Dogs and babies
The in-laws have a dog who they absolutely dote over and treat like a child now that their own kids are grown up and moved out. They now have a brand new grandchild, their first, and frankly they seem unconcerned about the dog's behaviour around the kid. The dog doesn't respond to training (when first acquired, hubby took the time to take it to doggy school but his olds did nothing to reinforce it) so it won't even sit or stay when told, and it gets very 'excited' when the baby gets brought in the house. They've now refused to put the dog outside or keep it on a leash as 'it will only get upset and resent the baby'. WTF.
Having had a polite discussion they agreed to leash it on us visiting, but when we went over they took the leash out and then left it sitting on the bookshelf. Again, WTF. It feels like they're choosing the dog over their grandchild and frankly, dear reader, i've fucking had enough. Why should i feel anxious everytime we visit them, and then be made to feel guilty when we don't go and visit? My job as a mother is to protect my baby, and they're hamstringing me by making snide remarks about my concerns.

Is there any suggestions how to broach / resolve this situation once and for all cause this is causing serious shit in a normally happy situation.
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:34, 209 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Just don't visit. Simple
They can come visit you.

Edit: Offer also to leash your own child to make the dog feel better
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:36, Reply)

It's gotten to that point now
But considering the last 10 years of 'happy families' this is an untenable situation when they invite us over for saturday night dinner on a weekly basis and it upsets my husband when i don't want to go.

Either way, i'm going to come out of this looking the bitch which i think is unfair when i'm only concerned about the little one.
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:41, Reply)

invite them over for dinner
and make the dog sit in the shed
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:42, Reply)

The most obvious question
is why is it up for debate? Either you care enough about this to keep your child away, or you don't.
If there's a pissing competition going on with your in-laws, then I recommend drinking a bottle of water before you compete.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:45, Reply)

there's nothing like a bit of passive-aggresive dog lead action.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:48, Reply)

It sounds like to me that she just had the kid so she had something to compete for the parent's affections with the dog.
Doesn't seem right to me to bring a baby into the world under such circamstances.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:49, Reply)

Sounds more like she had a baby
to get her husband away from his parents. Hasn't worked
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:50, Reply)

I think most elderly people get dogs to compensate for the flock leaving the nest. Lord knows I tried Ma' to get a dog so many times now she's on her todd.
They bring comfort and life and humour and laughter into a household, they can't have their own kids anymore, too old, but they can have a little furry friend with four legs. One that although would shit on the carpet every now and then, would rest his head in your lap as they see the singular tear run down your cheek as you realise although you've had a good life, it's coming towards the end of it, and that the inevitable darkness that overtakes everyone at some point will take hold, and hopefully will take you before the ones you love. That little furry head sitting on your lap, begging for a stroke, how without a single word can enforce that you're not alone in this world, and as it sneezes it makes you giggle to yourself, knowing that despite everything, life does move on, and it's time to get the kettle on and snap out of it.

I don't know why she'd want to take that away from the parents, I don't understand why they would want to destroy that pure definition of companionship.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:54, Reply)

I have no desire to deny them this pure form of friendship
I merely wish for their grandchild to be safe when visiting them (as a favour to them - fuck, how many grandparents don't see their grandchildren?) So I should let them have their dog but deny them their grandchild? not really what i want
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:58, Reply)

If they can't be bothered to leash a dog
if that is the sole condition of seeing their grandchild, then they don't want to see it that much. So don't bother getting upset over it, just spend your Saturday evenings doing something more fun instead.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:01, Reply)

like baby bungee jumps

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:05, Reply)

Or kicking strangers in the cunt.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:10, Reply)

This is more fun than anything else
Wearing a balaclava and duffing the in-laws up might also relieve tension
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:11, Reply)

Next time she goes round
she should keep looking around, and when they ask her what she's doing she should say "Checking to see if I'm standing on plastic".


This is funny because she is South African.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:15, Reply)

they should dress as dognappers and steal the dog, teach it some manners and make the in laws pay to get it back
everyone wins
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:16, Reply)

I've always thought, the thing to do with a dog, is to punch it.
A dog is at foot level, so if you kick it, it's less effort than bending over and punching it in the face. Unless you're already sitting down, then you've it's more effort to stand up and kick it. You want to do the one that is more effort for maximum shock value, an you want to make sure the dog gets apropriate air, it's double good if it hits the wall with it's back and falls down limp on the first go.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:20, Reply)

Woah, hang on
you like in Oz and you're worried about your parents-in-law's dog? Do you put all the spiders on leads, too?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Is this your first child? I could imagine if I had a first child, I would want to create a bubble of protection, a magic spell created with good intentions....
... but it doesn't work like that, as you well know. What kind of dog is it? I'm picturing a yappy jack russel or a scotty. I can't picture a dolberman in this story. Dogs are very very maternal, much more so than a cat. Let them all play around on the floor, get dirty and all that, and I'm sure the kid would grow to love the dog.

But if you're genuinly concerned, which I've no doubt you are, how about you let the dog/kid play with each other while you're right there on the floor with the dog, that way the moment you sense the dog's getting angry (and not jokey, I mean, like it's raised heckles) _then_ you'll have a case of leaving the dog in another room.

The kid and the child could create a wonderful bond, I've not doubt you've seen the videos on YouTube of kids with dogs, some of them are quite touching.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:04, Reply)

i was watching a tv show last night and this guy was all "i like dogs but they're manipulative, everything they do is to get food" and it's so true
may not be the exact quote but you get my drift
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:58, Reply)

Something that reinforced my love for dogs was a book called "The mysterious incident of the dog in the night time"
It was written from the point of view of an autistic kid (my dad was quite worried that I understood so much of the kid's point of view), and there are lots of nice things about dogs, but the one that I liked the most was "I like dogs because they're easy to understand, they have four feelings, Happy, Sad, Angry and [a fourth one, hungry? can't remember]... and that's it."
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:07, Reply)

Curious Incident

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:24, Reply)

Course it is, they're animals.
My dog loves me to death but it would betray me in a second if there was a chance for her to have half a slice of ham.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:07, Reply)

for reals, my dog and I were playing and she bit into my fingernail
I stood howling over the sink crying my face off and the little twat carried on playing
And now I've got a mongy nail.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:09, Reply)

Gonz. Once again your psychoanalysis has cut to the quick of the problem.
It's a terrible situation for all concerned when that happens. The poor dog must be at its wit's end.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:51, Reply)

needs more breasts

( broadsword, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:37, Reply)

Take your own dog lead
Problem solved
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:38, Reply)

Try and have some kindof control over your child for a change

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:40, Reply)

She's only 5 months old
and, as such, needs no controlling. Only protection.
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:42, Reply)

I love dogs, dogs are awesome, much better than a kid. A dog just has to be a dog to be awesome, and they're really good at that.
What kind of dog is it? Rather than cruelly leash up a dog in it's own house, why not keep it in a seporate room?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:43, Reply)

kill one of them

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:44, Reply)

Do they ask you to leash your baby when they come over?

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:44, Reply)

A /talk boarder i see

( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:46, Reply)

No, she's just got a dog.
She's also got a point.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:46, Reply)

That's a bit touchy, must be the whoremoans playing up.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:48, Reply)

I must be a bully or something, dunno why /talk has anything to do with it
I've never seen this poster before, so why's she coming all over here and complaining like we give a shit
there's facebook for that
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:49, Reply)

You're a terrible bully Kristine
But you're OUR terrible bully

/ac every Hollywood movie ever
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:50, Reply)

MORE OF THIS

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:16, Reply)

Suspend your child from some runners on the ceiling
I bet the dog won't be able to jump that high.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:45, Reply)

Unless you've got the slightest evidence the dog is going to bite the baby's face off
then I'm unsure what the problem is here.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:45, Reply)

Some people don;t like dog slobber or hair on their babies

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:46, Reply)

they need to man the fuck up then.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:47, Reply)

it's their choice

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:47, Reply)

Don't put the baby on the floor then.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:48, Reply)

I don't agree with putting the dog on a lead
but if it's going to be all over the baby then it has to go in the other room or she doesn't visit.
If it just has a sniff and walks off fair enough but if it doesn't it's fair enough not to want that.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:49, Reply)

Anyone would think I was answering this post seriously.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:52, Reply)

Yeah well you can sod off then

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:56, Reply)

yeah well you never brought me my tartan curtain.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:56, Reply)

The baby doesn't go on the floor when we're there
Even in my arms the dog is jumping at her, trying to get at her face
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:50, Reply)

Some people are comfortable with that.
You are not. Do something about it.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:51, Reply)

I'm pretty certain it's not trying to "get at her face"
Unless it has a history of eating faces.

but, meh, if you want a serious answer, what Roota said.

But I've no idea why you'd come here looking for a serious answer.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:53, Reply)

Call Ross Kemp
He'll sort that dog out WITH HIS FISTS AND HEAD
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:54, Reply)

^ Facetious responses aside, this is a good point
What threat does the dog pose?

The dog gets excited, most likely, because the baby has a strong and different smell from all the other humans around it. The dog probably just wants to get acquainted. If the dog is not prone to attacking humans, it's unlikely to attack a human juvenile. At worst, then, the dog might get overexcited and start barking, which will scare the baby, or it may want to lick the baby, which is hardly the end of the world.

I understand that mothers will instinctively do anything within their power to protect their young from any perceived threat. If the dog is actually likely to maul the child then I understand your concern, but if not, is the dog actually a danger?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:51, Reply)

Some people don;t want their kid licked by a dog that's been licking its own genitals.
Some people think it's good for the kid's confidence to be comfortable with dogs from the start.
Just because it's not 'harmful' doesn't mean people are ok with it.
We're not all scruffy bastards covered in animal hair who grew up rolling around with beasts.
I came to it late in life.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:54, Reply)

What about if teh dog had been licking Jeff's genitals? Would that be ok?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:55, Reply)

Most definitely not!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:57, Reply)

This is kind of my point, though...
People all react differently to domestic animals - sure, it's not pleasant if someone's huge alsatian is waiting behind the door to jump up, pin you against the wall at the shoulders and gleefully cover you in eau-de-Winalot-et-dog-bollocks because it's pleased to see you, but I think there are a few more details we need before we can roundly condemn the dog, the family or the plaintiff.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:04, Reply)

Happy families my arse.
They're fuckwitted cunts and you've only just noticed.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:45, Reply)

Buy your child some stilts

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:48, Reply)

or body armour.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:49, Reply)

Or suspend it from a mini blimp, with just enough Hydrogen in to keep it higher than the dog can jump
the dog can then spend hour after hour jumping to "play" with the baby until it suffers a massive Cerebral hemorrhage and has a fit across the floor, flinging blood and excrement up the walls and over granny before sucombing and collapsing in a fluffy ball of feces smeared fur.

meanwhile the "child-blimp" has floated away in the confusion and bumped into a "White Company" lilac spring candle, igniting the Hydrogen and destroying the house on top of the whole sorry lot of them, thus solving the problem.

I hope this helps
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:53, Reply)

I'm going to change my answer to "THIS"

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:55, Reply)

My sister friend became so obsessed with their puppy
that she ended up telling her to get tae fuck and they no longer speak. People so obsessed with animals that they think they are people need to be told to get tae fuck.
( Peej, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:48, Reply)

punch the dog and the baby
flush the remains down the toilet
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:52, Reply)

This is the ONLY solution.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:52, Reply)

a more substantial solution would involve the OP punching her entire family
and herself, repeatedly
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:53, Reply)

I'm on board with this advice

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:56, Reply)

you are my new favourite poster

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:59, Reply)

Mince 'em.
Chuck it all in a bowl with a little grated horseradish, some finely chopped onions, an egg and salt and pepper and mix together with your hands until even and sticky. Make into patties, fry in medium-hot shallow oil until browned on each side. Serve in a lightly-toasted bun with fresh salsa and goat's cheese.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:54, Reply)

this is the fag version of my answer

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:55, Reply)

I'm obviously the fag version of you.
How faggy are you to start off with? I need to know where my baseline is.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:57, Reply)

I'm a fairy, go figure

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:58, Reply)

That is pretty gay.
Are you a boy fairy or a girl fairy?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:01, Reply)

whatever you want me to be, sweetstuff

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:02, Reply)

Careful
this man has a 15" black rubber cock.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:03, Reply)

I'm occasionally afraid to use it.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:04, Reply)

haven't they all?

(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:04, Reply)

salsa and goats cheese? you sick fuck

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:55, Reply)

Do you see what i did there?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:57, Reply)

you are correct
goats cheese tastes like ginger pussy
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:58, Reply)

i cannot make this comparison

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:00, Reply)

what sort of dog is it?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:56, Reply)

slavering wolf, apparently.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:57, Reply)

a baby-face-eating slavering wolf is my ideal dog

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:58, Reply)

you missed out "surfing"

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:00, Reply)

don't be absurd

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:03, Reply)

Didn't they have a surfing dog on That's Life?
They must have done at some point.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:13, Reply)

I don't think I've ever seen That's Life
I have seen dogs on surfboards in surf films though
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:22, Reply)

It may even have featured in the opening credits
but I am at work without headphones so will not investigate further on the Tube of You.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:25, Reply)

A fucking annoying one.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:57, Reply)

jack russell then?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:57, Reply)

they can't jump very high
is the OP very small?
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:58, Reply)

maybe it has a springboard

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:00, Reply)

This one has a pogo stick, an erection and score to settle

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:00, Reply)

Woah. Sketchy.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:00, Reply)

it's the plot of my movie that those "fat cats" in hollywood wouldn't commision

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:01, Reply)

I'm imagining her as a half ton woman with a 4 stone baby
and the dog is Beethoven.

The St Bernard, not the composer.

St Bernard the breed of dog, not the bible guy.
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:01, Reply)

AIDS dog

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 13:57, Reply)

AlsAIDStion?

( broadsword, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:03, Reply)

Ex-lax
For the dog, not the baby
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:02, Reply)

feed the baby ex-lax, and feed the baby to the dog
two birds, one stone
(Quinton had to abandon other account as i broke it, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:03, Reply)

This is a difficult question for me
as I have no kids, but a dog that I dote on and take everywhere with me. Luckily he is pretty well behaved, and will sit quietly beside one of us when we go places, but he can be very exciteable, and sounds incredibly loud and ferocious when he barks.

I do understand that a dog is significantly more powerful than a baby, and if they ever had a disagreement the baby would come off a hell of a lot worse, but I can't help feeling a tiny bit insulted when people criticise my dog. When I was at the pub last night there was a screaming toddler there. I didn't ask the parents to keep it and its grubby hands away from the dog, because I know the toddler can't be reasoned with any more than the dog can. I just took my dog into the other bar.

Short of starting a family feud, I would suggest, if the dog does it again, pick up the baby, stand up, and walk into another room. Or just stand up and face away from the dog. After a couple of goes ta this, it will get teh picture that it can't play with the baby, and should give up pestering it.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:03, Reply)

Or kick the dog down a mineshaft
and put the baby on a spike
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:05, Reply)

that'd hardly work that fast, she'd likely have to be there every day for it to have that impact

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:07, Reply)

The voice of reason^
EDIT:

b3th that is
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:08, Reply)

My idea is quicker and cannot fail

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:09, Reply)

What happens if you live far away from a mine?
Or all the mines have been closed down?
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:09, Reply)

Damn you Thatcher, foiling my darstadly plans again!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:11, Reply)

FUCK YOU, I AM THE VOICE OF REASON

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:11, Reply)

BULLYING REASON!

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:13, Reply)

KICK THE DOG UNTIL IT SICKS A RAINBOW

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:14, Reply)

A BULLYING RAINBOW!

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:15, Reply)

YEAH AND SLOBBER OF DOOM

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:17, Reply)

You are the voice of anger, Kristine!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:14, Reply)

I am the voice of fucking lovely, you twat waffle.

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:15, Reply)

You are the voice of other women squeezing your boobs.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:18, Reply)

That's a voice full of sexy.

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:22, Reply)

There's only one solution to this problem. Well, three, but you won't like the second two.
1) Next time you see them, shoot the dog in front of them. This will accomplish several things. It will remove the dog from the equation, show your in-laws who's queen bitch and you'll get to scream "Ah'd do anyfink fer mah KIDZ" in their faces.

2) Next time you go over there, shoot the child. This will accomplish several things. It'll prove that you're queen bitch, it'll make them guilty that they didn't acquiesce to your definitely-not-over-protective-first-time-mother syndrome and it'll remove the question over what gets prominence when you're over there. It'll also help remove some of the burden of over-population that this world faces due to selfish First World breeders such as you.

3) Or do something sensible, like not going over, inviting them over to yours or otherwise act like a sensible functioning adult.

Please note, I don't give a shit which one of these you do so long as you stop bleating about it on here. We're not mumsnet.

Regards,

Kroney.
( Kroney, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:15, Reply)

When she shoots the dog she should hold up her passport and then laugh and say "Diplomatic Immunity"

This is funny because she's South African.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:18, Reply)

she could feed the dog to the wood chipper
and when asked where it is she could say "Around!"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:21, Reply)

Oh
Well in which case, wouldn't it just be easier to dog-jack them? They're well into their x-jacking over there.

Stupid prawn
( Kroney, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:24, Reply)

Never turn your back on the prawn. You cannot trust the prawn.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:25, Reply)

Sign the document, mate

( Kroney, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:26, Reply)

Dear Kroney,
As per option 2, I would just like to mention how my mate lunged at my dog and shouted "YOU NEED TO RESPECT THE BABY", I suggest NOT doing this, as it will cause dog to be severly frightened and perhaps want to eat your face.
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:21, Reply)

Dear Kristine.
Your friend had the correct idea, but failed to break the dog's neck in the process. This was the only sensible solution to a difficult problem and I do hop you will bear this in mind in future.

Sincerely yours,

Kroney.
( Kroney, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:23, Reply)

it might alternatively teach it that this is a good way to get attention
i know you're not meant to shout if budgies/parrots bite you, for example, as there is a chance the bird will enjoy the noise, will get excited, and will bite again.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:24, Reply)

On a more serious and genuine note
Fuck off back to Mumsnet
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:17, Reply)

hopefully this will gave gone some way towards stopping people from pestering us with their "problems"

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:20, Reply)

She's had more than enough good answers
She won't take them though
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:25, Reply)

people never take our advice

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:26, Reply)

I don't know why
probably because she wanted 'OMG ur poor bby, u should ttly kill ur in-laws.'

Which in a sense is what she got.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:27, Reply)

yeah, but she also got:
stop being a whining bitch
and
kill your baby
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:28, Reply)

Equally valid answers
and equally likely to happen
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:30, Reply)

true
what she really wanted was someone to state exactly her own opinion in the matter so she can feel validated.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:31, Reply)

What she wanted was irrational mother validation from the internet
at least half of which hasn't even had sex yet, much less had children.
( Kroney, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:32, Reply)

which is what mumsnet is for

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:33, Reply)

Best advice ever.

( Kroney, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:30, Reply)

there's an almost mathematical formula to requests for advice on here
50% rude or ridiculous answers, 20% serious answers, 20% don't give a fuck why are you asking b3ta and then getting upset answers, and then 5% winding up the posters of the serious answers and 5% responding to that...

print out lots of reports from newspapers where seemingly friendly dogs have eaten children's faces. then tell your husband to read them and to sort his parents out.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:19, Reply)

where does your answer lie?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:21, Reply)

everything i say is in its own category of rightness
silly vipros, you know this.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:22, Reply)

both of those statements are wrong
you are suffering from dangerous delusions
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:23, Reply)

i am disappointed
i thought you were going to go down the "yes but the category is shit and dull and wrong" route.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:24, Reply)

it must be like the constant disappointment I feel at not seeing a message in my gazbox with a picture of your tits in it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:29, Reply)

soooo.....
..... relief then?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:33, Reply)

stop putting yourself down
I think you have an inferiority complex
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:36, Reply)

If anything should be put down it's etc etc etc.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:40, Reply)

HELLO DARLING

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:40, Reply)

alright
*is slightly puzzled*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:42, Reply)

this has made me laugh a lot more than it should
like kroney/sportscow's unfortunate gay present joke the other week. that made me choke.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:45, Reply)

huh?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:46, Reply)

*bums*

( Kroney, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:49, Reply)

I was talking to V though.
*waggles eyebrows*
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:46, Reply)

*shrugs*
Yeah good. Improving, which is fucking wonderful. Going to talk to someone about a dead-cert new job tomorrow which looks set to start in September, woo. How's your shit?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:46, Reply)

glad to hear it
I'm good. handed my notice in today, I'm 30 tomorrow, which means lots of presents and my mrs is cooking katsu curry, which is fucking stupendously good.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:53, Reply)

NIIICE.
Congrats on the new job, I saw something about it the other day but my mind is a sieve at the moment. Catch up soon. Have a great day tomorrow. You arse etc etc.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:54, Reply)

Have the dogs teeth removed
and screwed into the baby's mouth, that'd show the cock licking cunt.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:22, Reply)

Good answer!
Breastfeeding FTW
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:24, Reply)

You should wake them up in the middle of the night
by applying gaffa tape to their hands and mouth, before asking them if they are worried about their precious little dog. Then lean close and say "Now don't you go being a smart Kaffir" before walking off and letting the dog in the bedroom as you leave.


This is funny because she is South African.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:22, Reply)

nailed to the ceiling
for additional fun and games
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:23, Reply)

Using a nail gun

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:26, Reply)

from a distance

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:29, Reply)

This is no time for Midler

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:34, Reply)

hahahaha
edit: that's the funniest thing I've read today. I'm still sniggering
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:36, Reply)

Cheers

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:40, Reply)

haha

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:36, Reply)

certainly easier to nail a dog to a ceiling that way
I can't help thinking a traditional hammer and nail approach is just going to be too awkward.

Screwfix might be the way to go, though.

Wait - is it the dog or the in-laws we're nailing to the ceiling? Or the baby? Actually, I'm going to go with the husband, I don't think there have been sufficient answers involving violence towards the husband yet.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:32, Reply)

Simply add Some "no more nails" to the dogs testicles and press to ceiling

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:28, Reply)

Even simpler - apply "no more nails" to the dog's testicles
and with a little patience, you will have created the canine ouroborous.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:29, Reply)

Or if we're going to be using No More Nails
I suggest a Human/Dog Centipede hybrid, with the dog in the middle
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:31, Reply)

And Jeff at both ends.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:31, Reply)

best sub thread of the day

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:33, Reply)

Buy a lion and train it to carry the baby on its back.
Or an elephant. Something that will counter-intimidate the dog. The best thing about the elephant is you'll also be able to take passive-aggressive revenge for previous occasions on which the dog has molested the baby because it will probably obliterate their garden when it needs to "go outside and do its business."
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:28, Reply)

What happens when the elephant gets out of hand and starts molesting the granny?
You'll have to get Vin Diesel to nut punch it
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:30, Reply)

We'll have to look into the cost of hiring Mr Diesel as an elephant trainer.
Especially as part of me would like to see him take the elephant into the back garden on a leash so it can shit all over the flowerbed.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:32, Reply)

1. make a pile of tyres
2. drop dog into it
3. set it alight
4. PROFIT
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:30, Reply)

you are missing a step
1. make a pile of tyres
2. drop dog into it
3. set it alight
4. ?????
5. PROFIT
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:32, Reply)

Ah yes, the critical element of mystery...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:32, Reply)

4. OPEN KOREAN BBQ

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:33, Reply)

"AHHH! RADRADOR!"

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:34, Reply)

This is funny because she's South African.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:32, Reply)

Oh really? So is this whole problem because the dog's dangerous?
Or because the dog is "blick?"
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:33, Reply)

No, I'm just concluding my previous meta-joke by quoting sections of Lethal Weapon 2 and then explaing the joke.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:34, Reply)

it's ewt to steal their ferms

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:35, Reply)

the south african bullying
is not a little bit racist, you MASSIVE RACIST.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:34, Reply)

Here you go
www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1310534

But you wouldn't understand it because you probably don't like the most awesome Mel Gibson film there is (apart from Mad Max 2)
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:35, Reply)

they are making a new Mad Max, i bet it's 'fucking shit'

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:39, Reply)

But it is being made by George Millar
who did the first two, so might not be horrendous.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:42, Reply)

it won't be the same with modern cars
i loved those old muscle cars...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:45, Reply)

"what women want"?
what's that got to do with it?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:44, Reply)

1. Hire Scooby Doo costume
2. Abduct dog
3. rape dog whilst dressed as 'Doo
4. Film it

EDIT look at camera mid-rape and shout 'Rooby rooby roooooo'

5. Post it on /links
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:32, Reply)

6. Blame Tony B-LIAR and his CRONIES
7. Be The Goat.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:33, Reply)

Make your own porn

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:33, Reply)

No, you make YOUR own porn.
I'd much prefer it to Monty's
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:35, Reply)

There's no dearth of 'chubby on camera'
if you search in the right places, like the internet. I don't want to add to it
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:37, Reply)

Yeah, but that's mostly Bobby
And only then it's because his hairy arse is too wide for the viewing angle of a single camera to accomodate.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:45, Reply)

Scooby dooby Goo!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:34, Reply)

Oh, you must post on Off Topic
because you're all ROFFLE
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:37, Reply)

/TALKER

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:38, Reply)

As a South African
does it bother you that you're effectively asking your grandparents to enforce an Apartheid along species lines?
( Kroney, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:34, Reply)

She's got experience in that line

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:35, Reply)

Mandela's going to be all up in her grill over this.
There will probsbly be international sanctions.
( Kroney, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:36, Reply)

She's going to run over Mandela?!
The racist bastard
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:38, Reply)

I don't know what's worse, her or the baby-eating dog.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:39, Reply)

She probably fed her baby to the dog
behind the in-laws back, because it'd got a tan from being in the sun
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:40, Reply)

Not before smearing its hand in dog shit and making it palm-sign its land rights over to the cause.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:41, Reply)

Call in this chap
www.youtube.com/watch?v=athaKkvkMr0
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:35, Reply)

So how's your thread working out for you?
Do you think it went well?
( Kroney, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:46, Reply)

Considering they fucked off half an hour ago, I'd say it's been a total success.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:47, Reply)

What I imagine happened is
a young lady sees some people who seem friendly, asks a question which is replied at various levels of ridiculousness until all the people she asks get into silly little conversations and cliques and while she wanders off shaking her head
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:50, Reply)

Nah, she fucked off to mumsnet

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 8 Aug 2011, 14:53, Reply)