"...and it was never mentioned again"
What do you know about your friends and family that manners dictate you aren't allowed to mention in conversation with them ever?

What is 'off limits' to talk about?

Has anyone ever caught you doing anything embarrissing and - despite awkwardness afterwards - never actually mentioned it since?

For example, a friend of mine was exorcised as a child.. but despite all the potential jokes, he's not happy if it is brought up.
( monkeon schmonkeon, Fri 20 Oct 2006, 14:41, Reply)

"I like this!" or erm, not.
Slightly off topic but we desperately need a "This is shit" link to go alongside the existing "I like this" link on QOTW. I propose more than 10 clicks on "This is shit" removes an entry from the board.

I'm sure everyone (or are we in a minority now) knows where I'm coming from here.
(fawnin' sycophant, Wed 18 Oct 2006, 16:51, Reply)

When their back was turned...
Everyone's seen it or done it, or both.
When a person (usually of a higher authority or higher something - morals etc) has finished speaking (usually in a demeaning manner). Just as they turn around, you (or someone else) mimes out an action of something (usually vulgar). It all goes well until they turn back mid-mime.

For example, year 8 history, my friend (who fancied our young teacher - lady) had just been reprimanded. As she turned around he mimed - and I can only describe it as - "doing her doggy style and slapping her well toned ass" (his words).
There was an awkward moment, she froze, he froze, everyone observed this standoff...
"What are you doing?" "Just stretching miss."
No-one bought it, but it wasn't persued. I asked her at my prom why she didn't take it any further.
"I just didn't want to explain to his parents what he was doing ove the phone"
Peculiar...
What turn-around moments have you witnessed and what was the outcome?
(Good Looking Deity Grew a magnificent beard on, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 21:48, Reply)

Question Time
Hello all, I'm new to this here game, so apologies if these questions have already been asked:

My suggestions are -

1) Strangest Place You've Ever Taken a Dump - A mate of mine, way back when we were at Uni, had picture of a dump he'd taken the night before. It was stuck fast to the side wall of a Tesco department store. It looked a bit like a big brown willy poking out of the bricks. We laughed.

2) Worst Thing You Can Do To Someone Who's Supposed To Be A Friend - Another mate of mine, he went out round town with his mate and his mate's new bird. Everything seemed to be going fine until, after entering a night club, his mate dissapeared. Two minutes later, a text came through on his phone "Can you tell that lass she's dumped? She'd doing my head in. C u later". The ensuing crying fit he had to deal with wasn't the best way to cement a friendship, to say the least.

3) Most Tasteless Prank/Pranks That Went Wrong - I once told a stupid girl who I had the pleasure of working with, who was going out with my best friend, that he was addicted to Heroin (I was drunk). I said it in a jokey way, to be fair, and it was clearly obvious that he wasn't addicted at all. The next day at work, having completey forgotten about it, my manager calls me into his office.
"I hear that your friend is addicted to Heroin" he says.
"Err-" I says
"Well Claire wants to call together some sort of intervention. She's too upset to come into work today, but she wanted me to tell you what was happening"
I didn't tell him it was a joke, I slyly rang her up on my break and told her it was all a big misunderstanding. When my mate found out about it all, he dumped her saying "How stupid can you be? Do I look like a smack-head?".
Anyway, fun and games eh?
(Testimule, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 18:42, Reply)

the date you should never gone on/had....
all been there i think apart from the heavy metal bods and no-air guitar with yer johnson is NOT a date, nor trying to shag your computer/PS2/fill in the ******
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Tue 17 Oct 2006, 18:10, Reply)

Faux pas with mobile phones?
I'm sure there's plenty of stories about drunken texting/ texts that went to the wrong person/ inappropriate usage of the camera and all the other social horrors that are now possible due to the mobile age.

Mine? During the course of an illicit fling I retained a photograph of my special friend's appendage. Which was found by my mates, a lesbian couple, whilst scrolling uninvited through my stored photographs. "It looks like an ice cream," they said, unimpressed.

It did a bit.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Fri 13 Oct 2006, 17:41, Reply)

Legal drugs.....any good?
As a poor student/ pathetic law abiding wannabe rebel/ scared of the good stuff girl, have anyone bothered to sample stuff from those 'Legal High' places? You know, 'Legal LSD'or similar where you have to take 6 tablets the size of grapes full of some herbal shit. Most importantly- did it actually do bugger all?
(Katana01 It's all fun and games 'til someone gets hurt, Fri 13 Oct 2006, 10:24, Reply)

Question of the week
When you were a child what did you want to be when you grew up? and what did you actually end up doing?
(Euan Oos-army Josh, dad's found your scooter!, Wed 11 Oct 2006, 18:20, Reply)

Rubbish Excuses
When caught masturbating, the only rubbish excuse that springs to mind is "I was cleaning it", leading naturally to the challenge:

"Oh yes, and what's this crusty sock I found under your bed?"

"I ...err... trod in milk."

What rubbish excuses have you given? Eh? EH?
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 11 Oct 2006, 12:36, Reply)

wittiest riposts
The other night I was walking home when a big group of chav lads started following me, yelling what they wanted to 'do' to me.

So I yelled back that I was a man in drag. Isn't it nice these days that kids aren't homophobic? (I'm not, really, but I am a tall lass.)

They scarpered pretty quickly.

Tell us how you've escaped a sticky situation using only your razor-sharp wit...
(no way hose is staring unemployment in the face on, Wed 11 Oct 2006, 11:27, Reply)

creative vandalism
you know the sort of thing, bilboard knobling gluing gimp masks on statues original/unusual graffiti not mindless scrawlings funny thought provoking stuff.
( amoebaboy chose for death by unga bunga on, Tue 10 Oct 2006, 21:45, Reply)

Things to do whilst on the sick from work.......
I am currently on indefinate sick-leave due to a serious leg fracture, so far I just seem to be spending all day on the internet and then getting seriously drunk all night, seven days a week with extra enphasis on the drinking at weekends. Watching my weight rise is another spectator sport, I blame the all the wrong food, after all there's no fat in alcohol. The highlight of my long days are spooking the odd telesales callers. I agree to everything they sell and protract their sales driven inane conversations to the max, only to cut them off halfway through my fake credit card number. Oh what joy, when the reps turn up and I pretend to be mentally disabled on my crutches. My best to date was the double glazing saleman, who I asked in to measure up the window in my washing machine door! Then there was the loft insulation guy who I asked to lift down some boxes from the attic (in sympathy for me), but I kept saying "just one more" till he'd cleared my loft, then I laughed at his quote and showed him the door. Another good one is parking in the disabled spaces (without a blue badge) and waiting for the busybody or jobsworth to come and have a go, then clamber out of the car onto your crutches and watch the blood drain from their faces in total embarrassment. I could go on, there must be others I've not tried yet, please advise...
(minky, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 21:32, Reply)

defending with terminal intensity
ok, we all have them,
the things that you hold sacred and will argue about for days on end and never give in often resorting to violence.
with me its anyone trying to convince me that mario is better than sonic, will result with me launching into a rant:

"you just dont get it!!!, mario was about gameplay and fun each new chapter hearalds an entirely new challenge with new level premise's,new power ups they built upon the old games without losing the soul of the orginal ect ect

or as spaced so rightly put it :

"I once punched a bloke in the face for saying hulk the slayer was rubbish."

what are the often ridiculous opinions you cannot be persuaded from and would fight to uphold?

(Im not counting religious beliefs here, so you'll have to think of something better than , i once flew a plane into some buildings because....)
(Zrya Loves the new presidents album > 80% of kittens, Mon 9 Oct 2006, 7:37, Reply)

Call me odd, but...
...
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sun 8 Oct 2006, 9:24, Reply)

Moments that woulda made freud proud
Mine is a rather dull case of the freudian slip. I was speaking to an ex-girlfriend (x)shortly having just left a long relationship with someone else (y)

The embarrassment came in answering the question "what have you been up to then?". For some reason which I will never understand I said without even noticing. "Well as you probably know I was going out with x for the past 18months" I didn't notice anything was wrong until everyone stopped talking looked at me and decided to make snap judgements and diagnosis.

A subtle but excruciating experience, but I think the b3tan's can do better, what are your embarrassing bubblings of the unconscious what neurosis have unfairly made you the subject of fun? Sit on the sofa lounge and tell us all about it.
(StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows, Sat 7 Oct 2006, 21:59, Reply)

Trick or Treating

The first year I went trick or treating I went with my best mate Colin. It was pouring down with rain, and for 4 hours we were knock knocking nonstop. At the end of the night it turns out the bag he'd been putting the money in had a hole in and the only thing we had to show for the last 4 hours was a cold, I was livid.

I got my own back the next year though, I made sure I was in charge of the money collecting and I delibrately cut a hole in the bag I kept the coins in. Hah, another 4 hours of trick or treating totally wasted, that showed him.
(Lt Columbo, Fri 6 Oct 2006, 0:49, Reply)

What is your brain up to while you're sleeping?
Bizarre dreams/nightmares.

Last night I was to ride in a car with JFK and Gov. Connelly through Dallas on a fine November afternoon. I kept wondering if I should tell them or if that would spoil the surprise.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 5 Oct 2006, 15:43, Reply)

Strange Sexual offers?
When a friend of mine was in the army.

Apparently they had finished some course or other, so the Sergeant Major, let them all get pissed in the barracks.

At the end of the piss up in the early hours, the Sergeant came into the barracks and woke two of his favorite squaddies, he then led them to his digs and into the living room.

On entering, sat on the table was his wife in kinky lingerie, he turned to them and said ''knock your self out lads!'' This was a weekly thing for his wife, and he liked to watch.

Apprently years later they got divorced because she was seeing someone else!

Anyway has anyone ever had strange offers of sex?

A tramp once offered me sex for a fiver, she was told to fuck off! As she looked riddeled with disease and was a mingasaurus rex! So I gave her £2 for some cider.

Also while in Sydney one of those gays offered to give my friend a blow job and he'd pay him because he was so pretty! He's never lived down being loved by the gays.
(ruud316, Thu 5 Oct 2006, 13:49, Reply)

Weird preferences
I'm not sure if this is more common than I realise or if I seriously need psychiatric help, but I eat M&Ms in an order to make sure that the green and blue ones get left until last. I don't care what people say, they *do* taste better.

Are there any weird things you feel you need to do to enjoy something properly?
( shovelboy This is bad - Two minutes to Belgium, Wed 4 Oct 2006, 0:59, Reply)

I've Been On TV
Everybody's been on telly at least once, even by accident. I've been immortalised on Welsh TV by mouthing "Who the fuck is that?" at Big Brother's Glyn during a report on Wales Today where he returns to North Wales, which I live.

Actually been on TV twice, but I'm saving my second story for if this question gets nominated.
(rhyswynne - on every social network mullarkey known to man, Tue 3 Oct 2006, 10:19, Reply)

Our Song don't tell your partner you hate it
When I first met my wife she decided that she would dedicate the song "How do I live" by LeAnn Rimes to me and then assumed it was "our song", we had our first dance at our wedding reception to it.
Only one problem I can't stand it, I hate country and western music, I tried not to tell her but after years of listening to the sentimental crap at least once a week, it goes on for over 4 mins, I was drunk one night and cracked and told her how I felt about the song.
Now I wish I had kept my trap shut, as I still have to listen to the track but also have to put up with the look on her face when it is on.
(murphrich, Mon 2 Oct 2006, 17:17, Reply)

Insulting those with mental illness
… everyone has done it at some stage.
I was dating an American lady a few years back.
In one of those conversations about your direction in life (*yawn*) that you have to go through with most women she asked me "what do you look for in a woman".
Now, I had been seeing an Auzzie girl (who was EXTREMLY screwed up) previously so I replied "mental sanity" and we both laughed it off as a joke.
Nothing came of the date and we went our separate ways but met again at a party a couple of weeks later.
We got talking and she just angrily blurted out the she was taking medication for bi-polar disorder! She got really nasty so I beat a hasty retreat to the boozer across the road.
Unknowingly later on that night I was talking to my mates about what had happened. She overheard me saying that “cigarettes are not the only thing that should come with a health warning!”.
Cue another hasty exit!
(fuzzynavelnose, Mon 2 Oct 2006, 11:55, Reply)

Rugby Lads
Hate them or loathe them, everyone seems to have a story about a group of burly wankers who do the most inappropriate things when pissed.

I remember a few years ago a traditional dinner was taking place at my college, and for some reason, no one was allowed to leave the room till the end of the meal, not even to go for a piss. The loud, posh cunts decided that they had solved the conundrum by pissing in empty water jugs. This was all jolly good fun until one of them was about to relieve himself into the vessel and a 2p was dropped in his jug (meaning he HAD to drink the 2 litre collection of everyone's piss.) Instead of saying "No fucking chance" he necked it, chucked up in the jug and ran out in his piss-stained tux.

And I got bollocked for talking during the Latin speeches, because it was "inappropriate".

What's your story of how a group of like minded, dress-wearing, pissed jumped up shits ruined your night (but yet was actually quite funny)?
(Hammer Time, Mon 2 Oct 2006, 2:05, Reply)

This week don't answer a question but write a long complicated story
about nothing. Caps are optional.
( d d, Mon 2 Oct 2006, 1:25, Reply)

Awkward silences...
We've all been there when someone has called the Vicar a fucknut at a funeral, causing the pianist to stop and everybody go quiet.

Tell us your most thoughtless moments of ineptitude...
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sun 1 Oct 2006, 22:17, Reply)

this week i have been mostly eating...
what strange diets have you embarked upon, what happened, yadda yadda yadda etc
(Just Harry What should I put here?, Sun 1 Oct 2006, 10:56, Reply)

drunk flashbacks
this morning i woke up with a light head and a series of strange flashbacks, the weirdest one was being accosted for money in the middle of the road outside an esso by a skinny tenager with a kitten in his coat. who wanted 30p for the cat.
not to buy the cat you understand, he just wanted money because he owned a cat. i gave it to him and petted the cat, I also rember i said something witty and approprate, along the lines of "heyy itss a fuckkin' cat!, woo and yay have 35p i like cats"

whats your best flashback after a drunken night out?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 30 Sep 2006, 19:53, Reply)

My next door neighbour

is a bald slaphead, who keeps playing his fecking music too loud. I combat this by sellotaping slices of toast over my ears through the night, he's a right cunt.

tell me about yours (your neighbour that is, not your cunt)

EDIT:sorry, I've just remembered the scary neighbours QOTW

What about...

Giggs gone wrong

I went to see a comedian and he died a slow painful death infront of everyone. He had no comeback for the heckles, and he was so bad my mother-in-law sat there making jokes about him.
(Lt Columbo, Fri 29 Sep 2006, 0:52, Reply)

stoopid people
A selection of my friends and I all simultaneously learnt how to "net send" messages using dos prompt.

Initially, it got used for "coming for a fag?", even though we were all sat in a long row. But then, noticing how much like a warning message it looked we started having fun with the stupidity that abounded in our workplace.

We net sent the department thicky, who was incredibly messy, a message saying "warning, your desk top is too untidy, you must tidy your desk" and then chortled, wept and wee'd ourselves out of the department as he frantically started to tidy his desk.

What mean things have you done to those lacking the brains god gave a shovel?
( 99redbuffoons Reversed the polarity of the neutron flow at, Thu 28 Sep 2006, 14:04, Reply)