal, twice. He was awake both times though :(
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 10:46, Reply)

My cousin never hears the end of this.
My cousin Carl was very prone to sleep-walking whilst growing up. (Now 22.)

Best stories (that we as a family insist upon telling his new girlfriends) include:

The Butlins Story:
Carl comes downstairs one night (he was about 11 at the time), sleep-walking of course, looking for "teddies and a passport".
When asked why he needs these things he replies with "going on a mission to Butlins".
He starts rummaging through cupboards etc to find them and eventually ends up going back to bed with a pillow from the sofa and a Dictionary.

The Frog Story:
Carl wanders into his brother Garry's room at 2am with his hands cupped together and says, "Garry! Look! I have a frog! Wanna see?"
Carl then proceeds to open his hands to reveal... nothing.
Carl then breaks into a panic declaring to have lost his frog and starts to rips Garry's room apart trying to find a non-existant frog.
He even went through the bottom of the wardrobe, throwing shoes etc over his shoulders in true cartoon-style.
In order to get him to go back to bed we had to reassure him we'd continue the hunt for the frog in the morning.
(tylrdiablos, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 10:39, Reply)

Yet another pissing one.....
But I like to think that I put a bit more effort into it;)
As my lovely ex decided to inform me the following day in front of my business partner and employees...
One night after a few too many wines, I retired to bed quite early but came out a couple of hours later naked and went to the oven with my dick in hand ready to go, the only problem being I am 6'1" and the oven door was quite low.
At this stage the ex asks "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" I respond with a grunt and walk off to the dining room (the ex thinks it is all safe now), only to return 30 seconds later with a dining chair, place it infront of the oven, pull out a baking dish and piss from the chair into it. By this stage the ex is hysterical. I just grunt again, put the dish back in the oven and take the chair back in the dining room and go back to bed.
I was wondering why she wouldnt talk to me the next morning.
Gotta give her points for waiting to tell me in front of everyone at work though!
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 10:21, Reply)

Urinating
Not sure if my mate was asleep or just in the thrall of drugs and booze, but this one still makes me laugh.
My friend was staying Christmas Eve at his girlfriend's parent's house. For some unknown reason he decided that Stella would not be enough on that fateful night and decided to complement his wife beater with some LSD. Now, he retires to bed somewhat worse for wear, but soon the Stella takes hold and in his comatose state he bounces of walls to the bathroom. Or what he thought was the bathroom. Unfortunately, not being awake or at least in control of his faculties, he made a wrong turn somewhere and arrived in his beau's beloved parents room. Mr and Mrs girlfriens are then treated to an unsolicited golden shower. Friend then retires to bed.
Sometime after he is woken by his girlfriend shouting at him for pissing over her beloved parents, an event which he has no recollection of. Instead of sneaking out at this point, for some unknown reason he stays and, in his own words, had the "quitest Christmas ever" sat opposite his potential inlaws, no one speaking, all just glaring at their Christmas dinner and trying to forget the night before.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 9:41, Reply)

Drinky Drunky Sleepy Fun
All my friends seem to develop sleepwalking tendencies when they're drunk. I don't know if this technically counts but they wake up the next morning having done something stupid while 'asleep' so if we all squint, these stories fit. Thanks.

Everyone knows of someone who tries to piss somewhere stupid thinking it's the toilet. My brother was stopped by his wife just before he relieved himself into a wardrobe. And then a week later into the washing basket. But this all pales into significance against the friend who woke up one morning, suitably hungover to find his TV drenched in wee. As if that wasn't enough a vague memory stirred and with growing horror he slowly opened the drawer at his bedside to find a lovely pool of vomit. Half way through the night he'd rolled over, opened the drawer, emptied his stomach into it and then just closed it and gone back to sleep as if this was in someway normal.

But none of these are impressive as one friend who shall remain nameless. His second best was blundering into his mother's room, waking her up by turning the light on and swaying there for a moment with his eyes closed. When his mother asked, rather annoyed what he was doing, he opened the conversation with the slurred classic "Have you ever squatted over a mirror so you can look at your own arsehole?". He seemed quite annoyed when his mother didn't want to have such a discussion at three in the morning and just shuffled off.

Even better, however, occurred just a few weeks later. His younger brother was fast asleep when he was woken up by the friend coming back from a night on the town. He heard him thumping about and sliding along the walls trying to get to his bed and finally everything was quiet and he went back to sleep. Half an hour later his door is opened and he's blinded by the light being put on. His brother, allegedly asleep, wearing nothing but his boxer shorts and his glasses stumbles up to him, grabs the duvet and tries to get into the single bed with him. Little brother is not too happy about this and starts shouting at him, pointing out that he's naked. Unperturbed the friend mutters "Well.....I'm seven eighths naked!" and resumes the struggle. Eventually with a few swift punches he gets the message and stumbles off back to his own bed. The little brother is waiting to make sure he's gone before doing the short naked jog to switch his light back off. Just as he's about to, the door handle rattles and his door opens a few inches. He readies himself to shout, swear and punch again whereupon his brother's hand snakes through the gap holding his glasses. He hangs them on the handle on the inside of the door, pulls it to behind him and then slides down the landing wall and collapses into his own bedroom. He says he was asleep the whole time but I think he was just after some incest fun and needed an excuse when he got knocked back.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Mon 27 Aug 2007, 9:37, Reply)

Well, there are a few so I'll start with this one....
Back in my younger years when I was about 19 and still living at my mothers house I sleep ate (a habit that still plagues me to this day). But the most memorable one was one morning waking up and mum asking if I remembered having dinner last night...
(At this point I must mention that I did love my speed back then and was coming down from a bender and catching up on some well deserved sleep)
Apparently I woke up at about 1am, heated up some dinner that was in the fridge, got myself a beer and sat in the lounge room where mum was watching telly, and ate my dinner like a good lad. Now this would have been quite OK...
if I had been wearing clothes.
Apparently I made no sense whatsoever when mum tried to engage in conversation, so she thought she would just let me do my thing. So I had dinner and went back to bed and still have no recollection of the incident to this day. Damn Ampthetamines!
Other sleep eating sessions that regularly occur usually involve missing food goods and remote controls. So far we have found a block of cheese in the microwave, remote controls in cupboards and the fridge and any deli meats for lunches are not safe at all as they usually disapear overnight too. Oh, and waking up with 1/2 a slice of pizza and a timtam on my bed has also been known to occur.
EDIT: And I have also been found by my girlfreinds father (we lived there for a few months once) sitting on the floor infront of his fridge tearing peices off his leftover lamb roast with my hands and eating it.
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 8:21, Reply)

On the Shelf
At a cub camp I awoke one morning on the kitchen shelf. The level of concern on Akela's face will never leave me.
(acerola70 clichedvoice.blogspot.com, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 7:58, Reply)

the TARDISzzzzzzz....
I don't care if this is funny to you lot or not, but I have dined out on this for years.

A pal of mine is a massive Doctor Who head. At his school they built a TARDIS for a school play or something, and when the show finished, he pilfered it for himself.

For years it stood proudly at the entrance to his cupboard, meaning he had to enter the TARDIS to get dressed.

One particularly boozy night, which I am quite proud to have been responsible for, as usual, Pal goes to sleep a little worse for wear.

Only to awaken in the wee small hours, terrified and scrunched up in the foetal position in his TARDIS, with a little drool dribble down the wall.

He doesn't remember going in there, doesn't remember why, he just knows he was terrified.

I like that his TARDIS was his 'happy place' that he retreated to in times of uncontrollable and inexplicable terror, or when he needed a jacket.
(lessmiserable, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 4:48, Reply)

Corn flakes, corn flakes corn flakes corn flakes corn flakes...
Not me but my mates sister...

Over breakfast one morning was regaling the family with the strange event from the night before. Basically she had woken up completely naked. She freaked out, put on some PJ's and went back to sleep.

As she completes her tale, her dad is attempting to pour himself a bowl of cornflakes, but is having some trouble. There appeared to be something blocking the flow of corny flakey goodness. With a little investigation it was discovered that the blockage was in fact his daughters nightey and underkeks.

A little disturbing, but it troubles (arouses) me still what this young woman was dreaming about that caused her to disrobe and stuff her clothes in some breakfast cereal.
(lessmiserable, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 4:41, Reply)

Another time
Was kipping downstairs on a friends sofa, he comes downstairs in just his boxers, turns on the light, slaps me twice on the arm mumbling "what the hell do you think you're doing waking me up at this time" he then yells "YOU'RE LYING!" and leaves. I hadn't made a sound.

Still swears to this day that he didnt do it.
(Black sky No accidents since, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 4:17, Reply)

The Night Shites
Yes you read it, the night shites.

Again, not me. I'm normal in my sleep apart from the odd "I Don't like bran flakes mum" and things like that.

Cue on a booze trip to a mates house for a party. Everyones pissed up and having a laugh, all go off to our respective bedrooms, couches etc.

I'm sleeping on the floor in ma sleepin bag in the spare room, curled up nice and cosy.

I get woken up about 2 hours later at about 5AM as the door opens, it's "Jeff" (absolutely MAD pissed up, real name not used as i dunno if he's a b3ta reader or not!). So he's stood in the doorway, i try talking to him, nothing. I think fine, and roll over and think about sleeping again.

Until...

"Jeff" comes in, drops trousers (as you do) and sits on the pile of bags in the corner of the room like he's about to take a dump...

Out of my bag springs me in my boxers, and im not a small chap, grab "Jeff" and take him to the loo, which was downstairs. Shove him in, and light up a smoke and grab another drink, me and my mate (owner of said house) absolutely PISSING ourselves at what we had just seen.

I tell you, there's nothing scarier than being woken up by a confused sleepwalking drunk about to shit all over your bags and everyone else's...

Length? Way he was sat would have been a big 'un.
(knifeh and Mrs Knifeh discovered radioactive bacon!, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 4:16, Reply)

Night wankery
Not mine but my missus at the time's folly this one.

Had a rather nice evening of rumpy and as usual, collapsed afterwards for some well deserved kip in her bed afterwards.

Woke up about 2 hours later, hard as a rock and my missus fast asleep, but playing with me, y'know, down there...

Suffice to say i was quite freaked out at getting a hand job from my missus who's sound asleep and has no idea, still, i lied there till she (and I) was finished and promptly went to sleep in my own bed a few doors down cos i was slightly weirded out still.

Not weirded out enough to slip out before I'd had my fun though ;)

Length? She never complained, only moaned uncontrollably...
(knifeh and Mrs Knifeh discovered radioactive bacon!, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 4:03, Reply)

Dog kicking goodness
I was sharing a tent with fellow b3tard electrichamster some years ago. After sleeping peacefully for most of the night, he proceeded to roll over and kick the living crap out of me through his sleeping bag, shouting "GET OFF ME!". Later he told me he'd been dreaming about his dog.

What sort of person kicks his dog in his sleep?
(Epizootic, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 4:00, Reply)

Airline Fun
An ex of mine told me on many occasions about my fondness for shouting obscenities in my sleep. Not just swearing, but bellowing running commentaries on the wrongest, most degrading sex dreams that anyone could ever have. I think it used to worry her initially but after a while she found it quite funny.

Once, on my own on a flight between Australia and the UK I found myself being rudely awoken by a concerned looking stewardess.

"Are you alright?" she asks me.

"Well I was fine until you woke me up!" I replied, rather testily.

"Yes, sorry about that... We were just a little worried about you... You were, um... shouting."

At this point I look around the cabin to see about a hundred other passengers, mostly with their Qantas blindfolds pushed up on foreheads, staring daggers at me with looks ranging between shock, anger, genuine fear and repulsion.

"Um... what was I shouting?" I ask the stewardess sheepishly.

"Never mind... we just wanted to check you were ok."

I never did find out what filth I was screaming at my fellow passengers, but I think it's safe to say that it wasn't pleasant judging by the looks I got for the next 13 hours.
(fla383 hasn't taken his medication since, Mon 27 Aug 2007, 3:17, Reply)