Much would be helped
if a big book of extremely detailed youth crime statistics over several decades was kept. Furthermore, some method would be found in my ideal world to record incidences of young people spitting, swearing loudly in public, being obnoxious, dressing stupidly, listening to crap music, drinking too much and disrespecting their parents.

This way, in about fifty years' time, no-one could claim that the youth of today are all savages and in their day everyone was a perfect citizen.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 1:15, Reply)

I'm not religionist but...
Radical Islam is almost exclusively practised by young males who are, incidentally, forbidden to masturbate by their religion. Now it might just be me but I would imagine that living in a highly sexualised society , surrounded every day by titillating and suggestive media and not being able to satisfy natural urges would lead to a state of constant, seething frustration and resentment. Frustration and resentment that might drive a young, testosterone charged follower to try and destroy an establishment representative of the depravity and licentiousness of infidel society like err...Tiger Tiger. Glad they didn't check the parking restrictions, twats.

But seriously, a lot of lives could be saved in the Middle East if one could polish the pork-sword with The Prophet's permission.
(Lord Smegington, Sat 24 Sep 2011, 1:04, 5 replies)

Any employee in any company who interacts with customers should have instant authority to act or advise.
Ditto for local authorities, councils etc. Each person must keep a log of their decisions and is answerable to a code of conduct and their superiors, but has both the authority and the training to decide independantly. For two reasons:

1. (As I said in a previous thread) From the consumer POV: Less time-wasting, filling out forms, "Oh, it's not my responsibility", "Can I just put you on hold" and "We'll call you back when the one person with authority in this area gets back from their 3 month holiday in Ibiza."

2. From the working POV: Having to actually engage with the customers, make logical decisions, defend your perspective and take the rap/credit for whatever result, and having the company's trust results in a much better work approach than just saying hello and either transferring calls or listening to frustrated people who just want a simple thing sorted, but not being able to do anything.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 23:30, 2 replies)

Fix The World
Well, I'd get rid of all the poofs and the blacks. But I suppose you're not "allowed" to say that sort of thing these days what with all the laws and political correctness and stuff.
(dewie, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 22:56, Reply)

I would like to see
- all foot paths on private property closed to the public.
- Genesis to reunite. Again.
- jeans to be standard dress uniform for any man over 40.
- ornithology to be taught in schools.
- the making of preserves/pickles/relishes to become a worldwide past-time with the product to become an internationally reknowned dish.
- making jokes at the expense of someone's height or intellect to become standard comedy fodder.
- all government to be limited to the installation of recreation infastructure.
- a new car for me. Now.

For me personally, I'd love midori to get a fucking spell-check!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 23 Sep 2011, 22:28, 1 reply)

All TV series to run to their original scripted deadlines
with space to rewrite episodes etc, but if you present a plot and say "it will take four seasons to complete this story", then give it four seasons FFS. I'm sick of shows that get cancelled in the middle of a series by executives, and try to cram 2 season's worth of plot into their last 3 episodes.

Examples: Rome, Pushing Daisies, Firefly, Carnivale...

In the same vein, if you said it'll take 4 seasons don't stretch it into 5.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 21:30, 8 replies)

Kushan's post reminded me of something I've been trying to put into effect.
Bacon to count towards one of your 5-a-day.
(anonymousreality tickled your fancy on, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 20:49, Reply)

everyone to have the ability to go back in time
so i could go back 45mins and then my take away would be due now and I wouldn't be contemplating eating my sofa...
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 19:16, 1 reply)

Volume on TV*
Broadcasters: Turn the sound lower on the adverts or the sound higher on the program so they are the same!
There's nothing worse than watching a nice film at night then getting blared out with the fecking go-compare man.

I wonder if I could sue the broadcasters for the worn out volume buttons on my telly phaser.

*Might've been suggested already but I've not read through 9 pages yet.
(Mensa Reject has gone out, I'll be back on, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 18:38, 16 replies)

Introduce Sharia Law.
I mean we shouldn't knock it until we've tried it.
(judgetheobscure used to sweep in butchers' shops., Fri 23 Sep 2011, 17:51, 6 replies)

I'd encourage all children
to get messy and dirty while playing outside. That way paedophiles who are grooming them will constantly have to start again, and won't get to the point of abusing them.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 17:32, Reply)

This QOTW was made for me
So now you lot have to sit up and listen (well, read.) The following would have to take place under a one-world government, obviously, with Rampants as Big King Chutney Trousers (paid at the exact average wage and with no privileges other than that necessary to provide security)

1) Ban economics.

It never fails to surprise me how many people who rightly eschew organised religion as total bollocks on one hand nonetheless take economics seriously on the other. At the base is a belief that the value of everything can be expressed as a numerical value based mostly on what people believe it to be worth. There's neither any real basis for this other than belief, nor any real ackonwledgement of non-monetary value of just about anything other than in a very secondary sense. However trying to rebuild such a money-centric society without money is difficult so in a practical sense the following should suffice:

a) One single worlwide currency (therefore no currency trading - hooray!) This could be linked to the price of a series of essential goods so that everyone on earth would pay the same price for a basket of shopping. That's one way to do it.

b) The running of all banks, share exchanges, insurance markets, other financial industries, healthcare provision, pharmaceutical research, energy provision (automotive fuel, gas, water and electricity) and transport infrastructure (road, rail and air) to be taken over completely by a series of independently regulated, completely transparently run public organisations with the remit to keep costs to a minimum, co-ordinate the minimising of environmental impacts where relevant and generate funds solely for the public benefit. So no bonuses/ outrageous salaries for the bankers / executive and all the money generated to be used to reduce the need for individual taxation. While those managing and running these organisations could be incentivised with a decent (but not outrageous) wage, their jobs should be dependent on the degree to which they can produce a satisfactory performance and reviewed annually.

c) The introduction of a maximum wage, and a maximum amount of money an individual can possess. The maximum wage could be 10 times the minimum wage. No individual should be allowed to retain a personal fortune of more than £10 million quid at the current value, as this encourages them to become self obsessed, to push up property prices (by buying additional homes they don’t need), to horde resources and to contribute as little as possible. It also ruins their children’s chances of living productive lives as if you know you’re going to inherit daddy’s billions, you can run around behaving like an absolute shit to everyone without any fear.

d) The repealing of the laws which allow organizations, companies and other similar institutions to have human rights (i.e. to be able to own property and to sue and be sued.) The owners of these bodies should be directly liable for problems the organizations cause, such as pollution, and all these bodies should rent the properties they require for the body itself to be administrated for a reasonable and sustainable fee from the government; this would prevent companies from buying properties so they lose money and get tax breaks while keeping the property empty and unused. Also stockpiling houses as investments, driving up property prices and denying people places to live. As an aside, I’d also levy such taxes on the ownership of more than one residential property that it wasn’t worth having more than two (the one you live in and one additional one), thereby ensuring that every individual could have an affordable house which they own. Houses are for people to live in, not for companies and landlords to make fortunes from while keeping prices artificially high.

2) The immediate legalization of all narcotic drugs. If you need me to explain why, pick your knuckles off the floor, switch off Jeremy Kyle and listen up:

Criminalisation of drugs doesn’t work. If you object to the legalization of drugs on the basis that you or someone you know has had a problem, this is not an argument against the legalization of drugs but against their continued criminalization, as you / your friend experienced their problem despite drugs being illegal. It’s none of your business what I, a fully informed and cognizant adult, choose to do with my body. Criminalisation prevents addicts from getting treatment and very rarely punishes any large- scale dealers. It also allows criminal gangs to make fucktons of money which they can then spend on guns, as one example. There is literally no argument which holds any water against the legalization of all drugs so if you think you have one, you’re wrong.

Obviously, you have to ensure drugs can only be supplied to responsible, cognizant adults and as such everyone who wants some should have to be licensed to be able to buy them, consumption and trade should take place on licensed premises, and the taxation of the process should pay into the NHS. People who sell drugs to kids or any other non-licensed users should have their licenses removed and face at least a 5 year prison sentence. Which at least wouldn’t be so overcrowded what with probably half the prison population being there for drugs offenses, which by the way are only subject to such severe sanctions because those who profit from drug sales don’t pay tax.

Along the same lines, prostitution should be made legal to protect prostitutes and punters, and restricted to small-scale businesses with a maximum number of employees; this should be structured to ensure that security is provided by employees who work for the prostitutes, not the other way around. Rates should be standardized, pensions and sick pay provided and under no circumstances should people who are not doing the actual prostituting themselves be able to profiteer from those who are.

3) The restriction of governmental activities and powers by a considerable margin, the reduction of numbers of professional politicians by a considerable margin, the prevention of those politicians having any additional jobs or from profiting personally from their position in any way, even afterwards. So if they want to publish their memoirs, they shouldn’t make any money from them personally. Therefore, politicians who want to be politicians should do so because they want to be politicians, not because it’s a gravy train. The role of government should be restricted to basically guaranteeing the public-organisations previously detailed were fairly and correctly run and debating changes to legislation. Meanwhile all legislation should be subject to a review and referendum if a significant proportion of the population votes for it. We should also have any proposal to engage in war (other than defending our own shores from attack) ratified by a national referendum.

4) There should also be some rules regarding media.

a) Any political argument advanced by any newspaper columnist should be done so alongside another columnist advocating the opposing view.

b) Any invasion of personal privacy of anyone must be fully justified against strict criteria and demonstrated to be in the public interest; if this isn’t done, the owners and editing staff should be required to have cameras put into their offices and houses and the footage played (randomly cycled) on public TV, with highlights shows made and broadcast on major networks on a weekly basis (this same punishment should be extended to tax dodging businessmen or corrupt officials, once their assets have been stripped)

c) Any story which is proved inaccurate and requires the publication of an apology should have said apology printed in the next edition on the same page(s) as the original article, taking up the same space and using the same font sizes.

d) News media should be registered as tabloid or non-tabloid. Tabloids should then be exclusively responsible for celebrity news, reality TV regurgitation, pictures of semi-naked people and amusing stories about animals and rudely shaped vegetables. Non-tabloids should be exclusively responsible for reporting on politics, disasters, criminal investigations and other serious stories. The Daily Mail should then be abolished.

5) Citizenship – and voting rights – should be restricted to those who can prove themselves (in a reasonable, written test) capable of understanding the arguments needed to vote in a free democracy. They should also be restricted to those over 16 and either employed, retired from employment or who have paid into the national insurance scheme in the last 3 years. Tests should be taken once every 10 years, with free reapplications for failures every six months as long as the failures wish to participate.

6) Long-term unemployed should be housed collectively with less privacy than is afforded to, say, modern council-house tenants. Monetary benefits should be minimal – capped at around 10 pounds a week – and earned through keeping the commune clean and maintained and cooking. This money should be used as credit to buy goods in the communal shop (including fags and booze, but excluding lottery tickets; and they should be able to all chip in for a Sky subscription). However, great efforts must be extended to help those who wish to get into work, set up businesses and become productive members of society. Discrimination against people in these circumstances (say, for jobs) should be illegal and subject to severe sanctions. Whatever the standard of living here, it must always be far, far better than that of criminals in incarceration. No-one to be allowed to reproduce while living in these circumstances (yes, I’m talking forced abortions and forced sterilizations, including for the men who made the lady pregnant, via a DNA test). This whole policy to be fine-tuned on the basis that the poor should not be ghettoized and opportunity must always be provided, but those who deliberately choose to avoid work shouldn’t enjoy the same privileges as those who work for them.

7) Immigration applications should be granted on the basis of what can be contributed (skills) and proven need, and not prioritized for citizens of any particular country. Assistance for immigrants should include free language lessons for all who need them, but no benefits can be paid to anyone who hasn’t contributed already, and those who arrive with nothing would live in the communal situation described above.

8) Number of places on university and vocational courses should be decided by specialist external bodies on the basis that the correct numbers of skilled workers to fill roles should be trained each year (plus say 5% to balance out those who change occupation, need extended sickness leave or become pregnant); all tuition to be free; all courses to take up the same number of hours each week with more complex subjects like medicine and architecture to take more years to achieve qualification. All courses to include as much on-the-job experience as possible, this work to be paid to help with student’s living expenses. Rent-free communal-style student accommodation to be provided.

9) Free condoms for everyone of any age for any reason (including water balloons). Lowering of the age of consent to 15, but people between the ages of 15 and 18 may only have sex with other people between the ages of 15 and 18.

10) All care homes for the elderly and terminally ill to be provided for free; but everyone to be able to choose their own retirement age as long as they continue to perform their jobs effectively.

11) All responsibilities relating to parking and speeding enforcement to be devolved from councils and to an independent body. Parking restrictions to be enforced only when vehicles are blocking access. Clamping to be illegal. Fines for towed vehicles to be capped at 10% of the vehicles value.

12) The Human Rights Act (and similar legislation) to be replaced with a Human Rights And Responsibilities Act, in which everyone has to recognize the rights of others, punishments to fit crimes and health and safety rules to be limited in two aspects: firstly, that they can never be used to actually prevent anyone from doing anything (just make it safer) and secondly to ensure everyone is responsible for deciding themselves whether anything was actually a sensible thing to do and therefore not to be able to sue anyone if it turns out that any reasonable person would have thought that it wasn’t. Also, reproductive rights to be curtailed so no-one can produce more than two children per couple. Anyone who wants more should have to adopt an unwanted child.

13) Anyone who disagrees with Rampants to be thrown into the core of the earth until the population is down to a more reasonable level (say a billion humans worldwide). Utopia to inevitably follow.
(rampants, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 17:06, 20 replies)

More on sex
Following on from Turquoise Hexagon Sun's post:

Re-engineer humanity so that women are "in heat" for a few days each month. During that time, any man of fertile age would do.

So rather than all that mucking about with dating, you'd be walking down the street, when suddenly a woman would grab you, shag you senseless then wander off when she's done.

Think of how much simpler life would be for everyone!
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 16:59, 12 replies)

Following on from some Higher Education themed posts...
The accumulation of all varieties of University degrees should equal the total number currently required for the country to run, taking into account future trends, the shift from manufacturing to service industry etc.

That way we don't end up with 4 times as many forensic scientists as we have jobs each year.

Unfashionable subjects or skills shortages would be filled more effectively.

If there are only 10,000 places for Media Studies the best grades/best interviewees get priority, when the spaces are filled you should apply for something else. It's for your own good! You'll never get a job in it anyway if your A-Level grade was shit.
( JebediahSpringfield, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 16:57, 3 replies)

Ban coolness
Want to solve all of societies problems in one fell swoop? Ban everything that is 'cool'. From the smallest annoyances to the biggest social problems, banning cool would bring about a utopia.

And what a utopia! Every cyclist wearing a helmet and elbow pads, with a nice loud bell on their handlebar, every driver with two hands on the steering wheel (ten to two) and their full concentration on the road. Children would march politely to school in double file, wearing a high-vis jacket and holding hands with their walking partner.

Without cool music to listen to, nobody would want to do drugs. In fact, only non-cool drugs would be available, and none of those are harmful.

With all the time we'd save by not doing anything cool, we'd be forced to be productive. The debt crisis would vanish - the rich wouldn't be able to piss away their money on booze and yachts and ladies - they'd probably just hand it all back to the taxpayer when they realise that hardly anything uncool is worth buying.

Organised crime? I think you'll find that's cool. Guns? Some people seem to think they're cool, so that's enough for an outright ban. Smoking? Drinking? Looting? Pissing away your working day on teh interwebs? It doesn't get much cooler than that.

And when Samuel L Jackson is brought in front of the firing squad, weeping hot tears for his most subtle of crimes, when every good DVD, CD and book is burnt on the altar of anti-cool, when we gather every year around the flames of wicker-Fonzies, we will finally celebrate our re-lapsarian victory.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 16:55, 5 replies)

Bacon, Bacon and more Bacon.
Bacon is the most brilliant, fantastic, amazing thing ever invented.

It's damn tasty. It goes with just about everything. Got a Chicken you intend to roast? Put some bacon on it. Want a bacon dessert? Put it in Ice cream.

It works at any time of the day. Breakfast? Bacon + toast. Lunch? Bacon works here, too. Dinner? Fuck it - more bacon! Hungover? Bacon makes it all better.

It takes seconds to cook, be it frying or grilling. It's versatile in that you can have it crispy or not - it doesn't matter, it's bacon!

It can be stored in vacuum-sealed packets that preserve it for months at a time without ruining flavour or texture.

Wife/girlfriend pissed off with you? Make her a bacon sandwich and she'll forgive you and suck your cock mere seconds after eating it.

Bacon really does make the world go 'round.

Of course, not everyone enjoys bacon. There are some people who don't really eat it. Think, for a moment, the kinds of places where bacon isn't likely to be popular - the middle east, for example. Do you think this is a coincidence? I sure as hell don't.

My solution to fix the world, or at least the middle-east, is to make everyone eat bacon. Sure, some people will get pissed off that it's against their religion but fuck it, once that sweet, greasy goodness touches their tongues, they'll realise that bacon is better than 70 virgins and that the whole suicide bombing thing was probably all a big con. If Palestine starts farming pigs, Israel will stop fucking them up, become their friends and buy a shit-load of bacon from them.

Everyone will be happy - all thanks to bacon.
(Kushan just wants to fit in..to your mum, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 16:54, 4 replies)

You know that episode of Red Dwarf where Rimmer was on that world/planet where sex was encouraged as a healthy past-time?
That.
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 16:39, 4 replies)

Taking this one step further.... If I was God.
I'd ban ALL religion. Ridiculous thing.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 16:30, 7 replies)

I'd
1. Bring back chain gangs. Get prisoners working for their keep. Use them to pick fruit and veg to lower wage bills for farmers and stop the johnny foreigners taking the money, paint fences, pick litter, dig trenches etc.

2. Bring back traditional teaching with practical lessons for things like building a wall, plumbing and give the kids who aren't academic a proper trade.

3. Banks who've been bailed out need massive penalties (like when they happily charge you £27.50 for being £1.00 overdrawn as happened to me some years ago) and then take the millions and put it back into the system.

4. Money raised from taxation on banks should be used to pay policemen, teachers, nurses and others in the public sector a decent wage.

5. Parents should be allowed to properly discipline their children, which includes smacking.

6. Impose taxation on some imported goods which are easily manufactured in the U.K. If we can do it for ourselves, we shouldn't be sending our much-needed money abroad.

7. Protect our fish stocks. Why should the French and the Spanish come to our waters and take our fish? It's our territory so they can piss off.

8. Any foreign national complaining about how things are done in the U.K. should take their complaints to their local police station, who will then see that they are then sent back to their homeland.

9. Immediate deportation for any foreign national carrying any act seen as treason, incitement to riot or defamation of the State, such as burning the national flag or shouting abuse at the repatriation or funerals for members of the armed forces.


I'll stop now before I double the size of the interwebs.
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 16:25, 25 replies)

Half day mondays - you don't start work until 11:30 or 12:00
This means you can make proper use of your sunday. It's a proper weekend day so you don't have to go to bed early.
Also you don't get the monday blues so much, you can ease yourself into the working week. You go into work on Monday with an "oh, I'm going home in a few hours, I can handle that" attitude

Who's actually productive on a monday morning anyway?

A lot of businesses in france and holland and other parts of europe already do this.

You know it makes sense
( VampireMonkeyOnSpeed a super sexy sexual sex terrorist sex, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 16:24, 7 replies)

Cats
Any cat owner who allows their cat to roam freely around the neighbourhood should be legally obliged to fit the cat with a colostomy bag before letting it out of the house.
(widowwadman can't think of anything to say as usual, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 16:14, 3 replies)

People who complain about stuff on the internet
Tell them to just..... ya-know... chill!
(HandmadeLurkage it smells of farts in here, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 16:07, Reply)

Women
drivers should be made to display "W-plates". Also, they should all be sent to a "menstrual holiday camp" once a month during their periods.
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 15:57, 7 replies)

Wars are shit
but what if every war was fought with NERF guns and water balloons? I'm just saying...
(Rebooted Frazer Smoothly scrolling since, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 15:54, 2 replies)

Title Goes Here
make sure QOTW questions will lead to funny or interesting answers, rather than endless pages of dull daily-mail style ranting about the unemployeds and cyclists.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 15:54, 17 replies)

S.T.D's
Eradicate S.T.D's by drawing a line under all seventeen year olds' sex lives, not letting them sleep with anyone older than them. The diseases would disappear in three generations, as would a lot of experience mind you.
( The Lurker Plenty One, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 15:50, 2 replies)

Solitary confinement
in prison to be the norm, not a punishment. This would stop prisons becoming "universities of crime", and would stop bullying and brutalising of weaker and meek prisoners by stronger ones, as well as the culture of drugs and theft. It would virtually eliminate the risk of riots. There does not need to be complete isolation, just no contact with fellow prisoners - inmates would still have contact with warders, probation officers, chaplains etc. Work and exercise would still be possible, but in isolation. Punishments/incentives for bad/good behaviour would consist of adjustment to the nature of work undertaken and the degree of comfort and possessions permitted in cells. It would be a lot easier to prevent contraband such as drugs and mobile phones from circulation. Also, increased CCTV to prevent corrupt staff from passing contraband.
(How soon is now?, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 15:38, 6 replies)

Three pubes per ball should be taught in primary school
I'm sick of seeing non-regulation CDCs.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 15:38, 2 replies)

Space saving
Every bed in the NHS should be replaced with bunk beds thus doubling hospital capacities overnight.

Coupled with this all people requesting a burial funeral must be buried standing up to save space.
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 15:15, 15 replies)

Automated telephone services
I want to speak with real people, damn it!

I say start manufacturing all telephones with good ol' dials again, and then you bastards can try making me press *12654# only to hear the next endless list of options!

Also, even prices in the shops. You don't fool me with the £19.95, it's the fucking same as an even £20.00 and I don't have to walk around with a wallet so heavy you could kill a pig with it. Abolish coins, they are useless and make you fingers smell bad!
(Rebooted Frazer Smoothly scrolling since, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 15:03, 6 replies)