I have a runny nose and a bit of a cough
Can you please help diagnose me. Please consider the following pertinent information:

- I have skin to protect me from nasty bugs (and insects)
- My mucus membranes are really, really sticky, kind of like glue. They catch nasty things, like willies, that try to penetrate me
- I've never come in contact with anybody with any illness ever
- Even if I had I can wash my hands much better than people from the 1920s so I'll be ok right?
- If I get really ill I'll just forge a visa and move to another country to kill those fuckers with my germs.
- I am a fairly normal human being but I have a cat's face. I don't have sex with cats though.
( Captain V, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 13:01, 36 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Woeful miscasting
I'm a big fan of Christopher Brookmyre's books, and when they announced a few years back that they were making a one-off TV adaptation of Quite Ugly One Morning I was interested to see what they did with it.

Then they announced the casting of the main character. Picture this character in the books; a hard nosed, typically Scottish investigative journalist, with a nice line in dry wit and irony. Which actor would be ideal to carry this off?

Certainly not James Fucking Nesbitt, who played the part in his stock 'cheeky Irish rogue' manner.

What bit of TV/film casting has caused you to want to gouge your eyes out with a plastic spoon?

oh, and Bonnie Langford in Doctor Who, ffs
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:44, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So, I left my wallet at home today.
I have enough money for either lunch or cigarettes.

I hate it when stuff like this happens.

What's pissed you off today? Other than Swine Flu.
( Cawl, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 12:27, 32 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Awesome, someone just texted me with Hello Gorgeous, how are you
I've responded with I'm good thanks how are you?
They've responded with yeah I'm good...do you remember me
No fucking clue of who it is as I've clearly deleted their number at some point...
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 11:48, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Do you remember the Shredded Wheat ad?
Bet you can't eat three..
I once ate 5 in two sittings because the bowl wasn't big enough.

and one time, post-coitus, I went downstairs and made myself five(5) fried-egg sandwiches (which meant that the next day was mainly spent producing rusty water).

What acts of gluttony have you committed?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 11:32, 31 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

An open letter to Virgin Trains
Re. Your website

STOP SENDING ME ROUND IN FUCKING CIRCLES YOU FUCKING BASTARDING RETARDS. I HAVE ALREADY REGISTERED AS A FUCKING CUSTOMER - AT LEAST, I'VE ALREADY ENTERED MY DETAILS ABOUT THREE TIMES AND CLICKED 'REGISTER.' STOP SENDING ME BACK TO THE PAGE WITH MY TICKETS ON AND THEN ASKING ME TO RE-ENTER MY DETAILS WHEN I CLICK 'CONTINUE.' I JUST WANT TO BUY THE FUCKING TICKETS. I'M OFFERING TO GIVE YOU MONEY. FOR THE TICKETS. Why don't you want my money? YOU GRINNING MONG-TREMBLING RETARDS, JUST LET ME BUY THE CUNTING TICKETS. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. CHRIST ON A FUCKING POGO STICK, GIVE ME STRENGTH...

Your Mum,
Mr S Crow
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 11:20, 10 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have the ingrediants now to make an awesome cheesecake for Saturday
I think the people in Budgens may think I'm bulimic though based upon the looks I got for buying 10 packs of Oreos and giggling to myself.

So, if I make it today, will it keep until Saturday or should I make it tomorrow instead? It requires cooking for an hour and five eggs and I don't really want to poison anyone
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 11:16, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

As Kaol is a vampire
should we

a) hunt him down and destroy him
b) capture him and make him perform in freak shows
c) Make him kill our foes
d) [Hillarious responce as provided by you]
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 9:50, 72 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Can't log into gmail.
Anyone else having this problem?
EDIT: In other news, I just got an email from a police officer called "Jack Russell".
( Cawl, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 9:27, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

World leaders are about to push the button, but you dear b3tan are allowed to take five people into a shelter
where there is enough food and water and other amenities to keep you going until the nuclear fallout has passed. Who do you take and why?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 9:22, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

And everybody jumps to the worst conclusion so quickly!
Went to the doctors today because I've been feeling utterly ratshit for the last two or three days, headaches, sore throat, coughing a lot, runny nose. No up-chucking, runny bums or joint pain reminiscent of arthritis.
First thing the doctor asks me, after having me tell him my symptoms was, "have you been in contact with anybody with swine flu or travelled up to melbourne recently?"
"no"
"Are you sure?"
"yes."
"So you've not had ANY contact with ANYBODY who MIGHT have been infected with Swine flu, and you HAVEN'T travelled up to Melbourne at all?"
"I just said that?!"
"Oh okay - have you got a sore throat?"
*rolls eyes*

45 minute wait feeling like my head was about to explode for a 2 minute consultation with a script for penicillin left me feeling like there is no hope for our rural health systems.

In othernews, I'm eating apple strudel - what're you eating?
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 18 Jun 2009, 8:09, 182 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right then! I'm off on holiday!
Heading out to the boyfriends with fishing gear in hand....we leave at 9am tomorrow, and if I can be arsed I'll send a cheery wave from Highway 395. If not.........see you all next Tuesday (shortened to CUNT)!

Oh, and if anyone actually really wants to know where we're going it's here
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 5:26, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Idea for a business
During one particularly refreshing liquid pub lunch, I toyed with the idea of opening a pawn shop that gave its customers pornography instead of cash in return for their unwanted junk.

I was going to call it 'Tit for Tat'.

What would your business be called?
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 2:49, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Public slagging matches
We're running out of room in Al's thread (because Al's shit) to slag each other off so me and CHCB need a new thread. Feel free to join in and call her a cunt.
( Captain V, Thu 18 Jun 2009, 0:19, 33 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So I joined this facebook thing
and I've found that it hasn't quite consumed every last moment of my free time.

But I've heard there are these things called "applications" that can hoover up any remaining seconds I may have.

Which ones should I get?
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 23:28, 28 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Has anything interesting happened
over the last three days? I've been out on Site and feel strangely out of touch with the internet.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 22:35, 129 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

as you may be aware, i have found it necessary to remove the hair on my scrote
so this evening i had a trial run with the immac/veet/whatever

and, due to being an idiot manchild, i now have a 5-pointed star shaped pubic thatch.

christ.
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 22:20, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Recently
a friend of mine asked to borrow the first three seasons of the Wire that I have on DVD. As I'm moving away soon I asked him if I could get them back. It turns out that he has lent them on to a friend of his who has now flown home to Mumbai, and won't be back till December.

What, if any, revenge should I take?
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 21:59, 43 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

thanks boss
My manager kindly pointed something out to me the other day. "Halfy" quoth he "Your eyes are quite close set to your nose aren't they you freaky bastard"
Bearing in mind that head widening plastic surgery is not yet available on the NHS this leaves me stuck for a while I guess.

Tell me your freaky traits and bodily oddities that the wonders of modern medicine can't resolve.
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 21:43, 29 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Another Exam Thread. Sorry.
I have an exam tomorrow that means jack shit. It's optional. It's not related to what I'm doing at uni (well, directly). Doesn't effect my uni place. Only 30% pass, and no one gets "Merit" or "Distinction" unless they're ninja, and I'm not.
I'm doing it because I'm a masochist and I willingly signed up to do 3 hours of extra exams.

So, give me something to shoe in. It will amuse me.
I've already got cunt and clit into the exams (real A2s) though they WERE imbedded in words...

Or alternative question.
If you could only wear one article of clothing at one time, what would it be?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 21:39, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I have my last exam tomorrow.
And I will almost certainly fail it if I don't start revising. But I've been sat in front of the screen for several hours, unable to concentrate because it feels like someone's trying to punch my ovaries through my spine.
My periodic table is on the other side of the room, and I don't want to get it because if I make any sudden movements, I think I might throw up.

Tell me to MTFU, internets.

Edit: Thank you all for the good luck :)
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 21:11, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

So you people can start threads without me then
jolly good. I did wonder if I should log on at lunchtime and make sure you hadn't started some god awful HSH thread, but I see that my influence is prevailing through these tough times.

Well done internets.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 19:55, 83 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Once can't help but think
That this is a very, very bad idea:

uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20090617/tod-vending-machines-that-dispense-bars-870a197.html
( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 17 Jun 2009, 17:49, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Hay there, you there, yes, you, the good looking one, yes mate, you.
Step right up, step right up, for only $4.99, you can by my patented book on "How to deal with pain".

Look at little Timmy there, he doesn't look to happy, what's wrong little timmy? You feel like your torso is being crushed and exploding at the same time? That's a sorry state of affairs little timmy, let's see what Doctor G can do for you.

Well, first up, get your hands on some morphine tablets, some solphadeen and a carbonated cafinated drink. Doesn't that help? Well, yes, but that pain is going to come back Timmy, and we all know about the dangers of O.Ding.... no timmy, not Willard Smith's phrase "Over Dancing", we're talking about "Over Dosing".

But hold up timmy, get the bath running, put it so hot that it just about doesn't burn your skin. Bung in some Radox, don't be Shy Timmy, this stuff can't hurt you, go mad, put 1/4 of the bottle in. Arn't those bubbles fun? Why don't you treat yourself to a lovely Audio Book and a bar of galaxy while you're in there, treat yourself.

Next up, TENS machines, don't be scared to put it up timmy, it's supposed to hurt you, but doesn't that take your mind off your insides exploding and impoding at the same time? It's good stuff. Then get a hot waterbottle, that'll sort you out. Don't worry, you can tell people it's stretch marks because you've put on a little weight, rather than burn marks.

Now, MTFU, tell the internet, and don't forget the obligatory question.... so, let's ask the audiance what they do in this situation?

TL;DR - In pain, what I do about it, what do you do about it.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 17:35, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Anvil!
Last night I watched 'Anvil: the story of Anvil' and found it to have genuinely affected me. It's still on my mind today.

I think I was expecting a kind of moronic Spinal Tap-esque hilarity-fest. Whilst there some genuinely hysterically funny moments, they are far outweighed in my mind by the overall sadness of the tale, and the underlying nobility of the gentlemen in question.

In that sense it's similar to End of the Century (the Ramones film), but with that film you don't constantly think 'wow, what lovely, lovely people' as you do with Anvil. This may have something to do with the fact that Johnny Ramone was a Grade A arsehole and Joey, whilst a lovely guy, was just so fucking weird that you find that's the observation you keep making.

I am a hardbitten cynic who runs a mile at the prospect of a 'touching, feel-good movie' (they're called fucking FILMS for starters) - films like Dead Poets' Society make me want to cook and eat my own innards - but Anvil is truly excellent and I urge those who have yet to see it to give it a go.

And call me a cunt if you think it's shit, obv.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 16:38, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ruining your mobile telephone: A beginner’s guide.

It would be fair to say that I work with a fair number of mongs, but there’s one clear leader in the tard-off. Today she has reached a new high.

Dropping your phone in the toilet is quite stupid. Fishing it out and immediately switching it on to see if it still works (it doesn’t, oddly) is raising the stakes a little, especially as there’s still water draining out of it. The truly record-breakingly stupid part, though, is deciding that your phone is too cold, and needs to be warmed up. In the microwave.

Strangely, the phone still doesn’t work. And the screen has gone kind of funky. And the case is a little bit warped.

What acts of blatant stupidity have amused you today?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:59, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm currently looking for
hoes - you'd be surprised just how hard it is to find one that does the trick properly. I like a hoe that can handle quite a bit of dirt.

Where do you get your hoes from?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 15:08, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I am in a very long, very important meeting
and am falling asleep. Any tips for staying awake? Currently trying surreptitious web browsing on my phone and strong coffee.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 14:53, 38 replies, latest was 16 years ago)