At work
Some guy I work with has taken a disslike to me, which is fair enough. What I don't like is that he decides to try and make fun of me in front of as many people as possible. I must also mention that he's a great fat fuck, with shit hair and he constantly talks about himself. Here are two examples of how I've verbally bitch slapped him.

I'd just had a hair cut, which I was happy with. "Oh my god, did you actualy pay for that hair cut?" he jeers.
"Yeah, £20." I replied
"I paid £50 for mine." he gloats (His hair is un styled, just a brown nest on top of his head with some bleached tips)
"Oh, I didn't realise Harvey Price cut hair." I replied. Harvey price being a blind, mentally disabled son of a topless model for our non-uk readers.

The second occasion that springs to mind was a little more disturbing.
Over the course of a lunch break, he revealed he'd slept with a 14 year old boy. Obviously this made some people uncomfortable, as he'd essentially admitted to being a sex offender.
"How do you sleep at night?" asked a guy on the table.
"With 14 year old boys." I piped in before he had a chance.
(Mong goose, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 15:53, 7 replies)

Makie learnie officers from Sandurst
A while ago I was on a cross channel ferry, Portsmouth to Caen, with three coach loads of trainees from the officer training college Sandhurst.

At the breakfast bar two queues were moving in parallel past a self serve buffet. On the officer side the chocolate croissants has run out so chinless wonder in cavalry twill and harris tweed leaner over and said

'pass me one of those chocolate croissant '

I ignored him.

Thinking me hard of hearing he again brayed, a bit louder 'Pass me one of those chocolate croissant'

This time I replied

' I get my children to say please when they ask for something'

Both queues went quiet, nothing more was said.

Give him a gun pah....... I'd think twice before trusting him with a box of matches
(Nosmo King, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 14:34, Reply)

The Crappest Double Act on The Telly
A friend of mine went on holiday to Florida some years ago. He got into a lift in the hotel he was staying at and it stopped at one floor and two guys walked in. He said he looked at one of them and he thought "Hmmm, I think I know you from somewhere" ( You know the feeling )put his hand in his pocket, pulled out a packet of cigarettes and took one out. As he did so the guy he thought looked familiar said in a petulant voice "Ooh an ENGLISH cigarette, I have not had one of THOSE for ages, may I.... could I beg one?" As he passed the guy the packet for him to help himself, he said the penny dropped, it was Mike Winters, one half of the most pathetic comedy( I use the term 'comedy' loosely ) double acts our shores has ever produced. Mike and Bernie Winters. ( One old joke , Q.Can you name Britain's worst two Winters? A. Mike and Bernie! I remember Morecambe and Wise been interviewed on TV once and The interviewer; it could have been Michael Parkinson, asked them what they would be if they were not comedians and Eric Morecambe replied quick as a flash "Mike and Bernie Winters!" ) Anyway, back to the story. Winters asked my friend if he would like a couple of tickets for the show he was appearing in that night. My friend's reply?
"Oh, why? who the fucking hell are you?"
(Mackeson_drinker, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 12:28, 4 replies)

Maybe a bit cruel...
A few years ago I was walking though my village when I passed three young teenage girls on a bench. The rather tubby one in the middle shouted "You got any faaaaags?".
I replied I don't smoke and carried on walking, when she shouted out "Bastard" or something.
I casually turned round and called out "I was going to say you're too young to smoke, but maybe you should. It'd keep you off the pies."

Her friends burst out laughing at her.
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 12:24, 4 replies)

I was skiing with some irresponsible friends of my cousin's who were too busy being d**kheads to pay much attention to the danger and nuisance they were putting other people to. I was the oldest, most responsible person along on the trip. Later at lunch I suggested (very politely) that they needed to be a bit more careful about other people. This provoked some intense *ahem* discussion.

One of the guys responded to my demands for caution with, "What's the matter, haven't you got any hair on your balls?"

As I'd so far been 100% family friendly so far he wasn't expecting my response (neither was I actually), "Nah, I shaved them off because they irritated your grandmother's tonsils."

Never managed to render anyone lost for word like that before, it was great. After a minute or so he just said, "Man, that's sick..".
(xixax, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 12:00, Reply)

I overheard this gem at an organic wankfest farmer's market in grim north london
A man had parked his white van halfway across the entrance to a farmer's market while his mate unloaded furniture into a nearby office.

The van and its occupants were getting a fair amount of passive aggressive looks and mutterings from the well-healed customers queuing up to buy Himalayan yak cheese (to go with the Peruvian badger honey of course).

Finally one of the stall owners, a tiny woman straight from 'Keeping up Appearances' waddled up to van, scowled up at its pie-stuffing, Sun-reading, tattooed-knuckle driver and in her most patronising voice said:

'Look here..............I'm not happy.'

To which he shot back, 'Oh yeah? well which one are you?'
(Newshack is rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 11:57, 3 replies)

Working behind the bar you get to deal with plenty of idiots.
"I'm sorry, I don't speak drunk" quite often works when some slurring imbecile is trying to push the queue by slurring their order over and over again.
My favourite is the retort to the middle aged men, who when you ask some youngster for their ID will undoubtedly pipe up with "Why didn't you ask for my ID". "Sorry, we don't take bus passes" usually shuts them up.
The favourite put down from the customers seems to be a short, sweet "You're a cunt!", which if any of you try to employ on a barman will not persuade them of their cuntishness and make them see the error of their ways and serve you more beer.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 11:47, Reply)

Fancy Dress Party
one of the secretaries at work was a bit on the large side, and bore a striking resemblance to Fat Pat off 'Stenders. She was going out straight from work one night, and appeared in reception wearing a very short skirt and a feather Boa. when asked what she was going as she said "I'm a Hooker," to which one of the guys replied "You look more like a prop forward to me.
(Vinegar strokes Should know better on, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 11:34, 5 replies)

Exchange overheard in organic grocery in Chorlton, Manchester (Guardian-reader central)
Kid: "Why should I tidy my room when the world's a mess?"

Hippy parent: "Because the people who run the world pay other people the minimum wage to tidy their rooms for them."
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 11:31, 3 replies)

Some kitchen insults (not sure whether these count as put-downs)
I worked in kitchens for years and the culture is that people constantly insult each other as a way to compensate for being in each other's face all the time. It's affectionate, really. Unfortunately on bad days, we'd sometimes forgot ourselves and extended the abuse to awkward customers. Here's some stuff I remember shouting above the clattering pots:

This plate's for that bloke in the corner with a face like Edwina Currie is sucking him off.

That arty-farty guy who wouldn't say "please" looks like Moby just joined the Thunderbirds. I can't believe he used four syllables just to say "latte".

Coffee for the Grunting Salford Twat.

(To an Irish colleague): Go put your horse in the lift.

Which came first; miserable Mancunians, or fucking Morrissey?

To the Australian and Japanese staff: See that woman who just waltzed in and queue-jumped? (Dawn French) She's some scrag-end off the telly. Please serve her instead of me, as I'm worried some tiny flicker of recognition may cross my face and massage her pathetic ego.

To a woman who insisted on ignoring the no-smoking signs: You may want your clothes to stink and your face to look like a mile of gravel track, but other customers don't. Get out.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 11:04, 2 replies)

The Joys of Autumn
Walking back from the station the other day I was happily indulging in the simple pleasure of kicking all the piles of fallen leaves.

Approaching me in the other direction was a lady with a little girl who was similarly amusing herself (the little girl not the lady). As I walked past them the following exchange took place:

"Georgia, stop kicking the leaves!"

"But Mummy, that man's kicking the leaves too"

"Well his Mummy's not here to tell him off is she"
(Milo Minderbinder, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 10:36, 5 replies)

Des O'Conner
To a woman heckler "I think you were at one of my shows 20 years ago, your face isn't familiar but I never forget a dress!"
(Mackeson_drinker, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 10:23, 1 reply)

Overheard in a pub in Hamilton, circa mid-80s:
Gimboid He (to cute she): "Oi darling, sit on my face and tell me that you love me!"
She (to Gimboid)"Why - is your nose bigger than your cock??"


Game, set, & match!
(Sebulba continues to fight evil with evil....., Sun 27 Nov 2011, 9:10, Reply)

My younger bro
when we were kids.
Early summer and fly-season was in full swing. After the usual few dozen trips outside and back in again, leaving the screen door wide open, my mother lost it a bit and slammed the door after him - "Were you born in a bloody tent?!" "No. I was born in a hospital and I didn't have to close the doors there, either!"
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Sun 27 Nov 2011, 8:33, 1 reply)

I'm NOT pregnant
I admit, I have a bit of a gut.

A fifty-something woman looked at me and said, "Ooooooooh, when are you due?"

I smiled, looked her in the eye, and said "NEVER."
( cynfulcynner ...another American nutter, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 4:57, 3 replies)

Comic Book Guy FTW
A friend of mine figured he would rake in cash by selling a stack of old comics a foot high.

He took them not the comic shop, where the owner offered him $20 for the lot.

That's it? My friend huffed and puffed, and snatched his comic books back. He was at the door when he thought of another angle.

"I've got a bunch of old Playboys and Penthouses in my basement," he said hopefully.

"I'm sure you do." said comic guy.

He slunk away.
(TommyShanks, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 4:24, 1 reply)

What happened right, was that he turned round and said "do you want a cup of coffee?"
So I turned round and said "no!"

That certainly told him.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 3:06, 6 replies)

Trust.
My mum & I didn't have the best relationship. She pretty much lied to me for 20 years about who my father was.
After she'd told me (on her 50th birthday - I'd taken her to lunch) she just couldn't understand that I had no trust in her whatsoever. EDIT: I should say that in growing up I gave her plenty of reasons to both trust & dis-trust me.

Years later whilst arguing about "trust" in general she commented that she "wouldn't trust me to tie my own shoelaces correctly" , I came back with - "I wouldn't trust you with my up-bringing!"
She paused, smiled in a sweet way that only a parent can when looking at their kid and said
"Well I didn't fail completely then did I?"
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 27 Nov 2011, 2:10, 9 replies)

A three year old takes my Dad out
I was at a family gathering last year, an 80th birthday party. I was on the living room floor, teaching a three year old how to play dominoes. The little fella beat me, as it happens, but that's not the punchline.

Just as we finished, he got up immediately in front of my Dad, who was sat down on the sofa.

"Yooooou've got a BIG NOSE!!!" said the kid, pointing at my Dad, causing everyone in the room to crease. Well, other than my Dad that is. He was less impressed.

The little kid was only telling the truth, my Dad does have a truly extraordinary snoz. It's like a golf ball.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Sun 27 Nov 2011, 1:00, Reply)

Stand Up in Bradford - well I hope that makes you at least read it...
Ok so this is many years ago, I guess about 2002, and there is a small mini theatre under the Alhambra called The Studio where they do comedy nights on a Thursday, (or at least they did - it's a while back and I've had a bit too much Glenmorangie to care to look it up) anyway Toby Foster used to compare before he was the drummer in Phoenix Nights, it was cheap and funny, so a good night.

It being stand up, there were hecklers. It being cheap stand up, there were some pretty pants comedians. No worries, everyone has to start somewhere. See previous comments about cheap night out, and let's face it, I'm easily pleased...

One particular night one of the hecklers was a twat, there is no other way of saying it. It ended up with half the audience booing him and the comedian challenging him to a wrestle on stage. The comedian won. It was a great put down, in the most physical sense.

That is all. Goodnight.

and a completely true story
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 19:57, Reply)

Best festival heckle
..I ever heard was at the Phoenix Festival (I think 1992). I was down the front of the main stage, waiting for Faith No More to come on. House of Pain were second on the bill: they came on to a slighty muted reception and an intro tape of sirens, beats and lots of 'woooh! Yeah! House Of Pain in the motherfucking house' from Everlast and the other chap.

There was a brief moment of quiet between their intro ending and the DJ finding the play button on the DAT machine for the first tune. It was filled with someone near me shouting, loud enough to be heard onstage, "Play 'Jump Around and then FUCK OFF".

Unfortunately they ignored his suggestion and ploughed on with the entire set.
(Chizomsk, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 19:43, 1 reply)

My nan
A formidable woman, legs like donner kebabs. Screw-on British racing green crimplene hat, turban motif. Teeth she left in jar by the door. Cheated at Downfall. Malice and spite were two of her five a day. Animated only by Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy. One of my nemeses.

Tardy Testosterone had bestowed me with fay looks, and at the ripe old age of 15 I was still on Gary's radar - I thought I had a pube till I pissed through it.

My nan: "Ooh, look at you, when are you going to start shaving?"

Me: "When are you?"
(Countryslicker, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 19:03, 3 replies)

some fucker sent a Rocket Ajax to recover my dead body
so I hijacked it
and crashed the cunt into their master's palace on the wedding day.
(8allright is praying you've got a cold, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 18:32, 4 replies)

not a put-down, but left me floundering...
I had just knackered my dad's work van,
steam was issuing from under the bonnet at an unhealthy rate.
Panicking as to my dad's likely angry response,
a friend offered me a very welcome lifeline.

"You know what's wrong with that."
Hopefully, expectantly, "No?!"

"It's fucked."

Brilliant, thanks(!)

"You know what you wanna do?"
Expectantly, hopefully, "No?!"

"Get it fixed."
( nightbuffalo needs more duct tape, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 18:18, 3 replies)

Just before a works night out.
The boss's PA said to Roger "And we're going to meet at King's Cross station - which will be handy for you, you can get yourself a girlfriend before we go to the pub."
Roger replies "That's a really good idea Paula, because that way you won't be the biggest slapper there tonight."
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 17:17, Reply)

face
"Designer Stubble isn't it."

"Yeah - George at Asda."
(shengus, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 14:53, Reply)

Grandad Badger is something of a barfly and racanteur.
He also fancies himself as a bit of a folk singer. One lunchtime, he finished his pint in the Crown and wandered down to the Black Lion, the next pub along in the village. Greetings were exchanged and a pint was bought. He supped reflectively and enquired of the patrons 'Now I've wet me whistle who wants to hear me sing?'

He wasn't best pleased with the reply of 'Roy, we'd love to hear you sing in the Crown'.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 26 Nov 2011, 14:05, Reply)