A few christmases ago ,myself and the misus..
...stayed at my mum and dad's house.

A fine day was had, with lots of turkey, stuffing, spuds, sprouts, veg, cheese, beer, guiness wine ad pickled onions consumed.

Anyway, we retired to bed and were unable to sleep due to thunderous farts.

Not due to the noise.

Oh no.

The SMELL.

We had to stay there another two nights, and to use the famous line from Red Dwarf, the room stank like a packet of dry roasted peanuts.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:11, Reply)

Hedgehog gassing
My mate's mum used to be part of some kind of organisation that rescued injured and abandoned animals. He always had to share his house with squirrels and hedgehogs, requiring weeks or maybe months of careful rehabilitation. He had to suffer all these poor souls stinking out his bedroom as his mum lovingly nursed them back to health.

Anyway, one hot summer I'm around my mate's house sitting in the garden catching some rays and generally talking mince when his mum comes out with one of these hedgehogs. Apparantly it needed excercise for it's iminent release so we had the job of keeping an eye on it as it ran around the garden sniffing things intently. It sniffed around the flowers, it sniffed around the lawn and eventually came to us two. It's little nose sniffed around me, then my mate. It sniffed his feet, then went up his leg, sniffing all the way upto his thighs. Now my mate's eyes lit up, quick as a flash he opened his legs apart and as the little mite sniffed his balls, my mate let out a ripple of one of the most noxious gas emissions I've ever encountered.
What happened next was amazing.
The hedgehog put it's nose right onto my mates bumhole and in an instant recoiled in horror. Not only that but the poor fella started having what I could best describe as a violent seizure. Most disturbingly it started twisting its head around and began vomiting on it's own back! Staggering sideways and then running backwards, head spinning, tongue lolling out of it's mouth it finally came to rest on it's back when it fell off the lawn into the flower beds a good four feet away, and continued to throw up on itself until eventually it curled up into a ball.

The guff was horrendous to me and I was a smoker at the time so my sense of smell was shot, but poor Mr Tiggywinkle would've been able to sniff out a slug from 10ft away and he was sniffing the brown-eye of the storm.

We thought it was going to die, I thought I was going to die (laughing). It didn't, but it did spend an extras week in rehab as according to my mate's mum, "it didn't seem quite ready to go out anymore."
(sparks , oh, I don't know., Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:07, Reply)

Snap!
rosstheboss' post reminded me of a similar experience I had some years back.

Feeling the familiar pressure in the rear area, I identified an imminent gaseous expulsion. Apply a little extra pressure, to change a parp to something a little more memorable and "CRACK". The emission, though almost odourless, left my arse at such speed and with such force, it's passing literally caused my arse cheeks to snap back into their normal position. Worse, it was painful, like being kicked, or slapped between the buttocks.

At least I now know I'm not the only person to have emitted one of these strange guffs.

Still not sure if the sound was cheeks slapping together or the gasses breaking the sound barrier.
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:05, Reply)

Crust
I was on my motorbike and needed to fart really badly but it turned out to be about half a pint of diarrhea.

I was on the motorway so couldn't stop and by the time I got home it had set like horrid yellow glue.

Ripping my undies off was like having my ringpiece waxed.
(skindley, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:01, Reply)

I like to store up a big one, go and sit on my sisters head/face, and let rip.
Hilarity ensues.
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:01, Reply)

Night club niff
I like to fart while dancing in nightclubs. The music is always loud enough to completley mask the sound of the flatulence. But one time I was merrily jigging away when I let out a fairly moderate sized fart which only seconds later cleared most of the dance floor. People actually stopped dancing, screwed up their faces and left the floor in disgust. It was great! One of my friends commented that a drain must be blocked somewhere.
(rosstheboss, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 17:01, Reply)

It's true
It all started when my brothers best friend came screaming into our kitchen and in front of me and my mum and shouts 'Ben made someone sick in school today with a fart'. After a few minutes of calming the poor boy down, who still had tears of joy in his eyes he told us the full storey.
In all good traditional primary schools boys and girls were made to share desks and my brother ended up with a very quite chinese girl who had only just moved to the UK. So along with all the jokes about him having a new girlfriend he had to prove he was still one of the boys.
So after eating the traditional school fare of stoge and sulphur inducing boiled to death cabbage it did not take much encouragement to start the gases moving.
So picture a sweet looking chinese girl all prim and proper and a scruffy looking boy who is sitting there with his bowels slowly filling with gas.
So with his best friened in support my brother lets rip just as the poor girl is answering the techer in he newly learnt english. The poor girl never having been subjected to boys, let along english school boys could not take in what had happended until the smell hit her.
So with now with all of the male members of the class screaming with laughter the poor girl projectile vomits over the desk.
What could the poor teacher do but help her to the nurse and then run my brother to the Head Mistress to explain himself.
My mother did see the funny side at first but then she had to meet with the Head Mistress to explain my brothers trouser trumpet away.
Then add to this the bragging rights my brother had at school and in less than 24 hrs the whole school and all the parents knew. At this point my mother could no longer see the humerous side
(Chipskills, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:57, Reply)

Like cracking a coffin
I generate some of the most vile smells known to creation after a night on the pop.

One night in my hotel, after a heavy session, I hear a commotion outside my window, so check it out to find a bunch of boy-racers acting the arse, and showing no signs of going home anytime soon.

So, I pull the window open, drop my jeans & skids, bend over to do a goatse style airborne fart at them, and promptly shit like a rocket into their midst. Ooops.

Riot ensued.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:56, Reply)

Not sure whether to be proud or not...
I’m 'known', you lot have nothing on me. You might have the odd batch of foul farts after certain food/drink but I am a constant ticking biological weapon (still not sure if this is an achievement). Mates, girlfriend, family anyone who knows me knows my scent and no matter if its me or not i get the blame. Do you know what its like living with this stigma?

The best thing is though, and which I am quite proud of, is using one of them promotional Lynx clickers to count my daily output...

57 times in one day

That’s a normal day.
(tedalaki - Like Purple Aki but better, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:45, Reply)

Who's there?
This one wasn't me but my brother. We were sitting at the tea table having our evening family meal when my brother gassed it painfully sounding. It litterally went BANG! And then my dad went to answer the front door, yep he thought this fart was someone knocking at the door. He came back rather puzzled complaining that someone must have knocked on the door and run away.
(rosstheboss, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:45, Reply)

Stop the car!
Just remembered another one thanks to ChickMonkey.

A few xmasses ago, I had some serious sprout-age for xmas dinner. The next day it snows, so me and younger brother decide to go out for some country lane rally driving. I start the bottycoughs and they're really quite ripe. Little Bro has a sensitive stomach at the best of times and my bumsinging isnt getting any nicer. After 20 mins they're getting pretty heady and he has to stop the car and get out to breathe. He was *that* close to blowing chunks.

Sometime later we came off the road into a grassy patch, it may have been because of me - not too sure.

G
(turkeywelder, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:43, Reply)

Lately...
my posts seem to revolve around body functions that occur in the bath.

But, is it just me or does anyone else wonder why, whenever you trump in the bath it always smells of eggs?

Hmm?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:43, Reply)

Evil Veggie Farts of Doom +10
I'm a veggie, and a weight trainer. Consequently i eat huge amounts of food, as high in protein as possible. Lots and lots of TVP (soya mince), lentils, chick peas, various beans.
My most flatulence-inducing recipe is my very own soya mince chilli, which i typically eat far too much of. I am literally farting every three or four minutes for the next 24 hours after a large plate of this. Large, loud and most of all horiffically pungent ones.
I have the most noxious farts on earth. Actually i rather like them, they are strangely conforting in their intensity. But no-one else agrees with me, especially the Mrs. and especially in bed.
I have had too many farting debacles to relate them all, and i would be largely repeating myself with every story.
I'll just briefly relate a few of my crowning glories, which can be verified by independant witnesses:

1) Farting in my friend's recently decorated lounge. He phoned me up two days later and told me he could still smell it.

2) Farting outside on a windy day, and still having people running to get away from it.

3) After farting practically continuously, getting thrown out of my friend's house because the room was now "full up".
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:42, Reply)

Bolshaya Problema
When I was first in Moscow, I was given some tickets to the Bolshoi Theatre. I was excited, as I like operas. But I had a bit of tummy trouble. Nothing serious, but I took some anti-diarrhoea tablets just in case. Well, for the entire evening at the opera, I was making my own music to rival Rimsky-Korsakov himself - farting and belching all the way through the Golden Cockerel. And I couldn't go to the toilet for three days. I'm sure there's a moral here somewhere.
( giant_squid, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:40, Reply)

In my sleep
Last weekend as a matter of fact, I was staying over at a friends house after some rather hefty barbecue and beer action. A few of us were kipping in the lounge overnight. I'm usually quite a windy person anyway, but apparently I woke someone up with my guffage and was informed in the morning by said friend (hello lou!) that I fart very loudly in my sleep, almost as if I'm trying to make them loud.

Not sure whether to be proud or not.

G - its quite long, depends on how much beer I've been drinking

*pop goes QOTW cherry*

/unlurk
(turkeywelder, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:38, Reply)

Intercity chuck-up
After consuming 2 xmas dinners and all the other xmas eating stuff (mmm mince pies etc.) I was travelling back on the train to london with my then girlf when I let one go. You know it's bad when it stings your arse on the way out. The ticket inspector has just entered the carriage when my girlf caught a whiff - she promptly retched and made a dash for the loo, pushing the inspector out the way, where she then threw up. Nice. Neither her, the ticket inspector or the other passengers were too impressed. Evenn I felt a bit ill...
PFFFFT (first post!)
(chickmonkey, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:37, Reply)

beefeater birthday dinner
three years ago for my 23rd me and my family (mum/dad/brother/aunt/cousinsx2) go to the beefeater for dinner. usual family banter nothing extraordinary. but just as the desserts are served someone drops a right ripper. i realised straight away it was an old woman at the table adjacent to ours but chose to ignore it and wait till we exit to tell my family, but my aunt who heard it aswell believed it was my cousin, allana, 10 years old, sitting at the the end of the table and asked both loudly and sternly

'Allana! was that you?!'

allana pushes her chair back, stands up, points at the old woman and declares.

'NO! IT WAS THAT OLD WOMAN!'

the restuarant erupted into hilarity. i had to go outside to try to stop laughing and try breathing. poor old woman looked mortified.
(Raol Duke, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:36, Reply)

Silent but deadly
I was at Uni back in the day, we were in graphic design on the third floor and the fashion lot were on the second floor, this meant that we were lucky enough to share the lift with the best looking girls in the whole university.

My 'look' at the time was a shaven head and massive headphones, so one fine morning I arrived at the lift doors with my mates and a gaggle of pretty fashion girls, and a rumbling hung over stomach.

Once in the lift my bottom immediately demanded I release it's airy contents — I thought by shifting my cheeks a little I'd be able to slip it out without much ado. I then commenced to fill the lift with a smell only attainable through a life on stella, porridge and beans. By riding it out I thought the blame could be pinned on anyone in the lift so just hummed to myself until we reached the next floor.

When the fashion ladies left they all looked at me in absolute disgust. Confused, I turned, looking at my mates who were laughing heartily through the haze of my guff. As I removed my blaring headphones I was informed that I'd done the loudest fart they'd ever heard.
(Danimal, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:29, Reply)

Morning after
Following a night on the delightful yet oh so sulphurous Marstons Pedigree, the morning after tends to be quite lively parp-wise.

However my worst experience was at uni after several pints of cheap bitter and a much hotter than usual chicken madras.

The next morning I met my mate as we went down to the Students Union to buy tickets for a forthcoming event. In the queue I unwittingly unleashed a voluminous yet silent fart so malodourously rancid and steel meltingly hot that it actually created a visible heat haze in the corridor, not unlike those seen on a formula one race track. It was a fart so bad it stripped the wallpaper from the ceiling.

The poor sods behind me didn't stand a chance, they were doomed like World War One troops caught in a mustard gas filled trench. My mate ran off, aghast with his hand clamped over his mouth, gasping desperately for fresh air.

Despite my shame, I got served first unsuprisingly although the girl at the counter looked a little green and somewhat shocked.

Further events unfolded involving me being doubled over with stomach cramps on a bus and me rendering a city centre pub toilet a no go zone but I won't go into details. Needless to say, Chemical Ali would have paid a lot to bottle that particular offering.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:28, Reply)

Baby farts
When I first took up the cello at fourteen, my teacher had a nine-month-old baby. At the end of my first lesson, teacher was chatting to my mum when the baby let rip with the most enormous fart. Seriously, it was like an aeroplane flying overhead, never would I have believed such a tiny creature might be capable of such vile anal extrusions. Unfortunately, my mother thought it was me, and started bollocking me for farting in front of my new cello teacher! Luckily teacher knew it was the baby and nearly weed herself laughing :)
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:27, Reply)

Mackem misery
I’d been out on a 2 day long bender round Leeds; so my diet had consisted of nothing more than beer and some very dodgy takeaways. After staying up all Friday night I found myself at Leeds station waiting for a train back to my home town to watch the football.

Mistake number one was buying a very strong coffee in a vain attempt to sober up; this was more that my stomach could stand. Mistake two was boarding a train full of Sunderland fans who knew I supported someone else. Standing room only with no working toilet…..

Pulling out of Leeds I really was in fear that if I farted I would follow through big time; so I heroically tried to hold in. Managed to make it a far as the edge of Sheffield (a good 45minutes) before I had to give in.

Didn’t follow through but the smell was horrific; never known everything as bad. As we pulled into Sheffield station the Mackems piled out to find somewhere they could breathe and a load of new victims boarded.

So that was the day I fought off a Sunderland mob with a fart.

Length, girth not really applicable here – but it still made my eyes water.
(Rev O'Lucian will unfortunatly age on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:24, Reply)

Greene King IPA
gives you terrible unpleasant morning after wind, an all day session on the stuff and consuming nothing else but kebabs (3 i think, was my 21st birthday so made sense at the time) makes for pure evilness, pig slurry would be an improvement!

I should apologise to all and sundry who encountered me on the day after.
(Halfy By light alone, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:15, Reply)

I am a God among men
Ten pints of weapons grade cider on a student night out, and crashed on the living room floor of a mates house.

The first post-sleep guff next morning caused such a stench that every occupant fled the house into the street outside.

Including the ones still upstairs in their bedrooms.
( biggus_richus, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:14, Reply)

Ooops
Sitting next to the cutest girl in Japanese class, I was struggling to hold in a rip snorter.
Then to my horror the scent of her perfume set my nose a quivering.
The sneeze build up was imense.
How could a 15 yr old boy hold it in from both ends with an erection? Its not humanly possible.
Unable to hold it any longer, I sneezed letting my clenched arsehole go at the same time.
Queue much laughing and the hotty quietly moving seats.
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:12, Reply)

I have a denim dress thing.
We got it cheap, something like £2 because there was a small bit at the bottom that was faded. I should have left it, or made it into a firey sort.

Instead I made it into a long stripe up the back. I wore it to my cousins' house where I stayed for a week with my gran.

For some reason I was unusually flatulent that week. I was farting almost every five minutes. Not smelly, just quite loud. When you keep trying to hold in farts it's not very good.

Combining the strip on my denim dresslikething and the flatulence, it led to my cousins calling me skunk.

:(

Click I like this if you've ever farted loudly in an exam.

Oh, and I'm just sitting here typing this and I can smell cat fart, one of my cats farts really badly. It smells like catfood and shit.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:12, Reply)

I'm a lady
We don't do such things.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:08, Reply)

holy shit
frankspencer i can almost taste the words "bubbling spermy wad". that is dis-gus-ting.

however, on the topic of farting, frank's description of his former grandmother-in-law farting like "someone ripping a hessian backed carpet" made me giggle all afternoon when i read it last week. beautifully put.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:08, Reply)

I have two
First was at University, a few of us hanging out in (unfortunately, now I think about it) my room. I let rip a fart - after all, it is my room!, and Malcolm follows with another one, and Dave a third. By this point we're all giggling, as 18 year old boys are wont to do in this sort of situation, when Darren, bless his socks says "Oh yeah? Listen to this!" with a big grin on his face, lifting a leg to release his own piece.

A grin replaced by panic a moment later as he realises he felt more than just a fart brewing, and runs out the door toward the bathroom, presumably with his trousers looking like something out of Alien.


The second story was at a music festival in Belgium. A two-day diet of chips and mayonnaise, meat and beer was playing havoc with my insides. At 3am ish, getting ready to bed down with the two other guys in our tent, I realise i have to let one off, so being half undressed, i just open the tent flap, pop my arse outside and let rip.

However, they swear blind I was outside, and opened the flap just to fart *into* the tent, something we disagree upon until this day. I may have been drunk, but not sure what I would have been doing outside the tent at that time. Regardless, it was loud as a klaxon and thoroughly eggy.
( fross Read your email on, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:07, Reply)

Anal
After engaging in a spot of anality with me, my wife popped to the toilet and farted out a bubbling spermy wad. I didn't smell it, but the sound was quite unpleasant.
(frankspencer, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 16:03, Reply)