100+ replies, so I'm starting a new thread
Some of you may have noticed that I'm somewhat irresistible to the ladies of B3ta. I can't fight destiny anymore, and I can't help being a ladykiller, so I've formulated a plan;

Becky, as the frumpiest and most bitter lady of Off Topic, will be my main wife. On Mondays she will spend her whole day nagging at me until I shut her up with blistering hot, mega sex.
Applebite, as a very attractive, somewhat 'fun' young lady, you shall be my saturday girl, cheering up my weekends with blistering hot drunken mega sex.
Lampito, being somewhat rotund and mentally unstable shall do my dishes on Tuesdays, and provide blistering hot mega sex.
Kitty, because you're a bit average and blah, you can run the hoover around on wednesdays and I might give you the odd throw-down when I choose to.
Aberracion, I want you to be my cook.

Now, is there anyone I've missed?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:47, 202 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

BGB, TGB, Berk, AmberI, Kristine, Rosalicious...

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:49, Reply)

BGB shall be my bit on the side for thursdays
Amberl, Berk and Rosie can fight over who gets me on Sundays, and TGB can go fuck herself
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:50, Reply)

I love your subtle way with words, Bert

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:53, Reply)

Sunday, Thursday and Friday are vacant as yet.
I won't risk making suggestions.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:49, Reply)

Well
due to having a BF with "issues" I'm free on Sundays but I might just stay at home and worm the dog..........
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:51, Reply)

filthiest euphemism I've ever heard

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:51, Reply)

I'm fine with being missed out for this one

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:52, Reply)

You're not good enough to be my friday girl, that needs to be someone special
maybe you and Lampito can job share?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:52, Reply)

well a part time job share is still a job
I'm crap at washing up though - will probably break your plates
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:55, Reply)

you can do the dusting
but you have to say 'Mr Sheen Shines Umpteen Things Clean' repeatedly, the whole time
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:56, Reply)

it's a deal!

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:57, Reply)

You bastard
Now I've got the jingle going round my head!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:57, Reply)

It's peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time
PEANUT BUTTER JELLY AND A BASEBALL BAT
PEANUT BUTTER JELLY AND A BASEBALL BAT

Now there you go, there you go
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:59, Reply)

WTF?

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:07, Reply)

it's been stuck in my head for months
the only way I can get it out is to start shouting it in public
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:08, Reply)

The one that was stuck in my head for a bit, was
Yoffy lifts a finger
And a mouse is there
Puts his hands together
And a seagull takes the air

etc
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:09, Reply)

I have no idea what you're on about

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:12, Reply)

: (

( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:53, Reply)

sorry BGB, but you're from the old batch
I'm onto the new girls now
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:53, Reply)

Story of my life.
*slopes off to join a nunnery*
( girlinthehole, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:54, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post798783
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:15, Reply)

I don't do brand name vacuuming.

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:54, Reply)

Do you Dyson then?
Or maybe do the Henrying?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:55, Reply)

Since my recent purchase
I now do the Samsunging.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:57, Reply)

You fucking pervert

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:58, Reply)

Was that a general comment
or one related to my choice of vacuum cleaner?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:59, Reply)

I'm going to go with general
But your choice of vacuum cleaner is positiviely deviant.

_{And I LIKE it.}
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:03, Reply)

I thank you!

( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:06, Reply)

you'll do as you're told
and like it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:55, Reply)

This doesn't suprise me.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 13:58, Reply)

You're my FRIDAY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:01, Reply)

we have wooden floors so Wiggy won't let me get a vacuum
there's a Dyson that came with the flat but it's shite. So there.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:02, Reply)

YEAH KEEP GOING ON ABOUT YOUR FLAT THAT'S NICE OF YOU!!!!

(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:03, Reply)

Aw, poor Chompy.
Would you like to share my four-pack of Tennent's Super?
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:05, Reply)

NAH, JUST GETTING MY ANGER LEVEL UP BEFORE I RING MS HOUR LONG LUNCH

(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:06, Reply)

IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS WHEN YOU JUST WISH THE TELEPHONE HAD A CAPS-LOCK BUTTON

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:07, Reply)

I don't want to shout at them though
I want to maintain my moral superiourity. GRRRRRrrrr
(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:09, Reply)

talk really quietly
that'll make you sound more dangerous and likely to go on a spree of some kind.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:11, Reply)

So quietly that she has to keep asking you to repeat yourself
Then you can sound ever-so-slightly-more impatient each time you have to repeat yourself.

_{(I know someone who does this when she doesn't want to be disturbed. It's possibly the most passive-agressive behaviour I've ever encountered.)}
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:12, Reply)

there was a woman at my old firm who used to put her phone on DND all the time
so eventually the secretaries used to get pissed off and so we in IT would take it off for them. It used to annoy the hell out of her.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:26, Reply)

Negotiation strategy tips
Make a statement or when they ask you a crunch question leave a long pause before saying anything. Makes people nervous. Eye contact can help, but shame its on the phone...
( b3tz, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:30, Reply)

want me to help?
I'm sure I can thing of things to say to annoy you.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:08, Reply)

hahaha
sorry. You can stay over if you want, we can make smores and tell ghost stories.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:08, Reply)

And then she'll call you shit and dull and tell you she hates you.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:09, Reply)

don't ruin it!
I was going to embroider it onto the sheet in the spare bedroom.

That's right, I have SPARE ROOMS in my flat. They're not even being used, they're just sitting there.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:10, Reply)

I think we understand the concept of spare.
Am jealous my new flat for next year is gash.
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:16, Reply)

haha!
you don't have me on ignore!

Psychochomp
PsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochomp
PsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochomp
PsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochomp
PsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochompPsychochomp
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:17, Reply)

was this an elaborate ploy just to find that out?
because no normal person would start such a "rapey, sex offenderish" thread would they?
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:20, Reply)

Haha!
Got me in one, Chompy!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:21, Reply)

If it took more than one I would be ashamed. You're not exactly 'subtle' are you?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:28, Reply)

shit is what I aim for, Chompy

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:32, Reply)

shall I start calling you Bert Hawkeye? or just cuntycuntycuntface?

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:36, Reply)

I'd just like to point out at this stage
that I own quite a big house

my kitchen is so large I comfortably have a piano in it.

I feel I haven't been smug enough recently.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:18, Reply)

I'm going to cry

(PsychoChomp, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:22, Reply)

I'd offer you a spare room
but one is being decorated, and the other has a part time occupant

otherwise it'd be perfect
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:23, Reply)

he's lying,
he invited me to stay there about an hour ago. He said it's been freshly decorated for me and everything.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:24, Reply)

decorated for you and decorated for someone else are worlds apart though

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:32, Reply)

it's true,
a homeless person is probably quite likely to turn down a spare room if the decor is Baroque when he favours Rococo.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:34, Reply)

I see Chompy as an art deco kind of chap

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:37, Reply)

I see him as having a Warhol-style picture of Applebite
Who's looking shocked and clutching a towel to her, dominating one wall of his bedroom.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:40, Reply)

I believe you may be right
probably helps that the photo in her profile has just such a shocked face, so can picture it
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:43, Reply)

mindpiss
albeit 3 mins later because I didn't f5
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:46, Reply)

I bet Chompy's the one who took that picture that's in her profile

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:46, Reply)

Actually he's more cubist
Here's a picture of him taken earlier today.


A promising career in football ruined by his inability to control where his headers went.
(Cave Duck, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:49, Reply)

that looks like the bastard child of Kryten and the Elephant Man

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:52, Reply)

Bah, I go to the effort of setting you up for a
"It never stopped Emile Hesksy" line and you've fluffed it.
Poor effort, Sir.
(Cave Duck, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:57, Reply)

I thought about a Heskey joke
but I was overwhelmed by the thought of what I posted.

I apologise.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:01, Reply)

it's true, you haven't been particularly smug of late
that post makes up for it in spades though.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:25, Reply)

I'm lording it over you because I have spare rooms
and you don't even have one.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:23, Reply)

I'll give you a tit wank
I'm a bloke mind, but I reckon you could get up a decent head of steam with these wabs
( Theoban What of it, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:04, Reply)

Phew

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:05, Reply)

you're not single roota
otherwise, I'd fucking destroy you
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:06, Reply)

Neither's Kitty
Where's her immunity?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:08, Reply)

yeah why am I being dragged into this travesty?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:09, Reply)

Hahah great word

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:11, Reply)

shut up and make me a bodice
and some motherfucking tea
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:11, Reply)

ponce
you don't deserve a harem
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:14, Reply)

tough
you've been chosen now, the few elite online girls have been selected. There can be no escape
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:16, Reply)

we're the only girls here
it's not like some cosmic connection or something
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:18, Reply)

It's written in the stars, K

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:20, Reply)

aw, you called me K, it's like I'm already at home
*sobs*
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:28, Reply)

it's true you could do with a girdle.
maybe some Spanx.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:27, Reply)

because you are clearly not happy with wiggy
and bert can't stand that you are pining after me
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:15, Reply)

Just out of interest, Vippers, is there anyone on B3ta who doesn't want to fuck you
IN YOUR MIND?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:17, Reply)

I've never claimed that loads of people want to fuck me
just kitty, and probably roota, and anyway, it's more like they are in love with me.

obviously I know you want to fuck me, but that's just because you are a bertie woofter and can't resist any man.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:19, Reply)

I don't want to fuck you Vipros
Just look awesome together, walking away from an explosion. An explosion, I might add, that we don't even flinch or look back upon, we just walk away like badasses.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:21, Reply)

I'm sure we can make that happen

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:22, Reply)

And you can have Roota and Kitty fawning over you
And I'll be looking at the director, motioning my displeasure at the lack of lovely ladies draping themselves over me. The director then points to the 'comic relief sidekick' part of my character description, and I throw a paddy and flounce off to my trailer.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:26, Reply)

we couldn't very well have the sidekick being the one with the beard now could we?
that'd just make a mockery of the whole thing
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:30, Reply)

I actually have a semi-beard at the moment
So I'm thinking that pushes this more into 'buddy cop' levels of equality, rather than hero-and-sidekick. You wanna be bad cop, or shall I?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:32, Reply)

we should change between good and bad at random intervals

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:33, Reply)

With not even a nod of acknowledgement to one another
It's like we just know.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:35, Reply)

You'd get halfway and realise no-one is watching you
then one of you would say "hang about, how often will we get chance to see something this cool in real life?"

and turn around and watch it

possibly discussing the chemical composition thereof
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:24, Reply)

To be honest, this would also apply if they were discussing having sex.

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:28, Reply)

I like this
"You know, Labs, given that he had three bananas for breakfast I'd say his fwap is likely 60% potassium"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:31, Reply)

*chews, appearing lost in thought*
"The elasticity confirms this"
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:33, Reply)

there's a flaw here
I fucking hate bananas
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:33, Reply)

Ironically, in an unrelated matter, the bloke who sits at the desk next to mine is holding a banana
It's a big banana. I said it reminded me of my penis. Not in terms of size, but rather shape, consistency and colour

He gave me a strange look and put the banana away
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:36, Reply)

excellent work
how is the new job going?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:38, Reply)

Aww, aren't you sweet for remembering/asking
Not bad cheers. Although my client portfolio seems to be changing by the day. Apparently I'm now in charge of Legal & General. Not the whole company, you understand. Not yet.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:41, Reply)

aren't I just?
glad it's going well.

you twat
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:41, Reply)

Yes you are
cunty-chops
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:42, Reply)

I'm very happy with Wiggy
I just have enough love to share.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:28, Reply)

I'll accept that
*high fives*
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:30, Reply)

*misses*
sorry, I've never been very good at those.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:35, Reply)

Always look at the other person's elbow when high fiving
You'll never miss.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:36, Reply)

there's a science to high fiving?
ha, win.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:40, Reply)

I was playing beach volleyball the other day at Watergate Bay
and before we revealed how shit we all are, my mate paul and I pulled off some fluke good moves followed by a flawless Top Gun style high-low five.

We were well pleased.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:36, Reply)

That is in no way gay

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:39, Reply)

we were in wetsuits stripped to the waist too
also, our mate was dressed as snow white, and wearing red fishnets and army boots.

it was his stag do though.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:40, Reply)

stag do wet dream come to life
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:42, Reply)

ha
probably

he looked disturbingly like his little sister.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:42, Reply)

I wish there was a strikethrough equivalent
for swapping words. Then I wouldn't have had to type out this convoluted explanation for my assertion that your mate looked like disturbing his little sister
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:45, Reply)

you at least drew attention to me missing out a couple of letters
which changed the meaning of what I'd written.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:48, Reply)

And now my overwrought post makes no fucking sense
cheers
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:52, Reply)

can't......reply......too...gay....

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:39, Reply)

can't self-evidently can
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:41, Reply)

I know
irony lolz
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:43, Reply)

Well, let's not go nuts
lolz
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:46, Reply)

er...I...erm
shutup!

*sulks*
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:51, Reply)

I thank you
*chomps croissant*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:53, Reply)

*croissants Chompy*
that's right, I made it a verb.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:44, Reply)

Bad news for Wiggy. And Vipros
your hand-eye co-ordination is obviously bobbins
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:39, Reply)

Joy.
I'm positively frothing with excitement :/


And I like how you put 'fun' in inverted commas.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:08, Reply)

I did that because although you do seem 'fun'
I think it may be a front for underlying mental and emotional problems
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:10, Reply)

*comedy trombones*

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:08, Reply)

comedy
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:10, Reply)

You can trombone me on Thursdays, we've already discussed this
Oh, it is Thursday!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:11, Reply)

I don't recall this so-called discussion, Sir.

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:12, Reply)

That's because when I said 'we'
I meant 'I'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:14, Reply)

I don't think I've ever tromboned before
is it strictly a position where I have to be behind you?
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:18, Reply)

Nope
isn't it like teabagging but you have to stroke the shaft?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:20, Reply)

No, it's rimming while jacking the shaft

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:22, Reply)

and wobbling your jowls like Harold Bishop?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:23, Reply)

strictly from behind the man?

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:24, Reply)

If you can stretch your tongue out to rim from the front, go for it

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:26, Reply)

no need, you just shove his knees to his ears and hello, puckering princess displayed nicely for your tonguing

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:28, Reply)

O_O

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:29, Reply)

You mean you've not done this to your man?!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:33, Reply)

>_<
no.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Wow...
I would call you a prude, but no girl's offered to do it to me.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:37, Reply)

that's where poop comes out!
I'm not fucking licking that.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:38, Reply)

Proper preparations are obviously in order
Before it's to be attempted.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:42, Reply)

it's a delicate flower, kitty
it deserves a kiss
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:42, Reply)

there's nothing delicate about that hole on a man
least of all what it produces.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:52, Reply)

The same could be said for the mouth or penis
I bet that doesn't stop you fellating either
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:53, Reply)

this
for real
besides, that hole is the same on a woman
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:01, Reply)

True, but it throws the angle of shaft-stroking off
Wouldn't look like you're playing a trombone.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:30, Reply)

well, if his arse is in the air a bit, hips tilted, and you'd still be stroking forward

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:33, Reply)

Hmm, like he's resting his weight on his shoulders and neck?
I can see that.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:34, Reply)

ok, so I've definitely tromboned before.

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:38, Reply)

*highfives*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:42, Reply)

is this highfive worthy?
after making out and highfiving last weekend the guy wants to highfive me all of the time, not everything is highfive worthy.
( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:49, Reply)

I was more highfiving because you brazenly admit to tromboning
Making out is not worth highfiving. Synchronised orgasms is.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:52, Reply)

heck yes it is

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 15:01, Reply)

Yeah
THAT's what would stop it looking like you were playing the trombone
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:33, Reply)

I'm pretty sure it involved tossed salad.

( Lisette von Falcon, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:22, Reply)

You BITCH
*flounces off*
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:12, Reply)

Haha
Fuck you
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:13, Reply)

+I'd

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:15, Reply)

and you

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:15, Reply)

My god, man, have you NO SHAME?!
Does that delightful weekend in Cleethorpes mean NOTHING to you now?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:16, Reply)

I'm a slag, I can't help it

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:18, Reply)

You could have told me this in private
instead of on NATIONAL TELEVISION

I miss Springer
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:22, Reply)

Kyle is a good substitute, because he is an
ANGRY MAN
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:22, Reply)

it's funny because he judges them
and then goes home to drink and beat his wife
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:29, Reply)

apparently he is OCD and addicted to gambling

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:33, Reply)

he's a fucking mess
he's in no position to judge these parasites of society.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:36, Reply)

Yeah
We should do it instead
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:43, Reply)

I could be so judgemental, it'd be brilliant

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:52, Reply)

Yes you would. Be brilliant, that is. Although the more judgmental the better, these people need a good verbal smackdown
I'd be the comic relief
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:55, Reply)

Not enough violence though
just people who make you wonder why there isn't some kind of qualification attached to the ability to reproduce. Like an exam that should be passed. The first question would be "are you willing to go on Jeremy Kyle?"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:30, Reply)

Cleethorpes - birthplace of the man who wrote Thriller.
One of my favourite music facts.
(Cave Duck, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:26, Reply)

If this is what it takes to put the spark back into our relationship
then I guess I'll just have to be OK with it.
( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:26, Reply)

I don't think _I_ have ever looked so attractive before.

( G/PP &#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 17:00, Reply)

don't put yourself down, Gonz
you're a very handsome man
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 17:59, Reply)

I'll remain
the one that got away....
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 18:15, Reply)

Aw, chickenlady
you're old hat my dear, this was only for the new lady b3tans. There will always be a special place in my heart for you
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 18:50, Reply)

Awww!
I'm touched. Truly touched.

Okay, you can stop touching now.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 18:55, Reply)

Wow that makes me feel so special. To be considered a new lady b3tan, by you. Yes.

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 19:02, Reply)

I was flirting with chickenlady, BGB, tourette's, happylittletulip and co
before you were even a twinkle in your mother's lubricating juices, so stop nagging me woman, it's not your turn until the weekend is over
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 19:04, Reply)

Oh bless, I knew I was the best you'd ever had.

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 18:36, Reply)

I wish I could remember :(
EDIT if you really did do that thing with your mouth that you said you did with your mouth, then you deserve some kind of medal
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 18:50, Reply)

er hello
And just where do I fit in you bastard? Bacon chef??
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 18:41, Reply)

Again, you're not one of the newer lady b3tans
but I've reserved the bottom two inches of my trouser friend just for you
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 18:52, Reply)

isn't that
The same as the top two??!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 18:55, Reply)

the top two is where the sex piss comes out
so, no
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 19:00, Reply)

i meant
Because your cock is only two inches long so the top two and the bottom two inches are the same thing.

Come on dude, keep up!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 19:09, Reply)

Oh, I thought you were implying that I had a four-incher
I should have known you wouldn't be that generous
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 19:11, Reply)

i'm just playing hard to get

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 19:15, Reply)

Well that doesn't work on idiots like me
you have to be fully explicit and virtually rape me for me to get the message.
I'm pretty slow.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 19:22, Reply)

if you were lucky enough to be raped by me
You would not be slow. Trust me!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 19:40, Reply)

Heehee
I'm starting to get the feeling that you're actually flirting with me, Swipey.
I'm sure I'd be damned lucky to be on the receiving end of your sexual assault. How's your holiday going?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 19:47, Reply)

it is very rainy again today
So we went to see your namesakes in the rainforest. The monkeys, not the sex! Now trying to put off going to the gym as I am forcing myself to go everyday and there is no excuse when there is no sunshine....

Awesome holiday though, such a stunning island
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 20:03, Reply)

I bet it is
When you get back you'll have to add me on facebook so that I can wank over take a look at your holiday snaps
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 20:23, Reply)

so far
They are all of crab racing and boats. And hot huge locals. And a stag night. Depends how eclectic your wanking tastes are!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 20:32, Reply)

it's all good to me

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 20:43, Reply)

alrighty then
kemo the catamaran captain will be all yours for your frotting pleasure.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 20:55, Reply)

Kemo's one of those names that sounds about as sexy
as losing all your hair and throwing up five times a day
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 21:21, Reply)

his six pack is v v hot though
Nice brad pitt muscles. Not that I was looking, far too busy snoozing with a rum punch in hand on the hammock!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 22:46, Reply)