A former member of staff here
who has recently retired, had a "theory of acquisition". His idea was, if someone left something desirable (say a chair, filing cabinet or whatever), lying in a corridor or somewhere else public, he would make a note of the date. Then after four weeks had passed, if the item was still there, he'd relocate it into his office.

After another four weeks, if no-one had claimed it or asked after it, he reckoned it was his.

I have since used this theory to justify my acquisition of many items, including the rather fine, large whiteboard which now graces my office wall.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 12:11, 9 replies)

Spanish Weddings
you don't need to know the details. Suffice to say a couple of lovely ladies come round at the end of the meal with one of those things you wear round your kneck when selling ice cream at the front of the pictures just before the film starts (ask your parents), only they are full of fags and cigars. To go with the port apparantly, not to take home.

Spanish Weddings, never turn one down unless it's yours of course.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 11:59, Reply)

i think the best freebie in the world
is wanking and i abuse that to much to point of blisters on my hand
(branflakes, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 11:56, 3 replies)

Right...
On the bus this morning I heard three members of the insect Order Hymenoptera chatting to one another.

The first said "I've just come back from STINGapore!"
The second said: "Its SWARM there, isn't it?"
And the third replied "Yes, but the atmosphere is BUZZING!!"

Now tell me, were they not an
AMUSING THREE BEES?!!!
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 11:56, 6 replies)

My God! What is that man doing to his arse?
A friend of mine firmly believes that anyone who abuses freebies gets what they deserve. And thus, his flat has an interesting little wireless setup. From the outside, it looks perfectly normal. You can see it publicly, connect and log in. Anyone can do this, it's free for all.

He is not quite so virtuous as you think. Anyone who connects to our wireless can browse the internet freely. Surf any webpage they desire. This assumes their computer is on the allowed list. Those who log onto the wireless with their computer not on the list get full wifi too. Except for the minor detail of every single image downloaded being replaced with a random shock site image (goatse, tubgirl, hai2u etc), and every single word on a html document being replaced with a swearword. I think he's even got plans to try and detect any kind of streaming video, and replace it with 2 girls 1 cup, though he's not implemented it yet.

(just a warning, don't go looking for any of the above shock sites unless you're really sure, especially the video one)

Just one of the many benefits of living with a computer geek
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 11:54, 3 replies)

Apprentice alcohol story #1
There were 10 of us. aged 18-19
There was the company who hired us, a cash cow for us to milk
There was the Manager who seemed to fancy one of the blokes. (secretly of course as the manager was a he)
The words "Team Building" were thrown around a few times.
There was a check issued.
There was a small basket of food...
and a Huuuuuugeeeee trolley of booze.

what is there now?
We are banned from that training college as there are vomit stains on the floor, a broken fridges, missing pool balls and a cum stain on the college flag.
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 11:51, 1 reply)

Vegas, baby!
a mate and i were doing a road trip through the states in a van. though we were on a budget we decided while we were in vegas to get a room in the tropicana. the rooms were pretty cheap anyway, as they really want you there to gamble. We discovered that many of the casinos have all you can eat buffets, filled with fat yanks in hawaiian shorts gorging themselves. Tropicana for breakfast, Circus Circus for lunch, etc. To recover some of our outlay, we thought what a great idea to stock up on food for the next few weeks. We were still working our way through the drugs we'd bought in san francisco trying to re-create a Hunter S thompson kind of thing, and I was starting to get bad paranioa believing i was being constantly filmed. not entirely unjustified as we were in a casino and the drug laws in Nevada are particularly harsh. Nevertheless, we would take a seat at these buffets each carrying a full size backpack and duffel bag, and proceed to fill them up in multiple trips empting our plates into them under the table every go around. In hindsight, we probably over-estimated the time it takes for 40 chicken drumsticks, half a duffel bag full of pizza slices, and 5 supermarket bags of caesar salad to begin to putrify.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 11:31, Reply)

Conference freebies
Conference trips are always good for freebies, from people giving them out at their stands etc, but one in particular stands out as it was in effect a whole free week.

I'll cut out the details, but suffice to say my mate and I got 6 nights in a 4 star hotel in a posh bit of Athens, free food and copious drink, views of tits on the beach every day as a bonus, and managed to accidentally (ahem) inflate our expenses claim so that we included our duty free purchases on it and made £30 profit each.

The best bit though was that when we got to Heathrow, we discovered the flights to Athens had been upgraded to business class. So we were sat there in jeans and t-shirts trying not to look impressed when the champagne appeared. Better still was meeting a bloke at the conference who had booked the same flights, but independently of the conference organisers, which had cost his company more and he ended up in cattle class.

Having landed at Heathrow on the return journey, we caught sight of him struggling to get his bag out of the overhead locker while we strolled off the plane at our leisure, with an Olympic airlines steward holding back the seething masses at the back until we had disembarked.

We made eye contact and waved cheerily!

_{There are many more details of this trip, but that's for another time.}
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 11:30, Reply)

The best freebies in life are ...eeee free ! :)
Back in the day when i was an undergraduate i studied industrial biotechnology as part of my degree, an element of this included a trip to the Gales brewery in horndean, we got shown around the brewery by a big fat bloke who looked like he took full advantage of the product under his nose, each and ever step of the process was explained in agonising scientific detail.

We has been walking round the place for a good 2 hours and just when i lost the will to like the fat bloke say
"and the final stop is the tasting room"..

That woke me up

"there are rules" says the fat man

"you can only drink half pints in here"...

"BOOOOOOOOOOO" was the response from us

"but you can have as many as you want"...

"HOOORAAAAY"

we spent another 2 hours in the tasting room and got completely fooked, just when we thought it couldnt get any better the guy asked us if we would like to sample the range of fortified country wines they made... DUUUHHH

our lecturer got face on as he was driving and the only one sober
(Ickypimp, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 11:23, 1 reply)

Did he go too far?
A lot is being made of the recent “difficulties” in broadcasting, you know the sort of thing. Dishonesty, stealing punters money, and Natasha Kaplinsky being run by the Jim Henson workshop to name but a few.

One thing that has never come to light is my friend, or Captain Blag as he became known. He had no shame at all.

CB and his girlfriend had a first class ticket to London, a couple of nights in a swanky and may I say, posh Hotel, and some tickets to a previously sold out show all in the name of “a feature about a weekend away” he interviewed all the people involved (bloke from train company, manager of the hotel, minor actor in the show) using a mini-disk player with nothing in it… I asked him why he didn’t just record them for the hell of it and he said it was more fun knowing that there was nothing in there.

So CB and his lady decided to troll off to Australia for their hols, and did CB leave his fake recording ways in this country? Did he bum! Which is why there was a night in a place overlooking that bridge thing in Sydney and… AND… an appearance at the Australian Premier of that summers big movie. The thing is he just wanted tickets to the movie, so when he was given the pair they just turned up in their jeans and t-shirts and looked a touch out of place on an actual red fucking carpet! Apparently some people asked for his autograph… well he was on the carpet so he must be famous.

He stopped it shortly afterwards knowing that the next blag would just be one blag too far.
(rockers74 killed a man in Reno just to watch him die., Fri 9 Nov 2007, 11:16, 3 replies)

Cinema abuse
Years back when I used to work for a local computer store we took part in advertising with the cinema. As part of the deal, alongside having a photo of the store and some crap local advert stuck on before each film we also got given a free pass to admit one party per film. This pass was infinately re-usable, so a group of us would regularly go down the mutliscreen cinema and work our way through the movies.

We went to every movie imaginable (chick flicks included) and made complete prats of ourselves, hurling abuse and popcorn at each other or having M&M races down the aisles.

We finally got bored of the freebie stint though when we watched "Dracula; Dead and Loving it" one saturday afternoon. I don't go to the cinema anymore after watching that.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 11:14, Reply)

Beer glasses
Not sure if this is freebie abuse or plain theft but here we go...

Back in my hazy teenage drinking days I would regularly hit the town on a Friday night, as is the tradition. One night I was wearing a particularly baggy pair of trousers with very deep pockets, and fleece with one of those "unipockets" at the front.

After a few hours and a few more boozes, I started thinking it would be a good idea to see how many pint glasses I could stash in my combined pockets. I was sliding every glass that I or my mates finished drinking from into one of my many capacious pockets and then moving on tt the next bar.

After about an hour and a half I was laden down with pint glasses, shot glasses and tumblers and it was difficult to walk without making a lot of noise. To get to the next bar, I had to pass a couple of coppers, so I thrust hands in pockets and held everything tight to minimise the sounds I might generate. Looking as innocent as possible I sauntered past and just as I went by the second copper..."clink"...

"what you got in your pockets son?"

Bollocks.

I had to stand in the street and empty out 22 pint glasses, 4 tumblers and 20 shot glasses from my various pockets into the arms of one copper while the other asked me what I thought I was doing....

"I found them in the car park officer, I was just taking them back to the pub..."
( BlueHaze Chutney. All good., Fri 9 Nov 2007, 11:09, 2 replies)

Almost bindun
If you release apians from captivity, they develop a much improved sense of humour. Tell them anything and they'll laugh like fuzzy yellow-and-black drains.

And that is how you amuse free bees.



Oh - aBusing, you say?

Coat.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 11:07, 5 replies)

Smoke free area
Back in the days, when I smoked we worked out a free ciggie scam. In the summer we'd be drinking outside the bars of the Arcadian "entertainment" area of Brum. Sometimes you'd get girls from Marlboro (not Middlesbrough) coming around with a promotion. It went like this;

MG: Do you smoke?
Me: Yes
MG: Which brand?
Me: Royals (I was poor)
MG: Would you like to swap your pack and it's contents for a brand new pack of Marlboro Reds, Mediums or Lights?
Me: Why yes please, that would be lovely.

Especially as when I saw her coming I'd stuffed all but one of my ciggies into my jacket pockets.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 10:48, 2 replies)

Blagging the rider
Several years ago, I was playing a gig (DJing) at a festival in New Orleans. I was one of 3 DJs headlining the night. The organiser was kind enough to give us a free tab at the bar as he was very happy with how things were going.

Now the only problem with a free tab while you're playing is you can't actually get there to use it. And the night was becoming quite mad, often with two of us playing off each other at the same time. So we got a couple of people to help us, doing bar runs and so forth - after introducing them to the bar staff, they got put on the tab too. So they brought us a bunch of drinks, had a couple for themselves... soon they were pretty paralytic too, so they needed to get people to bring THEM drinks...

In the end, apparently, the bar tab totalled 160 drinks for about $1000 - quite impressive for 3 DJs. I'm pretty sure no more than 12 people were involved in total, making it a prodigious amount of alcohol drunk (and they don't mix them light there, either). Still, the other 1000 people at the event were also drinking like mad, so I'm sure the promoter ended up on the night :)
( fross Read your email on, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 10:45, Reply)

I went to the Mid-Devon show and abused the free bees
Long story short, they put me on the sex offenders register and I'm banned from working with insects for life.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 10:45, 1 reply)

OK, so maybe it was free, but it was damn hard work...
Some nightclub in Dumfries (don't ask), late 1990s.

Budweiser promotion. For every Bud purchased, you got a voucher. For every 10 vouchers, you get a free Budweiser long-sleeved T-shirt (surprisingly decent quality). There was 5 of us - including my missus who doesn't even drink Bud - so there was only 4 of us actually drinking the stuff.

After much quaffing of Buds, pinching of vouchers from the bar, and scrounging vouchers off other punters and the bar staff, we had a T-shirt each, with 2 to spare.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 9 Nov 2007, 10:32, 3 replies)

OnDigital
Ever wondered why OnDigital went out of business? Probably down to them sending me a new digibox every week. Every *feckin* week a courier would arrive with another box - didn't want to take the others back... just wanted me to sign for this weeks particular model.

Aparently I had requested a replacement box early on in my subscription, and the request got lodged in their buggy customer service software. I phoned, I emailed but repeated promises to fix the order went unforfilled - at one point I had 10 of the buggers, unopened, sitting at home.

Made nice freebies for the family that Christmas though.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 10:31, Reply)

"Freebees"
Back in the good old days when you could smoke in the pub quite a few of them in Dundee had the free ash trays that could be found just lying around on tables for anyone to take finding their way back to my flat (About half came from the nightclub I worked in at the time). Two of us lived there. We had a an ash tray for every room (including the toilet) and enough for 6 guests to have their own too.

Also finding their way into our flat was a free "private" road sign from a "private parking - no entry" sign. 2 police traffic cones (great for putting in my mate's parking space when we went to Asda to ensure a place to put the car upon return) and a flashing hazard light of the variety that is hung on road works barriers.
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 10:26, 4 replies)

D-Link Offer
A few years back, D-Link were offering a free usb FM radio with every 5 pack of network cards. Somewhere in the small print it said something along the lines of "1 per order". We bulk ordered the cards...

...and ended up with 30 of the bloody things! (obviously someone can't read) My boss didn't want anything to do with them, so one by one I flogged them on ebay for 9.99 each...

Which was nice sum to spend on much falling down juice.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 10:20, Reply)

Theatre
I worked for a long time - 12 years, on and off - behind the bar at my local theatre (the New Vic in Newcastle) until I moved to Manchester. However, I still go there on occasion, becasue it's only about an hour's drive away and because I have a soft spot for it. (A very good version of "Blue/Orange" on at the moment, if you're quick...)

They still let me in for free. Not remotely funny, I know - but I find it unaccountably touching. Ahhhhh!

Normal cynical service will be resumed soon.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 9:57, 1 reply)

Suppliers Fair 2007
Earlier this year I spent a good hour sidling up to exhibitors at our suppliers fair and managed to come away with a huge amount of tat. However I was so proud of my haul I noted them down with the determination to do even better next year. Here's what I got.

One tin of sweets (gummy bears)
One white mug
One rape alarm
One calculator
One triangular three tipped highlighter
Seven pens (various)
One ruler
One screwdriver
One keyring
One lanyard
One toy dog wearing mortar board
Two reusable cloth bags
Two mouse mats
Two coasters
Five pads of paper
Two desk calendars and four business cards.

Considering I don't have the buying power to order a toilet roll in my organisation, I think I managed rather well.

Next year I'm hoping for at least a USB memory stick, some glassware and enough pens to last me another 12 months.
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 9:57, 6 replies)

Royal P*ssup!
Anyone here old or sad enough to remember the Royal It's a Knockout competition?
Late 80s (probably) held at Alton Towers. Anyway. I played in a trio doing elizabethan music (in costume with authentic instruments & stuff) and we were booked for the aforementioned event. The night before we played around the tables at a banquet for all those taking part. On the day itself we were the warm-up act for the warm-up act (I think it was th Wurzels or something equally naff) so we were finished really early and retired to the hospitality tent. Here the three of us heroically drank our way through most of a case of vintage (not the really good stuff, of course) Bolly.
Don't really know why I posted this - makes me look a bit of a p*sshead! Heaven forbid.
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 9:50, 1 reply)

never leave the stand unattended
I went to a seminar in Birmingham last week, held by a major software company. In one of the halls were stands for other vendors pushing their related products.

The IBM stand was unmanned, but covered in freebies. I accidentally bumped into one corner of the stand and all the little FM Radio thingies fell into my bag, and the stress balls, and the pot full of nice pens too.

It's amazing what you can sell on e-bay :)
(mad-dog slept with your sister on, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 9:39, 1 reply)

Shit! How could I forget Microsoft events...
I went to TechED once in Amsterdam, it was the first time I had been abroad, let alone to a "technical" event. We were showing off our latest product and I wasn't quite sure what to expect... the sort of thing I had in mind...

Talking to hundreds of random people about our product and repeating the same shit over and over again.

Sound about right? No fucking way, the event costs somewhere in the region of £1000 per person, and all the fuckers do is walk around to anywhere that you can get something for free and stuff it into their Microsoft branded ruck sack. They do this for like 3 days, and when they aren't in the event scabbing free stuff they are stuffing their faces in the free canteen or walking around the city with "mug me, I'm a really stupid tourist" written all over their Microsoft branded tshirts.

One company even started giving iPods away! Fucking iPods! Do you think I got close enough to get one? No chance, I would have been crushed to death in the attempt.

Needless to say I hardly talked to a soul as we weren't giving away anything for free, noone gave 2 shits, let alone a minute of their time. The only people that did venture over were geeky nerds that were trying to hit on the stunning show girl that I was sitting talking to about drugs the entire time!

If your company want to send you on one of these shows, take a massive ruck sack with you because you will need it!
( Firkinfedup last shat on your wife's tits at, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 9:26, Reply)

Rome c.1988
My dad was attending a conference in Rome and took me along with him. I was but 16 and at that stage where even a cartoon would get my hormones bubbling, so when I saw the elegant girls of Roma in their tight sweaters and short skirts, I was perpetually priapic.

One evening, I was sitting in the hotel lobby perving at an Italian magazine (which seemed to be something like Newsweek, but with more bikinis) when I noticed a woman sitting opposite me weeping silently. I say woman - she was probably 21 and looked very sophisticated.

She was also gorgeous. Think Monica Bellucci in a black suit and white shirt with one too many buttons undone. She smelled of expensive perfume and had a lot of leg showing through a deep slit in her pencil skirt. My teenage boner was straining at my shorts within seconds.

Being the chivalrous kind, I went to the cafe, ordered an espresso and took it to her with a lame expression of consolation. She smiled through her tears and touched my arm with slender, red-nailed fingers, muttering something that sounded like gratitude. It might as well have been an electric shock. She dabbed away the tears with a tissue and appraised me.

Did she see the rigid cock twitching at my fly? Was it that that made her stand, take my hand and lead me up to room 304 where she closed the door behind us? By now I was having palpitations and my cock was like granite. She started to strip, taking off each item until she stood there in stockings, g-string and bra. Her body was what I'd been dreaming of for the last few years. Then she undressed me as we stood beside the bed.

She sat on the edge of the bed and regarded my swollen weapon. She squeezed it with those delicate hands and made a few preparatory strokes so that a bead of pre-cum glistened at the tip. Smiling, she applied the tip of her tongue to the bead and I watched with goggling eyes as that silvered filament stretched between my dong and her mouth. She wound it around her tongue while maintaining eye contact. I was going to come any second just from looking at it, but she seemed to know as much and took me full in her hot mouth, sucking and tonguing as I gushed forth across her tonsils.

Then she lay back on the bed, slipped out of her bra (gah!) and motioned for me to pull down her pants. With trembling hands, I did so. And beheld my first shaved lady parts. Remembering what I had read in numerous smut mags, I applied myself busily to her clit and lapped away as she writhed her hips.

Then she grabbed my hair and implored me - so I understood - to plunge my still rigid weapon deep into her molten wetness. I did, and felt the muscles there sucking at my bell as I thrust frenziedly, staring with amazement at the motion her perfect tits.

Well, it went on for a while longer, including a variety of positions and then I left her sleeping to return to the lobby, where my dad was supposed to meet me. Presently, he arrived and I asked him: "Dad, have you ever seen that dark haired girl who sometimes sits in the lobby here?"

"Ha! Don't have anything to do with her, son! She's a high class pro who services the ultra-rich. £500 a time, I've heard."

My throbbing dong and depleted nuts glowed with the satisfaction of a freebie well earned.
(frankspencer, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 9:21, 10 replies)

Natural History Museum
Whilst contracting at a bank in London, all the staff in our division were treated to a night out with dinner, entertainments and a few glasses of wine. All this was to take place in the lovely surroundings of the Earth Galleries at the Natural History Museum.

In preparation for the evening, like several other colleagues, I went to the bar next door to the bank to enjoy a quiet drink or two (or seven) and take advantage of the two for one offer for happy hour. An hour later, we grab a taxi across to Kensington.

On arrival at the museum, we are shown upstairs to a reception area where glasses of champagne are being handed round and re-filled on a regualr basis. Being a smoker, I had to go back down stairs for a cigarette and, once finished, back up and through the recption area, where I took advantage of the free champagne again.

Dinner was a four course affair, with wines with each course. The food was lovely, if a little small, but that was made up for in the wine that was very good and very plentiful.

Nothing out of the ordinary so far. Unfortunately, the excessive amounts of alcohol had taken their toll by now, and seven beers, six glasses of champagne and two or three bottles of wine began to kick in. To which end, I was later informed, I did the following;

- Heckled the entertainment
- Shouted obscenities at colleagues on my table
- Went to a table where friends were sat and told the senior managers sat with them they were a "bunch of c*nts"
- Sparked up a very large cigar in the, definitely, no smoking part of the museum
- When advised by the nice security man that it was time to leave, told him "I was going anyway, this place is sh*t"

I navigated home by beer compass to be met at the station by the ex-wife looking less than pleased. I was supposed to be back "not too late and not too drunk", oops.

Still, there were worse casualties, with first prize, as far as I'm concerned, to my mate Neil. Along with several others, he went to a club after the works do. Feeling a little queasy, he went to find somewhere to be ill, but after seeing a colleague thrown out for being sick in a corner, decided that the best bet was not to get any vomit on the floor, so decided to throw up all down the front of his shirt and suit. Top job Raffers.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 9:17, Reply)

According to a previous employer
These were the 'freebies' I and the other drones in the company were abusing.

1. Using company time to open our bowels.
2. Using company toilet paper to clean said movements from our persons after performing 1.
3. Drinking too much free tea and coffee. Apparently 2 cups a day was seen as adequate, the 6-7 I was drinking was pure avarice.
4. Using our allotted lunchbreak to have lunch. It would seem that offering an hour off in the middle of the day was simply a gesture, which we were not meant to take seriously.
5. The employee rest area (a few chairs and a table in an ex-janitorial closet) was apparently also for show or for rests that didnt last longer than 5 minutes.

One employee decided to get the better of the 'rules' regarding coffee consumption and availed himself of a mug which held a similar quantity to a domestic fish tank.
(Vic Flange, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 9:14, 5 replies)

Not technically free
more liberated from an unscrupulous boss at the time. Every member of staff had something away and that was down to a number of reasons, firstly his alcoholic paranoid schizophrenic wife, and his general tight arsed persona.

I had 2 pair of Linn Interconnect cables away, about £80 worth. That was pretty tame compared to one of the other guys who had a huge Barco projector for his living room!

Moral of the story, pay your staff properly or they will increase their jobs values via the liberation of company property. Bastard...

(By the way, this guy was so tight, he selotaped his £10 jacket up rather than buying a new one, and yes, he is seriously minted.)
( Firkinfedup last shat on your wife's tits at, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 9:11, Reply)

Blatant Theft.
When on the piss one night in Birmingham myself and a few friends stumbled upon a lively bar on the out skirts. (The name of which I would tell you but I can't remember this, or its location) Whilst drunkenly dancing and conoodling with other equally drunk female patrons we "found ourselfs"** into a function room a little down the way from the gents toilets. Within said function room was contained a fully fledged bar, complete with optics and stocked bar. In order not to be a obvious we didn't stay in the bar. Instead everytime we wanted a drink we would walk to the toilet with our glasses, and then hay presto! A Quadruple barcardi and coke with a Carling Chaser! In my defence, the place made plenty of money from all of the underage chavs that could be found drinking and smoking in the shadows, so in a way, a public service we performed. No need to thank us, just doing our jobs.

**Broke into
(rhyddman, Fri 9 Nov 2007, 9:09, Reply)