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(I helped save b3ta! rob, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Righty-ho.
'I have a young la-dy' (Jimmy Saville voice) coming round to my chateau for dinner this evening. The last time I was in this situation I ended up nearly being knifed in the stomach and glassed (not that night, I hasten to add), and eventually in a year-long six grand legal battle.

I'm severely out of practice. Your handy tips please.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:49, 321 replies, latest was 16 years ago)
Are you cooking?

(PsychoChomp, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:50, Reply)
A massive
Blockbuster 4 course meal
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:51, Reply)
Then all he needs to do is not fuck that up, and stay more sober than her.
Chicks are easy to please.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:52, Reply)
We are, aren't we?
Just don't say anything stupid and cook something nice, and we are all yours, silly us.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:53, Reply)
You are once you get them to agree to come over for dinner,
before that you're more picky.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:56, Reply)
I agree with you
If we are going to your home, clearly, you're winning the battle. Just don't do anything stupid and keep winning.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:57, Reply)
no we're not
we just fake being pleased better than men do
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:12, Reply)
I am indeed.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:52, Reply)
Don't fuck it up,
or if you do fuck it up do it in good humour.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:53, Reply)
And use a condom

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:53, Reply)
I think it's better to serve the soup in bowls myself.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:54, Reply)
pervert

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:55, Reply)
You're boring
Put them in condoms and freeze them. They're good fun.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:56, Reply)
I have so many good restaurants near me
my 'backup' hand is strong.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:55, Reply)
Make sure your pimp hand is as well.

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:57, Reply)


(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:42, Reply)

up
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:58, Reply)
Don't wear the Nazi uniform.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:50, Reply)
Ah. I thought women liked a 'strong man'.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:53, Reply)
Yeah, wear the Hulk Hogan outfit instead.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:54, Reply)
no no no
animal print leotard, leather belt, bald head, big moustache
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:55, Reply)
dreeeeeeeeamy

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:56, Reply)
I knew you'd be a sucker for the circus strong man look

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:58, Reply)
And a penny farthing?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:02, Reply)
I like to sing the little
do do doodle do do do dododo song during sex too
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:13, Reply)
Dressed as clown.
Pretending that's why they're laughing.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:16, Reply)
Whatevs wooks
whatevs
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:17, Reply)
Or is because they have a whip in one hand
and a three-legged stool in the other?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:30, Reply)
Are you now just delving into your fantasies?

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:30, Reply)
A little bit, yeah.
Go on, squirt me in the face with your comedy pretend flower, I love it.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:36, Reply)
ohhhhkaaaaay

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:48, Reply)
Wow! I've never met anyone who'd do that for me before!
Now, I've heard about this thing with a caterpillar cake...
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:05, Reply)
I thought you had given up on women
Look for the "crazy eyes" If she has crazy eyes, there's nothing you can do.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:51, Reply)
Try not to get angry and punch her
Especially not in the womb. They don't like getting punched in the womb.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:51, Reply)
How do you know that?
Have you been trying. Do you have scientific statistics to prove it? How many subjects participated on the test?
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:52, Reply)
Let's do a survey
Would you like an angry Monty to punch you in the womb?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:54, Reply)
No
That's 1 in your list of noes.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:55, Reply)
And 0 on my list of yeses

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:57, Reply)
I think
you need more than 1 subject, though. Keep asking.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:57, Reply)
Those who've had a hysterectomy might not mind so much.

(Cave Duck, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:03, Reply)
bathe

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:52, Reply)
I had a bath in June. Surely that'll do?

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:53, Reply)
how did she feel about that?

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:53, Reply)
She fuckin' lovesh it up de arsch.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:56, Reply)
Thats June Whitfield,
not Petula Clark..........
(Purpledoris I've got afeckin' job, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:14, Reply)
Splendid.

(Cave Duck, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:04, Reply)
that'll be fine
it's not even near Christmas yet
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:54, Reply)
No means no

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:53, Reply)
Be nice,
be relaxed, be charming. Don't ask her right off the bat if she does anal
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:53, Reply)
hahaha analpiss

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:54, Reply)
Diarrhoea?

(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:54, Reply)
oooh nice

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:55, Reply)
That's my sister's joke
She's dirty. Sorry.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:58, Reply)
wrong bodily-excretion :D
mindshit
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:55, Reply)
Enjoy yourself
and ask before turning her over and doing her up the wrong 'un.
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:54, Reply)
this should be in top tips

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:57, Reply)
Even though you will HATE all of her music and film tastes
don't call her an uncultured moron. You won't be on the internet. She will take it seriously.
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:55, Reply)
No she won't. I've tested this out already.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:57, Reply)
Does she like MASSIVE drugs?

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:57, Reply)
Yes. I have tested this out already.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:58, Reply)
marry her
You won't find anyone else you like
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:58, Reply)
Sorry to use the law of parsimony here
but are you dating yourself in a dress?
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:00, Reply)
No it's his brother in a dress

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:07, Reply)
I do hope so.
All the more tuck for me!!!!11!!
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:09, Reply)
Monty in a dress, sat opposite a mirror, blonde wig askew, badly applied make-up smearing over his face, slopping soup into mouth...
I'm all turned on, now.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:14, Reply)
Me too. Corrrrr!!!

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard.
(b3tamax Mate, you're fat and I'll throw you in the river, Fri 10 Sep 2010, 0:56, Reply)
scrape the crusty bits off
the bedsheet and the carpet around the sleeping area.
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:57, Reply)
Have you made absolutely, categorically sure that said la-dy is not your ex?

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:58, Reply)
Yes I have.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:59, Reply)
Good, that's the first important step.
2. Any further luck in finding champagne flutes in the uncivilised desert of North Finchley?
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:02, Reply)
Nein. I shall to stop off in Islington where there must be fucking MILLIONS.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:08, Reply)
Good call. You can probably even get organic fairtrade free-range ones there
3. Have your given your tweed dungs a wash?
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:10, Reply)
Steamed, pressed and ready to slide gracefully to the floor in front of the fire.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:26, Reply)
Jolly good. She'll like a man who takes care of himself.
4. Now then, fire. Standard log and coal combination, or will you be throwing some jews (or other ethnic minorities) on there for an 'exotic' touch?
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:27, Reply)
As it's Jewish New Year I thought incinerating a couple might be seasonal.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:49, Reply)
Ah, of course! Perfect timing.
Well, I think that's all the advice I have. Just make sure the swastika flag is hanging neatly above the fireplace, a bit of Mötörhead on the stereo for romantic ambience, and you can't go wrong.

All that remains is for me to wish you good luck, Öbergruppenführer, and have a top night.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:52, Reply)
they'll have finished the meal and will be reclining gently on the sofa with a glass of wine in hand
and he'll lean in to kiss her and suddenly she'll pull of her rubber mask and it'll be...duh duh duuuuuuuhh...THE EX!
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:00, Reply)
From what I've heard about his ex
It won't be a rubber mask, it'll be the face of her nextdoor neighbour.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:02, Reply)
try not to sound too dismissive of things she likes
I know it's exaggerated on here, but I actually broke up with a guy for saying that everything was shit. I would say "where do you want to go for lunch? Subway?"
"Subway's shit"
"Ok, how about the cafe in the shopping centre"
"the cafe's shit"
"o..k..how about we go and get something from Tesco and eat it in the park?"
"Tesco is shit. The park's shit".

He was like that about everything, it was exhausting.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:58, Reply)
I thought one was supposed to 'be oneself'?

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:59, Reply)
you have to trick them first
into thinking you are a normal well-balanced person.

Once they are ensnared, that is when you release the crazy. Take a lesson from ANY WOMAN EVER!
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:00, Reply)
This is so true.
I cannot stress how true this is.

Do you think Wiggy thought I was a lazy, high maintenance shitehawk when he met me? No, he thought "this is the woman I've been waiting for, she's so balanced and devoid of psychosis, her flat is so clean and tidy, she hasn't once mentioned mayonnaise".
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:03, Reply)
I've just noticed your sig *prouds*

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:05, Reply)
It well made me laugh
and I think it's top of popular as well :D
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:05, Reply)
it's the best insult I've seen in a while

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:07, Reply)
ugh don't encourage him on his first day back
*shakes fist at LAAK*

Oh LAAK is my name for lampito, applebite, amberl and kitty. You're all pretty interchangable in my mind. No offense like.
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:07, Reply)
Your face is interchangable
You are Mrs Potatohead AICMFP.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:08, Reply)
Oh man I'd love to have an interchangable face
I'd get a big steel spike and then ram it through your smug gurning face
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:09, Reply)
You should do it
It's the only chance of nailing me you'll ever have
*black woman finger clicks and head bobs*
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:11, Reply)
This is cruel TGB
can't you tell me apart by my poledancing?
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:12, Reply)
:D

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:13, Reply)
I honestly don't know if you are in the poledancing brigade or not
I hope you're not and you're being sarcastic because then I may upgrade you out of the pack
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:14, Reply)
I don't poledance haha
So do I get my upgrade?
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:16, Reply)
You're on a provisional upgrade

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:28, Reply)
oi!
stop dissing my poledancing. I'll have you know it's very empowering.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:22, Reply)
stop dissing my vagina. I'll have you know it's very engulfing

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:27, Reply)
I heard that when you uncross your legs it's like a total eclipse.

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:36, Reply)
That would make the best transformer ever
Shagmyarse Prime
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:13, Reply)
Lampito doesn't do that
*pointed silence*
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:15, Reply)
All girls do that you just need to know the magic words

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:16, Reply)
Does this smell of chloroform to you?

(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:17, Reply)
I was thinking more along the lines of
please please please, I'll do anything, I'll buy you anything please please please.
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:18, Reply)
"I'll buy you those shoes you always bang on about"?

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:17, Reply)
here's a man that knows.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:18, Reply)
no no
that's what his girlfriend said to him
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:21, Reply)
Very nice shoes they are too

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:22, Reply)
Able to walk yet?

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:26, Reply)
there's a breaking in joke here
but I'm off home so laters.
(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:27, Reply)
They haven't been delivered yet
The shop said they'd have to order in the "tranny sizes".
Oh, you weren't talking about the shoes...
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:27, Reply)
Don't laugh at my 3 nevers.

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:30, Reply)
I already have
remember?
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:32, Reply)
I'm glad that was never on open board.
DON'T YOU DARE
(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:34, Reply)
I promised I wouldn't
I'm a man of my word.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:38, Reply)
Special move
The FACE PUNCH
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:15, Reply)
nah it would need to involve the pole.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:17, Reply)
I can swing right around it and boot people in the face if that helps

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:22, Reply)
name it and it's your signature move.

(I helped save b3ta! SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:24, Reply)
it's called KITTY SMASH!

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:28, Reply)
that's the one
you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:34, Reply)
I don't like you no matter your mood.

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:38, Reply)
:(
I has a sad now
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:44, Reply)
lollerskates jk
You're alright, you *punches your arm*.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:45, Reply)
I managed to invent a pole move, it's called the Raptor Run
it involves running around the pole until I'm effectively spinning horizontally. It's not sexy.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:35, Reply)
Beware.

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:30, Reply)
*cringes*

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:39, Reply)
You've had your allocation of punch

(I helped save b3ta! Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:45, Reply)
Punchmaster has plenty of punch to go around!
Punchmaster!
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:47, Reply)
I'm gonna interchange your face with my fist
you giant bevadged harridan!
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:13, Reply)
One point for bevadged

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:15, Reply)
do I not get a point for taking what you said and adding 'your face'?

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:23, Reply)
no
Only lab gets points for that.

oh LAB LAAAAB!
JAYKAY SAYS DANCE!
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:26, Reply)
Ok, so I just looked around the office
Everyone's busy, so did a little chairdance.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:28, Reply)
YAY
:D

I said the jaykay thing the other day and then realised you were the only one who would get it
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:29, Reply)
And you felt dirty for thinking about me, I know
I missed you too.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:30, Reply)
I'll have to cardance by myself next week :(

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:31, Reply)
Serves you right for going there Thursday
I can't take the Friday off, so will be leaving work at 3:30pm. I'll be car dancing, although it will feel lonely and sad.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:32, Reply)
I have thursday off too
I may go get my hair cut
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:45, Reply)
Do it.
I like that thing you did with it that one time.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:48, Reply)
You get to see my sexy boots too
(see how I am pretending you'll make it)
(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:48, Reply)
Woo and yay
Although I'm upset you didn't fall for my setup.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:50, Reply)
When I had ridiculous lesbian hair in edinburgh?

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:52, Reply)
No, because I also prefer it when you hadn't straightened it and it was all curly and you sulked.
In my head, the exchange went
Me: I like that thing you did with it that one time.
You: What thing, what time?
Me: That one time you styled it.
*highfives all 'round*
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:58, Reply)
OOOH INJOKES
fuck you both.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:34, Reply)
Fuck off to your injoke yacht, with your injoke lover then
YEAH!
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:39, Reply)
Can I be the first to shout
CLIQUE! ?
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:43, Reply)
shut up or I'll get the clique on you.

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:45, Reply)
whatever LAK

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:46, Reply)
Shut it you, The Giant Bevadged

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:56, Reply)
that's neither a clique nor an in-joke
real feelings people. REAL FEELINGS
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:52, Reply)
They just don't understand our love do they?

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:55, Reply)
I saw some cracking yachts on holiday
What are you after, traditional sailing boat, or sleek wave-slicing techno yacht?
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:57, Reply)
oyster 66

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:58, Reply)
I'm amazed
Astonished, even, with the swiftness and precision of your reply.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:59, Reply)
I can actually sail
and have a reasonably wide knowledge of yachts

it serves no purpose other than to astonish the unsuspecting.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:02, Reply)
*doffs cap*

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:03, Reply)
*reciprocates*

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:07, Reply)
why would they?
they are all cold, soulless, loveless husks
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:57, Reply)
Poem for you
you do realise that thanks to TGB
confess your love for Kitty,
and for the price of one get three
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:16, Reply)
I don't understand your poem

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:17, Reply)
I'm going to put it at the bottom of the page
so it has actual linebreaks
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:23, Reply)
Well it's on there, so I'm preening
And yes, women do exactly as Vipros describes. The ones who do a slow release of crazy are the ones who managed to fully ensnare their victims. It's a lot like boiling a frog.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:07, Reply)
that is exactly it
I swear Mrs V was taller when we were getting together as well
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:08, Reply)
Ever heard of heels?

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:10, Reply)
no
and anyway, she didn't wear heels. Doesn't much now either.
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:10, Reply)
is that because you're secretly a pygmy?

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:14, Reply)
yes
a 6'2" pygmy
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:15, Reply)
The rarest of the pygmies

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:24, Reply)
*vigorous handshake, with extra hand on the elbow*

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:03, Reply)
*reciprocates*

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:06, Reply)
In your case
I strongly advise against it. You'll have more luck being more like Chompy or Moaty.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:01, Reply)
good luck getting date number 2
YOU MISERABLE FUCK.

Although I suppose she already knows what you're like, she might be like that too. So she'll say "do you want to watch this film?" and you'll go "nah..." and then you'll both say in unison "IT'S SHIT!" and fall about laughing.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:01, Reply)
I'm going home now
Good night tonight. Tomorrow we'll want to know everything about it. In fact, why don't you record a video of the night and then post it here?

No, really, good luck!
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:59, Reply)
and to You've Been Framed
and on failblog.org.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:00, Reply)
and 'You've Been Maimed'

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:01, Reply)
haha

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:03, Reply)
Thank you - will do!

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:00, Reply)
Ok, so since Aberracion doesn't seem to believe me
How many of you ladies would like to be punched in the womb by an angry Monty, and how many wouldn't?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 15:59, Reply)
I wouldn't

(Bazongaloid, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:07, Reply)
not so much

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:52, Reply)
Tell her that you like cats, chicks dig cats that like cats

(The Cat Hater punch a cow for the planet, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:01, Reply)
Only the emotionally stunted ones do.

(I helped save b3ta! crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:50, Reply)
Remember to perform emergency contraception
by stopping intercourse, finishing yourself off and screaming the Lord's prayer.

Alternatively, make your first question 'are you a mental?'
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:02, Reply)
I was thinking of hiding my weaponry* before she comes over


*not a euphemism in this instance, however good a euphemism it would be
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:05, Reply)
It's not deemed gentlemanly to greet a lady with your sword drawn, after all.

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:06, Reply)
that might be an idea
Weaponry is not the most reassuring thing to be greeted with
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:10, Reply)
They're nice pieces, though.
One is the dress sword worn by my great-grandfather to the coronation of (I believe) George V.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:15, Reply)
One piece is acceptable
especially an antique. An armoury is offputting.
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:18, Reply)
some girls like swords but prefer polearms
Also, if you have an axe you are going to be at least as armed as she it
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:57, Reply)
Whilst sitting down talking or wherever
Give her a banana and tell her to put it in her purse so she can have it for breakfast in the morning, and then when she does say 'is there a banana in your purse or are you just happy to see me'.

I may have stolen this from SATC.
(Barry from Eastenders is, despite the words written above, not a woman, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:04, Reply)
Give her a spork
and a plastic beaker.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:05, Reply)
My friend once spilled red wine on my newly laid cream carpet
the next time she came round she brought it in a sports bottle.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:07, Reply)
That's awesome
with the little pop-out sucker?

We're back to Monty's "weapon" already hohoho
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:10, Reply)
yup!
She knocked the bottle over about 17 times so it was well worth her looking like a retard drinking wine out of a plastic bottle.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:11, Reply)
Have all the anal jokes been done?
*scans replies*...DAMMIT!
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:07, Reply)
You're having dinner with a b3tan aren't you.
Admit it, you're having dinner with the b3tan that you had sex with the other night. I think I know who it is.

You sly dog.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:08, Reply)
No, I already had other plans for tonight

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:09, Reply)
hold up
Monty had sex with a female b3tan?
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:09, Reply)
Yes, he had sex with PyschoChomp

(Bazongaloid, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:12, Reply)
that is beyond disturbing

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:12, Reply)
He's actually a very sensitive lover.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:13, Reply)
That is beyond disturbing.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:14, Reply)
YOU BASTARD!!!!1



*cries in the lavatories*
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:16, Reply)
Answer the question Claire.
Does she or does she not own her own motorised transport?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:17, Reply)
How could you? He buys furniture from Ikea!

(Cave Duck, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:16, Reply)
I still haven't figure out which
but I could have a good guess
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:13, Reply)
I'm working on a process of elimination
Actually I have a question Monty, your answer will help me with my enquiries.

Does your young lady have her own motorised transportation?
(Bazongaloid, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:15, Reply)
I know exactly who it is,
I'm not telling though, I'm just pointing out that monty isn't as secretive as he thinks.
(PsychoChomp, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:26, Reply)
I prefer 'gentlemanly'

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:27, Reply)
well surely anyone who was at the bash knows who it is.

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:29, Reply)
You should have seen how drunk most were.

(PsychoChomp, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:31, Reply)
well they'd have to be pretty drunk to go home with Monty.
How come you didn't pull then eh?
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:32, Reply)
He attempted a hilarious rackjacking manouevre.
It backfired.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:34, Reply)
I keep telling you people
he did, he went back to Montys for poppers and fun.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:34, Reply)
Yep.
*whistles nonchalantly*
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:32, Reply)
No, they hid it really well.
I haven't the foggiest.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:32, Reply)
Who are you again?

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:37, Reply)
The one who used to have hair.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:38, Reply)
It's fun knowing
but who cares? :D
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:42, Reply)
There were only a few people left that it could have been when I went home
So it was either Crow, Chompy or wookie. And I don't think wookie was that desperate.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:32, Reply)
You'd be surprised...

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:33, Reply)
Nah, I hadn't fucked up my date by then.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:35, Reply)
I went home with Crow.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:35, Reply)
I thought I did?

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:37, Reply)
You went home on your bike, old chap.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:38, Reply)
I was a little worse for
wear. Mind you, the trip to Elephant was easier than I expected!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:41, Reply)
I think I'd have broken your back wheel...

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:38, Reply)

wheel doors in.
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:41, Reply)
Well quite.
Poor chap had a very lucky escape in that respect...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:42, Reply)
I don't think you'll get it

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:15, Reply)
the only question we need to know
the answer to is, is she on /offtopic?
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:21, Reply)
Female B3tans
are distinguished fromt he males by having slightly more shapely boobs.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:13, Reply)
I've been trying to get out of him who it is
but he's not having it.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:11, Reply)
It was TGB
Can't you tell?
(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:12, Reply)
She can't

(I helped save b3ta! sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:17, Reply)
hahaha

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:25, Reply)
he will be tonight
***JOKE***
(PsychoChomp, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:13, Reply)
*barks*

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:12, Reply)
Make your shrine to Moaty the centre-piece of your living room
so that right off the bat she knows that if you even suspect she's cheating then someone's getting shot in the face.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:11, Reply)
^ADVICE GOLD^
This is the sort of thing I was hoping for.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:12, Reply)
Also, don't forget to finish off
by whispering 'awooga' in her ear and then patting her on the fanny.
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:10, Reply)
Women like three things:...
...men in kilts, Southern Comfort, and Chris Isaac's Wicked Game.
Also - be sure to wash your balls just in case.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:14, Reply)
Southern Comfort is ming!
it's for students and people trying to pretend they have taste.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:26, Reply)
A friend described it as "Diabetic's Piss"...
...which I found rather prosaic.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:32, Reply)
haha that's brilliant.

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:33, Reply)
try using your finger tips instead
she'll prefer that
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:14, Reply)
You prefer the whole forearm
you and TGB have a lot in common.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:16, Reply)
I hate you

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:19, Reply)
I can't wait to see you in October
I'm going to fill my pants with styrofoam packing for when you kick me.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:20, Reply)
I'm going to kick you in the head

(I helped save b3ta! TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:22, Reply)
I think that's already pretty padded

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:27, Reply)
excuse me
there are 6 year old nuns with slacker chuffs than me.
(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:19, Reply)
that's catholicism for you.

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:27, Reply)
Use crisp and dry as massage oil
and then you can grill her for information afterwards.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:16, Reply)
oh this was bad.
this was soooo bad.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:27, Reply)
Heh.

(Cave Duck, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:19, Reply)
hey rach
if I receive an unsolicited text from a debt management company and I text back telling them go fuck themselves am I likely to get in trouble?
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:26, Reply)
Only if they seek compensation for injuries caused whilst trying to fuck themselves at your instruction.

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:29, Reply)
haha
shit I should have been more cautious with my wording. I also called them parasites, so I suppose that's libellous.
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:33, Reply)
You'll just have to put together a convincing argument
in which you claim that "parasite" was used as an analogy for the manner in which they suck the "blood" from the helpless, struggling "hosts" that are civilisation and decency.

You should be in luck though, because most of the people who end up on juries are those who couldn't find a good excuse because they'd only have spent the week watching Jeremy Kyle in their pyjamas, and probably owe considerable sums to debt management companies themselves.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:37, Reply)
wait a minute, you're not RSwipe or Internet Lawyer Man
Why am I taking advice from you?!
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:46, Reply)
Because you are a fool.

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:47, Reply)
that's libel.

(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:57, Reply)
Only if you win the case
If I win, you're legally a fool. Play your cards very carefully.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:01, Reply)
Get her to run the pregnancy assualt course after your carnal act of sin
Rollerskate at teh top of the stairs
Smash Bros so you can FALCCCCCCCCCCCON PUNCH without guilt
Knitting kneedle dong
Bottle of baileys and paracetamol
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:14, Reply)
*clicks hard*

(I helped save b3ta! Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:19, Reply)
SHOW ME YOUR MOVES
Also, welcome back.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:29, Reply)
Just slap your old chap down on the table and yell:
"THE BIRDS GO MAD FOR CAPTAIN MONTY'S SPECIAL SAUCE!"

If she looks confused, just tell her it's the starter, and it's jelly for afters.
(I helped save b3ta! Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:34, Reply)
And then point out that by "Afters" you actually mean, her bottom



and by "Jelly" you mean your penis.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:36, Reply)
Smooth.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:38, Reply)
Only if you use jelly as lube

(Bazongaloid, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:40, Reply)
What if 'she don't use jelly'...
...on her Flaming Lips?
*gets coat*
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:47, Reply)
This is good stuff lads, keep it coming
*writes feverishly*
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:43, Reply)
I would give you some advice
but I seem to have lost the stamp on which I wrote everything I know about women and the art of seduction.

Good luck anyway.
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:35, Reply)
Postage stamp sex advice?
You gotta lick it before you stick it.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:37, Reply)
I aint licking the head of an old queen!

(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:40, Reply)
this is a terrible lie

(I helped save b3ta! rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:41, Reply)
I was young and needed the money.
I'm off to Sweden tomorrow, WOO! (then back on Monday, boo!)
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:44, Reply)
that's not what I've heard

(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:42, Reply)
I really wish I hadn't written that book,
"Old Queens wot i've licked" by Colonel_Dracula
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:46, Reply)
Well I wish I hadn't bought it.
£8.99 of PURE FILTH.
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:49, Reply)
Volume 2 is even worse.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:51, Reply)
Uh. The pop-up one? Tell me about it.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:52, Reply)
I was a particular fan
of the Magic Eye edition.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:01, Reply)
The Marquis de Sade would sick a rainbow over some of it
The city of Sodom would ban its publication
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:55, Reply)
the city of Gomarah, though
they are some dirty bastards.
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:17, Reply)
blimey!
good luck, fella. I suggest you hide all the porn
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:54, Reply)

hide proudly display
(I helped save b3ta! Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:57, Reply)
"Look, this one has lobsters in it!"

(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:58, Reply)
shell like that

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:59, Reply)
She'd better
That stuff ain't cheap, and I hear he's feeling the pinch at the moment
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:03, Reply)
I don't know how he'd claw back the costs

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:03, Reply)
depends on what type
this also goes for sex toys
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:58, Reply)
Inflatable Raoul Moat doll?

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:02, Reply)
in a hitler costume

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:04, Reply)
Drop 20p in front of her
and when she bends over to pick it up, nonchalantly slip your dick into her mouth.

Saves a lot of tedious small talk.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 16:58, Reply)
That will just exacerbate the 'small' talk, I fear.

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:02, Reply)
is it not big enough to fill her mouth, then?

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:03, Reply)
I'm hoping for a good night's 'nostrilling'

(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:08, Reply)
see if you can get her to actually suck a golf ball through a garden hose

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:10, Reply)
At least you won't be able
to make out the precise terms she uses.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:03, Reply)
the mouth has teeth though
teeth + knob + surprise = unsatisfactory conclusion
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:03, Reply)
Grab the throat
Natural reflex will be to gasp for air, opening the mouth and releasing the scarred helmet.

I've probably thought about this too much...
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:04, Reply)
you never know when that might come in handy
I will file that away under survival tips
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:06, Reply)
She'll be overcome
by the romance of the situation.
(I helped save b3ta! Kroney, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:07, Reply)
I'M OFF TO GET SOME DATE RAPE DRUGS NOW

Wish me luck!
(I helped save b3ta! Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:11, Reply)
don't forget to have Orgasmatron playing as you welcome her into the inner sanctum

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:12, Reply)
she's one lucky lady

(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:13, Reply)
Damn,
I'm too late to tell him to have a dump at a suitable time before she arrives.

To give the ambience a chance to escape.
(I helped save b3ta! Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:14, Reply)
oh yeah!
also remember not to eat fart inducing foods beforehand, otherwise there could be inappropiate wind
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:16, Reply)
Vipros here you go
Realise that thanks to TGB
confess your love for Kitty,
and for the price of one get three
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:24, Reply)
I saw that further up
didn't understand it then, don't now
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:28, Reply)
it was a reference to the fact
that TGB cannot tell Applebite, Kitty and Lampito apart, and thus they only exist as a collective mass (I was part of it but upgraded by dint of sarcasm) therefore get Kitty, get two others free

/Chompy
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:29, Reply)
ah I see
wasn't thinking hard enough

I can live with that ;-)

sorry you miss out though. you must be devastated
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:30, Reply)
Well I thought it was funny
/defective humour gene.

I'm alright thanks. My disdain overpowered the natural urge to compete
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:33, Reply)
there's still room at the back of The Queue if you change your mind

(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:34, Reply)
A charming and gentlemanly offer
but one I shall have to refuse on grounds of still complete sanity
(I helped save b3ta! Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:35, Reply)
if you do drift into madness
the offer stands
(I helped save b3ta! Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:37, Reply)
i must be tired
I was scan reading and thought that said "my natural urge to defecate"
(I helped save b3ta! Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 17:34, Reply)
Can I just be the first to wish you good luck.

(I helped save b3ta! girlinthehole, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 18:01, Reply)
Is it too late to say....
Don't wipe your cock on the curtains (you are at home after all).
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 23:01, Reply)

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