Not me but my family....
My Dad has been...
Bitten by shark (not too badly, only a few stitches required)
Stung by Rabbit Fish (one of most poisonous fish on earth, 2 weeks in hospital on morphine lucky bugger)
Stung by Butterfly Fish (as above, but make it one week on the morph)

Brother Number 1
Mauled by a Blue Heeler dog when walking back from shops (huge bite mark on calf, couple of stitches)

Brother Number 2
Stung by a Redback Spider (toughed it out for a few hours before being hospitalised and given anti-venome)

Apart from that we're a pretty lucky family really!
(firesnake, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:29, Reply)

fcuk a dcuk
When I was three, my parents took me to the local Waterworks to feed the ducks and ducklings and the swans.

I was desperately trying to get some bread to a poor, bedraggled duck-runt but a big swan kept getting the way. I was yelling at it to "Go 'WAY!" but it wasn't exactly listening.

So I punched it right in the face.

My mum completely freaked and picked me up and ran away (swans are notoriously nasty pieces of work and it hissed and spread it's wings) and my dad couldn't move for laughing at the way the swan's neck had rippled and it's head had whipped round. Then he remembered some archaic law about swans being the property of the Queen and he legged it too.

First post and being a lady, no apologies for depth.
(posthumous mince is tiptoeing through the tulips, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:28, Reply)

Harmless name for a vicious beast
Age: 12
Location: Ocean Reef, Perth, West Oz
Situation: what else would I be doing except minding my own business having a swim in the crystal blue water?
The Attack: an malevolent and abhorrent creature known as the bastard jellyfish swims its spineless form and tentacles of pain all the way INSIDE my one-piece swimsuit. I get the sting, feel the fury, reach in and pull the fucker out and throw it as far away as possible. Not only did my pre-pubescent breasts get the bejesus poisoned out of them by that slippery bastard but my hand and forearm also took a few hits for the team along the way.

And I thought jelly was supposed to be sweet 'n' yummy and great with icecream.

Edit: I have to agree with Minty Hit that the jellyfish is one of the greatest pains I have ever received, behind watching the first 5 minutes of Celebrity Love Island
(firesnake, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:13, Reply)

my cat...
...is an evil, man eating, sadistic, terrible monster. two weeks ago, he woke me up at 7:30 in the morning, yelling loudly. i got up to give him food and then put him outside so i could go back to sleep. after he had eaten his fill, i picked up to put him outside when suddenly he lashed out and attacked my face with his claws out. one of his sharp claws got stuck in my cheek and he couldn't get it out. so there i was, running around in my kitchen, screaming like a lady, with my cat hissing and screeching, his claw stuck in my face. not being able to bear the pain any longer i took his paw and violently pulled in away from my cheek. the cat was fine and ran off while i on the hand was not; my face bled for an hour and a half. i just took the bandage off yesterday.

i hate my cat.
(Pants Chasing Pants is going to make you all so beautiful on, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:11, Reply)

Covered in bees!
My dad used to keep bees. One day, while transporting a hive in the back of his van, the top of the hive dislodged as we went over a rut in the field. 1 minute later we're running like fuck as 10,000 really pissed off bees make a bid for freedom. Sadly, Izzard had not yet been invented so I was denied the opportunity to use the line "Help! I'm covered in beeeeeees!"

I also have a fear of cows. It comes from my younger days when I was forced to go on walking weekends with my parents. Being of short stature it's actually quite frightening at that age to be stood in a field surrounded by shifty-lookin cows. They're sinister fuckers I tells thee!
(Mr. Partyhat, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:10, Reply)

never ever...
...have a stare-down contest with a cow.
I was crossing a field walking my dog, when I noticed a cow watching me walk by. I stared at the cow, then stopped to stare. neither of us would look away. After about 3 minutes, the cow looked away and turned back to eating. I was pleased I had won a stare-down with a cow.

until we were walking back, upon when it decided that chasing my dog would be it's revenge for losing our competition. Then, realizing the dog was too fast (she's part greyhound), it decided it should chase me all along the path until I reached a fence, which it almost slammed into.

damn cows.
(rainmaker is 98% lurker., Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:07, Reply)

Naughty Monkeys
On holiday at Yorkshire's premiere theme park/zoo combo, Flamingoland as a nipper and spent an enjoyable hour watching the orang-utans attack anyone crazy enough to walk within ten feet of their cage. The catch... they were shitting into their hands and flinging it with remarkable accuracy at passers by. What impressed me most though was not their turd lobbing skills, but the fact that these simian sharpshooters could crap on demand whenever more ammunition was required.
(fifthcolumn, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 16:05, Reply)

swan
I got attacked by a swan. I was on a canoeing weekend (I was never going to admit that to anyone…) in Wales last year. Minding my own business, paddling along (quite a way ahead of everyone else cos they were pissing about), and there it was. Paddled straight past it as we were told, so I could get out of its territory but it obviously didn’t like me at all…next thing I knew it was flying at my head! I was very, very scared. Anyone who tells you swans aren’t the most frightening thing ever is lying. I had nowhere to go, middle of a very deep river with a MONSTER flying at me. Lucky for my skull the swan didn’t want to hurt me, just to scare me, so it swerved at the last moment. It did proceed to do this twice more though. This swan must have had the biggest territory ever cos I was paddling like crazy for about 10 minutes to try and get away from the thing. It finally left me alone but has left me emotionally scarred. I used to think they were beautiful but now whenever I see one I see the devil.
(hmm., Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:53, Reply)

I think it was envious of my spicegirls top
One day, when i was about 8, and sadly.... i had a new spice girls top on my mother bought me, it even had my name on the back!.... i was on the local park near my house playing on the swings like a good 8 yearold boy. There was this big friendly looking alsation come walking past. Trust me to have the awsome timing and procide to kickit full swing in the face! the thing went ape s**t! it ran to the side of me, jumped up and RIPPED! my shiny new spice girls top, in fear i jumped up n somehow landed on the swing with my feet, stood up prociding to wack the dog again as it ran into the moving swing! stupid dog.... after some bigger boys chased the dog away, i cried all the way home, and sadly, my full name was on the back, and now i have reminissed this story im rather embarrased, they all wer shouting my name!

Im now into metal and like bands like lamb of god, chimira and slipknot. I still wer tshirts the tshirts

no apoligies for girth, and the 230 spelling mistakes
(Dark-Angel, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:51, Reply)

Everyone who has a cat...
...will have experienced that moment when your cat turns in to a foot-killing machine.

You know the one, grab foot with front paws, kick wildly with back paws, and chomp at toes with excruciatingly sharp teeth.

One night, went for a piddle after an evening on the lash. It being my house and only the missus in I neither switched on the light nor donned any clothes.

Got to loo
Piddled
walking back from loo when the cat pounced. The bitch had been hiding under the bed waiting for me to come back. As I walked past the bed I was totally unaware of the twitching, wide eyed killer, poised ready to eat foot.

*Pounce*
*screamed like a girl*
*shat (almost)* (well I didn't know what it was did I?)
*missus screams as she wakes up without a clue as to what is going on*

then I fell. (beer induced, lost a foot to the cat, dark, nekked)

Result:
1 x black eye (Wardrobe handle)
1 x sprained elbow
1 x sprained ankle
1 x missing fingernail (god knows how that happened)

The evil cat stayed hanging on to the foot until I kicked so violently she flew across the room.

Cat now sleeps outside.

No apologies for length, girth, bend or flavour - the ladies love it...
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:51, Reply)

I got stung by a "Uhrelly Icshhh"
I was a very curious child. I used to love going “hunting” whilst on holiday with the family. Unfortunately for me however I am also one of these people that seem to attract stinging animals.

You name it, spiders, ants, scorpions, wasps, hornets, bees, lizards, snakes I have been bitten, stung or poisoned by the lot. Luckily, none of the above where not of the “life threatening” verities and most incidents simply left me in tears with a swollen finger\hand\foot\leg for a couple for days.

I learnt my lesson one day though. I was about 12 and on holiday in the Med with my parents and we had taken a small motor-boat out to go exploring. We settled in a cove and I jumped out to do some snorkelling and saw something interesting, it was quite small, jelly-like and swam with a odd flapping motion (you guess it!) so I decided to drive down for a closer look. So there I am, stalking an evil looking, BRIGHT RED jellyfish miles away from the nearest beach.

After some frantic flapping with my flippers I managed to get all the way down for a closer look then something catches my eye, another one, and another and another, they where everywhere!!! I had not seen them due to the cloudiness of the water. I started to panic, turned around and BANG swam through about 8 of the bugger’s one catching me right on the throat! Instant firey pain followed, I could hardly breath. I managed to struggle my way back to the boat and spluttered something about “Uhrelly Icshhh” then just collapsed in a ball of tears and pain for the 30min it took us to get back to the beach.

Honestly the most painful experience of my life, I had a big scar on my throat for about a month as well as some smaller ones on my chest and legs.

I am quite content to just leave things be these days but if ever see anything that looks even remotely like a jellyfish (plastic bags, seaweed etc) you watch me turn into a gold medal swimmer as I power my way back to the beach!!!
(Minty Hit, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:46, Reply)

Lord of the flies
During grad school, it was part of my job to rear the house flies we use for pesticide research. One Friday, I looked at the fly pupae in the incubator, and said "aw, they won't emerge by Monday. I'll leave them."

Forgetting it was a three-day weekend, my technician opens the door to the incubator on Tuesday, at which point over 50,000 house flies gain their freedom. "Dude, it was like smoke coming out of a window."

To make things worse, a guy down the hall was in a rather important video conference. Trying to look stern and serious, he slowly went crazy as one fly after another landed on his face, buzzed his head and crawled all over him, being unable to bat them away while on the conference. He had some stern words forme afterward.

Incidently, the building I was working in was called the "Insectary," but nobody knew how to pronounce or spell it, so I would tell them to call it the "Buggery," not totally aware of what that means in British slang...
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:41, Reply)

Seagull of Doom
I used to work for a company called CTN on grays inn rd in london. The office was on the 5th floor and the smoking area was on the roof terrace. One summer's evening while working late I nipped out for a smoke as per usual. I was thinking what a lovely view I had of the city from up there when I noticed a seagull which seemed to be circling round the building. I dont know why but something struck me as a bit strange about its movements. Anyway I just stood there carrying on with my cigarette and watching it. Suddenly it started to fly towards me at increasing speed and made straight for my head, it swooped about 6 inches from my head and then started circling again. Then came in for another attack. Sounds pretty silly but I ran away like a girl. Seagulls are suprisigly big and scarey when they want to be. I'm not sure why the seagull took a dislike to me, maybe it had a nest up there or something, but I am more inclined to believe that london wildlife are collectively chav scummers.
(dedlymonkey, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:40, Reply)

a few years ago
i was asleep, sunbathing in the garden when our (gay) golden retreiver dog decided to back on to my face.
I suddenly awoke to find him polishing his ringpiece on the end of my nose.

Guide-dog my arse.
(nappy rash, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:39, Reply)

Attacked by a dead hedgehog
While playing football for the school.

During the warmup, I saw a hedgehog, curled up, lying near the penalty spot. So, rather foolishly, I went to pick it up. Yes, very silly. Those spines are effing sharp.

I recoiled in pain, and hoofed the beast up the arse. As it flew through the air, its four legs splayed out, and it disappeared very aerodynamically into a hedge.

I looked down and there were hedgehog entrails over my Adidas Beckenbaur's
(bear trappers hat, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:36, Reply)

Ferrets
Cute as the dickens, but a lot of them seem to have something to prove. I've had many encounters over the years. There's nothing quite so funny as sticking your hand in the top of a cage, and pulling it back out with wee kits attached to each finger.

Anyway, my first ferret was a big hob who, upon arriving in my room, ran underneath the dresser and stayed there for eight hours, drawing blood from anything that got within six inches, and then darting back in. We finally coaxed him out with food, and he ran under someplace else and set up his biting blind. See, ferrets make very little noise, so for those first few weeks we all had to wear shoes everywhere in the house. He could come out of anywhere, and rarely used the same place twice. He'd hide under the fridge, the bed, inside an overturned box, inside a duffel bag, anyplace he could fit. We lived in constant fear.

I loved that ferret. He died this year, and I cried off and on for weeks.
(Random Ferret, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:33, Reply)

Bullocks
When I was 16 I started an A-Level photography project called 'The Natural World', which in the case of Britain usually meant scurrying around fields looking for poppies and the occasional fox. On one such expedition I stumbled upon a field that was full of bullocks. The scent of ovulating young heffers was clearly in the air, as they seemed to be drunk with the horn and mounting anything - each other, gateposts, thistles...
When I walked into the field, the sex-crazed eunuch man-cows looked at me for about a second before deciding I was fair game and proceeded to chase me, presumbly with the intention of penetrating my fragile form... I had to leg it for about 100 metres (they're surprisingly fast) before hurdling the fence, clipping my toe and falling face-first into a pile of dirt. Still, it was better than being shafted by a herd of horny bullocks.
(pastypits, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:32, Reply)

Cat attack
We have lived in the same town centre for around 7 years now so have become quite used to a certain amount of stray/greedy cats lurking round outside our house. A few years ago there was a very cute stray that we nicknamed George, he was always getting rescued from cafes and shops and generally places where cats shouldn't really be. Now with me being the resident hippy I am always called upon to come deal with george, he has a collar and is healthy so we generally just take him out and let him go. If we see him in the street he generally acts quite pissed off and backs away.

Until one day we were nipping out to tesco and a very very thin looking george makes straight for me and promptly vomits some nasty looking gunge at my feet. We phoned the RSPCA who agree to come take a look if we keep hold of the cat. Otherhalf grabs cat carier, george runs in of his own free will and collapses (not good) so we decide to take him inside.

Now I have 2 very fat fluffy timid cats who woudn't say boo to a goose, Ronnie hides under the duvet if the door bell rings, is scared of pigeons and the person who feeds her while i'm away hasn't seen her ever in 5 years!

as soon as the two cats locked eyes I have never seen two more agressive beasts in all my life, my timid cat turned into the tasmanian devil and george who was on deaths door a minute ago was going mental in the cat box!!!! Fur was flying everywhere so otherhalf took the box back outside again to and I managed to control the hissing spitting ball of claws and teeth that used to be my cat. I'm covered in bites and scratches and so is he!!!!!

When the RSPC officer rang the door bell ronnie hid under to duvet and it turns out that the microchip in george thinks he's a doberman(no shit) still its nice to know my pansy assed cat could handle herself if she had too :)

sorry that was long winded
( flurokitty 3, 2, 1 lets jam! (+.[___]·:·), Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:29, Reply)

Not so much the attack, but...
I used to live in a small town in a rural area (still do, but a different one). A lot of people just let their dogs run free, and country dogs that move to town still think they are lord of all they see. Going on a nice bike ride one day, a big old German shepard chased me down from a block away and latched on to my leg. No real damage, just scared the becrappers out of me.

So, to protect myself, I went to the survivalist store to get some pepper spray. (No, I wasn't going to hunt the little cunter down and give him a snoot full of pepper spray, fun as that might have been). The woman at the store was cheerful as she was showing me the available products.

"This one will get someone up to 15 feet away, and this one is a mist that can clear a room. You just throw it through a window or door and is good for rooms up to 500 square feet. It's really cool."

"No," I said, "I don't need that. I was bitten by a dog a few days ago and just need a small one."

*Gasp* she gasped. "That's so horrible! He's just a dog! Oohh..." Her perkiness was squashed, and she was treating me like I was Hitler.

I guess it's okay to pepper spray random strangers, but not a dangerous dog. People are funny critters.

"Don't get bit," she whinned as I left.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:29, Reply)

Re-enactment
On a medieval re-enactment event we were watching the falconry displays. Typically one of the birds buggered off and didn't come back for ages.
Later on in the day i'm merilly walking around, dressed in green top, cheese sandwich in hand when - WHAM - bird of prey swoops past my ear, grabbing cheese sandwich and soaring off into the blue yonder.
It must have thought i was a handler. Scared the bejesus outta me.
( Nonny Mouse. -- Scared as a Shitting Scorpion, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:27, Reply)

All the lovely animals
1. i was stood in my garden being the small child that i was when the local ginger cat came up to me and i started stroking it. shortly after i felt a strange warm wet sensation on my leg...i had to shower pretty soon after that. I hate that ginger cat.

2. Apparently when i was 4 i got taken to a farm and promptly got chased around the farmyard by an irate goat.

3. One time (me being 9) i woke up to find several wasps flying around my room which quite scared me at 5 in the morning, so i screamed and ran downstairs, only to be confronted with a substantially larger number of wasps everywhere i looked. so i hid in my sisters wasp free room and i wouldnt come out. Only then i legged it out of the house and wouldnt come back in for two days until pest control had gotten rid of a strategically placed nest for me...

Animals dont like me.
(Salbo_baggins, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:27, Reply)

I did work experience
with an RAF Police dog unit when i was with Cadets.
they asked for someone to go in the padded suit to be chased.
I said ok that sounds like a larf.
I got knocked to the floor and could count the teeth marks on my arm even with a padded suit.

still I got to snog one of the female cadets because i was so brave :D
( Plomien is Polish for flame, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:25, Reply)

Dog, Wasp,Gerbil and Cat
First re-collections are of the local neighbourhood feral cat Christina, 5 yr old me poking at it with a bamboo stick, said cat takes offense and launches a furious attack on poor little old me. Fortunatley I was protected by my 1970's parka coat and escaped with minimal scratches and a new found respect for cats.

At school approximately aged 9-10 some bigger boys are throwing stones into a wasps nest in someones garden that backs onto the school field. I walk past wihtout realising what they were doing and proceed to spend the next ten minutes running round screaming like a girl while a swarm of wasps sting me and get stuck in my jumper. I then get a mate to flick the stuck wasps off with a stick and one by one they fly back and sting me again. Bastard wasps, years later I took revenge with a water pistol and can of lighter fluid.

First real pet, two gerbils, lovely little furry things they were. Till the day I put my hand in to change the food bowl and the little bastard bit me! Hung on to my knuckle joint on right index finger whilst I shook it about screaming, little bastard would not let go, that was until I started to beat it on the top of the old chest freezer. It flew off and hid behind the freezer and it took my mother 2 hours to coax the little git out. I still have the scar from that.

Worst one was the dog, sat on local park swings stroking firends alsatian. Must have stroked over a sore spot on the dog or something because it swung round and hit me with its muzzle, well so I thought till I saw the look on my firends faces. I slowly raised my hand to check my head, as my fingers slowly plunged into a gooey mess and hit bone I knew it was time to go home and stop playing. Mother thought I had been in a knife fight and I swear to this day she still doesnt believe me it was a dog.
The dog had infact bitten me quite badly, it missed my eye by about 20mm and I had a nice scratch all the way up my forehead going into my hairline on the left side of my head and then a nice 4" long gash down to the bone.
Still have the scar from that one and a nice bald line in my head.
( M o D, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:24, Reply)

Cricklade College, Andover, 1989ish.
A swan had nested in the pond outside the front of the college. I watched with interest/glee as a small girl ventured too close to it's territory. The swan lept to the defence of it's ugly ducklings. For a second there was a flurry of feathers and little pink summer dress, before the mother of the humanling waded (not literally) in with her handbag. It didn't cross our minds at the time to gather in a circle shouting "FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT....".
I'd pay to watch that again.
(Jordy, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:11, Reply)

don't f*ck with the ducks
We went to London with school for some reason, probably as living near-ish to the countryside they reckoned our child-lungs weren't filled with enough city filth. Anyhoo, I think we went to kew gardens and then on a boat of some kind. The boat went its merry way down the river and we sailed by some ducks on the water. My mate was eating an apple at the time and decided it would be amusing to toss the item at one of the swimming ducks.
HO HO HO
The struck duck launched itself out of the water and attacked my friend - attacked his face. He ended up with a few cuts and a black eye. From a duck attack. He has since moved away but I should like to see him one day with a group of his new mates to remind him of that special day.

p.s. ducks aside, wasps are evil purposeless fuckers. We have come up with hundreds of inventive and effective ways to terminate human life - why hasn't someone yet come up with an end to the wasp scourge? Kill em all I say.

apologies for length x width / time taken
(lemonymillenniumbaboon, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 15:05, Reply)

Seagull... part 2
Few years back, me and the then girlfriend spent a lovely few days in St. Ives in Cornwall.

There is a small beach just opposite the Tate gallery.

Seagulls there play a wonderful game of strategic air command!

We had a thoroughly good time sitting on a wall in the sun, eating icecream and watching in awe and wonder as the seagulls would actually pick their targets before swooping down to deliver 'special packages' of rather slimy green turdage onto the lucky sunbathers.

One notable shot was when two gulls flew a mission together and dropped an especially large load into the coolbox of a family that were just sitting down to enjoy their lunch.


Free entertainment at its best!
(IcePimp, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:59, Reply)

There I was walking my dog in the woods...
...when I came across a small glade.
There was a huge flock of wood pigeons there, pigeoning around (like they do).
So I tied up my quite manic dog, and crept closer to watch them for a while, only they saw me and waddled away, and I noticed that they were strangely reluctant to fly.

Me being a b3tan and all, I decided to try and 'herd' them, like sheep (although I have never herded anything else, ever.)
Things were going well, I was getting them into a nice formation, when an insane squirrel for some reason took offence, and ran across the grass and started edging towards me, menacing like (must have been a Daily Hate Mail reader)!

Me being a soft city-dweller, this commando tree-climber taking me on was enough to unnerve me quite effectively, so I scarpered.
I went and untied my dog and let him off the lead.

Said Mr. Dead-Hard squirrel got chased up the tree, with me cackling maniacally at my victory (and getting by dog back on the lead before he bored of the tree and went after the pigeons.)

The pigeons took no fucking notice whatsoever of all this, which just goes to confirm - well - everything.
( Lord Keeps meaning to procrastinate., Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:58, Reply)

Snakes
When I was but a wee tike of merely 14, my mother came rushing into the living room where I am watching the telly and started screaming about a snake on the roof.

My Bedroom is on the roof.

Oh no.

Run upstairs, an my mum hands me a BLUNT MEAT CLEVER that's no more than 4 inches long.

The snake, a deadly poisonous Bamboo snake, is well over 3 feet long. Buggercakes.

So, I grab a handy cricket bat and beat it to death, whilst my mum locked herself in my bedroom.

It's suprising how long it takes for a headless snake to stop twitching.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:55, Reply)

In the pet shop
I bent down to look at the cute ickle rats in one cage, & felt something touch my arse. I assumed it was my boyfriend so I ignored it. Then it felt like he was poking me with his little finger. Finally he nipped my bum & I turned to him to tell him off as there were kiddies nearby. He was on the floor pissing himself laughing.
I was being fondled by one of the chipmunks in the cage beside me.
(deadly, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 14:53, Reply)