Why my mother shouldn't be allowed on the internet...
Not sure it was an innuendo in the true sense of the word but it was certainly accidental and undeniably hilarious when my mother (looking for baby clothes for her granddaughter) could not get www.famoussas.com to load on her puter.

She decided my brother must have given her the wrong spelling and instead tried to shop for baby clothes via www.famousass.com. Ultimately unsuccessful.

Don't even ask about the family meal that involved me having to explain to her what spit roasting meant.
(axlette, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:34, Reply)

Scientists are immature, stop me when you get sick of these (pt.5)
The instrument to which I keep referring contains an interferometer*, which is kept in a stiff metal box to protect it in flight. In order to prevent vibrations from affecting the delicate bits inside, the thing has to be evacuated.

This box is currently being pumped on an optical bench in the lab.

*_{Fnar, fnarr, fnaar. Can anybody suggest a scientific instrument with a more dubious name? EDIT: Yes, I can. I just remembered it's a dual-input interferometer!}
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:33, 4 replies)

Ticket to Hull
In my younger days I was forced to use buses to get about and was boarding such a vehicle on my way to Berkhamstead (as if that isn't funny enough).

The stop I needed was named for the old pub it stood aside, "The Old Cock Hotel".

Cue me and mate getting on the bus and me without engaging brain announced to the driver: "Single. Old Cock.".

This sent my mate into a fit of laughter prompting me to look up from the handful of coins I was sifting through to meet the scornful glare of the elderly gentleman who drove the bus, who clearly thought it was a dig at him.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:29, 1 reply)

Reallywittyname reminded me
of when my husband had a suspicious mole on his back. When he accepted my opinion that this needed checked (ie I finally nagged him into submission), he trotted off to the doc.

A young female locum examined the mole and informed him, in all seriousness,

"Yes, MrWitch, we really do need to have it off"
.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:25, Reply)

easy...
Used to work with a girl - very pretty face but complete KNOCKOUT body. Ex gymnast and figure skater. Great tits. Us lads even imagined the noise they might make 'coming to rest' which to us sounded like 'fud dud dud du dudd'.

So she was popular around the office. If she was aware of the effect she had, she should have won an Oscar - picture of innocence (woman all over the board go 'yeah rigHT!)

So one day while packing some bulky items that had to go out to clients she became increasingly frustrated. After much grunting and harrumphing in complete exasperation she screamed from behind a screen..

"If someone doesn't come and help me stuff this huge thing into my box right now I'm going to go nuts"

Cue 5 seconds complete silence then the entire office fall apart.

Lovely girl. Great norks. Not a clue.

!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:20, Reply)

Bit of a hostel reception
Whilst backpacking through South Africa with the gf and my best mate we arrived at the Port Elizabeth hostel in the evening on the backpacker bus. This essentially meant a dozen of us arrived together and we'd spent the previous few hours on a minibus being jolly and chatting. So within our little group the ice was properly broken.

So picture if you will the "resident bitch"* who was there to do the meet n' greet not being entirely delighted to find a dozen sweaty backpackers interrupting her planned evening of TV rubbish.

She got on with checking us all in, which essentially meant give someone a room number and take their cash. The gf and I had a double room and best mate was in one of the shared dormitory/bunk rooms.

So, evidently it was the procedure at this hostel to give us weary travellers "the tour". Now frankly the 12 of us couldn't give a monkeys, we were hungry weary and bored. We wanted to shower, eat then drink!

"Resident Bitch" was having none of it and went on at length about proper ettiquette for the kitchen, labelling food in the fridge etc etc. Eventually we go to looking round the rooms and "dropping" people off as we reached their room number.

We reached one room, best mates room, which had just 1 of the 6 beds vacant. It was the top bunk and "Resident Bitch" announced hers was the bed on the bottom bunk (in case we needed to find her).

To which I piped up to my mate "Looks like you're on top then!".

I meant it innocently... really I did. The silence only made it worse. Everyone was looking at me and I was blissfully ignorant to what I'd said... the penny dropped when the Aussie bloke fell about laughing, the steely ice glare from Resident Bitch cut right through me and best mate went as red as radish.

That was it, the tour was over. Not so much that she wouldn't continue more that we as a group wouldn't listen. We were reduced to a bunch of giggling school children who've finally learnt their enemies weakness. She was defeated.

*It's common practice in hostels for a casual backpacker to work an evening/day or two a week in exchange for free accommodation. As such they're not so much suited to the job as cheap and available (Ooh! There's another one!).
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:19, Reply)

I went through a phase
where I would say "Back in your box, chocolate." as a mild humorous rebuke to someone interrupting me or otherwise rudely demanding attention. Until the day that I used it before noticing the person interrupting was younger then me, angrier than me, and black.

My attempt to explain that I was alluding to a Quality Street assortment cut no ice, I'm afraid.
( Udderbelly A tale of four titties, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:18, Reply)

My purple helmet
Replaced my helmet recently (the one I wear when riding my scooter, not some kind of weird penis surgery) and sought out the closest I could find to a purple one, because I'm childish. This sits on the cupboard behind me, and seems to be what everyone chooses to play with when they come and speak to me.

A particularly pretty colleague came over to discuss an important matter, and, as is the custom, stood there fondling my head gear. Having resisted the temptation to comment on her actions throughout the conversation I was feeling quite pleased with myself for demonstrating such maturity. Of course, she swiftly ruined this when she apologised for stroking my helmet.

I laughed, a lot. Then the penny dropped and she blushed a lot then ran back to her desk and didn't speak to me for the rest of the day.
( Moey, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:18, 2 replies)

This really was in the 70s
...back when I was a wee nipper in primary school. Each day, while waiting for all the different classes to file into the hall for assembly, they'd put on a record (kids: a 'record' was a physical disc used to distribute music before the advent of teh 1nt0rw3b -- no, really) for us to listen to.

On this particular day, we were treated to a song about which I've forgotten everything save that it included the words, "on the breast of a wave". Naturally -- all of us being under the age of twelve and not possessing the mature and sophisticated sense of humour of those who, say, nowadays frequent b3ta -- we began to chuckle and titter amongst ourselves.

At this point, one of the (female) teachers turned to us and intoned,

"If you can't be quiet, we'll have to have it off!"

Oh, how we laughed.
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:17, Reply)

Smoking a joint behind the school bikesheds (many moons ago)
The joint had been rolled in a rush, and it was a bit hard to get a decent draw

Ross: "It's a bit tight, innit?"

Sarah: "Yeah, you have to suck really hard to get anything to come out"

The resulting fit of giggles lasted well into the next period.

Good times
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:17, Reply)

Boxes.
I had stared my new job at a posh office about a month before. A week ago, we had installed a new photocopier which was used as the main printer as well.
We use the Mailbox function on the copier to store print jobs, but there was some difficulty setting one of the computers to print to the mailbox. Of course, that computer belonged to the fittest bird in the office - and there is strong competition here, I'll tell you. (I still haven't figured out where it's safe to look.)
Fit Bird is standing in front of the printer, waiting for her print job to arrive. When it didn't happen, she turned to me and exclaimed "Nothing ever comes in my box! This is so frustrating!"
I struggled to keep my face from turning as red as hers, and mumbled something about promising to check the settings.
I then made sure there was plenty coming in her box.

*Last bit may not be true.*
(w4I4q1O1 was hard at work on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:14, Reply)

Autumnwatch last year
Bill Oddie did come out with:

"That's a classic beaver shot there"

on BBC2 before the watershed!

(It was over footage of water beavers swimming about, but it made me laugh)
(ricky_darkholer is blonde on the inside, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:14, Reply)

Best innuendo ever
This one is from over 15 years ago when my best friend and his fairly long term, for 13, girlfriend were discussing visits to each others houses. Bear in mind that her grasp of English was somewhat limited at the best of times.

"He's always coming up mine but he gets pissed off when I try and come up his."

Obviously we fell about laughing while being female his girlfriend was oblivious.

(First post)
(karma365, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:13, Reply)

'cello
I heard this tale in reference to Benjemin Brittan, but I ain't certain.

However, there was once a venerable and well respected conductor working with an equally renown orchestra. All was going well with the bloke in front waving his arms about the place like a loon and all the musicians strumming, banging, parping to their heart's content (or whatever it is that they do). But there was a problem with one member of the string section; a female cellist just wasn't doing it right - all out of tune/time; really just spoiling it for everybody else.

The conductor stops waving his arms about and taps his stick on the thingy in front of him, there is a hush. He turns his attention to the lady cellist and says," Madam, between your legs you have one of the most wonderful instruments known to man, and all you can do is to sit there and scratch it."
(conanow, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:10, 3 replies)

Just a bit ago, and before reading this QOTW
A colleague asked if I had a particular form. As I began to rummage through one of my file cabinets I was heard to quietly say, "My drawers are getting really messy and full these days."
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:08, 2 replies)

Oh god, they're popping out all the time now...
...someone just knocked on the door and asked after one of the other guys in my office. My reply?

"I think he's just gone upstairs to play with his equipment."

This QotW will be the death of me...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:07, Reply)

Have we had this one already?
A female US newsreader handing over to the male weatherman, regarding the non-appearance of forecasted snow -

"What happened to that 8 inches you promised me last night Bob?"
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:07, 1 reply)

A bar job (f'nar)...
I was once working in a small, old-fashioned pub which had a U shaped bar which served both the 'Lounge' and the 'Bar'. My side became very busy and so the landlord piped up to the girls serving the opposite side and said;

"Sonia, can you come around here and relieve Chris."
(slightly76 is Capt Bleh., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:06, 2 replies)

It was funny at the time..
Quite a while back I used to work at an IT firm in Sheffield that ,as well as supplying the local businesses, had a specialist contract for supplying home PCs to disabled Uni students in the local area. The people we supplied kit to varied from genuinely disabled students to ones that had been out drinking, fecked their writing hands up and recieved a grant for them to recieve a mid range PC to finish their coursework on.

As the injured/disabled students couldn't lag a PC round their Uni with them we also supplied a dictaphone so they could record the lectures and type them up when they got home. We had to schedule a follow up call a month after the install to check everything was ok, etc (The usual customer response shite).

Around August/ September was the busiest time and a number of unlucky sales blokes got lumbered with making the follow up calls all day (Muggins here was away the day they were asking for volunteers so I was added to the list).

The calls quickly became tedious with the usual clients bitching that their system was more expensive and a lower spec than one they saw on the Dell website/ filled with viruses/ couldn't run Doom 3 (told you it was a while back). This all came to a head when one of the clients I called had a bit of a gripe about the dictaphone we had supplied:

Student: Whats the point of supplying this tape recorder?
Me: You mean the dictaphone, its to record your lectures so you can remember what was said and write up you're own notes afterward
Student: Why I'll just copy them off someone else, its shite
Me: Sorry about that, we have to supply them as part of the agreement with your university
(evil mischeivous Mon switches on inside my head)
Just to let you know that I actually own a dictaphone myself
Student: Really? Do you use your dictaphone?
Me: Nope I use my fingers like everyone else (bursts into laughing and slams phone down)

The bloke sat next to me (also on customer service calls) thought this was hilarious and will still break down laughing at the joke nowadays,sometimes dropping whatever he is doing (the novelty of it has worn off for me). The bloke has since left the world of IT sales to become an ambulance driver- this may not have anything to do with it but if by chance you're picked up by an ambulance in Sheffield and feel like making the journey to the local hospital a bit more risqué, then yell out "Do you use your dictaphone?" as I guarantee that he'll probably let go of the steering whell while laughing his ass off.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:04, 1 reply)

Back when I worked in the sweetie factory
The factory superviser and I got on quite well. She was in charge of the machine that bagged the loose sweets.... the loose sweets went into a hopper at the top of a large machine and were slowly shaken out onto a conveyor belt and down into the bagger. Or something, I was rarely near the machine.

I'll never forget though, the day she came into the tea room and said she was gonna have to get the manager to buy her a new vibrator cos the last one had worn out.....

Apparently, it's what shook the sweets out of the hopper, but I think it was freudian.....
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:03, Reply)

Wow I have one this week !!!
A colleuge at work was hacking her guts up with a cold, I remarked "That's quite a chest on you..." silence... yes she was well proportioned in that department and was wearing a low cut top.

All I could say was "I meant the Cough" then dipped head and walked away sharpish. They are quick to cry sexual harrasment in the public sector.
(Doogie Talons, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 15:02, Reply)

Accidental innuendo in your face
I suppose my Gran (who’s still alive bless her), managed to deliver the best and most inappropriate piece of accidental innuendo during Sunday lunch one time she came to visit. This occasion also happened to coincide with a visit from my girlfriend who was trying out ‘the whole getting to know the family’ thing.

We were in the middle of eating a roast chicken and Gran was talking to my girlfriend and she was bemoaning the fact that she couldn’t get proper chicken from her butcher’s anymore as the supplying farm had started to sell it elsewhere.

This led to the immortal…

“That butcher down the road from me can’t give any of his sweet tasting cock meat to me anymore as he just can’t get enough of it for all his customers. I bet you’d love a bit of that cock meat if I could wangle some from him.”

As this was delivered in a deaf Gran-type way (i.e. 120dB) it stopped everyone eating and my family’s faces all looked like they had been carved from petrified wood.

My poor girlfriend muttered an affirmative assent.

I had to resort to snorting my own septum into my sinus cavity to prevent a laughing haemorrhage.

Poor old Gran then started squinting around and asked why everyone else had stopped talking.

We never had the heart to tell her.

Also,

I won’t go into the ordeal of me attempting to swallow 3 of my fingers to stop myself expiring when my parents took my younger cousins to the zoo recently and my mum cooed “hello there goaty red bum” to the red, swollen, distended back end of a goat.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:59, Reply)

Was talking with a friend
about laxatives, poo and and arses, as one does, when out of the blue she says:
"I'm impartial to the occasional arse crack"

One of my exams this summer was Analytical Chemistry. They didn't leave very much space on the front of the paper so I unwittingly shortened it: Anal Chem

Don't ask about Highest Occupied Molecular Orbitals

Length? All about the arse
(alpha doesn't have a witty phrase to write here, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:59, Reply)

Not strictly an inuendo
...but one science lesson a while ago we were doing that shit where you mix some fluids in a vial with the whole class, to learn about how STD's can be passed around. Naturally there was much giggling (even thought we're year 10), and everyone was "shagging" their mates or someone they knew. Cue me;
*Walks up to mate, shall be called "A"*:Alright. Fancy a shag?
"A": Sure
Me: Want to mix these too? *holds up vial*
Cue shitloads of "ewww" and "eurgh" and "you big gay". Now I'm fine but the way he reacted makes me think he may not be comfortable with his own sexuality...
(TMAce needs to enter another image challenge sometime, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:58, Reply)

Simon Groome
Blue Peter - sometime in the 1980; piece on the restoration of a couple of large door knockers from York Cathedral (I think). The piece comes to an end and the camera cuts back to Mr Groome seated on the sofa. He takes his cue and comes out with; "I think we all agree that they are a magnificent pair of knockers"

12 year old schoolboy hilarity for weeks after
(conanow, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:58, 3 replies)

Science continues to be puerile (pt.4)
The instrument I'm working with is designed to be mounted on an aircraft.

Apparently, after each flight we all have to assemble for a debriefing.
I'm not sure I like the sound of that...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:56, Reply)

Same colleague as the last one
announced one morning a while back,

"I have to phone maintenance, the front of my drawers is hanging loose"

Followed up shortly afterwards with this advice on making the toner cartridge in the printer last a little longer,

"Take it out and give it a good shake"

Both comments made with a totally straight face.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:52, 3 replies)

Donna
When I was at school I used to enjoy playing squash. I still do. One day I was due to pick up the old racket and head down to the courts to play my friend Donna but when she turned up to get me I had something urgent to do so I told her I to just make her way down without me and I'd be down in five minutes.

"That's OK, I'll just play with myself until you arrive"

Hilarity then ensued.
( Raindance Work is inversely proportional to post-count, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:49, Reply)

On Midlands Today last night...
The weather girl was at the BBC Gardener's World show on at the NEC. She was stood by a garden with an armchair and a TV, and, commenting back to the newsreader in the studio, said:

"Nick, I'll be turning you on later."

Brilliant.
(whyamihere, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:42, Reply)

The first thing you learn as an accountant
is that "double entry bookkeeping" doesn't mean what you think it means
although it can be a pain in the arse
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:40, Reply)