So who's going to be on here when the monghorns start?
I have to work, so will be following the football on my phone, who's with me?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 13:07, 71 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Titles
What titles do hold/have you held, or could you reasonably lay claim to?

Me:
Currently, "Best Potato Masher In Our House"
Formerly: "Longest Undetected Linear Garden Hop Down Our Street 1976" (held jointly with my mate Gary.)
"Hull & District Under 8's Swearing Champion 1972 & 1973"

Obviously not everyone's are going to be as impressive as mine, but don't let that stop you from posting them.
(Cave Duck, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 12:22, 249 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Can anyone recommend somewhere I can host a couple of 40ish meg files for free?
alt Q: I see you standing there. You think you're so cool. Why don't you just fuck off? *rocks*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 11:36, 97 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yes I know it's not links.
It's times like this I wish I had sound on my work computer.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JchOM3y1H4o&feature=player_embedded
( girlinthehole, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 11:16, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

my work is going apeshit over ducks at the moment
there are several nesting just outside my office, and the stupid ducklings keep on falling through grating into the underground carpark. I spent a good 30 minutes yesterday helping rescue 2 of the stupid birds (it beats working...). Today I arrived in the office to find a box in the corner of the room that kept on cheeping. One colleague had rescued a duckling and was keeping it in a box for no obvious reason. I've liberated it now and it's been reunited with a mother duck. I've just heard that the RSPCA have been contacted to help deal with the duck crisis. Am I being cruel in wanting to shout 'man the FUCK up people, they are only ducks!'?

In other (and much cuter) news, baby decided to get into the world cup spirit yesterday by making his own vuvuzela with a cardboard tube. If anyone is even remotely interested, I can provide a link to a video of him doing just that.

What exciting stuff is happening in your workplace today?
( ascorbate, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 10:30, 52 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

How wrong is it
that the x-ray pictures in the Metro today are actually turning me on?

www.metro.co.uk/news/832315-the-x-rated-x-ray-calendar
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 9:28, 53 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning all
I'm excited as I'm off on holiday tonight, but I'm putting off packing and leaving my room in a serviceable state. I'm also avoiding tidying up the alcohol bottles in the kitchen. What are you putting off?

Alt: The weather eh? Apparently it's shit at the mo in the south of France. Arse. What country has the ideal climate for you?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 23 Jun 2010, 8:37, 133 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

food tred
I've just had a lovely salad with spinach, chikins, and loads of other stuff that isn't really worth mentioning. Other than feta. Lovely lovely feta.

How do you like your salad?
Tossed?
Not me, I like mine cut up and stirred gently. Like my bodies. Phwoar.

Alt q: if you were approached by a tourist in your home town what would you tell them they need to see?
I'd say you'd need to see the Belle Boyd cottage because it used to harbor an OMGspy.
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 18:06, 100 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

This weekend, Labs is going to be very, very poorly.
Very poorly indeed.

That's it, unless anyone else would like to use this thread to make some sort of announcement.
( thealternativefact, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 16:24, 95 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yeah, yeah, links is two to the left etc.
Get it right up yez.
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/10372678.stm

Which b3tan would you call a pussy on facebook?
( djtrialprice, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 15:14, 152 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

BOOYA!
After over a year of being unemployed, it looks like I may finally have a job! I interviewed with a company two weeks ago, and today was asked to come in for a second interview!

FUCK YEAH!!!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Tue 22 Jun 2010, 13:58, 86 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

chicken and choritzo sandwich today
I've lost half a stone in three weeks. Yay. Downgraded myself from super fat to fattyfatfat.

Still not as fat as Al though...
Do you really want a question?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 13:13, 117 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Help me identify a Spectrum game
It was a sci fi RPG/Stragtegy title; you had a squad of humans/robots and had to infiltrate a baddie space ship. One character was a spherical droid called "Maul". Any offers?
(kitescreech still here, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 13:00, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ask Chickenlady
Another in my occasional series of useless advice freely given.

Gentlemen: low slung jeans or trousers which show off half your underpants make you look stupid. By all means show your taught taut stomach and the top of the elastic on your knickers but don't show us the entirety of next week's washing - unless you're going for the mong look.

Ladies: legs or tits on show, not both. If you're wearing a short skirt then don't wear a low cut top that's just a sneeze away from Page 3. Likewise if you've got the puppies on show then hide your legs. Showing both makes you look like a prostitute. Always leave them wanting more, not wanting cream for a nasty rash.

So, any advice needed?

EDIT : How embarrassing mixing up taught and taut.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 12:49, 131 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

right folks.
I'm finally deciding what to do for my bash in november. It's going to be in London.
I've pretty sure I want to spend the day at the London Zoo but not sure where a good pub is that's relatively closeby for afters. Any suggestions?
(Poppet some assembly required., Tue 22 Jun 2010, 12:09, 71 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I hate stabbing cats
I have to do a blood glucose curve on a diabetic cat to see where the high point and low point is so we can stabilise their disease. The cat is so good natured about it and doesn't mind at all, but I still really dislike doing them.

What do you hate doing that's a necessary evil in life or at work?

YM excepted of course.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 10:31, 151 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Oh man, I've got a cold
Whyyy?
Colds are for winter so that you can have hot chocolate and floppy toast, like when everyone got snowed in last January. Remember that? It was ace.

What ails you people today?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 22 Jun 2010, 8:09, 286 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Randomburn 2010
As i'm not in the mood to write it out 5 times please find full tracklist in replies

If anyone on here fancies a copy drop me a gaz and i'll post one out

It starts noisily, gets silly in the middle and finishes with one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 19:59, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fine, if no-one else is starting a thread then I'll start a thread
Can't be bothered thinking of anything hugely imaginative as there's probably no-one here to read it, so I will simply ask who would win the World Cup if the team's mascots were allowed to play, but in the form of the actual thing rather than a twat in a fluffy suit. So England's attack would be Wayne Rooney and a lion. An actual lion. Wales might have qualified if they had a dragon in goal. Let's assume that Ivory Coast would have got a better result last night (and given the Brazilians some actual injuries instead of the ones they kept feigning) if they were accompanied onto the pitch by Elephants. Etc.

Alt Q for all you bumders who don't like football (yes, I, Darth Foxtrot, am accusing people of gayness, I can do so during the World Cup, deal with it *snaps*) - what do you think of the Vampire Diaries? That's what girls are watching nowadays, isn't it?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 18:54, 39 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Right, where's Vipros?
Is he here?

Coo-ey, Vipros...? Are you here? I'm going to try to upset you online now.

If I fail I will be deeply hurt.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 18:52, 21 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Terrible News - Frank Sidebottom dead.
I'm genuinely upset by this.
Saw him a number of times and booked him for a wedding once. He was fantastic.

You know he was, he really was.
(Cave Duck, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:53, 13 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Driving test tomorrow (UK)
First try. I've had about 50 hours of lessons and I'm bricking it.

Any helpful advice for passing?

Alt Q: Give us your driving test horror stories
(porkinator is a Rock n Roll nerd!, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 16:01, 70 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

"Marc Almond & Hawkwind honoured at The Mojo Awards 2010"
Waaahahahahahahahaha!*pauses*Hahahahahahaha!*falls over laughing*
I haven't got time to ask a question, just wanted to ruin Monty's day.
Bye...
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 15:49, 18 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Woe, woe and thrice woe.
Oh fucking dear. I’ve been having trouble with my boiler (not that one, she’s fine) and after many visits it is now fixed. Unfortunately one of the external valves needs replacing as the pressure just continues to rise. Bloke came this morning, got halfway through the job and decided he couldn’t finish as the access was too tight. I told him to go and do some other jobs while I sorted out the access problem and for him to return at 3pm. Just after he had gone I noticed a dripping in the kitchen, at the back of the sink unit. Access there isn’t just difficult, it’s impossible. Another downside is that kitchen leaks spread along the floorboards into the dining room where the carpet is only a year old. Panic. Ripped out sink unit, disconnected plumbing and had a minor flood after all. Now I need to re-model the kitchen. As the site says, fuck my life. Not really, it’s fixable and just brought the time line for kitchen work forward. But still. Bollox.

What have you fucked up lately?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 21 Jun 2010, 14:28, 82 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm really sorry about this
www.virginmoneygiving.com/martinandclaire

I have to ask everyone I've ever met cos we've only got 3 weeks to get sponsored. Please feel free to ignore the above, or call me a twat in the replies.

What's the most unlikely thing you've ever done to raise money? Not necessarily for charity. Could be for beer.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 13:00, 148 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just had the best sandwich ever
It was a massive baguette with chicken mayo and crunchy bacon bits on the top. Amazing it was.

I'd say nothing could top that this week but I am off to Wimbledon to stalk some tennis players on Thursday and heading oop norrff for something on Friday, I forget what, can't be that exciting...
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 12:31, 32 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Creepy chat up techniques
Reading Amberl's post about her taxi driver's attempt to chat her up in the thread below reminded me of a few days back. I was in the queue to pay for some petrol and occupying myself by staring vacantly out of the window across the forecourt. Apparently I wasn't staring vacantly enough because a woman thought I was looking at her. She was driving across the forecourt and slowed down, staring back in at me. As she crept as across the tarmac in front of me she started gesturing at me, pointing around the corner, all the while her eyes boring into my skull. Apparently she misinterpreted my subsequent look of horror because she suddenly flashed a huge, toothy grin.

I'm sure she thought she was being coquettish and flirty, but I was left with the powerful impression that she wanted to feed on me and leave my body in a shallow grave.

What's the creepiest way that somebody's tried to chat you up?
( Kroney, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 11:21, 209 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm sad that I missed out on that there London shenanigans
so tell me everything that happened and tell me something about each of the b3tans that you met In Real Life that will shock and amaze me.

Or tell me what you had for breakfast and how it could have been better. I haven't had anything but I'm in the mood for french toast so now anything I have will be a culinary disappointment.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 8:08, 255 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

davros grandad tardis appeal
i was just marveling at karen gillans legs once again and pondering the precise nature of ginger muff topiary when i remembered this...

www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/walesarts/2010/06/doctor_who_auction_tardis_daleks.html

right... so here's my thinking - the old board ain't what it was but we must be at least 12000 b3tards on a good week - so that's a quid each to make DG belm for eternity - lets face it its not like tourettes needs the cash for a boob job

whaddyasayfolks?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 21 Jun 2010, 1:39, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Germs! On your soap pump!
Erm...yes. And? I'm only touching it because I'm about to WASH MY FUCKING HANDS.

Stupid Dettol

What advert has annoyed you recently?
( le brian, Sun 20 Jun 2010, 23:49, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)