I went to the municipal tip last week.

It was rubbish.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 8:20, Reply)

I'll be back
My bessie mate's brother is a special effects bloke on fillums and that, so very handy to have around when it's fancy dress time. Did me up superbly as The Terminator (after he'd been shot in the face a bit) with embalming wax, a glowing eye, skin peeled away showing the metal underneath, the works.

Naturally I expected glowing reviews, and thought that being told by the fittest girl there that 'You're face is disgusting' was a bit harsh. Quicker than a quick thing, I said,'Yeah? Well you've got a fat arse.'

It was funny at the time. Honest.
(Hampton St.Roker (has probably had your mum), Fri 7 Apr 2006, 7:45, Reply)

80's Matchbox B-line Disaster
When I was 17, I was out on the town for my friends 18th.

We toddled off to a fee pubs that served underagers like us, then went to the local rock club for a gig, the gig was 'the 80's Matchbox B-line Disaster, that just rolls off your tongue when you are drunk.

Anyway sometime during the gig I walked up to where my mates wear by the front shouted 'POOFTER EH?' at the front man, just as he finished the track, so everyone heard. This bastard stomped across to where we were standing and cracked me on the head with the microphone, it hurt.
( Neon Blue Ah ha ha haa! I feel positively capital!, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 7:41, Reply)

Heckles
My first experience with real live Englishmen. I have, of course (as a Canadian), always looked up to you guys, and this sort of raised you up a couple notches.

It is a dark and stormy night. I am eight, perhaps nine. We are on a hovercraft, going from Oostende, Holland to Dover, England (I think). And in the front seats, a remarkable and beautiful thing is taking place in front of my pre-pubescent admiring eyes.

The craft (cushion of air my ass) has been rocking throughout the entirety of the trip, and two sloshed Angles are taking it upon themselves to heckle the captain. At first, they meandered along the usual lines of bloody boat, damn we're rolling like a, a roll, haha, bloody stupid Dutchmen, ha ha. And then about halfway through, they unify in a chant that continues the rest of the journey, and which has stayed with me forever. As follows:

You're not very GOOD! You're not very GOOD! You're not very, you're not very, you're not very GOOD!

Don't know if it's a traditional English hovercraft shanty or what, but it seemed to be a rally for them. And the way they sang it was quite strange.

Every so often, the captain would descend from the cockpit, stalk from one side of the craft to the other, looking put-upon and stoic, and as he neared the Englishmen, he would glare at them, and a beautiful Doppler effect would take place as they became aware he was somewhat pissed-off, and would quiet down, you're not very good.. you're not very good..

and as he walked off to climb back up to steer, or whatever, they would pick up momentum and by the time he came back around to glare, they would be chanting uproariously away, waving pudgy arms in the air and revelling in their power, and the whole thing started again. Never forget it.

Edit: Ahem.. *pop*
(Poogle, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 7:05, Reply)

We were watching the Mull Historical Society
supporting The Strokes before either were famous. MHS were somewhere between appalling and godawful turgid pap. Between the end of one boring number and the start of the next they stopped to no applause at all, merely an embarrasing silence. One of my friends shouted "You're shit" at the stage and all the members of the band stopped retuning and looked in our direction. Then the friend on the other side said in a matter of fact way "...and dull." Obviously not a particularly witty put down but I've never seen one so immediately effective. The audience broke into applause, the band stood there speecheless then tried to get through a few more numbers with the audience now talking in the security of knowing that nobody was trying to listen to the music. After ten minutes they shuffled off-stage to no discernable response.
( Zuowan, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 6:39, Reply)

and at an amateur stand-up gig....
On an impromptu (read stoned and unexpectedly flush with cash) sojourn across the water to Tasmania, I fell into some great company and discovered a party for that very night...score!

Turns out there were acrobats, singers, and some amateur stand-up comedians. After a few resident cocktails- the now-infamous Doris Daze- and spliffs found forgotten in my handbag, I began chatting and giggling in the crowd, while transfixed by the plumber's cleavage in front of me, with glitter from the young lady's hair adorning its unselfconscious nekkidness.

A young woman got up and started telling jokes about her newly maternal life, including the usual about the wanky bollocksy names people give their kids nowadays (I actually saw a website with pictures of newborn baby girl *Pepper* this week! The humanity!).

She began poking fun at the antics of a screaming mother at her playgroup desperately trying to call to order her terrible ADD toddler.....who was named Tranquility.

"TRANQUILITY!!! GET HERE NOW!!! STOP BITING THAT OTHER KID OR NO MORE RED CORDIAL FOR YOU!!!"

At this point, I couldn't let the image that sprang to mind go to waste without sharing it with my newfound friends...

"Hey, did she call him Tranny for short?"

I scored a night's accommodation and a 2 hour lift back to the port I was leaving from off the back of that one. Result!

Length? Please consider it when naming your bloody chav kids, or they could end up with an inappropriate moniker and get beaten up at school.

*Funny, my b3ta cherry twanged a lot louder than the real one*
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 4:39, Reply)

trivia night
there's a restaurant in my college town that does trivia monday night. my buddies and i are mostly there for the 1$ tall boy cans, and ripping into the mc, who slings it back just as hard. however, the crowd often includes teams full of drunk frat boy types, who have their little rival teams and whatnot. so one evening, two kids on different teams keep going at each other, and at one point are going back and forth across the restaurant in a "you wish..." "no, you wish...". after a few such exchanges, i pipe in with the juvenile "your mom wishes....she'd aborted." cue a silent restaurant, whilst my friends are in hysterics and i try to avoid eye contact with two angry fratty douchebags.nothing ever came of it.

we were asked to leave and not return when we submitted as an answer "shit on my dick, or blood on my knife?" while our answer turner-inner stood by the mc's table with a half cocked grin.
(iank, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 4:32, Reply)

I was only 13.
I loved Bruce Lee movies was I was younger. A few friends and I went to a weekend matinee to see 'Enter the Dragon' or something like that. A samurai raised his sword, grimacing and ready to strike.
I said in a loud voice, "BATTER UP!!!" Much laughter...
(OGH, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 4:26, Reply)

Here's one
Here's on that I just thought of.

"OI! B3TA! YOUR QUESTION IS SHIT!"
(DRAGONSLAYER, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 3:40, Reply)

Well,
I would have won the 1500 meters but i was late to school that day.
(DRAGONSLAYER, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 3:39, Reply)

I hate commercials at movie theaters
I used to go to the movies a few times a week and had the unfortunate pleasure of learning by heart all the commercials that played before the previews and main attraction.

There was a particular commercial for the Armed Forces. Cue various shots of soldiers in action, with the voiceover saying:

"It's not like any other job. Ours is a different experience. We're all over the world. And we love what we do." [sic]

Every time that commercial played in a crowded theater, I'd yell out "What's it like being a fluffer?!" just before the voiceover.
( Grampa, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 3:32, Reply)

Funeral
It was my uncle's funeral. Unfortunately, a bunch of his mates got boozed up beforehand. The priest doing the service was fresh off the boat from Poland, but his English was very good nonetheless. Still, he spoke with a strong accent, and in the middle of a prayer (in English), one of the pissheads yelled,

"SPEAK ENGLISH!!!"

My tiny mother went absolutely ballistic. I'd like to think that if it wasn't her brother's funeral, she would have ripped the bollocks off the heckler with her bare hands.
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 3:05, Reply)

a future beer commercial
I'm the guy who lives in South Korea. Most weekends I go to Skunk Hell, the country's only punk music venue. Lately we've had a lot of American soldiers coming out (but I couldn't think of any really good stories when that was QOTW). Last July 3, all the GIs were happy because the next day was a statutory holiday. I was teasing them because I'm Canadian and we have our national holiday three days earlier than them (not that there's any real benefit to that). I suddenly realised I was the only Canadian around.

The Americans basically lined up. One of my friends said "This is for Celine Dion" and punched me in the shoulder. I laughed and apologised. Another one said "This one's for Avril Lavigne" and gave me another shot. I apologised again. Then a big American skinhead said "This is for Brian Adams" and punched me in the stomach. It hurt more than it should but didn't wind me. I said "Wait a second, you guys all forgot about Shania Twain. Please let me apologise for unleashing her on the world." The American skinhead hit me in the stomach again.

We were standing on a sloped alleyway and I was a little higher up than him. At this point, I simply said "This one's for Britney," and elbowed the guy right in the solar plexus, knocking him to the ground and making him drop his beer so it sprayed out on two other Americans sitting nearby minding their own business.

Later he tried to give me a revenge shot, but I stumped him when I asked him to name a Canadian boy band. He admitted defeat.

I hope this fits the definition of heckling close enough.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 2:55, Reply)

Dylan Moran: the man, the legend
IN the middle of his Monster tour he played the academy in Glasgow. He comes on stage with a bottle of wine and explains he's just played in italy. All is well for the first half of the show.

Second half starts, and some drunk bint pipes up, slurring "Dylan, you're not in italy now. why are you drinking wine? Why not have a scottish drink?" The retort? "A Scottish drink? What, like a pint of temazepam?"

I almost shat.
(Rushy, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 2:52, Reply)

Janes Addiction
It was at the Metropol in Pittsburgh, PA touring on "Nothings Shocking". (Fall-1988) The band was awesome and played the hell out of the crowd and the album. Then toward the end, Perry was sticking his head out in a spotlight sing a slow quiet bit of a song ("Just Admit it Ted" I think) when someone shouts...

"Bowie did it first!"

and

"The bigger they are the harder they fall, man..."

>..<
( teknikl, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 1:56, Reply)

Phill Jupitus is shite
but I have seen one show where someone keeps shouting "shut up fatty!" at him, to which he replies "The only reason i'm fat is cos every time I fuck your dad he gives me a biscuit"

He's still shit though
( boyo81 was laying down his ordinance on, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 1:34, Reply)

Years ago now... (wobbly cross-fade transition)
Faith No More were playing in Ireland just after their keyboardist, Roddy Bottom, came out about being gay. My mate Lenny, a notorious slagger, managed to yell out during the one momentary lull 'Go on Roddy, you big bent bastard!'. The whole stadium heard. Needless the band were a bit pissed off with Mike Patton threatining to kick Lenny's head in, and poor Roddy was visibly upset for the rest of the gig. The whole place was directing very bad vibes Lenny's way. What compounded things was a group of kids taking up a chant of 'Roddy is a bender'.
(PsiPhi, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 1:23, Reply)

at a comedy club
when some pissed up knob starts shouting 'heard it!' at the comedian, which he puts up with for a few minutes, before rounding on him and shouting
'listen mate, this is my job. I wouldn't come to your work and knock the bin off your shoulder'

That'll learn him.
( boyo81 was laying down his ordinance on, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 1:22, Reply)

My mate is a keen arsenal fan...
...and he told me about a particular match he went to go and see.

This particular match was arsenal Vs man U at highbury, back in the days when dwight yorke was still at man u and shagging jordan. The teams were warming up and as mr yorke neared the crowd, one of the home supporters stood up and yelled:

"OI DWIGHT, HAS YOUR SON SEEN YOU PLAY FOOTBALL YET??"

Cue an unimpressed dwight yorke.

If you dont know why this is funny, just click 'I like this' anyway. You can work out why.
(widdy, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 1:13, Reply)

A case of "you had to be there"...
...so try and imagine that you were.

I saw a band called The Sea Nymphs (some of whom are in Cardiacs) supporting All About Eve 13 years ago.

It's fair to say the crowd didn't go for them. Between songs, dead silence (there were about 800 people there)... until one song ended and the silence was broken by one man screaming the following:

"PLAY SOMETHING GOOD!"

Nervous laughter in crowd. Band played on.

Couldn't stand them at the time myself. Oddly enough I rather like them now.
(DamoUK, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 0:52, Reply)

Sheffield Wednesday v Norwich
at Hillsborough with my season ticket over christmas a few years ago, and the Owls are taking a good old humping from Norwich City 5-0 with a Wednesday player sent off for good measure. Most of the crowd had left at 4-0 at half time, so the only people still there are the die-hard nutters, and people like me who are there for the laugh when and don't really care unless its close. with about 5 minutes to go during a quiet moment, and with Wednesday maybe looking like starting an attack, I stand up and shout "next goal winner!" to be followed by "nevermind..." after another crossfield pass went out for a throw in.

Got a fair mix of hearty laughs and glares from those still in the stands...

ps montyyouterriblecunt, don't steal heckles from David Baddiel's too much information tour video, someone will catch you out...
(captainwow No, not that one!, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 0:36, Reply)

a quick'n
We were watching a gig, the female singer used some really tame foul language, to which the guitarist said (jokingly) 'don't speak like that, your future parents-in-law are here' to which my mate shouted 'FUCK THAT!'
(Nibi, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 0:33, Reply)

On the tube...
i offered my seat to a woman standing under some shirts armpit, "who do you think you are?" exclaimed the woman

to which i replied "A gentlemen, i have obviously mistaken you for a lady"

is this OT?
(lovewookie, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 0:21, Reply)

My band got heckled
A few weeks back my band were playing a heat of a band contest in Haverhill (I think it's in Sussex, but it's a bit of a treck for me so I'm not sure), and we'd just played the only slow song in our set - we play kind of heavy indie - and it was one I'd written myself that I was pretty damn proud of. Cos there was a death metal band on before us and a (pretty good actually) rap metal band afterwards there was a bit of a biker-looking crowd there and one of them yelled "good fucking luck!" after the slow number. The luck worked though cos we won, so - needless to say - I had the last laugh.

No appologies for length, though our drummer has to for girth.
( Whillow, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 0:19, Reply)

Bottom
I went to see Bottom 2 live at the Portsmouth Guildhall with my dad when I was a young and slightly more sober girl. During the prison scene some drunk arsehole was constantly shouting insults until Adrian Edmondson calmly replied: "Why don't you fuck off to the bar and have a second pint?" That's my man.
(chakaflange, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 0:01, Reply)

Sorry another one so soon..
Back at Reading 2000, Daphne and Celeste announced that they were going to play on the main stage. The organisers knew nothing of this, but as a laugh, gave them a 30 minute slot between Blink 182 and somebody else.

More people came to see Daphne and Celeste than Blink 182 (who weren't great), to do one thing - throw stuff at them. They were on stage for approximately 3 minutes, where they were subjected to heckling and bottles of piss being thrown at them. They ran off crying, soaked head to foot in other peoples urine.

Later on at the signings tent, a crowd (including myself) had gathered to see if Daphne and Celeste would dare to come out into the open again. When the security guards noticed a distinct lack of teeny-boppers and instead a large number of sweaty, black t-shirt clad bottle weilding rockers, they announced that they wouldn't be coming out to sign anything. Many disheartened souls started to walk off, but for some unknown reason in my drunken haze I started to chant 'DAPHNE AND CELESTE!' over and over again, until everyone in the crowd joined in. 5 minutes later Daphne and Celeste stroll out to the signing desk all cleaned up wearing lip gloss, only to be faced moments late by a hail of piss filled bottles and mud.

Oh the beauty of that moment will remain with me always.
(Biromunch, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 23:54, Reply)

I was on stage
Cos I can play piano a bit and my form tutor roped me into this. This was, oooh, 3 years ago and I wasn't the best ever...hanyway. Buggered it up riiight at the end of the first solo song, so I just laughed it off, being the true performer I am, and announced "a bit of free-form jazz for you there" then walked off. Got a little chuckle, though I suspect that was more out of pity than anything else.
Come the time when I had to go back on stage, I sat at the piano and someone stage-whispered "Oh God, not Mozart again"
The Head Teacher stood up, pointed at her and announced that she'd be getting a detention for that. All the parents clapped. Someone hooted, which was a bit much. I looked at her and laughed. If she was able, she would have faded from existance right then and there.
Cheers, Mr. B.
(Gat Bandish I've got wood in my soul, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 23:38, Reply)

Alexei Sayle
Audience: Random unfunny heckle

A.S.: "I'd rather be up here spouting shite, than down there shouting spite."
(Prince of Prance, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 23:37, Reply)

I'm never brave enough...
...to heckle, but the best I ever heard consisted of just one word.

I went to see '28 Days Later' the day it came out in a cinema in Cambridge. We watched the introduction, all giggled when it mentioned that the psycho monkeys were unleashed in a lab in Cambridge, and then came the long, top down, drawn out shot of the naked man lying on a hospital bed. I felt uncomfortable, like any man would, looking at another fella's todger, and there was an uneasy silence throughout the cinema until someone shouted...
"COCK!"
Que much sniggering... It wasn't that funny, but I did have to bite my tongue to silence myself.
(Biromunch, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 23:21, Reply)