Little fucker
This always makes me giggle. The world famous solo artist and former Genisis member Phil Collins dumped his wife of ten years with a fax sent minutes before he went on stage. The message was " i want a divorce. you're slowley making me hate you."
Classic, i'd almost forgive him for the years he slowly made me hate music.
(jimpleton, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 16:30, Reply)

SMS saying:
"You are the Weakest Link, Goodbye."
( TechImp is trying to be nice (with great difficulty)., Fri 18 Jun 2004, 16:30, Reply)

As a matter of fact...
I've been on both sides of the table.

One gal I dated (met over the internet) I spent a weekend with at her house a few hours away from mine. Although there was not much to be said between us other than sweet nothings; the sex was quite fantastic. I left her house and came home and discovered a message on my machine, "Jason, I love you, I want us to have a baby." I dropped her like a bad habit.

And on the opposite side of the table, I dated a girl for four months and fell head over. A few weeks later, the sex stopped and affection stopped all at once. I asked her what the problem was, to which she replied "Jason, I've been seeing seven other men.. I really like you but I need to see all these other men." I asked her why the sex stopped.. her reply "I didn't want to hurt you." Ah, the irony!
(terron, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 16:24, Reply)

Sweet Jane
Watching her leave a nightclub, getting in to a dirty white van full of the oily, hairy bikers, one of whom she'd been flirting with all night.

With the soundtrack of my mates telling me how stupid I was for going out with her in the first place.

I stil think about the mad old damaged shag happy baggage sometimes.
(skitster, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 16:19, Reply)

Crazy Name, Crazy Lady
I came back to my student room to find my window had been smashed, my clothes slashed and anything that could be ripped up had been ripped up

To top things off nicely the words "you're so dumped honey love Nish xxx" had been triumphantly sprayed in two foot high letters across my wall

Such carnage is bad enough at the best of times, but even worse when the girl in question is not your girlfriend and had got the wrong fucking room. . .
(le renard, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 16:11, Reply)

calendar girl
I heard this about a local in the bar i work in and felt very sorry for him. One day whilst looking at calendar that he and his girlfriend shared in their house he noticed a rather strange entry. Monday the following week was marked as;

- leave kevin- move into new house

the poor bastard
(gentleben, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 16:03, Reply)

professional mother
I'm not sure if this strictly counts, but reading some of these stories has just reminded me of it so, bollocks I'm going to type it anyway.

I was in the Firestation in Bournemouth having an uncharacteristically lucky evening with the ladies. On the dance floor I had started on my second amerous conquest - a particularly short girl in an zebra top. The lights came up and we made to leave, her clutching to my side if not out of love, out of being too shitfaced to walk.

Outside, we waited for our respective groups of friends to turn up and I started a little idle banter. The conversation went like this

Me - "Are your friends getting their coats?"
Her - "Your Mum's a whore"
Me - "I'm sorry?"
Her - "Your Mum"
Me - "What?"
Her - "She's waiting for you"
Me - "..."
Her - "She's waiting for you on the street corner"

She then staggered off giggling.

On a plus side, I met a lovely girl called Laura straight after.

Oh come on, it was a kind of dumping. Plus I pulled three times... Three
( moonjam, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 16:00, Reply)

Son of God, still a tosser
Have had many many many men throughout my life. But one man changed all of that and made me feel special. Then he disappears. No note no nothing. Next thing I know he's gone on some sort of moral mission and got himself nailed to a bloody cross. If that's not bad enough his ghost goes and dumps me as well. AND to top it all all these punks go and write books about it. The shame. I don't know. I really pick them.
(Gerald the Curious Owl, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:54, Reply)

The Week Before My 21st
It was during the last world cup and after watching England beat Nigeria I got taken over to the local nightclub by these 2 girls that I'd only just met, one of them started saying some very filthy things to me and I ended up grabbing hold of her. Next day immediately rang my girlfriend of 2 and a half years and said we "needed a break." She didn't end up coming to my b/day party but filthy bird did and the rest is history.
Ex-Girlfriend and every single one of her mates then started an 18 month hate war towards me. Ended up speaking to her again and the weekend before she went travelling she stitched her mates up and came back to mine for "coffee."

I didn't apologise for my length that night and I'm not going to now.
(Joons, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:53, Reply)

Those pesky Frenchies...
And then there was the female friend who was studying in France for a year, having left the boyfriend (not me!) at home in Birmingham.

He decided to be romantic and pay an unannounced visit. He hitch-hiked all the way to central France, taking nearly two days to do it, arriving at her house at 8am one morning.

Her flatmate let him in, telling him that his girlfriend was still in bed.

He crept up the stairs and burst into her bedroom shouting "Surprise!".

Yes, the girlfriend was surprised.

But possibly not as surprised as the Frenchman who was in the process of doing her doggy-style at the time.

I can't remember who exactly dumped who. I think it may have been mutual...

Still, she was laughing her tits off when she told me about it!
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:52, Reply)

wait wait hold the press got a better one!
In was in study leave, i had been going out with this girl for 5 days, and one day I had to go to school for an exam and everyone else didnt, (i took woodwork all my friends did arty farty design) anyway, turned off my phone and handed it in didnt wanna be caught with it and be accused of cheating. Did my exam then when I left, and turned my phone back on I had a message the message it was from the girl and she was dumping me. I would be so happy if it stopped there. She had sent the message with some-one elses phone, so he knew before me that i was being dumped. And I later found out, she didnt know what to say so had got someone else to write the message.

And if anyone can beat get dumped in an exam by a gf that doesnt even say it herself or spend 10p on dumping you, then they deserve a medal!
(nigger kid, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:50, Reply)

back when i was stupid...
going out with a bloke (lets call him fuckface),got a call one night when he was at someone elses party-the call was from a biker friend,twatted off his face and giggling

"tee heee fuckface is eating the face off Maria"

maria is a disgustingly ugly,obese and worst of all -a frighteningly boring wannabe goth.

needless to say-i was slightly mortified.next morning i strolled into his workplace,punched him in the neck and screamed at him for a while in the form of "if you ever talk to me again i will rape and murder everyone you know and love"

he went out with said fat goth for a while,before cheating on her and making her attempt suicide
hahahaha
sorry for length
(minister of evil, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:50, Reply)

slow on the up take
after being with an ex for 3 years and being pissed about i finanly decided to dump him

in the run up to me leaving i manneged to move most of my clothes and belongings to a friends house..................you would think that after a while he would have got the idea of what was going on
but no
a pet hamster he asked what happend to the haster and was told it died and i gave the cage to a friend
and i aranged for my mum to meet me after work

the day i did this he was at his best frieds house
i had allready phoned them that day to ask them to keep him there untill well after i get home from work

i had also asked my mum to come to the flat and help move stuff.....mum has a car

so after a couple of hours of moving stuff we finnished and i went to a friends and stayed there untill my ex got back

at about 8 in the evening i got back to the flat and was receved with "we have been robbed"

i then had to point out it was only my stuff that had gone and i was leaving him

5 mins later when it had sunk in he then burst into tears and asked me to stay


to this day he has no idea that his friends were all trying to get me to move out
and his best friends helped the most in the split
(rose-a-lita, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:49, Reply)

Three Steps To Heaven
Step One: The subtle way of being dumped: February 14th 1992, no Valentine's card. I ask the girlfriend why. "Because I don't want to go out with you any more".

Step Two: The threatening but funny way of being dumped: August 1992, my girlfriend has failed her A-levels, doesn't make it into the Central School of Speech and Drama. My pep talk upsets her. I don't know why, maybe it was the reference to her being a "failed drama school student". Two days later, her kid brother (imagine Mr Puny-verse, but much younger and without the attitude) phones me up and threatens to break my legs if I ever go near her again. I don't remember the rest of the conversation, I was too busy pissing myself laughing.

Step Three: The Ohmigodi'mgettingoutofhere way of doing the dumping: December 1994: The girl I've been going out with for three (!) weeks tells me that she loves me, can't imagine her life without me, and that she pictures us still together in 40 years time. No, of course I wasn't scared! So I took the brave option and just stopped talking to her. She took the hint.
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:44, Reply)

i dunno if it beats that but
I was sat at home one evening watch some tv when my phone rang and I answered it:
'hello'
the voice on the phone said: "you know that girl your going out with?"
'yes'
"your not anymore" and hung up.

The funny thing was it turned out that he was my worst enemy from middle school and he had no idea it was me, and i had no idea it was him at the time.

but then i just laughed it off when i knew it was him because he used to have an obsession with wearing his clothes backwards so people would give him the nickname "backwards boy" (he loved it... poor strange child) and incase anybody wants to go laugh at him, his name is jamie anderson and he lives in stony stratford in milton keynes. ^_^
(nigger kid, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:39, Reply)

Lots of people hating their exes I see.
Not me, we're still good friends.
However... he dumped me by texting from a London airport as he was about to fly out, saying he was going to live in Peru permenantly from now on and that he had 'forgotten' to tell me in the months running up to his departure.
Need I say more?
( CaroWallis, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:32, Reply)

Dog Food
I started seeing a girl who had chased me all through college... she was such a sweet girl... wrote me poems etc... lovely... turns out in the cold light of day she was complete sex starved mental case...

She dumped me saying that during our time together, some other bloke she was shagging behind my back had pissed her off and that she was sick of men and therefore dumping me...

I then got my revenge by telling anyone that would listen that she had a minge that smelt like marrowbone jelly...
(I am the Nuns, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:29, Reply)

Oh dear, oh dear....
The worst time I was ever dumped was on my 14th birthday, back in secondary school. My girlfriend at the time wrote me a note saying something on the lines of: "It's not working out, I don't want to shag you, you're too dirty for me." So I, enraged by this, wrote her a note back, which went something along the lines of "Well fuck you you stupid whore, all I wanted was a suck. You are a boring bitch. At least you put some money in my birthday card. I hate you."

What I didn't count on was her telling everybody what was in the note, so my immensley short-sighted behaviour led me to be hated by almost all the girls, destroying my future chances with them.

The fucking cranberry.
(Flagrant Tendencies, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:25, Reply)

Message Confusion
Eventually finished with a girl after 18months, 6 of those were spent by myself attempting to, but failing to break up with her. After trying all methods and getting the guilt trip from the Gf, I decided to take action by pushing her away enough that she'll find someoe else. Finally, the day came. She'd been staying over and hadn't muttered more than a sentence for 24hrs, I decided to bite the bullet (again) and say its finished. Imagine my suprise when she says "yup, ok - I've actually met someone else", which provided me so much relief that I actually started a jig and jolly dance in front of her... As soon as she left I sent a text to a friend saying I finished finally with Gf and I free as a bird at last, only problem was, in my elation, I sent the ex the text instead of the friend (ouch).
It also didn't help that we'd booked a holiday together months previously, so had to see (and shag) her a few months afterwards.......
( -:Coop:-, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:14, Reply)

I invited my ex
round for some sympathy sex, and much to my consternation, she got it together with my dashing housemate.

In the light of this injustice, I clenched my fists and called upon God to let loose his wrath upon these two infidels.

He only bloody did, didn't He?

Not only did my housemate get scabies from her, but he also fell off a cliff while trying to impress her with a bit of free climbing. Broke both his legs. She also near-totalled his car while driving him around.

This was all a bit too much, and he dumped her after 3 weeks.

It was at this point, with tears of sympathy in my eyes, I unclenched my fists, and asked God to tone it down a bit.

Haven't heard too much from The Man Upstairs since, though.
( String Theory sometimes feeds the sparrows too, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:06, Reply)

...
I got dumped after 3 years for "being an arse". However, I was slightly entitled to be an arse because my dad had died recently but aparantly, I should have been over it by then. Still, she went out with some other bloke afterwards who shagged her and then buggered off and said he never liked her - he liked her best mate but was a bit desperate. She didn't like that needless to say and came back to me only to be told that I'd rather play on the motorway. I heard (in a rather abusive text message from her best friend) that she wasnt a happy bunny. Shame that. haha. :D
(petebaldwin, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 15:04, Reply)

Came home from Uni to go to a club with my the girl.
She wasn't chatting to me much really. I went up the stairs in the club to make a song request to the DJ, and upon coming down the stairs I see her and a big guy heavily snogging. I actually had to tap her on the shoulder to get her to move out of the way so I could get past.

Great. I guessed this was a hint, so I never spoke to her again.
( ArghZombies No longer has a Leaky QUIM, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 14:34, Reply)

dumped by dump
An ex of mine once shat on my pillow and left a note beside her steaming turd pile saying I was dumped.

I had to laugh.
(Smell eep!, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 14:23, Reply)

speed-relationships
Its not totally my fault, my mates put me up to it... but being the cruel, intollerable bastard that i was in primary school i though it was quite good fun to go up to the school bitch (nice boobs, not a bad lookin bird) and ask her out. after she said yes, it was met with the swift reply "good, coz you're dumped"

sweet.
(woobwoob, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 14:16, Reply)

St Audries School
A busy town centre pub many years ago.

Dumped by one of my then GF becca’s friends.

I had just bought a round came back to the table and was told very loudly in front of all and sundry including Stephanie Beacham's daughter (if memory serves me right) that I was dumped and that "She only agreed to go out with you because she was to embarrassed to say no" the cow.

Note. I was at college and she was in the 6th form nothing pervy like honest!!

Apparently the friend who did the dumping (very high opinion of her self) has grown a bit to fond of pastry for her own good had a host of kids by dif fathers blah blah.

becca moved to Scotland.
(bblac didnt get the new job booo rotten bastards, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 14:00, Reply)

First love ???
I was dumped by first b/f right after stupendous gig at Crystal Palace to see Peter Gabriel summer '81. Came back to having failed maths Higher. Wrote b/f a "can we still be friends" letter putting a cartoon of a clapperboard saying "take 23" at the top as I wrote and re-wrote the letter umpteen times. Ah, the embarrassing innocence of youth ;)
Still dumped, he writes back "Take a hike!" with all the explanation of why I was such a shit girlfriend, mostly that I wouldn't put out, wasn't ready...which I receive the morning of the maths re-sit. Spectacular failure ensues. Pure teenage depression too.
Two weeks or so later travelling on a train I hear two guys from school talking about said ex and how he had gone to France for a holiday, losing his virginity to some local bint who gave him a dose.

Huge smiles. Who says there ain't justice?
Now married 13 wonderful years with fantastic guy, got three kids and have a great life. The best revenge is to live well.
(Serendipity Long time, No see., Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:57, Reply)

First ever girlfriend
I was 12, she was 11. Strange girl, wouldn't do anything with me until after I'd done whatever it was with her rather attractive mate Penny first. Not that I had any problems with this condition of our relationship...anyway...

Sitting home watching TV, about a month in, and she comes storming through the back door, screams "You fucking cheating wanker - you are so fucking dumped" before storming out the front door. 30 seconds later, she storms back in the back door and say "And I don't mean with fucking Penny either" before again storming off through the front door

Having not the first idea what the fuck she was on about, I sat with a slightly bewildered look for about 30 seconds before shrugging my shoulders and going back to the TV.

About 5 minutes later, Penny comes in the back door, a lot calmer than my apparently-now-ex.

"Is it true?"
"Is what true?"
"That you've been shagging some other girl"
"Not as far as I'm aware"

I don't really remember how the conversation progressed from this point, but it did end up with me losing my virginity to my new ex's best mate.

I've never had a dump since that matched up to that one :-)
(bblgoose, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:55, Reply)

Cleared her out
Missus of 8 yrs tells me she has met some builder (hhmmm business manager Vs Builder definately an improvement for her!) for the last six months I've been secretely stashing cash away to dump her, move out and be reborn in a new town.

Next day she's at work, thinking I'm at work and preparing for the breakup discussion that evening... meanwhile ..... me and the boys are loading up two 3 ton trucks with the entire contents of her rented house. She came home to a totally stripped house (we even took the light switches and fittings).

Me dissappeared off the face of the earth, changed fone numbers, moved to a new town etc. etc. still laff like a drain about it even now.

That'll teach you beatch, to dump me before I dump you.. ha ha!
(lastingdamage, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:52, Reply)

parties, eh?
I had a boyfriend dump me about 1/2 hour after we got to a friend's party. He then went home, and rang some 17 yr old from work, and proceeded to go out for the evening with her instead!
I sat at said party getting very drunk, and talking about how all men are bastards to a poor man sitting next to me.
the poor man in question ended up being really wonderful, and we have now been together 6 yrs...

sorry - Not very spectacular

I remember a lecturer at uni telling us the best way to split up with your girlfriend is to go somewhere crowded and shout 'Stand up if you've got a boyfriend!' and then say to girlf, 'No, not you love, sit down' which I think is rather cruel, but probably effective...
(lard-tastic, Fri 18 Jun 2004, 13:51, Reply)