Leaving aside another item such as 'landlords from hell'
(suffice it to say I will never live in a B&B again) we come on to my present neighbours..

I live in a semi. The neighbours in the detached to the left are a lovely couple in their fifties - we chat and do neighbourly things occasionally.

The neighbours adjoining my semi.. I should have suspected something when they asked me to go halves on erecting a fence between our gardens (fair enough) - said fence is around 7ft tall. They then banged on the wall when I was busy getting intimate with an appreciative person (sod *right* off.. they're a couple and can have sex any time they want. I'm rather single and encounters are infrequent :(. I'd never complain about someone having sex unless it was amazingly frequent and in the early hours.)

I was subjected to a tirade of abuse after I hadn't cut the shared front lawn, and they had three times. I'm at work all day, if they keep it short, how am I to know it's been cut? If they'd asked politely I would have been happy to do so.

Still, it gradually improved after that. I pointedly left the (half cut on their side) lawn for 3-4 days before cutting all of the lawn.

I'm a little eccentric, and it's noticeable I'm probably queer. I've (slightly) overplayed this just to keep their tactless and spineless selves quiet.

It's possibly also due to the fact they can't afford to move. They tried to sell their house for 20 grand more than mine is worth (theres has a conservatory and a nicer garden, because they paid someone to plant it. I did it myself) and couldn't do so.

Basically, I think they're jealous that I'm single yet can afford the mortgage by myself, that I'm having supposedly great sex (not actually true, but they only have noise to go on..), a wildly active social life and don't conform to their definition of normal.

Overall I rarely see or hear them though, so after those niggles they fit my definition of good neighbours.
(EssY, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 14:44, Reply)

funny neighbours should come up
the guy who lives across from us, he's an old guy, prolly about 60, he killed his father a few years ago.....
pigs...murder charges, the lot.....


i tend not to speak to him
(VashTheStampede http://www.b3ta.com/features/howtopoachanegg/, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 14:14, Reply)

Halls
Mainly posting this because I fancy having a go a them.

James - Posh schoolboy twat in the room next to me in Halls (Scraptoft Campus, DeMontfort Uni, Throsby hall, downstairs on the right, 1991) shagging some irish slut called Peta. You were fucking loud and everyone hated you. Mainly cos you were a public schoolboy and you only hung around with other soggy-biscuit champions like yourself. Anyway, Peta told me I was looking through your keyhole whilst you were shagging. a) We could hear every sound, no imagination required. b) you didnt last that long c) It was Paul down the other end of the corridor what did it because the cleaner saw him. and d) how would you know anyway?!

James - you were and no doubt always will be a twat. Oh and she used to shag your mate - the other blonde aryan nazi mate of yours. The one in the cricket jumper. Yes really.

15 years later, its still on my mind. Thats how much of a twat you were. Twatty twat McTwat twat. Oh and it was me that nicked the electrical fuses when you turned your stereo on at 5am - the box was in the kitchen in one of the cupboards. You dont know how much that amused me. Particularly when I took them with me at weekends.

I think thats specific enough. Thanks B3ta for that. Tally ho.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 13:47, Reply)

It's True! I swear by Satan's Butt!
When I was an impetuous young lad, I went into the woods to do the Native American Indian thing.  I have, and I am not kidding, had possibly the scariest neighbors in the world!  That is, next to the nice couple down the hall.

There was the guy named Wayne.  He was going to squat on this land until they had to give it to him, some homesteading law.  Wayne used to get drunk with a case of Old Millwaukee™ and start waving a knife around.  To get his beer money he did odd jobs, and finally one old woman he was working for stabbed him with that knife.

Charles did two tours in Vietnam.  One in the Army, two in the Navy.  He would get so drunk you would walk down the trail and suddenly he would be there, laying on his stomach on his elbows, eyes closed, whipping his head from side to side.

After I was re-civilized, I ended up in a house with this access road next to my bedroom.  Of course this is where I compute, so one day I hear, "BLAM!  BLAM!"  Then there is this scraping sound with a burdened engine.  "Damn!  Those boys got themselves a squirrel!" I am thinking to myself.  "What the hell is that!" I say when they have to tear out from the place carrying their ill gotten booty.

Later I'm talking to George, who heals his wounds by painting lacquer and varnish on them, and he shows me his new acquisition.  "And he done hit me here with a potato rake!  Then Bradley went and got his sawed-off and those boys took off!"  Some bunch had come to kill the drug dealer, who fights cocks, that lived down that damn road...
( CapnChkn I would rather be flying elephants., Tue 30 Aug 2005, 13:22, Reply)

Loonies
Our next door neighbours were the strangest roughest people we ever had the misfortune to live by. Husband, we'll call him Hop-It on account of his dodgy legs/back. Wife i'll call Duff cos she was a whale of a woman, Daughter Potter, cos she was the spitting image of Harry Potter, son AlanNo, cos that all we ever heard shouted at the kid.
Hop-It was on many benifits due to bein a crip,although we witnessed him climb over our 6 foot garden fence after telling his stalker daughter to piss off.And he could do a mean over arm launch of mice that his cat left on his door step.But you could always tell a benefit review was afoot cos hed take to his wheel chair n wifey wud push him to walk the dog.His Wifey, Duff, Was about 20 odd stone and pale, whilst coming in late one evening we saw her getting into the car with her husband at 11pm wearing a basque stockings etc, yes, a Grim-o-Gram, she also liked sunbathing in a thong n skimpy top.*vomits* Potter was ok although her resemblance to Harry Potter was striking. One day a few mates n me wer on our way to my house, when we see the family lock the front door,get in the car n drive off. then we see AlanNo in the front room crying holding up a piece of paper with sum cack handed scribblings on em, so we laugh and write the childline number on sum A4 and show him n off he totters.
Apologies for length, its just not necessary, Its All About Girth.dirty slut
(Legs 11 last got some loving on, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 13:07, Reply)

Scary neighbours
John lives in the flats opposite my house. I didn't know he existsedm until one day, just before Christmas 2004, I got a card on my doormat. Inside was a christmas card, with terrible writing. Long and short is that John is from no. 50, and wants to be my friend. f00k that, he has signed off his card with "sorry about the writing, my medication is very strong". I get a few more letters, and ignore the insane funster. A few weeks ago, I went to my mates BBQ in the next street along. Whaddya know, John's flat is between the 2 streets, so he also overlooks my mate's back garden. Friend says "hey, we got a letter from some bloke opposite". Guess who?! Gold star dear reader, it's John again, claiming that the residents in my street are all cnuts, and he wants to get rid of everyone from my street, and turn it into a Gay Commune. There's so much more about this loon I could write, but I actually feel sorry for this nutter.
(FinbarSaunders, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 12:48, Reply)

and they burnt the body in the back garden
hmmm, where to start? Oxmoor Estate in Huntingdon, My bedroom window used to overlook our neighbours garden, at 6am every monday morning I was woken by the sound of chickens being killed...This happened for oooh about four years

Two doors down a girl overdosed and the people with her wrapped her body in a carpet, removed her head and burnt her body in the back garden.

My next door neighbour on the other side of the house was a prostitute with a lazy eye...

i find a vaccuum pump helps with girth AND length
(lincolnsmithvstheblackprince I'm up to my knees in lionel here, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 12:48, Reply)

'Hello,
my name is Luka, I live on the second floor.'

and i fuck cats.
(nappy rash, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 12:39, Reply)

CO-OP man
oh jesus- this is like therapy... I moved into my quiet street about 4 years gao now. mte my neighbour (share a little balcony with him) and he shook my hand wandreed into MY house sat down and told me all about his drug-dealing habits (only on a thursday i sell the weed, its run like a CO-operative-wtf?) well that was a lie. Que 24/7 of bob marley and dr hook. a stabbing on my doorstep, explaining what the funny smell coming through the walls was, when my local frindly dealer dried out the gear in his cooker,Police accidentally doing a drugs bust on my flat by accident and catching me mid-shit on the toilet and the 2 rabid dogs the neighbour owned that would often deposit dead cats on my door step and rape my mums leg when she came to visit- you dont say NO to a pittbull. Then of course came the night of crashing and banging on my door with neighbour screaming for help. I answered, he says "can i borrow some tippex" i lend him some then crawl off to bed as it is 4 in the morning. 2 hours later banging and yelling again. what does he want now...."sorry doll, i meant to borrow a tin opener"
glad the bellend had to move after some lovely italian mates decided to inform him that his bob marley was no longer needed in the street (now have an old lady staying next door who pisses on the steps regularaly and throws rocks at squirrels- i like her!
(wilma_wonka, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 11:42, Reply)

i lived in a small block of flats in croydon.
there was a lovely wee lad in the flat below us who was the kid of a single mum that lived there. my flatmate had fixed her car for her and stuff, everything seemed normal. came back one day and the bloke in the bottom flat was telling us how he's had to call out the police because water was pouring into his flat from the woman's flat above and she wasn't answering the door. they came round and she was put into a mental hospital as it transpired she had turned the taps on in the bath and was refusing to turn them off until god gave her a signal to turn them off. the police found her praying in the bathroom with water filling the whole flat.
(hazey, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 11:32, Reply)

Bob
Ah Bob!

He lived in the same corridor as me in the first year of uni. A nice guy who just had some very odd habits...and occasionally went a bit psychotic. Perhaps it was the dogfood he ate. Perhaps it was the pints of cheap bitter or the lighter fluid he liberally imbibed. Who can say?

He had a really piercing alarm clock that went off at 7am every morning for ages. Basically a powerful NUUUUUUUUURRRRRRR that most of the block could hear. The kind of sound that cut through your duvet and woke you up, particularly annoying if you were a dossy arts student that never went in for lectures (that would be me).

He was usually comatose from his various drink / drug combinations the night before and was the only one in the block who was never woken by the noise. Groups of angry students knocking at his door trying to wake him up never seemed to rouse him either.

One night I came in late and I noticed his door was open and he was nowhere to be seen. I decided to grab this opportunity for a good nights sleep and I nabbed his alarm clock and retired to my own room.

Around 4 in the morning I am woken by a loud slow knocking at my door.

I open it to find Bob, dressed in black, hair exploding at all angles, with an icy mad gleam in his eye. He is also clasping a sizeable carving knife.

"Give...me...my...clock."

He is gently quivering, and obviously off his head, so with a frozen smile on my face I pass him his clock and close and lock my door.

After pondering my experience for a little while I fall asleep.

To be woken at about 7am by a loud NUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRR.
( String Theory sometimes feeds the sparrows too, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 11:31, Reply)

First year at uni ..
.. rented a small & cheap room in a private house. There were two rooms which shared a bathroom and a few cooking plates. My first neighbour was OK but flunked all of his courses and went back to his own city. Next neighbour was creepy:

1) Incredibly loose handshake
2) Spent all of his time in his room
3) Only furniture in his room was a mattress
4) Lived on a diet of hard boiled eggs
5) Did drugs, or so I assume. Although I think he claimed to have come clean.

The only time he initiated a conversation was when he asked me which dates I'd go home on vacation. I'm sure he was hatching a plan to nick my stereo and CD collection but fortunately the twunt lacked any hint of initiative.

Being well adjusted, I would have smashed his face with a baseball bat, of course.

In the end he was kicked out.
(spinoza, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 11:05, Reply)

Ah the Sicilians!
Just got back from a nice wedding. To my eyes nothing untoward there, but chating to the best man he tells me that the "uncles" have told him that if he ever has any bother to just let them know and they'll sort it out. Old family from Sicily, wouldn't you know.
(CerberusDog woof, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 10:40, Reply)

Rather vain Uncle Ken had a 'keeping up with the Joneses' type rivalry...
... which culminated with his evil neighbour throwing a bucket of mud over his shiny new car. Uncle Ken then stormed around, knocked on the door and - instead of the intended thumping - said "I know why you're doing this. You're jealous. My car's beautiful... my daughter's beautiful... my wife's beautiful... .. and yours are f**king ugly."
TOLD.
(Error 404 - Username Unknown, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 10:18, Reply)

When I was about 9-11
We had a family of young-ish- teens and kids over the high fence of our back garden. There were times when these kids were making loud sex noises, obviously copying what they have heard there parents doing in the night.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 9:58, Reply)

Press 'I Like This'
or i'll kill the man who lives next door....
(Limited IQ, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 9:46, Reply)

In Portsmouth
A few years ago I accidentally opened some mail that was for the neighbour, it was quite thick & I thought it may have been a magazine. It was infact from their lawyer & contained witness statements from a number of old people.

It turned out the woman next door used to do meals on wheels type care work for the elderly, she was sacked because some old folks were complaining about things going missing. The cheeky bitch was then using her ID card & client list to go round & nick stuff from them. Take 20 quid to do a bit of shoppping & then dissapear. Daft cow was even signing a register at their houses

I was really angry, mugging people is one thing but these old folks relied on meals on wheels as there were not very mobile, it was preying on the weakest of the weak & abusing a trust that really got my blood boiling.

All the statements started with a list of ailments that these old folks had, & they had the lot. I wanted to wage a war on this cow, I contemplated photocpoying the lot & pushing copies through everyone's letter box on the street. But they had a little girl who was about 6 & very sweet, they used to chuck her out when they were having a row, she used to knock on the door & tell us if we had left the car lights on. It was because of this girl that I did nothing in the end, I didn't want her to suffer at school or from her peers.

I took solice that the law would run it's course & she would be put away, I think she may have got away with it in the end, but we moved soon after & never found out.
(Baron Greenback Still in Sunny Singapore, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 6:37, Reply)

one of my friends' nieghbours
had his house broken into, so he chased the fuckers who did it with a friggin' samurai sword!
yes i am looking for the news article.
(That guy with a hat., Tue 30 Aug 2005, 2:12, Reply)

Student halls...
The nutter in the room next to me was obsessed with her vibrator. I couldn't hear it, thank god, but every time she switched it on it interfered with the picture on my telly, making even kids' programmes traumatic.

My parents' new neighbours have children who have perfected the art of messing with your mind - when you walk past they stop what they're doing and stare, for AGES. Frightens the crap out of me.


comes out from the safe lurky place for the first time
(TooMuchCoffee Lies about having too much coffee, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 1:17, Reply)

Legally Gonzo
While studying for the Bar one summer in LA, I (and about twenty neighbors) observe the man across the alley drag his wife/gf/slut onto the kitchen table and tie her there. He then places a spotlight on her (it is after 10 pm) and proceeds to tickle her and bash her head. As I reach for the phone, I can see that other, more experienced neighbors have called the police and he is hauied away.

An older buddy that works for the District Attorney calls me over to watch this court case. The sicko drags in this huge sheet and spills the coontents all over the Counsel table. There is an amazing pile of dirty dishes laid out. It seems that he is to apply the "Dirty Dishes Defense" to his assault charges. To no avail: six months in County Jail.
(Lister, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 1:16, Reply)

my old neighbours were real assholes.
-They had 5 horses and a paddock with no grass.did they feed them? did they fuck.
-They had seven fucking peacocks.Do you know how noisy peacocks can be at 3am?
-once, when they were putting a new fence up, one of our chooks got into thier yard and broke ONE of thier roses.they threatened us with a court order until we sent them a rose.edit: my brother thinks they may have asked for $150, but neither of us is sure.
the only good thing they ever did for us was letting us wait in thier brick house when a huge bushfire was coming.still, we got them back for some of the mean stuff by throwing some rotten eggs we found at thier bulldogs...
edit: oh yeah, our nieghbours at the moment all like waking up at 4am, getting drunk and singing karaoke....my god, asians singing ABBA at 4am is NOT a nice thing to wake up to!
(That guy with a hat., Tue 30 Aug 2005, 0:23, Reply)

effing students
live in a tenement block in Glasgow, home owners, next door are two of the stupidest students known to man, renting (hence they couldn't give a fuck about neighbours, noise etc......)

but what annoys me the most (i am 33 this week, by the way, the Meldrew in me is growing) is that they can't tie black bin bags together when taking them to the bin shed outside.....leaving nice trails of tomato soup going down the stairs, pizza boxes strewn all over the bin shed floor....etc etc

i mean what the fuck is that all about?

ALL FUCKING STUDENTS MUST DIE!

(i was never a student)
(Foxy McClumpha, Mon 29 Aug 2005, 23:09, Reply)

I am....
the cn*t next door who plays jungle all day and all night... Sorry.
(Fuck Bill, Mon 29 Aug 2005, 22:47, Reply)

Not my neighbours any more
but when I was a kid the bloke next door kept an evil, evil goat. For reasons best known to himself he also had massive amounts of rusty metal piled everywhere in his back yard, which the goat would climb up and get onto our garage roof - from which it could lean out and eat chunks of my mum's favourite tree.

To stop this, my mum had trained me to shoot it with the garden hose whenever it was on top of the garage - which I obviously enjoyed doing and the goat hated me for it.

Both our houses backed onto a field, which as a kid I used to play in all the time. One day though the goat managed to get out of the yard as well, and as I was doing whatever I was doing in the field, I caught a glimpse of it charging at me out the corner of my eye.

I jumped up and sprinted for the fence to our garden, but the goat was always going to win and butted me from behind face down into an enormous patch of stinging nettles - then as I screamed and thrashed around with stings all over my face it proceeded to stamp on me, butt me and bite me until I managed to drag myself bleeding and covered in hundreds of nettle stings through the field and back over the fence to our garden.

I was terrified of that goat bastard and by extension it's scumbag owner so it counts for me.
( Button Man ...a right bottom feeder., Mon 29 Aug 2005, 22:27, Reply)

Boy in my street
I lived in the niciest area in the town. The Neighbours where always kind and chatty , but there was a teenager ( at the time) who lived 3 houses away.

I was reading that local paper and noticed his name and address and that he was getting put to prison for knocking a guy unconscious (sp?) in a fight. That was scary, I didn't want to deliver my papers to his house from then.
(clarkson4sheephahaha, Mon 29 Aug 2005, 21:26, Reply)

Dead man
Early March 1996, in a depressing end of Edinburgh (Slateford Road). Got a knock at the door, and this old bloke asked me if I knew where his brother was, as apparently he lived next door. I replied that I hadn't seen anyone since I moved in during December.

The next day a nice policewoman knocked on the door. She asked me if I had heard anything, and after a bit admitted that the bloke's brother had been in the flat next door. Dead. For at least three months.

Didn't notice a smell as it was a very cold winter that year (below zero for most of the time), and there was a Chinese resturant on the ground floor...

That was scary. I moved out a few weeks after.
(woodchopper likes chopping wood, Mon 29 Aug 2005, 20:25, Reply)

Reading, trees and abortions.
I've just got back from Reading Festival, and my neighbours were pretty interesting. First off were the bunch of army/ex-army/just wearing army surplus lads. All a bunch of psychos. The guy who set up the first tent moved like T-1000 from Terminator 2. He was angry, but in a scary, understated way, and his girlfriend was forever telling him to chill out. The rest weren't as psychotic, but were capable of being very angry when drunk.

Apart from the usual bunch of stoners and other druggies, we also had some right twats next to us. Thursday night my mate was kept up by two of them shagging (apparantly she faked it), and Friday night I was kept up at 4 a.m. by some decidedly feminine heavy breathing. Not something you want to hear when you're incredibly paranoid and desperately need sleep.

The rest of the twats started burning tents and gazebos on Sunday night. We were not impressed. Plastic smoke hurts your eyes, nose and lungs like buggery. They also blew up gas cannisters right next to our tents, and were constantly having their fires put out by stewards. Before all the burning kicked off, however, I asked the psycho armyish guy, "'scuse me mate, do you know if they're fucking with peoples tents?", and his reply was "If they are, I'll rip their fucking heads off".

All credit to him, he did barge over to them with his psycho mates and start screaming at them and stamping out the fire. The twats quietened down a bit after that.

Our other neighbour was the toilet. About forty portaloos, filled with five days piss and shit, and from what I saw in one of them, blood too apparantly. The smell was horrendous.

On another note, our back garden here at home shares a back fence with another house in the next road. Sometimes our trees get a bit tall and they ask us to trim them, and usually we comply. However, one year we were a bit lazy, and the guy threatened to sue us for not cutting down our trees. I'm not entirely sure what he was thinking, but he was slightly mental.

My road has an abortion clinic in it. I frequently see men sitting in cars, staring straight ahead with a mournful expression on their face. I laugh. We also get Christians from SPUC waving their signs around outside sometimes too. They just stand there and don't say anything. Quite disturbing when you're going for a walk in the morning to get a paper.
( Detrius521, Mon 29 Aug 2005, 19:32, Reply)

Students...
I lived next door to some right twunts during uni. There was a scary English girl who was obssessed with being Welsh (some distant ancestors were of Taff origin) would only wash her clothes sporadically and very often built what looked like pizza box forts in her room despite kindly offers to dispose of them. I also lived with a load of foreign students most of whom were extemely ignorant, unhygienic and spoke no English and if female usually disappeared not long after arrival. The blokes used to insist on running to the shower room naked. They used to save porn on the network blissfully unaware that everyone could see it. Unaware til we told everyone!

Then were the Christian fundamentalists who would make misogynistic comments when they could get away with it. The one right next door used to play Christian rock at obscene hours. Twat.

Now I live in quite a pikey street. There's a blonde woman who has several delinquent kids and a different bloke staying every night. Her parenting skills are non-existent ("Brit-a-nee you little c*nt!!") and on the other side is a couple who are proud parents of a 3 month old baby. Well, the girl is the mother but the bloke kindly stepped in to act as daddy cos the biological dad is in prison, as the gran confides in us.
(Bunnygirl, Mon 29 Aug 2005, 18:25, Reply)

Old Man In Homemade Vacuum Bag Having a Wank
In the next village up from us (Spondon if any of you are from Derby) lived an elderly couple, every Wednesday night the lady of the house would go into town to play Bingo with the girls.

One of these nights she returned home to find a noise coming from their garage/games room. It was the sound of the hoover sucking away.

She thought the old man was just having a late night clear out, but when she tried to go into the garage, she found all the doors locked, and the windows covered up. She shouted the man's name but there was no answer. The sound of the hoover was obviously blocking out her weak old lady voice, so she switched it off at the plug inside their house. Still no reply when she shouted. Her next door neighbour was called and after another 5 minutes of shouting the neighbour kicked down the side door.......

They found the old man INSIDE an inflatable beach lilo, with the vacuum attached, sucking all the air out. The man died of suffocation, and later forensic tests revealed traces of semen inside the lilo and inside the hoover!

This story is completely true, I work as a special police officer and I crack up laughing everytime i hear my collegues mentioning it.


No apologies for bla bla bla
(silkysean pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis, Mon 29 Aug 2005, 17:56, Reply)

'He was such a nice,quiet man. . .'
A few nights ago,my husband and I looked out of our window to see two police cars pull up. . .then there were three,then five,then eight.
Suddenly,our neighbourhood was swarming with cops in riot gear complete with drawn rifles and angry-looking German Shepherds at the ready.

Turns out one of our neighbours was being arrested for pulling a shotgun on some passers-by and insisting they get the hell off of his property(we live in an urban area,by the way,not a rural one). He was the proverbial quiet,keeps-to-himself neighbour,so I suppose the next step is to search the garden for the bodies.

Total count: ten police cars,two K-9 units and about thirty police officers who spent the better part of two hours surrounding his apartment before raiding it.
Wonder what it would have been like if he'd actually *shot* someone?
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Mon 29 Aug 2005, 15:41, Reply)