Just on Monday, in fact
My almost-friend Dave, who I can't stand, said that there were not 2 girls in our PE group but 3, as Sunil (obviously a boy) had just joined the group.
My obvious response was "Oooh, ho ho ho ha ha ho ha ha, that's so funny...when you're nine!"
Cue much laughter from my friends and a downhearted response of "...shut up, Chick" from Dave.
( Malchick, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:52, Reply)

Hmmm....
Whilst growing my decidedly shabby facial hair, a lady I was working with told me it looked "terrible". I quickly replied that I was sorry, and I didn't expect to match hers any time soon. She wasn't impressed.
( Stickman_ben, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:51, Reply)

old one
I burped and I say 'pardon'
My mother says 'you don't pardon pigs, you shoot them'
Then I say 'you don't give monkeys guns'
(divvydave, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:50, Reply)

If you're by a computer...
...go to www.freetranslation.com. Say you're translating what they said into english.
(i am definitely not a towel (or simon pegg), Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:49, Reply)

just
a simple one:

come back when you've stopped individually naming your chest hairs.
(radja, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:49, Reply)

not funny
this guy walks in and tells me "i got tripped up by some gary on a bike and they were like "ha -ha". so not funny"

a mate replies "i suppose you had to be there at the time"
(large_surface_area, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:48, Reply)

locka talk
I go to my locker and open it. some fool used my locker as a rubbish trip and left a ball of paper inside.i throw it onto the floor and some nob jockey quips "you ever heard of a bin, fool"

"yeah, my locker isn't one"
i walk of and they are stunned. 1-0 to me!
(large_surface_area, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:40, Reply)

Out on the town one night when I was 17...
I was walking towards one of my favourite nightspots with a group of friends when some old tart (knee-high boots, fishnets, leopard print - you know the sort) scoffed "shouldn't you lot be in bed?". No sooner has she said it I found myself replying "And shouldn't you be looking after your grandchildren?". That shut the stupid bitch up.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:39, Reply)

Thick chav revenge
Living in a relatively small town, there's nowt much for the chavs to do at night except congregate in the precinct.

One evening I walked past the plebby scrotes and one particularly obnoxious twunt shouted out that I was a fat bitch (I'm a size 14).

My response: Yeah, but at least i can go on a diet. The only way you could improve yourself is with a personality transplant.

His mates cracked up, leaving him angry, embarrassed and with small tears forming in his eyes.

Ha!
( Sausagegirl, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:38, Reply)

Below the belt!
A friend of mine had an argument with his Dad.He called him an "old bastard".His Dad replied with"I would have sexually abused you as a child if you weren`t so fucking ugly!".
(chuffster, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:32, Reply)

comebacks?
more like YOUR MOM-backs
(1, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:31, Reply)

retort
i wasn't insulted, but it was a real feel good moment nonetheless. the girl this was aimed at is so very very pretentious; she actually said to one of my mates "how dare you say that to me? who do you think you are?" when he insulted her. anyways, she was standing around (i was sat down), and picked up her boyfriend's little brother, who started squirming and going "get off!!" like your average six year old would. she turned to everyone sitting down (about six or seven people) and said "oh he loves me really, he just pretends not to." I just laughed and said "just like everyone else then."
she was not best amused. not the greatest of comebacks, but it took the wind out of her sails anyway.
(cap'nj, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:30, Reply)

so....
You are in a pub/playground/dance-hall and this skank/slob/punk insults your clothes/face/manner/odour???

As long as he/she is a complete stranger - you could try acting mentally disadvantaged. That should make him feel suitably guity.

I tried this and it worked. Some fool was calling me a fucktard as he passed me on the pavement. I casually looked at my watch, span around a little and whispered sweet nothings.

He was utterly shocked (and so was I)
(Market Man, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:18, Reply)

Low In My Estimation (Dept)
Used to work in a drawing office a few years back, which was OK except that I never really saw eye-to-eye with a guy in the estimating department next door; always struck me as too much of a cocky bastard.

The day came when I was doing the rounds, saying a last TTFN to all and sundry before I made a bolt for the door and a better salary.

I saved the best for last; I sidled up to the aforementioned beancounter, shook him warmly by the throat hand and announced that it had been "decidedly average to know him".

The feeling of absolute glee as I let the door click shut on his speechless fizzog behind me was priceless.
( badg3r :: what are you insinuating, you equity ponce? last considered changing his board sig on, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:15, Reply)

a course tutor once told me
I should be able to get in on time, since she had buses going past her house every 20 minutes

a friend quipped, yeah, that's because you live in a caravan
( Wildheart Baby. Drunken Mess In A Good Way, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:12, Reply)

Longish story
We got a new filing cabinet at work (thrilling, I know), and Ben (the copy boy) said "We should put a plant on top of that."
Anne, a woman with a low opinion of Ben retorted with "We should put you [Ben] on top of it."
Quick as a flash, I came back with "He said a plant, not a vegetable."
(minister of heresy, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:12, Reply)

Come back
When i used to work in a school i spent my time permanatly surrounded by chavs and alike.

One joyus morning in the middle of a teaching session, the highly amusing "puff" was uttered under a cough. I carfuly put down what i was doing, turned, pointed at the lad in question and said "Shut up. Your mum still owes my dog fuck money."





It would have been quite good had his mother not been a school govenor and made a formal complaint about my conduct. Other choice remarks i heard made by members of staff included
"I hope you practice safe sex, 'cos i'd hate to have your DNA poluting the gene pool"
"Ha Ha. Very funny. Come back when your bollocks have dropped and i might take you seriously"
"You're a mavel to Physics... You're so dence I'm supprised light doesn't bend round you"
"Peodaphilia is too good for some of you"
(Norfolk and chance, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:08, Reply)

So's your mum.
( Laughing Boy, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:07, Reply)

I remember once my friend Dunc had a little dig at me...
so I countered with 'Jesus, Dunc, and you wonder why people don't like you.'
Probably funnier at the time...
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:06, Reply)

She'll go far...
My niece (bless her cotton socks) was once asked, "Would you go out with me sometime?", by a guy far too old for her.
She replied, "Sorry, I'm washing my hair."
Presumably, he was a bit thick, because he followed up with a puzzled, "But I didn't say when."
She was forced to slay him with, "Look, I think you've missed the point!"
(minimalist ..., Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:05, Reply)

"your shoes
are really ugly."

"well at least i can take them off, shame about your face."
(sherbetalligator, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:04, Reply)

poo-oriented comeback fun
This one turned up when I was talking to some snotty girl at school.

"Hmph. Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit."
"Diarrhea is the loosest form of shit. What's your point?"

That shut her up - no idea where it came from.
( kingofpork is the king of pork, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:01, Reply)

Not exactly snappy - more planned in detail...
...... but HUGELY satisfying!

When I was a kid and did something clumsy or gourmless my Mum would always say "if brains was gunpowder you couldn't blow yer hat off!"

Now this rankled somewhat... so I plotted and planned, and came up with the perfect comeback and waited til she used the posionous phrase when there were a load of people round, and came back IMMEDIATELY with "yeah - and if you could think of something original to say then you'd be witty"

Cue stunned silence and a round of applause and a seething mother - but by Christ it was worth it!!!!
(chairman_of_the_peoples_democratic_republic_of_birmingham, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 18:00, Reply)

This one actually worked quite well.
Him: I'm going to make your life a living hell.
Me: Touche.
(Xiaon, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:58, Reply)

fishing for compliments
i was in some nightclub and this woman came up to me fishing for compliments and says, "didn't i go to school with you?". this woman was obviously a few years older than me, and we had never been to school together, so i retorted "oh yes, weren't you my maths teacher?". arf
(stinkmonkey, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:55, Reply)

Obviously not me......
www.snopes.com/risque/caught/pumpkin.htm
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:51, Reply)

Best send off ever
I have mentioned before the hairy objectionable french twat in our corridor. (I don't hate the french, honest, just THAT one)

One night, my roommate had gone with the boys next door and the twunt out clubbing, while I watched my friend be hypnotised in the union bar and simlulate sex with Brad Pitt on a mop. Said friend remembered nowt, and she and a bunch of mates went back to my massive room to down JD and tell her what she did. Eventually, we're all bit wobbly, and retire to our own beds. slaughtered.

Hours later (at like, 1am), my roomie opens the door, runs in, slams said door and says "omigod, you won't believe what just happened".

Reply: "no. sleep. drunk. shush" and went back to sleep.

Bit later, door knocks. Roomie gets up, opens it, and gallic moron steps forward to block door and starts screaming in her face about something or other. Pissed and pissed off I sleepily shouted "leave her the f**k alone and sod off"

He says "Shut up, this is none of you're business"

I don't remember this next bit (VERY drunk), but roomie tells it like this: I sat bolt upright, and started with "None of my f**king business? TW*T." hen began an extremely coherent, witty, insulting, intelligent five minute shouty rant at him, without hardly taking breath and not letting him get a word in. At the end (and I've been assured it was remarkable), he stands there totally speechless.

Roommate looks at me, looks at him, looks at me again, grabs door handle, shrugs and says

"night"

wish I'd said thatapo-loggies for length!
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:50, Reply)

My best
Seems to be, "hey Buddy... Fuck off and die."
(Human, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:48, Reply)

Not so much a comeback as a witty insult.
I was out drinking with my scaffolder friend, a peroxide pikey type woman walked past, he got her attention and said " You have such lovely blonde hair, what made you dye the roots brown?"

It cheered me up anyway :)
(jack_ruby, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:43, Reply)

In sixth grade
i pissed off the class bully and he told me to "suck it." i said, "oh, i'm sorry, my mom told me not to put small things in my mouth."
(sophie the dyking, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 17:35, Reply)