neighbours
they offer tours to punters round ramsay st led my members of the cast, and the story goes that one day Harold Bishop was taking the tour. at the end he asked if anyone had any questions.

Some bloke replies 'Yeah, Harold, why are you such a fat cunt?'

Harold, quick as a flash, replies, 'because every time i fuck your mum she gives me a biscuit.'

I want it to be true, maybe it is.
(bossypops, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 13:42, Reply)

Here's another
Here's a chant well known on internet websites such as b3ta.

"YOUR ANSWER, YOUR ANSWER, YOUR ANSWER IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY"
(DRAGONSLAYER, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 13:39, Reply)

Charlie Chuck
Charlie Chuck's compere in Guisely, near Leeds, last night in fact...

Comedian is piss-poor and is struggling. He wants to get the audience focused on arses so he can do some scatalogical material and win his crowd back. He offers the following rhetorical question to the audience: "You know where you get a tetanus jab, right?"

Voice from the back: "Otley."
(Super Jet Shoes, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 13:39, Reply)

Years and years ago
I saw Oasis on what was probably their first national tour before they were well known and famous at a local venue. When they started to insult the crowd, who weren't really that impressed the response from me and my mates was 'throw the fat man! throw the fat man!' chanted repeatedly until our friend fat Dan, 5ft 1 and 17 stone came back from the toilets. We then proceeded in time honoured fashion to swing him back and forth by his arms and legs before launching him at the stage. As two of us worked there we weren't thrown out but threatened by the band (ooh they're so tough), so I bit the rim off my guiness glass (which is easy to do quite safely if you know how) and spat it at them.
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 13:31, Reply)

Apocalyptica
Re: Tiny Chocolate Wontons (page 2) - Yes, apocalyptica are fucking amazing. Saw them supporting Rammstein and since then have become a massive fan of them. Their own original stuff is pretty damn good too.

Sorry, as you were.... :)
( Mike Fishcake teamfishcake.co.uk - better than your mum's face, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 13:28, Reply)

sorry if someone has already posted this
i read years ago in something about some comedian (memory boy here) doing a terrible star trek routine which was dying on stage and some guy in the audience says 'its comedy jim, but not as we know it'. Thought that was cool
(shanvishnu, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 13:24, Reply)

I threw a big bottle of piss at Daphne and Celeste
but then again, so did everybody else
( The Beast can't help looking at womens breasts on the tube, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 13:22, Reply)

I presume somebody's posted Bill Hicks vs Freebird already, so I won't.
I went to Return of the King with my rather more streetwise friend Emmanuel. He has a heavy accent, like a rastafarian. At the end he said "Rahbatibuma, when's dis film gonna end mon? Shit!"

Everybody murmured agreement.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 13:16, Reply)

At a Justin Moorhouse* gig...
...a pissed up fella at the very front starts constantly interupting - not even heckling. I mean, talk about asking for it.

Justin's response; "Will you stop interupting me while I'm working!? I don't show up whilst you're at work and start slapping the cocks out of your mouth do I?"

Class.
* kenny junior to most.

/edit: arrrgghh fanoir, i think we were at the same gig!
(saaaaaaausage you say?, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 13:03, Reply)

Glasto again...
comedy tent many, many years ago.

comedian is not too bad but is having a hard time as there's some 8 year old pikey kid stood right at the front shouting obscenities at him, every offensive thing you could possibly imagine. this goes on for some time. then the comedian just gets really pissed off and asks 'are your parents here?' to which pikey-boy replies 'fuck no, you cunt' (i'm paraphrasing). so comedian walks to front of stage, gets his dick out and waves it mere inches from the child's face while describing how he's going to take him backstage and abuse him in grotesquely graphic detail.

took a few seconds for the audience to remove the shocked expressions and replace them with tears of laughter.
(Professor Yaffle now with added sodium, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:58, Reply)

heckle responses
Similar to one below - Justin Moorhouse at a comedy club in Stoke, had been getting interruptions throughout from the front row. "Look mate, I'm trying to do a show here, its my job so let me get on with it. I don't come down to the docks and knock cocks out of your mouth."
Brendon Burns is a true champion though. A small gig, and some tool giving grief shouts "I've fucked your Mum." Burns then proceeds to very politely ask the gentleman his age (mid 20's) and comment on his appearnce, over which he obviously takes care. Confused, the heckler plays along. Burns then reveals to the crowd that his mum is not much of a looker and around 65 years old, and so the man's earlier claim reflected quite poorly on him, and was in fact 'a big win for my mum'. Awesome. Apols for length - first time poster...
( fanoir keep empowering yourselves, you bitches!, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:56, Reply)

another at the cinema...
it's the final installment of the Matrix, a hushed audience settle in for the tear jerker scene where neo has to say 'goodbye' to his true love.
unfortunatly this goes on a bit and looses any sympathy the audience may have.
after even longer eventully somone in the audienece just shouted "Just fucking die!" at the screen.


made me laugh
( KittyWaste lives at Sleepingplanet.com, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:54, Reply)

Daniel Kitson at the comedy store in Manchester
My mate who was well lubricated and leery pipes up during Kitsons inspired set 'Oi Kitson, tell us a joke'

DK (without missing a beat) - 'Knock Knock'
Mate - 'Whose there?'
DK - 'Your a cunt'

GENIUS!!!!
( lord turkey boy and the cleft of venus, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:51, Reply)

Workmate of mine was getting picked on...
By some random pub comedian who was making "kiddy fiddler" jokes at his expense.

His comeback was a rather agressive-sounding "Look mate, you call me a paedophile one more fucking time and I will come round your house and fuck your kids!".

There was a short silent pause before the audience cracked up.
( wangmaster2000, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:50, Reply)

Godspeed You Black Emperor!
Montreal-based post-rock miserablist collective Godspeed You Black Emperor! played a gig at the QM Union at Glasgow Uni a few years ago - 2002, I think it was. It was a sold-out gig, and the hall was mobbed, hot, smoky and sweaty. The band played a set-load of their trademark sombre orchestral cresendoing music (very nice it was too), and went off for a cup of tea and a sit down.

The crowd started calling for an encore and, sure enough, the band came back on stage and started preparing to play again. At this point, someone in the crowd started drunkenly bellowing the spoken-word monologue from the start of "Dead Flag Blues", instantly familiar to GYBE fans:

"The car is on fire!"
"and there's no driver at the wheel!"
"and the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides!"

...and just as he drew breath to finish the verse with the ominous...

"and a dark wind blows"

*someone* preempted him with a sneaky

"and it's murder on the dancefloor!"

which got a laugh from the crowd, and I'm sure I saw a couple of members of the band grin, which is probably some kind of first.

No apologies for length, but apologies if the exclamation mark in GYBE's name isn't correctly placed for the era.
(wingnutkj, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:50, Reply)

the owner of the hotel i live in´s daughter
was serving a guest and worked out the bill really quickly, he said
"that´s strange, a woman that can think" (in german)
and her reply was
"that´s also strange, a pig that can talk"
( SickRik float like a camembert sting like a brie, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:33, Reply)

sebastien tellier
i went to see him and his band perform over two years ago at a festival (for some reason the NME is at the moment giving good reviews to the "politics" album, released over here in france two years ago)... anyway, the actual gig was in a small room, and was quite crowded... and was shite. And he talked a lot to the crowd, so at one point some lag went (in french obv) "Sebastien?", and Sebastien goes "Oui?" with an earnest look on his face. "Playing live isn't really your thing is it?" comes the answer from the crowd. Well it made some of us laugh anyway.
(Alaning, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:32, Reply)

"Are you on 'Faking It?'"

(Garnett, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:28, Reply)

About As Funny As Death
Sort of fits. Me and a group of mates wandered into our slightly dodgy local one night and after our second beer noticed the lounge was a bit fuller than usual. A few moments later all becomes apparent as a terrible comedian starts his act. How did I know his act was terrible already you ask? Well imagine the quiet pub murmur being interrupted when a man who looks like he should be appearing on Crimewatch under the title 'Paedophile Hunt' wanders over to an impressively loud cd player and presses the play button. There then starts, no kidding, five minutes of recorded crowd chanting at a deafening level coming from the speakers, occasionally punctuated by his name. A distinct difference between the stunned silence from the people in the pub. This is a pretty good sign he's going to be terrible. The definitive proof comes in the use of the word 'nigger' in his opening line.

It's at this point we grab our stuff and walk into the other room as obviously as possible. As we leave I turn and see this little glint in his eye but think nothing of it. Until a few moments later that is. Just as we get settled in the other room we can (sadly) still hear him over the speakers next door. I hear him say "Watch this." and, lo and behold, he appears behind the bar in the room we've moved to, grinning at us (whoever invented wireless microphones is an arse). The smug get then starts into this little rant about how we've accidentally gone into the wrong room and how we're missing the hilarious entertainment. I turn round and tell him its a private party as casually I can manage, sure he's about to humiliate me. Sure enough he thumbs his nose and starts parroting me in a faux posh accent. "Oh I say, a private party, don't you know!" Needless to say I'm a smidge pissed off but then I'm suddenly struck by inspiration. I turn back to him making my bottom lip quiver and say, in a voice cracking with emotion, "Fuck off! We're having a wake you bastard!"

I can't explain how much I enjoyed seeing his jaw drop and the sound of his muttered apologies drifting from the speakers next door.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:23, Reply)

Red Card Comedy Club, 2005
A London based comedian (Micky Flanagan - reviews here www.chortle.co.uk/comics/comics.html?http&&&www.chortle.co.uk/comics/mflanagan.html) was visiting our town, and began taking the piss out of one of our group, who looks a bit like Jesus. "Oy, Jesus, where's yer kaftan?" he said.

I felt duty bound to intervene after noticing his buttons weren't done up correctly, and the conversation went thus:

DP: How can you laugh at his appearance when you can't even do your buttons up, you scruffy twat.
COM: Oh, sorry Mr Fashion. I'm not wearing a tie either, does that offend you?
DP: No, you just look like a fucking oik.
COM: Ooooooh! Where are you from?
DP: Sheffield.
COM: (hesitates) Got any cutlery on you?
DP: (raising two fingers) Yes. Fork off.

I felt very proud, until I discovered he'd ended his set 20 minutes early following the abuse the rest of our table gave him for not making mincemeat of me.

I saw him again 3 weeks later, and he was excellent.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:15, Reply)

Punchline.
I once blurted out a better punchline to some random female comic's joke than her own. She looked embarassed as she thanked me.

To be honest I probably fancy myself as more of a wit than I actually am, but either way it is to be noted that although you'd think being the fat bloke with bright blue hair in the second row would single you out for some comedic attention, more often than not they leave me well alone. Maybe it was a bit too obvious that I was asking for it?
( wangmaster2000, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:15, Reply)

"I'm not scared!"
Many years ago when I was about five, I'd gone to see Charles Dickens' 'A Christmas Carol' at the theatre. It was at the point near the end when the ghost of christmas future appears. He was at least seven foot tall, wearing a long black cloak that was ripped and torn, and a large hood shadowed his face. He spread out his arms and then was lifted another four foot in to the air, his long cape still touching the stage as smoke drifted across the ground.
At five years old this bloody terrified me, but I didn't want to let on how scared I really was. So as this tense moment takes place and everyone is silent, a little voice echoes from somewhere near the back, "I'm not scared!"
Well at this, the whole place erupts with laughter and there's some laughter from Scruge too.
So I spoilt that performance.
( Fluffy elephants, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:11, Reply)

Seem to be a lot of Cinema heckling being posted...
During the trailers for the main feature, one of the Red Bull adverts came on.

Screen: ...."Red Bull gives you wings"

Lad in front of me, a little too loud in a totally quiet cinema: "Red Bull gives me shits".

Made me laugh, anyway.
(kidcamel is due to call your mum at, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:08, Reply)

Man at C&A
Richard Morton (you may have seen him on TV in the early days of Channel 5) used to be part of a musical "comedy" double act. He played at our Uni back in about '89, and they were pretty good. Except that they came back about three months later - and told all the same jokes, word for word. So we knew the punchlines, and, erm, helped him out.

Morton: "This is a song about premature ejaculation..."

Us: "It's called 'Even an egg takes three minutes'"

Comedians have no response to hecklers who know their material as well as they do.


And then there was the time I got a round of applause and brought the show to a complete halt during "The Rocky Horror Show" at the Birmingham Hippodrome though judicious shouting of the words "John Major", but that's another story...
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 12:05, Reply)

Best response
to a heckle i've heard was from Adam Bloom. There was a guy in the audience who was starting to annoy everyone else as his heckling had been terrible all night, just shouting 'You're shit...wanker....crap!'. Adam Bloom stopped mid-sentence, turned to him and said "Listen mate, why don't you just save your breath so you can inflate your girlfriend later on". Class.
(Covered In Bees, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:57, Reply)

Not a heckle
Having a penchant for the crazee guitar bands of the mid to late 80s, I found myself watching WASP at the Wedgewood Rooms in Portsmuff. Them being pretty rubbish and me being pretty drunk, I entertained myself by tying the shoelaces of the bassist together. (If you've ever been there, you'll know that they don't bother with nancy boy stuff like security or cordons). Rik Fox to his great credit managed not to fall over, but did do a funny little dance which was very well received by the people of Pompey. Mr Fox seemed quite grateful that he was suddenly thrust from a supporting role into the limelight of adulation - he gave me his pint. well he poured it over my head.
(Mr Broadtrousers, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:49, Reply)

Spiderman heckle
For some reason I went to see the first Spiderman film when it came out a few years back. At the end when he turns the girl down for whatever reason (not that memorable a film, really) some guy in the audience took exception to the rejection and shouted out "Homo!"

Not desperately witty perhaps but still, made me laugh and it's the only thing I remember from the film.
(The Sun King, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:34, Reply)

Once in a place in South London
This guy, Stephen somebody, was not having a great time, due, in part, to some pretty inspired heckling. At one point he waited for silence, and said something like "You know, I came here to perform and I'm trying hard, so the least you could do is be polite". And in the ensuing silence, a guy in the crowd stood up and replied, "Stephen, we'd be ever so grateful if you would please leave the stage."
(Garnett, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:33, Reply)

Pirates Vs The Force
Genius this one. We were sat in the cinema waiting for Revenge of the Sith to start up - the place was packed.

The standard warning boomed out of the speakers

"Piracy is a crime"

And a lone pirate voice cried out

"Aaarrrrrrgh"

The whole cinema erupts into laughter.
(fried gold, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:31, Reply)

Production of the play Peter Pan at the National Theatre, about 8 years ago.
Right at the end of the play there is a moment where Peter comes back to the nursery and discovers the now grown up Wendy's daughter fast asleep. He takes out his dagger and holds it above the innocent sleeping child's head poised to act his revenge on Wendy for growing up. It's a tense and quite dark moment and the whole theatre was silent. Apart from, that is, a small girl in the back of the Circle, who was obviously very caught up in Peter's thought process and shouted, very clearly "DO IT!". Much laughter from the rest of the audience.
( brianftang www.brianftang.co.uk, Fri 7 Apr 2006, 11:23, Reply)