I just remembered another one
It's not as if i dumped her though as nothing ever came remotely close to happening.
The oompa loompa that used to deliver the bacon sarnies to work was a foul beast of a woman.She never made any secret of the fact she wanted me to.

My workmates ,being proper friends decided what a jolly good lark it would be to let her think i felt the same.Which was all very funny until one of the twats gave her my phone number.

Much stalking ensued which included
Telling me no one puts the phone down on me.I was powerless to resist and hung up and turned it off.Turned it back on to about 50 voicemails demanding i talk to her.

Stalking me to my pre match pub and confronting me about ignoring her.In front of me mam.

Telling her husband she was divorcing him for me.

Staying on the mobile for a full 2 hours while me and my mate watched an entire football match.With the phone in the kitchen.

Getting her best mate(who was fit as fuck) to call me pleading me to see the good in her.

Which then led to me and fit as fuck best mate getting together.I eventually got rid of it by going down for a tasty snack on her best mate in front of her.

Apologies for girth.
(Moron is hungry, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 19:14, Reply)

Not the way I usually behave at all....
I'm 26 and have had 3 'proper' relationships (where the L word was mentioned in both directions and it looked like there was a future).

The second of these relationships was a year long head-fuck that left me in a bit of a mess. She cheated on me, she put me down all the time, got me to arrange to move 400 miles away then rang me on the day of my Grandma's funeral to say she wasn't coming up as planned. The laughing and pleading from one of our mutual friends for her to come back to bed should have been enough but I was stupid and young lol.

Anyway 2 days later she dumps me by text. Nice.

This led to me not wanting to be with anyone for a while, but we all have needs so after a few months I hooked up with someone I'd been chatting to online for a while. We got on really well and I thought we'd have some fun. Within a month she was asking me to marry her and telling all my friends that we were going to be together forever.

So, as I'm soft and had just come out of a very damaging relationship I didn't want to hurt her. We had 'the talk' which led to her crying and saying she couldn't live without me. I went to stay with a friend for a few days, and she rang me 10 times a day obsessing about how I was cheating on her. WTF? We weren't together anymore FFS (me and the friend became more than friends very briefly after a lot of alcohol but I wasn't cheating).

I tried ignoring her, which didn't work. I tried being blunt with her, which didn't work.

Fast forward a month of ignoring her calls as much as possible and trying to be civil when I could ignore her no longer, she came up to my home town without me knowing on my birthday (to surprise me apparently, well yeah that worked!), introduced herself to all my friends as my girlfriend and was generally annoying.

I didn't want to leave her in a strange city with nowhere to stay, so I took her to a hotel, gave her the one last time for old time's sake, and dumped her with no uncertainty that we were over the next morning.

Cruel I know, but I tried the nice way.
(flyme, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 18:49, Reply)

Psycho and The Bint
Just before Christmas my flatmate and I both found ourselves in relationships. He was seeing a girl from Uni and me a girl back home. Life seemed pretty sweet until they both systematically changed into Psycho (My Ex) and the Bint (his).

Now my problem was fairy simple, the skanky whore was busy opening her legs for every guy back home, a fact that was relayed to me by my brother and numerous other very good friends. Being fairly pissed off at this I simply decided that the best way to deal with her, after telling her exactly hat I thought of her, was to completely ignore her. She didn’t deserve the decent thing and so in my eyes she basically ceased to exist. Blocking her off MSN and blacklisted on my mobile phone failed to get rid of her and less than a week later I discover the young lady has been trying to get me to take notice of her by drastically altering her myspace page; I don’t have a myspace so it didn’t work but all of a sudden the little Emo (I say ‘little’, she is kind of fat) loves my favourite bands, books and films.

All the time she was acting like the victim, surely she should have just left me in peace? I eventually found a really nice girl (we met at a Viking Metal gig) and started going out. One quick email to the psycho and she has finally left me alone and considered us over…although I found out the other day that she has added my mother on facebook.

I know to many my troubles are not that big but just previous to that little saga my flatmate suffered under the spell of ‘The Bint’. The Bint is a foul creature and should you have the misfortune to meet her I pity you, I really do. The hero of this tale put up with her for what seemed like an age and upon finally chucking her we all breathed a sigh of relief. Here is what he tried to get rid of the eyeball licking toad

• Simply telling her…This was laughed off because of course she is incredible and doesn’t ever get dumped and he is such a silly boy because she is wonderful.

• Telling her again…More forcefully this time but she locked him into her apartment complex and he wasn’t allowed to leave until he agreed to stay with her.

• Utilising the services of the biggest Cnut in the flat (myself), playing Pantera and the like outside the bedroom door at 7am while he pisses himself laughing.

• Eating any food she brought into the flat for herself…she used to leave luxury items like ice cream in the freezer so she could eat it next time she came round or something.

• Telling her that her favourite music, David Gray and Rufus Wainwright are complete gash; I could see nothing wrong with this argument.

The list is extensive but I won’t go on because I’ve bored you enough already. Suffice to say he eventually got rid of her by telling her exactly what everyone thought of her; that she was a controlling, obsessive, narrow minded fuckwit.

Apologies for length but we suffered about 5 months of various atrocities which I’m sure can be shared in a more relevant QOTW
(Freak on a Leash is jerking off to centre himself on, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 18:01, 1 reply)

Being dumped by Engelbert
Many moons ago I was sitting on the upper deck of a number 16 bus in Glasgow. The two young girls in the seats behind me were commiserating with each other. One of them had just been dumped.
'Know what he did?'asked the first. 'Naw...' replied the other.

'He wiz talking to me alright then he said 'Ah've goat a record ah want ye tae hear..' and he pit it on an walked oot the room. Know what it wiz?'

'Naw...'

'It wiz 'Please release me, let me go'. By Engelbert Humperdink.'

'Ah mean, Is that no awfy?'

Cue me wetting myself.
(reinvented, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 17:21, 2 replies)

i've never dumped anyone
or tried to get dumped. I usually get dumped without trying, or because I'm hung up on an ex, or she's decided to start fucking someone else.

However, twice in the last year and a half, I've been in the situation of seeing a girl who, for some reason, has just stopped getting back in touch.

I mean no texts, no calls, and essentially just vanishing out of my life.

What kind of girl can't even be arsed letting me know we're not seeing each other any more? To me that says that they really don't have any respect for me, and never cared in the first place.

I'm not a bad person, I treat girls with respect and take them for meals and such, and if I didn't want to see anyone any more, I'd at least have the balls to say that it's not working out. So ladies, if you don't want to see me any more, please tell me why so I can at least get some god damn closure.


EDIT: Also - Dumping by text - Evil.
(stapleface, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 17:05, 7 replies)

Bizarre
So, as you all know, dear hubby dumped me in January for the 2nd time in 5 months. Instead of begging to go back to him again, I said "fuck this" and got myself a cute little apartment, new furniture and although he owns his own business and I'm entitled to $2,900 alimony a month for a year plus half of his business assets, all I asked for was for him to make my car payments as I can't afford it now I'm paying everything on my own.

Ok, says he. After all, his first wife took him for everything and forced him into bankruptcy. I'm just not that kind of person.
I just figured we'd do a simple divorce - we both sign papers saying we split up for irreconcilable differences and we have no assets. The only stipulation being he makes the car payments on my car.

Around the time mum died in February, I started getting very close with a good friend of mine, and we're now dating and are very happy together. But he's 25 years older than me.
He's a truly wonderful man.

Ex hubby found out Thursday who I'm dating and yesterday spent a half hour instant messaging me telling me I'm a money grabbing whore, a worthless piece of shit, and generally being a nasty little fucker about me and my character. He told me I only married him for his money - even though he didn't have any and I helped him build up his business and helped him out financially in the early days!

He then told me that I only stayed with him to get my green card (absolutely NOT true!) and that once it looked like it was in the bag that's why I fucked off. Wait! I fucked off? I gently pointed out that he was the one who dumped me and not to take it out on me that I'm dating again.

Now, after his vitriolic spewing yesterday, I think I will take him for the alimony and half his business. Money grabbing whore? So be it.

Fucking cunt.

Oh, and now on his myspace in the "things that scare me section", he's included "dating people from Hull". Made me laugh.

Edit: Oh my god. I blocked him from myspace and msn, he just wrote on my facebook "WBM is a gold digging twunt who is now shagging X for his money after the death of his wife".

Double Edit: So after more hate filled rhetoric, he called my boyfriend (who he knows). When he wouldn't pick up, he called me. Threatened me with calling immigration - even though there's proof I married him because I loved him and there's not a damn thing he can actually do now - he then threatened to take me to court for half my inheritance from mum.
As he kicked me out about 6 weeks before mum died, he can't claim a penny. I kept quiet about what I can get from him.
My boyfriend got on the line with him, calmed him down and actually got him to agree that my terms of the divorce are better than what will happen if he continues to be an ass.

Bless, my man doesn't need this shit but he's sticking with me through it. :D I am a very lucky woman.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 16:54, 19 replies)

You're Dumped. I Love You But You're Dumped..
.
In my long and illustrious career, as a serial monogamist, I've been unfaithful twice. By that I mean that I've screwed someone else while, technically, belonging to someone else.

And I'm fucking *shit* at being unfaithful.

Both times I've rang up my then-girlfriend and dumped her on the spot. My rational was that she didn't deserve to be with someone as foul and as weak as me. I confessed what had happened, didn't offer any excuses, and walked out of the relationship leaving two broken hearts and one slapper cackling.

You see, I just can't handle guilt. If I've done something against *my* moral code then I have to punish myself for it - forgiveness isn't an option from them or me. If I fuck up badly enough I'll take myself out if the equation.

With me, the only unforgivable sin, when you love someone, is being unfaithful. Anything else we can work through together.

But the Gods love to play with people like me. So most of my relationships since then have broken up because my partner screwed someone else and I found out. No second chances, no 2 strikes and you're out, it's over.

You'd think that I'd get cynical. You'd think that I'd judge and treat every new partner with sneaking suspicion based on what had happened in the past? You'd think that I use my L33t skillz to read their e-mail, their phone records, to track every single thing they do through their phone...

Yes, I could do that. And pretty much untraceable. But what would that make me? Doing that would violate another of my close-held morals - Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You..

In some ways, being an IT geek is like being a doctor, social worker, policeman. You have access to lots and lots of information that other people don't. You have skills that can lever open areas that your partner might not want you to.

Me? I prefer to live in the Matrix. Even though I can go down the rabbit hole and learn "the truth" I'd rather live in the real world and accept what loved ones choose to tell me and not to pry.

Cheers

Legless Edit: Or as my brother put it when I was raging about the breakup of my marriage:

"Baby seals mate"





the last time I was unfaithful was 1988

( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 16:21, 10 replies)

Not sure if this is true or not but...
...apparently a mate of a mate back at uni got paralytic but still managed to get a girl to go back to his room. Upon going to bed he threw up on her then fell sound asleep. He woke alone many hours later to find a turd on his chest.

I've never been able to confirm the veracity of this story but thought I'd share it as it does bring a new meaning to being dumped!
(eesnahk, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 15:39, 6 replies)

Not me, but...
The Prince Consort of Cheesecake has been attempting the "try to get dumped by acting like a complete grumpy dick" technique for months.

Partly because I love him, but mostly because I'm somewhat evil, I have been completely ignoring these hints. He's going to have to grow some balls and make the first move.

Incidentally, he'll bloody die of shock once he finally does end it. He is short, with ginger pubes and a third nipple. I have vast boobs, am doing a PhD and am a girlfriend from heaven. Poor sod won't know what's hit him :)
( Queen of Cheesecake, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 14:54, 9 replies)

not exactly to get dumped
I just used to be a mean little bastard, about the age of first relationships. I would pounce at every occasion to show how brilliantly sardonic/ironic I was.

My first girlfriend on the other hand was a depressive type. If I'd now meet past-me and first girlfriend the latter would surely turn out more likeable.

She phoned me once, as far as I could tell she was crying and commenced telling me every problem she had and finally that she tried to commit suicide by swallowing giant ammounts of ?aspirin? pills.

To which I replied: If you really wanted to die you'd have jumped out of the window, you live on the 13th floor!

Which was extremely funny at the time.

She didn't dump me, she should have.

I can't wait till I forget about the whole thing. Then again it WAS a bit funny
(Doctor Beat, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 14:50, 2 replies)

I had to ignore her in the end
As a just-turned-twenty year old, I'd been with my first proper girlfriend for about six weeks.

We both lived with our respective parents, so any sex that we managed to have was in the privacy of our own bedrooms, done quietly so that we couldn't be heard.

The thing is, although she was a nice girl, and it was fun having more sex than I'd ever had before, I was bored. Very bored. But not bored enough to break up with the girl (because I'd then lose out on the sex)

Valentines Day came along, and being the romantic type, I shelled out for a dozen red roses, a small fortune to someone working as an apprentice. The gift was well received as the girlfriend told me that she'd never been bought flowers before, and things seemed all rosy. Apart from that nagging boring feelieng that I still had.

That same Valentines Day I drove the fifty mile journey to her house and picked her up, making her get up early to come with me, and drove her back to my mums house.

So what did I have planned for the most romantic day of the year? Well, West Ham were at home that day, so I left the girlfriend with my mum for the day and went out on the lash with my mates to watch the Hammers who, true to form, lost and put me in a bad mood. I got home at just gone 9pm, ordered an Indian take away, ate it with mum and the girlfriend and fell asleep on the sofa twenty minutes later.

When I was gently shaken awake a couple of hours later, the girlfriend and I were alone. She wanted some "us" time, but I shrugged her off and left her watching tv as I went to bed.

When she joined me later in the night and tried to cuddle up, I shrugged her off, swore at her and went back to sleep on the sofa.

The next morning I woke her up, hurried her to get dressed and bundled her into the car before driving her home. As I started the engine my first words were "I don't think this is working out." Her prepons was to cry for the best part of the hour it took to get home. As I dropped her off, she pulled me into an embrace and begged me not to leave her. Even when I explained that it wasn't working and that I was treating her like crap, she didn't change her mind.

In the end, only the age old method of ignoring her seemed to work :(
( SeasonTicketless is too often the statue, and rarely the pigeon., Sat 7 Jun 2008, 14:28, Reply)

as the dumpee
Not strictly on topic, as I was the one getting dumped, and it also didnt involve much work on her part (almost none, in fact) but I'll carry on anyway...

Last year I was seeing a girl who was quite a bit younger than me. The age gap didnt really matter, as we were both really into each other, and I was a long term friend of the family so her parents were cool with it. We had planned to go to the Tate Modern in London as there was a Gilbert & George retrospective exhibition on at the time which we both wanted to see. The day we had planned to go on was my birthday.

The day before, I was out with a mate having a pint when I got a text from the girlfriends mother, which read "Sorry, B cant come to the Tate with you tomorrow, she's got a new man in her life"

Charming.
(Lionel Tiger, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 13:41, 19 replies)

this happened a while ago now
months went by of my friend putting up with the girlfriend from hell. she would play games such as pretending she had seen him with another girl (me mostly as i was one of his best friends) and going off crying to his friends, her friends, complete strangers. if we were talking, she would come and drape herself over him protectively, boobs hanging out.

she probably wasnt all right to be fair. she lied about her grandfather dying. on the fourth time, someone piped up 'you have four grandfather's love?'

the final straw came one fine day at college when she insisted she had seen me and him together even though another of our friends had been with us the entire time and came over to her, hysterically crying and babbling to go 'erm, what's this?'. rather than actually bother telling her, he just ignored her from then on until she was forced to hunt him down after leaving countless messages on his phone and go 'im sorry, this isn't really working...'

beautifully, he came out and she must have been the only person not to know as months went by and she sent him a text telling him she'd been thinking about him, maybe she'd been too hasty (?) and they could get back together.

"well, it wouldn't go down well with my boyfriend"
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 12:45, 1 reply)

I went out with a young Helen Keller
but then she stopped seeing me.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 4:13, 4 replies)

Textual healing..?
My memory is fantastically recessive and often rivals that of a goldfish, but I'll do my best..

Some time in the not-so-distant-but-it-feels-that way past, I was in the final stages of a drawn-out and turbulent relationship. It only lasted for a year and a half but it felt like longer, as doomed things often do, and much to the irritation of my friends it was only really good for the first six months, with the rest consisting of moaning. However, we persisted for another year somehow, and I refused to take off my rose-tinted glasses until I was kicked in the head and they fell off (he cheated on me) to which I promptly decided 'fuck this shit' and began talking to somebody else who had been hovering around for a while and seemed rather more tasty than cheat-boy, who in any case was too skinny for me to get my teeth into.

So naturally, as soon as someone else is on the scene I'm suddenly much more out of reach (and therefore attractive) to him. So he crawls back asking for another chance, and after at least a fortnight of 2am calls, weeping and woe-is-him sniffling, I give in - reminding him that one more fuckup and his arse is grarse.

On this victory he hops on a train (the fact he lived 200 miles away was probably why I was able to put up with him for so long in the first place), and came down to spend a couple of nights celebrating what he thought was our reignited passion. Now, we had a 'lovely' night watching films in bed and being somewhat more pleasant to one another than had previously been the norm, but I realised the reason he'd never been too nice in the relationship - he wasn't very good at it. His compliments were cringeworthy and sweet-talk which had seemed so well intended a year and a half ago was now positively nauseating. I knew I had to get out before he was so 'nice' that I couldn't bring myself to finish with him. So I began texting a girlfriend and we concocted a plan.

Throughout the rest of the night I sent a text every 5 minutes, and the replies were becoming increasingly saucy (hilarious fodder for storytelling the following week in college, we never knew she had such a dirty mind..). Of course he began to get somewhat irate and eventually demanded to see what I was saying to whoever it was I was texting. An argument ensued and I went downstairs to 'the kitchen' giggling inwardly all the way after 'mistakenly' leaving my phone right there on the bedside table.

Needless to say after reading about my plans for a threesome with my best friend and an imaginary male he was somewhat angered, and flounced out of the house in a rather camp and angry manner, proclaiming how much of a female dog and a working girl I was. Yada yada. Talking about it later on, 'the girls' decided that if I was going to get myself dumped I may as well have gone out of his life with a bang (or that's what he thought from what he read, anyway.)
And he was a cunt to me, so revenge was sweeter than any of his half-arsed compliments.

Result: I haven't heard from the bugger since. *Thumbs up*
(HellHathFury Christ on his pushbike, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 3:55, Reply)

I "forgot" to go to the dry cleaners

I don't think his wife ever forgave me. She did alright though.


Well, almost.
(Monica Lewinski, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 1:45, Reply)

wrong number
my sister kept getting phonecalls off someone called clarissa asking for steve. everytime, 'sorry, i think you've got the wrong number' until the girl exploded down the other end of the line and said 'I KNOW YOU'RE HIDING HIM. WHERE IS HE?'

the phonecalls kept going on until she went to our dad who took the next phonecall and said, in his nastiest, dad tone of his voice "please stop ringing my daughter... and im not surprised he's hiding from you.'
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 1:37, Reply)

experiment
have been hopelessly pining after someone for a while. my friends are sick of my psychotically over-analysing everything. made the error of being too cowardly to say anything when he came to see me so TEXTED him five minutes after he'd gone...

interesting anecdote to follow? ack.

edit: owch. not good. i am the world's best 'is already seeing someone' tracking device. now that is a way to get rid of someone.
(ladyintheradiator, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 1:33, 1 reply)

Dumpee and Dumperer
This is my first foray into QOTW territory so here goes...(sorry for the length in advance)...

AS THE DUMPEE...

Was with an ex g/f for about seven years in total, on and off. During the last part of our relationship, which was after a month long "break" we'd had while she was at uni, things seemed to be going well and we'd got a place together.

I should have known there was a problem, as during the "break" we'd had I'd discovered that she'd slept with some random guy from uni.

About a year into the final chapter and the hints (as I recognise them only now, a few years on) began. She would spend a lot of time out with her friends from work who i'd never met. I came home from work one evening to find her sat in the garden with a half empty bottle of wine, waiting for a taxi to pick her up (as she was off out again) crying her eyes out. No sooner had I got home and asked what was wrong, the taxi arrived and she went. Bizarre, I thought.

I'd been getting pretty paranoid for a while about her strange behaviour and had taken it upon myself to hack into her email which really didn't reveal much initially, until one day a receipt for a hotel arrived in her inbox.

It was for a date when I'd been working a 12 hour night shift. Hmmm. How can I confront her about it without her knowing I'd been snooping on her.

Turns out it didn't matter as about a week later, I got home at about 6pm and found her in bed (on her own). When I walked into the room she uttered the fateful words "we need to talk". I'd kind of guessed. Cue a few of hours of undignified crying (on my part mostly) and pleading (completely on my part) before I grew a pair, said "fuck this biatch" jumped in my car and headed off on the 50 mile journey back to my mum and dads, where i'd stay for a while.

Anyway, we had to wait out the months notice on our rented house, and carried on living together during this time. The good point of this was that we had become intermitant fuck-buddies :)

Anyway, later it turned out that she'd been seeing some copper she'd met through work for a couple of months and had left me for him. My only concellation was that I knew I'd been knobbing his girlfriend while he thought they were "together" woo! So the treacherous whore had been cheating on me with him, and then after dumping me to be with him, was cheating on him with me!

AS THE DUMPERER...

On the total rebound from above episode as the dumpee, I met headcase girl. Not bad looking, great body, seems relatively nice. She was nice it turns out, just also incredibly whiney, insecure, needy, annoying, boring... oh my god, she was SO boring. She'd go on and on about not having a job, and not being able to get one and moaning about being "thick" and constantly complaining about how it wasn't "fair". I was supportive and reassuring, and sympathetic for about 3 months. I helped her get sorted on a financial advising course, so she could get a "career" instead of constatly dotting between dead-end admin temping jobs.

I just could not take any more of her self loathing, self pitying, boring, "oh woe me" personality and knew it was time, but knowing her fragile emotional state, didn't want to be the one to do the dumping.

Anyway, I had to go away to london for a week with work, which I told her over the phone, whilst getting onto the train. I was also staying (it turned out), in a part of central london that had no mobile phone coverage... which seemed a bit odd *ahem*, and had "forgotten" *ahem* to tell her that on the Saturday I got back I was going out for a friends birthday. As soon as I get home, shes on the phone...

Her: "so are you coming over?"
Me: "err, actually I've got plans to go out for a mates birthday."
Her: "but we haven't seen each other for a week."
Me: "yeah I know, sorry I forgot to tell you, but I can't cancel now."
Her: "this isn't really working out is it."
Me: "nah, shall we call it a day."
Her: "is that what you want?"
Me: "yeah, might as well... bye then."
*clunk*

At least I'd lead her to instigate the dumping, so she shouldn't have felt too bad.

She was so utterly annoying that I couldn't feel bad about it, I just didn't care and hoped that was that.

Except, I then started getting the txt message: "Do you still love me? I still love you."
Didn't reply.
"Why aren't you talking to me, I love you."
Didn't reply.
"I still love you, do you love me?"
Replied...
"***** stop fucking asking me because you know what the answer is!"

I did feel a little bad after that...meh
(big_sid, Sat 7 Jun 2008, 1:09, 1 reply)

Well someone had to post this one.......
www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-kJZGC7_9Q
(SimonSNJ, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 23:26, 7 replies)

Always took the hint
I've always taken the hint.From them to me...

1) My name changed to "house bitch"
2) A damn good beating
3) Doesn't count, I walked out.
4) Moved 200 miles away.

I have crap taste in men, either that or it's me that's crap.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 22:51, 2 replies)

This qotw doesn't apply to me
I'm a virgin, go figure. An honest guy on b3ta what are the chances eh?
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 22:33, 5 replies)

I was a strange child.
Apologies about this post, it's a wee bit off topic but bear with me.

To give you some background, i was a young Axai (about 15). I was bullied at school, had low self confidence and to top it all off i was a geek.
Woo and (dare i say it) yay?
Not quite, life at school was pretty awful for me. Teachers were able to do nothing, parents were able to do nothing and if they did it'd only make it worse.
I couldn't do anything but stick through it.... What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger... right? Right.

Then i met a girl who i shall refer to as S. She was lovely, at least to my semi-pubescent mind. She was the first girl that ever paid attention to me, she showed me
respect and treated me kindly. The whole week was a blur, i'd met up with her on friday and had a bit of a cuddle. I. Was. In. Heaven.

Until Sunday...

When i spoke to her, she told me that it couldn't go on (in hindsight there wasn't much happening anyway!). I was distraught, all the evils of the world were crawling back
at me again, grasping at the wall that i'd managed to mentally build up against my oppressors. To a 15 year old mind, this is most upsetting.
I asked her why this was necessary and pleaded, you all know the deal. She calmly said to me I'm Mormon, i can't date non mormons.

Uh? Fucksocks.

Can you see where this is going? You can? Well good. For the uninitiated, i actually spent more time with this girl and her nut-job family. It took abut 3 months in total, but they
actually managed to brainwash me into joining. I'm a very strong minded, opinionated atheist and always have been, how she managed this atrocity against my free will
i will never understand. The fact remains. I had converted to mormonism. My friends, family and acquaintances supported me in my endeavor to become a religious type.
They tried to make me see sense, but didn't once say i was wrong. Now, hit the fast forward button...

~~~ Two Years Later ~~~

I'm still a mormon but i'm getting unhappy with it. The rose tinted vision has worn off and i'm telling people what i think of them. I'm having discussions with the bishop *fnarr*.
I'm not being a good christian boy. Oh dear. It's time to cut this one loose, thinks I. I grew my hair long, i split up with my girlfriend but as some of you may know, getting a church to dump you is a very, very difficult thing.
I left the church. They showed up on Sunday mornings in their cars, knocking on my door. "Martin are you coming to church today?" "You're slipping off the beaten path"....

I cut off all contact with them, my ex decided to try and contact me, to get me back to church. I didn't want to know. What does a church do when they want to get you back? They send in the Missionaries!
Now, if you don't know what Mormon Missionaries are like, think opinionated 18 year olds with a devout, logic defying belief in god. It's scary. They came round to my house, they sat on my sofa. They started to
preach the gospel to me and why i was going to hell. I told them to get to fuck (thanks b3ta). I explained very politely why i thought it was all crock (Thanks Richard Dawkins). I gave them hell and i've never, never
given someone such a good verbal slamming. (Remember, i am a shy computer geek!).

Now i have cut off all communication with them, i have a lovely girlfriend who i adore. We are going to barbados on monday. I'll be coming to a b3ta bash with her, (my first ever!). I hope to see you all there.

Sorry, this was rather long. *fnarr*
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 21:55, 9 replies)

I was just a 15 yr old cnut
So I met this lass through a friend and we had a lot in common, liked the same bands etc we got on really well and being a young lad thought life was a nice place.

The relationship went on and during the time together she took much interest in a lot of the things that I liked doing. So much so that things she hated became some of her favourite things, eventually to the point where I was kissing my clone. The woman had decided that she was me. Jesus she even started smoking again because I did even against doctor’s advice that if she smoked anymore her legs may have to be amputated

Now it’s all very nice her taking it to that level but when in a relationship you need differences, it’s those things that give you things to discuss and debate.

Now I had been a vegetarian for about a year and the last straw was when she decided that she was a vegetarian too, and I don't know why but that was it, somehow I had to take action this had to end now. Well what else was I meant to do; I stormed downstairs and insisted that my dad make me a bacon sandwich, and then proceeded to stuff my face full of bacon sandwich in front of her with HP dribbling down my chin.

The evening carried on with me being the biggest bastard I could be at the age of 15 sat in my bedroom at my parent’s house. The evening finished and her mother came to pick her up (20 mile round trip), she left with a barely audible bye from me.

30 minutes later she's back at my door, she must have got nearly home and made her mum turn around so she could come back and apologise. I have no idea what she was apologising for and I’m pretty sure she had no idea either.

Now if I remember correctly (this was 13 years ago) my human side came to the forefront and I hugged her and said it was ok, and then properly dumped her a couple of days later.

So if you’re reading Harry, I’m sorry, I was a git.

Length? About 3 feet, Im pretty sure she’s still walking on them
(spaceswitch is gonna gay ya, on, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 21:44, Reply)

Stalk-tastic.
Once upon a time Chris had a stalker.

I first "met" this stalker after she left a comment on my MySpace page (back in the self-pitying days when I bothered my arse with MySpace) basically saying hi and that I looked cool and all of the regular internet-flirting bullsit. I had no intention of dating her, but I decided to go for it and just be friendly, she seemed nice enough so we got chatting, eventually leading to second base. Yeah, thats right, MSN.

Anyhow, weirdly enough, she gave me her number, which I thought was a bit strange but what the hell, I gave her a text saying something goofy like "Boo". That was probably the biggest mistake.

Conversation on MSN simmered down after around 5 minutes and I made my excuses and went offline. Two minutes after going offline, she calls my mobile. Thats right. She called my mobile after knowing me over the internet for percisely 10 minutes.

Needless to say, I rejected the call. But then my phone rang again. Reject. Then a text message "Why aren't you answering?". I repied saying that I was busy.

She tried calling me later on that night, and out of sheer boredom, I answered. She seemed ok, and we spoke for about an hour, after which I got a text saying "I think we should start now".

I didn't reply, and on MSN the next day she asked me about it and I pretended that I had fallen asleep. So we talked a bit again (Webcam? Oh yes, she wanted to do Webcam. Of course.) and after I said I had to go, she said "I love you" and changed her screename to "I love my Chris".

Right, panic stations. I am being told that someone who has "known" me for less than 24 hours "loves me". Cue blocking from msn.

She tries to call me. Cue searching online frantically for instructions on how to use the blacklist option on my phone.

She leaves dozens of comments and messages saying things like "baby whats wrong?" on my MySpace. Cue deleting my MySpace account (which felt good, actually)

She uses OTHER phone numbers and MSN accounts in order to reach me. Cue changing my MSN address and telling all of my friends that my phone is going to be switched off for a week or so. After two weeks I turned my phone back on to be greeted with around 150 missed calls and around 60 texts, all from her.

You know whats really really scary though?

I only remembered this because I got a friend request from her on Bebo the other day. I created my Bebo account AFTER this incident, with my new email address. The whole thing happened three years ago...
(LiquidRogue Powerful tiny fists..., Fri 6 Jun 2008, 21:29, 3 replies)

Bit of an inverted story
Been with my ex almost 3 years.It ended 2 weeks ago.Got a call off her daughter asking if i'd pick her up from her mates 2 miles away.Don't mind doing it,i have done more for her kids over the past few years than their dad has ever done since he dumped all 3 of them for a fat slapper.
Dropped said sprog off,parked up at my house round the corner and had a walk round to hers.Walk in to find my ex and her 2 mates sat there,ex still in dressing gown.At midday.Fair enough i thought we're going out in 2 hours.After some idle chit chat where it transpires they'd had a full english without bothering to ask if i'd wanted some i remarked "ooh,i picked your daughter up for you" she replied "i know.It was me that told her to phone you"
Cue much lolling @ me from all 3 of them.I felt about 1/2" tall.So remarked that "i think i'm being taken for granted a bit" her mates says,"i fucking know you are!"
Cue more lolling @ me.
When i finally got her alone to collar her about it she refused to apologise and told me i was a paranoid wanker.
It was at this point i realised that she really does belive in her own head that she never ever has done anything wrong to anyone ever and that it was time to get out.
So now here i am alone on a friday night while she's out on the piss with her mates.My god i feel loved.
(Moron is hungry, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 20:52, 12 replies)

let's be friends
Last week I was rather brutally dumped, as some of you will know because I harped on about it for bloody ages, sorry about that.

Anyway, it turned out okay (as in 'civil') but part of his rant on that fateful night was that I was too close to my ex.

Now, yes, I am friends with my ex. Good friends. Very close. He is one of the first people I would turn to in a crisis. We were together for a couple of years, and we worked and lived together. We struggled through the break-up to become friends and we have a pretty strong bond. We also have absolutely no sexual feelings for each other whatsoever. We each know who the other is dating, who we have fallen for, what we are doing. It's a familial bond at this stage: I feel like his big sister.

When dumper-boy took issue with me being friends with lovely-ex I was outraged. How could he resent that?! Then, this evening, I heard myself on the phone to lovely-ex (who was about to go on a date) and I was saying "and don't forget the condoms because you're obviously building up to it".

And then I saw dumper-boy's point...
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 18:44, 132 replies)

Arse
Was on her suggestion. Apparently her last boyfriend just made her bleed.

I accidently suggested lubricant and that made me husband material.

Getting rid of the mentalist was actually really easy, she sat outside my folks home for 2 days straight and I got pissed 300 miles away.

My Mum felt sorry for her and told her...... then I got it in the ear from my Mum.
(Tim K, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 18:18, 3 replies)

Not sure whether to answer this one...
...but I will anyway. Not quite the way round you were expecting I guess...

I've known this girl for nearly 2 years and there's always been something between us. About 3-4 weeks ago we finally got together... and it was the most amazing thing ever.

2 days later she collapses and gets taken into hospital. When she finds out she's 7 weeks pregnant.

By her ex.

She's now got it into her head that she has to go back to him even though he treated her like crap and cheated on her twice that she knows of (probably more).

I've seen her a few times since and every time she says the same thing... she loves me, she wants to be with me... but she can't because of the baby.

The words "absolutely devastated" don't even come close right now.

Sorry people, probably not the the amusing story you all wanted to hear but... that's how it is right now.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Fri 6 Jun 2008, 18:05, 15 replies)