End of Magic?
The bit where Anthony Hopkins comes back to Fats with a bloodstained knife and you realise he's stabbed himself, and not Ann Margret.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 18:53, 3 replies)

Amazing timing
Just a few days ago my wife walked out, taking the kids with her. That's a pretty strong hint that the magic's gone. The confusing bit is that she's cooking meals for me and bringing them round.
( SteamedCleaner, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 18:41, 10 replies)

I pity the person who does have a romantic relationship with this one.
Over the past five years, I've come to the conclusion that a formerly close friend, despite her few positive attributes, is overall a manipulative, immature, gullible, self-focused waste of time. Why haven't I told her to fuck off yet? Because she works with my husband, and I don't want her making trouble for him. She turns even the mildest critique into a full-fledged war and would take gold in Olympic grudge-carrying. I think the breaking point came this past spring, when she spent an entire evening sulking because I wouldn't take a break from the dinner party I was hosting to read a paper she wrote (that, it transpired, she never actually emailed to me in the first place) -- as though I had nothing else to do at the time!

Everything wrong in her life is someone else's fault. She failed her exams because another co-worker didn't cover a day off for her to study -- not because she always waited until the last minute to do any work. Her flatmate doesn't get on with her because she's jealous that (friend) got the bigger room -- not because she's a slob who won't do her share of the housework. She's tired and run down because of a whole slew of invented health issues -- not because she thinks a can of Diet Coke and a bag of candy constitute a full meal.

When something goes wrong, she finds someone to blame so that she can create a reason for being unhappy that doesn't involve her own choices and actions. It's much easier to do that than to take any kind of responsibility, you see! After all, it isn't like she's a grown woman, what with nearly being 30. If she's had a bad day, the next thing you know she'll suddenly be giving you the silent treatment because it is All Your Fault. Why? Because you said that day's Magic Word! Something, anything, that she could perceive as being a slight against her. She once refused to speak to a co-worker for two weeks because she thought the girl had been trying to insult her by saying she didn't believe in homeopathy.

Then there's the New Age crap. 'Cleanses', crystal healing, homeopathy, being a 'medium'. . .the list goes on. Her newest thing is this snake-oil service where some quack holds a food item near you, and if you move then it means your body is somehow recognizing the food as 'bad', and that means you're 'allergic' to it. So now she's 'allergic' to everything from peanuts to wheat to soy sauce despite having no problems to date. She's always looking for signs that she's suffering from the latest trendy difficult-to-define syndrome. Far easier to invent health issues than to admit you eat crap foods and never get enough sleep! That would require taking responsibility. Don't believe in that stuff? Your opinion is a personal attack on her, and you will be punished for it by passive-aggressive behaviour until you apologise repeatedly for hurting her feelings -- not that she'll tell you an apology is expected. You're just supposed to know she's offended and act accordingly.

She takes so much more than she gives, and I am so sick of listening to her complain about how she isn't to blame for every little imperfect thing in her life, all of which being perfectly within her power to control to her satisfaction. I'm sick of having to pretend that this shell of a friendship means anything to me. I'm especially sick of having to make nice and treat her with kid gloves because otherwise, she'll freak out and make the workday hard for my husband, but the sliver lining is that she's thinking of quitting (people refusing to cover her shifts is making it impossible for her to do schoolwork, you see). Oh, please, please, please!

Ah. . .thank you, B3ta. That feels better.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 18:35, 4 replies)

Over before it really started
He had a lovely voice and told me he sang in a choir. I was impressed and had visions of witnessing soaring versions of various Requiems.
He invited me to a choir practice and I sat down on the visitors chair through the vocal warmups then the real practice started...
"WITH A HEY NONNY NONNY ...".
My eyes widened, my heart sank and if it wasn't for the fact that we drove there in his car, I would have fled there and then.

By the way, in the car coming home he told me he wanted to become a morris dancer.
( Flowerpot No longer has the vapours thanks to DTH, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 18:30, 2 replies)

painful
he asked me out, i said yes.
i kissed him, he hit me with a brick.
fucking 8-year-olds.

EDITED FOR PERVS: i was only 7 at the time!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 18:21, 8 replies)

Another with a doctor
He performed a colonoscopy on me in the hospital. It was quick, dirty and painful. ALWAYS take the anesthetic!
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Thu 21 Oct 2010, 18:11, Reply)

Hmmm.
A few years back I met this very sweet girl through a group of friends in a nightclub. We got on well and started dating. She seemed to be quite innocent and if not pure then not far past it. But then she met a new friend and when ever she was not with me she seemed to be with him. Her best friend knew what was going on and thankfully gave me whatever warning she could in a variety of subtle ways without breaking the loyalty she felt to an old friend.

In the end I got fed up with her lying and started being nosey around her myspace, email etc and STILL she denied the whole thing. Then I found something she couldn't deny via the other guys friend. This was on valentine's day after I had shelled out £500 for a hotel etc. So I did the only decent thing. I took her away for three days without him knowing. We then split up but I kept shagging her behind his back, half because I loved her and half because I was going to hurt the ugly little cunt and her too no matter what happened to me. Add in a new cheap mobile (anonymous too) and the fact he lived miles away and I had his mobile number too and I spent ages winding him up, giving her panic attacks and feeling so good when I saw the look on her face when we were out and she got a phone call from him telling her he knew she was with me (she wasn't allowed to see me but the blind twat couldn't see she was lying anymore than I could).

Then we stopped everything but stayed friends. I gave up and met someone else. She and him stayed together for a while until he went to uni and started doing other people whereupon she went a bit mental, on the coke, breaking things, meeting a nice new guy and treating him like absolute shit and generally having a bit of a break down (which I like to think I may have helped along a bit).

One day the new lady and I had broken up and old ex reappeared on the scene and wanted me back. I went along with it for a while and then told her I wanted her back as much as I wanted to put my bollocks in between two sharpened lift doors and left her to it. Now only her best friend stands by her. Her other friends hate her, she has grown up and thankfully is a much nicer person.

I didn't enjoy that year of my life, but I forgave, if not forgot. I am not perfect and I am sure it was karma for something I had done in the past but it at least balanced the universe I suppose.
(elfinpunk Touching Cloth Since, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 17:47, 1 reply)

I had one
She was my first proper girlfriend, met at college, ended up at the same uni.

Still, we'd been together for two years, which seems a long time at that age and I loved her and cared about her. Even after she started spending more and more time with a new male friend she met and less mith me, and even when she made me feel like shit for interrupting her fun when I told her I was desperately unhappy with the relationship and the incredible, irrational guilt-twisting plays on her part, and even when she was saying that 'It wasn't like that' and that she still cared despite signals more mixed and impenetrable than cement, which just dragged the whole sorry process on.

So we split up. She's now with him. She didn't have the courtesy to let me know. I was always too nice to have a proper go, telling myself that it was pointless. I wish I had. I think it would have helped.

I am enjoying being single though. You don't need to move on to someone else right away. I think I'm more confident these days, possibly as a result. So that's something good come out of it at least, since the rest of the memories are tarnished.
(friedel, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 17:29, 2 replies)

Creepy Thin Man
it started off well, he made me laugh and could roll a joint. he wasn't that bad in bed, either. i knew he wasn't the type for an exclusive relationship, but nor was i. we were happy enough just having fun.
now for the bad points. he was unbelievably quiet. i mean, really. you had to constantly ask him to speak up as nobody could hear what he was saying. he was so thin, if he turned sideways, he practically disappeared. if we stood next to each othet, we looked like the number 18. he would hit on ANY woman. i've seen him get turned down by one girl, then try it on with her mother. he though hygiene was a greeting. he was bone idle. he had no backbone whastsoever. i once saw him getting hit by a 12-year-old girl. he was 34 at the time. he would let anyone and everyone walk all over him.
i knew all these things about him, but that was just him, so i accepted it. we were both seeing other people from time to time, so it wasn't so bad.
one day, he turned up on my doorstep, dripping blood from a very nasty wound on his head. turns out a girl he knew had gone to his house for a smoke, but he'd caught her stealing from him and asked her to leave. she responded by telling her father, a crazy turkish guy with a machete and a bad attitude, that CTM had tried it on with her. her dad went utterly tonto and attacked him with the machete. fortunately, the wound wasn't too deep, but it was pretty nasty. being the spineless twat i'd grown to know and detest, he refused to call the police, in case the girl's dad caught up with him again. he asked if he could stay with me, as he was too scared to go home. foolishly, i let him move in.
for five months, he ate me out of house and home, stank the place out with his feet, made a point of coming into the bathroom for a shit while i was in the bath, smoked my fags and never once contributed a penny. finally, i'd had enough. we weren't sleeping together any more and hadn't been for some time. i just couldn't bear to be near him any more, so i threw him out.
about 2 months later, he called around, looking for sympathy. whilst he was living at mine, he'd gone to meet a woman in leeds, who'd generously shared her crabs with him. he seriously thought i'd be supportive.
i laughed my fucking arse off.
i haven't seen Creepy Thin Man for 2 years now. i finally got rid of him the only way i knew how - i lent him money.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 17:18, 2 replies)

A tough one
As essentially every relationship that includes me automatically becomes deadly. But how and ever there was two teenage romances that spring to mind.

The first was a nice girl, moderately good looking and good company. Her coat however, was coated with wax and used to make me gag in disgust (in my mind) as we walked side by side. That coat spelled the end of our relationship.

The second was another nice looking girl who I invited to the cinema for a bit of tongue lolling. Happy with the result of the date we skidaddled to Burger kings for some after cine munchies. As I sat opposite her I smiled thinking not a bad bird to bag when I saw "them". As the chip made its way towards her open gob I saw the tiniest set of fingers ever attached to a palm. I actually went to puke in the toilet and ran off texting her apologies and thankfully, never seeing her again.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Thu 21 Oct 2010, 17:15, 4 replies)

After another horrible night out ending in an argument
my girlfriend at the time made me sleep on the floor.

I was later awoken by her crouching over me doing a wee on my head in her sleep.

This made me realise that somewhere deep in her subconscious she really hated me. Walked home with wee wee dripping down my face (possibly mixed with tears) and never saw her again!
(Errorist, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 17:14, 8 replies)

Just for a change, this is not a tale of a batshit-insane ex
She is, and was, a perfectly nice person.

Some years ago, I became completely entranced by a girl who had been just a friend up until that point. She had become single, and I realised that I had, much to my surprise, fallen for her big time. Unfortunately, having come out of a long relationship, she wanted to go wild and wasn't interested in a new one.

I spent the best part of a year attempting to convince her that I was who she should be with. As I say, we were friends so were often socialising together anyway; unfortunately that meant that I had to watch as she got off with other men. It was hell, but I stuck with it; I genuinely cared about her, it wasn't just lust.*

Eventually, just before she went back to visit her folks over christmas, she agreed that, as she had had enough of wildness and was calming down now, we could go out on actual dates in the new year, and see how it went. Finally it looked like there was a chance that things might be working out.

Until, that is, the New Year party where she was due to appear on her return to town. Which she did - along with her new boyfriend, who she'd met while back home.

Bugger.

At that point, I realised that it was never going to happen, and reluctantly gave up my pursuit.

Now, here's the face-palming head-banging-on-the-wall part: I became good friends with this new boyfriend, to the point that, when they split up a couple of years later, he came to ME for tea and sympathy! Bastard!

Still, ya gotta laff, aint'cha?

* A lot of lust too, of course. And I did shag her, along the way: it was a relationship she wasn't interested in
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 17:14, Reply)

Never fall in love with a nymphomaniac...
I was going out with a nurse 5 years my senior and not only was she an absolute nymphomaniac but she also had her own car – I didn’t even have a licence. One night when picking me up to go out clubbing I noticed a new car sticker on her car – “The Rio, Didcot”.
I casually asked when she had got it as I knew it was a new style and she replied that it came in the post with her membership renewal. Without much thought I said that I hadn’t received a car sticker with my membership and she replied “Well you don’t have a car”.
Thought for a second and said “Yeah, but they don’t know that!”

There seemed to be a sudden change in her demenour - she looked very tense - so I jokingly added “Come on, my mate Bammy saw you there last night with that bloke!”
She went pale and was very, very quiet.
I knew it was over and I was gutted.
My “joke” had been uncannily accurate.
She had indeed been there the night before; picked up a bloke she knew and let him shag her in the back of her car.

I was gutted beyond belief. My dreams of growing old with her were crushed. To say I adored her would be an understatement - I would have crawled over ten miles of broken glass just to brush my teeth with her shit.

However I am so lucky to now be with the woman I truly love more than life itself. Not one crappy moment that I can recall in 27 years.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:27, 6 replies)

The day I got slapped
That convinced me that my wife may not have been the one for me. After over 2 years of divorce hell, it's all finally over, so huzzah for that! Just a shame that during that time, I met, and fell in love with, an amazing person, who a few months later told me to sling my hook. D'oh!!

Ah well, the single game is still fun...
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:22, Reply)

I got her holiday 'photos developed she claimed she'd lost.
Then left the evidence on the coffee table for her to find.

I did the right thing and booted her out, told her to clear out her stuff. Which she did, along with all of mine! (I tell a lie, she left me a fork and a spoon!)
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:14, 6 replies)

Thoughts buried deeper than those miners
My temptation here is to shower you all with an array of spiteful comments about my cheating ex of nine years. Instead I'm going to show a bit of backbone and reveal some reasons why I made it a crappy relationship, going for the cathartic angle.

Met her when I was seventeen, we broke up in May 2009. We have lived together for eight of those years and owned a house together for the last two. During our second year she cheated on me with an internet fling, they met up under the subtext of her visiting her parents. She tearily confessed to me just over a week later not out of guilt as I thought back then but because it was only a couple of days after her mother ripped her father off and ran off with a con artist! My list of mistakes begin here. I forgave her.

I say I forgave her but in actual fact I engaged in some crafty self-deception and simply buried all that shit in the back of my mind out of fear. I feared losing her, feared the thought of being alone. I was pretty convinced that I wouldn't be able to find somebody else, I still haven't now but that's out of not looking. Understand, my self-confidence has always been in short supply, often masked by false bravado, so I figured if I lost her either by kicking her out or her simply leaving that I would not be able to replace her.

In a rare moment of personal honesty it all blew up a couple of years later when I was due to move overseas for business for six months, we broke up the night before and reconciled hours later. Out. Of. Fear. Scared, yet again, that once I lost her I wouldn't find anyone else, ever. Fresh cement was laid down on top of the feelings and we proceeded on as ever. The entire time my trust in her was diminishing and my longing to connect with her was failing.

So I'm a coward. Even up until the point of her leaving. She was seeing some random prick who was happy to be a third wheel behind my back, I knew it was going on but said nothing. It was then that she pressed the self-destruct button on "us", she asked me about marriage and proposals. Like the night before I left for Brussels I was cornered into a bout of personal honesty, that honesty being me in complete silence when she asked me if I wanted to marry her. A week later we separated with civility, I even helped her move out to her new flat down the road, even gave her stuff that I bought with my money. Not fearing that I'd lose her this time but still scared of what she thought of me, I couldn't dare be nasty and tell her just how I felt. I still suffer from this problem.

We had plenty of good times like most bad relationships do but ultimately it should never have gotten past that first train wreck, I'm sure most of you will agree.

So there's my confession. I'm often terrified of what people think of me and I have the habit of burying the emotions that are most important and the worst part is I don't know if I've learnt anything yet from this. It's been nearly 18 months and I've yet to pursue anybody else and if I suspect somebody thinks badly of me I pretty much break out in sweats. Having recently moved to Australia from the north west of England I'm hopeful that such a radical move is evidence of some sort of change. I just hope that I'm changing myself and not simply my location.

Length… approx 10,400 miles.
( blitheringidiot semi-lurker status achieved, many thanks, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:01, 5 replies)

I'm single
Get worse than that.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 16:00, 13 replies)

My Mental Ex - A two part series
Its long, so I have posted in the replies.

Hope its been worth the 2 hours its took to type up.


*edit all done now and I didnt proof read it as its already consumed my whole afternoon....
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 15:36, 9 replies)

stupid rebound...
bit long intit?

...I was with my ex for 5 years and the last 3 years was more like we were mates that occasionally shagged but really the spark had gone and so we eventually called it a day and moved on. (There was a period that was a bit wrong where she still lived in our 1 bed flat and slept in the same bed as me whilst she was seeing someone else but we'll let that slide for the mo).

I was left horny as you like with the interwebs there to help me land another lady. I tried every single one of the dating websites I could find (apart from, and I kick myself about this often adultfriendfinder (it was too expensive...)) most of which threw up women who looked not at all like their serving suggestions on their profiles. But after a few years in the blue balled wilderness, I was getting laid and that was what mattered. I eventually tried the Guardian's dating website as I figured ladies on there might have what was lacking in most of the rest (intelligence and hopefully some integrity) but no... I was once again duped by a girl who looked proper horny (and to be fair to her she was the dirtiest girl I had ever met – recently waaaaaay out done by Mrs Bovis but at that point I was jealous of myself for the most part) but she had bad eyebrows (a definite no-no) and what could only be described as a small moon instead of an arse.

She lived far away which was ideal for me as it meant I could continue seeing my friends and having the fun I’d become accustomed to without having to look for girls all the time when I was out, with the sureity of where my next 3D (somewhat too 3D I guess) encounter with a nekkid whu-man was going to be.

Then she got me (and yes, the size of the arse and the terribleness of the brows should have combined to make me run away waving my arms in the air but I was rebounding and she was interesting. Sometimes men can actually overlook these things believe it or not) but over the course of a month or so she managed to make me feel guilty for going out with my friends during the week, or for watching a film on my own and not talking to her on yahoo messenger 24/7... basically the long distance made her massively insecure even though there was nothing for her to worry about. I knew this and realised there was nothing I could do other than stop going out, which I duly did. My friends saw me drop off the radar, my ex saw the change in me and got really worried for my sanity.

5 months in and I was experiencing all the symptoms of actual clinical depression because of her and I couldn’t split up with her, no matter how hard I tried (the distance should have made the break up easier but it made me feel bad cos I knew she liked me a whole lot more than I ever liked her, so I couldn’t do it by phone) until eventually I managed to do it (can't remember how, might have been by phone... I think, it might have even been by messenger but it definitely wasn't face to face as there would have been a slight chance that I may have steered my car into oncoming traffic - I really wasn't in a good place). She ruined my life for 5 months (and then there were repercussions that still have a profound effect on me now) and I then ruined hers for a while after.

If you’re reading this, that was the reason I didn’t want to go out with you any more, you know how I said I wasn’t ready for a relationship and then went and got married 2 years later? Well it was more like I didn’t want a relationship like the one you were offering... it nearly killed me.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 15:32, 4 replies)

Sorry
Bronze medal winning Olympic relay runner Dwain Chambers would rather travel by road, air or rail when possible.

The crappy relay shuns ships.

Length? 4 x 100m I believe.
( Sculpture of Man Putting a banging donk on it since, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 15:27, 1 reply)

I am sorry
I am sure I have gone on about this before but what the heck, QOTW is bad relationships lets revisit together.

1) We worked together.
2) He cried when he tried to ask me out.
3) I tried to end it after the first date, he cried again.
4) I felt bad and I told him I was wrong and we should give it a go.
5) I was embarrassed about being his girlfriend and told everyone, who asked, that I want.
6) His parents (he refused to move out of home) disliked me. His father was foul his mother was worse.
7) He wore the same clothes as his father… edit He wore his fathers clothes.
8) I can only assume he disliked washing or wearing clean clothes.
9) Career minded he was applying for other jobs/promotion. I did the same.
10) I changed jobs, he didn’t.
11) He spent a bit of time in the head hospital.
12) I spent a long time consumed by guilt.
13) We never argued. It was pointless as his parents were always right.
14) We went on holiday to Portugal.
15) I said enough was enough.
16) I see him walking in the street sometimes, but I pretend not to.
17) My new man is wonderful, sexy, bathes, fiery, level headed, funny, sexy, romantic, energetic, cooks, cleans, is good with money (I like that, I am good with money too) understanding, caring, sexy, buys his own clothes and is Portuguese.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 15:26, 4 replies)

Genuine Nutter
The last girlfriend before Mrs. Booce tried to stake me through the heart with a kitchen knife, whilst under the delusion that I was a vampire. She was a schizophrenic, which still doesn't explain why I didn't leave then.

That was one of those surreal moments that, despite being instensly stressful, is somehow still funny even as it's happening to you.

She later went on to spray antifreeze in my face, at which point the self preservation kicked in and I got the hell out.

Good times.
(Booce, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 15:25, 7 replies)

Poooo
I was at a party with a whole bunch of my mates, one of them I was quite close to.
He showed me a text message he thought was funny on his new phone, I didn't know how to get back out of his texts so I pressed a random button and a 'sweet dreams' text popped up from my missus to him! He tried to make out it was because he had text her saying he wasn't feeling well or something like that. The relationship was pretty much over already at that point so I didn't pursue it. Turns out while I was paying all the bills and slowly sinking into debt, she was squirreling her money away for herself. I got my 1st overdraft and she had about 7 grand in her bank. Thanks love. They were shagging behind my back all along too.
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Thu 21 Oct 2010, 15:24, 3 replies)

A wee pearoast
I was heading up the stairs to bed one night. My wife had gone perhaps an hour earlier. I came into the bedroom to find a peculiar sight. My wife's bedside light was still on, and she was lying with her mobile phone in her hand. However, she was fast asleep.

Trying not to wake her, I took the phone from her hand. It was a flip-style phone and as I was about to close it when I noticed that she had been in the middle of reading a text - from my mate - which explained in graphic detail what he'd like to do to her. I checked her sent messages and found a similar array of texts from her to him.

She woke up at this point and there followed a 'discussion' between us. She was very apologetic - almost hysterical in fact - and assured me that nothing had happened physically between them. We tried to patch things up, but from then on the relationship was doomed.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 21 Oct 2010, 15:17, 2 replies)

Whilst watching "100 Greatest Sexy moments" with my wife
during one particularly explicit scene, my wife suddenly said "...I used to have a lampshade like that"

yep, that's the magic gone right there :o/
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Thu 21 Oct 2010, 15:09, 7 replies)

When I got a letter from the CSA (Cnuts)
Sorry for swearing, but if you have had any dealings with them you know that you can't say CSA (Cnuts) without swearing
(Vinegar strokes Should know better on, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 14:59, 97 replies)

Eugh.
I was 6 months younger than her, on her 18th birthday she invited me and my mum round to her house for a family meal to celebrate her birthday. It was me, my mum, her, her parents, her 2 little brothers, and her best friend. After the main course, her and her best friend disappeared upstairs, came down dressed like absolute skanky sluts, and announced that they were going out clubbing. I wasn't old enough to get into any clubs, so was expected to sit with my mum and her family and eat desert. I then found out she cheated on me that night. Still, I dumped the bitch met a new girl who I am now living with in our own flat. The ex is now an alcoholic whore who still lives with her parents; I'm just thankful that it ended when it did! :D
(onelegout, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 14:57, Reply)

bloody .mp3 ringtones!
it probably the day that her phone rang, and a tinny voice of Joe Cocker sang out "In my life I've seen sorrow, heartache and pain" from it's little speaker

that's probably the moment I realised our relationship was destined for failure!
(Anne Frank started to build a loft conversion on, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 14:52, 1 reply)