Jimmy Riddle
Someone I know has a habit of getting up in the night and pissing in the strangest places. Once he pissed on his stereo only to try turning it on in the morning and hearing a fizz, bang and noticing it still dripping out of the back. He also came downstairs one morning to find the cushion of the armchair lifted (like a toilet seat would be) and a large stain slowly spreading across the upholstery.
The funniest was when he told me he was rudely awakened while pissing on his dad! I think his old man was probably justified though.
(the noggin causes laxative effects, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 8:39, Reply)

A friend of mine...
. masturbates vigorously in his sleep.
Every morning he wakes up with a red raw cock and a large and ungainly rapidly cooling jellyfish on his belly.
(LunarJim, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 8:31, Reply)

Not me, a friend...
When I was about 10/11 I had my best friend staying over one night.

Anyway, 4am he shakes me awake. "They're coming. We have to go!"

"What?"

"They're coming! C'mon!"

Groggily "Ok, just wait for me on the window sill" (upside down house, bedrooms on the groundfloor).

2 mins later - I awake fully. My friend is gone. The window is wide open - and he's not waiting for me.

Stunned, I walk to my parents room "Erm, mum, dad...Sean's kindof...jumped out the window."

"What?"

"Yeah, he woke me up and legged it."

"We'll phone his parents."

So, he was pretty much my neighbour, and we lived right next to our local primary school.

In barefeet he hopped the 5ft wall, legged it down the grass pitch thinking dobermann's were chasing him - then proceeded to climb the 10ft fence at the bottom. Still in barefeet mind. Hit his head on a branch upon landing on the other side - then slowly awakened. To find himself in bushes, in the dark, almost naked - and no idea what the fuck had just happened.

He heard his oldman cough from a distance and started screaming blue murder.

Needless to say he didn't spend the rest of the night at my house.


Length? It was 10 foot!
(allywilson, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 8:00, Reply)

Distant Fire
I was lost in deep sleep, when I heard a tremendous *BOOM*! I struggled to awaken, because I KNEW I had only seconds to live....

After a few seconds, I realized I wasn't going to die immediately, so I jumped out of bed and ran naked outside.

In the distance, towards a nearby city, the sky was alight with fire. I started crying: the entire city was on fire!

Then, suddenly, I was wet. What was this? Slowly, I awoke: rain was falling from a thunderstorm above (hence the *BOOM*) and the terrible fire was merely the glow of city lights in the sky....
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 7:08, Reply)

Not me ... a room mate.
Years ago, I stationed at Kinloss, I loved the place. The bastards have knocked the NAAFI down and built a new one... I digress, sorry!

Anyhoo! We were living in four man rooms and this one lad whom I shall call Jerry, for I really can't remember his real name, used to sleepwalk. A lot! An awful lot! In fact, practically every night. It was the purpose of the sleepwalking that was the problem. You see, at that time, most people drank - lots. In fact Jerry's first action on waking, was to crack a can of lager (worrying, I know, and I really hope that he got on top of that). well, you probably can guess what is going to happen here, but I'll tell you anyway! I was awakened in the early hours of the morning one night by the sound of running water. Upon investigation, I find a urinating Jerry facing my opened locker! Yep! He is peeing all over my boots, shoes and, worst of all, the uniform I was to wear in the morning.

I, of course, reacted in a manner suitable for a person in my situation, until, that is, I realised that he was in fact asleep! The fumblings immediately beforehand was Jerry, in his head, walking to the ablutions - only in reality, he was bouncing around our room!

I locked my locker after that and managed to steer him in the right direction most nights.

As for length... He was stood right in the door of me fookin' locker!!
(AsADie, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 7:00, Reply)

Ronald Reagan sees all
Too many all-nighters and too much coffee at uni occasionally made me sleepwalk.

One occasion found me running around the house pulling all the blinds and curtains shut, in quite a panicky state. When questioned by my brother, I replied: "Because they can see in!"
"Who can?" asked my brother
"Ronald Reagan's spy satellites!" was my sleep-addled reply.

This might have been funnier had you been there.

My brother did better though - late one evening he was found in front of the telly, which was showing static, reciting the complete specifications of WW2 allied bombers. Pretty accurate too, I had time to check one of his books!

A shame all this too place years before small phone cams, some of this stuff would have been priceless on Youtube.
(corinoco is waiting for the revolution., Thu 23 Aug 2007, 6:46, Reply)

Sleep Driving...
As a long term lurker I guess this seems to be the best QOTW to lose my cherry.

Was working in one of the new European Union countries a few years ago working on some ATM software for a client; worked hard all weekend to get everything working and thought I deserved some reward on Sunday for all my efforts.

I had a few drinks in my hotel and then thought I needed some more action, I reckoned the best option was to ask the nice man at hotel reception if he new any clubs; I think something went wrong in translation because I ended up in a cab in the middle of nowhere at a deserted mansion.

Cabby pisses of and leaves me there (mistake number 1) so I walk up the sweeping steps to the imposing doors to be met by a bouncer type guy who advises that this might not be my sort of club, undaunted I pointed out the missing taxi and that I had made a great effort to arrive at said building.

Kind bouncer lets me in (mistake 2) inside the deserted mansion the place is swathed in plastic with a trestle table serving as a bar.

I spend some time chatting with the girl behind the bar and then she recommends that I might like to check out the room through the dark and scary looking plastic lined corridor (mistake 3)

The next thing I know I am jolted awake by the movement of the truck that I seem to be driving! no-one else in sight!

Somehow I find my way back to the centre of the city and being a bit smart think it would be bad to park in my hotel carpark, so I sneakily drive another mile and park in a shady spot at the side of the road.

Later that morning I give a blinding presentation and fly back to the UK, crapping myself all the time that I am in the airport - many cops roaming around.

Nest day I have to return to foreign lands so book different hotel; but curiosity gets the better of me to see if I had dreamt the whole thing, wanders up to where I left the truck - only in the carpark of a police station!

6 years later I am a bit more comfortable around foreign figures of authority!

Since then I rarely fall asleep for fear of what might happen...
(weegieboy, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 6:16, Reply)

not sleepwalking, but sleepsomething
not exactly sleepwalking, but doing odd things in my sleep happened more often than i'd like when i was younger... adventures include:

- a dream i had about finding my tv remote covered in dried vomit, so i nearly barfed myself. i ran to the sink to spit in an effort to get the puke taste out of my mouth; woke up spitting all over my pillow. not just a little spit, gobs and gobs of ropey, smelly spit.

- one early morning i dreamt that i was playing super mario brothers. apparently i was so into it that my mother found me laying in bed, voicing all the sound effects of level 1-1, including the fireworks after sliding down the flagpole.

- my mum finding me asleep once again, this time sitting down on the loo to wee at 4 in the morning, without putting the toilet lid up (she managed to get it up before i made contact). she followed me back to bed to make sure i was alright, where i proceeded to crawl under my covers, then sing and snap my fingers along to imaginary beach boy songs.

i think i get it from my dad, who has (not once, but twice) punched my mum in the gut in the middle of the night while dreaming he was actually punching a man who was giving her trouble.

my poor mother, she's probably scarred between the two of us.
( mayonessa, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 6:05, Reply)

My cousin
Whilst fast asleep, got out of his bed, walked down the hall and then down the stairs, opened the front door, walked down the road about 500 yards, opened the front door of a house (small country town, no one locked their doors), walked down the hall, entered the master bedroom and climbed into bed with a random couple.

He awoke in the morning at the same time as this woman who had her arms around him.

“You’re not my mum.”
“You’re not my son.”

And then they both started screaming. He gets up and pegs it out of the room but being a house he’d never been in before he couldn’t find the way out. He was running from room to room trying to find the front door whilst this woman kept screaming hysterically.

Eventually he made it out but he was pretty traumatised after that and found it very hard to sleep for weeks after.
(Creamy Discharge Freeze Motherstickers, this is a fuck up, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 5:21, Reply)

Reach for the stars!
According to my girlfriend, one night, whilst I was on some pretty strong prescription medication I kept my right arm pointed straight up in the air for an hour.
She hung a sock on my thumb.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 4:43, Reply)

Wardrobe
I am told by my parents, usually at family or social gatherings, that I sleep-walk-toileted into my wardrobe full of clean clothes. My defense is that the clothes were from C&A.
(Evilsquirrelboy, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 4:18, Reply)

My sister used to sleepwalk
and my Mum woke up one night and opened her eyes to find my sisters face two inches from hers with her eyes wide open. Creepy.
( Snollock Biffer I don't really sniff Bollocks, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 4:04, Reply)

The same girl
I was only present for the first of these, but they were both amazing moments.

A friend of ours had fallen asleep very early when a few of us were staying at a friends, drinking in that way teenagers do in a house which is only free for an evening. After a few hours, before the rest of us went to sleep, we chanted "get up at six and clean the kitchen" to her - without disturbing her as she was a heavy sleeper anyway. The next morning we woke up to a spotless kitchen and the same friend saying she'd got up really early and randomly decided to clean the kitchen - leaving the other rooms in the state they were in. We felt a little bad about tricking her into it like that, but it saved us a lot of effort.

Another time on a friend's houseboat she again fell asleep early (she was known for it) and the others chatted for a few hours. During a lull in conversation, she sat bolt upright with her eyes still shut and shouted (I'm told with hand motions) "Right - we'll try this again. Ready! Steady! GO!" and on GO fell right over into bed again, sound asleep.

For her, being asleep must be like a mad halucinagenic.
( Whillow, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 4:03, Reply)

i think i did
Well, I had this huge project for school and decided to stay up late. Well, not necessarily decided but I procrastinated as usual and ended up doing this 34 page project in one night... cool.
Anyway, in that whole span of time there is an hour for which I cannot account. I do know that i was in a different place in the house, dressed differently, and I was eating something. It was kinda weird, not going to lie.

The food was good.
(fisherOfApples123 -=destroyer of toilets=-, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 2:58, Reply)

My parents
are so horrible they stopped me from going online this last week, all because they were afraid I'd say something nasty about them on some random webpage.
(Heggy, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 2:49, Reply)

Slightly scary
This is a kind of mixture of sleepwalking/dreaming/not entirely sureness

A few weeks ago after a night out me n 2 mates came back to enjoy a lil J before going out separate ways. After all was done and finished with i went home. Now this is what i think MIGHT have happened..

In my drunken/tired/stoned haze, i think i opened my bottom window (sash windows mind), started to climb out of it, realised that there was nothing on the outside, and while climbing back in managed to badly bruise both my knees, and went into bed.

Now i dont know if i was actually sleep walking, dreamed the whole thing or what, but i was rather confused to find an open window in my room when i woke up.

14'long enough?
(front_2_back is further inland from the coast than anyone else, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 2:46, Reply)

Sleepwalking to college?
It was September 2000. It was a balmy late summer afternoon, and I had just come home from college.

It was also the time of the fuel protests at various oil depots around the country. My house at the time happened to be a few miles from an oil refinery and the main refinery route ran past my house.

Anyway, the college bus dropped me off at the bus stop just down from my house at about 4.30pm. As I said, it was a hot and humid afternoon and I was feeling knackered. I went into the house and flopped down on my bed. I vaguely remember changing out of my funky college clothes (I'm lying - I was a chubby little geek back then with a dark green Fila sweater and ill-fitting navy Reebok jogging bottoms. No style at all.), opening my bedroom windows to let some air in and getting into bed.

I awoke to a hell of a noise coming from outside my house. Horns tooting, sirens going, lots of revving etc. It was obviously the fuel protesters. I looked up at the clock on my wall and it notified me that it was five-to-eight. ARRGHH! I've slept 13 hours! I jumped out of bed, went straight into the shower, got dressed and by this time it was quarter-past-eight. None of my family were around - I guessed they were still sleeping. I succumbed to the fact that I'd probably missed the college bus and would have to get a lift off one of the folks.

I went into the living room and flicked on the TV. "ITV" came on. "Football?!" I quietly exclaimed to myself. "Where the hell is GMTV? Perhaps they're having technical difficulties or something". I went into my parents room. The bed was neatly made and no-one to be seen. Hmmm. This was getting strange.

At that moment another convoy of tooting lorries, tractors and vans went past my house. I went outside to watch the early morning festival of noise. I walked a little way down the road to a small gathering of my neighbours all watching the convoy. I went up to them and told them in a slightly panicky voice that I'd missed the college bus and I don't know where my folks were. Just at that moment, my mother comes round the corner with the dog. My mind couldn't work out why my parents and neighbours were behaving so oddly to me!

Then it finally dawned on me. It wasn't morning. It was still the same ****ing day, and I'd actually only been asleep for 3 hours!

I realised that it was around the time of the autumnal equinox. Therefore 8am didn't seem much different from 8pm in terms of daylight. That's what fooled my uncharacteristically slow brain!

I felt very stupid. Luckily my neighbours at the time were too wealthy and stupid to realise what an arse I made of myself.

Length? Far too long.
(munkii, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 2:40, Reply)

THEY'RE GONNA TASTE GREAT
THEY'RE GONNA TASTE GREAT
THEY'RE GONNA TASTE GREAT
THEY'RE GONNA TASTE GREAT
THEY'RE GONNA TASTE GREAT
THEY'RE GONNA TASTE GREAT
THEY'RE GONNA TASTE GREAT

How the fuck do you make yourself understand whats been going on when you wake up yourself by saying that?
(no friends Tasting your cake., Thu 23 Aug 2007, 2:13, Reply)

I used to go out with a beautiful young lady who...
... when we went out and got rather drunkety drunk used to wake up the following morning to find she'd done the washing and hung it out to dry. She was a real gem so she was but a bit too tidy to be a truly great match though.
(Error 404 - Username Unknown, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 1:40, Reply)

I don't sleepwalk,
but once woke up in a tent full of people, sat bolt upright and heard myself shout "Fucking Tesco's home insurance!" before collapsing.

One crazy night.
(THIRTY-TWO - Sputnik -, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 1:28, Reply)

Ouch
I was going to have an epic sleepwalking tale....but as far as I go sleepwalkin was to stand straight up into a dresser table causing me to split my lip, scream at the top of my lungs and wake up.

Never slept walked since.
(Ian_Ex_Machina Has nothing better to do, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 1:27, Reply)

Not exactly an epic journey
I've always been an extremely light sleeper, so I always wake up in the middle of whatever I was going to do in the middle of a sleepwalk. My roommate from when I was living in a dormitory would always awaken and notice me rummaging through his desk. Finally one night I woke to catch myself in the act, looked over my shoulder to see him watching me intently, and decided in my groggy state of mind "shit, he'll think I'm sleepwalking, better do something to make him think it was intentional" so I walked back across the room again and took a magazine from off the microwave, crawled into bed with it and pretended to read it.

#1. The magazine was upside down
#2. The room was pitch black. Not exactly convincing.

In the morning I woke to him exclaiming "dude, last night you cuddled with a Time magazine"
( AgentMuu hentai coordination, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 1:25, Reply)

My younger sister sleepwalks.
I sometimes work 'til quite late. It's slightly un-nerving to come home and see your sister sweeping the living room floor, or hoovering (without plugging the thing in, of course).

Myself, I don't sleepwalk. I talk in my sleep. And I don't mean the normal mumbles that everybody does; I've been known to have full-blown conversations, lasting up to three hours, in various languages, as I've been asleep.

Annoyingly, none of the people I ever sleep with ever tell me what it is I actually said in their language. Which leads me to suspect the very worst.
( Thinker, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 1:17, Reply)

When
staying at hotel as a kid we had one of those rooms with a door joining them. My brother, sister and I were in one one room, and my parents in the other.

My mum was sitting in bed reading while my dad was asleep. I walked in, stood at the end of the bed and said, 'What are we doing, and where are we going?' then my dad sat up and said, 'We're all living in separate cages'. He laid down again, and I went back to my bed.

It's a credit to how sensible my mum is that she wasn't freaked out in the slightest.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 1:13, Reply)

My mum
once sat straight up in bed with her eyes closed, pointed at the curtains and said "is that Jesus?".

She also refers to creches as "Uncle Gary's playpark".
( Maladicta, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 1:10, Reply)

Sleepwalking or selective memory
I promise you I remember nothing! Nothing!
I slept on my pull-out double bed last night this is important to the story (it's unusal I sleep on that bed which may have got me confused). Anyway I woke up this morning and Dad ask me if I knew what I did last night. I thought he was going to moan at me for leaving the front door open. How wrong I was.
At approx. 3am I had wandered into there room dropped my trousers and had a wee right by there bed. When asked what I was doing just said "don't worry it will all be over soon" I have never ever done anything like that before.
I didn't think I was that drunk last night so I tried to say I must have been sleepwalking and talking something I did at lot when I was younger. Dad then went "go look at the dog."
The poor beast someone had left the halloween make-up out and I had completely smothered him in the stuff.
I have no recollection of this either but was pretty impressed with my handywork.
Thinking back I remember almost nothing after having a drink of tequila in Opium. What did I do?
I dread to think what else I did last night and probably owe everyone an "I'm sorry"
I also woke up an hour late for work! Grr
I think I should stay home tonight.
(Dingo21 killing hippos on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 1:09, Reply)

i used to sleepwalk quite a lot
when i was a kid.

i let myself out one night and went for a walk down the high street at 3 a.m.
the police brought me back.

i dressed myself and went to school 4 hours early, asleep again. the headmaster brought me home and i got a day off school, so woo!

i went sleepwalking at my aunt's house. i set off all the alarms. pulled down the door of her oven, sat on it and had a piss. i didn't even wake up.

my brother once woke up with my arse hovering over his face. i'd gone for a piss in my sleep and mistaken his room for the bathroom.

i sleep with my eyes open, so people were often confused when i was sleepwalking.

i pissed in the toybox on the upstairs landing several times, apparently. we only realised this when the monopoly board started to reek.

my sister laughs in her sleep. not a normal laugh, a really slow, evil laugh. i used to throw things at her to wake her up. she freaked me out!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 0:55, Reply)

Now my sister...
I often wake up in the night in the room I share with her, to find her yelling at the pillow. Aparently the pillow is my brother Steven.

"Steven! Steven, get AWAY from my CHIPS!"

She doesn't even like chips.

My mum once had the pleasure of sharing a room with her and upon being awoken by thumping, discovered my sister again yelling at my brother, and pummeling the pillow in anger.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 0:52, Reply)

another mate
woke up in his mum and dads bedroom when they put the light on horrified to find him pissing into his Dad's slippers.

what impressed him most was that he hadn't missed and got any on the carpet at all. Quite a feat as he usually pissed all over the bathroom floor when aiming for the bog.

When he woke up he was unable to stop so had to carry on with his parents watching the piss overflow from one slipper so he moved to the next one to avoid getting it all over the carpet.
(brocky, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 0:43, Reply)